Chicago @ Carolina
Code Red: Sigh. After last week’s disaster I’m struggling to put my optimism in the offense back together. I think the defense will destroy Jimmy Clausen, though, so for this week I think they’re safe. Bears win.
Iggins!: Trade for Logan Mankins. Trade Forte, or picks, or whatever. Just trade for a couple of linemen, Jerry. Bears win.
Code Red: Honestly, Jerry Angelo is to the offensive line as Jim Hendry is to a bullpen. They throw money at the problem until that doesn’t work, then they’ve spent all their money so they rely on young, unproven guys and the result is always the same: suck.
Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati
Iggins!: The Bengals couldn’t possibly lose to the Bucs after losing to the Browns the week before. Bengals win.
Code Red: They could possibly. Oh they could. But for one more week I’ll gamble on Cincy, since they’re at home. Bengals win.
St. Louis @ Detroit
Code Red: When the hell is Matt Stafford coming back? Rams win, because they may somehow wind up winning their division.
Iggins!: Detroit has an awesome habit of staying close in every game they play just long enough to kick their tortured fanbase in the nuts once a week. Rams win.
NY Giants @ Houston
Iggins!: It isn’t like the Giants looked great against the Bears either. Texans win.
Code Red: The Texans did allow a lot of sacks to the Redskins. I’ll pick the Giants here, but only because I need one more win in a game like this before I believe the Texans have bucked their usual trend of shitting the bed.
Denver @ Baltimore
Code Red: I’m sorry, Kyle, but I need you to have a bad game against Baltimore so I can stop hearing twits like Peter King state that you’re better than Jay like all things are equal and you don’t play in a stats-inflating spread offense with actual living, breathing offensive linemen (I know Orton got sacked 6 times last week, but 6 sacks in 56 dropbacks really isn’t that bad compared to 9 sacks in 20 dropbacks). Ravens win.
Iggins!: Brandon Lloyd is a fantasy dynamo. Never thought I would write that. Ravens win.
Atlanta @ Cleveland
Iggins!: Nice win for Cleveland and white guys everywhere last week. Thank you, Peyton Hillis, for breaking the racist stereotype that white guys can’t be RBs. Maybe one day the racial discrimination will stop, and we will all remember Peyton Hillis. His team will still lose, though. Hey, Jackie Robinson didn’t win ‘em all either. Atlanta wins.
Code Red: I fully expect Atlanta win this game when Seneca Wallace (or is Delhomme finally back? That’ll be hilarious) trips on his own teammate in the end zone and gives the Falcons a game-winning safety and then I expect the national media to spend all of their time talking about how the Bears 3 wins (hopefully 4 after Sunday)aren’t legit. Falcons win.
Kansas City @ Indianapolis
Code Red: The streak ends here. Sorry Chiefs. Colts win.
Iggins!: Peyton is gonna be pissed. Colts win.
Jacksonville @ Buffalo
Iggins!: Can’t pick Buffalo. Jacksonville wins.
Code Red: *Vomits on his desk* Oh God. Oh the horror. You know Jacksonville will find some fucking way to lose this game. You just know they will. But I can’t..pick…Buffalo. Jags win. But they won’t. Because they’re dickheads.
Green Bay @ Washington
Code Red: Even after last week’s incredibly underwhelming win over the Eagles, I can still say that Washington isn’t any good. Green Bay wins. Sigh.
Iggins!: The only thing the Redskins can do is pass, and they’re facing a great pass defense. Packers win.
New Orleans @ Arizona
Iggins!: Arizona being at 2-2 is a goddamned travesty. Saints win.
Code Red: MAX HALL! The Cardinals are hoping he can be the best homegrown QB they’ve had since a young Jake Plummer. I expect more of a Josh McCown type effort. Oh, and they’re going to lose by 30. Saints win.
Tennessee @ Dallas
Code Red: In order to prove that some things never change, I’m going to pick the Cowboys will Iggins! is surely going to go with Vince Young. Cowboys win.
Iggins!: Not after last week, sir. Cowboys back with a vengeance. Cowboys win.
Code Red: Sonofabitch.
San Diego @ Oakland
Iggins!: I am so tempted to take Oakland. All San Diego has done this season is disappoint, and Oakland has looked mediocre, which is a vast improvement over last year. But not just yet. I can’t pick the Raiders yet. Chargers win.
Code Red: He makes very good points. But I can’t pick the Raiders ever. It’s like gambling on Les Miles. You can’t predict the beast. Chargers win.
Philadelphia @ San Francisco
Code Red: Well, San Francisco is this year’s “team with a bunch of nationally-televised games that everyone thought would be good that will instead just shit their pants in front of the entire country four-five times.” Last year it was our own beloved Bears, so we’re happy to pass off the torch. Eagles win. Maybe? I think Kolb is starting, so he and Alex Smith will be competing to see who can underthrow more passes to their fullback in the flat.
Iggins!: Vick and Shady are hurt. The Niners will finally get a win. 49ers win.
Minnesota @ NY Jets
Iggins!:Randy Moss is a Viking again… holy shit that’s gonna be weird. I might care if he had a quarterback. Jets win.
Code Red: Agreed. The Moss deal will be amusing solely because I look forward to seeing the media find a way to blame him for Favre’s next interception into triple coverage. Jets win.