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Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Predictions II

Code Red: Hello again, folks. As you might remember from last week we introduced a new weekly event here on Start Kyle Orton, where Iggins!, myself, and a celebrity guest choose one NFL team guaranteed to win, one NFL team guaranteed to lose, one NFL player guaranteed to be a fantasy football stud, and the winner of the week's biggest college matchup,this week's being Missouri-Oklahoma . Our celebrity guest, and this one is a real treat as he is a personal hero of mine, is news giant and standard bearer for traditional American values, Bill O'Reilly. Papa Bear, thank you for joining us.

Bill O'Reilly: Happy to be here, Mr. Red. Which, I've been meaning to ask you and I think America wants to know the truth, why that particular nickname?

Code Red: Well it's an allusion to a comment made by Atlanta Falcons cornerback Deangelo Hall..

Bill O'Reilly: Or an overt declaration of your communist sentiments. Now I think all America asks is that in the interests of objectivity, you state your political leanings, rather than pass your leftist drivel off as "news", much like CNN or MSNBC, who, if I may point out, are once again being thumped by Fox News in the ratings. I think America has decided on that one.

Code Red: No, no, I loathe communism, I watch your show daily, Mr. O'Reilly.

Bill O'Reilly: As many Americans do. Might I point out that the Factor is the highest rated show on all of cable news?

Code Red: Well yes, but we really need to move on to the topic of this post..

Bill O'Reilly: Just like all the others of your kind, when confronted with the facts you run away from the issue!

Code Red: I...I just, Iggins!?

Iggins!:, I like where this is going. Bill, call him a communist again.

Code Red: Dude, that's cold. Umm, anywho, my NFL team guaranteed to win this week is the Cincinnati Bengals, who I think will come out with vengeance to shake off three straight bad performances to defeat the Kansas City Chiefs. My NFL team guaranteed to lose is the Jets against the Eagles. My fantasy football Pimp of the week...

Bill O'Reilly: You're praising a pimp? What kind of degradation do you stand for?

Code Red: Well he's not really a pimp, its just a matter of expression standing for someone who performs well..

Bill O'Reilly: You label someone as a pimp as a compliment? Do you realize what this progressive slang of yours does to damage the fabric of America?

Code Red: I...I...Papa Bear... I...

Iggins!: This moment is so delicious, I want to wrap it in foil and stick it in my fridge so I can pinch off tiny bits of it to cheer me up whenever I'm feeling down.

Code Red: My..umm.. MVP of the week is Willis McGahee of the Ravens agains the Rams defense. And I'm going to take Oklahoma over Missouri 28-17. Iggins!?

Iggins!: My team guaranteed to win is da Bears over the Minnesota Vikings. My team guaranteed to lose is Green Bay against the Redskins, because the ball is rolling on the Packers descent begins in earnest this week. My fantasy football player of merit..

Bill O'Reilly: See how respectfully he termed that?

Code Red: What, no, no! He hardly ever even watches the Factor! He listens to rap music! His entire vocabulary is ripped from ebonics!

Bill O'Reilly: Flattery will get you no where, sir, what we have here is a Fine American.

Iggins!: Oh, my God, the taste, its so sweet.. but said player once again is Randy Moss. Me, I take Oklahoma over Missouri, 28-23. Mr. O'Reilly, sir?

Bill O'Reilly: Why thank you, young man. It's young men like you that give me hope for the future.

Code Red: He once threatened to shit on the Pope's grave! You're an Irish Catholic! He's a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING!

Bill O'Reilly: Are you defaming the church? Despicable. Utterly despicable. I'm going to guarantee Cardinals will beat Carolina, I'm going to guarantee an Oakland loss to San Diego, and my top player of the week will be Carson Palmer.

Code Red: And the winner of the college game, sir?

Bill O'Reilly: I'm taking Notre Dame.

Code Red: But we're picking the Missouri-Oklahoma winner...

Bill O'Reilly: I grew up in a traditional American home of Irish ancestry. I watch Notre Dame, son, because thats true American football.

Iggins!: Yeah, Code Red, show some respect for an American institution.

Code Red: You hate Notre Dame! You once said God created vampires for the express purpose of killing Catholics!

Iggins!: This is just low of you to slander my character.

Bill O'Reilly: We've shown you the truth about this young man, America. The spin stopped here.

Code Red: Oh I give up.

Lil Wayne picks College Football

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Aight hoz, dis is some shit I can pick. All dat baseball be pissin me off, time fuh a real sport: football. Today I'll getcha some college picks an tomorrow we got some NFL shit fuh ya ass.

Iowa Hawkeyes @ (18)Illinois Fighting Illini, 11:00ct, ESPN2
Shit why dey got me pickin dis shit? They aint e'en gon pick dis on college gameday. Illinois be better at pretty much everything. I feel bad fuh dat Iggins! mufucka havin to go watch dis shit. Po muthafucka. Ah well.
Illinois by 25

Georgia Tech @ Miami FL, 11:00ct, ESPN
Look, ima tell y'all wat I said bout FSU yesterday (by da way i wun dat game, bitchez). Stop ranking deez bitchez! FSU and Miami bof suck, at least Miami ain't ranked. Chan Gailey might put ma ass ta sleep but no doubt GTech wins dis one.
Georgia Tech by 17

(19)Wisconsin @ Penn State, 2:30ct, ABC

Yo the Big Ten is borin n shit, man. Bein from Louisiana I guess I be used to bein good on offense AND defense, nawmsayin? Anyways bof of deez teams are overrated but I think Penn State'll find a way ta win here, y'know, zombies and the white out shit bein on they side.
Penn State by 3

(1)LSU @ (17)Kentucky, 2:30ct, CBS

Upset of da day, bitchez. Sportscenter been talkin like LSU already undefeated an that aint bode well fuh my hometown team. Andre Woodson gon pass all ova deez hoes, but t'll be CLOSER than the experts think. (Shout out to ma boy Lee Corso)
Kentucky by 6

(11)Missouri @ (6)Oklahoma, 5:30ct

What da hell iz dis? Shit aint bein broadcast? Dumb fucks. Anyway, dis is a hard one fuh me. Mizzou been lookin good, Chase Daniels been throwin n runnin all ova hiz enemies. But I don think Oklahoma gon be caught nappin like dey waz in Boulder. Oklahoma gon take dis one.
Oklahoma by 13

Louisville @ (15)Cincinnati, 6:00ct, ESPNU

Louisville kinda sucks, aint they? Brian Brohm can pass pretty good but shit, he aint got no defense. Dey gave up 38 to 'cuse man. Cincinnati kicks way mo azz den y'all think, so dis matchup is prolly gon end in pain n suffrin fo da Cardinals.
Cincinnati by 24

(22)Auburn @ Arkansas, 6:45, ESPN

Yo, I can't believe ma eyez! Auburn be ranked again! Shit, deez mufuckin poll givin mufuckas need a be put in check. Unfortunately dey be playin a team who sucks equally, da only difference bein Darren McFadden and Houston Nutt vs. a great Auburn defense. I'm predictin a game that stays in da teens, Arkansas comes out on top cuz dey be at home.
Arkansas by 2

Colorado @ Kansas State, 8:15, ESPN2
And ta wrap dis shit up we pick da late late why da fuck dis be so late game. Dan Hawkins be leadin his Buffs into battle like dey be Spartans or some shit-ed. (Madness? THIS...IS...DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!! Go play intramurals, brother)-but I don tink dey be able to beat K-State afta dey lost to Kansas an had ta watch dat crazy video on youtube wit da jayhawk bendin ova da wildcat. Dat shit is FUCKED UP man.
Kansas State by 10

Weezy's MLB Series Record: 2-2
Weezy's NCAA Football Record: 1-0
Weezy's NFL Record: N/A

Illinois vs. Iowa, the Iggins! chronicles.

Instead of battling random ass statistics I'll break down the real statistics and position battles about to unfold on Saturday. But first, allow me to retort...

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Well allow me to retort!

Zook beats Ferentz? Really? Is there one person on the planet who actually believes that?

-I agree, Herky scares the shit out of me, and perhaps getting rid of the Chief was wrong but, honestly, Illini Fans, SHUT THE FUCK UP. We do not care, not a goddamn one of us. Us being the WORLD, ASSHOLES. Also that picture looks like the chief at a football game. Wanna guess how many Illini fans knew the Chief went to football games?

In any case, here we go:

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QBs: Isiah "Juice" Williams vs. Jake "Dumbass" Christensen

You'd think this category would be slightly more even than it is, what with Juice's giving mentality (especially giving to the opposition), but it really isn't. Jake Christensen is a goddamned retard. If the play call is anything but a screen of some kind he WILL NOT throw the ball, he'll wait six seconds then run or get sacked. At least Juice has some balls. Christensen's a bigger pussy than Lil Kim's.
Advantage: Illini

RBs: Albert Young/Damian Sims vs. Rashard Mendenhall

This is a bit more even. The combination of Albert Young and Damian Sims is very dangerous, Albert running through you and Sims running around you. But for two reasons, Illinois wins this matchup. One, Iowa has no pass game what with our quarterback sucking total dick, so the Illini (unless Zook coaches like Zook) should stack the line and blitz, blitz, run stop. Number two, Rashard Mendenhall is the most impressive physical specimen I've seen in a long time. He has GIGANTIC muscles and incredible speed. He's the total package. He will be contained to some extent due to a very good Iowa run defense but he'll still have a better game than Young/Sims.
Advantage: Illini

WRs: DJK vs. Arrelious Benn

Since the rest of both these receiving platoons are either injured or suck, we'll just compare Darrell-Johnson Koulianis to Arrelious (I refuse to call him rejus) Benn. Okay, obviously Benn is better than DJK, but DJK has shown some true ability, the problem is his quarterback can't get him the damn ball because he's a pussy. Benn is more of a runner in Zook's offense for some reason, but hey, so is Percy Harvin. Benn wins.
Advantage: Illini

OL: Iowa vs. Illinois
Look, we all know Iowa's line is great, and somehow they've managed to give Christensen six to seven whole seconds in the pocket all year under tremendous rushes. If Christensen would throw the damn ball they'd get more respect. The Illini's line is good, but hey, we're Iowa. We do the O-Line thing well.
Advantage: Hawkeyes

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D-Line: Iowa vs. Illinois
Actually, from what I've seen (I've watched a lot of Illinois football this year) Illinois' line is actually decent, which surprised me, considering how bad their D normally is. I thought J Leman was their only good player. But their line doesn't compare to Iowa's. Three future top 3 round draft picks: Kenny Iwebema, Bryan Mattison, and Mitch King plus one possible draftee: Matt Kroul absolutely tear through people, stopping the run game and harassing the quarterback. They'll give Juice trouble and flush him out of the pocket a lot, but don't expect Juice to go down, Iowa has problems with fast QBs (Iowa State).
Advantage: Hawkeyes

Linebackers: Iowa vs. Illinois
Really this comes down to Mike Klinkenborg and Humpal vs. J Leman. J Leman is the best LB in the country, but Iowa might have the best LB lineup in the Big Ten. This is tough but I think the combined ability of Klinky and Humpal equal the massive talent that is J Leman.

Secondary: Iowa vs. Illinois

This is the easiest one on this list. Iowa's secondary can't stop anything, hell we let Anthony Morelli pass all over us. The only time we stop the other team's passing game is when our line disrupts the QB. Illinois has Vontae Davis. 'nuff said.
Advantage: Vontae Davis

Special Teams: ________ vs. Illinois
Honestly, I don't want to talk about how our kickers can't make anything, how we haven't gotten a touchback all year, and how our punter kicks it long when we need it short and kicks it short when we need it long. At least DJK returns the ball well.
Advantage: Whoever plays us

So, to summarize Illinois goes 5-2-1 in this little battle and demonstrates exactly why they're going to mop the damn floor with us on Saturday. Our defense will do all it can, but when your offense goes 3 and out every drive it's hard to hold anybody under twenty points.
Final Score: Illinois-45 Iowa-13

Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics Part II

After the first two rounds, we have Illinois and Iowa tied 1-1, so here are the final three rounds to determine who truly deserves our praise as a football team.

Round 3: Head Coaches
I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.

Illinois- Ron Zook

Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.

Head Coaching Record: UF- 23-15. Illinois- 9-20 Overall: 32-35, 47% Winning Percentage. Bowl Games: 0-3

Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing ( up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.

Seriously, I don't want to know.

Iowa- Kirk Ferentz

Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.

Head Coaching Record: Maine-12-21, Iowa 57-45, Career:69-66. 51 % Winning Percentage. Bowls: 3-3.

Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.

Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois

Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.

Illinois- Kurt Kittner 1998-2001

College Statistics: 43 games, 682 comp./1264 attempts. 8,722 yds. 70 touchdowns, 34 interceptions.

Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.

Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).

Iowa- Brad Banks 2001-2002

College Statistics: Passing- 23 games, 213 comp./362 attempts. 3,155 yds. 30 tds, 7 interceptions. Rushing- 122 attempts, 574 yards. 4.7 yards per rush. 7 tds.

Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."

Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.

Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa

Round 5: Mascot

Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).

Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.

Iowa: Herky the Hawk

Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.

Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois

Game, Set, and Match