Monday, October 8, 2007

Aw Shucks, I love Football.



(Favre throws 7 yard slant under coverage to Driver. 10 yard run after pass.)

Shucks. I love football. All night long, just me and my rocket arm throwin them slant routes. I must seriously be the best quarterback ever to play the game.

John Madden: Look at the way Brett Favre rockets in the pass. He throws that five yard slant route better than any quarterback in the history of the game.

(Fave throws 6 yard out route to James Jones, 5 yard run after catch)

I mean really, the Bears can't stop me. Golly, ain't no team in the NFL can stop this powerhouse train of quick slants and out routes underneath the coverage. Shoot, I'm so dang happy I didn't retire. I'm showin the world that Ol' Brett's still got it, and by it of course I mean the ability to throw 5 yard slants. But damnit, I sure throw em purty.

(Favre throws 6 yard slant pass under coverage. Pumps fist energetically)

John Madden: Now, now, Brett Favre, he throws that slant pass prettier than any others in the game. Did I mention that Brett, he, Loves the game? You gotta love a guy that loves the game. Because if you don't love football, than your just playing it. But Brett doesn't play football, he loves it, and that makes him a great lover of the game.

I mean golly, what a great game to play. What a great use of my abilities. My resurgence is instoppable. Unstoppable? Shucks, who the hell cares?

(Second half. Bears switch to Cover 2, move safety up to stop slant route underneath. Pressure comes, Favre rolls right, panics, throws ball straight to Brian Urlacher. Pass intercepted)

Madden: Well, Brett made that pass because he loves the game. He loves it so much that he made something out of nothing. Sometimes you have to gamble....and get picked off by a linebacker four yards away. Man, look at the love of the game.

Oh dad gummit. Why the hell did they do that? What's that safety doin there? Shit. Well now what the hell do we do. S'pose I'll ask Coach McCarthy.

Coach McCarthy: Brett, they took away the underneath passes. We're fucked. That's all we've run now for the year and a half I've been here. Hell, it's all I ran in San Fransisco. Just, christ, just uh, run the ball every down from now on. How and when we do pass, just, just keep trying to throw the slant. I mean, they took it away, but, well hell. What do we do now Brett?

Dangit coach, I dunno. Golly I shoulda retired.

Coach McCarthy: Just get back out there and hand the ball off. God we're fucked.

(Run, Run, Run, Punt)

Dangit.

(Next possession: Run, Run, Incomplete Slant, Punt)

Dangit.

(Bears score to go up 27-20)

Dangit

(Next Green Bay possession. Bears play off the corners to prevent deep pass)

WAIT A MINUTE! YES! I GOT THE SLANT BACK!

(Slant pass to Driver. 8 yard gain. Slant pass to Donald Lee. 8 yard gain. Slant pass to Donald Lee. 8 yard gain. Incomplete slant. Slant pass to James Jones. 8 yard gain. Dump off pass to Vernand Morency. 9 yard gain. Incomplete Slant.)

Coach McCarthy: Brett, we're gonna have to throw it deep. We've got one last play. God, we're fucked.

Dang it. No, wait. I'm Brett dog gone Favre. I'm the gunslinger. I used to live for this. I can make this pass. Screw them dang slants. I am the warrior!

John Madden: And this is what Brett Favre lives for. He's the gunslinger. This is his time to make a play.

All up to you now, Brett. Be the hero!

(Favre winds up. Chucks the ball long into the end zone. Intercepted.)

Dangit.





The Bears, and what must be done.

Before I start, yes, I am aware we won last night. But we still sucked on several levels. Honestly, a lot needs to be done here. The following is a list of players who will be left out of this rant:

Brian Urlacher
Charles Tillman
Mark Anderson
Tommie Harris
Brandon McGowan
Ricky Manning Jr.
Mark Bradley
Devin Hester
Greg Olsen
Desmond Clark
Jerry Angelo
Brendan Ayanbadejo (There is not a better special teamer in the NFL)
Vince Young

The rest of you? Listen up, assholes.

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First, what the fuck, Griese? Yeah you had a "good" game last night. At least that's what ESPN says. Don't listen to 'em. Every time we had a third down and eight (which was a whole fuckin lot) you threw a three yard out route. Thanks, Brian, that's exactly what we needed. The one situation in which Ron Turner gave you a play with receivers downfield, and you throw it to the one three yards away. And don't tell me they weren't open. We put Bradley, Hester, and Olsen in the game from the second quarter on and every third down they were open, asshole.

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That brings me to Ron Turner. run, run, run, punt, run, screen, 3 yard out, run, run, packer penalty, run, run, play action. If I wanted John Shoop I'd have... aw fuck it, Ron, what the hell?! If you put Hester, Bradley, and Olsen in the game, USE THEM. Don't build your whole fuckin offense around your WORST PLAYER. which brings me to...

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So yeah, Cedric Benson can't A) Run the ball, B) Block, or C) Catch. So basically he's absolutely fucking worthless. His name shall not be uttered again. From now on he shall only be called Curtis Enis: The 2econd Coming. Let's not waste breath on him and instead waste it on...

Muhsin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian. Thank god you two were benched because neither of you seems to remember how to play the damn game. Muhsin is way too damn old and he's slow as shit. Berrian couldn't catch a goddamn cold if he was in a room, naked, and if the room was filled with twenty sick badgers. Hell, they might get better chances, though, if the goddamned...

Offensive line blocked ANYBODY. Well, they do show up about half the time, which is why I know Griese, Berrian, Benson, and Ron Turner are all worthless. The other half it's almost like they don't fuckin exist. They must like the most classic of all Bear's plays, the dropbackandgetsacked, because they sure call it a lot.

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Oh, and how about you, Danieal Manning? You lost your safety job because McGowan kicks your ass, and you're at most the fifth best corner on the team and that is REALLY pushing it. Thank you for getting burned within ONE SECOND of the snap against Greg Jennings. He's not that fast, asshole.

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And let's wrap this up by blaming Lovie Smith for everything. You started Griese, you let Ron Turner call those damned plays, you start Muhsin and Berrian, you let the line play like shit, and YOU refuse to stop playing that damn cover two when it's obvious EVERYONE KNOWS that all you have to do to beat it is to throw quick slants and five yard in routes.

So that's who I'm blaming, that's who IS to blame, and that's who shouldn't be here next year. So what would I do to fix it, you ask? Well here you go, the Bears starting lineup as it should look in 2008:

QB: Kyle Orton, backup: Colt Brennan
RB: Steve Slaton/Rashard Mendenhall
FB: Jason McKie
WR1: Mark Bradley
WR2: Rashied Davis
WR3: Devin Hester
TE: Greg Olsen
O-Line: DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT

DE1: Mark Anderson
DE2: Adewale Ogunleye
DT1: Tommie Harris
DT2: Darwin Walker
ROLB: Jamar Williams
MLB: Who do you think?
LOLB: Brendan Ayanbadejo
CB1: Charles Tillman
CB2: Ricky Manning Jr.
FS: Brandon McGowan
SS: Adam Archuletta

Offensive Coordinator: Mike Leach

You'll notice, Bears fans, that everything but the running back position can be remedied nowish. So... get to that, assholes.

Iggins! Power Rankings, NFL, post-week 5

A few college opinions before we begin here...

-Iowa sucks. Actually, that's not entirely true. Their coach, quarterback, and secondary are the worst in the league NAY, the NCAA. The defense, line, rbs, and DJK are good. But seriously, we're going 2-10.

-Cincinnati will win the Big East, this is the truth. But USF is still a decent team, maybe (certainly) not the number 5 team, but still good.

-The SEC champion will have at least one conference loss and possibly two. Kentucky WILL beat LSU this weekend, that is undeniable truth, my friends. Taste it. It is delicous.

-Also, Illinois is the best team in the Big Ten. Really, they have no competition. And I'm going to be at the Illinois at Iowa game this Saturday. Christ save me.

-On to the NFL...

Power Rankings, week 5:

No movement here, much like their offenses:
32) Miami Dolphins
31) St. Louis Rams (ARGH! I'M GON BANG MY HEAD INTO A WALL!! OUCH!!!)
30) New Orleans Saints (Catch a pass? Why the fuck would we do that?)

Really, genuinely awful, but at least they got ONE win:
29) Atlanta Falcons
28) New York Jets
27) Kansas City Chiefs
26) Buffalo Bills
25) Minnesota Vikings

FUCK Cinicinnati:
24) Cincinnati Bengals (Cincinnati is the most racist town in America. Chad Johnson has never done anything but blame himself for his team's losses, which he did last week, yet now he's a "cancer"? Ocho Cinco has never hurt his team, not once, but apparently he's a cancer because he's 1) Black 2) A wide receiver who talks and 3) Yelling at his invalid quarterback. Fuck Cincinnati (the town))

Overrated! clap clap clapclapclap:
23) Denver Broncos
22) San Francisco 49ers
21) Philadelphia Eagles
20) Baltimore Ravens

Mediocrity is still just as tasty:
19) Cleveland Browns (Can't drop em too far, it was the Pats)
18) Carolina Panthers (And now they get Carr for the rest of the year? They're on the way down...)
17) Detroit Lions (And God said BACK TO EARTH WITH YE, and so they went)

This is so strange it's hard to type...
16) Oakland Raiders (all alone at the top of the West!)
15) Arizona Cardinals
14) Houston Texans

On the upswing (order is restored?)
13) Chicago Bears (much more on this later)
12) San Diego Chargers

Steadily getting better:
11) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
10) Jacksonville Jaguars
9) Washington Redskins
8) New York Giants

These guys will drop further next week...
7) Seattle Seahawks
6) Green Bay Packers

Damn fine:
5) Pittsburgh Steelers
4) Tennessee Titans (Yes he threw 3 picks. But he won. He's a winner and so are the Titans.)

Still unbeaten:
3) Indianapolis Colts
2) Dallas Cowboys

Still Satan:
1) New England Patriots

College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings 10/07/07

Results of Top 25 Games..
LSU 28, Florida 24
LSU beats Florida in a game that was closer than I thought it would be. Florida now has two conferences losses, making the remainder of its schedule all must wins in order to give them a shot at making it back to the SEC title game for what would most likely be a rematch against LSU. Can Florida do it? Will the Gators find a pass defense? Can I actually give in depth analysis of Florida beyond simply chanting TEBOW? The answer to all three questions is probably no.

Stanford 24, USC 23
Oh fucking come on. But really, I mean seriously. Stanford? Jim Harbaugh, you are a God. I'm sorry that my first ever use of the word shit was as a 5 year old Bears fan describing your play.

Ohio State 23, Purdue 7
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What's that? Purdue is capable of only beating enough bad-to-mediocre teams to become second-tier bowl eligible? Ohio State wins in an efficient and boring manner? SHOCKING!

South Florida 35, Florida Atlantic 23
I'm still not down with this whole South Florida in the top ten thing. I don't suppose a win over Florida Atlantic counts for all that much, but sadly enough they clearly have become the class of the Big East. So, kudos.

Boston College 55, Bowling Green 24
I am wary of Boston College as well, but that may simply be a result of the general malaise caused by discussing anything related to ACC football, which continues to prove week in and week out, its just not worth a damn. It may also be that I sometimes find myself thinking that they're still coached by Tom O'Brien. But a few more victories like this and a few less showings like a sluggish 24-14 performance against Massachussetts, and I'll begin to show lukewarm enthusiasm towards this team's potential.

South Carolina 38, Kentucky 23
At this point we of Start Kyle Orton find ourselves confused about our feelings regarding this game. On the one hand, we love Steve Spurrier like he's that bastard father that never paid child support and really was rarely there for us except for a few flashy memories from our early years, but that we always hope will one day embrace us, on the other hand, this clearly dents our cause of Andre Woodson for Heisman. So we'll just label this a push.

Oklahoma 28, Texas 21
Anyone still really believe Colt McCoy is college football's next great quarterback? This game was a must-win for both teams, really, and Oklahoma came out on top, spearheading their charge toward a Big 12 South title that will have no effect on the national title race. Woo.

Tennessee 35, Georgia 14
Tennessee continues to show the maddening inconsistency of the last several years of the Fulmer era by coming out of nowhere to lay a pounding on a Georgia team, that, admittedly seemed a bit overrated. But, wow, look at the depth of the SEC! It's so shiny!

West Virginia 55, Syracause 14
West Virginia ANGRY! WEST VIRGINIA GRR!!!! WEST VIRGINIA WANT REMATCH SOUTH FLORIDA!!!

Virginia Tech 41, Clemson 22
Clemson, the Michigan State of the ACC, loses its second consecutive game, getting the ball rolling on their yearly second half decline and apperance in the Emerald Meineke MPC Hawaii Bowl.

Hawaii 52, Utah St. 37
Colt Brennan's already flagging Heisman campaign has most likely sunk into the depths of the Pacific with his second straight game of subpar numbers sandwiched around a missed start due to injury. Iggins! fully intends to console him with shirtless hugs deep into the night during the Heisman ceremony later in the year.

Missouri 41, Nebraska 6
Missouri might be a good team. Nebraska is not. Suck it, Bill Callahan.

Arizona State 23, Washington State 20
I'm getting tired of recapping games I clearly did not watch. I mean, I saw this game on Comcast, and I was like, oh, mid-tier Pac 10 football! Then I made a sandwich and watched a rerun of Chappelle's show that I've probably seen 14 times.

Cinncinnati 28, Rutgers 23
The million dollar question: would I prefer a Cinncinnati Big East Championship over a South Florida one? Yeah, probably. Because, well, before the season and throughout it I've adamantly declared South Florida overrrated. I've never really said a damn thing about Cinncinnati, so I suppose that would make me look less like a fool.

Kansas 30, Kansas State 24
The Mangino is pleased. For the second straight year Kansas State follows an upset win over Texas with a deflating loss to instate rival Kansas. Kansas is now 5-0 with four cupcake wins and this mildly impressive one. Stay tuned.

And....

ILLINOIS 31, Wisconsin 26
ILL INI! ILL INI! Illinois proves that like its intrepid coach its clearly been drinking its Powerthirst by upsetting #5 Wisconsin in Champaign. Some will argue that win isn't that impressive, as Wisconsin should not have been ranked as high as 5 to begin with. I argue that IT'S ENERGY FOR MEN! MENERGY!



Big Ten Unranked

Northwestern 48, Michigan State 41
Is anyone at all surprised that Michigan State followed its first loss of the year with another loss to a vastly inferior opponent? You, in the back? Yes, you. You say you were surprised? Well, you, my friend deserved to be raped.

Indiana 40, Minnesota 20
Indiana makes the surprising move to 5-1, with their only loss being to Team Power Thirst, surprising many, Minnesota continues to suck, surprising none.

Michigan 33, Eastern Michigan 22
An unimpressive win by Michigan over a mediocre MAC team. Michigan prolongs for another week my irrational fear of their possible Big Ten title run.

Penn State 27, OH LOOK! ANOTHER BOOTLEG 7
No comment. Iggins! has had enough for now

Code Red Rankings

1. LSU
2. Cal
3. Ohio State
4. Boston College*
5. South Florida*
6. South Carolina
7. West Virginia
8. Oklahoma
9. Oregon
10. Missouri (ranked here to satisfy Iggins! "but they beat Illinois!" bitching)
11. Florida
12. USC HAHAHA HAHAHA
13. Kentucky
14. Illinois
15. Virginia Tech
16. Cinncinnati
17. Hawaii
18. Arizona State
19. Kansas
20. Wisconsin
21. Auburn
22. Indiana
23. Texas
24. Tennessee
25. Florida State

*-Denotes my refusal to rank teams with loss over unbeaten teams from "big" conferences. I really am not convinced South Florida or BC are top ten teams.