Thursday, March 13, 2008

Roster Spot 18- CF- Felix Pie #20
Ht: 6'2'' Wt: 170 Bats: Left Throws:Left

Oy...my balls
For today's preview of the Cubs top position player prospect and current front runner for the center field starting job, I decided to interview Felix Pie himself.

Code Red: So, Felix, tell me why you merit the starting job over Sam Fuld or a trade acquisition, say, Coco Crisp?

Felix: Mang, have you ever seen Sam Fuld hit a ball? No, you ain't. I'm hittin .329 this spring with two homers.

Code Red: But last year in the majors you only managed a .215 average with a .271 obp.

Felix: Yeah, and Sam managed a .000. Woop ti fucking do. And Coco Crisp? That guy hit .268 and struck out 85 times with a mediocre .330 obp, better than my numbers, yeah, but this team needs another right-handed hacker like I need another twisted testicle.

Code Red: So you feel you deserve the starting job in center?

Felix: Yeah, I mean I'm a top prospect, I've spent four full years in the minors, hit well at every level, and have played well this spring. Oh, and I ALMOST LOST A F&%KING TESTICLE FOR THIS TEAM! Come on! Did you Hear the description of what I had to have done? "The surgery involves sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall. The Cubs said it was a minor procedure, and if the problem was not corrected soon, Pie would risk losing the testicle."Mother fucking SEWING my nut. SEWING! I got my nuts sewed for this team! I mean shit, what would you do if Grandma came in with her knitting needles and told you you could play major league centerfield, but she had to weave your boys into a scrotum quilt! I did that for this team! and they called that a minor procedure? Are they calling the risk of me losing my sack a minor risk or are they just saying my boys are minor, because neither's true damnit.

Code Red: Ok I can see this is a "teste" subject for you..

Felix: Oh, you're fucking hilarious man, yeah, you're great. Man, fuck you.

Code Red: So how do you respond to those people who say that with your strikeouts and low obp and the fact that you wear the same number that you're really just the second coming of Corey, I'm sorry, Korey Patterson.

Felix: Corey Patterson? That bitch? Man I am leagues ahead of that guy. Literally, leagues, as in AA and AAA. Corey played 2 1/2 season in the minors and didn't hit above .261 after A-Ball, then got shot ahead to the majors. I've spent almost 6 full season in the minors and I never hit below .283 at any level, and had a .300 career average. My obp in the minors? .355.
Corey's? .334. Last year in the majors I had a 3:1 strikeout to walk ratio as a rookie. Corey's rookie year? 5.5:1 and his career for a whole is 4.6:1. Alright, yeah, I had a little trouble hitting as a rookie, but man give me a fucking chance.

Code Red: Well you certainly make a compelling argument for the starting job Felix. How do you feel about Ronny Cedeno taking some innings in center field this spring to possibly be your backup?

Felix: Cedeno? Ronny Cedeno? Christ, that guy's so retarded I saw him sniffing his jock the other day and sticking his tongue in there out of curiosity. I'd send him to Baltimore even if they don't send Roberts back.

Code Red: Felix, you have my vote.

Felix: Thanks, mang.