Oh, Really?

From Football at about.com- "The Heisman Trophy is presented annually to to the nation's outstanding college football player"

From the Heisman website- "At the insistence of the DAC officers he organized and set into motion the structure and voting system to determine the best collegiate football player in the country"

From Wikipedia- "The Heisman Memorial Trophy Award (often known simply as the Heisman Trophy or The Heisman), named after former college football player and coach John Heisman, is awarded annually to the most outstanding collegiate football player in the U.S. Although not the only award honoring the best player in college football, it is considered the most prestigious individual player honor in American college football."

I see no mention of the Team, only the individual. And first off, wanting the best INDIVIDUAL player to win isn't communism, despite what certain morons who write at this blog will tell you. As a matter of fact ,its anathema to communism.

"The noble soul par excellence. The man as man should be. The self-sufficient, self-confident, the end of ends, the reason unto himself, the joy of living personified. Above all-the man who lives for himself, as living for oneself should be understood. And who triumphs completely. A man who IS what he should be."- Was I describing Tim Tebow? Close, thats Ayn Rand's description of Howard Roark, the protagonist of the The Foutainhead, her interpretation of the perfect man. But really, when applied to the world of football, is that NOT Tim Tebow? Dennis Dixon is a sham perpetuated by playing in a conference of weak defenses. Its true Oregon has beaten the best teams in their conference, all of whom rank below LSU and Georgia. And the last time I checked, nobody thats supposedly one of the best teams in the SEC has lost to Stanford. The simple fact of the matter is, Tim Tebow is a living football God. He is power incarnate. He is the Alpha and the Omega. Check out these Tim Tebow supporters for Heisman







Do the right thing, folks. Tebow for Heisman

Iggins!: Coaches are funny edition

Wow.In the last 10 days I've seen more coaches flip out or say hilarious shit than in any previous ten day span. Before that, however, a few random tidbits from this last week:

-Tim Tebow may be leading Dennis Dixon in every possible category this season, but he is behind Dixon in the most important category: wins. Tebow has lost three times this year to Dixon's one, not to mention that Dixon beat the best teams in his division (and they should have beaten Cal. That call was shit.) while Florida lost to the best teams in theirs, putting aside a win over Kentucky (who will always be Kentucky). The Heisman does not go to a player who loses 3 games. It is a trophy that goes to the player who has helped their team to WIN the most while also putting up gaudy statistics. The Maxwell award goes to the best INDIVIDUAL regardless of wins. If Florida wins the SEC, then there is an argument. Until that time, it is Dennis Dixon's trophy to lose.


A vote for Dennis Dixon is a vote for teamwork and
democracy. Don't be a communist.

-Stephon Marbury finally did physically what he's been doing mentally his whole tenure in New York: he abandoned his team. After Isiah Thomas benched him Starbury just up and left the team, returning to his home in New York instead of going on the Knick's current West Coast road trip. Reports suggest that he is o a plane as I type this, flying to L.A., but honestly, I don't think the Knicks want him back. I'm pretty sure they hope that plane he's on crashes.

- There has been a recent rash of coaches going crazy or otherwise saying things that might be considered... in poor taste? Let's explore:



-Joe Glenn, coach of The University of Wyoming Cowboys, shows his displeasure with Kyle Whittingham, U. of Utah's coach, over a call to kick an onside kick while up 43-0 in the 3rd quarter. Glenn had, earlier in the week, guaranteed a win over Utah. That didn't turn out so well for him. Personally, I think this was justified in both regards: Whittingham deserved to rub in a 50-0 victory over Glenns team as much as he wanted because Glenn guaranteed a win, and Glenn is okay to flip the bird because it was still a dick move. Imagine if this had happened at the OSU vs. Michigan game! Oh, lord, how fun that would have been.

-Phil Jackson, L.A. Lakers coach, enjoys explaining things the way college kids explain things to their friends. Generally, if you get beaten badly, you were "Sodomized," or, as Mr. Jackson put it: "We call that a brokeback game, there was a lot of penetration and kickbacks." I would write something witty about that but it really speaks for itself.

-Pat Riley, Miami Heat coach, apparently has lost the ability to have... ahem... relations. This is the way ESPN.com has reprinted his quote:

"I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

but what was actually said was:

"I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip, I'm 62 years old, I can't fuck, and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

seriously. go listen to the interview.

-Mike Leach, beloved head coach of Texas Tech, blames the referees for everything wrong in his life:

"I think it's disturbing that Austin residents are involved in this. People work too hard, too long, there's too much money invested in these games to allow that," Leach said.

"Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I'm condemning the crew," Leach said.

"Unless this can change, the Big 12 Conference needs to take a serious look at having out of conference officials officiate the Texas Tech-Texas games and perhaps other games where there is proven to be a bias by officiating," he said. "It's unfortunate and does the bowl picture enter into it? I don't know. Does the money enter into it? I don't know."

Leach went on to blame the referees for his hair thinning, global warming, and the spread of the AIDS virus.

-Couple those with all the other coaching hilarity from this year:
-Mike Gundy: "I'm a man! I'm forty!"
-Isiah Thomas sexually harasses every woman he sees.
-Norv Turner in general

and you've got yourself a hilarious year for coaching. Still, nothing can beat this:

Top 25 Roundup and Code Red Rankings

It was a blessed, beautiful week of college football, so without further ado, here's the roundup/rankings..

LSU 58, Louisiana Tech 10
LSU whomps on their degenerate cousin from Bizarro world (1-AA), regains their rightful number one spot in the rankings. Other than that, this game is basically just what you'd expect from an opponent like Louisiana Tech.

Oklahoma 52, Baylor 21
Look, I realize there's still a decent chance they wind up in the national title game. Yes, they're record is impressive. I'm still not buying it. I've just run out of logical reasons why not.

Kansas 43, Oklahoma St. 21
On the other hand, Kansas is slowly beginning to make a believer out of me and I don't know why..

OH GOD! THE HORROR! PLEASE JUST TAKE THE BIG 12! NO ONE WILL SAY ANYTHING!

West Virginia 38, Louisville 31
West Virginia continues to claw their way back to the top, and hopefully a BCS slot. Really, if you don't want Pat White and Steve Slaton on national tv, you hate America.

Missouri 41, Texas A&M 26
Missouri also wins, setting up an epic battle next week for the Big 12 North Title, a slot in the Big 12 title game, and a chance at the BCS. I want to root for Missouri in this game, but I feel compelled to root for Kansas because...

OH GOD! HE'S TOUCHING HIM! RUN REF! RUN!!!!!!!!

Maryland 42, Boston College 35
Well, Matt Ryan had the Heisman for like, 3 days there, didn't he? God I hate the ACC.

Arizona State 24, UCLA 20

Karl Dorrell heads closer toward firing. Our national nightmare is soon to end.

Georgia 45, Auburn 20
Georgia continues to give the appearance of being for real, and the possibility of certain people's suggestion for SEC Champion (Florida, Iggins!), seems dimmer and dimmer. Whereas my prediction of LSU still goin strong.

Virginia Tech 40, Florida State 21
ACC.

USC 24, Cal 17
Who'd have thunk before the season that this game would have meant nothing in relation to the PAC 10 championship or the National Championship. Not I, but I'm sure pleased as hell about it.

Wisconsin 37, Michigan 21
Now that Ohio State has been removed from national title convention, all that is needed is for the Buckeyes to win The Big Game next weekend in Ann Arbor, thus enacting the best possible, but still sucks, scenario of a national title game sans Ohio State, but no Michigan Big 10 title either.

Hawaii 37, Fresno State 30
The Colt Brennans advance one step closer to an at large BCS bid, but don't expact the Boise State heroics of last year should they make it, this team has only one viable weapon, their quarterback, and he has a tendency to melt down when on the national tv stage.

Texas 59, Texas Tech 43
I didn't see this game, but Mike Leach was fined 12,000 dollars for saying the game was rigged in favor of Texas. I trust Mike Leach, our dashing pirate captain, and hate Texas, so I agree with him. Fuck Texas. Yar!

Cincinnati 27, UConn 3
Wow, this game should not have featured a ranked team. Let alone the fact that the team that as ranked lost by 24. Cincinnati and UConn? Fuck.

Florida 51, South Carolina 31
Look, we've endorsed a few candidates lukewarmly for Heisman on this website (Colt Brennan, Andre Woodson, Rashard Mendenhall (oh, I've never said that out loud? Well I am now)), but really, there's only one person in this country who deserves the Heisman, regardless of the fact that he's a sophomore. No disrespect intended toward Dennis Dixon, but Tebow has 23 passing touchdowns and 19 rushing. Thats 41 fucking touchdowns. Against SEC defenses. He's completing 68 percent of his passes and is Florida's leading passer, rusher, and scorer. He's by far the most impressive physical specimen I've seen at quarterback that I can remember. Chuck Norris watched the Tebow last week and was heard to say "Wow, that is a MAN". Just give him the fucking trophy.

Boise State 52, Utah St. 0
Well, thats impressive.

Clemson 44, Wake Forest 10
ACC.

Mississippi St 17, Alabama 12
Nick Saban doesn't have time for this shit. He also doesn't really have that good of a football team. Way to go Mississippi State for becoming bowl eligible. Tip of the cap, sir.

Tennessee 34, Arkansas 13
Phil Fulmer vs. Houston Nutt- Two coaches universally reviled by their own fan base and college football fandom in general. Two halfwits collide, only one survives. And NO ONE CARES.

Virginia 48, Miami 0
ACC.

Kentucky 27, Vanderbilt 20
I picked Kentucky for 10 wins this year, and if they beat Georgia and Tennessee, then win a potential bowl game, they can do just that. Please do just that.

ILLINOIS 28, Ohio State 21
I've touched on this already, but in case you're wondering, no, the euphoria hasn't subsided. Yes, I will bask in this win for years. Unfortunately current bowl projections have Illinois matched up against Florida, so this wonderful season will eventually end with the permanently scarring vision of TEBOW running mercilessly through our defense, leaving [Redacted] in tears and all Illinois fans wondering whether it was worth it. In my opinion, it so, so will be.

The Top 25
1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Kansas
4. Oklahoma
5. West Virginia
6. Missouri
7. Georgia
8. Arizona State
9. Ohio State
10. Virginia Tech
11. Florida
12. Hawaii
13. USC
14. Texas
15. Illinois
16. Clemson
17. Virginia
18. Boise State
19. Boston College
20. Kentucky
21. Tennessee
22. Wisconsin
23. Eugh. There's no one else. Just don't even look.

Why, Hello There

How are you today? Please, come in, come in. I know I'm not supposed to say my name, but I'll let you whisper it. I know it feels good. Let it out. Feel the Rush. Come on. Almost there. Say it with me

"ZOOK"

Yeah, thats right, the Zooker knows your heart, baby. He knows your innermost desires. He knows you see improvement. He knows its getting better and better.

Yeah, you saw that game on Saturday. Could you feel the Energy? You bet your sweet ass you could. Thats Zooktastic, baby. Thats how you play the game. It took only a transfer of a tiny bit of the Zook dynamism from my supercharged turbo body of recruiting fury to power the arm of Juice Williams to 4 tds. Yeah, you like Juice Williams now, don't you? I bet I know who'd really like ol' Juice. Texas. Yeah, Mack Brown, I remember you wanted Juice. He was gonna be your VY #2. But he chose the Zookster. He chose the improvement. He wanted to be better. And better.

Well he was. And we beat number one in the nation, baby. That means we're number one now. The Zooker doesn't play the polls, bro. He plays football assassin style. You kill the emperor to Be the emperor, and I am now the emperor. Bow before the Zook. It'll feel good.

Iggins!' Mind During Grossman to Berrian: The Return

What follows is an actual account of what was traveling through my mind and happening in real life during Rex Grossman's 59 yard pass to Bernard Berrian:

1 second into play:
Good he got the damned ball from center. Thats the first step, buddy. Now all you have to do is wind up and bring back the sex cannon, baby.

2 seconds into play:
Dropping back and he has good blocking... that's surprising. Why isn't Devin Hester getting a TD on all the returns he's had? Why isn't Devin Hester having my children?

Grossman winds up:
Oh shit ohshitohshit Rexy's windin up the cannon and he's goin deep baby. Christ I hope it isn't Moose down there. Why do we throw fly routes to him? He's so fuckin old and slow. I hope it's Berrian. And I hope he isn't double covered... or triple covered. Damn Rex just complete this bitch!!!!! We're losing to the Raiders for the love of God!

Grossman throws:
AHHHHH It's in the air itsintheair holy shit he just threw a massive fuckin pass that shit could travel for miles... oh fuck I hope there's a Bear down there and not a cheerleader or a Raider or Cher or Big Daddy Drew. That'd suck. I wonder how Drew is doin? Purple Jesus got hurt today I bet he's pissed...

Berrian is under the ball, Iggins! Sr. yells "Catch it!", I start yelling "Ahhhhhhhh!...":
OHMYFUCKINGGOD YOU BETTER CATCH THIS YOUPIECEOFSHITBERRIAN you better notdrop thisone you mutherfucker catchitcatchitcatchitcatchit!!!!!!

Berrian catches, runs into end zone:

Iggins! Sr. leaps from chair, Iggins! screams something... can't remember what... while leaping from chair, then yells "He's bringin Rexy back! The Cannon is back!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
OMGWTFBBQ
+
all four videos below simultaneously:

Iggins! Weekend Wrap-Up

Another good weekend for me. Why? Simple Equation:

+

+

=



Really.

Yeah, I stole this from KSK. Yeah, its a year old and probably premature. Yeah, Fuck You.

REXY BACK!?

Those of you who watched the Bears game today (i.e. those people who we give a shit about), saw the departure of our mortal enemy, Brian Griese, due to his weak, screen pass chuckin shoulder finally giving way, and the entry into the game of one Rex Grossman. Now we are no stranger to Rex, of course, having loved him, hated him, and overall having suffered with him since his college day. Rex's return culminated in a 59 yard bomb to Bernard Berrian, the epitome of all that made Rex the Sex Cannon during the glory days of his early career, when hope was high that he would become all that we have lacked in a Chicago Quarterback. Well, Rex, for this week, we say thank you, and really, despite the name of this website, we'd be most pleased if you decided to spend the rest of the season finally cashing in on that potential of yours, re-signing with da Bears and giving us a counterpoint to Green Bay fans whenever Brett Farvuruh retires. But our patience was tested the last time this happened Rex, our support now will be justifiably week-to-week, unlike the blind obedience I had to you from 2000 to the Dallas game this year. Will you finally put it together, Rex? Will you be the quarterback we always hoped you'd be? Will you embrace your destiny? Will you give some idiot Bears fan who actually wastes his time making montages about his favorite players reason to mash up footage of you with that Enrique Iglesias song?

He can be your hero baby. He can kiss away the pain.

Oh, and unrelated to, and far more serious than, our little jokes about football, happy Veterans Day to those of you the holiday is for. God Bless you all.

NEWSFLASH! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

*It has been brought to my attention that my high school classmate and U of I student Nick Heiar, is actually in this picture, if you look above the head of the Cubs hat wearing fat kid on the left, the one who looks like he is going to consume the camera, you will see a man in an orange ball cap looking to the left. That is our boy.

Oh LORD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! There are no words for what you have given me this evening! I feel as though someone has dissolved cocaine in Jack Daniels, then added John Wayne's ashes to the mix and injected it straight into my veins. I asked for a miracle, and it was granted. What surprises you more? [Redacted] going for it on fourth down after an OSU timeout and actually making Jim fucking Tressel look like a moron? What about Todd Boeckman heaving the ball up three times for interceptions while Juice Williams transformed himself into the epitome of calm. Four tds, no turnovers, 1 PENALTY! Somehow, this team played its way into a miracle, that they shall cherish forever. I remember four years ago an Illinois team limped its way to 1-10, just two years after a 10-2 Big Ten Title team. I knew a decline so steep and so fast would take years to recover. Four years later a 7-3 team marched into the fucking horseshoe and denied a national title to Ohio State. If Juice or Rashard Mendenhall asked me to bend the laws of nature and my own right wing ideology and have their love children, I would. In droves. This tastes sweeter than any victory I have ever watched in my life(easy to do, as I root for Zero teams that have won championships in my lifetime). Iggins! may have his Floyd of Rosedale, and I shall honor his bragging this week. Were Hilary Clinton to approach me this day I would say "Madame, this day our quarrel rests. I bear malice toward none, on this day." For the Lord looked down upon Columbus, Ohio, saw the Fighting Illini, and said "It is Good".

Now I'm off to get shitfaced.

Damn that's good cliche

Todd Lickliter started off his Iowa basketball coaching career with a win, and the first in a long, long, long string of cliches:

"Nine assists and zero turnovers -- that's super," Lickliter said. "He did that by having an understanding of the game and playing within himself."

holy shit for several reasons:
1) The season started?!?! Shit! I need to get ma tickets!
2) Wow this guy is white.
3) Super? He didn't really say that. Please tell me he didn't say that.
4) I cannot emphasize just how cliche this comment is. Soak it in. Bask in it.
5) Our starting PG is a freshman. And not a 5 star freshman, a 3 star freshman. Lord God this winter is going to be cold.
6) Iowa scored 58 points against Idaho State. Thats some Big Ten basketball right there. In other conferences they call it "Sucking".

I won't pray. Just gimme the fuckin pig.

Look, I realize that anyone outside of Iowa/Minnesota doesn't understand this thing. In fact, you probably don't even know what it is. Well, let me tell you. This is Floyd of Fucking Rosedale. Actually, I added the fucking for emphasis but really, it should be there permanently. He started out as a real pig. Just a simple bet between Governors of states thatb hated eachother. You people have your buckets of nails, your jeweled shilelaighs (or however the fuck you spell she-lay-lee). We have this pig. This pig is the most treasured thing in all of Iowa. And right now it's in Minnesota. Fuck Minnesota. The best thing they ever did was this:



and while Atmosphere is the best thing rapping right now, it still doesn't make up for a whole state. Their football team is 1-8. They've lost to North Dakota State two years in a row. And they have our pig. I have booed my own student section when we charged the field after beating Illinois. I have booed them harder after doing the same against Michigan State (I don't care if it was 12 fuckin overtimes), but I will not when we do after this game. I will be the first damn person on the field. America won't understand.

"Why?" they'll say, " why are those Iowans charging the field after beating a 1-8 team?"

And America will think us foolish. America will think us insane. But we know. And when I run onto that field I'll run straight at Floyd, and I'll touch that hog's back, and I'll say just two words:

"You're home."

Calling In A Favor

Our Father
Who art in Heaven
I know I am not Catholic
But really, grant me, your holy follower
Without the weird like wine and Latin Chanting
the following favor

Oh Lord!
See it in thine divine glory to grant the University of Illinois
Ye of the Fighting Illini
The glory of victory on the field of football
Against the Ohio State Buckeyes

I am not so heritical,
Oh Merciful One
To assume that the all knowing creator owes me anything personally
But really, you were cruel about that whole Iowa game

Yea, my arrogance preceding said game was mighty
Yea, you did smite me down
Yet I remain the most arrogant man this side of Terrell Owens
But will humble myself before you should you find it in your divine wisdom
To inexplicably fell the sweater vested one, Jim Tressel,
Before he whom we have [Redacted]

So give us on Saturday our powerful upset
And make LSU and Oregon 1 & 2
And Justice shall reign
And happiness shall be thy verdict

Yea, grant us this wish, Oh Lord
Amen

UnbearaBULL

What the hell happened here? The Bulls are 0-4, and putting aside the season-opening overtime loss to the New Jersey Nets, all their losses have come by large margins to bad teams (Milwaukee, Philadelphia, LA Clippers?!). So why are these guys doing this?

- Because the Bulls are distracted by Kobe rumors? This could be. Luol Deng and Ben Gordon have certainly been off his normal game through the first four games of the season. But that doesn't excuse the poor performances of Captain Kirk. Not to mention that the one man who KNOWS he'll be traded if there is a trade, Tyrus Thomas, is tearing teams to pieces and playing his ass off.

- Because the Bulls have no inside presence? Another high possibility, but doubtful. Joe Smith has given the team a nice boost from the PF position, and as I said Tyrus Thomas is playing at a very high level right now. Our center doesn't score, but hell, our center is Ben Wallace. The Pistons seemed to do alright with a center that doesn't score.

-Because when the Bulls aren't hitting jumpers they lose 80% of their offense? Also a very good reason, but not the heart of the matter. The Bulls normally have one game every 6 games in which they can't hit a damned jumper to save their soul. This has been 4 games in a row.

The real problem is a mix of all three. Deng and Gordon are distracted by a trade that everyone has been saying is inevitable, Captain Kirk doesn't know he he is going to be passing to in the next month, the Bulls have a hard time scoring inside and so teams focus on stopping their jump shots, and the combined shooting futility that Gordon, Deng, Hinrich, and the rest of our scorers are showing has turned into a deadly mix of pain and suffering that lead the Bulls to 0-4.

The remedy? Trade for Kobe. Yes I'm a big Kobe fan, but it isn't even about that anymore. The trade possibility is not going to go away in the player's minds. What we have gotten ourselves into is a-



-situation. The Bulls have talked about trading these guys for so long that they now HAVE to trade them, because they won't be paying attention so much to playing for a team that they don't think they'll be on by the end of the season.
Am I questioning Ben Gordon or Luol Deng's commitment? Hell no. They're the hardest working players out there. They can't help being distracted by a GM who constantly puts out trade rumors for his players. It's simple, trade Ben Gordon, Tyrus Thomas, Joakim Noah, PJ Brown, and our first round pick for Kobe. The Lakers get three (with the pick, 4) highly promising young players, and one veteran who they can either trade for more young players or keep to help train the two young PFs they're getting.

The trade has to be made now, so get it done, Paxson. Are you really going to be pissed when our lineup looks like this?:

PG: Kirk Hinrich
SG: Kobe Bryant
SF: Luol Deng
PF: Joe Smith
C: Ben Wallace

bench:
Andres Nocioni
Aaron Gray
Chris Duhon
Thabo Seflosha
PJ Brown

Iggins! Power Rankings post week 9

Awwww christ the NFL is bad this year. Honestly, with the exception of the top four teams (NE, IND, DAL, PIT) the NFL is either mediocre or bad. The rankings of just HOW mediocre are as follows:

Total Shit, nothing more needs to be said:
32) Miami Dolphins
31) St. Louis Rams


Kellen Clemens!...:
30) New York Jets

Should not have, in any reality, gotten two wins:
29) San Francisco 49ers
28) Atlanta Falcons (At least they have an excuse)


FUCK CINCINNATI:
27) Cincinnati Bungals

They have sucked every year since Elway, damnit:
26) Denver Broncos (But they'll be picked for the playoffs again next year)


Goddamnit:
25) Chicago Bears
24) Oakland Raiders (Janikowski missed a 64 yarder... because it hit halfway up on the right crossbar. The kick would have gone 74 at least. OH MY GOD.)

Bad, but still contending:
23) Baltimore Ravens (Yeah, their record is better than Philly, Zona, Houston, and Minnesota. But that isn't their fault)
22) Philadelphia Eagles
21) Arizona Cardinals

Dangerous but still shitty overall:
20) Houston Texans (Okay, maybe Mario Williams over Reggie Bush wasn't a terrible pick after all. But Sage Rosenfels?)
19) Minnesota Vikings (If they hand the ball off to the AP 30 times a game they might go 8-8. Which is surprising considering they suck at every other offensive position.)

Terrible is the new mediocre!:
18) Buffalo Bills
17) Kansas City Chiefs
16) Carolina Panthers
15) Seattle Seahawks

The upper half of the league? Really? Ewww.:
14) Washington Redskins (VERY VERY lucky to be 5-3.)
13) San Diego Chargers
12) Tampa Bay Bucs (Fear Ernest Graham)
11) New Orleans Saints (Looks like they remembered how to play football. Or at least how to play offense)

In the top ten... oh God what have we come to?:
10) Jacksonville Jaguars
9) Cleveland Browns (I'm gonna vomit)

I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS WILL LAST FOR A DAMN SECOND:
8) Detroit Lions
7) New York Giants

Slightly above mediocre:
6) Green Bay Packers (surviving on Favre's magic, balls, and witch doctoring)
5) Tennessee Titans (Now will you draft some damn receivers?)

Actually good, but won't win the Super Bowl:
4) Pittsburgh Steelers
3) Dallas Cowboys

Fear not, my son:
2) Indianapolis Colts (Remember, my children, that the 1980 USA hockey team got crushed by the Soviet Union 10-3 in an exhibition game just before the Olympics)

Pure, untainted horror, malice, terror, and evil:
1) New England Patriots

NFL week in review

Oh, what a good weekend it was. For one, the Bears did not lose,which means I can be happy. For two, Griese did not win so I can hate him even more! And for three, the entire NFL decided to stop playing run defense, something the Bears have been doing all season long.

-RUN FATTY RUN!!!!!




And if I wasn't in a deep depression over the Bears being in last I may have enjoyed this EVEN MORE.

-He still ain't Barry Sanders... yet. But Adrian Peterson is perhaps the most frighteningly good running back in the NFL since Barry. Oh, but only if he would have shown some of this talent in college, mayhap he would have been picked above #7! Wait, he almost (and should have), won the Heisman as a freshman? WELL WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!
-Also, because I am in no way shy about tooting my own horn, I did say before the draft that AD was the #2 player available behind Calvin Johnson. BITCH.

-Oh yeah, and these guys did okay too, I guess:

• Marshawn Lynch: 29 carries, 153 yards, 1 TD
  
• Warrick Dunn: 27 carries, 100 yards, 1 TD
• Joseph Addai: 26 carries, 112 yards/ 5 catches, 114 yards, 1 TD
• Clinton Portis: 36 carries, 196 yards, 1 TD
• Ladell Betts: 9 carries, 64 yards
• Ernest Graham: 34 carries, 124 yards, 1 TD
• Lendale White: 31 carries, 100 yards, 1 TD
• Ron Fuckin Dayne: 21 carries, 122 yards, 1 TD

- Devin Hester is getting more pissed every second. Not only is he not getting kicked to, getting hung out to dry by Griese, and killing every woman he sleeps with because within his seed lies the presence of God: now his record is broken, too. Antonio Cromartie returns a kick 109 yards for a TD, and holy shit was it 109 yards:



make that 109 7/8 yards. This was really a double dipper for me, because if Antonio's last name represents the high school where Freddie Mercury, a purple gorilla, and a robot that thinks it's human attend: then he is one of my favorite players.


-Derek Anderson is acting eerily similar to Drew Brees when Philip Rivers was drafted, and I have a sneaky suspicion that it will end the same way, with Anderson being let go and the Ravens picking him up (the horror... th horror... for Browns fans...).

-----Power Rankings to come on the 'morrow, for now enjoy Devin Hester as we all do (and a pleasant reminder that Duke just CAN NOT tackle:
COLLEGE


2006


SUPER BOWL

Still Alive

I am still alive and kicking friends, however, my laptop is completely fried and the stand in that I am borrowing for school work from my grandparents is probably somewhere between 1/50th and 1/10th as fast as my old one, and the sheer fact that it takes this damn thing 5-10 minutes just to upload a fucking picture makes posting on here a rather painful and time consuming ordeal. So, sans my usual pilfering of youtube and google images for humorous media, here is my college football roundup/thoughts of the week

Top 25 Results

Ohio State 38, Wisconsin 17
Ohio State continues to be well-oiled, efficient, Big Ten epitomized machine, coming back in this game to crush the Badgers and continue to 9-0 and the inexorable death march to the national title game and their soul crushing defeat at the hands of LSU, which, now back at number two, will rise to the occasion to make Jim Tressel cry in his sweater vest. Next up for the Buckeyes? Team Powerthirst and Coach [Redacted], in a game in which Illinois will lead long enough to lose in a heartbreaking and soul crushing fashion.

Florida State 27, BC 17
Boston College, at number two for all of a week and a half, managed to piss away any chance the ACC had at credibility, which is just fine with me.

LSU 41, Alabama 34
Thank you, justice, for restoring order and placing LSU back in a slot for the national title game. Also, thank you for making sure Nick Saban lost this game in agonizing fashion. I had thought you had left college football this season, justice, but you show me you are alive and well.

Oregon 35, Arizona State 23
Wellll, maybe justice has been restored. I hope upon hope that Ohio State loses to Illinois or Michigan and allows Oregon to slip into the national title game against LSU, because after watching this team and their amazing quarterback the last two weeks, I can only imagine that an LSU-Oregon matchup would be the most exciting title game not involving Vince Young in the last decade.

Oklahoma 42, Texas A&M 14
I still maintain my stance that Oklahoma is the Big 12's Ohio State, and I think a Missouri-Oklahoma rematch in the Big 12 title game, or an Oklahoma-Kansas title game would be throughly entertaining in testing the mettle of this team and the entire conference.

Kansas 76, Nebraska 39
Yeah, 115 points in one game, 76 of them dropped on the Saigon 1975esque republic of Callahanistan. This shit is getting ridiculous. Flee!

(seen outside the offices of Bill Callahan, Nebraska Football Coach)

Missouri 55, Colorado 10
You can not hope to stop Chase Daniel, you can only hope to contain Chase Daniel. You're also likely to fail.

Georgia 44, Troy 34
Why, oh Why, did Florida lose to Georgia last week? Now, instead of watching the force of nature that is Tim Tebow get another crack at LSU in the SEC title game, we're likely to see the defense that gave up 34 points to TROY be bent over the table mercilessly by the taffy loving LSU tigers.

Virginia Tech 27, Georgia Tech 3
The ACC holds nothing but desolate wastelands and miserable turnover plagued offensively defunct football. Oh, and Fuck Chan Gailey.

USC 24, Oregon State 3
Yeah, USC's still out there. But are they relevant to the national title game picture? Say it with me folks, you know you want to, a one, a two, a three, "FUCK NO"

Michigan 28, Michigan State 24
Remember way, way way back in my first college roundup when I mentioned my fear that Michigan, despite its crushing defeats to App State and Oregon, would run the table in the Big Ten, end up in a BCS bowl, and expose forever the fact that the Big Ten is not a legitimate championship caliber conference? Prepare for mayhem, because barring Tressel beating Michigan again, it can, and will happen.

Texas 38, Oklahoma State 35
Really, let me put the emphasis on this, I do not care, Texas, I do not care.

Connecticut 38, Rutgers 19
Really? Good for you, UConn.

Florida 49, Vanderbilt 22
Oh, what could have been, Tim Tebow, what could have been.

Auburn 35, Tennessee Tech 3
Whew, dodged that bullet, didn't we Tommy Tuberville?

Cincinnati 38, South Florida 35
Two straight losses for one time #2 South Florida, a team that I have admittedly disliked all year for no apparent reason. I win, they lose.

Virginia 17, Wake Forest 16
(See Virginia Tech result)

Boise State 42, San Jose State 7
Blue turf for everyone! Yay!

Arkansas 48, South Carolina 36
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Spurrier can kiss this year goodbye.

Tennessee 59, Louisiana Lafayette 7
Squeaker.

Clemson 47, Duke 10
(See Virginia Tech result)

Rankings
1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Oklahoma
4. Kansas
5. Ohio State
6. Missouri
7. West Virginia
8. Arizona State
9. Boston College
10. Georgia
11. Virginia Tech
12.Hawaii
13. USC
14. Michigan
15. Florida
16. Texas
17. UConn
18.Auburn
19. Boise State
20. Alabama
21. Clemson
22.Illinois
23. Cal
24. Kentucky
25. Virginia

Random Notes From Sportsdom-

-Really, I don't give a shit if the Bulls get Kobe or not.

-Brian Griese is still the Bears starter, and if you look in the box scores you will see that the Bears did not win yesterday.

-Matt Ryan vomits up #2 and the Heisman this week.

-Juice Williams passed for 200 yards finally. Joyous! What's that? It was against Minnesota? Fuck

Delicious football

Due to Red either being
A) Stabbed by someone offended by something he said (40% chance)
B) immobilized because he has let his beard grow for over two weeks and it now weighs 3 tons and stretches around the planet thrice (35% chance)
C) Holding [NAME REDACTED] hostage (15% chance)
or
D) hung over (10% chance)

I feel it is necessary for some college football shit to go down in dis bidniss

-Holy shi'ite today was a fun day for football. Putting aside my own interests (for about three seconds) the number 4 team went down, Alabama won then lost in about three minutes, and Kansas scored 76 on soon to be fired Bill Calahan.

-Now for my interests. Jake Christensen played worse than he has all season for the first quarter (which is saying something). Then he turned into Joe fuckin Montana and tore Northwestern to pieces. I'm still shocked pretty good about that. I can't put too much faith in him, though. I mean, I just saw Griese do the same damn thing.

-Really, there's somethinjg about SEC football that's way better then all other football. It's probably one of these things:
1)They are the best conference in Div. 1
2) They are broadcast on CBS which, though clearly inferior in NFL broadcasting, is clearly superior to all others in college football broadcasting.
3) The games I've seen this year are Fla vs. Kentucky, LSU vs. Kentucky, Arkansas vs. Alabama, LSU vs. Auburn, and todays game Alabama vs. LSU.

-As I am typing this Matt Ryan looks like he's about to do the same thing he did last week, hopefully sans-vomit. If I jinx him, I apologize. (ed. Sweet Fancy Moses FSU's punter just kicked the most beautiful kick to ever be kicked.)

- Watching Minnesota is like watching Iowa, and by that I mean it BURNNNNSSEEESSSSS. Next week's battle for Floyd of Rosedale is going to be horrifying.


Do I really want it that bad? Yes. Oh God
I love this pig.

-Oh my Nebraska sucks hardcore. Or maybe Kansas is good. I prefer to believe a third option: both Nebraska and Kansas were afraid the Mangino would eat them if Nebraska won.


OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S HUGE!!!! Let's throw the ball
50 times with a first-time starter! That ought to appease it.

-No Bears game tomorrow so its basically wait for the Patriots/Colts game.
What should you do while you wait? Watch the cheerleaders.


It's more exciting than watching the Chargers play
the Vikings, at least.

KOBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This is exactly how I feel right now:





-also, am I the only white guy in America that thinks Kobe was innocent?

Ultimatums Abound

Dear Lovie Smith,

I tried to do this politely, Coach. I wrote a nice polite letter, started this quaint little website, and have subtly and in a dignified manner argued for you replacing Brian Griese at quarterback with Kyle Orton. But now you've shown yourself to be as slow to the trigger with the untalented wretch that is Griese as you were with the promising tragedy of Rex Grossman. Now I get serious, Mr. Smith. Now I am through asking. I am demanding that you start the Neckbearded One. For every day that you don't, I will kill an imaginary animal. This week?



See this Unicorn, Coach? Graceful, noble, one of the most beloved and respected of all fantasy animals. You don't want the death of this beautiful creature on your hands, do you? Make the call, Coach. Kyle's neckbeard steps onto that field Sunday, or this animal sits impaled on its own horn Monday morning.

Thank You,
Code Red

Guitar Hero 3, my XBox 360, and me

My gamertag is KrunkMuthaFugga. If you want me to beat you playing GH3, drop me a friend request. I play on Hard. Fuck Expert for now. I want to enjoy hard for at least a week or two, cockblocks.


I do have a picture of me playing guitar hero, but I didn't want my
amazing rockability to scare you away.

Weekend wrap-up and cripples

Well, this last week was pretty up and down as far as my football interests go. Iowa won in double OT keeping our Alamo Bowl hopes alive! (WOOOHOO) But, as my esteemed colleague has already mentioned, Brian Griese reminded us why he sucks.

-Yes, Brian Griese got his balls back. But obviously his brain has regressed to what it was 2 weeks ago. Four INTS and 3 of them in the endzone? I'm sorry, but I thought stupid throws in the red zone were what you avoided when a veteran quarterback entered the game. Guess not. START KYLE ORTON.



-The Hawkeyes managed to win somehow (Albert Young) but Jake Christensen somehow sucked even worse than he has been, completing a measly 5 passes (3 of which were dump offs. And he missed two dump offs by overthrowing his RB on screens. On screens, damnit!) further strengthening the DUHHHHHHH opinion of kicking that moron to the bench and starting ANYONE but him.

-So the SEC decided to take a huge dump this Saturday, virtually guaranteeing that Ohio State will play Kansas/AZ State/ Oklahoma. The upside of such a bowl is that FINALLY the BCS will be scrapped. Honestly, OSU vs. Kansas? Who wants that?!?! Oh no....


AHHHH CHRIST!!! FINE! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!

Here's hoping that LSU can win out... somehow.

- Did anybody else see the commercial in which a man tells his friend that starting Jeff Garcia on his fantasy team made him communist? That is already in my top 5 favorite commercials with Terry Tate and the Merriman/Jackson Nike ad.

-Seriously, the 4 best teams are in the SEC right now (LSU, FLA, Kentucky, Spurrier) with the possible trade of SC for Oregon. Any title game without one of these four teams is a travesty... a sham... a mockery... a traveshamockery.

In homage to the SEC crippling itself this weekend you get plenty of videos of OTHER athletes crippling each-other. Enjoy:



THE MOST VOMIT INDUCING INJURY EVER. Me and Red both saw this live and the first shot you see, the live play, sent us both into one of these, as I recall: "OOHHHHHH!!! OHHHHHHHH!!! OH GOD OH FUCK OH DAMN OH SHIT!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"




Now this is also horrifying but it makes me smile because I hate Joe Theisman. Honestly, when LT reacts like that... shit is bad.



And now to MMA! One word: Bugggabuggablehhhhhhhhhhhh



Well, he seems to be aware that his arm is... a boomerang now. Notice how he kept punching with that arm. hard-fucking-CORE.



I did not see this live but... well when espnnews has a game break to show you an injury? Yeah it's bad. Shaun Livingston is a good guy. Remember that. Now if you look real close you can see every tendon in his leg tearing (If you didn't know? They did. Every damn one of em).



"But Iggins!" you say, "that isn't an injury!".
A) He injured that poor, defenseless backboard
B) This is the greatest dunk EVAR
C) I'm ready for some hoops! Chitown gettin Kobe and Iowa without Alford? Woo-Hah!!

News is Bad

Look, I know you miss me. Iggins! has filled this place with references to video games and praise of Brian Griese, whereas after last week's drive I had only calm appreciation and steady caution, Iggins! dared suppose that we place the hallowed name of our site under review. Well, I think Brian handed you your review, Bears fans, and it BURNED. This site's name is now more prescient then ever. I just used prescient on a blog. Start Kyle Orton, mother fuckers. We're 3-5, this season is dead in the water, you can't just float along with a journeyman quarterback. Either see what Kyle has to offer as option #3, or, dare I say it, at least see if Rex can be resurgent, because there's just no point in playing out the string with a quarterback whose entire ten year career is the poster for mediocrity. Unfortunately friends, my own computer's hard drive has fried and my posts will be erratic for a small measure of time, leaving this site almost completely in the hands of that maniacal video game loving bastard. When I have the chance to post, I will. Until then, God Bless, and remember, Iggins! loves video games, I can't stop what will come.

Mr. Ryan, meet Mr. Heisman

+

58 minutes of bad QB play, two interceptions, no touchdowns, and basically having been sodomized by VaTech's defense for 58 minutes.

+

4:11 left, on his own 8 yard line, down 10-0

+

A TD with 2:00 left

+

A recovered onside kick

+

TWO cross-field touchdown passes (the first called back due to a holding penalty)

+


Televised projectile vomiting, huh? Hey McNabb:
Matt Ryan waits until AFTER the game to puke
everywhere on National TV.

=

Yes, in London. Yes, this weekend.

There is indeed a football game being played in London this weekend. The reason you may not know this is that the game is between the worst team in the league (The Miami Dolphins) and the team that always falls apart right about this time (The New York Giants). Why do I care? Because this is the funniest quote this side of Kenny Irons:

Crowder, a former Florida Gator and Atlanta native, apparently isn’t sure where the plane is headed when it takes off this afternoon for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants in Wembley Stadium.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

Wow.

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

(Before this starts, a little background. 1) I am a hardcore gamer. I know everything that happens and has happened in the video game industry. How I manage this and still have a prevalent social life is one of life's great mysteries. 2) I have a vigorous passion for fighting, especially the UFC. My first full UFC event was Liddell vs. Sobral, and since then I've watched every one I can, plus the Ultimate Fighter. 3) These two things combined are horrifying, as is about to be demonstrated in a new segment I like to call UFC time with Kratos, God of War.)



Bow, mortal, for I am he who slayed Ares. I once ripped off Medusa's head, turned three other gorgons to stone, broke them into pieces, then shit down their throats. I am that badass. As such I only take interest in the most badass of sports, MMA. Although your pitiful mortal fighting styles PALE in comparison to the DESTRUCTION, MAYHEM, CHAOS, AND DISASTER that my Blades of Chaos can bring, it still amuses me to watch you filthy creatures battle as you do.



UFC 79: Nemesis
Indeed, the time has come. Fear for your livelihoods, humans, for the UFC has finally announced the long-awaited match that would pit Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva. The match was talked about for some time, but was put on hold several times (Probably because the puny Liddell creature LOST his title then LOST to Keith Jardine). However, putting that aside, Liddell is still a world class fighter. This God believes he was merely caught napping against Jardine and that he will show up to fight this battle, a match he has desperately wanted to fight for years. The most impressive part of all this MADNESS is that this fight isn't even the main event. That would be Matt Serra vs. Matt Hughes for the Welterweight title. I shall be cheering for Matt Serra because he is a WARRIOR, whereas Matt Hughes is a bible-pushing BITCH. My blades would take but ONE MIGHTY SWING to SPLIT his HEAD IN TWO. Serra would take two strokes of my blades at least.

I LAUGH At your pitiful fight card
The announcement of those two fantastic matches at UFC 79 could not have come at a better time, considering that UFC 78's fight card does not even WHET MY APPETITE for destruction, pain, and calamity. The main event is not only a NON-title fight, but a NON-top contender match. My MIGHTY PENIS could slay both Micheal Bisping AND Rashad Evans in one FELL BLOW. The best fighter at the event is fighting Thiago Silva in the number two match, Houston "The Assassin" Alexander. I have seen this man work, and it is NEARLY as GLORIOUS and titilating as killing ONE HUNDRED MEN whilst FEASTING on their immortal SOULS. His last two matches were both stopped early in the first round due to Houston BEATING HIS OPPONENT WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS PUNY LIFE. Being as one of these opponents was Keith Jardine, the man who recently defeated Chuck Liddell, I do believe the main event should maybe have been Forrest Griffin vs. Houston Alexander? Forrest Griffin would be my HERO were I not enough hero for FIVE HUNDRED HEROES already. Coming off of a SHOCKING/AMAZING/STUNNING/BEAUTIFUL upset victory over the then-ranked #1 Light Heavyweight in the world (ed. by various sources), Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, it would only be natural for him to receive a number one contender match. Dana White, I suggest you COMPLY or you shall FEEL MY BLADES.

Brock Lesnar cometh

Yes, mortal, you heard me correctly:


This creature has risen again, this time into the ranks of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. He was greeted with much SPECULATION and HATRED, but soon gained the respect of his training partners (The Quad Cities' own former UFC Champion, Pat Militich and lightweight champion Sean Sherk) by working HARDER than anyone they've ever seen and probably by CRUSHING their FRAGILE HUMAN BODIES. Brock will fight in the Heavyweight division. His first fight has YET TO BE announced, but Dana White has already said it will MOST DEFINITELY NOT be against Noguiera, Tim Sylvia, or any other Heavyweight contender. Quoth the raven:

“I respect that,” said White of Lesnar’s desire to fight anyone. “What I’ve seen from Brock Lesnar and from what I know of him so far from the conversations we’ve had is that he’s a real fighter. He’s one of those guys who wants to come in and fight the best, but there’s a progression that you need to have. You don’t just throw them to the wolves. Now, Brock Lesnar is a monster. He’s huge, he’s powerful, he’s incredibly gifted, he’s a great wrestler, but you have to take a guy through the steps the right way. He’s got to face similar competition on his way up even though his name precedes him. Now he’s gonna fight tough competition. Is he gonna walk right in the door and take on (Antonio Rodrigo) Nogueira? No, but he’s gonna work his way up like Brandon Vera and any of these other guys who fight in the UFC did. The difference is, once you get in the UFC, nobody’s a joke. All these guys in all these other organizations are either guys that we’ve cut because they couldn’t hack it in the UFC or guys we didn’t want to sign.”
- Dana White, UFC President
Regarding Brock Lesnar's proclamation that he could
fight anyone on the UFC heavyweight roster.

FEAR, mortal, for Lesnar has come. And he comes FOR YOU.

Iggins! power Rankings post-week 7

Power rankings time again, kiddies. Don't expect any more LOTR references... for now.

Wow, what the fuck happened here?
32) St. Louis Rams (Did Marc Bulger finally realize he's mediocre and just surrounded by talent like Holt and Jackson? Or did the Rams finally realize nobody cares about their division?)

Also total shit
31) Miami Dolphins

Still confused about how they got even one win...
30) Atlanta Falcons
29) New York Jets (They still won't start Kellen Clemens, eh? I've always doubted Kellen, and Red can attest to that, but still... you're 1-6. You aren't going to the playoffs. Might be time to give him a try.)

True Colors
28) Buffalo Bills
27) San Francisco 49ers
26) Oakland Raiders

Fuck these guys
25) Cincinnati Bengals

Sub mediocrity: Tastes like 6 victories
24) Minnesota Vikings (Their other 4 wins will come solely because of purple jesus)
23) Philadelphia Eagles
22) Cleveland Browns


Are they bad or good? Who the fuck knows
21) New Orleans Saints (Looking better and better... shit now I sound like [NAME REDACTED])
20) Houston Texans (Sage Rosenfels leads furious comeback... and Bironas kicks his 8th FG. These guys must have pissed God off.)
19) Arizona Cardinals


They're bad. Seriously, they are.
18) Baltimore Ravens
17) Kansas City Chiefs

If the were any more sporatic they'd be John Kerry
16) Chicago Bears

Mediocrity will get you... into the top 16?
15) Seattle Seahawks
14) Denver Broncos (Seriously, how the hell did they beat the Steelers? Is God taunting me? I know the Broncos aren't actually good, damnit.)
13) Tampa Bay Bucs (Ernest Graham is a beast. Still confused as to how the Lions won...)

These teams just should not be here. My head hurts.
12) Carolina Panthers (They drop one spot because Vinny got one week older)
11) Detroit Lions (NAY. NAY SAID GOD.)
10) Washington Redskins
9) Jacksonville Jaguars

Contending
8) New York Giants (Prepare for meltdown in t-minus 3 weeks)
7) San Diego Chargers (Ladanian Tomlinson is on fire! Literally! And so is his home!)
6) Tennessee Titans (They won, okay. They didn't have VY. Don't hate.)
5) Pittsburgh Steelers

Top Tier
4) Green Bay Packers (I have this feeling they're about to start losing)
3) Dallas Cowboys
2) Indianapolis Colts (ESPN is actually asking if Indy is better than Diablo. Nice job. Now you've summoned the second brother, assholes.)

Diablo and his brother, Baal, Lord of Destruction
1) New England Patriots (The expansion pack!)

College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings 10/23/07

Yes, yes, these are several days late, but I make no excuses to you.

Anywho, in a brief stepdown from my militancy of last week, I will at least give the "rankings" the token acknowledgement of reporting on the results of games involving the Top 25 last week. Then I will provide rankings of my own, still lacking in any real relevance to the game of college football, so, equally as important as the current AP and BCS rankings

Ohio State 24, Michigan State 17
Yeah. Let's just get this out, if I haven't made it clear already. OHIO STATE IS A MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL TEAM! THE BCS IS RAPING OUR DIGNITY! Todd Boeckman (or Krenzel The Deuce) and company managed to drop a whopping 24 points on the vaunted Michigan State defense, proving once and for all that this shit's just getting ridiculous.

Rutgers 30, South Florida 27
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, thank you Greg Schiano for finally dispelling the possibility of South Florida in the national title game. If Ohio State playing in the national title game this year may be college football's version of the Rape of Nanking, Ohio State playing South Florida would be the apocalypse of all that is good and holy about college football.

Oklahoma 17, Iowa State 7
Look, I can accept the fact that Oklahoma, in this fucked up travesty of a season, is now #4. I accept that there's still a very decent possibility that despite losing to Colorado, they could go to the national title game after running the table. But I can only warn you of the danger of an Ohio State-Oklahoma national title game. If this scenario were to occur, I wouldn't even call it the national title game, but the Tressel-Stoops Red And White Puntfest Overtime Smackdown. Iowa State people! IOWA STATE! Texas, in whats shaping up to be their most mediocre year of the Mack Brown era, beat the Cyclones 56-3. Fuck the BCS, fuck, fuck fuck.

LSU 30, Auburn 24
The true number one team in the nation wins on a last second TESTICLES!!! pass against bitter rival Auburn. Can't you people just accept that the SEC is the only legit conference in college football? DON'T YOU SEE! THE BCS IS A SCAM! JIM DELANY KEEPS IT ALIVE BECAUSE ITS THE MOST BRILLIANT WAY TO KEEP THE BIG TEN RELEVANT! FUCK THE BCS! FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Vanderbilt 17, South Carolina 6
Well, not, 100% legit. Look, once in a decade you take a shit while playing Vanderbilt, it happens. But South Carolina? Probably Big Ten, ACC, and possibly even Big East champions if you let them. That's not to say the SEC is so deep that this is still a legitimate loss for South Carolina. They dropped the ball, but they're still a good team.

Oregon 55, Washington 34
I've yet to see Oregon play live this year, so I can't pass an accurate assessment on them yet, but from what I've heard and seen in the scores and stats, this looks like a solid, solid team, with a scary good offense and Dennis Dixon is easily the best quarterback in the Pac 10

Florida 45, Kentucky 37
Andre Woodson throws 5 tds. TEBOW throws four and runs for a fifth. I want to crossbreed Tebow and Woodson and then use the superprodigy quarterback to spearhead my march to world domination. TEBOW!

West Virginia 38, Miss. St 13
I sincerely hope West Virginia takes advantage of the get out of jail free card that South Florida handed them this week and runs the table the rest of the way to win the Big East and its bid to the BCS, thus providing Steve Slaton with a victorious send off to the NFL. (and by the NFL, I mean the Bears, Please, Jesus? Please?)

UCLA 30, Cal 21
Look, UCLA, it was cute at first. "Oh look at Karl Dorrell, aww, he's got a chance to go 10-0 before playing USC and he loses to Arizona, isn't that adorable?" But now, UCLA, its getting fucking old. Either lose out and get that guy fired, or win out and beat USC, we're tired of your up and down roller coaster ride of shit.

USC 38, Notre Dame 0
God damn, do I hate USC, but Notre Dame is now 1-7. Soak it in. Bask in it. Let it wrap you in its warmth and carry you off to a place where no one feels any pain....except snooty Notre Dame loving bastards, who are regularly roasted on a spit of eternal hellfire.

Kansas 19, Colorado 14
Kansas continues to win, making the Mangino happy. When the Mangino is happy, we all feel relatively safe. When he is not, well, just pray Kansas wins.

Missouri 41, Texas Tech 10
Holllllyyyy Shit. I expected Texas Tech to make this game competitive, but in the battle of the two best quarterbacks in the Big 12, neither one shined, as Chase Daniel of Missouri was merely an efficient 14 of 19 for 210 yards and a td and pick each, whereas Graham Harrell lit the torch on his underdog Heisman campaign with a Colt Brennanesque "I'm on national tv? Well I'd best throw four interceptions.." performance.

Texas 31, Baylor 10
Yeah, that's nice.

Alabama 41, Tennessee 17
Well, Tennessee also does a great deal to dispell the whole "legitimate conference" thing for the SEC, but I prefer to look at the positives of Alabama also adding depth the conference. Plus, if we just blame this blowout and the one at the hands of Florida on Phil Fulmer, I think we all come out a lot happier

Pittsburgh 24, Cinncinati 17
Well, thankfully South Florida has lost, so my plea of a few weeks ago that Cinncinati manage to remain undefeated so that they will win the Big East rather than the Bulls is no longer necessary, as I feel much more comfortable riding with West Virginia the rest of the way. But, on the other hand, Damn you, Cinncinati, way to give Dave Wannstedt a win.

Oklahoma State 41, Kansas State 39
Its funny how one big win over an extremely mediocre Texas team keeps tossing Kansas State back into the rankings long enough for a loss to an unranked team the next week. Last time it was Kansas, this time it was Mike Gundy's team. He's a grown man, he's forty!

and finally..

Michigan 27, Illinois 17
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck penalties that keep drives going, fuck a coach who jerks two inexperienced quarterbacks around like its a game of Russian Roulette wherever every chamber is loaded, fuck Lloyd Carr, fuck the fact that stupid penalties and turnovers blew every chance Illinois had of beating a crippled Michigan team that started without Mike Hart and lost Chad Henne and Mario Manningham for great stretches of the game. Fuck.

And now my rankings.

1. Michael Scott

2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

3. Alexander Graham Bell
4. Nachos Bell Grande

5. Jessica Alba

6. Captain Murphy

7. John Daly

8. Texas Tech
9. Dr. Perry Cox

10. I'm stopping here because you're probably still looking at Jessica Alba

Brian Griese: Sunday, 3:30 ct

(First Bears drive of the game goes run, run, 3 yard out route on 3rd and 6, punt)

Griese: "Me no happy... me remember... me remember time when me were good..."

Disembodied Voice: "Brian? Brian!"

Griese: "Eh?"

Disembodied Voice: "Brian, I've finally found them. I can't believe that asshole Shanahan... honestly, he's a dick..."

Griese: "Where voice come from?"

Disembodied Voice: "Oh, God. You've deteriorated so badly you don't even recognize that my voice is coming from inside your helmet. Brian, it's me. RON TURNER!!"



Brian: "Ron Turner?"

Ron: "Thank God. Yes, it's me, Ron. Brian, I've sent a runner down to the sideline. He will have two items that were stolen from you on your departure from Denver. Items you forgot even existed. I believe you will find them to your liking."

Brian: "Gift for Brian?"

Ron: "Yes. And a gift to Chicago as well, Brian. A gift to us all."



(The Riders of Rohan pour out from the Lincoln Financial Field tunnel and race for Brian Griese. The horsemen surround Brian Griese. One of the soldiers, carrying a large satchel, dismounts and addresses Brian.)

Rider: "Good sir, we fought many a hard battle for these two items. The forces of Shana-han combined with the terror of Brett Favre's undead army... many good men were lost. All for these. Please; use them. Regain what you once had. Take your place."

The rider opens the satchel to reveal:



Rider: "... your testicles. The fiery red testicle of Lok'Grammir that holds the power to throw the ball over twenty yards accurately, and with passion. And the blue testicle of Rik'Thall that allows for intelligent gun-slinging. A deadly pair once held by Brett Favre, but now in your possession good sir."

Griese: "My... my balls..."

Rider: " Ah you remember! But the best is here. The final item we recovered..."



Brian: "Brain!?"

Rider: "Yes. This brain was stolen from you by the sodomites and Mike Shanahan long ago. This will allow you to hear Ron Turner's suggestions and to read defenses like a true quarterback."

(Rider places brain and testicles back into Brian Griese. A Holy light engulfs Lincoln Financial Field. The light abates...)

Brian: "I... I remember... I remember everything! I am a good quarterback! I be good!... oh shit!"

Ron Turner: "It may take a while for them to work to their full capacity, Brian... Oh shit! We're back on offense! Get out there!"

Brian: "Yes, sir!"

(Brian Griese leads the Bears on several stellar drives but fails to capitalize. The Bears go into the half down 9-3. In the locker-room at the half:)



Ron: "Brian, your... ahem... 'items' are working at approximately 60% capacity. Can you win this game?"

Brian: " I can. And I will."

(Back on the field, fourth quarter. The Bears have added three more field goals on stellar Bear drives.)

Griese: " It's working... but not enough. I'm not there yet. God I hope McNabb doesn't-

(Donovan McNabb scores a TD)

Griese: "Awww fuck."

(1:52 to go in the fourth quarter. Ball on the Bears 3 yard line. Brian Griese sees his Bears seem doubtful. Griese walks to the huddle)

Griese: "Guys, we can do this. I'm back. My balls and my brain are back. We ca-

(Griese's headset goes out)

Griese: "Oh Christ."

(Brian calls a play and walks to the line of scrimmage. Just before the ball is snapped...)

Disembodied voice: "Brian?"

Brian: "Ron?"

Disembodied voice: "No, my son. It is I, the son of man."



(Jesus the Christ descends in all his glory. Brian realizes that time has stopped.)

Jesus F'in Christ: "Brian, I see you're in a bit of trouble here."

Brian: "Yeah... I got my balls and my brain back but these goddamn- oh sorry-

Jesus: "Don't worry, happens all the time."

Brian " These goshdarned things won't work completely until the game is over..."

Jesus: "Well, I think we can fix that-"

(Christ Jesus grabs Brian Griese's package and squeezes. The most beautiful light in existence spills forth. When Brian comes to he is under center on the 3 yard line with 1:52 to play against the Philadelphia Eagles)

Brian: "My... my balls are working at full capacity!... I find Ayn Rand's works to be compelling and thought-provoking! I'm conservative again! It appears as though my brain is working again, too!"

(Brian takes the snap and engineers a 97 yard drive with no helmet communication capped by a TD to Muhsin Muhammad. Brian is running towards Muhsin to celebrate the TD. As he does he looks into the sky...)



Jesus: "Use them well my son."

( Brian winks at the sky as he is mobbed by teammates)

Fin.

News!!!!

A few interesting tidbits and some commentary from the past weekend...

Rick Reilly


Rick Reilly has defected from SI to ESPN, in a move that surprises me quite a bit actually. My favorite part of Sports Illustrated has always been "The Life of Reilly" and now he will be doing said column for ESPN: The Magazine, espn.com, and television. He is one of my favorite writers and (as an aspiring sports journalist) one of my main motivations. I wish him all the best and hope he is successful at ESPN.

Da Bears

Needless to say the game was great. Brian Griese finally discovered his testicles as did Ron Turner, the defense looked like the Bear's defense, Devin Hester and Greg Olsen both contributed healthily (I'm thinking of changing my Bear song from "Bear Down" to "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" so I can yell "YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU" and hold up the U of Miami symbol every time one of them does something great) and overall it looks like the name of this website may need to be suspended until further review.

The NFL in General

Or, rather, how crazy it is in the NFL. Parity abounds (leaving out Diablo) and it seems like every team in the whole damn league could make the playoffs. Chaos in both the NCAA and the NFL!?!?

On a related note, I really hope the Pats lose so Bill Simmons will shut the hell up.

Power Rankings tomorrow, until then:


If you haven't played Final Fantasy Tactics then do one
0f the following:
1) Kill yourself
2) Go buy The Lion War for the PSP

Ratchet and Clank: Future, The Lion War, Castlevania X: Dracula Chronicles, Eye of Judgement, and Guitar Hero 3 will all be out in the next 7 days. Weep, for ye have not enough time puny mortal.

Notes from A Weekend of Slumber

Hello there, everybody. I know you're all missing me after an uncomfortably long absence due to the amount of time i spent in my evenings this past week studying for the grueling round of midterms I have taken or are in the process of taking. I'll get to my college football roundup and rankings tomorrow, but here are some of my notes from this weekend..

- [Redacted], I hate you even more than ever. First of all, learn how to coach a team's emotion so we don't keep giving teams like Michigan extended drives. 10 fucking penalties? Four of them personal fouls? Teach some God Damn Discipline.

-Also, look, I know the trendy thing in college football right now is the the whole Leak/Teabow two qb system. I know LSU's had success doing the same thing with Matt Flynn and Ryan Perilloux, but the difference, [Redacted], between those two combinations and the whole Juice Williams/Eddie McGee system, is that Leak was a senior who knew how to manage games and pass effectively, as is Matt Flynn, whereas the Juice/McGee pairing is a Sophomore with no ability to pass, and McGee is a redshirt Freshman with no ability to run the option. Newsflash! When you have two quarterbacks that have potential but no real experience, you hitch your wagon to one of them and see if they pan out. You don't fucking jerk them in and out of a game like you're fly fishing. Let one of them learn how to do more than One fucking thing and then see what you've got.

-Tim Tebow is not a man, he is a dragon man, or maybe he's just a dragon, but he was still TEBOW! Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants!

-Brian Griese, for this week, no criticism shall befall upon you in our hallowed halls. But lose next week and we'll call for your head once more. But seriously, 97 yards in 1:45 with no timeouts, and your headset broken so you're forced to audible every play? Balls. Pure, gigantic, balls.

-Tom Brady- DIE! WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE!?

Lil Wayne has retired

I regret to inform you that Lil Wayne has stepped down as prediction master. He said something about "y'all being bitches" and "fuck deez hoes" then left. I'd like to think he left because he was sucking. In any case we're searching for his replacement, so this week I'll just do 'em my self.

Winners in ALL CAPS

TAMPA BAY vs. Detroit
Falcons vs. SAINTS
Titans vs. TEXANS
Cardinals vs. REDSKINS
PATRIOTS vs. Dolphins
RAVENS vs. Bills
49ers vs. NY GIANTS
KC vs. OAKLAND
Jets vs. BENGALS
Rams vs. SEAHAWKS
Vikings vs. COWBOYS
BEARS vs. Eagles
STEELERS vs. Broncos
COLTS vs. Jaguars

Also, if you're expecting me to rant about how bad the Hawkeyes are, you, sir, will be disappointed. What more can be said?