Sunday, October 17, 2010

Listen Up, Assholes.

I'm angry. Mostly because the Bears lost, yes, because I am a football fan and whenever my team loses I feel like punting kittens into oncoming traffic. But also because I hate this pantywaist fanbase with every fiber of my being. If the Bears fans I've talked to today are any indication (and I'm assuming they are because wild and over-reaching assumptions are my right as a blogger), people are losing their fucking minds over this loss like it means anything.

So here's what I have to say about the naysayers who cannot sit back and enjoy this f*&king football team:

Platonic ideal football teams don't exist.

The Bears aren't a great team. Hell, by most year's standards they may not even be good at all. But look around. This is a deeply flawed division in a deeply flawed conference in a mostly flawed NFL. I don't know who pissed in the well of excellence this offseason but nobody's too eager to take a drink. The Bears, Falcons, Saints, Eagles, and Giants have the best record in this conference. The Falcons have as many "questionable" wins as the Bears do. The Saints just got their asses handed to them by the Cardinals and (sorry TEC) those guys suck. The Giants are exceptionally fond of playing only half a season every year. The Eagles have an offensive line only marginally better than the Bears. This is a shitty year. The Bears are right there at the top of the least shitty pile.

Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Bears are in first place in their division. People keep waiting for the Packers and Vikings to pull their heads outta their asses but the fact of the matter is that Green Bay is a MASH unit that was never as good as they believed themselves to be when they were healthy, and Minnesota has a shitty old quarterback who finally won a game by not throwing the God damn ball. I'm not ruling out the possibility that either of those teams could straighten it out and beat the Bears. I'm not ruling out the possibility that the Bears will fuck this away. But the fact of the matter is that neither of those teams are the sleeping giant that the pathological inferiority complex bred into Chicago fans has people thinking they are.

Here's what we do know: The Bears are 4-2. This is good for a stand-alone claim to first place as well as a tie for the conference lead. Next week they may lose. It's theoretically possible they may win. Until they don't, I'm not panicking. Because I live in the present. People in football want to predict the future and it's stupid. Maybe for the media it makes some sense, because they're supposed to be detached from the teams they cover, but I'm not. I'm attached. I enjoy watching the Chicago Bears play football. Most years they've spoonfed me a rancid puddle of feces and I've been disappointed. Some years they haven't. This year they've won more than they've lost and are in first place. I'm going to enjoy it. Those of you telling me that they aren't going to finish in first place because they don't look like a mythical "contender" can kiss my ass. If your goal is, at the end of the year, to take comfort from a shitty Bears season by showing off that you, Joe Q. Asshole, were smart enough to see through the bullshit and knew they sucked, congratulations. All you've done is prevent yourself from deriving any kind of enjoyment from the sport of football. I pity you.

The Bears have the Redskins next. That's a winnable game. Then they have a bye where they can hopefully get some God damn plan figured out with that awful offensive line. Then they have @Bills, Vikings, @Dolphins, Eagles, @Lions, Patriots, @Vikings, Jets, @ Packers. The only one of those I'd feel comfortable predicting a loss to is the Jets. I wouldn't be shocked if they won that game though, because that's how the NFL works. Good teams lose to less good teams and sometimes even bad teams. Every one of those teams has flaws that the Bears are capable of exploiting. I still think they'll win enough of them to win this division. If they don't, fuck you.

Anyway:

THE GOOD:
-Johnny Knox: Great job, kid.
-Devin Hester: We missed you.

THE BAD:
-The Defense: Sorry guys, for the first time you make it here. Losing Briggs hurts, but you can't let an aging Hasselbeck shred you like that.

-Mike Martz: Well, this is the Bad Martz that I ranted against last year when his hiring was first announced. There's no excuse possibly at all for dropping Cutler back 47 times and only having 14 attempts rushing. None. I'm not foolish enough to think that the great rushing totals they racked up last week could be repeated week in and week out, but there was absolutely no fucking intent whatsoever to make the Seahawks respect the run. Nothing at all to slow down the pass rush that got to Cutler six times. This was atrocious. Cutler was off all day (although his deep ball was certainly there) but that's understandable given that he was coming back from a concussion. What's not understandable is why Martz did nothing to settle him in or work out any kind of sustained drive. Abominable playcalling.

Well, that's where we stand. The Bears are still all alone in first place, call me when they aren't and I'll come up with a new reason to call you all idiots.