Sunday, January 13, 2008

Observations*

IOWA IS TEH UBER BETTER than the Illini. My proof? Iowa now has a conference win AND a win over #6 Michigan State! How, you ask, could Iowa have possibly beaten MSU while only shooting 28% from the floor? Two words: Lickliter Magic. Magic that the Illini clearly do not have.

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Never underestimate the power of bad ballers in large groups.

Which brings abut my next point, which is this: Bruce Weber is a dick and a terrible coach. Riding off of Bill Self's recruits will only get you so far. I hope every Illini fan who ever had the pleasure of listening to me tell them how bad a coach Bruce Weber actually is is currently crying somewhere for Bill Self to return. BWAHAHAHA I HATE THE ILLINI.

Jim Kelly's son is destined for greatness, having won TWO Punt, Pass, and Kick contests in a row. Hopefully he becomes a successful NFL QB and I can root for another Kelly. Also, hopefully he can win at least 1/4 Super Bowls. ZING!

Yes, I still hate the SEC.


-Kratos tomorrow.

*Now with more hatred for one's home state than ever!!

By the Gods

(Roughly one year ago, in a room filled with fire and darkness.)

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Peyton: Goshdarn is it hot in here. I wish I hadn't decided to come all formal... I must have pit-stains down to my balls. Golly jee! When is he gonna get in here?

Door opens behind Peyton. In walks:

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Satan, ruler of darkness, lord of the underworld: "Peyton! I was just betting with God on how long it'd take you to get your ass in here! But, fuck me, here you are, not an hour later. Looks like I win, douchebag! (brazenly flips bird upwards. somewhere God is frowning)


Peyton: "Miroslav Satan? Well, I'll be. I always had my suspicions, but you're really the devil himself?"

Satan: "I'm also Corey Patterson, Big and Rich, and Drew Neitzel."

Peyton: "You slick son-of-a-gun."

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Yes, he HAS been at MSU forever.

Satan: "Flattery ain't worth shit, son, so let's get down to business! You want to sell your soul for a Super Bowl run?"

Peyton: "In a way, sir. I'd like to propose a good-ol' proposition, if it pleases the unending void of evil standing before me."

Satan: "Fuck, whatever, hit me with it."

Peyton: "Instead of selling MY soul for a Super Bowl win, I'd like to sell my brother Eli's"

Satan: "Oh, now that is some FUCKED UP shit there, boy. This is some straight up Berserk shit. Why the hell would a choir-boy like you want to sell your brother to Satan?"

Peyton: "He's just so goshdarned aggravatin' to watch! It's more painful than watchin the Bears! I feel I'd be doin society a favor."

Satan: "Hmmm. Alright, fuck it, I accept. But selling someone elses soul only works for one year! After that, you're back to goin at the playoffs by your lonesome, asshole."

Peyton: "Deal."

ONE YEAR LATER

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Peyton: "Goshdangit. I shoulda sold Marvin."