Monday, December 27, 2010

Les Carpenter, I Will Hunt You Down and Paint the Walls With Your Blood

I can't even begin to process this shit. You know the deal. He's in italics.

Bears need charitable foes on playoff schedule

Right. Because the Bears only win because opponents give them the game. Their 0-15 streak in the Deserved to Win Standings still holds strong!

The ball spiraled down through the frosty air and Devin Hester(notes) pumped his fist. Nobody much kicks to the Chicago Bears returner anymore. Not the way he darts around blocks, between tacklers and down the sideline.

Nobody kicks to him anymore? How is it that he's had returns in 14 of 15 games this season then? If the Matt Dodge/DeSean Jackson controversy taught us anything, it's that it's really hard Not to kick it to somebody every time.

Kick to Hester and you might as well prepare to lose.
And so, as he saw the ball coming his way, he couldn’t help but to smile.

Yes. The Bears only win on Hester returns. The fact that their offense is averaging 27 ppg in the second half has NOTHING to do with it.

Half a field later, as he was finally corralled in front of the Jets bench, he wagged a finger at the team so stupid to kick his way. No, no. Don’t you do it again.

He might as well have been waving to the rest of the NFL. Because what are the Bears in the looming postseason if they don’t get a team as dumb as the Jets?

I don't know. What makes the Jets any dumber than the rest of the NFL? The Packers kicked to Hester. The Eagles kicked to Hester. The Giants kicked to Hester. Every playoff contender the Bears have faced have kicked the ball to Hester. I don't think the Giants are particularly stupid. There's a reason why Hester has accumulated the stats he's accumulated long after it was painfully obvious how good he was. It's hard to avoid the returner. A guy like Hester can range sideline to sideline and a punter damn near has to shank it simply to make it Impossible for him to return it.

They are 11-4 with a step toward a bye the first week of the playoffs, and yet, if a team isn’t crazy enough to kick or punt the ball Hester’s way or let him turn a defensive back in circles the way he did Jets cornerback Dwight Lowery(notes) on a third-quarter touchdown, then how good are they really?

I don't know. Good enough that that's now the ninth game they've won this year without a Hester return TD. Hell, let's play this game with every other contender.

If you take away Drew Brees, how good are the Saints really?
If you cover Roddy White, who the hell will Matt Ryan throw to?
If DeSean Jackson doesn't touch the ball, how good are the Eagles?

I love how it's always pundits like this who get out their erection for "fundamental, hard-nosed football" and say shit like "special teams is a third of the game" and then scoff laughingly at a team that gets big contributions from their special teams like its some kind of fluke. For four years now the Bears have proven that their special teams is a really dangerous unit that sets up their offense with great field position and must be accounted for. That's not a fluke or something easily dismissed. That's just another sign of a good football team.

Chicago is supposed to be built on defense, growling about its ability to dislodge the ball from runners, recovering fumbles and snatching opposing quarterbacks’ passes from the air. Yet on Sunday, the Bears gave up 34 points to a quarterback (Mark Sanchez(notes)) with a throwing shoulder (right) supposedly so sore he could barely throw in practice this week.

Oh no! The Bears defense had a bad game against a team that has one of the best offensive lines in football! They neutralized Julius Peppers and the defense struggled. The Bears, as good teams will do, compensated on offense and still won the game. Sensible people would see this as the mark of a good football team. Idiots will continue to push an agenda that the Bears arent' very good because Calvin Johnson had a TD taken away or something.

Against the Jets, the Bears scored plenty points of their own. Twenty-one of them came in a 7:14 time period in the third quarter when New York and the new clown prince of football, Rex Ryan, essentially handed Chicago the game. This was after Ryan thought a fake punt on his own 40-yard line at the start of the second half would be a fine idea. And right after Ryan’s assistants apparently let punter Steve Weatherford(notes) boot the ball to Hester who set up a touchdown with a 38-yard return, which was right before the kickoff went Hester’s way and he pumped his fist.

No. Fuck you. That did not "hand the Bears the game." You do not score 38 fucking points against one of the top-scoring defenses in football because of one ill-advised decision. It was fucking 24-17 at that point. The Jets were not in fucking control of the game. Hell, their entire second half was mostly terrible outside of one blown coverage on Santonio Holmes that led to a Jets TD. Here are the Jets drives in the second half minus the Holmes TD:

4 Plays, 7 yds, Turnover on Downs
3Plays, 0 yds, Punt
12 Plays, 51 yds, FG
12 Plays, 40 yds, Punt
3 Plays, 5 yds, Punt
1 Play, O yds, INT.

The Bears outscored the Jets 31-17 in the 1st, 3rd, and 4th quarters. The Jets had a great second quarter. Using Carpenter's logic, outside of one chunk of time in the 2nd quarter, the Jets were never even in this game. The Bears scored 38 points. 7 of them came after the turnover, and hell, the Bears went 40 yards in one play on that drive. The Jets didn't "hand the Bears the game," the Bears fucking took it by beating the Jets vaunted CBs in man coverage. That's not luck. That's one football team beating another.

Without that 7:14 of Rex Ryan being Rex Ryan, Chicago likely loses this game and with it, much hope of getting that first-round bye. And that should worry many about these Bears.

Without that time period in which they scored a lot of points and took over the game, this team would probably have lost!

This is just shitty fucking journalism at it's worst. I can't even be funny about this. This is pathetic, agenda-pushing drivel. What kind of logic is this? You can't take away shit that happens on a football field. One play, sure. Go ahead and make that pointless argument. But three straight scoring drives spread out over most of an entire quarter? No. Fuck you.

They just don’t feel like a team that will go deep into January.

I'm glad you aren't even trying to use logic here.

Chicago has not built its 11 wins on the carcasses of gifted teams. It withstood a furious rally from Philadelphia to win a game in late November, beat a mercurial Green Bay team and should probably have lost on Sunday were it not for the bumbling Jets who absorbed their defeat by shouting loudly in their locker room after learning that Jacksonville’s overtime loss had put them into the playoffs. Otherwise, the Bears’ résumé includes losses to the Redskins and Seahawks. In their two marquee games, they lost 17-3 to the Giants and 36-7 to the Patriots.

The Bears have beaten the Packers, Jets, and Eagles. That's three teams that have at least 9 wins. That's the same number the Packers have beaten (except the Bears beat Green Bay), the same number the Eagles have beaten (except the Bears beat the Eagles), one more than the Saints have beaten, and just one less than the Falcons have beaten. Also, what makes the Giants game and the Patriots games their "marquee games." The Bears have played prime-time games against the Packers, Giants, Dolphins, and Vikings. They've won 3 of those 4. If those aren't their marquee games, then they've played playoff contenders in the Packers, Giants, Eagles, Patriots, and Jets. They've won 3 of those 5. The only reason this schmuck lists the Giants and Pats as their "marquee games" are because they're the ones that fit his narrative. Hell, why the fuck would the Giants be a marquee game? They're not even currently set to make the playoffs. They got beat by the Packers and Eagles, both of whom Chicago has beaten. This is just shit.

Such nights do not make a champion.

Wait, they can't win the Superbowl in October games against non-division opponents?

Usually teams on the verge of big playoff runs seem good at something. And Chicago did come into the game with the league’s eighth-ranked defense. But it was also a defense that gave up nearly 400 yards and let the Jets run free across the field, just as it allowed 475 yards to New England and 398 to Philadelphia.

And won two of those three games. What does it say when a team can beat two of three playoff bound opponents in games in which their defense didn't play particularly well (although they did against the Eagles, but some people will never grasp the concept of a prevent defense)? Apparently that means they suck ass and will lose to those same playoff teams that they beat. Or something.

Offensively Cutler looked alternately brilliant and awful on Sunday, which is sort of the way he’s been all season Only six times this year has he been the top passer in a game the Bears have played. There’s no sense counting on the quarterback, who has been derided in Chicago and previously in Denver as immature, to win games on his own. Certainly not behind the Bears offensive line which isn’t dominant enough to wait out his long looks downfield that have allowed him to be sacked 46 times this year and intercepted 14 others.

Who the fuck cares if he's been the top passer in the games the Bears have played? It's not like they're playing against the same defenses. He's won the games and his statistics are actually really good, regardless of how this guy tries to spin them in order to find the one or two that make him look bad. His 14 interceptions place him well behind guys like both Manning brothers (combined 41 picks for those two) and Drew Brees (19). I don't suppose those guys are "immature and unable to win games on their own." And he's only been derided by idiots like you. That doesn't count for shit.

Sunday might have exposed the Bears, told the country that even after beating another top AFC team, Chicago is not destined to march far into the winter.

It's been 15 games. The Bears have won 11 of them. I don't care if they've been "exposed." If they're so bad, why doesn't somebody just fucking beat them?

Eat a dick, Les Carpenter. You have a stupid name, anyway.