Thursday, September 15, 2011

Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 2

Bears (1-0) @ Saints (0-1)

Code Red: The Saints defense looked terrible, even if it was the Packers. I know Aaron Rodgers can put up 42 points on a lot of teams, but Matt Hasselbeck can't, and those are the last two Qbs who have faced the Saints and done just that. Plus, Breesus is going to have a rough go against that Bears defensive line. Luckily he has the intangibles of Olin Kreutz to pick his ass up off the ground. Bears win.

Iggins!: Incredibly, the Bears are still getting little respect, with the media focusing on Atlanta being bad rather than Chicago being good. Does that make any sense? The Falcons offense could only have gotten better! Surprisingly, the most stalwart part of the Bear defense was the Pass D (most of Ryan's yards came after the game was won) and that bodes well against the Saints, plus that Saint defense can't stop anything. Bears win. As a side note, I live in Des Moines, IA, and it seems that everything East of here and West of here will show the Bears game on Sunday... but Des Moines will show the Packers. GODDAMNIT.

Mrs. Code Red: Bears, because they're the f*&king Bears, and because I've come around to the idea of not rooting against them just to get ahead in this.

Code Red: Amen.

Raiders (1-0) @ Bills (1-0)

Iggins!: A battle of mighty unbeatens! I'll take the Bills to win at home here and shake my head quizically as it happens.

Code Red: I was impressed by the Bills, but more so by a fierce Raiders pass rush that should be able to get to Ryan Fitzpatrick. Raiders win.

Mrs. Code Red: Raiders, because their defense looked pretty solid.

Browns (0-1) @ Colts (0-1)

Code Red: One of these teams sucked like it was supposed to in week one, the other suffered a huge letdown against the Bengals. I'm going to assume the Colts can't stop Peyton Hillis. Browns win.

Iggins!: I don't understand the Browns very well, but what I do understand is that they only play well against great teams, so Colts win.

Mrs. Code Red: Poor Colts, they deserve a win, don't they? Colts.

Code Red: They've had enough of them. This shit's funny. Learn to acquire the schadenfreude gland, honey.

Bucs (0-1) @ Vikings (0-1)

Iggins!: The Bucs threw the ball 43 times Sunday. They ran it 16. I predict the Bucs will understand why they barely moved the ball against Detroit and will win this game. Bucs win.

Code Red: Bucs, because Minnesota blows, and the only thing Tampa did well last week was stop the run.

Mrs. Code Red: Bucs, because I want the Vikings to lose.

Packers (1-0) @ Carolina (0-1)

Code Red: Well, either Arizona's pass defense is absolutely atrocious (quite possible) or I'm way wrong on Cam Newton. Well, Cam, if you're going to throw for a billion yards, do it against the Packers. I'm not crazy enough to pick them, though. Packers win.

Iggins!: I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS GAME, DES MOINES. Could I possibly, finally, be right about a QB that Red was wrong about? I'll save my gloating for after the season. Packers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Packers. I don't feel an explanation is necessary.

Code Red: It's really not.

Seattle (0-1) @ Pittsburgh (0-1)

Iggins!: The Seahawks here will play the role of Ty Cobb's wife after a bad game. Pittsburgh abuses.

Code Red: Indeed. Tarvaris Jackson is a crime against football itself. Pittsburgh wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Even though I usually like Seattle teams for their uniforms, I gotta face the facts at some point that none of them are very good. Steelers win.

Jags (1-0) @ Jets (1-0)

Code Red: Well, I don't expect that Luke McCown will be enough to get past a defense much better than Tennessee's. Jets win.

Iggins!: If the Jets traded for Luke McCown I would probably take them to win the Super Bowl, oddly. Jets win.

Mrs. Code Red: Jets, I don't really know why. The Jaguars are really boring. You never hear anything about them, I don't think I've ever even seen them on TV.

Code Red: No one has, actually. Not even in Jacksonville.

Ravens (1-0) @ Titans (0-1)

Iggins!: HAHAHA oh my this is going to be painful. Ravens win.

Code Red: Ravens.

Mrs. Code Red: Ravens. Again, no explanation necessary.

Chiefs (0-1) @ Lions (1-0)

Code Red: Well, the Chiefs got destroyed by the Bills. That doesn't bode well against a pretty decent (yet overrated) Lions squad. However, I want LIONS FEVER to die down soon, so I will take a chance on a Chiefs redemption. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: I will say this; Jamaal Charles will keep it close, but the Lions win in the end.

Mrs. Code Red: The Chiefs looked like absolute shit last week. Lions win.

Cardinals (1-0) @ Redskins (1-0)

Iggins!: This game will answer questions about 4 different teams. I will answer them beforehand for you: Yes, the Giants are that bad. Yes, Cam Newton is a freak of nature. No, Rex Grossman still sucks. No, the Cardinal defense isn't THAT bad. Cardinals win.

Code Red: My heart wants to choose the Sexy Rexy, but I just can't buy the Redskins yet. Cardinals win.

Mrs. Code Red: My heart can. Do yo' thang, Sexy Rexy! Redskins win.

Cowboys (0-1) @ 49ers (1-0)

Code Red: The 49ers got two special teams touchdowns to beat the Seahawks, but I just checked, and the Cowboys starting QB is not Tarvaris Jackson. Cowboys win.

Iggins!: Oh yeah, make no mistake, the 49ers are still terrible. Cowboys win.

Mrs. Code Reds: If Tony Romo can get his shit together this should be no problem. Cowboys win.

Bengals (1-0) @ Broncos (0-1)

Iggins!: I do not trust the Bengals to be anything more than the worst team in the NFL. Broncos win.

Code Red: My gut, too, tells me to go with Kyle Orton. Broncos win.

Mrs. Code Red: I too, shall trust Kyle Orton and the Broncos, even if they don't start Tim Tebow. (SARCASM). Broncos win.

Chargers (1-0)@ Patriots (1-0)

Code Red: The Chargers generally play the Patriots pretty tough, and I have nothing but spite and malice for New England. Chargers win.

Iggins!: So the Chargers almost lost to the Vikings... and they always start slow...2+2 equals Patriots win.

Mrs. Code Red: WELKAH! Patriots.

Code Red: Sigh. Her father is from Boston. The Masshole escapes sometimes. It's a work in progress.

Texans (1-0) @ Dolphins (0-1)

Iggins!: I liked what I saw from the Fins a lot (Brady can do that to a lot of teams) especially on offense. Henne has improved and is playing within himself, Reggie Bush looked like he was playing with more tenacity than he ever has in the NFL, and the defense won't be that bad again. I think the Dolphins win by a point.

Code Red: Every year you have to find some way to talk yourself into thinking a mediocre team is more than that. Last year it was the Titans. Now it's the Dolphins. I'm going with Schaub. Texans win.

Mrs. Code Red: Iggins!, Henne is one of the main reasons they didn't win. THROW TO BRANDON MARSHALL IN THE RED ZONE DAMMIT. Also, I refuse to believe I paid 67 dollars for Arrian Foster for no reason. Texans win.

Code Red: The Mrs. is also trying fantasy football this year for the first time, so you can tell from the preceding statements that her opening weekend went splendidly.

Eagles (1-0) @ Falcons (0-1)

Code Red: Its early in the season, so spite and malice are tainting all of my picks. Vick had a ton of yards rushing, but the 14/32 line passing makes me think the Old Mike Vick may not be as dead as people want to believe. Philly's O-Line is shaky, and the Falcons defensive ends actually are pretty good. Common sense and everything says Philly, but I'll take the Falcons because I just want them to win.

Iggins!: Vick was sloppy in game one, and something people haven't been talking about is that the Eagles got burned by both Steven Jackson early on and CADILLAC WILLIAMS after that. Turner is going to go nuts and the Falcons D, not to mention the Falcon fans, will get to Vick often. Falcons win.

Mrs. Code Red: Eagles because Michael Vick probably isn't that bad...yet.

Rams (0-1) @ Giants (0-1)

Iggins!: The Giants are very bad. Much worse than previously thought. Rams win and New York gets pissed.

Code Red: I'll flip the coin. Giants it is.

Mrs. Code Red: Rams, I guess. Sam Bradford is adorable.