Friday, October 5, 2007

START KYLE ORTON! BOLD PREDICTIONS! UNNECESSARY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Code Red: Well hello folks, we're going to start a new Friday tradition here on Start Kyle Orton, each Friday myself, Iggins!, and a selected celebrity guest will give you our best bets on the slate of college and NFL games this weekend. We will choose our NFL team guaranteed to win, or NFL guaranteed to lose, the winner of the biggest college football game of the week, and one player who will no doubt be our NFL Fantasy Pimp of the Week. Iggins! will start the round today, followed by our celebrity guest, Master Chief, of HALO fame.


Thanks for joining us Master Chief

Master Chief: Like I give a fuck, you internet loving faggot.

Code Red: And alienating your fan base already, fantastic. Now, Iggins!, on to your picks.

Iggins!: I forgot what a team that wins looks like. But I think my boy Vince Young remembers pretty well. The Falcons can’t win, and Vince Young can’t lose. It’s like… easy, isn’t it? My team guaranteed to win is Dallas at Buffalo, also, in related news, I AM FUCKIN CRAZY. My fantasy player to pick this week is Randy Moss, and get used to that, cuz he’ll be there for awhile. I’m taking Florida over LSU 35-24, the werewolf loses his dick.

Master Chief: Fuck this. I save the planet, end the war, destroy the flood and “die”, but really I’m floating around in half a spaceship somewhere and I come back to a the Bears, Chargers, and Saints all sucking more tha-

Iggins!: Whoah! Fuckin spoiler alert, man!

Master Chief: -n the Gravemind? Who I kill.

Iggins!: Dude, fuckin spoiler alert again, asshole!

Master Chief: Fuck you, cum dumpster. Anyway, I’ve saved your asses more times than I can count, and I’m gonna do it again. Gimme my gun. I’m gonna make picks based on who I wanna stick with a plasma grenade most… guaranteed to lose is… Joey Harrington. Douchebag should die, so he’ll lose. Guaranteed to win… Tony Romo. If I fragged him I’d get to shack up with Carrie Underwood. That’s a gimme. Speaking of fragging, a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick is damned awesome in my eyes. And my eyes have seen a lot of people explode, get maimed, or otherwise die in a humorous and/or incredible fashion you pussy. LSU wins 45-12. And my fantasy pick is Tom Brady. I got a grenade for each one of that fucker’s knees.

Master Chief Would Like Some

Code Red: Well thats insightful, and absolutely terrifying, analysis. Thank you both. As for myself I'm going to guarantee that Cleveland loses at New England, though thats not really even like shooting fish in a barrel, more like paralyzing said fish with a roofie/GHB/Frank Solich cocktail and wedging them into a milk jug and just dynamiting the damn thing. I'm gonna agree with Iggins!, and my guaranteed win is Tennessee over Atlanta. My fantasy pimp of the week is Brett Favre against our emaciated Bears pass defense (negative prediction equal karma boost for upset win? please?) As for Florida-LSU, I'm gonna go with the Tigers/Werewolves/it's a pelican, its a phoenix, nay a penix! over the Gators 34-24. That's all for now, I suppose, and for those of you wondering why our Friday post isn't posted until its damn near Saturday, some of us have midterms, and fuck you. Have a nice day. Oh and thank you once more for joining us, Master Chief.

Master Chief: Yeah. Woo. Merry fucking Christmas.

Well....

FUCK