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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Bottom 10 Bears Quarterbacks Of My Lifetime

In honor of Rex returning to the starting job, giving him one final chance, and giving us one final hope that he may become the Bears first legitimate quarterback in decades, or, failing Rex, our website's namesake, I have decided to list the 10 main reasons Why we have hung onto Rex so desperately despite his best efforts to make us hate him. Because really, if you ever need a reminder of how good we had it during Rex's good games last year, and hell, even Griese's starts this year, I give you ten reminders of how dark it can get.

#10- Chad Hutchinson

Chad was signed by the Dallas Cowboys in 2002 as the first of two Jerry Jones attempts to sign failed baseball players that were mediocre college quarterbacks and make them into NFL stars. That doesn't make sense you say? Well, welcome to the mind of Jerry Jones. Chad started 9 games after taking over for Quincy Carter as Cowboys starter in 2002 and went a robust 2-7. When Bill Parcells took over in Dallas, he tolerated Chad's surfer boy demeanor and deer in the headlights style of quarterbacking for all of one season as a backup and then cut him. After Rex tore his ACL in the third game of the 2004 season, Chad signed with the Bears and spent the next seven games trying to grasp the vast and ineffective playbook of Terry Shea. After a surprisingly amazing game against the Vikings in his first start where he threw for over 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, Chad then went 0-5 the remainder of the season against powerhouses such as the Houston Texans and Detroit Lions, barely averaging 5 yards per attempt, and making Bears history (by that I mean what I can remember) by scoring a miraculous 5 points against the Texans in a 24-5 loss. After Devestating Rex Injury #2 in the 2005 preseason, Chad was handed the starting job and managed to lose it after two preaseason starts, culminating in a 1 for 13 game against Buffalo, leaving Lovie to make the obvious (and therefore surprising) move of naming rookie Kyle Orton the starter and cutting Chad.

Chad's Line: 6 games played, 6 starts, 92 of 161 passing for a 57% comp. rate, 903 yards, 4 tds, 3 ints,a 73.5 rating and a meager 5.6 yards per attempt.

#9 Steve Stenstrom

Coach, I finally found that end zone dealy you were talkin about. Now what do I do with the ball?
Steve marks the second Stanford quarterback to make this list (also is only the 2nd quarterback. Stanford sucks). Bill Walsh coached Steve at Stanford during his second college coaching stint and made the remark that he considered him the second coming of Joe Montana. In reality, he was the second coming of Steve Fuller. Steve spent four years with the Bears from 95-98, but was only given the opportunity to start in his final year. He started seven games and went an impressive 1-6. After finally giving him the opportunity to suck all four quarters, the Bears were disappointed in their Mini Montana and released him. San Fransisco then picked up Stenstrom, believing that playing for the same team as Montana would unleash his inner wonderboy. They were wrong.

Steve's Line: 13 games, 7 starts, 123 of 214, 57 % comp., 1,359 yds, 6.4 ypa, 4 tds, 8 ints, 67.1 QB rating.

#8-Chris Chandler

Chris "Chandelier" holds the distinction of being Brian Griese before Brian Griese. Before the 2002 season the Bears beat out several teams for the insurance policy of having Chris Chandler at quarterback, as he had just been run out of Atlanta after being replaced by the young Michael Vick. Boy, what a deal the Bears got in this one. Chandler managed to be even more fragile than the porcelain Jim Miller, and the repeated injuries to both enabled such illustrious quarterbacks as Henry Burris and Kordell Stewart (don't worry, they're coming) to start games for the Bears. But Chris isn't here just for letting crappier quarterbacks onto the field, he did a fine job of sucking on his own when he was "healthy" enough to play. In his two seasons with the Bears Chris started 15 games, and went a healthy 5-10 in those starts. He also had the most hilarious male pattern baldness known to man, and was the fastest person I've ever seen at switching from helmet to sideline caps the numerous times he was benched.

Chris's line: 17 games, 15 starts, 210 of 353, 59% comp., 2,073 yds, 5.9 ypa. 7 tds, 12 ints, 68.6 rating.

#7- Peter Tom Willis

I'm Peter Tom Willis, and I Sucked So Bad in the NFL no one took my picture.

Peter Tom Willis, or PT, was a very efficient and popular quarterback at Florida State in the late 1980s, and still holds the Florida State record for passing efficiency at 148.1. However, all Florida State quarterbacks are no talent hacks who are lucky to make mediocre backups in the NFL. Peter was unlucky in that he wasn't mediocre. He sucked. The Bears drafted PT in the 3rd round in 1990 hoping to use him as a solid backup to Jim Harbaugh after the departure of Mike Tomczak. For two years, PT was just that, as Mike Ditka refused to start him in 1990 or 1991 no matter how many times Bears fans became fed up with the sometimes poor play of Jim Harbaugh. In 1992, with the Bears sinking in an eventual 5-11 season, Ditka finally benched Harbaugh after 12 games and started PT in weeks 14, 15, 16. PT went 1-2 in those starts before being benched for rookie Will Furrer in the season finale. The Bears kept PT around for the 1993 season, and the dazzling combo of head coach Dave Wannstedt and the terrible play of Harbaugh in his final season in Chicago gave PT one final chance to start for Chicago. He failed.

PT's Line: 21 games, 4 starts, 104 of 183, 57% comp., 1,261 yds, 6.9 ypa, 6 tds, 15 ints, 54.9 QB Rating.

#6-Craig Krenzel

Craig Krenzel was the starting quarterback for Ohio State during their 2002 national title run. He is what most people would call the prototypical caretaker quarterback. His right arm was designed to hand off and throw screen passes. In the Bears quarterback evaluation process, that makes him NFL-worthy, and the Bears drafted Craig in the 5th round of the 2004 draft to serve as the third stringer behind Rex Grossman and Jonathan Quinn. After Grossman was injured and Quinn..we'll get to that later, Craig was given the chance to start in week 7 of the 2004 season. Despite being absolutely atrocious as starting quarterback, Craig managed to win his first three NFL games because of stellar play by the defense and special teams, and the fact that his first three opponents went a combined 15-33 that season. Craig and the Bears then lost his next two starts, the last one against Dallas resulting in an injury to Craig's hand or foot or something that landed him on the IR for the rest of the season. I'll give Craig's regular stat line in a minute, but I want you to consider something, in 6 games as starter Craig threw six interceptions and had four fumbles. thats 10 turnovers in 6 games, while throwing only 3 touchdowns. So if you thought Rex and Brian were turnover prone, imagine the turnovers without any production to counterbalance it. There's Craig.

Craig's Line: 6 games, 5 starts, 59 of 127, 46% comp., 718 yds, 5.7 ypa, 3 tds, 6 ints, 52.5 QB Rating.

Bottom 5 to come later in the day or tomorrow.

Oh it is ON BITCH

Perhaps this began as a mere point-counterpoint between a camp defending Tim Tebow and a camp defending Dennis Dixon, but now it is ON.

Let's dissect the defintion from the Heisman site:

"At the insistence of the DAC officers he organized and set into motion the structure and voting system to determine the best collegiate football player in the country"

At no point in said description does it ever use the word individual. Inherent in the emboldened phrase above is the idea that the best player must also be the best teammate. He must be upheld to the highest standards of athleticism, teamwork, professionalism, and winning. Tim Tebow may be the most talented Div. 1 football player in the country (disputable, but for the sake of argument I will allow it) but he is not the best team player in the country. He has proven unable to lift his team above top-tier competition by himself on three seperate occasions.

In the same time frame, God-being Dennis Dixon has lost a mere single time, and he lost because the referees flipped a coin and decided to turn a touchdown into a touchback. Tim Tebow, on the other hand, was involved in only 1 game in which he had no control over the final outcome, against LSU. Let's explore the other two games:

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Auburn (20) @ Florida (17)

Tim Tebow's line:
20/27, 201 yds passing, 1 TD, 1 INT
19 rushes, 75 yards, 1 TD
-Tim Tebow posts a clearly subpar line, especially for his standards, at home in the most intimidating stadium in college football, and his team pays the price. This loss falls squarely on Tebow and the offense's shoulders: having to score more than 20 points at home should not have been difficult for a guy who normally posts 300 yard, 4 TD games.

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Georgia (42) vs. Florida (30)
Tim Tebow's line:
14/22, 236 yds passing, 1 TD, no INTs
13 rushes, -15 yards, 2 TDs
-Once again, very conservative numbers for the baby rhinocerous. The -15 yards rushing and 2 TDs may be good if you're a fantasy owner, but not if you're a teammate, or a U of FLA fan.

As I said, the LSU loss is entirely excused because 1) LSU is the number one team in the nation and 2) The Florida defense allowed LSU to convert 3 4th downs on the final drive. In Dennis Dixon's one loss he went 31/44 for 301 yards with 1 TD and 2 INTs, unless you count the final touchdown that should have counted. In the LSU game, Tebow went 12/26 for 158, 2 TDs, and 1 INT, and ran for 67 yards on 16 carries.

If we take out games that their respective teams should have won, Tebow didn't play well in 2 of his team's biggest games, and Dixon has yet to play poorly in a loss. If we count every game regardless of how the game was won, Tim Tebow has lost all three of his team's games while Dennis Dixon has lost only one of his team's.

The Heisman trophy goes to the best player in every aspect of that word. The player must be a talented athlete, must be a fearless leader, must be the most valuable player on his team, and most importantly must win games for his team. Dennis Dixon has proven time and again that he is the best player in the country.

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You don't have to believe me. But you certainly should not believe a man who would suggest that Riddick, aka Vin Diesel is on his side. He is most definitely not. Red is a constant slanderer of everything Vin Diesel, which not only makes him a woman, it makes him UnAmerican. Lying about Vin Diesel's affiliation is bad, but it doesn't end there.

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Riddick is pissed

Jessica Alba hails from California, affiliating her with the Pac-10 conference. Clearly she supports Dennis Dixon. Ronald Reagan was the 33rd governor of California, thus affiliating him with the Pac-10 as well. Bruce Willis is from Germany, and he doesn't give two shits or a fuck about the Heisman. Jesus loves America, and because of that, he must love Dennis Dixon. Allow me to revise the list of people who want Tebow for Heisman:

-Ricky Williams
-Jeb Bush
-millions of illegal immigrants

And Dennis Dixon's list?:
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-although Stacy Kiebler was originally born in Baltimore and was a Ravens cheerleader, she lives in Los Angeles, affiliating her with the Pac-10 and America's candidate, Dennis Dixon.

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-Tarantino was born in Knoxville, Tennessee. While California has no problem supporting a Pac 10 candidate from Oregon, Tennessee has a very large problem with supporting an SEC candidate from Florida. If I have to tell you why, you clearly need to watch more college football.

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Vote for Dennis Dixon, America.

Oh, Really?

From Football at "The Heisman Trophy is presented annually to to the nation's outstanding college football player"

From the Heisman website- "At the insistence of the DAC officers he organized and set into motion the structure and voting system to determine the best collegiate football player in the country"

From Wikipedia- "The Heisman Memorial Trophy Award (often known simply as the Heisman Trophy or The Heisman), named after former college football player and coach John Heisman, is awarded annually to the most outstanding collegiate football player in the U.S. Although not the only award honoring the best player in college football, it is considered the most prestigious individual player honor in American college football."

I see no mention of the Team, only the individual. And first off, wanting the best INDIVIDUAL player to win isn't communism, despite what certain morons who write at this blog will tell you. As a matter of fact ,its anathema to communism.

"The noble soul par excellence. The man as man should be. The self-sufficient, self-confident, the end of ends, the reason unto himself, the joy of living personified. Above all-the man who lives for himself, as living for oneself should be understood. And who triumphs completely. A man who IS what he should be."- Was I describing Tim Tebow? Close, thats Ayn Rand's description of Howard Roark, the protagonist of the The Foutainhead, her interpretation of the perfect man. But really, when applied to the world of football, is that NOT Tim Tebow? Dennis Dixon is a sham perpetuated by playing in a conference of weak defenses. Its true Oregon has beaten the best teams in their conference, all of whom rank below LSU and Georgia. And the last time I checked, nobody thats supposedly one of the best teams in the SEC has lost to Stanford. The simple fact of the matter is, Tim Tebow is a living football God. He is power incarnate. He is the Alpha and the Omega. Check out these Tim Tebow supporters for Heisman

Do the right thing, folks. Tebow for Heisman

Iggins!: Coaches are funny edition

Wow.In the last 10 days I've seen more coaches flip out or say hilarious shit than in any previous ten day span. Before that, however, a few random tidbits from this last week:

-Tim Tebow may be leading Dennis Dixon in every possible category this season, but he is behind Dixon in the most important category: wins. Tebow has lost three times this year to Dixon's one, not to mention that Dixon beat the best teams in his division (and they should have beaten Cal. That call was shit.) while Florida lost to the best teams in theirs, putting aside a win over Kentucky (who will always be Kentucky). The Heisman does not go to a player who loses 3 games. It is a trophy that goes to the player who has helped their team to WIN the most while also putting up gaudy statistics. The Maxwell award goes to the best INDIVIDUAL regardless of wins. If Florida wins the SEC, then there is an argument. Until that time, it is Dennis Dixon's trophy to lose.

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A vote for Dennis Dixon is a vote for teamwork and
democracy. Don't be a communist.

-Stephon Marbury finally did physically what he's been doing mentally his whole tenure in New York: he abandoned his team. After Isiah Thomas benched him Starbury just up and left the team, returning to his home in New York instead of going on the Knick's current West Coast road trip. Reports suggest that he is o a plane as I type this, flying to L.A., but honestly, I don't think the Knicks want him back. I'm pretty sure they hope that plane he's on crashes.

- There has been a recent rash of coaches going crazy or otherwise saying things that might be considered... in poor taste? Let's explore:

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-Joe Glenn, coach of The University of Wyoming Cowboys, shows his displeasure with Kyle Whittingham, U. of Utah's coach, over a call to kick an onside kick while up 43-0 in the 3rd quarter. Glenn had, earlier in the week, guaranteed a win over Utah. That didn't turn out so well for him. Personally, I think this was justified in both regards: Whittingham deserved to rub in a 50-0 victory over Glenns team as much as he wanted because Glenn guaranteed a win, and Glenn is okay to flip the bird because it was still a dick move. Imagine if this had happened at the OSU vs. Michigan game! Oh, lord, how fun that would have been.

-Phil Jackson, L.A. Lakers coach, enjoys explaining things the way college kids explain things to their friends. Generally, if you get beaten badly, you were "Sodomized," or, as Mr. Jackson put it: "We call that a brokeback game, there was a lot of penetration and kickbacks." I would write something witty about that but it really speaks for itself.

-Pat Riley, Miami Heat coach, apparently has lost the ability to have... ahem... relations. This is the way has reprinted his quote:

"I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

but what was actually said was:

"I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip, I'm 62 years old, I can't fuck, and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

seriously. go listen to the interview.

-Mike Leach, beloved head coach of Texas Tech, blames the referees for everything wrong in his life:

"I think it's disturbing that Austin residents are involved in this. People work too hard, too long, there's too much money invested in these games to allow that," Leach said.

"Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I'm condemning the crew," Leach said.

"Unless this can change, the Big 12 Conference needs to take a serious look at having out of conference officials officiate the Texas Tech-Texas games and perhaps other games where there is proven to be a bias by officiating," he said. "It's unfortunate and does the bowl picture enter into it? I don't know. Does the money enter into it? I don't know."

Leach went on to blame the referees for his hair thinning, global warming, and the spread of the AIDS virus.

-Couple those with all the other coaching hilarity from this year:
-Mike Gundy: "I'm a man! I'm forty!"
-Isiah Thomas sexually harasses every woman he sees.
-Norv Turner in general

and you've got yourself a hilarious year for coaching. Still, nothing can beat this: