Thursday, November 29, 2007
Regardless of all that, Hollinger's continued use of the (oh this is original) play on words, "unbeara-BULL" reminded me of my early childhood, a place only battle-hardened war vets would survive. I present to you my favorite childhood cartoon, and frequent user of bad plays on words including Bull (i.e. LuvvaBULL, TerriBULL, BULLoney), The C.O.W.boys of Moo-Mesa:
Sheriff Moo Montana, bringing back childhood memories
Honestly, this thing is a joke. I wish I could complain that the matchups are unfair, but they really aren't. The ACC puts it's best teams against ours, and they put their worst teams against ours. The result has been the same for nine years: violent sodomy at the hands of the East Coast.
As a Big Ten fan, this is hard for me to say, but it needs to be suggested: change this thing into the ACC/Big East challenge. Really, the Big Ten just can't compete from top to bottom with the ACC. The ACC is a basketball centered conference, and the Big Ten is more of a football conference. The Big East has 16 teams, not only giving them a bigger chance of having teams who can compete, but fielding basketball-centered schools like Louisville, Cincinnati, UConn, and Syracuse.
The event is torture to watch every year, especially this year for me because the Hawkeyes refuse to pass, shoot, and manage the game intelligently. Aside from Petersen the entire team's mindset is basically this:
"BALL!!! BALL!!! OOOOOH PRETTY! DRIBBLE RUN DOWN COURT! DRIBBLE DRIBBLE PASS TO COVERED MAN! BALL INTERCEPTED? ME NO WANT DEFEND! the other team scores BALL AGAIN! RUN DOWN COURT DRIBBLEDRIBBLE!! TAKE SHOT WHEN DOUBLE TEAMED!!! MISS?!!? ME NO WANNA PLAY DEFENSE!!!"
which makes the entire game a giant exercise in futility. In short, the ACC has more talent, better coaching and better tradition/recruiting than the Big Ten. Just change the Big Ten with the Big East. Then I might be interested.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
This week: Mike Shanahan, Head Coach of the Denver Broncos
Why Mike Shanahan? Three simple reasons:
1) Mike Shanahan hates Fantasy Football.
-Mike has never come out and said this but it's pretty clear. The man refuses to play who you think he will, and makes you look like a dumbass every time. Andre Hall?! Really? I bet he injured Travis Henry by himself just for the sole purpose of screwing fantasy owners everywhere.
2) He invented this ridiculous timeout 1/3 of a second before a FG thing.
-Mike was the first coach in the league to screw over one team's dreams by calling a timeout right before a game-winning FG, a trend which has become ridiculously over-used and, quite frankly, annoying. This is the ultimate dick-move, and Shanahan created it. That makes him the ultimate dick.
3) The arrogant bastard kicked the ball right down the pipe to Devin Hester.
-Obviously this helps me so I liked the move to kick the ball right to Hester, but how much of an arrogant dickwad do you have to be to say you aren't afraid of Devin Hester, Man-God, and then kick it right to the guy? Hester is a human cheat-code! In fact, I can't even do what he is doing in Madden. He is that good. You'd have to be either a dumbass or a dick to kick straight to him, and I think it is conceivable that Shanahan is both.
Top 25 Results-
Arkansas 50, LSU 48.
Well Shit. LSU is still in my mind the most talented team, and still the team that I think would grind its way to victory if college football had a playoff system. Unfortunately we don't, and now we have to say goodbye to the hope of having any possible claim that the best team will win the national title game. Ahh fucknuts.
Missouri 36, Kansas 28
And now we have Missouri in the Big 12 title game for a shot at the national title game. Growing up as an Illini fan, I'm sworn to hate Missouri in all things. However, I am not opposed to the sheer mindblowing reality of watching the Tigers play for the national title. I mean, who the fuck saw that coming? I want this to happen, and then we will celebrate the death knell of the BCS. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
West Virginia 66, UConn 21
My feelings on WVU in the title game are pretty similar to Iggins!, though I would not go so far as to declare them my favorite QB/RB duo. (I mean c'mon, they are so 2005. Move over for the Juice/Mendenhall Asskicking Bukkake Tour of Awesomeness). I think they win the national title game really, whoever winds up opposing them, be it Missouri or Ohio State or anyone else.
Georgia 31, Georgia Tech 17
Hurrah! Georgia has finally rid Georgia Tech of Chan Gailey! Glory! Also, Georgia is a great team, and fuck Tennessee for getting ass backwards into the SEC title game. It should be Mark Richt's team in there.
USC 44, Arizona State 24
So ESPN asked today "Is USC the best team right now?" You bet. The best team with two losses. In the PAC 10. One of them to Stanford. Fuck it. Get your mouth off of Pete Carroll's cock, ESPN. They're mediocre, and a two loss LSU team would rape a two loss USC team so hard that angels will cry.
Virginia Tech 33, Virginia 21
ACC. But nice job, one of you finally scored 30 points.
UCLA 16, Oregon 0
Tough break for the Ducks. I recommend that any Oregon fan hunt down any particular bloggers who vehemently touted Dennis Dixon for Heisman, thus jinxing him and ruining their season.
Oklahoma 49, Oklahoma State 17
Oklahoma's a team of Grown Men! They dropped 40 on us! Wow, that was a bad rip on Mike Gundy. I apologize. I'm not that clever. Either way, too bad Mike Leach and his pirates pretty much crushed your title hopes last week, Sooners.
In celebration of that loss two weeks ago that I didn't write about because I was busy with school work before Thanksgiving break, here's a video for the Texas Tech Red Raiders
You are a pirate.
Florida 45, Florida State 12
Tebow should have sealed the Heisman with this game. He now sits at 51 touchdowns. 51. In the SEC. If you don't vote for Tebow, you pretty much have a blackened derelict wasteland of a soul and should die a traitor's death.
Texas A&M 38, Texas 30
I've been saying all year long that Texas sucked ass, but here they were at number 13. How did they respond? They lost to lame duck Coach Fucking Fran. I hate Texas. I remember back in NCAA 06, Iggins! was playing franchise mode against Texas, and after Vince Young left in the game, Texas had nothing but slow white quarterbacks and yet still ran the Vince Young zone read offense, and thus was easy to defeat. Now in real life the same thing has happened. Ha.
Hawaii 39, Boise State 27
Colt Brennan throws for 5 td passes to break Ty Detmer's NCAA career td passes record. Let us remember Ty always, though, for his oddly shaped beak-nose, his stringy blonde hair, and the way he warmed our hearts as America's Backup in his NFL days. Colt Brennan, the torch hath been passed. In honor of Ty, however, here's a brief photo history of his days as back up quarterback for 5 illustrious NFL franchises.
Always a bridesmaid...
Boston College 28, Miami 14
Tennessee 52, Kentucky 50
Yeah, I already cursed Phil Fulmer's eternal luck for having a team thats been beaten by 30 points or more twice, and has given up at least 40 points 5 times, back its way into the SEC title game, where it will no doubt be bashed once more by LSU, out for vengeance after losing their national title spot. Fuck Phil Fulmer.
Clemson 23, South Carolina 21
BYU 17, Utah 10
BYU's ranked? When the fuck did that happen?
Cincinnati 52, Syracuse 31
Syracuse scored 31. Awesome. Cincinnati is somehow still ranked. I hate the BCS. Playoffs?
Auburn 17, Alabama 10
Didn't recover quite so fast from that tragedy, did we Coach Saban? If you were president after 9/11 we'd be hunting for Bin Laden in Luxembourg.
1. West Virginia
6. Virginia Tech
7. Ohio State
12. Arizona State
14. Boston College
21. Boise State
25. Texas Tech
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
At times like these there are very few things that can be said. Early in his career, Sean was a notorious rule-breaker, and got into trouble often. But from all accounts- his teammates, his coach, his girlfriend, and his family- he had changed drastically when his child was born. He was a new person, a kind and loving father, a family-man, and a leader in the locker room. Some of his teammates looked up to him as something of a father, and all of them looked to him as a leader. At 24, he was one of the most impressive safeties in a league blossoming with great talent at that position. He dominated in every aspect of the game and in his life. For it to be cut so short is beyond tragic. His death hurts not only his family, not only the Redskins, not only the NFL, but all people who love football. I know that every time I watch a Redskins game until the end of the year all I will be thinking of is how Sean played the game, never leaving anything on the field. The NFL won't be the same without him. The saddest thing of all is that he was not killed doing what he loved, but by a coward with a gun. Sean is survived by his girlfriend and one year old daughter. He will be missed.
R.I.P Sean Taylor:
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Matt Serra herniates a disc in his back! Due to this Georges St. Pierre will take his place to fight Matt Hughes at UFC 79. The interesting part of this is that, even though Serra holds the title, this will be a title fight between Hughes and St. Pierre, or rather an interim title fight. The winner will hold a tenuous separate title from Serra and will face Serra in a consolidation match in 2008. Honestly this fight didn't really lose anything. St. Pierre is a great fighter and he hates Hughes too. Serra defeated St. Pierre to win the welterweight title.
The Bengals are beating the Titans, the Vikings are up by 17 on the Giants, and Chase Daniel did not die last night. In fact he made a pretty strong case for the Heisman (but Tebow still wins it unless Daniel wins against Oklahoma and throws 6 TDs in the process). In other news, the world caved in on itself.
West Virginia is FINALLY going to the national title game, praise be to Jebus. Pat and Steve have been the best QB RB duo in the nation for the last 3 years, and I couldn't be happier to see them in the title game against Mizzou/OSU. ed. wow. If you type "Pat White" into google image search it comes up with a message that says "Try also: Steve Slaton"
Speaking of the BCS, it is TOTALLY FUCKED. Ohio State has a damned good chance at making the title game. News flash: They Suck. The entire Big Ten is pretty damned bad. OSU would be defeated by at least 12 other teams in the nation every time. However, to be honest, the SEC and Pac 10 don't really have bitchability here; there isn't a one loss team among 'em.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
His name is Jacques
has woken up and is quite obviously hungry for man-flesh. I plan on running for my life for the rest of today and sleeping until the Bear's game tomorrow. Commentary to follow. Here's a quick-hit list:
-Arkansas and Texas A&M both beat top 15 opponents, but their coaches are still both getting fired. Sorry, Houston.
You should noddafyuddaorgeronYAWWWWWW
-Basketball has forsaken me this year. I look forward to a cold, cold, cold winter.
-YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Hello again, pitiful mortal fools. If you are lucky enough to be reading this it means my blades have yet to TEAR ASUNDER your skull... yet. Once again I return to speak on behalf of the sport closest to my heart, but still A MIGHTY DISTANCE from it, the UFC.
If you are blind, weak in body and mind, or a little BITCH then you had no idea that UFC 78 occurred this past weekend. And, AS PREDICTED by myself, the God of War, it was BORING, SLOW, and MEANINGLESS. The two main fights would not have been AIRED at the upcoming UFC 79, more on THAT later. These are the things I learned from UFC 78:
1) Bisping is a BITCH and a TERRIBLE FIGHTER who DOES NOT BELONG in the Light Heavyweight division. However, dropping down to the 185 lb division will not help him EITHER. Anderson Silva is akin to Bruce Lee, Tony Jaa, and a TORNADO. When he dies I shall raise him on high and make him a GOD.
2) Rashad Evans IS NOT much better. Neither are in the top 5 light heavyweights in the world or the UFC. The UFC continues to say that fighters from their reality show are good. How about you let them FIGHT PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T ON THE SHOW?! Rashad Evans LOST to Tito Ortiz were it not for a FENCE GRABBING incident. Forrest Griffin is the true ULTIMATE FIGHTER, why not give HIM a title shot? He beat SHOGUN you pitiful mortal, Dana White. At least give him a NUMBER ONE CONTENDER match with the winner of LIDDELL v. Wanderlei SILVA.
3) Houston Alexander needs GROUND SKILLS. The man is a BEAST on his feet but a TURTLE on it's BACK... on his back. Might I suggest fighting GRIZZLY BEARS and killing THREE A DAY while only LAYING ON YOUR BACK with a FIVE HUNDRED pound KOALA BEAR on your chest?
Dan Henderson will drop to 185 to fight Anderson Silva:
Dan Henderson holding the belts he used
to possess before Rampage RAPED and
PILLAGED them from him.
Dan Henderson has announced that, instead of attempting to fight to earn a REMATCH against man-God Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, he will LOSE WEIGHT and drop to 185 so he may face (in UNHOLY BATTLE) Anderson Silva. You may recall that I previously mentioned Anderson Silva as being Bruce Lee, Tony Jaa, and a TORNADO rolled together. Allow me to add VOLCANO, VELOCIRAPTOR, and MURDER MACHINE to those. This is a good move for fans because there is NOBODY in the middleweight division who could stand TWO MINUTES in the ring with Silva. This is a BAD MOVE for Dan because he is going to GET HIS ASS KICKED.
The upcoming event, UFC 79, should make up for the BOREDOM that UFC 78 bestowed upon me. Honestly, 78 was SO BORING that I personally killed FOUR HUNDRED MEN and IMPREGNATED THEIR WIVES with TWINS just to relieve the TENSION. Here are my PICKS for the three big matches at 79:
Lyoto Machida vs. Rameau Sokudjou
This was a recently announced match but also a GOOD match. Sokudjou will win, but I have NO WAY to back up that claim, for I have NEVER SEEN HIM FIGHT. However, I have seen Machida fight, and he is NOT GREAT.
Verdict: Sokudjou by TKO in 2nd round
Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell vs. Wanderlei "Axe Murderer" Silva
My blood BOILS in anticipation of this LONG AWAITED battle. This match has been discussed for YEARS but has never materialized UNTIL NOW. Liddell has been beaten TWICE IN A ROW now, however it is likely he was SLEEPING on Keith Jardine. Liddell has wanted this fight for YEARS and he will capitalize on his chance here. Now how about a Liddell vs Griffin match to see who gets Rampage NEXT?
Verdict: Liddell by TKO in 3rd round
Matt Serra vs. Matt Hughes (For the Welterweight Title)
These two men HATE each-other like the FRENCH hate VICTORY. Even the weigh in for this match might end in DEATH. When the fighting starts I do not expect this match to go beyond the second round, no matter who wins, for their BLOOD HATRED should deal a FINISHING BLOW long before they get to round 5. My pick is MATT SERRA because I, too, hate Matt Hughes.
Verdict: Serra by KO in 2nd Round
and these are my top ten light heavyweights:
1) Quinton "Rampage" Jackson (The Champion)
2) Forrest Griffin (If you DEFEAT number 2 then you BECOME number 2)
3) Mauricio "Shogun" Rua
4) Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell
5) Wanderlei Silva
6) Keith Jardine (Liddell is still better. Whereas Shogun lost to Griffin because Griffin was better, Jardine beat Liddell and Griffin because they were sleeping on him.)
7) Rameau Sokudjou
8) Rashad Evans
10) Houston Alexander (He will acquire a ground game)
Monday, November 19, 2007
Look, I know you've been mostly ignorant of my letters up until this point, despite the sage advice I continue to offer but let me make one thing clear. You are 4 and fucking 6. Your team sucks. You have nothing left but a remote chance at the playoffs and have nothing left to lose. You know what you do when you have nothing left to lose Coach? You throw caution to the wind and you throw the mother fucking ball.
Do you see this man here, Lovie? He is the man we call the Sex Cannon, and right now the barrel is cracking and that mother fucker is ready to explode. His contract is running up, he's playing for his future in the NFL, he has nothing left to fear and an arm that can pump a football through a Russian tank. Let him unleash the beast coach. Your offensive line has proven time and again that they won't block for Benson (except for yesterday in the first half, but nice job to pull Benson and put in Peterson right after Benson had just run the ball twice for 63 yards. Yeah, that didn't fuck with the rhythm at all), so you have no run game. Your secondary has proven that it won't stop any quarterback with an arm, so you're left with one option: Go Deep. Throw that ball all over the fucking field. Either put up forty points or die trying. Don't go down quietly, running for 2 yards and punting away whats left of the season. The odds are we're fucked whether we do or don't, so let's go down swinging. Lets use three WR sets every time with G-Reg and tight end. Lets go deep damn near every down to Hester, Rashied, or Berrian. Let us follow bravely the words of America's greatest president, that guy from Independence Day.
"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind.
Mankind -- that word should have new meaning for all of us today.
We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore.
We will be united in our common interests.
Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution -- but from annihilation.
We're fighting for our right to live, to exist.
And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:
"We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on!
We're going to survive!"
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"
Its time to launch the greatest aerial fight in Bears history, Lovie. Fight for your right to live on. Unleash Rex.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Benson runs 11 times for over 85 yards
Benson in the second quarter and second half (Why, Lovie? Why?)
Berrian catches everything
Downfield passes being called
5 offensive linemen
Any semblance of defense
30-23 Seahawks win.
-I come out and praise Matt Ryan's amazing performance versus VaTech, and the next week the guy gets rocked by a very bad Florida State team. I mean really bad. Seriously, folks, FSU sucks. So nix this guy's Heisman chances. So for a couple weeks I didn't pick a Heisman candidate. Then I quite publicly pick:
-and so his knee goes pop and not only does he drop from the Heisman race, his team loses a title shot. Needless to say I'm concerned. But not too concerned to use my newfound power to crush someone elses Heisman chances. What a terrible night for a curse:
-HAHAHAHA. Chase Daniel is my new Heisman candidate. (What? I want Kansas to go undefeated.)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
If that’s the case with all quarterbacks, it probably feels like math class never ends for Kyle Orton. The 2005 fourth-round draft pick started 15 games as a rookie after Grossman broke his ankle in the preseason but hasn’t played a single snap in the past two seasons.
Kyle Orton was selected by the Bears with the 104th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft.“It’s been hard,” Orton said. “You just keep your nose down and keep coming to work and trying to prepare like you’re going to play. When it doesn’t happen and the next week comes around, you just do the same thing. It’s not an easy situation to be in, but it’s just what it is.”
Despite the inactivity, Orton feels that he’s a better quarterback now than the one who completed 51.6 percent of his passes for 1,869 yards with 9 TDs, 13 interceptions and a 59.7 passer rating in 2005. Backed by a strong defense and running game, he compiled a 10-5 record as a starter as a rookie, helping the Bears win the first of two straight NFC North Division titles.
“I’m two years older,” Orton said. “I’m two years better. Physically, I’m in better shape. Mentally, I’m a better player and I throw the ball better. I’ve had two years to be able to improve and hopefully I get the chance to show it some time.”
Brian Griese participated in practice Thursday on a limited basis after sitting out Wednesday’s workout with a sprained left shoulder he sustained in last weekend’s win over the Raiders.
If Griese is unable to play Sunday in Seattle—a decision will come later in the week—Orton would serve as Grossman’s backup. Regardless, the former Purdue star will be ready if needed.
“I prepare every week like I’ll see the field,” Orton said. “I haven’t been able to play yet, but if the opportunity comes, I’ll definitely be ready and play well.”
The story of Cade's journey with the Bears begins before the 1999 NFL draft. The Bears were one of the teams looking to cash in on the 1999 Quarterback Crop, which was supposed to provide the next generation of great NFL quarterbacks. The crop was compared to the 1983 quarterback class which featured Dan Marino, John Elway, Jim Kelly, and Jim O'Brien. Heading into the 99 draft Kentucky's Tim Couch, Oregon's Akili Smith, Syracuse's Donovan McNabb, UCLA's McNown, and Central Florida's Daunte Culpepper were all touted as first round picks and sure-fire NFL stars. Smith, McNabb, Culpepper and McNown were featured on the cover of ESPN the magazine
Cade, the only white quarterback on the cover, looks ridiculously out of place in that picture with his powder blue UCLA jersey and surly toeheaded apperance. God, I hate him. I hate him so much.
On draft day, as expected, Couch went number one overall to the Browns, McNabb went at number two to the Eagles, Smith went to the Bengals at three, Culpepper went to the Vikings at
11, and McNown went to the Bears at number 12. As of the 2007 season, only McNabb and Culpepper are still in the NFL, only McNabb is with the team that drafted him, Smith is a Canadian Football League backup, and Couch and McNown are not playing at all.
Erik Kramer was supposed to be the starter until McNown was ready, but he was cut before training camp, as the Bears had every intention of letting McNown win the starting job. In the first asshole move of many, Cade held out throughout training camp, and Shane Matthews was given the starting job, though first year head coach Dick Jauron promised that McNown would play at least one series every game to accumulate experience.
The 1999 Season
Jauron stuck to the plan for the first five games of the season as a red-hot Shane Matthews propelled the team to a 3-2 start and McNown looked solid, if not spectacular, in his one series per game. Matthews pulled his hamstring, however, late in the fifth game of the season at Minnesota and the door was open for the beginning of Cade's Hell.
Cade started the sixth game of the season against Philadelphia, the first of his many losses as a starter for the Bears. Cade followed that loss with an embarassing 9 of 23 passing performance in another loss against Tampa, and with the Bears at 3-4, Jauron tried to start the gimpy Matthews in the next game against Washington, but Matthews again aggravated the hamstring injury, and Cade finished the game, which the Bears lost in blowout fashion thanks in no small part to Cade's 3 interceptions. Cade then started the next week's game against Green Bay, but was injured in the first half and replaced by Jim Miller, who rallied the Bears to their miracle win dedicated to the memory of Walter Payton, who had died earlier in the week.
Jim Miller then started the next three games for the Bears, rolling up huge passing numbers and winning two of three before being suspended for taking a banned over the counter substance. Cade then started the last three games of the season, passed for 300 yards and four touchdowns in an impressive win over Detroit, then followed that with two mediocre games against St. Louis and Tampa Bay, both losses. Cade finished his rookie season having played in 15 games, starting 6 games and going 2-4 in those starts. Cades stats for the year were as follows:
127 of 235, 1,465 yards, 6.2 ypa, 8 tds, 10 ints, 66.7 QB rating.
All in all, one would suppose those weren't bad numbers for a rookie, but in reality, of his 15 games, the 1 good one was against Detroit, the other 14 ranged from decent to absolutely horrendous.
The 2000 Season
Before the 2000 season, Cade "won" the starting job in a battle vs. Matthews and Miller, in a competition that many felt was rigged in favor of the youngster. The season began well statistically for Cade, as he rolled up 290 yards passing, 87 yards rushing, and a combined 3 touchdowns against Minnesota in the season opener. Over the next six games, however, McNown regressed to the bad form he had shown throughout most of his rookie season, refusing to set his feet, overthrowing his receivers, and showing a general lack of arm strength that had concerned Bears fans since before the draft. The Bears went 1-6 in their first seven games under Cade, as fans chanted for Jim Miller each week. Coach Jauron stubbornly stuck by his young quarterback, despite his unpopularity with fans and his own teammates. What Jauron failed to do, however, Cade's own weak shoulder did for him, as he left the team's eighth game against Philadelphia with an injury to that area after getting sacked.
Miller took over and nearly rallied the team to a win, though he fell just short. Miller would play well in his three starts, winning two of them, before being injured himself and replaced with Shane Matthews. Matthews started five of the teams last six games, going 3-2 but playing badly enough that Jauron gave McNown one final start against San Francisco, a game where Cade was an appalling 9 of 29 passing. Cade's final line for the 2000 season:
154 of 280, 55% comp., 1,646 yds, 5.8 ypa, 8 tds, 9 ints. 68.5 QB Rating
Bringing Cade's two year totals as a Bears player to
25 games, 15 starts with a robust 3-12 record. 281 of 515, 54.6% comp., 3,111 yds, 6.1 ypa, 16 tds, 19 ints, 67.7 QB Rating.
But Cade's statistics are not the sole reason why we hate him. You'll actually notice that, for the most part, they aren't that bad, especially in comparison to the other quarterbacks on this list. But while its true that Cade's numbers are mostly deceiving because of the 2 or 3 great games he had, which balanced out his 23 bad to godawful games, the main reason we hate Cade is because he is possibly the biggest dickhead in the history of the Chicago Bears. Note the following reasons:
Feuds with Teammates:
-When asked about his poor performance in one game in which he badly overthrew his receivers on multiple occasions, Cade suggested that his wide receivers maybe were just "too tired" to catch up to his passes.
-Cade openly admitted that he did not prepare very well before his miserable game against San Francisco in 2000, and was unapologetic about this fact.
-Multiple Bears players were reported to have gone to Coach Jauron before the 2000 season finale against Detroit to tell him that they would not play if Jauron started McNown over Shane Matthews.
Feuds with the Law, Press, and Fans:
-Cade was once investigated by the FBI in a possible point-shaving scandal while at UCLA.
-Cade was charged and plead no contest to illegally using a handicapped parking permit while at UCLA.
-After being booed after yet another terrible game, Cade announced to fans that if they "want to boo, they can just stay home". Not a popular move among management.
-Cade once plowed over a camera man while running out of bounds during a game, helped him up, then walked back to the sidelines and informed his teammates that he helped said reporter because "I had to make it look like I cared"
Feud with Tim Couch:
-At a party shortly after the draft in 1999, fellow rookie quarterback Tim Couch introduced Cade to his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar. Cade then stole Kozar from Couch after sending her flowers on multiple occasions and buying her a Porsche. Fear not for Tim, though. Once Kozar realized the bag of douche Cade was, she left him and returned to Tim. They are now married. Here's a picture of Mrs. Couch for good measure:
Thankfully after two years the Bears had had enough, and traded Cade to the Miami Dolphins for a seventh round draft pick. Cade spent the 2001 season on the bench as the Dolphins 3rd stringer, and then was traded to the 49ers, where he also spent the season on the bench as a 3rd stringer before being cut before the 2003 season. Since then Cade has stayed out of football, biding his time before dying and going to hell.
Cade is, unfortunately, not entirely gone, at least not in the hearts and minds of Bears fans forever haunted by his terrible attitude and quarterbacking. Many of us winced on draft day when Rex Grossman was picked and announced that he would wear the #8 jersey once worn by Cade. Even the rare sightings of Cade merchandise can send Bears fans into a panic, as Iggins! and I once discovered one day while he was cleaning out his closet, when we discovered a Cade jersey and a Bears hat signed not only by Cade, but also by 1st round Bears runningback bust Curtis Enis. Iggins! dropped the hat as both of us recoiled in fear, but we so far have been unable to destroy it for fear of the evil it would release upon the world, and also so that might it serve as a warning of what might be when first round picks go wrong.
I fucking hate you Cade.
Henry Burris is slightly different than most other candidates on this list because, well, for unexplained reasons, I just like Henry Burris. He seemed like a talented, viable young prospect who might have potentially been an NFL success if given the time and proper coaching. No part of the last sentence was true. Henry was the best passer in the history of Temple University, a school that hasn't had a winning record since 1990 nor gone to a bowl game since 1979. Henry then went to the Canadian Football League, where his scrambling ability and strong arm made him an ideal player for that league. In 2001, Henry signed with Green Bay Packers, spent a year floating between their practice squad and third string, then was cut without ever seeing in NFL playing time. The Bears then followed their age old tradition of "he wasn't good enough for Green Bay? Well, give him a shot here then" and signed Henry before the 2002 season. After watching what was left of Jim Miller's right shoulder and Chris Chandler lead the team to a 4-11 record through the first 15 games with Henry seeing spot duty in five of those games, fans finally prevailed upon Coach Dick Jauron to start Henry against the soon to be Superbowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Memorial Stadium. In what people in the football business term "an unmitigated disaster", Henry was hammered all night long, threw four interceptions, and the Bears lost by the uncomfortably bad score of 15-0. Henry was cut shortly thereafter. He returned to Canada, where he has led the Sasketchewan Roughriders and the Calgary Stampeders to the playoffs in four consecutive years, and his games occasionally appear on Comcast Sports Net late at night in the summer, typically prompting either Iggins! or myself to see them and text the other with "Holy Fuck! Crazy Legs on CSN!"
Henry's Line: 6 games, 1 start, 18-51, 35% comp. percentage, 207 yds, 4.1 ypa, 3 tds, 5 ints, and a spectacular 28.5 quarterback rating.
-One other Henry Burris story of note, during my sophomore high school football season, my football team went on a weekend retreat, where games of Madden 2003 were played on an epic stage. In one game late that night, my head football coach, a Packers fan, and our defensive coordinator, a Bears fan, squared off in a game in which the HC's Packers knocked out both Jim Miller and Chris Chandler, forcing our DC to play the 45 overall rated Henry Burris against a 12-4 Madden Packers team. To the surprise and glee of all, Crazy Legs managed to rally the Bears from a 21-7 halftime deficit and win the game 28-21. Viva Crazy Legs!
#4- Kordell Stewart
Do not be confused, Henry Burris and Kordell Stewart are two distinctly different players despite their similar appearance and propensity to wear #10. Henry Burris was a wildly innaccurate passer who utilized his scrambling ability ineffectively and was a sad excuse for a quarterback. Kordell Stewart was all of those things as well, but was paid more and is rumored to be gay. So, see, there's a difference. Kordell was drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1995, and earned the nickname Slash during his rookie season as he was used as a quarterback, runningback, and wide receiver throughout the season and was a widely popular player in that role. During the 1996 preseason Kordell was given the chance to compete for the Steelers starting QB job, but lost the competition to Jim Miller, who he would ironically replace in Chicago. After Miller and Mike Tomczak combined to suck for Pittsburgh in 96, Kordell was named the starter for the 1997 season and threw for 21 touchdowns to lead Pittsburgh to an 11-5 record and a trip to the AFC title game. After that, however, Kordell showed the inconsistency that would eventually run him out of the league, and never again approached his numbers of 1997, although he did manage to lead Pittsburgh back to the AFC title game in 2001, and threw three interceptions in that loss. After a slow start to 2002, Kordell was benched for...guh...Tommy Maddox and was cut after the season. The Bears, apparently enamored with the idea that Kordell could be a Michael Vick type quarterback (that was considered a good thing back then) signed Kordell in April 2003 to a $4 million deal and named him the starter over crippled Chandler and rookie Grossman. Kordell then started the first 5 games of the 2003 season, going 1-4 in those games, throwing 4 tds versus 7 interceptions and playing bewilderingly bad. The Bears also used the genius mind of offensive coordinator John Shoop to devise special plays for Kordell, including my favorite, the play action quarterback draw. For those of you not familiar with the verbiage, play action is designed to fake a run and then throw a pass, thus drawing in the linebackers close to the line of scrimmage so one can then throw over them. A play action quarterback draw meant that Kordell drew the linebackers in, then ran right at them. The play usually ended thusly:
With the pictured tackle taking place about four yards in the backfield. After the 1-4 start, Kordell was benched, but managed to appear in 4 more games with two more starts after injuries to (imagine this) Chris Chandler and (also suprising, I know) Rex Grossman, and the Bears went 2-2 in those 4 games, bringing the Bears record in games played by Kordell to 3-6.
Kordell's Line: 9 games, 7 starts, 126 of 251, 50.2 % comp., 1,418 yds, 7 tds, 12 ints, 56. 8 QB rating.
#3- Jonathan Quinn
Take a long look at that photograph. For you are gazing upon the visage of the least talented quarterback in Chicago Bears history. No one in their right mind can explain why Jonathan Quinn has ever set foot upon an NFL field. The man is the anti-Rex Grossman, and not in the safe, good way that so many want. This man could not throw the ball downfield if his life depended on it. Any pass that was not a wide receiver screen, half back screen, or dumpoff pass was beyond the capabilities of young Quinn. Quinn was also the most indecisive quarterback known to mankind, staring down his receiver until the last second, then either getting sacked or throwing the ball into the stands. Unintentionally. Quinn's statue like pocket presence was in fact the origin of Iggins! father's famous declaration that "the Bears favorite play must be the Dropback-and-get-sacked."
Quinn came to the Bears before the 2004 season following the hiring of Lovie Smith as head coach. Lovie named Kansas City Chiefs quarterbacks coach Terry Shea as the offensive coordinator, and Shea brought with him a ridiculously long and complicated playbook and also recommended that the Bears sign Quinn as their backup. Not surprisingly, Shea was fired after the 2004 season for being a fucking moron. After Rex Grossman started the first three games of 2004 and performed well in the vertical pass based offense before getting injured against Minnesota, Quinn finished the game against the Vikings missing badly on all three of his pass attempts on the final drive. Quinn then started the next three games against Philadelphia, Washington, and Tampa Bay, going 0-3 and forever burning in the minds of Bears fans just how horrible quarterback play really can be. Quinn was then benched for Craig Krenzel, proving the time tested theory that if Craig Krenzel is a better option than you, you should just quit. When Krenzel got hurt in a Thanksgiving game against Dallas, Quinn came in to play the second half and went 10 of 21 for 86 yards, no touchdowns and 2 interceptions in two quarters of play that no Bears fan probably watched. Quinn was cut after the 2004 season, and I cried hot tears of joy.
Quinn's Line: 5 games, 3 starts, 51 of 98, 52% comp., 413 yds, 4.2 ypa, 1 td, 3 ints, 53.5 QB rating.
#2- Rick Mirer
Rick Mirer holds the unique distinction of being one of the only players in NFL history to have been a first round bust for two different franchises. Rick was drafted number 2 overall by the Seahawks in the 1993 NFL draft after a stellar career at Notre Dame. He was touted as the next Joe Montana, but as we know, that label is usually a curse (see Stenstrom, Steve). Mirer then started all 16 games as a rookie for the Seahawks in 1993, and the majority of their games through the 1996 season, and was a disaster, throwing for 41 touchdowns vs a whopping 56 interceptions. Not to be deterred by four years of evidence to the contrary, then Bears head coach and douchebag Dave Wannstedt decided to trade his first round draft pick in 1997 to the Seahawks for the troubled Mirer. Thus making Mirer a bust worthy of two first round picks. The Bears then signed Mirer to a 3 year, $11.4 million dollar deal that still ranks as one of the worst in franchise history. Before the 97 season the Bears named Mirer the starter the day he was acquired, but were forced to backtrack as former starter Erik Kramer was healthy and clearly outplayed Mirer in every way in training camp and the preaseason. Wannstedt declared Kramer the starter, but remarked that Mirer would start when he was ready.
"Ready" for Mirer apparently meant "as soon as we're 0-3 and there's no reason why not", and after going winless the first three weeks, Mirer started the next three games of the season against New England, Dallas, and New Orleans. Mirer went 0-3 in those games as the Bears were outscored 78-23 and Mirer played absolutely atrociously, looking scared at all times, heaving duck passes left and right and scrambling erratically at the first sign of trouble. Mirer was cut after the Bears finished 1997 4-12, and the painful nightmare was over for Bears fans.
Rick's Line: 7 games, 3 starts, 53 of 103, 51% comp., 420 yds, 4.1 ypa. 0 tds, 6 ints, and his miraculous 37.8 QB rating
By the way, yes I am an Iowa student, and yes there were cops outside Hillcrest. I can't be sure that the entire campus feels the level of shame I do, but it seems like they all expected this. That makes me sick.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
#10- Chad Hutchinson
Chad was signed by the Dallas Cowboys in 2002 as the first of two Jerry Jones attempts to sign failed baseball players that were mediocre college quarterbacks and make them into NFL stars. That doesn't make sense you say? Well, welcome to the mind of Jerry Jones. Chad started 9 games after taking over for Quincy Carter as Cowboys starter in 2002 and went a robust 2-7. When Bill Parcells took over in Dallas, he tolerated Chad's surfer boy demeanor and deer in the headlights style of quarterbacking for all of one season as a backup and then cut him. After Rex tore his ACL in the third game of the 2004 season, Chad signed with the Bears and spent the next seven games trying to grasp the vast and ineffective playbook of Terry Shea. After a surprisingly amazing game against the Vikings in his first start where he threw for over 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, Chad then went 0-5 the remainder of the season against powerhouses such as the Houston Texans and Detroit Lions, barely averaging 5 yards per attempt, and making Bears history (by that I mean what I can remember) by scoring a miraculous 5 points against the Texans in a 24-5 loss. After Devestating Rex Injury #2 in the 2005 preseason, Chad was handed the starting job and managed to lose it after two preaseason starts, culminating in a 1 for 13 game against Buffalo, leaving Lovie to make the obvious (and therefore surprising) move of naming rookie Kyle Orton the starter and cutting Chad.
Chad's Line: 6 games played, 6 starts, 92 of 161 passing for a 57% comp. rate, 903 yards, 4 tds, 3 ints,a 73.5 rating and a meager 5.6 yards per attempt.#9 Steve Stenstrom
Coach, I finally found that end zone dealy you were talkin about. Now what do I do with the ball?
Steve marks the second Stanford quarterback to make this list (also is only the 2nd quarterback. Stanford sucks). Bill Walsh coached Steve at Stanford during his second college coaching stint and made the remark that he considered him the second coming of Joe Montana. In reality, he was the second coming of Steve Fuller. Steve spent four years with the Bears from 95-98, but was only given the opportunity to start in his final year. He started seven games and went an impressive 1-6. After finally giving him the opportunity to suck all four quarters, the Bears were disappointed in their Mini Montana and released him. San Fransisco then picked up Stenstrom, believing that playing for the same team as Montana would unleash his inner wonderboy. They were wrong.
Steve's Line: 13 games, 7 starts, 123 of 214, 57 % comp., 1,359 yds, 6.4 ypa, 4 tds, 8 ints, 67.1 QB rating.
Chris "Chandelier" holds the distinction of being Brian Griese before Brian Griese. Before the 2002 season the Bears beat out several teams for the insurance policy of having Chris Chandler at quarterback, as he had just been run out of Atlanta after being replaced by the young Michael Vick. Boy, what a deal the Bears got in this one. Chandler managed to be even more fragile than the porcelain Jim Miller, and the repeated injuries to both enabled such illustrious quarterbacks as Henry Burris and Kordell Stewart (don't worry, they're coming) to start games for the Bears. But Chris isn't here just for letting crappier quarterbacks onto the field, he did a fine job of sucking on his own when he was "healthy" enough to play. In his two seasons with the Bears Chris started 15 games, and went a healthy 5-10 in those starts. He also had the most hilarious male pattern baldness known to man, and was the fastest person I've ever seen at switching from helmet to sideline caps the numerous times he was benched.
Chris's line: 17 games, 15 starts, 210 of 353, 59% comp., 2,073 yds, 5.9 ypa. 7 tds, 12 ints, 68.6 rating.
#7- Peter Tom Willis
I'm Peter Tom Willis, and I Sucked So Bad in the NFL no one took my picture.
Peter Tom Willis, or PT, was a very efficient and popular quarterback at Florida State in the late 1980s, and still holds the Florida State record for passing efficiency at 148.1. However, all Florida State quarterbacks are no talent hacks who are lucky to make mediocre backups in the NFL. Peter was unlucky in that he wasn't mediocre. He sucked. The Bears drafted PT in the 3rd round in 1990 hoping to use him as a solid backup to Jim Harbaugh after the departure of Mike Tomczak. For two years, PT was just that, as Mike Ditka refused to start him in 1990 or 1991 no matter how many times Bears fans became fed up with the sometimes poor play of Jim Harbaugh. In 1992, with the Bears sinking in an eventual 5-11 season, Ditka finally benched Harbaugh after 12 games and started PT in weeks 14, 15, 16. PT went 1-2 in those starts before being benched for rookie Will Furrer in the season finale. The Bears kept PT around for the 1993 season, and the dazzling combo of head coach Dave Wannstedt and the terrible play of Harbaugh in his final season in Chicago gave PT one final chance to start for Chicago. He failed.
PT's Line: 21 games, 4 starts, 104 of 183, 57% comp., 1,261 yds, 6.9 ypa, 6 tds, 15 ints, 54.9 QB Rating.
Craig Krenzel was the starting quarterback for Ohio State during their 2002 national title run. He is what most people would call the prototypical caretaker quarterback. His right arm was designed to hand off and throw screen passes. In the Bears quarterback evaluation process, that makes him NFL-worthy, and the Bears drafted Craig in the 5th round of the 2004 draft to serve as the third stringer behind Rex Grossman and Jonathan Quinn. After Grossman was injured and Quinn..we'll get to that later, Craig was given the chance to start in week 7 of the 2004 season. Despite being absolutely atrocious as starting quarterback, Craig managed to win his first three NFL games because of stellar play by the defense and special teams, and the fact that his first three opponents went a combined 15-33 that season. Craig and the Bears then lost his next two starts, the last one against Dallas resulting in an injury to Craig's hand or foot or something that landed him on the IR for the rest of the season. I'll give Craig's regular stat line in a minute, but I want you to consider something, in 6 games as starter Craig threw six interceptions and had four fumbles. thats 10 turnovers in 6 games, while throwing only 3 touchdowns. So if you thought Rex and Brian were turnover prone, imagine the turnovers without any production to counterbalance it. There's Craig.
Craig's Line: 6 games, 5 starts, 59 of 127, 46% comp., 718 yds, 5.7 ypa, 3 tds, 6 ints, 52.5 QB Rating.
Bottom 5 to come later in the day or tomorrow.
Let's dissect the defintion from the Heisman site:
"At the insistence of the DAC officers he organized and set into motion the structure and voting system to determine the best collegiate football player in the country"
At no point in said description does it ever use the word individual. Inherent in the emboldened phrase above is the idea that the best player must also be the best teammate. He must be upheld to the highest standards of athleticism, teamwork, professionalism, and winning. Tim Tebow may be the most talented Div. 1 football player in the country (disputable, but for the sake of argument I will allow it) but he is not the best team player in the country. He has proven unable to lift his team above top-tier competition by himself on three seperate occasions.
In the same time frame, God-being Dennis Dixon has lost a mere single time, and he lost because the referees flipped a coin and decided to turn a touchdown into a touchback. Tim Tebow, on the other hand, was involved in only 1 game in which he had no control over the final outcome, against LSU. Let's explore the other two games:
Auburn (20) @ Florida (17)
Tim Tebow's line:
20/27, 201 yds passing, 1 TD, 1 INT
19 rushes, 75 yards, 1 TD
-Tim Tebow posts a clearly subpar line, especially for his standards, at home in the most intimidating stadium in college football, and his team pays the price. This loss falls squarely on Tebow and the offense's shoulders: having to score more than 20 points at home should not have been difficult for a guy who normally posts 300 yard, 4 TD games.
Georgia (42) vs. Florida (30)
Tim Tebow's line:
14/22, 236 yds passing, 1 TD, no INTs
13 rushes, -15 yards, 2 TDs
-Once again, very conservative numbers for the baby rhinocerous. The -15 yards rushing and 2 TDs may be good if you're a fantasy owner, but not if you're a teammate, or a U of FLA fan.
As I said, the LSU loss is entirely excused because 1) LSU is the number one team in the nation and 2) The Florida defense allowed LSU to convert 3 4th downs on the final drive. In Dennis Dixon's one loss he went 31/44 for 301 yards with 1 TD and 2 INTs, unless you count the final touchdown that should have counted. In the LSU game, Tebow went 12/26 for 158, 2 TDs, and 1 INT, and ran for 67 yards on 16 carries.
If we take out games that their respective teams should have won, Tebow didn't play well in 2 of his team's biggest games, and Dixon has yet to play poorly in a loss. If we count every game regardless of how the game was won, Tim Tebow has lost all three of his team's games while Dennis Dixon has lost only one of his team's.
The Heisman trophy goes to the best player in every aspect of that word. The player must be a talented athlete, must be a fearless leader, must be the most valuable player on his team, and most importantly must win games for his team. Dennis Dixon has proven time and again that he is the best player in the country.
You don't have to believe me. But you certainly should not believe a man who would suggest that Riddick, aka Vin Diesel is on his side. He is most definitely not. Red is a constant slanderer of everything Vin Diesel, which not only makes him a woman, it makes him UnAmerican. Lying about Vin Diesel's affiliation is bad, but it doesn't end there.
Riddick is pissed
Jessica Alba hails from California, affiliating her with the Pac-10 conference. Clearly she supports Dennis Dixon. Ronald Reagan was the 33rd governor of California, thus affiliating him with the Pac-10 as well. Bruce Willis is from Germany, and he doesn't give two shits or a fuck about the Heisman. Jesus loves America, and because of that, he must love Dennis Dixon. Allow me to revise the list of people who want Tebow for Heisman:
-millions of illegal immigrants
And Dennis Dixon's list?:
-although Stacy Kiebler was originally born in Baltimore and was a Ravens cheerleader, she lives in Los Angeles, affiliating her with the Pac-10 and America's candidate, Dennis Dixon.
-Tarantino was born in Knoxville, Tennessee. While California has no problem supporting a Pac 10 candidate from Oregon, Tennessee has a very large problem with supporting an SEC candidate from Florida. If I have to tell you why, you clearly need to watch more college football.
Vote for Dennis Dixon, America.