Wednesday, October 10, 2007

It Has Begun

If you haven't noticed from the last two posts, this week is officially Civil War Week at Start Kyle Orton. Fuck Iowa!

Please, God, just one more win.

Look, I've been a Hawkeye fan my whole life. Plus, I have lived my whole life in Illinois, albeit 20 minutes from Iowa. This has created in me a deep resentment for the Illini mainly because their fans are fuckin morons, spouting something about basketball whenever you talk about their football team or telling you that they "Only like the Illini basketball team."(Code Red is excluded from this group, incidentally, as he has been an Illini fan (though still annoying) his whole life)) And suddenly all those dumbshits want to hop back onto the Illini football bandwagon? Fuck them.

Honestly, if my experience is any indicator, at least seventy percent of Illini fans stopped caring, watching, and even supporting in any way their football team once Kittner left the team. The very idea that these bandwagon-loving bastards would be rewarded for their unfaithfulness with a Big Ten Title horrifies me, and, frankly, is the only reason I hope the Illini lose every damned game left on their schedule when I know they won't, and when I know their most guaranteed win left is this weekend against my Hawkeyes.

You see, Iowa fans cheer on their team regardless of how good or bad they are. We watched every damn Steve Alford era basketball game even though we knew the sunuvabitch would coach us to another disappointing year. We actually remember the shit years of Iowa football, back when we were going 2-9 on a regular basis, because we watched the damn games out of loyalty, love, and most of all because we're true fans here in the middle of nowhere. Can most Illini fans say the same? I challenge you to find a random Illini fan on the street and ask them who their starting quarterback was before Juice. Guess what? You'll either get a "Kurt Kittner" or "Baaaaaaaazzzgetballl?".

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Bazgetball?


What do the Illini's fans have to do with the team? Absolutely nothing. Juice is getting better (although he's still a little too giving with the ball), Rashard Mendenhall is amazing and Arrelious Benn is fantastic. Hell, their defense is even pretty good. I am not disputing that the Illini are a better team than Iowa. Actually I think Iowa should be at least a 20 point underdog.

But, God, Jesus, Buddha, whoever; is it just too much to ask that a fanbase be punished through their team? I see that you're already doing it to Jets fans, so I know you can do it again. You see what I see. And you know what'll happen. If the Illini end this season below .500 all their fans will magically disappear once more, muttering something about basketball and Bruce Weber not being a loud-mouthed fuckhole. And you know what'll happen when the Hawkeyes end this season 2-10. We're gonna stick around and wait til next year, God. We're not gonna abandon our team because of one or two or even five bad years because we love our team more than winning.

So basically, it all comes down to this. God, I know the Hawkeyes barely have a chance to win one more game this year. I know we're a far worse team than Illinois. But Stanford beat USC, and Appalachian State beat Michigan. Could you just do it one more time? For me? I won't ask that Todd Lickliter and the hoops team do well, I won't ask that Jake Christensen gets benched or that Jessica Alba lands in my lap. I just want one more damned win so I can have one thing to hang my hat on this year. And this'd be a mighty fine hat rack.

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BAH BAH BAH! BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH! BUM BUM BUM BUMM BUUUM BUM BUMBUMBUMBUMBUM!




Yes, folks. Its Illinois-Iowa week at Start Kyle Orton. For once I'm the one filled with possibly outrageous expectations of a Big Ten Title and Iggins! is the one nearly left in suicidal despair over the tragic/hysterical play of his beleagured Hawkeyes. Illinois is currently a 3.5 point favorite over the struggling Hawkeyes in Iowa City. This is indeed a departure from recent history if you'll look at the last several Illini-Hawkeye games..

2006- Iowa 24, Illinois 7
2005-Iowa 35, Illinois 7
2004- Iowa 23, Illinois 13
2003- Iowa 41, Illinois 10
2000-Illinois 31, Iowa 0

Yes, that's right, it's been SEVEN YEARS since Illinois beat the Iowa Hawkeyes. At this point I don't care what anybody says, most of all Iggins!, as an Illini fan, I'm not taking this one as a given until the final whistle. God I hate Iowa. I hate everything about that completely pointless state, its athletics program, the fact that their milquetoast football coach is the highest paid employee in the state, the fact that not ONE person from that entire state knows how to drive a car, the fact that every year in basketball Illinois has a vastly superior team and yet always manages to either lose or so severely play below their ability to the Hawkeyes that Iowa fans have reason to throw a "yeah, but.." in our face every damn time.
Example :

Code Red: Man, those 37-2 2004-2005 Illini had some great players.

Iggins!: Yeah, but you only beat a 21-12 Hawkeyes team by 5. IN ASSEMBLY HALL!! SOMEHOW, BY MY TWISTED LOGIC THAT BASICALLY MEANS IOWA WON! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Code Red: Fuck you!

Iggins!: Besides, college basketball is only the bastard stepchild of college football, and you haven't beat us since 2000.

Code Red: No! College basketball is the best collegiate sport!

Well folks, we all know for a fact that college basketball is in fact, inferior to college football. Please, Illinois, win this game and let me for once embrace college football and have something, anything to crush Iggins! with.

(and yes, I did refer to Kirk Ferentz as "milquetoast". But its true! I imagine a conversation between Coach Zook and Coach Ferentz being something like this...

Zook: Hey, Coach Ferentz! How the hell are you?!

Ferentz: Oh, I'm good. Took the wife to Red Lobster last night, had the uh, garlic shrimp scampi. It was...it was nice, you know, not too expensive, nothing fancy. Just a good meal.


Zook: That's fantastic! Red Lobster RAWKS! I go there all the time when I'm trying to recruit some blue chippers! Surf 'n' Turf gets the Zookster PUMPED!

Ferentz: Yeah, it's one of the wife's favorites. Like to take her there on special occassions. How are you feeling with the big season and all, looks like a good team you've got.

Zook: Could not be more EXCITED! Everything's getting BETTER and BETTER! (Bashes head into wall four times, runs off screaming).

Ferentz: What an interesting young man. )