Friday, March 6, 2009

Are Your Parents Brother and Sister?



So the other day while glancing at Cubs.com, which I really only go to for game and injury updates, since the majority of the pieces there are giant heaps of fluff, I realized that they had comment sections on their articles. This intrigued me, as those who know me realize that my most hated fanbases in all of sports range thusly:

1. Packers Fans
2. Red Sox Fans
3. Yankees
4. White Sox Fans
5. Cardinals Fans.
6. The majority of all Cubs fans.

I say this, because as a person whose had to endure so many horrible Cubs teams, I hate that as the team's finally discovered direction and the importance of such things as OBP, OPS, and defense, I'm still constantly having to listen to someone explain why Ryan Theriot is the "MVP" of the Chicago Cubs. It was even less tolerable in 2007 when the kid was hitting .266 with a .326 OBP, but it still annoyed me last year, as I had to sit and listen to numerous fans explain to me why Alfonso Soriano can take his selfish .876 OPS and go fuck himself, while Ryan Theriot "ignites" the team. This despite the fact that in his two years as a Cub, the Cubs record in games in which Soriano plays is 143-101, with a .586 winning %, while their record with Theriot in that same period of time is 163-134, or a .558%. While I hate to use wins as an evaluator of a players talent (because they aren't. At all.), by the Theriot fans own metric, Soriano would appear to be more of a "spark plug." But the point of this article isn't an attack on Theriot, no sir, its my response to the comments on a Cubs.com article entitled "Bradley to DH for Cubs on Wednesday," which addressed Milton's minor quad tweak and the fact that he WOULD BE PLAYING A GAME THAT VERY WEEK. But did that stop our ledge jumping legion of Cub DOOM? Nay good sir..

From intrepid commenter "Jman1978"
"this guy's been here what? a couple weeks? i'm sick of him already..... if he worked for me he'd be fired."

Yeah, fuck that guy! He's gonna, what, call in sick with the flu? Fire his ass. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T WORK EVERY DAY. Bradley should know better than to let Cub fans down by walking out of a spring training game against the Brewers where he would have played at most two or three innings. I'm sick of this guy. Bring back Jeromy Burnitz, he played hard throughout spring training.

But even better DOOM comes from "zyles"
"Ahhh great sign Hendry. 30 million down the drain"

Actually, thanks to language in the contract, if Bradley misses significant time due to injury, its only for 2 years, 20 million, senor! But don't dare to look that up. And lets also assume that he's going to be injured for the entire length of his three year deal, its most certainly not like you're commenting on an article describing how he will be PLAYING BASEBALL THAT VERY WEEK.

Then comes "easyman," who feels the need to hijack the intelligent conversation about Milton Bradley for this diatribe:
"CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY THEY DON'T PENCIL REED JOHNSON INTO ONE OF THE OUTFIELD POSITIONS AND LET THIS GUY DO HIS THING? HE LED THE BLUE JAYS IN HITTING IN 2006 WITH A .318 AVERAGE AND THAT'S A TEAM WITH VERNON WELLS AND CO. THEY KEEP SIGNING THESE 10MIL GUYS, (FLUNK-A -DOMEY) (BAD-LEY) (O.K. HE HAD A GOOD YEAR LAST YEAR). JOHNSON DIDN'T GET ONE AT BAT IN THE PLAY-OFFS AND YOU SAW WHAT FLUNK-A-DOMEY DID. GIVE REED 600 AB'S AND HE WILL PRODUCE. WAKE UP PINELLA. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW A PLAYER AND A WINNER WHEN YOU SEE ONE. GOOD GRIEF!"

I'm frequently mocked in chat programs and shoutboxes for never using my shift key. I think gentlemen like "easyman" are proof positive of the slippery slope that can come from using such a dastardly button. But seriously, Reed deserves to start everday because he hit .318 in 2006, and that was on a team with players like Vernon Wells (.283 career avg.), or Lyle Overbay (.281), or Alexis Rios (.288), and Troy Glaus (.256). How did he manage to out hit all of those .300 hitters?? Also, the closest Reed Johnson's ever come to 600 at bats was in 2004, when he had 537, and he hit .270. With a .320 OBP. And a .380 slugging %. And his career batting average against right handers is .268. BUT HE HAD A HIGHER BATTING AVERAGE THAN "FLUNK-O-DOMEY" AND "BADLEY" HAS ALREADY MISSED A GAME IN MARCH. PLAY THE WINNARS LOU! Badley only had one good year, last year, and that was when he led the American League in OPS. Like its that impressive to lead the entire junior circuit in the most important offensive stat.

But wait, before we get carried away with these idiots, let's not that there are Cub intellectuals, like WrigleyvilleUSA, who seems to think the Spoon River Anthology is applicable here:

"yeah well...i couldn't agree with you more Rockn. people are so quick to judge from their computer chair. i can only hope the unrespectable cubs fans don't wear down bradley's psyche so much that they cause him to snap. OVER and over they used to ask me, While buying the wine or the beer, In Peoria first, and later in Chicago, Denver, Frisco, New York, wherever I lived How I happened to lead the life, And what was the start of it. Well, I told them a silk dress, And a promise of marriage from a rich man-- (It was Lucius Atherton). But that was not really it at all. Suppose a boy steals an apple From the tray at the grocery store, And they all begin to call him a thief, The editor, minister, judge, and all the people-- "A thief," "a thief," "a thief," wherever he goes And he can't get work, and he can't get bread Without stealing it, why the boy will steal. It's the way the people regard the theft of the apple That makes the boy what he is. but i doubt anyone here has the mental capacity to understand that"

I'm not really sure what he's going for here. Is he saying that if everyone accuses Bradley of being injury prone, he'll get injured? STOP HURTING MILTON WITH YOUR WORDS, PEOPLE"

But in case you were mistaken and thought those were wrigleyvilleUSA's own words, he quickly adds:
"hahahaha! oh well. now it looks like the poem i pasted is just me talking....anyway. spoon river anthology - aner clute. just google it."

Just google it, you illiterate fools! I read the Spoon River Anthology my junior year of high school. It doesn't really smack of intellectual superiority, chief. Neither does writing on Cubs.com.

But wait, time to defend the morons! In swoops "NStrublmakkr" with:

"Never insult the most supportive fans in all of sports! If I don't understand " your poetry", it's because it's nonsense. You likely know nothing of baseball and how you found your way to Cubs.com I don't know. I'm not going to google that B.S., it would insult google to do so. Here's a poem for you; the ivy is green, the cubbies wear blue, if I see you in the bleachers, I'll make a fool out of you! Not that you don't do it yourself every day. I'd think you're a whitesox fan but then you wouldn't know poetry or baseball. You sound like a liberal so you must be a Yankees fan or some other team associated with head-in-ass diseased fans! Look out for the cubs this season, they're going to blow everyone away! Learn to type, it reflects on your intelligence. How's that for judgement, there's nothing wrong with it when you are correct. GO CUBBIES!"


Now, I'm a registered Republican. I'm quite far to the right on the political spectrum you could say, but I must not really be as devoted as our friend here, because I didn't make the connection that our poet laureate must be a librul for posting the Spoon River Anthology. But hey, at least this guy wrote his own poem.

The next two pages are just back and forth hurling between these two, as NStrubblmakkr takes the approach of former HJE commenter A-Ram Baller, and starts touting his merits as a "REAL CUBS FAN" at the expense of all others. Look, I'm a die-hard fan, and its a bit insane for a kid my age. At 20 years old, I shouldn't really remember Steve Buechele or Shawn Boskie. But I do. That doesn't make me a better fan than those friends of mine who started watching in 1998, or 2001 or 2003 or even in the last two years. It's the saddest excuse in sports when people deflects someones arguments with "I'm more REAL of a FAN than you." Go read BCB. Yellon wrote an entire book about every Cub player by jersey number. Does that make him a REAL fan? If so, I'll continue to fake it.

Finally peace is made between the two by the ironically named "BleedinCubbyBlue," who pulls a
Jimmy Carter at Camp David and says:
"Gentlemen...may I? Wriglwyville and NS you both seem to be intelligent men, capable of carrying on an intelligent discussion. (but if I must nitpick, it's treading, not tredding. But no big deal) I think you're both past the point of no return on this argument, but since you are both Cubs fans, please shake virtual hands and agree that you've gotten off on the wrong foot. I'm sure in the future you'll both share some good points with each other, as you are both intelligent, passionate Cub fans. I look forward to seeing future posts from you both. - BCB"

I don't know if its just a moron who thinks thats a good name, or if its a regular contributer to the actual BCB, but its pretty representative of Herr Yellon may asking them not to fight, while elevating yourself above them with the self-described nitpick at their grammar.

So in summary, if you want to laugh at the decline of western civilization, read the Cubs.com comments. If you don't want your brain to try and crawl out of your head while trying to comprehend the arguments there, I'd stay away.