Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Brian Griese: Sunday, 3:30 ct
(First Bears drive of the game goes run, run, 3 yard out route on 3rd and 6, punt)
Griese: "Me no happy... me remember... me remember time when me were good..."
Disembodied Voice: "Brian? Brian!"
Disembodied Voice: "Brian, I've finally found them. I can't believe that asshole Shanahan... honestly, he's a dick..."
Griese: "Where voice come from?"
Disembodied Voice: "Oh, God. You've deteriorated so badly you don't even recognize that my voice is coming from inside your helmet. Brian, it's me. RON TURNER!!"
Brian: "Ron Turner?"
Ron: "Thank God. Yes, it's me, Ron. Brian, I've sent a runner down to the sideline. He will have two items that were stolen from you on your departure from Denver. Items you forgot even existed. I believe you will find them to your liking."
Brian: "Gift for Brian?"
Ron: "Yes. And a gift to Chicago as well, Brian. A gift to us all."
(The Riders of Rohan pour out from the Lincoln Financial Field tunnel and race for Brian Griese. The horsemen surround Brian Griese. One of the soldiers, carrying a large satchel, dismounts and addresses Brian.)
Rider: "Good sir, we fought many a hard battle for these two items. The forces of Shana-han combined with the terror of Brett Favre's undead army... many good men were lost. All for these. Please; use them. Regain what you once had. Take your place."
The rider opens the satchel to reveal:
Rider: "... your testicles. The fiery red testicle of Lok'Grammir that holds the power to throw the ball over twenty yards accurately, and with passion. And the blue testicle of Rik'Thall that allows for intelligent gun-slinging. A deadly pair once held by Brett Favre, but now in your possession good sir."
Griese: "My... my balls..."
Rider: " Ah you remember! But the best is here. The final item we recovered..."
Rider: "Yes. This brain was stolen from you by the sodomites and Mike Shanahan long ago. This will allow you to hear Ron Turner's suggestions and to read defenses like a true quarterback."
(Rider places brain and testicles back into Brian Griese. A Holy light engulfs Lincoln Financial Field. The light abates...)
Brian: "I... I remember... I remember everything! I am a good quarterback! I be good!... oh shit!"
Ron Turner: "It may take a while for them to work to their full capacity, Brian... Oh shit! We're back on offense! Get out there!"
Brian: "Yes, sir!"
(Brian Griese leads the Bears on several stellar drives but fails to capitalize. The Bears go into the half down 9-3. In the locker-room at the half:)
Ron: "Brian, your... ahem... 'items' are working at approximately 60% capacity. Can you win this game?"
Brian: " I can. And I will."
(Back on the field, fourth quarter. The Bears have added three more field goals on stellar Bear drives.)
Griese: " It's working... but not enough. I'm not there yet. God I hope McNabb doesn't-
(Donovan McNabb scores a TD)
Griese: "Awww fuck."
(1:52 to go in the fourth quarter. Ball on the Bears 3 yard line. Brian Griese sees his Bears seem doubtful. Griese walks to the huddle)
Griese: "Guys, we can do this. I'm back. My balls and my brain are back. We ca-
(Griese's headset goes out)
Griese: "Oh Christ."
(Brian calls a play and walks to the line of scrimmage. Just before the ball is snapped...)
Disembodied voice: "Brian?"
Disembodied voice: "No, my son. It is I, the son of man."
(Jesus the Christ descends in all his glory. Brian realizes that time has stopped.)
Jesus F'in Christ: "Brian, I see you're in a bit of trouble here."
Brian: "Yeah... I got my balls and my brain back but these goddamn- oh sorry-
Jesus: "Don't worry, happens all the time."
Brian " These goshdarned things won't work completely until the game is over..."
Jesus: "Well, I think we can fix that-"
(Christ Jesus grabs Brian Griese's package and squeezes. The most beautiful light in existence spills forth. When Brian comes to he is under center on the 3 yard line with 1:52 to play against the Philadelphia Eagles)
Brian: "My... my balls are working at full capacity!... I find Ayn Rand's works to be compelling and thought-provoking! I'm conservative again! It appears as though my brain is working again, too!"
(Brian takes the snap and engineers a 97 yard drive with no helmet communication capped by a TD to Muhsin Muhammad. Brian is running towards Muhsin to celebrate the TD. As he does he looks into the sky...)
Jesus: "Use them well my son."
( Brian winks at the sky as he is mobbed by teammates)