Monday, May 9, 2011

Killin' Time: People I Hate - Brian F*&king Griese

I'm an angry individual. People who read this site will not be surprised by this fact. On multiple occasions I've threatened all kinds of gruesome injuries upon everyone from Rick Morrissey to Todd McShay. Vitriol is what I have and I'm not afraid to use it in a meangingless blog post that will catch the eyes of maybe ten to twenty people on a good day. Hell, my most popular post, to this very day, is a a longwinded rant about Cade McNown that I penned four years ago. This is why people fear me. Some of you, however, may not understand why I hate so many people, or who I hate the most. Since it's the offseason, it's time I tie up some loose ends and explain, in detail, why the hell I hate certain people. Today I start off with public enemy number one, Brian F*&king Griese.

Why do I hate Brian F*&king Griese, let us count the reasons:

1. His stupid f*&king face:

Look at that vacant, droopy-eyed, neanderthalish gaze. That wild, untamed mess of chest hair worthy of a Greek olive merchant. A forehead so big that Shanahan used to diagram plays on it at halftime for the rest of the Broncos offense. The faint traces of unibrow that he hasn't bothered to pluck. This, folks, is one disgusting individual.

2. His total inability to push the ball down the field.
Brian Griese offered an alternative to Rex Grossman during his two years on the Bears bench, and everyone assumed, regardless of the actual information at hand, that he was some kind of Ortonian game manager who would make safe, efficient throws and allow the defense to win games. This was really just a myth that ignored Griese's own proclivity toward turning the ball over and tried to portray his lack of arm strength in a positive light. "He can't even Throw shitty pop flies like Rex can, so he's automatically better!" or something. I don't know. All I know is Brian Griese threw one deep ball in his entire Bears career, an 81 yarder to Devin Hester that required him to dip his shoulder all the way into the bowels of hell in order to get enough loft on it for it to find Devin. For the most part, however, Captain Checkdown was awesome at throwing interceptions to guys who were within his 5-15 yard comfort zone.

3. He couldn't solve the Detroit Lions. The Goddamn Detroit Lions.
The Detroit Lions are an awful waste of a franchise and managed to win just ten games in the two years that Brian Griese was a Chicago Bear. Two of those ten wins came against Griese, though. From 06-07 the Lions were 2-0 against teams with Brian Griese at starting QB and 8-21 against everyone else. Splendid. Let's look at Griese's first start as a Bear, on September 30th, 2007 in Detroit. Rex Grossman had been benched after a three interception game against the Cowboys, and dumbasses all over the world thought Griese would right the ship. Griese did the following:

34/52 (65.4%), 286 YDs, 2 TDs, 3 INTs, 5.5 YPA, 68.3 rating.

All three of Griese's interceptions came in the red zone as the Bears allowed a 13-3 fourth quarter lead to turn into a 37-27 loss. Start Kyle Orton was founded on that very evening.

But hey, it was his first start since the middle of 2005 and the guy was probably rusty. He managed to put up some decent, if misleading, statistics while going 2-1 against the Packers, Eagles, and Vikings. He even managed a nifty 90+ yard touchdown drive with no timeouts left in the final minute against Philadelphia. Kudos, Brian.

No, wait. That was all just a set up for the next nutpunch. Brian's "heroics" had gave the Bears a 3-4 record with the Lions coming into town on October 28th. Surely the Bears would notch a win and get themselves back to .500 and in the thick of the playoff race. Or....

Brian F*&king Griese would throw his fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh interceptions to the GODDAMN DETROIT LIONS. Yes, that's right, Brian followed up a 3 interception game in his first match with Detroit by throwing four more in round two at home in Soldier Field. For the season, Brian's numbers against Detroit resulted in a ghastly 3-7 TD:INT ratio, a measly 5.3 YPA, and an appalling 54.3 rating.

Maybe the Lions just had a great pass defense that year? Let's look:

2007 Lions Pass Defense: 422/602 (70.1%), 4387 yds, 32 TDs, 17 INTs, 7.1 YPA, 274.2 YPG, 96.8 rating.

If you take out Griese's 2 performances, the passer rating of Lions opponents that year goes all the way up to 102.0.

That's the Iron Curtain that stopped Brian F*&king Griese cold, folks.

3. His "Revenge":
The Bears sent Griese back to Tampa Bay after the 2007 season. Jon Gruden wanted him because he has an addiction to stockpiling mediocre quarterbacks in hopes that one of them will someday have a magical, Rich Gannon-like transformation into someone who doesn't suck. Griese had managed to overtake Jeff Garcia (no one knows how, or why) by week three when Tampa came to Soldier Field. The Bears absolutely pathetic pass rush allowed Griese to drop back 67 times without getting sacked. Griese completed barely half of those passed (38 of 67) for 407 yards, which sounds impressive until you do the math and realize that that's just 6 yards per attempt. He also threw more interceptions (3) than TDs (2) and yet the Buccaneers won the game after the Bears blew a 24-14 fourth quarter lead and gave up a field goal in OT after a Charles Tillman personal foul sustained Tampa's game winning drive. Griese then went on and talked about how much the win meant to him, like he did anything in the game that proved to the Bears that he wasn't a shitty quarterback or that they were wrong to get rid of him. Dan Orlovsky torched the Bears that year, Brian. Get over yourself.

4. He represented the end of the Bears superbowl hopes.
No, I'm not blaming Brian F*&king Griese alone for turning the 13-3, NFC Championship 2006 Bears into the 7-9, last place 2007 Chicago Bears (although they lost the tiebreaker for last place to the 7-9 Lions thanks to Brian F*&king Griese's two defeats at the hands of the Goddamn Detroit Lions), but Griese taking over for Rex Grossman meant the writing was on the wall for that team. The defense couldn't overcome the injuries it had taken, and the only hope for salvation was with a quarterback that could actually put up points consistently. Brian Griese would never be that guy.

Lots of people have asked me why I hate Brian F*&king Griese so much. He was, admittedly, nowhere near the worst QB they've had, at least according to statistics. He wasn't the total shithead or disaster that Cade McNown and Rick Mirer were. Brian F*&king Griese, however, is more than just a man. He's a symbol. He's the emblem of everything that is wrong with the "game manager" myth that's been perpetuated by morons like Trent Dilfer and every guy who loses his shit everytime Jay Cutler throws an interception. He forced me to accept that Rex Grossman had finally gone completely bust. Mostly, it was the fact that I knew from the second he took the field that I wasn't going to see a return to the Superbowl. All that matters, however, is that I hate Brian F*&king Griese, and I want you all to hate him too.