TIME TO PANIC?! A Step By Step Guide to Appropriate Panicking About the Bears

In lieu of my traditional Good, Bad, Ugly breakdown of the third preseason game (in short: GOOD- Offense moved ball, Defensive line did stuff. BAD-everything else. UGLY- Kelvin Hayden), I've gauged the reaction of many Bears fans and surrounding media following the event and decided things need a bit of tweaking. So I'm here to help you all understand just what the appropriate level of panic is on the following Bears:

Jay Cutler: He was sacked twice, the first two times he's gone down all preseason. He was also picked for the first time after Garza snapped the ball early and Jay did a Jay thing trying to get rid of the ball in a hurry. Otherwise though he moved the ball pretty well, had a touchdown nullified by a ticky-tack penalty and another dropped, and averaged almost 8 YPA against the best secondary in the NFL. He finishes his preseason completing 66% with a passer rating just a notch below 100. He's fine. PANIC LEVEL: you know when you wake up at like 1 AM, and you think OH SHIT WHAT TIME IS IT DID I MISS WORK and then you realize it's 1 AM and you have like six more hours of glorious sleep left? That.

I Suppose it Was Inevitable

There was never a chance we were going to make it through an entire season without this happening. There's just too much butthurt over grumpy interviews and short responses and unreasonable expectations for a Sun-Times reporter not to write at least one article comparing Johnny Manziel and Jay Cutler.

But I thought we'd make it farther than this. I thought we'd make it past literally Johnny's first appearance.

And of course it had to be Telander. He just can't figure out how to be nice to Jay. He tries so hard, but he only manages to sound condescending and bitter. Which, in a way, describes Rick Telander perfectly. So I guess we shouldn't be surprised.

And so the 2014 Fisking Season begins, as I lovingly open the box that contains my italics.