Thursday, December 9, 2010

Prognostication Bukakke, Bonus Rounds

While my victory over Iggins! this year will stand for all time as one of history's great massacres, I am a merciful king and have decided to run out the rest of the NFL season in order to give him a measure of redemption since, as he states, he was "only" nine games back in that category. However, the fact that Iggins! was defeated last week by my lady-friend amused me, and I have decided that these last four weeks will actually be a three-horse race for a conciliatory prize that might give Iggins! a slight measure of redemption, but he'll probably lose because he's a sad excuse for man. Either way, the new standings, based solely on last week's NFL picks:

Code Red: 13-3
Mrs. Code Red: 11-5
Iggins!: 10-6

To this week:

Colts @ Titans
Code Red:
I think the Colts will manage to overcome what I’m sure will be another Manning interception or seven to beat the punchless Titans. Colts win.

Iggins!: Manning has really fallen to pieces, and the Titans have the Colts’ bane, a great RB. Titans will win.

Mrs. Code Red: Well, the Titans have lost their last five games and the Colts have only lost their last three, so I’ll go with the Colts. Plus I still like Manning, even though I’m pretty sure I’m not really allowed to.

Code Red: It's not necessarily outlawed. It's just strongly discouraged. We're not talking about Favre here.

Buccaneers @ Redskins
Iggins!:
The Bucs are maddeningly consistent. They’ll beat the Redskins.

Code Red: And the 'Skins are just maddening. I'll take the Bucs as well, but the usual Redskins caveat remains that they may win a game they have no business winning for reasons no one can explain.

Mrs. Code Red: Since both teams are pretty mediocre, I’ll take the Bucs take it because I like their cheerleader’s outfits.

Browns @ Bills
Code Red:
The Bills can’t stop the run very well, which is the only reason I’m going to go ahead and say that the Browns will overcome the fact that Jake Delhomme is starting again to win this game. Browns win.

Iggins!:
The Bills looked terrible against the Vikings. I’ll take the Browns.

Mrs. Code Red: Browns. The Bills are really bad. Even I know that.

Giants @ Vikings
Iggins!:
I’ll take the Giants, but if Tarvaris Jackson plays I think the Vikings will end up winning.

Code Red: Why? The Giants aren't a great team, but they're a good team. T-Jack had 3 picks, one for a Bills TD, and has never been good at any point in his career. The fact that he's better than Favre doesn't actually make him capable of beating good teams. Rex Grossman is better than Favre at this point. Giants win.

Mrs. Code Red: You've trained me well—I can’t stand Brett Favre and I haven’t even ever really watched him play. For that reason, I will take the Giants.

Code Red: It wasn't me. Brett Favre-hate is engrained in all of us from birth. It's a noble calling within our very blood.

Packers @ Lions
Code Red:
I’m sure the Packers will beat the Lions by a small margin just like last time and the media will ignore it while continuing to make up some bullshit about a seven yard penalt y being the only reason the Bears escaped the Lions. Packers win.

Iggins!: The Lions almost beat everybody, and fail to beat almost everybody. I’ll take the Packers.

Mrs. Code Red: Lions fans need to realize that they just aren’t very good. It isn’t because of a lucky break every time a team beats you. It’s because they’re better. I don’t like whiney fans, so Packers win.

Raiders @ Jaguars
Iggins!:
The Raiders showed a lot of life last week, and the Jags are in for a letdown, so I’ll take Oakland to win.

Code Red: I'm picking the Jaguars because they're at home, because I want the Colts to miss the playoffs, and because I still hate the f*&king Raiders.

Mrs. Code Red: This might be a good game? I feel bad that people always talk about how bad the Raiders are, especially when they aren’t even that horrible this year. I’m going to go with the underdogs just for fun. Raiders win.

Code Red: NO! NO ONE FEELS SORRY FOR THE OAKLAND RAIDERS!

Bengals @ Steelers
Code Red:
Sigh. There are no breaks for the Bengals. They have to go to Pittsburgh this week, have another match against a superior Browns team, then have to face the Chargers and go on the road against Baltimore. They’re likely looking at a 13 game losing streak to close the season. Cripes. Steelers win.

Iggins!: Steelers win. There needs to be a lot of firing and releasing done in Cincinnati.

Mrs. Code Red:
Back when my family of Mass-holes made me watch Pats football when I was little, they played the Steelers in the AFC Championship game. Our neighbors happened to be die-hard Steelers fans and an all-out war broke out between the families. I always remember that the Steelers were really good, so even though this is over a decade later, I still automatically think Steelers=good. So Steelers win.Code Red: Yeah, but from an early age I still remember Pats=Fuck them.

Falcons @ Panthers
Iggins!: Falcons win.


Code Red:
Redundant. Falcons win.

Mrs. Code Red: Is this even a real game? Why are the Panthers even bothering showing up?
Falcons win hands down.


Seahawks @ 49ers
Code Red:
Oh hell, I don’t know. I’ll take Alex Smith having the game of his life against a crappy Seahawks pass defense for the upset. 49ers win.

Iggins!:
Is that an upset? I hate this division so much. 49ers win.

Mrs. Code Red: I’m going to go with the Seahawks because I like the Mariners uniform colors and they’re from the same city.

Code Red: Well, that makes sense, because the Mariners don't totally suck or anything either.

Rams @ Saints
Iggins!:
The Saints have turned back into the Super Bowl team they were last year after a shaky period. Saints win.

Code Red: Indeed. Even if they hadn't they'd be able to pummel the damn Rams. Saints win.

Mrs. Code Red: Is Drew Brees’s baby still cute? Oh he is? Okay. Saints win.

Code Red: With another on the way! Keep 'em coming, Breesus. Your progeny shall also someday be incredibly accurate and charming NFL quarterbacks.

Patriots @ Bears
Code Red:
I would be lying if I said this game didn’t scare me more than any they’ve played this year. Hell, I was extremely confident of a victory over the Eagles. The Patriots defense has been dogshit outside of Monday’s annihilation of Rico Mirerez, and they still gave up over 300+ yds and a 5.0 yards per rush average against the Jets despite allowing only three points. I’ll take the home team with the combination of Awesome Defense/Average Offense (It’s an upgrade from shitty, which is where they were before the bye) over Awesome Offense/Crappy Defense. Bears win 30-23.

Iggins!:
I would take the over on this game, whatever it is. I’m taking the Bears because it’s at Soldier Field, final score something like 38-34.

Mrs. Code Red: Am I even allowed to choose against the Bears? Logically I sort of want to say that the Pats will win and this could be my chance to choose them and get one up on the boys who are too loyal to say the Bears won’t win, but I think I’d be killed. So Bears win…maybe. Maybe could I get half a point if the Bears win and half a point if the Pats win?Code Red: No. Choose, dammit. Go with your black heart and pick the Pats if you want, Judas. But you must choose.

Mrs. Code Red: Fine. I'll take the Bears.

Code Red: Good. Remember, once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Broncos @ Cardinals
Iggins!:
So the worst division in the AFC and the worst division in the NFC have a game betwee the worst two teams within their divisions. If this game isn’t blacked out these fanbases need to be slapped. Broncos…win?

Code Red:
It truly is wretched. Someone asked Cutler what he thought of McDaniels getting the axe and he replied that it wasn't his concern. God dammit, Jay. Go for the dagger. None of that "bigger person shit." I'll pick the Broncos so McD can feel like even more of a failure.

Mrs. Code Red: Well this should be fun. What happens when two really not good teams square off head to head? I’m not sure. I’ll go with the Broncos I guess, because I hate the Cardinals (not the football team, the baseball one).

Dolphins @ Jets
Code Red:
For all of their many faults, the Dolphins still have a good secondary that can further wreck Mirerez’s shit and I don’t expect the Jets to have put it all back together yet. Dolphins win.

Iggins!: Pfft. Jets win.


Mrs. Code Red: Apparently I’m missing something, because as far as I can tell, the Jets should win…? So even though something must be up for Code Red to pick the Dolphins (a mediocre team that he highly dislikes), I’ll go with the Jets.

Code Red: It's called the Patriots made them their bitch and they're overrated and I hate their overrated QB and his stupid overrated face. THAT's what's up.

Chiefs @ Chargers
Iggins!:
The Chargers looked like junk last week and the Chiefs defense won’t be any easier. I’ll take the Chiefs to lock up the AFC West.

Code Red: I think the Chiefs still win the division, but the Chargers will get it back together at home. Chargers win

Mrs. Code Red: I can’t really believe that a team from Kansas City is actually accomplishing anything in any sport at all. Living around a lot of Royals fans, it’s really hard for me to grasp that there are teams from KC that win occasionally. But apparently there are, so I pick the Chiefs.

Code Red: To be fair, it's a recent development.

Eagles @ Cowboys
Code Red:
I heard a Cowboys fan on the radio last night calling this the GAME OF THE WEEK with the typical arrogance once can expect from that franchise. Buddy, there are nine games out there in which both teams have at least a slim hope of reaching the playoffs. This isn’t one of them. Dallas sucks. Eagles win.

Iggins!:
Dallas looks a lot better, but Vick is gonna rip their shit. Eagles win.

Mrs. Code Red: Eagles win. The Eagles are good, the Cowboys are not. Plus I dislike Tony Romo, whether he’s playing or not. I’m not sure why, he just really annoys me.

Code Red: Well, most of all it's that all Cowboys quarterbacks are inherently hateable. Except Quincy Carter. We miss you, Quincy Carter, get off the blow and get back to football so you can tank some more Cowboys seasons and remind us all of why Jerry Jones shouldn't actually run a football team.

Ravens @ Texans
Iggins!:
The AFC South is pure mediocrity, but I’m looking for an improving Texans team to win this game… then promptly lose their last 3. Texans win.

Code Red:
What exactly makes the Texans "improving"? Ravens win.

Mrs. Code Red: I’m not even going to try to guess based on any sort of statistics or logic here. I will never be able to accept “Texans” as a mascot. No. Ravens win.

Code Red: It won a fan vote, though. Which is bullshit. You let me name an NFL franchise and I'll mobilize a million voters tomorrow for the Houston Cthulhus.