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Monday, October 29, 2007

Ultimatums Abound

Dear Lovie Smith,

I tried to do this politely, Coach. I wrote a nice polite letter, started this quaint little website, and have subtly and in a dignified manner argued for you replacing Brian Griese at quarterback with Kyle Orton. But now you've shown yourself to be as slow to the trigger with the untalented wretch that is Griese as you were with the promising tragedy of Rex Grossman. Now I get serious, Mr. Smith. Now I am through asking. I am demanding that you start the Neckbearded One. For every day that you don't, I will kill an imaginary animal. This week?

See this Unicorn, Coach? Graceful, noble, one of the most beloved and respected of all fantasy animals. You don't want the death of this beautiful creature on your hands, do you? Make the call, Coach. Kyle's neckbeard steps onto that field Sunday, or this animal sits impaled on its own horn Monday morning.

Thank You,
Code Red

Guitar Hero 3, my XBox 360, and me

My gamertag is KrunkMuthaFugga. If you want me to beat you playing GH3, drop me a friend request. I play on Hard. Fuck Expert for now. I want to enjoy hard for at least a week or two, cockblocks.

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I do have a picture of me playing guitar hero, but I didn't want my
amazing rockability to scare you away.

Weekend wrap-up and cripples

Well, this last week was pretty up and down as far as my football interests go. Iowa won in double OT keeping our Alamo Bowl hopes alive! (WOOOHOO) But, as my esteemed colleague has already mentioned, Brian Griese reminded us why he sucks.

-Yes, Brian Griese got his balls back. But obviously his brain has regressed to what it was 2 weeks ago. Four INTS and 3 of them in the endzone? I'm sorry, but I thought stupid throws in the red zone were what you avoided when a veteran quarterback entered the game. Guess not. START KYLE ORTON.

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-The Hawkeyes managed to win somehow (Albert Young) but Jake Christensen somehow sucked even worse than he has been, completing a measly 5 passes (3 of which were dump offs. And he missed two dump offs by overthrowing his RB on screens. On screens, damnit!) further strengthening the DUHHHHHHH opinion of kicking that moron to the bench and starting ANYONE but him.

-So the SEC decided to take a huge dump this Saturday, virtually guaranteeing that Ohio State will play Kansas/AZ State/ Oklahoma. The upside of such a bowl is that FINALLY the BCS will be scrapped. Honestly, OSU vs. Kansas? Who wants that?!?! Oh no....

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Here's hoping that LSU can win out... somehow.

- Did anybody else see the commercial in which a man tells his friend that starting Jeff Garcia on his fantasy team made him communist? That is already in my top 5 favorite commercials with Terry Tate and the Merriman/Jackson Nike ad.

-Seriously, the 4 best teams are in the SEC right now (LSU, FLA, Kentucky, Spurrier) with the possible trade of SC for Oregon. Any title game without one of these four teams is a travesty... a sham... a mockery... a traveshamockery.

In homage to the SEC crippling itself this weekend you get plenty of videos of OTHER athletes crippling each-other. Enjoy:

THE MOST VOMIT INDUCING INJURY EVER. Me and Red both saw this live and the first shot you see, the live play, sent us both into one of these, as I recall: "OOHHHHHH!!! OHHHHHHHH!!! OH GOD OH FUCK OH DAMN OH SHIT!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Now this is also horrifying but it makes me smile because I hate Joe Theisman. Honestly, when LT reacts like that... shit is bad.

And now to MMA! One word: Bugggabuggablehhhhhhhhhhhh

Well, he seems to be aware that his arm is... a boomerang now. Notice how he kept punching with that arm. hard-fucking-CORE.

I did not see this live but... well when espnnews has a game break to show you an injury? Yeah it's bad. Shaun Livingston is a good guy. Remember that. Now if you look real close you can see every tendon in his leg tearing (If you didn't know? They did. Every damn one of em).

"But Iggins!" you say, "that isn't an injury!".
A) He injured that poor, defenseless backboard
B) This is the greatest dunk EVAR
C) I'm ready for some hoops! Chitown gettin Kobe and Iowa without Alford? Woo-Hah!!

News is Bad

Look, I know you miss me. Iggins! has filled this place with references to video games and praise of Brian Griese, whereas after last week's drive I had only calm appreciation and steady caution, Iggins! dared suppose that we place the hallowed name of our site under review. Well, I think Brian handed you your review, Bears fans, and it BURNED. This site's name is now more prescient then ever. I just used prescient on a blog. Start Kyle Orton, mother fuckers. We're 3-5, this season is dead in the water, you can't just float along with a journeyman quarterback. Either see what Kyle has to offer as option #3, or, dare I say it, at least see if Rex can be resurgent, because there's just no point in playing out the string with a quarterback whose entire ten year career is the poster for mediocrity. Unfortunately friends, my own computer's hard drive has fried and my posts will be erratic for a small measure of time, leaving this site almost completely in the hands of that maniacal video game loving bastard. When I have the chance to post, I will. Until then, God Bless, and remember, Iggins! loves video games, I can't stop what will come.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Mr. Ryan, meet Mr. Heisman

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58 minutes of bad QB play, two interceptions, no touchdowns, and basically having been sodomized by VaTech's defense for 58 minutes.


4:11 left, on his own 8 yard line, down 10-0


A TD with 2:00 left


A recovered onside kick


TWO cross-field touchdown passes (the first called back due to a holding penalty)


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Televised projectile vomiting, huh? Hey McNabb:
Matt Ryan waits until AFTER the game to puke
everywhere on National TV.


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Yes, in London. Yes, this weekend.

There is indeed a football game being played in London this weekend. The reason you may not know this is that the game is between the worst team in the league (The Miami Dolphins) and the team that always falls apart right about this time (The New York Giants). Why do I care? Because this is the funniest quote this side of Kenny Irons:

Crowder, a former Florida Gator and Atlanta native, apparently isn’t sure where the plane is headed when it takes off this afternoon for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants in Wembley Stadium.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

(Before this starts, a little background. 1) I am a hardcore gamer. I know everything that happens and has happened in the video game industry. How I manage this and still have a prevalent social life is one of life's great mysteries. 2) I have a vigorous passion for fighting, especially the UFC. My first full UFC event was Liddell vs. Sobral, and since then I've watched every one I can, plus the Ultimate Fighter. 3) These two things combined are horrifying, as is about to be demonstrated in a new segment I like to call UFC time with Kratos, God of War.)

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Bow, mortal, for I am he who slayed Ares. I once ripped off Medusa's head, turned three other gorgons to stone, broke them into pieces, then shit down their throats. I am that badass. As such I only take interest in the most badass of sports, MMA. Although your pitiful mortal fighting styles PALE in comparison to the DESTRUCTION, MAYHEM, CHAOS, AND DISASTER that my Blades of Chaos can bring, it still amuses me to watch you filthy creatures battle as you do.

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UFC 79: Nemesis
Indeed, the time has come. Fear for your livelihoods, humans, for the UFC has finally announced the long-awaited match that would pit Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva. The match was talked about for some time, but was put on hold several times (Probably because the puny Liddell creature LOST his title then LOST to Keith Jardine). However, putting that aside, Liddell is still a world class fighter. This God believes he was merely caught napping against Jardine and that he will show up to fight this battle, a match he has desperately wanted to fight for years. The most impressive part of all this MADNESS is that this fight isn't even the main event. That would be Matt Serra vs. Matt Hughes for the Welterweight title. I shall be cheering for Matt Serra because he is a WARRIOR, whereas Matt Hughes is a bible-pushing BITCH. My blades would take but ONE MIGHTY SWING to SPLIT his HEAD IN TWO. Serra would take two strokes of my blades at least.

I LAUGH At your pitiful fight card
The announcement of those two fantastic matches at UFC 79 could not have come at a better time, considering that UFC 78's fight card does not even WHET MY APPETITE for destruction, pain, and calamity. The main event is not only a NON-title fight, but a NON-top contender match. My MIGHTY PENIS could slay both Micheal Bisping AND Rashad Evans in one FELL BLOW. The best fighter at the event is fighting Thiago Silva in the number two match, Houston "The Assassin" Alexander. I have seen this man work, and it is NEARLY as GLORIOUS and titilating as killing ONE HUNDRED MEN whilst FEASTING on their immortal SOULS. His last two matches were both stopped early in the first round due to Houston BEATING HIS OPPONENT WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS PUNY LIFE. Being as one of these opponents was Keith Jardine, the man who recently defeated Chuck Liddell, I do believe the main event should maybe have been Forrest Griffin vs. Houston Alexander? Forrest Griffin would be my HERO were I not enough hero for FIVE HUNDRED HEROES already. Coming off of a SHOCKING/AMAZING/STUNNING/BEAUTIFUL upset victory over the then-ranked #1 Light Heavyweight in the world (ed. by various sources), Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, it would only be natural for him to receive a number one contender match. Dana White, I suggest you COMPLY or you shall FEEL MY BLADES.

Brock Lesnar cometh

Yes, mortal, you heard me correctly:
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This creature has risen again, this time into the ranks of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. He was greeted with much SPECULATION and HATRED, but soon gained the respect of his training partners (The Quad Cities' own former UFC Champion, Pat Militich and lightweight champion Sean Sherk) by working HARDER than anyone they've ever seen and probably by CRUSHING their FRAGILE HUMAN BODIES. Brock will fight in the Heavyweight division. His first fight has YET TO BE announced, but Dana White has already said it will MOST DEFINITELY NOT be against Noguiera, Tim Sylvia, or any other Heavyweight contender. Quoth the raven:

“I respect that,” said White of Lesnar’s desire to fight anyone. “What I’ve seen from Brock Lesnar and from what I know of him so far from the conversations we’ve had is that he’s a real fighter. He’s one of those guys who wants to come in and fight the best, but there’s a progression that you need to have. You don’t just throw them to the wolves. Now, Brock Lesnar is a monster. He’s huge, he’s powerful, he’s incredibly gifted, he’s a great wrestler, but you have to take a guy through the steps the right way. He’s got to face similar competition on his way up even though his name precedes him. Now he’s gonna fight tough competition. Is he gonna walk right in the door and take on (Antonio Rodrigo) Nogueira? No, but he’s gonna work his way up like Brandon Vera and any of these other guys who fight in the UFC did. The difference is, once you get in the UFC, nobody’s a joke. All these guys in all these other organizations are either guys that we’ve cut because they couldn’t hack it in the UFC or guys we didn’t want to sign.”
- Dana White, UFC President
Regarding Brock Lesnar's proclamation that he could
fight anyone on the UFC heavyweight roster.

FEAR, mortal, for Lesnar has come. And he comes FOR YOU.

Iggins! power Rankings post-week 7

Power rankings time again, kiddies. Don't expect any more LOTR references... for now.

Wow, what the fuck happened here?
32) St. Louis Rams (Did Marc Bulger finally realize he's mediocre and just surrounded by talent like Holt and Jackson? Or did the Rams finally realize nobody cares about their division?)

Also total shit
31) Miami Dolphins

Still confused about how they got even one win...
30) Atlanta Falcons
29) New York Jets (They still won't start Kellen Clemens, eh? I've always doubted Kellen, and Red can attest to that, but still... you're 1-6. You aren't going to the playoffs. Might be time to give him a try.)

True Colors
28) Buffalo Bills
27) San Francisco 49ers
26) Oakland Raiders

Fuck these guys
25) Cincinnati Bengals

Sub mediocrity: Tastes like 6 victories
24) Minnesota Vikings (Their other 4 wins will come solely because of purple jesus)
23) Philadelphia Eagles
22) Cleveland Browns

Are they bad or good? Who the fuck knows
21) New Orleans Saints (Looking better and better... shit now I sound like [NAME REDACTED])
20) Houston Texans (Sage Rosenfels leads furious comeback... and Bironas kicks his 8th FG. These guys must have pissed God off.)
19) Arizona Cardinals

They're bad. Seriously, they are.
18) Baltimore Ravens
17) Kansas City Chiefs

If the were any more sporatic they'd be John Kerry
16) Chicago Bears

Mediocrity will get you... into the top 16?
15) Seattle Seahawks
14) Denver Broncos (Seriously, how the hell did they beat the Steelers? Is God taunting me? I know the Broncos aren't actually good, damnit.)
13) Tampa Bay Bucs (Ernest Graham is a beast. Still confused as to how the Lions won...)

These teams just should not be here. My head hurts.
12) Carolina Panthers (They drop one spot because Vinny got one week older)
11) Detroit Lions (NAY. NAY SAID GOD.)
10) Washington Redskins
9) Jacksonville Jaguars

8) New York Giants (Prepare for meltdown in t-minus 3 weeks)
7) San Diego Chargers (Ladanian Tomlinson is on fire! Literally! And so is his home!)
6) Tennessee Titans (They won, okay. They didn't have VY. Don't hate.)
5) Pittsburgh Steelers

Top Tier
4) Green Bay Packers (I have this feeling they're about to start losing)
3) Dallas Cowboys
2) Indianapolis Colts (ESPN is actually asking if Indy is better than Diablo. Nice job. Now you've summoned the second brother, assholes.)

Diablo and his brother, Baal, Lord of Destruction
1) New England Patriots (The expansion pack!)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings 10/23/07

Yes, yes, these are several days late, but I make no excuses to you.

Anywho, in a brief stepdown from my militancy of last week, I will at least give the "rankings" the token acknowledgement of reporting on the results of games involving the Top 25 last week. Then I will provide rankings of my own, still lacking in any real relevance to the game of college football, so, equally as important as the current AP and BCS rankings

Ohio State 24, Michigan State 17
Yeah. Let's just get this out, if I haven't made it clear already. OHIO STATE IS A MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL TEAM! THE BCS IS RAPING OUR DIGNITY! Todd Boeckman (or Krenzel The Deuce) and company managed to drop a whopping 24 points on the vaunted Michigan State defense, proving once and for all that this shit's just getting ridiculous.

Rutgers 30, South Florida 27
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, thank you Greg Schiano for finally dispelling the possibility of South Florida in the national title game. If Ohio State playing in the national title game this year may be college football's version of the Rape of Nanking, Ohio State playing South Florida would be the apocalypse of all that is good and holy about college football.

Oklahoma 17, Iowa State 7
Look, I can accept the fact that Oklahoma, in this fucked up travesty of a season, is now #4. I accept that there's still a very decent possibility that despite losing to Colorado, they could go to the national title game after running the table. But I can only warn you of the danger of an Ohio State-Oklahoma national title game. If this scenario were to occur, I wouldn't even call it the national title game, but the Tressel-Stoops Red And White Puntfest Overtime Smackdown. Iowa State people! IOWA STATE! Texas, in whats shaping up to be their most mediocre year of the Mack Brown era, beat the Cyclones 56-3. Fuck the BCS, fuck, fuck fuck.

LSU 30, Auburn 24
The true number one team in the nation wins on a last second TESTICLES!!! pass against bitter rival Auburn. Can't you people just accept that the SEC is the only legit conference in college football? DON'T YOU SEE! THE BCS IS A SCAM! JIM DELANY KEEPS IT ALIVE BECAUSE ITS THE MOST BRILLIANT WAY TO KEEP THE BIG TEN RELEVANT! FUCK THE BCS! FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Vanderbilt 17, South Carolina 6
Well, not, 100% legit. Look, once in a decade you take a shit while playing Vanderbilt, it happens. But South Carolina? Probably Big Ten, ACC, and possibly even Big East champions if you let them. That's not to say the SEC is so deep that this is still a legitimate loss for South Carolina. They dropped the ball, but they're still a good team.

Oregon 55, Washington 34
I've yet to see Oregon play live this year, so I can't pass an accurate assessment on them yet, but from what I've heard and seen in the scores and stats, this looks like a solid, solid team, with a scary good offense and Dennis Dixon is easily the best quarterback in the Pac 10

Florida 45, Kentucky 37
Andre Woodson throws 5 tds. TEBOW throws four and runs for a fifth. I want to crossbreed Tebow and Woodson and then use the superprodigy quarterback to spearhead my march to world domination. TEBOW!

West Virginia 38, Miss. St 13
I sincerely hope West Virginia takes advantage of the get out of jail free card that South Florida handed them this week and runs the table the rest of the way to win the Big East and its bid to the BCS, thus providing Steve Slaton with a victorious send off to the NFL. (and by the NFL, I mean the Bears, Please, Jesus? Please?)

UCLA 30, Cal 21
Look, UCLA, it was cute at first. "Oh look at Karl Dorrell, aww, he's got a chance to go 10-0 before playing USC and he loses to Arizona, isn't that adorable?" But now, UCLA, its getting fucking old. Either lose out and get that guy fired, or win out and beat USC, we're tired of your up and down roller coaster ride of shit.

USC 38, Notre Dame 0
God damn, do I hate USC, but Notre Dame is now 1-7. Soak it in. Bask in it. Let it wrap you in its warmth and carry you off to a place where no one feels any pain....except snooty Notre Dame loving bastards, who are regularly roasted on a spit of eternal hellfire.

Kansas 19, Colorado 14
Kansas continues to win, making the Mangino happy. When the Mangino is happy, we all feel relatively safe. When he is not, well, just pray Kansas wins.

Missouri 41, Texas Tech 10
Holllllyyyy Shit. I expected Texas Tech to make this game competitive, but in the battle of the two best quarterbacks in the Big 12, neither one shined, as Chase Daniel of Missouri was merely an efficient 14 of 19 for 210 yards and a td and pick each, whereas Graham Harrell lit the torch on his underdog Heisman campaign with a Colt Brennanesque "I'm on national tv? Well I'd best throw four interceptions.." performance.

Texas 31, Baylor 10
Yeah, that's nice.

Alabama 41, Tennessee 17
Well, Tennessee also does a great deal to dispell the whole "legitimate conference" thing for the SEC, but I prefer to look at the positives of Alabama also adding depth the conference. Plus, if we just blame this blowout and the one at the hands of Florida on Phil Fulmer, I think we all come out a lot happier

Pittsburgh 24, Cinncinati 17
Well, thankfully South Florida has lost, so my plea of a few weeks ago that Cinncinati manage to remain undefeated so that they will win the Big East rather than the Bulls is no longer necessary, as I feel much more comfortable riding with West Virginia the rest of the way. But, on the other hand, Damn you, Cinncinati, way to give Dave Wannstedt a win.

Oklahoma State 41, Kansas State 39
Its funny how one big win over an extremely mediocre Texas team keeps tossing Kansas State back into the rankings long enough for a loss to an unranked team the next week. Last time it was Kansas, this time it was Mike Gundy's team. He's a grown man, he's forty!

and finally..

Michigan 27, Illinois 17
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck penalties that keep drives going, fuck a coach who jerks two inexperienced quarterbacks around like its a game of Russian Roulette wherever every chamber is loaded, fuck Lloyd Carr, fuck the fact that stupid penalties and turnovers blew every chance Illinois had of beating a crippled Michigan team that started without Mike Hart and lost Chad Henne and Mario Manningham for great stretches of the game. Fuck.

And now my rankings.

1. Michael Scott

2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

3. Alexander Graham Bell
4. Nachos Bell Grande

5. Jessica Alba

6. Captain Murphy

7. John Daly

8. Texas Tech
9. Dr. Perry Cox

10. I'm stopping here because you're probably still looking at Jessica Alba

Brian Griese: Sunday, 3:30 ct

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(First Bears drive of the game goes run, run, 3 yard out route on 3rd and 6, punt)

Griese: "Me no happy... me remember... me remember time when me were good..."

Disembodied Voice: "Brian? Brian!"

Griese: "Eh?"

Disembodied Voice: "Brian, I've finally found them. I can't believe that asshole Shanahan... honestly, he's a dick..."

Griese: "Where voice come from?"

Disembodied Voice: "Oh, God. You've deteriorated so badly you don't even recognize that my voice is coming from inside your helmet. Brian, it's me. RON TURNER!!"

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Brian: "Ron Turner?"

Ron: "Thank God. Yes, it's me, Ron. Brian, I've sent a runner down to the sideline. He will have two items that were stolen from you on your departure from Denver. Items you forgot even existed. I believe you will find them to your liking."

Brian: "Gift for Brian?"

Ron: "Yes. And a gift to Chicago as well, Brian. A gift to us all."

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(The Riders of Rohan pour out from the Lincoln Financial Field tunnel and race for Brian Griese. The horsemen surround Brian Griese. One of the soldiers, carrying a large satchel, dismounts and addresses Brian.)

Rider: "Good sir, we fought many a hard battle for these two items. The forces of Shana-han combined with the terror of Brett Favre's undead army... many good men were lost. All for these. Please; use them. Regain what you once had. Take your place."

The rider opens the satchel to reveal:

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Rider: "... your testicles. The fiery red testicle of Lok'Grammir that holds the power to throw the ball over twenty yards accurately, and with passion. And the blue testicle of Rik'Thall that allows for intelligent gun-slinging. A deadly pair once held by Brett Favre, but now in your possession good sir."

Griese: "My... my balls..."

Rider: " Ah you remember! But the best is here. The final item we recovered..."

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Brian: "Brain!?"

Rider: "Yes. This brain was stolen from you by the sodomites and Mike Shanahan long ago. This will allow you to hear Ron Turner's suggestions and to read defenses like a true quarterback."

(Rider places brain and testicles back into Brian Griese. A Holy light engulfs Lincoln Financial Field. The light abates...)

Brian: "I... I remember... I remember everything! I am a good quarterback! I be good!... oh shit!"

Ron Turner: "It may take a while for them to work to their full capacity, Brian... Oh shit! We're back on offense! Get out there!"

Brian: "Yes, sir!"

(Brian Griese leads the Bears on several stellar drives but fails to capitalize. The Bears go into the half down 9-3. In the locker-room at the half:)

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Ron: "Brian, your... ahem... 'items' are working at approximately 60% capacity. Can you win this game?"

Brian: " I can. And I will."

(Back on the field, fourth quarter. The Bears have added three more field goals on stellar Bear drives.)

Griese: " It's working... but not enough. I'm not there yet. God I hope McNabb doesn't-

(Donovan McNabb scores a TD)

Griese: "Awww fuck."

(1:52 to go in the fourth quarter. Ball on the Bears 3 yard line. Brian Griese sees his Bears seem doubtful. Griese walks to the huddle)

Griese: "Guys, we can do this. I'm back. My balls and my brain are back. We ca-

(Griese's headset goes out)

Griese: "Oh Christ."

(Brian calls a play and walks to the line of scrimmage. Just before the ball is snapped...)

Disembodied voice: "Brian?"

Brian: "Ron?"

Disembodied voice: "No, my son. It is I, the son of man."

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(Jesus the Christ descends in all his glory. Brian realizes that time has stopped.)

Jesus F'in Christ: "Brian, I see you're in a bit of trouble here."

Brian: "Yeah... I got my balls and my brain back but these goddamn- oh sorry-

Jesus: "Don't worry, happens all the time."

Brian " These goshdarned things won't work completely until the game is over..."

Jesus: "Well, I think we can fix that-"

(Christ Jesus grabs Brian Griese's package and squeezes. The most beautiful light in existence spills forth. When Brian comes to he is under center on the 3 yard line with 1:52 to play against the Philadelphia Eagles)

Brian: "My... my balls are working at full capacity!... I find Ayn Rand's works to be compelling and thought-provoking! I'm conservative again! It appears as though my brain is working again, too!"

(Brian takes the snap and engineers a 97 yard drive with no helmet communication capped by a TD to Muhsin Muhammad. Brian is running towards Muhsin to celebrate the TD. As he does he looks into the sky...)

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Jesus: "Use them well my son."

( Brian winks at the sky as he is mobbed by teammates)


Monday, October 22, 2007


A few interesting tidbits and some commentary from the past weekend...

Rick Reilly
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Rick Reilly has defected from SI to ESPN, in a move that surprises me quite a bit actually. My favorite part of Sports Illustrated has always been "The Life of Reilly" and now he will be doing said column for ESPN: The Magazine,, and television. He is one of my favorite writers and (as an aspiring sports journalist) one of my main motivations. I wish him all the best and hope he is successful at ESPN.

Da Bears

Needless to say the game was great. Brian Griese finally discovered his testicles as did Ron Turner, the defense looked like the Bear's defense, Devin Hester and Greg Olsen both contributed healthily (I'm thinking of changing my Bear song from "Bear Down" to "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" so I can yell "YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU" and hold up the U of Miami symbol every time one of them does something great) and overall it looks like the name of this website may need to be suspended until further review.

The NFL in General

Or, rather, how crazy it is in the NFL. Parity abounds (leaving out Diablo) and it seems like every team in the whole damn league could make the playoffs. Chaos in both the NCAA and the NFL!?!?

On a related note, I really hope the Pats lose so Bill Simmons will shut the hell up.

Power Rankings tomorrow, until then:

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If you haven't played Final Fantasy Tactics then do one
0f the following:
1) Kill yourself
2) Go buy The Lion War for the PSP

Ratchet and Clank: Future, The Lion War, Castlevania X: Dracula Chronicles, Eye of Judgement, and Guitar Hero 3 will all be out in the next 7 days. Weep, for ye have not enough time puny mortal.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Notes from A Weekend of Slumber

Hello there, everybody. I know you're all missing me after an uncomfortably long absence due to the amount of time i spent in my evenings this past week studying for the grueling round of midterms I have taken or are in the process of taking. I'll get to my college football roundup and rankings tomorrow, but here are some of my notes from this weekend..

- [Redacted], I hate you even more than ever. First of all, learn how to coach a team's emotion so we don't keep giving teams like Michigan extended drives. 10 fucking penalties? Four of them personal fouls? Teach some God Damn Discipline.

-Also, look, I know the trendy thing in college football right now is the the whole Leak/Teabow two qb system. I know LSU's had success doing the same thing with Matt Flynn and Ryan Perilloux, but the difference, [Redacted], between those two combinations and the whole Juice Williams/Eddie McGee system, is that Leak was a senior who knew how to manage games and pass effectively, as is Matt Flynn, whereas the Juice/McGee pairing is a Sophomore with no ability to pass, and McGee is a redshirt Freshman with no ability to run the option. Newsflash! When you have two quarterbacks that have potential but no real experience, you hitch your wagon to one of them and see if they pan out. You don't fucking jerk them in and out of a game like you're fly fishing. Let one of them learn how to do more than One fucking thing and then see what you've got.

-Tim Tebow is not a man, he is a dragon man, or maybe he's just a dragon, but he was still TEBOW! Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants!

-Brian Griese, for this week, no criticism shall befall upon you in our hallowed halls. But lose next week and we'll call for your head once more. But seriously, 97 yards in 1:45 with no timeouts, and your headset broken so you're forced to audible every play? Balls. Pure, gigantic, balls.


Lil Wayne has retired

I regret to inform you that Lil Wayne has stepped down as prediction master. He said something about "y'all being bitches" and "fuck deez hoes" then left. I'd like to think he left because he was sucking. In any case we're searching for his replacement, so this week I'll just do 'em my self.

Winners in ALL CAPS

TAMPA BAY vs. Detroit
Falcons vs. SAINTS
Titans vs. TEXANS
Cardinals vs. REDSKINS
PATRIOTS vs. Dolphins
RAVENS vs. Bills
49ers vs. NY GIANTS
Jets vs. BENGALS
Vikings vs. COWBOYS
BEARS vs. Eagles
STEELERS vs. Broncos
COLTS vs. Jaguars

Also, if you're expecting me to rant about how bad the Hawkeyes are, you, sir, will be disappointed. What more can be said?

Friday, October 19, 2007

Lil Wayne rocks your world

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Yo lass week my shit was less than stella. Dont fret y'all, I be back wit a vengeance dis week. Lass week I gave ya comments on da college games an dis week you get comments tomorra on da NFL games. Look at ma pics, digest, enjoy, and call ya bookies, bitch.

(14)USC over Notre Dame (Shut da fuck up its a big game, ho)
(7)Kentucky over (15)Florida (Da SEC NEEDS a one loss team.)
(16)Mizzou over (24)TTech
(4)LSU over (17)Auburn
(25)Michigan over Illinois (Mike Hart is on a fuckin mission y'all. He aint stoppin til e'ry big ten team is bent ova n feelin da pain. Zook aint gon stop dat. He'll just accept penalties at da wrong time and take out his starting quarterback for some fucka what throw INTs. Punk bitch.)

Lil Wayne's NCAA record: 6-3
Lil Wayne's NFL record: 6-7

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Fuck You Guys

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You thought I'd just resign if you asked me back? Fuck you. Like that asshole Nick Saban I don't have time for this shit. I hope you fuckers are happy without A-Rod and with Don Mattingly as your new manager. I haven't seen THAT before. OH WAIT.

Oh, and by the way? I hope Jeter dies in a car crash while he is castrated by an angry koala bear.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Iggins! NFL Power Rankings post week 6

A few things about the last week that have crossed my mind:

- My opinion (nay, my FACT!) coincides with Red in that the BCS is a horrifying experiment that never went wrong because IT WAS ALWAYS WRONG. Nobody would ever say, "Golly, I hope the NFL or the NBA changes from a playoffs system to a BCS-like system. " And that is with good reason. Ohio State would get beaten by each of the twelve teams directly below them. USF would get beat by at least half of them. The horror that is... the BCS!

- Honestly, Devin Hester is the biggest game changer in the league and if the Bears had ANY offense we would score at least 35 a game based solely on field position and Hester TD's. Where the fuck is Orton? WHERE?!?!!?

- I'm looking forward to Iowa returning to form this weekend in God's rebuke for their win over Illinois. Maybe Christensen'll get pulled now. I can hope, right?

- Also, yes, my Bisquit is awesome.

- Now on to the NFL...

Maybe they need to pray more to Christ Jesus...
32) Miami Dolphins
31) St. Louis Rams (In grave danger of taking the bottom spot)

How did they get a win again...?
30) Atlanta Falcons (So I'm playing Madden 08 in the 4th year of my franchise and I play the Falcons. There's Mike Vick. I laugh hysterically for minutes)
29) Buffalo Bills
28) New York Jets

Fuck Cincinnati
27) Cincinnati Bengals

26) Denver Broncos
25) New Orleans Saints (They looked like the Saints on Sunday Night. I'll wait and see which team is the real New Orleans: The Saints or the Aints)

24) Chicago Bears
23) Minnesota Vikings

Soon to be scraping the bottom of the barrel
22) San Francisco 49ers
21) Oakland Raiders (Look here, Oakland, Culpepper is the same damn person that Jamarcus Russell is. So why not play the guy who needs experience?)
20) Seattle Seahawks (Wow Shaun Alexander is bad. What the hell happened there?)

Dangerous... kinda
19) Baltimore Ravens (Boller is back! Alright?)
18) Cleveland Browns (So... Derek Anderson, huh? Really?)
17) Houston Texans (Too bad these guys play in a division with Indy, Jacksonville, and Tennessee.)
16) Arizona Cardinals (Who the hell is their 3rd string QB?... Tim Rattay and Tim Hasselbeck, huh? Well, there's always next year.)

Mediocrity is the spice of life...?
15) Detroit Lions
14) Kansas City Chiefs
13) Philadelphia Eagles (Hey D-McNabb? The Bears called. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!)
12) Washington Redskins (Oh, too bad for these guys their coach is senile, otherwise they'd be much higher.)
11) Carolina Panthers (I do not prescribe the the Vinny Testaverde theory.)

Lookin' Good
10) New York Giants
9) San Diego Chargers (LT is LT again! Ihope he learned his lesson and will stop making ridiculous commercials now.)
8) Tennessee Titans (Not their fault the Madden curse struck VY down)

7) Tampa Bay Bucs
6) Green Bay Packers
5) Jacksonville Jaguars (Are the Jaguars better than mediocre finally?)

Top Tier
4) Pittsburgh Steelers
3) Dallas Cowboys (You expect me to drop them for losing to a Demon God?)
2) Indianapolis Colts (Peyton: "What, now Brady has good receivers? Dagnabbit.")

Diablo, Lord of Terror, Harbinger of Doom
1) New England Patriots (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Monday, October 15, 2007

College Football Round Up and Code Red Rankings 10/15/07

In wake of Illinois' disappointing bounce from the 25, which they admittedly deserve, other than the fact that if a two loss Michigan team that lost to Appalachiafuckin State can be ranked, than a two loss Illinois team that lost to a ranked team and an in-conference rival, should probably be ranked as well, and after Kentucky's upset win over LSU (golf clap for Iggins! for predicting said upset. *clap* *clap*), Cal's loss to Oregon State, and the fact that Ohio State is now #1 and South Florida is #2, which sums up everything that is wrong with the BCS, I am not going to do a game by game roundup of the past week's top 25 results, as the entire ranking system and BCS is a damned sham and anyone who puts any stock into any rankings until the BCS is finally abolished French Revolution style is a miserable sheep and a terrible human being,

Storm the BCS! Behead Myles Brand!

instead, I'm going to post a completely inane top 25 ranking list that will somehow magically hold all the validity of the AP and BCS rankings. Because if an Ohio State team with zero quality wins and SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA are 1 and 2, justice has evaporated from the world, and any miserable little shit head who tries to tell you that the BCS is great because every college game is now a playoff is a moron. Yes, every game is playoff. I'm sure Ohio State sat there reviewing the film and chanting "play like there's no tomorrow" as they marched out to whomp ass on Kent State, while LSU had to march into Kentucky, a resurgent program that now proves there really is no easy game in the entire SEC, and was taken down in one colossal struggle that should give both of the participants a chance at a national title down the road. But it won't, because now that the BCS has finally proven without a doubt that it is a miserable failure, you'll have an undefeated Ohio State team from the Big Ten in one of its least competitive years later playing for the national title, while an LSU/Kentucky/Florida team that will be the best in the land will be pasting Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. Fuck you, college football, let it finally be settled on the field.

So here are my rankings

1. Texas Tech
2. Louisiana-Monroe
3. Spain
4. This Cheese Sandwich

5. Illinois Weslayan
6. Burritos
7. North Glendale High School
8. Voltron

9.Middle Tennessee State
10. The Chinese restaraunt I go to in Campustown. They have the best fucking egg rolls known to man.
11. Tom Jones

12. Bisquit. Iggins! dog with the misspelled name. She rocks.

13. Ole Miss (fear the Orgeron)
14. Dramatic Squirrel

15. Bill O'Reilly
16. Billy Bob Thornton
17. 1999 Dodge Neon

18. Johnny Walker Black Label

19. ESPN 8, The Ocho
20. Miami Dolphins
21. Smokey, my beloved deceased cat.

The world was not enough for you, Smokey..

22. That thing in the back of your mouth? the hangy thing? I'm ranking that here.
23. The Catholic Church
24. James Lipton

Ha Ha Ha..Delightful

25. Think of the sluttiest girl you've ever known. Rank her here.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


Illinois! Chicago Bears! Iggins!, looks like you all need...

Where? WHERE?!?!?!!?

Where's this guy?

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and this guy?

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actually urlacher has been great, but this is funny. (thanks to The Onion)

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What happened to these guys?

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What happened to my Bears?
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Oh. Right.

p.s. Devin Hester rocks, Brian Griese is downright AWFUL, why the fuck didn't we throw like we did at the end of the game the whole game, why does griese keep throwing check downs on 3rd and 10 with 4 receivers downfield, what the fuck happened to our glorious defense, and where the fuck is my pride?

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Oh yeah... forgot again.

Lil Wayne's NFL week 6 picks

Yo fuck y'all, I'm tired an I wanna watch me some games so you can make up sum shit I think bout each game, tricks. Here's what I think:

picks in BOLD CAPS

Minnesota @ CHICAGO
Green Bay
CINCINNATI @ Kansas City
HOUSTON @ Jacksonville
Carolina @ ARIZONA
Oakland @ SAN DIEGO
New Orleans @ SEATTLE

NY GIANTS @ Atlanta

Lil Wayne's NCAA Football record: 6-3 (plus the Iowa win was a moral victory times 1000)
Lil Wayne's NFL record: N/A

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Oh, Your Ass is SOOO Fucking Redacted.

Hey, you!

Yes you, the hopelessly befuddled football "coach".

Look, I really wanted to like you. After a 4-19 start the last two years I had the balls to go against the entire blogosphere and remove your [Redacted] label as it applied to you as head coach of the Fighting Illini. I praised your still undeniably great recruting abilities. But recruiting does not make the coach, my friend. So looking at the overall image of your "coaching", I'm forced to do this by your own hand. That's right, "coach". Your ass is RE-REDACTED. God fucking damn you, kind sir. You know what you have cost me this day? A chance at glory. I stood on the cusp of unlimited, immortal glory. I could have stood over the shattered soul of Iggins! as his season finally, completely, sunk into unmitigated despair. But thanks to you, oh genius of the gridiron, I have lost that chance. You have given Iggins! the bragging rights, sir, and for this you may never be forgiven. Now, even should we finish the regular season 11-2 with a Big Ten Title and BCS bowl win (which only seems incredibly fucking unlikely with your solid steering of the helm, Captain Jackass), Iggins! shall have his glorious exclamation point with which to cast our entire season aside in shame. You had better go undefeated as mentioned above, "Coach". You know why? Because that's the only way to avoid the fate that you have now set before yourself at my hands, sir. Had you won this week, you could have lost every game the rest of the way and finished 6-6 after a third tier bowl loss and I'd have been fine. But no, you had to accept penalties, not once, but TWICE, that would have forced Iowa into 4th down had you declined them. You had to run the option every fucking time, when every single person watching that game knew it would fail. You know what you should have done, "coach"? What Iowa lined up and dared you to do. You should have abandoned your glitzy offense, lined up man to man, overpowered a less talented team, and you should have HANDED RASHARD MENDENHALL THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU FUCKING COCK! Not on an option pitch, not on a toss, you should have handed off the fucking ball to your powerhouse running back and let him pound his way through a defense that was daring him to try. But now that you have cost me glory over Iggins!, you must finish perfect the rest of the way or you have set into action events which can not end well for either of us, Sir. For should you lose to Michigan next week in Memorial Stadium, or even to Ohio State, I will be waiting for you. I will hunt you down in a cold fury, determined to enact my bloody revenge for this day. I will lurk in the shadows, Coach Zook. I will cover myself in the blood of my enemies who have preceeded you and I will add your bones to their heap. I will confront you in the shadows outside of your home, instilling myself with courage from a bottle of Jack Daniels, and when I have had my fill I shall shatter that bottle upon the ground between us and brawl you on the shattered glass and spilled whiskey. The battle that will follow will result only in your demise or mine, or both of us, but even if you should crawl away from the chaos covered in the blood and whiskey and glass, you will be nothing but a fragile shell of the man you are today. I will unleash my battle cry, and with it I will consume your soul, Coach Zook. And know that that was the last time you shall hear your name uttered in the halls of this website, barring nothing short of a BCS Bowl win or four straight wins over Iowa to erase the shame of this one. The time is now, Coach [Redacted], the time is now.


This is a good day for me. Good day. The Iowa student section was as pumped as theyve ever been the whole game and somehow we pulled it out in the end. 8 years, illini fans. Don't worry, you still have basketball.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Predictions II

Code Red: Hello again, folks. As you might remember from last week we introduced a new weekly event here on Start Kyle Orton, where Iggins!, myself, and a celebrity guest choose one NFL team guaranteed to win, one NFL team guaranteed to lose, one NFL player guaranteed to be a fantasy football stud, and the winner of the week's biggest college matchup,this week's being Missouri-Oklahoma . Our celebrity guest, and this one is a real treat as he is a personal hero of mine, is news giant and standard bearer for traditional American values, Bill O'Reilly. Papa Bear, thank you for joining us.

Bill O'Reilly: Happy to be here, Mr. Red. Which, I've been meaning to ask you and I think America wants to know the truth, why that particular nickname?

Code Red: Well it's an allusion to a comment made by Atlanta Falcons cornerback Deangelo Hall..

Bill O'Reilly: Or an overt declaration of your communist sentiments. Now I think all America asks is that in the interests of objectivity, you state your political leanings, rather than pass your leftist drivel off as "news", much like CNN or MSNBC, who, if I may point out, are once again being thumped by Fox News in the ratings. I think America has decided on that one.

Code Red: No, no, I loathe communism, I watch your show daily, Mr. O'Reilly.

Bill O'Reilly: As many Americans do. Might I point out that the Factor is the highest rated show on all of cable news?

Code Red: Well yes, but we really need to move on to the topic of this post..

Bill O'Reilly: Just like all the others of your kind, when confronted with the facts you run away from the issue!

Code Red: I...I just, Iggins!?

Iggins!:, I like where this is going. Bill, call him a communist again.

Code Red: Dude, that's cold. Umm, anywho, my NFL team guaranteed to win this week is the Cincinnati Bengals, who I think will come out with vengeance to shake off three straight bad performances to defeat the Kansas City Chiefs. My NFL team guaranteed to lose is the Jets against the Eagles. My fantasy football Pimp of the week...

Bill O'Reilly: You're praising a pimp? What kind of degradation do you stand for?

Code Red: Well he's not really a pimp, its just a matter of expression standing for someone who performs well..

Bill O'Reilly: You label someone as a pimp as a compliment? Do you realize what this progressive slang of yours does to damage the fabric of America?

Code Red: I...I...Papa Bear... I...

Iggins!: This moment is so delicious, I want to wrap it in foil and stick it in my fridge so I can pinch off tiny bits of it to cheer me up whenever I'm feeling down.

Code Red: My..umm.. MVP of the week is Willis McGahee of the Ravens agains the Rams defense. And I'm going to take Oklahoma over Missouri 28-17. Iggins!?

Iggins!: My team guaranteed to win is da Bears over the Minnesota Vikings. My team guaranteed to lose is Green Bay against the Redskins, because the ball is rolling on the Packers descent begins in earnest this week. My fantasy football player of merit..

Bill O'Reilly: See how respectfully he termed that?

Code Red: What, no, no! He hardly ever even watches the Factor! He listens to rap music! His entire vocabulary is ripped from ebonics!

Bill O'Reilly: Flattery will get you no where, sir, what we have here is a Fine American.

Iggins!: Oh, my God, the taste, its so sweet.. but said player once again is Randy Moss. Me, I take Oklahoma over Missouri, 28-23. Mr. O'Reilly, sir?

Bill O'Reilly: Why thank you, young man. It's young men like you that give me hope for the future.

Code Red: He once threatened to shit on the Pope's grave! You're an Irish Catholic! He's a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING!

Bill O'Reilly: Are you defaming the church? Despicable. Utterly despicable. I'm going to guarantee Cardinals will beat Carolina, I'm going to guarantee an Oakland loss to San Diego, and my top player of the week will be Carson Palmer.

Code Red: And the winner of the college game, sir?

Bill O'Reilly: I'm taking Notre Dame.

Code Red: But we're picking the Missouri-Oklahoma winner...

Bill O'Reilly: I grew up in a traditional American home of Irish ancestry. I watch Notre Dame, son, because thats true American football.

Iggins!: Yeah, Code Red, show some respect for an American institution.

Code Red: You hate Notre Dame! You once said God created vampires for the express purpose of killing Catholics!

Iggins!: This is just low of you to slander my character.

Bill O'Reilly: We've shown you the truth about this young man, America. The spin stopped here.

Code Red: Oh I give up.

Lil Wayne picks College Football

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Aight hoz, dis is some shit I can pick. All dat baseball be pissin me off, time fuh a real sport: football. Today I'll getcha some college picks an tomorrow we got some NFL shit fuh ya ass.

Iowa Hawkeyes @ (18)Illinois Fighting Illini, 11:00ct, ESPN2
Shit why dey got me pickin dis shit? They aint e'en gon pick dis on college gameday. Illinois be better at pretty much everything. I feel bad fuh dat Iggins! mufucka havin to go watch dis shit. Po muthafucka. Ah well.
Illinois by 25

Georgia Tech @ Miami FL, 11:00ct, ESPN
Look, ima tell y'all wat I said bout FSU yesterday (by da way i wun dat game, bitchez). Stop ranking deez bitchez! FSU and Miami bof suck, at least Miami ain't ranked. Chan Gailey might put ma ass ta sleep but no doubt GTech wins dis one.
Georgia Tech by 17

(19)Wisconsin @ Penn State, 2:30ct, ABC

Yo the Big Ten is borin n shit, man. Bein from Louisiana I guess I be used to bein good on offense AND defense, nawmsayin? Anyways bof of deez teams are overrated but I think Penn State'll find a way ta win here, y'know, zombies and the white out shit bein on they side.
Penn State by 3

(1)LSU @ (17)Kentucky, 2:30ct, CBS

Upset of da day, bitchez. Sportscenter been talkin like LSU already undefeated an that aint bode well fuh my hometown team. Andre Woodson gon pass all ova deez hoes, but t'll be CLOSER than the experts think. (Shout out to ma boy Lee Corso)
Kentucky by 6

(11)Missouri @ (6)Oklahoma, 5:30ct

What da hell iz dis? Shit aint bein broadcast? Dumb fucks. Anyway, dis is a hard one fuh me. Mizzou been lookin good, Chase Daniels been throwin n runnin all ova hiz enemies. But I don think Oklahoma gon be caught nappin like dey waz in Boulder. Oklahoma gon take dis one.
Oklahoma by 13

Louisville @ (15)Cincinnati, 6:00ct, ESPNU

Louisville kinda sucks, aint they? Brian Brohm can pass pretty good but shit, he aint got no defense. Dey gave up 38 to 'cuse man. Cincinnati kicks way mo azz den y'all think, so dis matchup is prolly gon end in pain n suffrin fo da Cardinals.
Cincinnati by 24

(22)Auburn @ Arkansas, 6:45, ESPN

Yo, I can't believe ma eyez! Auburn be ranked again! Shit, deez mufuckin poll givin mufuckas need a be put in check. Unfortunately dey be playin a team who sucks equally, da only difference bein Darren McFadden and Houston Nutt vs. a great Auburn defense. I'm predictin a game that stays in da teens, Arkansas comes out on top cuz dey be at home.
Arkansas by 2

Colorado @ Kansas State, 8:15, ESPN2
And ta wrap dis shit up we pick da late late why da fuck dis be so late game. Dan Hawkins be leadin his Buffs into battle like dey be Spartans or some shit-ed. (Madness? THIS...IS...DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!! Go play intramurals, brother)-but I don tink dey be able to beat K-State afta dey lost to Kansas an had ta watch dat crazy video on youtube wit da jayhawk bendin ova da wildcat. Dat shit is FUCKED UP man.
Kansas State by 10

Weezy's MLB Series Record: 2-2
Weezy's NCAA Football Record: 1-0
Weezy's NFL Record: N/A

Illinois vs. Iowa, the Iggins! chronicles.

Instead of battling random ass statistics I'll break down the real statistics and position battles about to unfold on Saturday. But first, allow me to retort...

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Well allow me to retort!

Zook beats Ferentz? Really? Is there one person on the planet who actually believes that?

-I agree, Herky scares the shit out of me, and perhaps getting rid of the Chief was wrong but, honestly, Illini Fans, SHUT THE FUCK UP. We do not care, not a goddamn one of us. Us being the WORLD, ASSHOLES. Also that picture looks like the chief at a football game. Wanna guess how many Illini fans knew the Chief went to football games?

In any case, here we go:

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QBs: Isiah "Juice" Williams vs. Jake "Dumbass" Christensen

You'd think this category would be slightly more even than it is, what with Juice's giving mentality (especially giving to the opposition), but it really isn't. Jake Christensen is a goddamned retard. If the play call is anything but a screen of some kind he WILL NOT throw the ball, he'll wait six seconds then run or get sacked. At least Juice has some balls. Christensen's a bigger pussy than Lil Kim's.
Advantage: Illini

RBs: Albert Young/Damian Sims vs. Rashard Mendenhall

This is a bit more even. The combination of Albert Young and Damian Sims is very dangerous, Albert running through you and Sims running around you. But for two reasons, Illinois wins this matchup. One, Iowa has no pass game what with our quarterback sucking total dick, so the Illini (unless Zook coaches like Zook) should stack the line and blitz, blitz, run stop. Number two, Rashard Mendenhall is the most impressive physical specimen I've seen in a long time. He has GIGANTIC muscles and incredible speed. He's the total package. He will be contained to some extent due to a very good Iowa run defense but he'll still have a better game than Young/Sims.
Advantage: Illini

WRs: DJK vs. Arrelious Benn

Since the rest of both these receiving platoons are either injured or suck, we'll just compare Darrell-Johnson Koulianis to Arrelious (I refuse to call him rejus) Benn. Okay, obviously Benn is better than DJK, but DJK has shown some true ability, the problem is his quarterback can't get him the damn ball because he's a pussy. Benn is more of a runner in Zook's offense for some reason, but hey, so is Percy Harvin. Benn wins.
Advantage: Illini

OL: Iowa vs. Illinois
Look, we all know Iowa's line is great, and somehow they've managed to give Christensen six to seven whole seconds in the pocket all year under tremendous rushes. If Christensen would throw the damn ball they'd get more respect. The Illini's line is good, but hey, we're Iowa. We do the O-Line thing well.
Advantage: Hawkeyes

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D-Line: Iowa vs. Illinois
Actually, from what I've seen (I've watched a lot of Illinois football this year) Illinois' line is actually decent, which surprised me, considering how bad their D normally is. I thought J Leman was their only good player. But their line doesn't compare to Iowa's. Three future top 3 round draft picks: Kenny Iwebema, Bryan Mattison, and Mitch King plus one possible draftee: Matt Kroul absolutely tear through people, stopping the run game and harassing the quarterback. They'll give Juice trouble and flush him out of the pocket a lot, but don't expect Juice to go down, Iowa has problems with fast QBs (Iowa State).
Advantage: Hawkeyes

Linebackers: Iowa vs. Illinois
Really this comes down to Mike Klinkenborg and Humpal vs. J Leman. J Leman is the best LB in the country, but Iowa might have the best LB lineup in the Big Ten. This is tough but I think the combined ability of Klinky and Humpal equal the massive talent that is J Leman.

Secondary: Iowa vs. Illinois

This is the easiest one on this list. Iowa's secondary can't stop anything, hell we let Anthony Morelli pass all over us. The only time we stop the other team's passing game is when our line disrupts the QB. Illinois has Vontae Davis. 'nuff said.
Advantage: Vontae Davis

Special Teams: ________ vs. Illinois
Honestly, I don't want to talk about how our kickers can't make anything, how we haven't gotten a touchback all year, and how our punter kicks it long when we need it short and kicks it short when we need it long. At least DJK returns the ball well.
Advantage: Whoever plays us

So, to summarize Illinois goes 5-2-1 in this little battle and demonstrates exactly why they're going to mop the damn floor with us on Saturday. Our defense will do all it can, but when your offense goes 3 and out every drive it's hard to hold anybody under twenty points.
Final Score: Illinois-45 Iowa-13

Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics Part II

After the first two rounds, we have Illinois and Iowa tied 1-1, so here are the final three rounds to determine who truly deserves our praise as a football team.

Round 3: Head Coaches
I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.

Illinois- Ron Zook

Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.

Head Coaching Record: UF- 23-15. Illinois- 9-20 Overall: 32-35, 47% Winning Percentage. Bowl Games: 0-3

Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing ( up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.

Seriously, I don't want to know.

Iowa- Kirk Ferentz

Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.

Head Coaching Record: Maine-12-21, Iowa 57-45, Career:69-66. 51 % Winning Percentage. Bowls: 3-3.

Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.

Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois

Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.

Illinois- Kurt Kittner 1998-2001

College Statistics: 43 games, 682 comp./1264 attempts. 8,722 yds. 70 touchdowns, 34 interceptions.

Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.

Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).

Iowa- Brad Banks 2001-2002

College Statistics: Passing- 23 games, 213 comp./362 attempts. 3,155 yds. 30 tds, 7 interceptions. Rushing- 122 attempts, 574 yards. 4.7 yards per rush. 7 tds.

Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."

Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.

Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa

Round 5: Mascot

Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).

Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.

Iowa: Herky the Hawk

Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.

Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois

Game, Set, and Match