Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Hater's Guide to Jay Cutler's Offseason

If there's one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that the Jay Cutler detractors aren't a very bright bunch. Instead of railing against them as I normally do, however, today I'm going to lend them a hand. Let's review Jay's offseason and tell them exactly How to frame their arguments against him, that way they have to think even less than usual.

January 23rd: Cutler has the gall to take the stairs at a restaurant the very same night after exiting the game.

Hater's Response: Nevermind that we saw him walking at the stadium or that he even went into the game and attempted to play a series on the bad knee, I FORGET THAT EVIDENCE IN LIEU OF THE FACT THAT ANYBODY WHO HAS SUFFERED A KNEE INJURY IS UNABLE TO WALK, DAMMIT. THIS IS THE SMOKING GUN, JAY.

January 27th: Cutler walks around Los Angeles with then-girlfriend (now fiancee) Kristin Cavallari.

Hater's Response: IF HE CAN WALK SLOWLY BEHIND HIS GIRLFRIEND THROUGH THE MEAN STREETS OF LA THEN HE CAN PLAY QUARTERBACK AND AVOID THE LEAGUE'S BEST PASS RUSH BEHIND THE NFL'S WORST OFFENSIVE LINE. THIS IS A FACT.

March 11th: In order to block lockout, NFL players, led by Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady, file an antitrust lawsuit against the league.

Hater's Response: NOTICE THAT JAY CUTLER'S NAME ISN'T LISTED AS A PLAINTIFF. HE DOESN'T LOVE FOOTBALL ENOUGH TO SUE FOR IT TO CONTINUE. OH WELL, MORE TIME HE CAN SPEND JOY-WALKING AROUND HOLLYWOOD WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

April 26th: Jay Cutler proposes to Kristin Cavallari.

Hater's Response: THIS IS WHAT HE'S FOCUSING ON DURING THE OFFSEASON. SURE, JAY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR SLOPPY MECHANICS OR FOOTWORK, JUST KEEP CHASIN' THAT ASS. HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR TONY ROMO AND JESSICA SIMPSON?

April 30th: Bears draft Nathan Enderle, QB from Idaho, in the 5th round.

Hater's Response: EVEN MIKE MARTZ KNOWS THAT CUTLER SUCKS/conveniently ignore that Bears drafted Dan LeFevour in the 6th last year.

May 14th: Caleb Hanie says that Cutler and Bears haven't organized any player workouts, like illustrious QBs like Jason Campbell have done.

Hater's Response: TRUE LEADERS WOULD GET NFL VETERANS TO GATHER FOR INVALUABLE SESSIONS OF 7 ON 7!

May 16th: Cutler tells Sean Jensen of the Sun Times that Bears were "locked and loaded" and offensive players would work out "soon," but wouldn't say when or where.

Hater's Response: WHY WON'T HE SAY WHEN OR WHERE? COULD IT BE MORE OBVIOUS THAT JAY JUST TOLD EVERYONE "LET'S NOT AND SAY WE DID?" ALSO, WHY JUST INVITE THE OFFENSE, JAY? WHY IS CUTLER TRYING TO DIVIDE THE LOCKER ROOM BETWEEN OFFENSE AND DEFENSE? THIS IS WHY BOBBY WADE SAID THAT URLACHER SAID THAT HE THOUGHT THAT JAY WAS A PUSSY IN THAT STRIP CLUB IN VEGAS THAT ONE TIME MAYBE.

That should bring us up to date. I can't help but notice that this lockout is still going on. I'm not saying Jay Cutler is responsible BUT IT SURE WOULD MAKE SENSE NOW, WOULDN'T IT?

Actually, if you need any more reasons why you should totally hate Jay Cutler, just watch this guy:


I mean, he's clearly got it. Who wouldn't want to be on his side of this debate?