Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Return of Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 3 Picks

You know how it goes, folks. I manage to drag back Iggins!, the reclusive co-founder of this blog, in order to insult his manhood and try to outprognosticate him. Last year I took the title, going 143-70 (85-43 NFL, 58-27 NCAA) to Iggins!' 134-79 (85-43 NFL, 49-36 NCAA). This year he's out for revenge, and it starts with today's college picks (NFL picks'll be up tomorrow):

Arkansas @ Georgia

Code Red: The throbbing armcock of Ryan Mallett is more than adequate for beating the rather punchless looking Dawgs. Armcockansas wins.

Iggins!: The SEC is a pile of suck after Alabama. It’s so bad that the number 2 and 3 teams are Arkansas and South Carolina. Jesus it’s Stephen Garcia! Anyway, Arkansas wins.

Code Red: College football in general is looking like a pile of suck after Alabama, Ohio State, Iowa, and…..Or..eg..on?

AZ State @ Wisconsin

Code Red: I'm sorry. You people probably expect more out of us when we choose the top ten college games of the week, but damn is this cupboard bare. I wish I'd been less lazy and started this last week, because that was a good slate of games. Not like this one. Since I've explained why this game is even on here, I'll now say that Wisconsin will win.

Iggins!: Wisconsin has not looked great, but AZ State isn’t much of a step up from San Jose State. Wisconsin wins.

Nebraska @ Washington

Iggins!: Washington is nice and overrated because they have an NFL prospect who has never done anything at the college level. They gonna get they ass kicked. Nebraska wins.

Code Red: This is true. I like Jake Locker (not as much as Mallet’s Armcock), but Washington has still won just 5 games in two years. Nebraska wins.

Florida @ Tennessee

Code Red: I've already gone over how backed up Florida is on offense and why it's mostly Steve Addazio's fault, but despite their shortcomings on that side of the ball their world-class defense should be enough to clamp down Matt Simms and the Vols. Florida will win, but it may not be pretty. They're going to be in some serious trouble soon.

Iggins!: Don’t fool yourself into thinking I forgot Florida when I mentioned how shitty the SEC is behind Bama. Florida is in trouble. Fortunately for them, Tennessee sucks, but this game is going to be really close. The good times are over FLA. Florida wins.

Notre Dame @ Michigan State

Iggins!: So Notre Dame doesn’t want to join the Big Ten because they’d lose rivalries… but they play 3 Big Ten teams in a row? Oh right, they need to play Navy. God I hate ND. Michigan State wins.

Code Red: Is it an even numbered year? I’ll take ND.

Texas @ Texas Tech

Code Red: Texas Tech has looked good so far in the post-Leach era, but they deserve nothing but pure boiling bile and hatred for the fact that it's even a “post-Leach” era at all. And Fuck Craig James while I'm at it too. Texas will mete out my vengeance this week. Longhorns win.

Iggins!: Yeah, now that Tuberville is coaching everyone will remember that Lubbock is a shithole and nobody wants to go there, not to mention they don’t have the talent even presently to compete without the Air Raid. Texas wins.

Code Red: We’re still in mourning, as you can tell. Mike Leach, you’ll always have a place in our hearts, you batshit sonofabitch.

Iowa @ Arizona

Iggins!: There have been under 5 teams who have looked dominant so far; Bama, OSU, Oregon, and Iowa are the four I would count as having been truly impressive and dominant. This isn’t the finicky Iowa team you’re used to, you know, the one with Drew Tate? These guys are disturbingly efficient and strangely talented. If I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, the Pac 10 is an awful conference and up against a good defense they will look like garbage. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I hate the few years that Iggins!’ homerism actually coincides with a legitimately good Iowa team. Sigh. Iowa wins.

Houston @ UCLA

Code Red: I thought UCLA would be better than the performance they turned in against Stanford last week, but they looked absolutely clueless on offense. They certainly won't put it together in time to keep up with Case Keenum and the explosive Cougar offense. Houston wins.

Iggins!: Last week Harbaugh and Luck had a strategy in place in which they would quickly snap the ball when UCLA did a mass substitution. It pissed off Neuheisel so bad I think he killed an assistant. If the guy can’t counter something simple like that without blowing up, I don’t think he has the brain cells to stop Houston. Houston wins.

Code Red: That was a dick move. And it was awesome.

Auburn @ Clemson

Iggins!: Wow. Really? I don’t even know. I know almost nothing about these two teams. But I DO know I hate Gene Chizik. Clemson wins????

Code Red: Well, that settles it for me. Auburn wins.

Baylor @ TCU

Code Red: I realize Baylor is a perennial punching bag, but they're a dangerous team with a healthy Robert Griffin at QB. TCU will win this game, but don't be surprised if the Bears give them a scare.

Iggins!: I hope Baylor wins and stops this BS talk about BYU deserving a shot at the title before it really starts. They barely beat Oregon State. Pac 10 team. But I also lost my NCAA picks by 9 games last year so I’m picking the safe bet, TCU wins.

Code Red: I think you mean Boise State, not BYU, but whatever, you’re on a roll.
There you have it, folks. It begins.

Well, This Wasn't Predictable at ALL..

Jay Cutler only found Devin Hester once on Sunday for 17 yards. But he spread the ball around and racked up 372 yards passing, tied for 4th most in team history, so surely no one would argue that he needs to work on his communication with Hester if the pass offense is somehow going to work, right?

Wrong. Sigh. God dammit, David Haugh. You're lucky I spent so much time on Morrissey last night, or else you'd get the full hack job. Let's just look at some of the garbage in Haugh's piece:

"Thankfully, nobody wasted any of Jay Cutler's weekly allotment of podium time Wednesday at Halas Hall asking him about his new favorite target.

And they said Cutler would ignore the tight end in Mike Martz's offense.

Seriously, if Cutler chose to jet to New York City to spend his off day with "The Hills'' starlet Kristin Cavallari, question his fondness for reality-TV more than his time management. He's a young, single millionaire coming off a terrific game so this was a rendezvous relevant to TMZ more than the NFL.

Now, if you want to worry about how Cutler's relationship with wide receiver Devin Hester may affect the Bears, that's harder to dismiss. Especially after Cutler's brutally honest assessment of why Hester had only one of 35 pass attempts directed his way against the Lions."

I'll just say here that I hate Jay Cutler for dating a starlet (does she really even qualify for that title?) and making it possible for Haugh to write this crap. That said, Jesus, this is a really, really lame open to an article that doesn't make any sense.

"If Devin would have gotten open I would have thrown him the ball,'' Cutler said without hesitation. Not exactly, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'' Unintended or not, the words came across more as a challenge than an explanation.

That asshole. How dare he call out Hester like that? Jeez, Jay, did anyone see you walking away after you threw him under that bus?

"We talked about this before the first game (and) it's going to be game by game who gets the ball,'' Cutler said. "Depending on what coverage … we're going to go with the matchups. They were doing some stuff to Devin, putting some guys over top of him. Devin is going to have his games. I'm not worried about that. He played really well.''

Oh wait. He actually had more than ONE LINE IN THE GOD DAMN QUOTE. Why, that sounds perfectly reasonable. If your number one receiver consistently draws double teams and leaves the others open enough to enable you to throw for 372 YARDS, well, that's pretty solid. Of course, this leaves little drama to this story, so how did Haugh explain it?

"Perhaps realizing how harsh that message may sound to Hester, one of the most sensitive players in the locker room, Cutler quickly conjured up a much less damning explanation. Though saying Hester was a punt returner masquerading as an NFL wide receiver would have been a less damning explanation."

Okay. I've listened to the tape of Cutler's quote. There was absolutely no kind of hesitation or any other indication that Cutler had to backtrack and say this to explain his first line. He didn't even pause after his first line. Haugh added that in. Even Mike & Mike in the Morning said the same thing, and at least 1 1/2 of the people in that duo are braindead. This is just the kind of shit that Jay Cutler is going to have to deal with, and it's sad.

I really can't even attempt to fisk all of the rest of this article. It's a steaming pile of contrived bullshit that Morrissey would be happy to keep on the wall of his fort at the next No Jays Club meeting.

"The Lions defense devoted extra attention to Hester for a reason: They rightfully respected his ability to break a game open more than any other receiver on the roster. As the Bears should."

Exactly. Cutler should try to force him the ball even if other guys are open, because Devin is the guy. That can't end badly at all.

"Hester then mentioned something about helping with big blocks. I don't recall incentives in Hester's contract for the number of downfield blocks thrown."

So Devin should act like a petulant dipshit and not block because that's somehow not what he's paid to do? Good for Devin for taking pride in his blocks and being incredibly diplomatic about this while this dipshit kept trying to prod him into a T.O. like outburst.

Here's a good one:

"Martz found Hester's claims of negligence more amusing than alarming."

Apparently Hester saying: "That's the way it goes — one week one or two balls, next week 15 or 20,'' Hester said. "That's what I'm hoping this week, to get my hands on the ball a little more.'' is accusing Martz of negligence. My God, what a hack.

"Cutler has his favorites and Devin Aromashodu — targeted 10 times Sunday — and Greg Olsen top that list. Why Hester never really has is a question only Cutler can answer, but as easy as the Bears quarterback made it look Sunday, it only will get easier if he develops better chemistry with Hester. Or any at all."

Oh really? Cutler has never really had a relationship with Hester? Is that why he, oh I don't know...LED THE TEAM IN RECEIVING YARDS last year and was second in catches and targets?

Alright, I'm done. Welcome to the list, David Haugh.