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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

F*&king Rick Morrissey. That F*&king F*&k.

You know the drill. Assface is in italics:

Not impressed with Bears

They don't think much of you either, pal.

Several readers chided me Monday for writing about Devin Hester's performance against the Vikings rather than the Bears' overall effort.

I'm sure that was just one of many, many complaints.

They thought I was stubbornly refusing to give the team credit for the victory. There's a very good explanation for that.

You're an insufferable shitbag who chose the Vikings to win, and, as usual, won't own up to the fact that you were wrong? Much like your nearly two-year long smear campaign against Jay Cutler based solely on the fact that you said the Bears shouldn't trade for him?

I was.


I'm still having a hard time seeing the Bears as a good football team, especially with the soft-as-a-kitten first-half schedule they recently completed and the here-comes-the-falling-anvil set of games ahead

Right. You should judge them based on games they haven't played yet. Good move!

Maybe it's a genetic thing or maybe I have a chemical imbalance or maybe my eyesight is starting to fail me.

Maybe you're just a cynical douche.

Or maybe I'm right.

This, folks, is Rick Morrissey in a fucking nutshell. In an a week where he should be writing about how he was adamant that the Vikings would win the game, he STILL sits there with a ridiculously undeserved sense of omniscience. "MAYBE I'M RIGHT." Didn't think of that, did you assholes? You'll hear about it if he is. Of course, if he's wrong he'll just write another god damn article saying why the Bears somehow still fail to satisfy his ever-changing and always-retarded standards and his confirmation bias will never, ever allow them to prove him wrong.

When will I be satisfied? When the Bears beat somebody. I don't consider the Vikings to be especially good, not with an aging, battered quarterback and a coach who waddles and quacks like a lame duck.

Mind you, Rick picked that team to beat the Bears Sunday.

And even with all that going against them, I thought they were going to beat the Bears on Sunday. That's where my belief level was and is at.

Because nothing can change your opinion, even when you're proven wrong. That's quality journalism, folks.

I'm looking for quality victories. I know the argument: Any victory is a quality victory in the NFL, especially in the current watered-down version of the league. It's one of those arguments that doesn't have a lot of meat to it, but one that, ultimately, can't be dismissed. Yes, a team's record is the bottom line.

You know what doesn't have a lot of meat to it? Saying a team isn't very good because all they've done is won, but just not in the vaguely unspecified "quality" way you're looking for.

But I also know what a good team looks like. A good team beats up on the Lions. A good team destroys the Bills. A good team doesn't lose to the Seahawks at home.

Exactly. A good team beats up the Lions (lost by 2 to the Packers, 3 to Eagles, 3 to the Jets, 8 to the Giants). A good team destroys the Bills (lost by 8 to the Patriots, lost by 3 in overtime to the Ravens). Hey, how about I further demolish this theory? A good team doesn't lose by 20 to the Browns. A good team doesn't get upset by the Cowboys at home. A good team doesn't lose at home to the Redskins. A good team doesn't lose to the Cardinals and Browns. Either there are no good teams in the entire fucking NFL, or Rick Morrissey is the biggest fucking moron to ever pick up a god damn pen.

The six teams the Bears have beaten have a combined record of 15-39. The three teams they've lost to have a combined record of 15-11.

That says a lot more to me than their 6-3 record.

Again. Welcome to the god damn NFL. You can only play the teams you're scheduled to play. If they suck, you should beat them. If you do, that's how you...make the playoffs and stuff. Only 12 teams in the NFL will make the playoffs. Let's assume I'm looking at a playoff team. That means they can only face 11 possible playoff teams in the entire season. Now, lets assume that the NFC North will only have one playoff team. That makes 10 possible playoff opponents the Bears could face. Except three of those will be in AFC divisions the Bears don't play. So that's 7 possible playoff opponents. Then again, chances are at least one or two of them will be in the NFC divisions that the Bears aren't scheduled to play this year, so that makes 5 possible games out of 16 against potential playoff teams. That means that EVERY TEAM THAT MAKES THE PLAYOFFS GOT THE MAJORITY OF ITS WINS FROM BEATING MEDIOCRE OR BAD TEAMS. So judging them solely based on their schedule would be...stupid.

Ask yourself what the ultimate goal is. If it's going to the Super Bowl, this team isn't a contender. If it's taking advantage of a league filled with average teams, then enjoy yourself. There's not a whole lot of excellence among the Bears, but there is opportunism.

Ahh. Back to the Platonic Ideal Super Bowl Team. Only TEAMS THAT LOOK ELITE TO RICK MORRISEY'S UNQUANTIFIABLE STANDARDS CAN MAKE THE SUPERBOWL. Which is why, I'm sure, Rick had the 2008 Cardinals and the 2007 Giants going to the dance. Or maybe it doesn't matter, because anyone that makes it to the playoffs has a shot at winning or making the god damn Superbowl. But sorry that I'll hope for a playoff spot and then god knows what rather than act like a pissy little ingrate because the Bears don't look like a fucking behemoth in November. I WANT GREATNESS. If I set the bar so high it can never be satisfied, then I'll always be right when I say they aren't great!

As usual, I'm ranting and most of Rick's shit is too dumb to even fisk so I'll skip down:

The Bears have no running game and a below-average passing game. On defense, they're excellent against the run but average against the pass. What says ''playoffs'' about that? Answer: a league that grows garden-variety teams.

Right. Its not like the Colts made the Superbowl last year with the 32nd ranked rushing offense in the NFL. Oh wait. That happened. But they're below average in the passing game, which is why Jay Cutler is averaging 3 fewer passing yards per game than Tom Brady. And why he's in the top half of the league in touchdown passes, yardage, and yards per attempt despite missing a game and a half with a concussion. On defense they have the 2nd best scoring defense in the NFL. They're 2nd against the run. They're 4th in total yardage allowed. They're 17th in passing yards, yes, but have allowed the fewest passing TDs in the NFL. They also have the most interceptions of any defense in the NFL. How the fuck is first in the NFL in passing TDS allowed and first in interceptions "average", Rick? Seriously. How fucking stupid are you?

If you've been reading me the last few years, then you know I've been on a crusade to get the McCaskeys to clean house at Halas Hall.

As the Bears collect victories, I fear that the number of people who agree with me is dwindling. There's no doubt we're being quieted as they continue to win. The team is in first place, so what else is there left to say?

You know why the number of people who agree with you is dwindling? BECAUSE IF THEY WIN GAMES THAT IS THE WHOLE GOD DAMN POINT OF THE SPORT. Why in God's name do Bears fans and media members want Smith and Co. fired if they win? Why? I hate when people say "I hope they lose out so so and so will get fired." Guess what. If they lose out, that'll happen anyway. They don't need your fucking help. If they win out? Well shit, maybe the guys in place are good enough. The most important thing is that NOTHING YOU DO AFFECTS THIS TEAM and that the dumbest possible fucking thing you can do is root against a team winning so that they can fire somebody and get someone in there whom you, presumably, want to win. Maybe cut out the middle man and just win?

I could end up being wrong. I could end up as a chapter titled ''Told You So'' in Lovie Smith's autobiography, if he ever writes one. I could be forced to watch the Bears' victory parade on Michigan Avenue.

But I don't think I will.

"And even if I am, I'll never admit it. I'll just rant that they didn't win the Superbowl by enough points, or that they faced an overrated team. Or I'll say any god damn thing other than "I was wrong.""

Eat shit, Rick Morrissey.

Around the NFL, Week 10

Falcons 26, Ravens 21
I'm beginning to come around to the possibility that the Falcons are better than I give them credit for being. I've always liked Matt Ryan. I still think the Saints are the best in that division, though. It'll be interesting to see their rematch in the Georgia Dome where Ryan is damn near unbeatable.

Colts 23, Bengals 17
What can you say about the Bengals? Every one of their losses is for the same reason.

NY Jets 26, Browns 20
The Jets have been wildly inconsistent the last few weeks. Hopefully they keep that up until they roll into Soldier Field.

Dolphins 29, Titans 17
Right now the Dolphins are looking at starting a third string QB and a back up left tackle on a short week against the Bears, at home, where they are just 1-3 this year. Some are probably salivating, but I won't. The last time I thought things looked this favorable for the Bears was the Seahawks game. I'm not a DOOOM type, but I'd like to see the Bears give me a few more weeks of not fumbling away games they should win before I feel bold enough to predict a bloodbath. Also, the Titans are melting down.

Jaguars 31, Texans 24
Oh Houston. You'll never change, no matter how many times you promise me you will.

Bills 14, Lions 12
I know this has been discussed over and over again but seriously, how the fuck does Shaun Hill not even TRY to get to it into the end zone on a 2 pt conversion attempt?? Worse Lions QB fuck up: Dan Orlovsky trying to pass a field sobriety test with the back line of the end zone against the Vikings in 2008 or Hill apparently thinking the last play of the game is a 2nd and Goal in the first quarter? Oh, congratulations Buffalo.

Buccaneers 31, Panthers 16
Damn the Bucs and their easy schedule. If New Orleans or someone worthier screws up and hands them a wildcard spot I'll be pissed. Unless they are then the Bears opponent in the playoffs.

Broncos 49, Chiefs 29
My hatred of Josh McDaniels is well-known and oft-stated, but I have to side with ol' Fuckface on the running up the score issue. Todd Haley can stop being a bitch. This isn't Alabama vs. Duke. You aren't supposed to be owned like that. You don't like it? Stop it.

49ers 23, Rams 20
Troy Smith throws for 356 yards to lead the 49ers over the Rams and create a log jam at the top of the NFC West, with all four teams within two games of the division lead. Everything about that division makes me hate football. That applies to its AFC counterpart as well.

Cowboys 33, Giants 20
Oh come on. You aren't even trying to make sense this year, Angry Old Testament Football God.

Seahawks 36, Cardinals 18
Arizona sure could have used a young Jake Plummer in this game. Seattle may be establishing itself as the class of that division. They've been outscored by 33 points this season. In fact, every single team in the NFC West has allowed more points than they've scored. Parity, folks. It hates you.

Patriots 39, Steelers 26
GRR! Tom Brady is angry and intense and stuff! Watch his pretty hair bounce with FIRE. Also, the Steelers suck against the spread offense. Granted, it helps that Drew Brees and Tom Brady run the offenses of the Saints and Patriots, but they're definitely vulnerable if teams can spread them out and dilute the pass rush of the 3-4.

Eagles 59, Redskins 28
The Redskins have been playing with fire all season. How do you even get to 4 wins despite being outgained in absolutely every single game this season? We know how Jay Cutler gave them a win, and the Packers also panked it all over the place when they turned it over twice and missed the GW field goal. They lucked out when Vick got hurt the first time around against the Eagles. In fact, they've consistenly managed to get every team's Worst effort. During their last two games their luck has run out, and last night Michael Vick vented the frustration of every team that had to watch the Skins over the first few weeks and wonder why nobody could manage to pull the trigger.

Not to take anything away from Vick, though. As much as I loathe to admit it he's undeniably a much better QB than he was in Atlanta. Its frightening to watch. It'll be interesting to see if Peppers and Urlacher and Briggs can slow him down in a few weeks. Historically Vick has been Brian Urlacher's bitch and has never beaten the Bears. We'll see what that means soon enough.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke tomorrow.