Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Around the NFL, Week 7

Chiefs 42, Jaguars 20
I'm actually going to be bold here and state that the Chiefs will win the AFC West. I actually don't know if that's a bold statement anymore.

Titans 37, Eagles 19
Sure, there are more embarrassing things than allowing Kerry Collins to lead a 27 point 4th quarter comeback. Damned if I can think of them off the top of my head, though.

Ravens 37, Bills 34
God Dammit. Of course the Bills are approaching not-entirely-incompetent status just as they become the Bears next opponents. It's sad that I can't even count a win over Buffalo as a sure thing.

Browns 30, Saints 17
This score says everything you need to know about the NFC, actually.

Falcons 39, Bengals 32
Every time I give up on Carson Palmer, he has a great game. And yet every time he has a great game, the Bengals lose. You anger me, unknowable Gods of football.

Steelers 23, Dolphins 22
I don't believe there's a giant NFL conspiracy to aid the Steelers. That doesn't mean it doesn't boil my blood whenever they win with the help of iffy officiating. Or without it.

Panthers 23, 49ers 20
Again, I'm still grateful, now that the Fire Lovie hubbub has returned in earnest (and yes, I'll probably hop on board again if this thing's still going south in a few weeks), that no one will be lobbying for Mike f*&king Singletary and his pants-dropping, meathead-pandering methods of "coaching."

Buccaneers 18, Rams 17

Raheem Brock says the Bucs are the best team in the NFL. That's total bullshit, but Josh Freeman is going to be a star.

Seahawks 22, Cardinals 10
Well, at least I won't have to hear about how Max Hall "fumbles like a leader" this week, with him going 4-16 and being benched for the return of Derek Anderson, who did nothing to keep Cardinals fans from pining even for the second coming of a young Jake Plummer.

Patriots 23, Chargers 20
San Diego is not very good.

Raiders 59, Broncos 14
Hahahahaha. Oh God. Hahahahaha. This can't get any less funny. Nothing like a FORTY-FIVE POINT beatdown at home at the hands of your most-bitter rivals (who, mind you, have been the NFL's 2nd worst franchise since 2003) to turn an entire fanbase against you, Josh. I also enjoyed Mark Kiszla, Denver's answer to Rick Morrissey, blaming this loss somehow on Kyle Orton and calling for the inevitable failure of Tim Tebow's career to begin sooner rather than later. Comedy gold, folks, all of it.

Packers 28, Vikings 24
Logic should have dictated that I root for the Vikings in this game, ensuring the Bears sole possession of first place for yet another week, but fuck that. God I enjoy watching Brett Favre fail miserably. It's so fucking delicious. If I could somehow turn the feeling I get watching Brett Favre fail into a liquid that I could distill, then age in a nice oak barrel, then bottle and sell a few years down the road it would become the world's most popular spirit. Also, as much as I think Brad Childress is a pathetic excuse for a man and that he totally deserves this for selling out his soul to get Favre, it was awesome to see him nail Favre in the post-game presser.

Giants 41, Cowboys 35
Wow, the Cowboys are royally, royally boned. It should be fun to watch Jon Kitna lead them to 3-13 in a year where they expected to play for the Superbowl in their own stadium. Oh, and the Giants are really good at murdering quarterbacks. I admire that.

College Football Roundup, Week 8

Oregon 60, UCLA 13
My God, what would happen if Oregon played Texas? Also, as much as my hatred of the BCS would seem to require me to root for Boise State in the title game, just to bring wrath upon the system, I can't say there's a game that would be more entertaining than Oregon-Auburn.

Navy 35, Notre Dame 17
This is just your weekly reminder that Notre Dame blows just as much as it has, regardless of head coach, since the early 90s. When you've won as many bowl games in the last 15 years as Illinois, you, sir, are not a great football program, no matter what you tell yourself and your fanbase.

Virginia Tech 44, Duke 7
Virginia Tech has, as usual, wormed its way back into the rankings after two brutal losses to start the season, and will now undoubtedly go on to win the ACC, just because it's fitting that that conference's champion will have been beaten by James Madison.

Michigan State 35, Northwestern 27
Oh, Northwestern. Every time I think you aren't Northwestern, it turns out that you, in fact, still Northwestern. Funny how that works.

Illinois 43, Indiana 13
The scary thing about this Illinois team is that they've won all of the games I expected them to win and have lost all of the games I expected them to lose. In a year where number one continues to fall and chaos reigns supreme, it should be the scariest sign of the apocalypse that a Ron Zook team is playing consistent and fundamentally sound football.

Iowa State 28, Texas 21
Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Wisconsin 31, Iowa 30
Another disturbing (and yet oh so funny) sign of the College Football Apocalypse: a Kirk Ferentz team has now lost two games thanks to poor offensive line play, shoddy defense, terrible special teams, and appalling clock management.

Nebraska 51, Oklahoma State 41
I just don't f*&king get you, Nebraska.

Auburn 24, LSU 17
Mercifully, LSU's inexplicable winning streak ends. Not with a bang, but with the giant bulk of a Cameron Newton Death Train pummeling them into the ground for 217 yards rushing. Now that Denard Robinson has come back to earth, I'd have to make Newton my Heisman favorite.

Missouri 36, Oklahoma 27
Well, that was somewhat surprising, but not really? The Big 12 blows. Your updated conference ratings:

Obligatory but still probably true: SEC
Surprisingly Revived: Big Ten
Good at Face Value, but Not Fond of Defense: Pac 10
Total Fucking Wastelands: Big 12, Big East, ACC

Baylor 47, Kansas State 42
I'm just putting this here to congratulate Baylor on ensuring their first bowl bid since 1994. Robert Griffin is awesome. If they beat Texas this weekend I will laugh heartily and place the Bears in the slot of Favorite Big 12 Team that Texas Tech vacated by unjustly firing Mike Leach. Fuck you, Texas Tech.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke will be back this week and should be up tomorrow.