Wednesday, November 28, 2007

People I hate

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who deserves to be chucked out of a helicopter directly into the spinning blades of a helicopter at a lower altitude.

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This week: Mike Shanahan, Head Coach of the Denver Broncos

Why Mike Shanahan? Three simple reasons:

1) Mike Shanahan hates Fantasy Football.
-Mike has never come out and said this but it's pretty clear. The man refuses to play who you think he will, and makes you look like a dumbass every time. Andre Hall?! Really? I bet he injured Travis Henry by himself just for the sole purpose of screwing fantasy owners everywhere.

2) He invented this ridiculous timeout 1/3 of a second before a FG thing.
-Mike was the first coach in the league to screw over one team's dreams by calling a timeout right before a game-winning FG, a trend which has become ridiculously over-used and, quite frankly, annoying. This is the ultimate dick-move, and Shanahan created it. That makes him the ultimate dick.

3) The arrogant bastard kicked the ball right down the pipe to Devin Hester.
-Obviously this helps me so I liked the move to kick the ball right to Hester, but how much of an arrogant dickwad do you have to be to say you aren't afraid of Devin Hester, Man-God, and then kick it right to the guy? Hester is a human cheat-code! In fact, I can't even do what he is doing in Madden. He is that good. You'd have to be either a dumbass or a dick to kick straight to him, and I think it is conceivable that Shanahan is both.

College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings

I was going to do this yesterday but decided at least for the day I'd let Iggins! obit for Sean Taylor be the feature of the site. Its a shame that sometimes real life ruins the nice little world of football. RIP Sean, we'll always remember you as a man who could have been one of the all time greats at his position.

Top 25 Results-
Arkansas 50, LSU 48.
Well Shit. LSU is still in my mind the most talented team, and still the team that I think would grind its way to victory if college football had a playoff system. Unfortunately we don't, and now we have to say goodbye to the hope of having any possible claim that the best team will win the national title game. Ahh fucknuts.

Missouri 36, Kansas 28
And now we have Missouri in the Big 12 title game for a shot at the national title game. Growing up as an Illini fan, I'm sworn to hate Missouri in all things. However, I am not opposed to the sheer mindblowing reality of watching the Tigers play for the national title. I mean, who the fuck saw that coming? I want this to happen, and then we will celebrate the death knell of the BCS. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

West Virginia 66, UConn 21
My feelings on WVU in the title game are pretty similar to Iggins!, though I would not go so far as to declare them my favorite QB/RB duo. (I mean c'mon, they are so 2005. Move over for the Juice/Mendenhall Asskicking Bukkake Tour of Awesomeness). I think they win the national title game really, whoever winds up opposing them, be it Missouri or Ohio State or anyone else.

Georgia 31, Georgia Tech 17
Hurrah! Georgia has finally rid Georgia Tech of Chan Gailey! Glory! Also, Georgia is a great team, and fuck Tennessee for getting ass backwards into the SEC title game. It should be Mark Richt's team in there.

USC 44, Arizona State 24
So ESPN asked today "Is USC the best team right now?" You bet. The best team with two losses. In the PAC 10. One of them to Stanford. Fuck it. Get your mouth off of Pete Carroll's cock, ESPN. They're mediocre, and a two loss LSU team would rape a two loss USC team so hard that angels will cry.

Virginia Tech 33, Virginia 21
ACC. But nice job, one of you finally scored 30 points.

UCLA 16, Oregon 0
Tough break for the Ducks. I recommend that any Oregon fan hunt down any particular bloggers who vehemently touted Dennis Dixon for Heisman, thus jinxing him and ruining their season.

Oklahoma 49, Oklahoma State 17
Oklahoma's a team of Grown Men! They dropped 40 on us! Wow, that was a bad rip on Mike Gundy. I apologize. I'm not that clever. Either way, too bad Mike Leach and his pirates pretty much crushed your title hopes last week, Sooners.
In celebration of that loss two weeks ago that I didn't write about because I was busy with school work before Thanksgiving break, here's a video for the Texas Tech Red Raiders


You are a pirate.

Florida 45, Florida State 12
Tebow should have sealed the Heisman with this game. He now sits at 51 touchdowns. 51. In the SEC. If you don't vote for Tebow, you pretty much have a blackened derelict wasteland of a soul and should die a traitor's death.

Texas A&M 38, Texas 30
I've been saying all year long that Texas sucked ass, but here they were at number 13. How did they respond? They lost to lame duck Coach Fucking Fran. I hate Texas. I remember back in NCAA 06, Iggins! was playing franchise mode against Texas, and after Vince Young left in the game, Texas had nothing but slow white quarterbacks and yet still ran the Vince Young zone read offense, and thus was easy to defeat. Now in real life the same thing has happened. Ha.

Hawaii 39, Boise State 27
Colt Brennan throws for 5 td passes to break Ty Detmer's NCAA career td passes record. Let us remember Ty always, though, for his oddly shaped beak-nose, his stringy blonde hair, and the way he warmed our hearts as America's Backup in his NFL days. Colt Brennan, the torch hath been passed. In honor of Ty, however, here's a brief photo history of his days as back up quarterback for 5 illustrious NFL franchises.

Green Bay
Philadelphia
Cleveland
Detroit
Atlanta
Always a bridesmaid...

Boston College 28, Miami 14
ACC

Tennessee 52, Kentucky 50
Yeah, I already cursed Phil Fulmer's eternal luck for having a team thats been beaten by 30 points or more twice, and has given up at least 40 points 5 times, back its way into the SEC title game, where it will no doubt be bashed once more by LSU, out for vengeance after losing their national title spot. Fuck Phil Fulmer.

Clemson 23, South Carolina 21
ACC/Disappointing Spurrier

BYU 17, Utah 10
BYU's ranked? When the fuck did that happen?

Cincinnati 52, Syracuse 31
Syracuse scored 31. Awesome. Cincinnati is somehow still ranked. I hate the BCS. Playoffs?

Auburn 17, Alabama 10
Didn't recover quite so fast from that tragedy, did we Coach Saban? If you were president after 9/11 we'd be hunting for Bin Laden in Luxembourg.

Top 25
1. West Virginia
2. Missouri
3. LSU
4. Kansas
5. Georgia
6. Virginia Tech
7. Ohio State
8. Oklahoma
9. Florida
10. USC
11. Hawaii
12. Arizona State
13. Illinois
14. Boston College
15. Tennessee
16. Clemson
17. Oregon
18. Wisconsin
19. Auburn
20. BYU
21. Boise State
22. Virginia
23.South Florida
24. Arkansas
25. Texas Tech