Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Around the NFL, Week 17

Patriots 38, Dolphins 7
I admire the New England Patriots. I really do. We can all say they're evil and that they cheat and that they run up the score but in the end every single bit of it comes down to jealousy. I would cut off appendages just to have the Bears run exactly the same way. The ruthless efficiency with which they destroy teams even in meaningless games is both appalling and beautiful in its own way.

Lions 20, Vikings 13
The Lions end their season at 6-10 following their first four game winning streak since 1999. That was of course the year that Cade F*&king McNown helped to drown their playoff hopes by exploding for 300 yards and four touchdowns. That there should tell you how long it really has been since Detroit was even really mediocre. Congratulations to them, though, on picking up some momentum and possibly rounding the corner, assuming they can ever get a healthy year out of Matt Stafford.

Falcons 31, Panthers 10
You're on the clock, Carolina.

Raiders 31, Chiefs 10
The Raiders destroy the Chiefs to finish 6-0 against the AFC West. They went 2-8 against everyone else and ended up 8-8. The Chiefs were 2-4 against the AFC West and and 8-2 and against everoyne else. These numbers mean nothing, but I find them interesting.

Steelers 41, Browns 9
Damn. That mid-season stretch of not-awful play by the Browns had me feeling lukewarm about their potential to not lose 10 games next year. Now I'm not so sure. Later, Mangini.

Jets 38, Bills 7
This is what happens when you hire Chan Gailey, you get destroyed by 31 points by a Jets team starting Mark Brunell and Joe McKnight. Bills fans, you have nothing but my sympathy, but you're f*&ked until Ralph Wilson dies.

Buccaneers 23, Saints 13
Tampa, I'm really sorry. I wanted the Bears to get you into the playoffs. You're a good story, you're much less douchey than Green Bay, and you're really a fun young team to watch. Alas, it was not to be. If you're a Bucs fan you have to be excited for next year, though. I've always liked Josh Freeman, but damned if I ever thought he'd be this good this fast.

Ravens 13, Bengals 7
The Bengals are a god damned mess. Their owner is a moron who thinks he's a general manager, they're not at all sure which way to go with Carson Palmer, and they'll say good bye to Marvin Lewis, a guy who managed to turn them around for a few fleeting moments before the darkness that is that franchise enshrouded him.

Giants 17, Redskins
Sure. Now you fucking win. Thanks alot, assholes. Enjoy another year of Tom Coughlin.

Texans 34, Jaguars 17
This was apparently enough to save Gary Kubiak's job. Standards in Houston are just a tad low these days.

Cowboys 14, Eagles 13
It's not fun to be Kevin Kolb.

Colts 23, Titans 20
The Colts get the Jets while the Chiefs get the Ravens, most likely setting up an Indy-New England divisional round matchup. 'Cuz those are always f*&king fun.

Chargers 32, Broncos 28
I think the fact that Tebow played just well enough to merit a shot at starting next year is a good thing. His colossal failure will be that much more epic (and if you think his erratic three game stint this year (50.0% completions) is enough to put the egg in my face or any of his doubters, think again. I'm filled with hate. I can keep it coming for YEARS).

49ers 38, Cardinals 7
Sorry, TEC. Perhaps hidden in this year's draft is the next Jake Plummer.

Seahawks 16, Rams 6.
Well. It happened. Now if Breesus tore something and the Seahawks and Packers advanced to bring Seattle back to Chicago for a divisional round rematch, well, I wouldn't be upset.

That's all for this regular season. I'll give my take on the playoffs as we go.