Thursday, October 8, 2009

Week 5 NFL Picks

Onto the NFL Picks (also, God damn do I hate the bye week, oh well, at least I have the debut of UFL football tonight):

(0-4) Cleveland @ (1-3) Buffalo

Code Red: Buffalo. And please god throw TO the ball. My fantasy team NEEDS THIS.

Iggins!: Cleveland showed signs of a pulse last week, and the Bills are in meltdown mode, but I still can’t bring myself to pick Cleveland. Buffalo wins.

(2-2) Dallas @ (0-4) Kansas City

Iggins!: I’m way ahead of Red so far so I can go with my gut and pick the Chiefs here, which will result in the explosion of Jerry Jones like Ted on Heroes. Kansas City wins.

Code Red: Your gut has let you down sir. I suggest you punish it by eating a 1,000 Baconators. Dallas wins.

(4-0) Minnesota @ (0-4) St. Louis

Code Red: Yeah, St. Louis doesn’t stand a chance. Minnesota.

Iggins!: God I hate Minnesota, but there is no way they lose this game. Minnesota wins.

(1-3) Oakland @ (4-0) NY Giants

Iggins!: The Raiders are a disaster, and the fact that they won a game shocks and appalls me. NY Giants win.

Code Red: I actually spent most of my afternoon arguing whether JaMarcus Russell has a shot at supplanting Ryan Leaf as the greatest QB bust of all time. What does that tell you? Giants win.

(0-4) Tampa Bay @ (2-1) Philadelphia

Code Red: Eagles. Holy shit Tampa is awful. I used to think Jon Gruden was a terrible coach, but now I must commend him for getting 9 wins out of this franchise last year. Then I take away that commendation for the fellatio he performed on Favre during MNF. “OMG, Did I show you guys my Brett Favre practice footage from 1992?? I KNEW HIM WHEN!” Eagles Win.

Iggins!: That’s enough words spent on Tampa for the year. Eagles win.

(2-2) Pittsburgh @ (1-3) Detroit
Iggins!: The Lions look better than the bottom tier of the NFL. But not by THAT much. Pittsburgh wins.

Code Red: Someday the Lions will be good. Not this week, though. Pittsburgh wins.

(2-2) Washington @ (0-3) Carolina

Code Red: Carolina will win, because Williams and Stewart will rush against a weak Washington run defense, but Campbell will throw for plenty of yards, because all three of those events will benefit my fantasy team. Carolina.

Iggins!: I don’t think they’ll win for quite those reasons, but Washington is way worse than 2-2. Carolina wins.

(3-1) Cincinnati @ (3-1) Baltimore

Iggins!: The Bengals are good, but the Ravens defense won’t allow a comeback like they got against Pittsburgh, and it won’t let them dick around like they did against Cleveland. Ravens win.

Code Red: If the Ravens had won in New England, I’d have picked the Bengals for the upset win over the undefeated team. Alas, they did not, and the Ravens will be mad and at home. Ravens win.

(2-1) Atlanta @ (3-1) San Francisco

Code Red: This will be a good game, but Atlanta has the offense necessary to pull this one out. Falcons win, setting up an awesome Sunday Night game between two 3-1 teams when they meet the Bears on October 18th.

Iggins!: I am picking the Falcons to win because if they lose, the Bears won’t be able to beat a very angry and wounded Atlanta team in Atlanta. Falcons win.

(2-2) Jacksonville @ (1-3) Seattle

Iggins!: The most impressive thing about the Jaguars beating Tennessee is they barely ran the ball at all. Maybe they’ve turned a corner. Jacksonville wins.

Code Red: I don’t know that they’ve turned the corner. I think Tennessee just turned the corner from “good team off to a bad start” to “maybe just a bad team.” Still, I think the Seahawks aren’t very good either. Jacksonville wins.

(2-2) Houston @ (1-2) Arizona

Code Red: Oh good, two maddeningly inconsistent teams with high powered offense that can explode at any time. I guess Houston, just because that’s the team I Want to win?

Iggins!: I wish Houston would win, but their defense is terrible and Arizona is at home. Arizona wins.

(3-1) New England @ (4-0) Denver

Iggins!: Crap. Now I have to listen to some ESPN shlock about the master and the student. If Denver wins I have to acknowledge them, and I can’t have that, so New England wins.

Code Red: I’ve already acknowledged the Broncos as being a better team than I expected. But I expected 5-11. 8-8 or 9-7 seems about right. New England will be better than that. New England wins.

(4-0) Indianapolis @ (0-4) Tennessee

Code Red: Well this is easy. Colts win, Vince Young gets to play, and I can get even more evidence to crush Iggins! one time hope that he’d be a great NFL quarterback.

Iggins!: Tennessee really DOES suck. Huh. Colts win.

(3-1) NY Jets @ (1-3) Miami

Iggins!: That was a nice game for the Dolphins last week but it only proved that they’ve become one dimensional with Henne, and the Jets can take that away. NY Jets win.

Code Red: Henne and the university that shat him out both suck. Jets win.