Killin' Time: My 20 Favorite College Football Players, #20-11

I've spent the last couple weeks wasting some time by railing against Brian F*&king Griese and Trent Dilfer. Sure, the vitriol was exciting and cathartic, but today I've decided to make a brief departure from rants and focus on a topic that brings me great joy: College football.

Now, this is a football blog, and I touch on college football frequently, although to nowhere near the extent that I focus on the NFL and the Bears. You've probably picked up that I'm a fan of the Fighting Illini. One of the things I love about college football, however, is that I'm nowhere near as attached to Illinois as I am to the Bears. Whereas Illinois is certainly my favorite team and I've followed them even in the darkest of days, I can actually flip to a more interesting game when Illinois is getting destroyed, something I can rarely make myself do in the case of the Bears. This has allowed me to watch hours upon hours of college football from all different conferences and teams, and in my lifetime I've had a few players that I've truly enjoyed watching, all for different reasons. So, since this intro is taking long enough already, here are the first batch of my #20 favorite college football players of my life, with the reasons why I love them:

#20: Reggie Ball, QB, Georgia Tech 2003-2006
I'll begin right here by saying that not all of the players on this list were actually good players. Part of the reason why college football is so awesome is that it's not as monolithic and as personality-less as the NFL, and players aren't all held to the same standard. Terrible players will sometimes stick around for a long time, even though no one knows why. Reggie Ball was one of those guys. I love Reggie Ball for a number of reasons. 1) He's still the reason I laugh whenever someone says Chan Gailey is a "Quarterback Guru," 2) He was the worst four year starter at QB in the history of the sport. 3) He was an idiot.

Reggie started out great at Georgia Tech, throwing for nearly 2000 yards as a freshman and winning ACC Rookie of the Year in 2003. Then the next three years happened, where he never again completed even half of his passes (49.7, 48.0, 44.4), had just one year with more TDs than interceptions, lost to rival Georgia four straight times, and yet he was never even remotely challenged for the starting job. He was like the college version of the NFL version of Rick Mirer (yeah, that makes sense) and just kept getting opportunities and regressing every step of the way.

The best Reggie Ball moment? Well, if it wasn't him finishing his career by losing to Georgia for the fourth time, losing the ACC Championship game, and getting suspended for his final collegiate bowl game, it was the 2004 Georgia game, where Reggie earned the nickname "5th Down Reggie" by intentionally throwing the ball out of bounds to stop the clock...on 4th down.

So Reggie Ball, you make the list because you continued to play QB and ambush some pretty talented GT teams when everyone in the country but Chan Gailey knew you should have been converted into a wide receiver your sophomore year. You're the reason I laugh when I realize that Chan Gailey is an NFL head coach. You were awful, and yet awesome because of it.

#19. Jehuu Caulcrick, RB, Michigan State 2004-2007
This one's going to be short and sweet. I love Jehuu Caulcrick because he was enormous, his name sounded like a Lovecraftian Old One, he was always underutilized by the mono-digit IQ'd John L. Smith, and he led to one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite rants of all-time, this guy, losing his shit on the radio after Michigan State blew a big lead and lost to Notre Dame in 2006:



If you have the time, I strongly encourage listening to both parts of this epic rant. If you don't just start playing part 2 as he screams that "JEHUU CAULCRICK WAS A GOD DAMN BOWLING BALL" and complains about Smith giving carries to Javon Ringer while he emphatically states "NOTRE DAME WANTED NO PART OF JEHUU CAULCRICK". Excellent stuff.

Yeah...that's the kind of stuff that'll get you on this list.

#18. Ron Dayne, RB, Wisconsin 1996-1999
There are all kinds of quarterbacks who get derided in the draft as being "system" guys. Mostly spread QBs. Their numbers are hollow because of the system and the number of attempts and the kinds of throws blahblah. I love Ron Dayne because Ron Dayne finally gave runningbacks the equivalent to a system QB. We know now that Ron Dayne was just the first fatass in a long line of bowling balls to gain huge yardage behind the beefy Wisconsin O-lines built by Barry Alvarez and Brett Bielema (see P.J. Hill and John Clay), but then? My God, he was amazing.

Dayne finished his career as the all-time leading rusher in NCAA history after gaining 6,397 yards rushing as a four year starter (along with 63 (!) career rushing TDs) and closing it out with the 1999 Heisman Trophy. He was a monster. I used to love watching undersized college safeties try to tackle him. Plus, this was back when Wisconsin had only recently stopped sucking all the time, so you rooted for them since they weren't Ohio State and Michigan. I thought for sure that Ron Dayne would win 4-5 rushing titles with the Giants and would send that baldheaded freak Tiki Barber to Canada. That didn't happen, sadly, because it turns out he was just fat and slow and ran behind an offensive line that could propel a one-legged geriatric to at least 500 yards rushing. But I'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation once, Ron Dayne.

17. Chris Weinke, QB, Florida State, 2000
I liked Chris Weinke because he was a 28 year old senior who had failed as a minor league pitcher, had a drastically receding hair line, emerged for one year and absolutely destroyed college football. Despite my hatred of Bobby Bowden, it was hilarious and awesome to watch a guy pushing 30 as he threw for 33 TDs and 4000+ yards on his way to being the oldest Heisman and national title-winning QB ever. The fact that he went to the NFL, won his first game as a 29 year old rookie, and then lost his next 17 straight starts over the next five years made it even more hilarious. Oh, Chris. You were one of the great absurdities of college football, and I'll always appreciate that.

16. Timmy Chang, QB, Hawaii, 2000-2004
Timmy Chang was great because he was an Asian Ty Detmer, and apparently there was a need for one of those. Timmy broke almost all of Detmer's passing records in June Jones' Run'n'Shoot offense at Hawaii (yeah, June Jones is Still running the Run'N'Shoot) despite having no certifiable talent at throwing the football (much like Ty Detmer, actually). Chang ended up with 17,072 career passing yards on a whopping 2436 attempts. The best part? The only other NCAA record Chang set was his 80 career interceptions, since his senior year was the only one where didn't throw at least 20. His TD totals for his four full seasons (he had an injury-shortened redshirt sophomore year) were pretty pedestrian for a guy with as many attempts as he had (19, 25, 29, and finally 38). He didn't even receive so much as a look as a third quarterback in the NFL, as the Cardinals, Lions, and Eagles all cut him in training camp. He went on to post some incredibly mediocre numbers as a starter in the now-defunct NFL Europe and in the CFL. Simply put, he set a bunch of records solely because he was there and June Jones was going to have somebody throw it 600 times a year. The fact that half the people reading this article could have done exactly what Timmy did is the very reason why he's on this list.

15. Rocky Harvey, RB, Illinois 1998-2001
The first Illini to make this list, Rocky was a speedster who may have underperformed somewhat based on the high expectations generated from his first game as a freshman (he rushed for 215 yards vs. Middle Tennessee), but was always the speedy half of a platoon with Steve Havard and then Antoineo Harris and was a home run threat every time he touched the ball. He finished his career with over 3200 yards from scrimmage and 22 career touchdowns. Illinois has had some great bruising runningbacks in my day (Harris, Mendenhall, and LeShoure especially), but Harvey was one of the few burners that I remember watching excitedly every time he touched the ball. Also, his name sounded like a detective from a 1930s noire film, so I hope he's doing well in his post-football career as a vigilante.

14. The Texas Tech QBs of the Mike Leach Era, 2000-2009
This is the spot I'd actually give to Mike Leach if he were a player, but his interchangeable parts at QB will have to do. Mike Leach was one of, if not the, foremost minds behind the spread offense and his particular brand, the Air Raid, made Tim Couch into a star at Kentucky, won a national title for Oklahoma, and then revitalized the Texas Tech program. Whereas I can rightfully crtique Mike Martz for abandoning the run in the NFL, the wide open nature of the college game means that it's nothing short of badass when Leach racks up a 69-3 pass-to-run ratio in a game (yes, it happened, although the box score eludes me) and is still throwing deep up 52-21. Yarr. Craig James managed to get Leach fired by complaining about Leach's treatment of his son (who by all accounts is a royal asshole who is lying through his teeth and actually had fewer receptions and yards under Leach's replacement), but I'll never forget the way he could plug in a totally different warm body at QB and lead the nation in passing, which he did with Kliff Kingsbury (2002), B.J. Symons (2003), Sonny Cumbie (2004), and Graham Harrell (2007-2008). Two of the top three leaders in career passing attempts in NCAA history are Leach players. Six of the top ten passing attempts in a season are Texas Tech QBs (Symons (719), Harrell (713), and Kingsbury (712) are #1,2,3). Mike Leach, I miss you, you crazy sonofabitch. Someone will give you a shot, and I will be watching.

13. J Leman, LB, Illinois, 2004-2007
J Leman was a tackling machine for the Illini who had over 130 tackles in each of his last two seasons, to go along with 8 1/2 career sacks and 6 career forced fumbles. He was too slow for the NFL and hasn't managed to escape the practice squad, but he was an All-American and the heart and soul of the 2007 Illini squad that went to the Rose Bowl. During the Illini upset of Ohio State that year, ABC played a video from an interview with J Leman in which he called himself "king of the jungle" and explained that the Illini defense's mentality could be compared to a "pack of 11 hyenas." He had big hair and big personality, and for all of his lack of talent, he was far more productive than the five-star one year wonder that was Martez Wilson. He's also an American hero.

12. Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas, 2005-2007
This one's self-explanatory if you ever watched him at Arkansas. Darren shredded SEC defenses to the tune of 4,590 yards and 41 touchdowns rushing in three years despite splitting carries with Felix Jones. He also added 365 yards and 2 TDs receiving and he threw for SEVEN touchdowns while completing 14 of 22 career pass attempts in the WildHog. He threw a very mediocre Arkansas team on his back and dragged them all the way to the SEC Title Game, all while attempting to save Houston Nutt's job despite Houston's refusal to help himself. Darren's finally healthy and finally living up to the hype in Oakland, but I'd remember his dominance in Fayetteville regardless.

11. Tim Couch, QB, Kentucky, 1996-1998.
My love for Mike Leach actually began with Tim Couch's reign at Kentucky. Of course, back then we had no idea that it was system that was so great, we just thought Couch was amazing and that they threw the ball 500+ times a year because of that fact. Couch was awesome for his last two years at Kentucky. He dragged an absolutely moribund Kentucky football program out of the depths and took them to their first bowl game in years. He shattered SEC records that weren't topped until Tim Tebow came along. He seemed to be the prototype of everything you could want in a quarterback. I still remember watching him and Peyton Manning trade blows in the 1997 Kentucky-Tennessee game as they racked up a combined 999 yards passing and 8 TD passes. Tennessee pulled a way late to make it a 59-31 blowout, but the game was much closer and much more exciting than the score indicated for much of the afternoon. Tim left early to be the #1 pick in the 1999 NFL draft, and we all know how that ended up, but his Kentucky tenure introduced us all to an offense that would revolutionize football and was exciting as hell to watch, even if we misdirected the credit.

Oh, and if you want my passionate defense of Tim Couch's NFL career, go here.

Start Kyle Orton Roundtable- Week 4 College Picks.

Darryll, go shut this Iggins! kid up.

The co-founder of this site, Iggins! has graciously agreed to return weekly for a round of predictions and smack talking. We've picked some of the top college football games at random and then every NFL game, and we shall see who comes out on top. Without further ado, let it begin:

#4 Ole Miss vs. South Carolina

Iggins!: I really, REALLY think Ole Miss is overrated, and this is an in conference game against an above average opponent away from home, but... well Spurrier has let me down in these situations with SC too many times. Ole Miss wins.

Code Red: I’m one of the ones overrating Ole Miss, but I love the Rex Grossmanish flair of Jevan Snead. Spurrier can appreciate the gun slinging. Ole Miss Wins.

Fresno State @ #14 Cincinnati

Iggins!: Hey look! It's two teams Illinois inexplicably scheduled this year (evil laugh). If Cincinnati goes undefeated through the Big East do they get into the title game? Does anybody care? Cinci wins.

Code Red: God damn you, Ron Guenther. Why must you schedule three potential bowl teams as your non conference slate? Cincy wins.

USF @ #18 Florida State

Iggins!: Popular pick for an upset, but I think they'll win just so they can let FSU fans down later. FSU wins.

Code Red: I’d have taken USF had they not just lost quarterback Matt Grothe for the season. And he is a beast from da Big East. FSU Wins. God damn I hate Bobby Bowden

#22 UNC @ Ga Tech

Iggins!: Georgia Tech will win because the ACC is a cesspool of mediocrity and UNC isn’t good. GT wins.

Code Red: Georgia Tech will rebound with the upset. Because I love the wishbone and I shall use the force of my will to bring them back into the rankings. Also, did you know John Shoop is UNC’s offensive coordinator? He has to find a way to fuck this up.GT wins.

#6 Cal @ Oregon

Iggins!: Jahvid Best is a scary bastard and Oregon confuses me with their shittiness. Cal Wins.

Code Red: Jahvid Best vs. Legerroute Blount, two great runn—oh wait, I forgot Blount is off the team for a weak ass sucker punch. CAL.

#9 Miami FL @ #11 Va Tech

Iggins!: Normally I’d hate to pick Miami, on the road against conference rivals… but wow Va Tech is boring. Miami can’t be held under 21 points and I don’t think Va Tech can score 21 against them so I’m saying Miami wins.

Code Red: This is interesting. Miami is legit, and Jacory Harris is beyond terrifying. But they’re not quite top ten yet. I really think VA Tech is. So I’m taking Beamer and defense over Jacory’s afro of power. Va Tech wins.

Illinois @ #13 OSU

Iggins!:This is difficult because Illinois is so unpredictable and OSU is so incredibly predictable. OSU played better than USC for the entire game and somehow lost. It could happen again, but I’m taking the safe bet and assuming Ron Zook will fuck up. OSU wins.

Code Red: Sigh. Ohio State.

#15 TCU @ Clemson

Iggins!: I love Clemson for no reason. But I also know they love blowing close games, and I think this’ll be another instant classic in a bad way. TCU wins.

Code Red: TCU is a solid program that makes very few mistakes. Clemson is its typical inconsistent train wreck. No one would favor Clemson here, which is while they’ll do the crazy ass Clemson thing and win. Clemson wins.

#24 Wazu @ Stanford
Iggins!: Washington isn’t good. USC is just not good too. Harbaugh ftw and the letdown! Stanford wins.

Code Red: I completely agree. I love Jake Locker, my tiny west coast Tebow, and while I’d like to see him keep Washington on a roll, its time for Harbaugh to make his move. Stanford wins.

Iowa @ #5 Penn State

Iggins!: I expect to be berated for this pick, mainly because I attend the University of Iowa, but hear me out. Darryll Clark is not a good quarterback. Royster is an okay running back. Iowa’s defense is good enough to shut them down. That being said, PSU’s defense is good enough to shut Iowa down too. This game will be incredibly boring, but Iowa will win because Clark does something stupid. Iowa Wins.

Code Red: Time for the berating. I’ll actually agree that Darryll Clark isn’t as good as he seems, but he’s still better than Ricky Stanzi. Evan Royster is a fantastic tailback, and my illustrious comrade is a whore. PSU will win because in a tight defensive battle, Stanzi is far more likely to do something stupid (3.6 career interception %) than Darryll Clark (1.9%), no matter what my friend convinces himself. Iowa’s defense is certainly a match for PSU’s, but Penn State’s offense is just that tad bit better, and the game is in Happy Valley. Penn State wins.

I'll post the NFL picks later today or tomorrow.

How My Top 25 Fared This Weekend, Plus Another Ron Zook Rant

Sorry I've waited until Tuesday to react to this weekend's events (my breakdown of the Bears roster plus mild moping over Kevin Jones' injury to come later today), I was, however, turning 21 years of age and celebrating all that that entails, so f*&k you, you don't own me, and I'm not sorry at all.

Anywho, how my top 25 fared this weekend-

#1 Florida 62, Charleston Southern 3. That was to be expected.

#2 Texas 59, Louisiana Monroe 20. Mildly concerned about allowing 20 points? Not really.

#3 Oklahoma 13, BYU 14. This one's a shocker in many ways. The saddest thing about this game is what may have happened to the future of Sam Bradford. He's elected Not to have surgery on his injured shoulder, and he's currently expected to be out for 2-4 weeks. If he's off his game when he returns, not only will Oklahoma's season be dead in the water, his nearly sure-fire status as the #1 pick in the draft will be kaput. For his sake I hope he comes back strong. Great showing by the BYU defense, though, even without Bradford.

#4 USC 56, San Jose State 3. Well that's nice. They reload with a true freshman quarterback and come out looking like the same leviathan of doom as always. Obviously the game against Ohio State this week will be the true indicator of whether or not this team will be successful, but I have no problem going out on that limb and saying that Ohio State's getting its ass kicked.

#5 Ole Miss 45, Memphis 14. Well, for at least one week my confidence in them (the AP had them at #8) is rewarded.

#6 Ohio State 31, Navy 27. I'm really not going to act shocked that Navy played them so well, or act like anyone should be concerned for Ohio State. Navy's a well coached, hard fighting ball club that runs a difficult triple option offense that few know how to defend well. They'll be alright. They're still getting their asses kicked on Saturday, but they should run the table after that.

#7 Virginia Tech 24, #8 Alabama 34. Shit. I said in my preview that Alabama had too many questions on offense for me to rank them at #5 like the AP did. And I predicted that VT would knock them off. Fail one for me. Alabama looks dangerous if they can score as consistently as they did against a typically stout Frank Beamer defense.

#9 Penn State 31, Akron 7. I have tickets to the Illinois-Penn State game on October 3rd. I was optimistic that Illinois could take them in Champaign. That optimism is dying. Fast.

#10 Oklahoma State 24, #13 Georgia 10. I wasn't quite expecting the low score in this game, but I'm more than confident Zac Robinson will straighten the kinks out of his game on offense, and I'm impressed (but not too impressed with Georgia's offense being a work in progress) with the Cowboys' defense. I'm sure they were all salivating as their potential for making a BCS bowl shot straight up as Sam Bradford was crumpled to the turf.

#11 Oregon 8, #12 Boise State 19. There are meltdowns, and then there are the Britney Spears shaving herself bald style meltdowns similar to what Oregon experienced on opening night. Their biggest concern going into the season was how well their new offensive line would play, and the pants shitting was epic. They couldn't block a damn thing all night, and Boise State made them look like they were moving in slow motion. They lost their star tailback for the season after he lost his cool and cold cocked a Boise State player after the game. They're screwed. Boise State's defense looked pretty solid, though. So they'll be rising.

#14 Cal 52, Maryland 14. Wow. I did not expect Cal to issue a thumping of this magnitude on opening night. The battle for the Pac 10 just got very interesting, even with Oregon looking completely inept.

#15 Georgia Tech 37, Jacksonville State 17. 'Cuz I'm a rambling man from Georgia and A HELL OF AN ENGINEER!

#16 Nebraska 49, Florida Atlantic 3. My biggest reach of the Top 25 (AP- #24), so far they look as good as I expected. I see big things for Pelini's crew in year two. (Big things= soft Big 12 North schedule+ass raping at the hands of Texas in Big 12 title game).

#17 LSU 31, Washington 23. I understand Washington has a new staff and a healthy Jake Locker back to make them a much improved team from last year's winles squad, but LSU should have looked better. We'll see.

#18 Cincinnati 47, Rutgers 15. My Big East favorite comes out looking strong. Rutgers is still struggling in the post-Ray Rice era.

#19 North Carolina 40, Citadel 6. Not really much to say here.

#20 NC State 3, South Carolina 7. Uggh. Dana Bible (NC State's Offensive Coordinator) really sucks at his job. They're gone.

#21 Utah 35, Utah State 17. Solid effort for the Utes.

#22 Iowa 17, Northern Iowa 16. I was listening to this game on the radio in Des Moines, trying to will UNI to victory. They came damn close, having their 40 yard GW field goal attempt blocked....twice. For Iowa, this is extremely concerning. They've already lost their starting runningback for the year and failed to run the ball effectively, and they struggled defensively when UNI spread it out. I've had a hunch for a while that they could have trouble in Aimes against an Iowa State team with a new spread offense and the very mobile Austin Arnaud at quarterback, and it's only getting stronger.

#23 Notre Dame 35, Nevada 0. The 35 points on offense aren't surprising, and maybe even a little low against a weak WAC defense, but the shut out is really surprising against a Nevada offense lead by returning quarterback Colin Kaepernick. I hate to say it, but ND could be making a BCS run this year. (They'll still get their asses handed to them when they get there).

#24 Oregon State 34, Portland State 7. Fair enough.

#25 Illinois 9, Missouri 37. Fuck. FUCK. My homer pick for #25 was supposed to be grounded in some optimism, with so many returning starters on offense, a new offensive coordinator, and adding a second target for Juice in Florida transfer Jarred Fayson, things were looking good for the Illini. Beat Missouri and Illinois State, tread water against Ohio State and Penn State and start 2-2 at worst, then hit a softer conference schedule. Instead this team came out and just shat the bed against Mizzou. They lost their top two runningbacks (one before the game), and arguably the nation's best receiver in the first quarter. They were sloppy and shot themselves in the foot over and over again (Juice's interception which went straight through his receivers hands was typical).

This team, once again, wins and loses solely on talent alone, as the mistakes are always plentiful. I wish I could act like it was just first game jitters and that Zook will clamp down on those mistakes, but he's shown no inclination in any of the previous four seasons to do that. I won't deny his incredible talent for recruiting, and I don't blame him one bit for his 4-19 start at Illinois after how utterly barren Ron Turner left the program, but the only thing that kept Illinois from a bowl game last year was itself. Hell, lost in the euphoria of 2007's Rose Bowl run was the fact that penalties, turnovers, and other easily avoided mental mistakes cost that team wins against Iowa, Michigan, and Missouri.

Ignoring Penn State and Ohio State, this team has four games left that it Should win (Illinois State, at Indiana, at Purdue, Michigan). It has at least five others where they should at least go 2-3 (Michigan State, at Minnesota, Northwestern, at Cincinnati, Fresno State). Even if they lose both to OSU and PSU (and they probably will), that should make them 6-6 and bowl eligible. If that doesn't happen, Zook's ass had better at least be on the hot seat. They can't make the mistake of hanging onto a coach for too long based on one lucky BCS run, like they did with Turner.

My new Top 25-
#1 (-) Florida
#2 (-) Texas
#3 (+1)USC
#4 (+1) Ole Miss
#5 (+3) Alabama
#6 (-) Ohio State
#7 (+2) Penn State
#8 (+2) Oklahoma State
#9 (+5) Cal
#10 (+2) Boise State
#11 (+4) Georgia Tech
#12 (-5) Virginia Tech
#13 (-10) Oklahoma
#14 (+2) Nebraska
#15 (+2) LSU
#16 (+2) Cincinnati
#17 (+2) North Carolina
#18 (+5) Notre Dame
#19 (+2) Utah
#20 (+4) Oregon State
#21 (-8) Georgia
#22 (NR) BYU
#23 (NR) Miami
#24 (NR) Michigan State
#25 (NR) Missouri

Dropped out- Oregon (11), NC State (20), Iowa (22), Illinois (25)

Some Notes- Yes, Oklahoma is ranked over BYU even though BYU beat them. They'll be better with a week to prepare for not having Sam Bradford, and when he comes back they'll be a threat in the Big 12 again, although their national title hopes are probably shot. Iowa won, but their poor showing drops them out (as well as the fact that they will lose to Iowa State. I HAVE SPOKEN). Illinois falls out because they suck. BYU and Miami get in for impressive showings against what were AP ranked teams. Michigan State gets in because they probably should have been there already. Missouri gets in because their defense looks improved and Blaine Gabbert actually looks like he may be an improvement over Chase Daniel with his stronger arm.

Bears update to come later today. I swear.

What's the Deal With Ron Turner?

So the Bears have an offensive coordinator who has now spent eight seasons (1993-1996, 2005-2008) as the guy calling the plays. In that time the Bears average finish on offense has been 18th in Points Per Game, 22nd in Total Yards, 20th in Passing Yards, and 17th in rushing yards. Those are all below average, fairly pedestrian numbers. One would think after eight years of that a team might go in a different direction. Many fans have clamored for it, and there's even a Fire Ron Turner website (I won't link there because I don't care to give those ledge jumping morons the traffic). I'm here today to tell you why Ron Turner is a good offensive coordinator, in my eyes, and how all of his critics should wait to see what he does with Jay Cutler this year before they call for his head.

I'm the last person who should defend Turner, I suppose. After all he runs one of the more run oriented offenses in pro football, and I'm a well known fan of Bill Walsh, Dick Vermeil, Al Saunders, Mike Leach, Urban Meyer, Joe Tiller and many other advocates of pass first offenses. Not to mention the fact that as an Illini fan I should view him with at least mild disdain for his 35-57 record in Champaign. The fact is, however, that nearly all of Turners problems at Illinois had everything to do with poor recruiting and little to do with schemes.

Turner's playbook is a hybrid of the West Coast Offense and the Coryell System (named after former Chargers coach Don Coryell, the system actually predates the West Coast Offense and originally Bore that name until an article on Bill Walsh gave his offense that name). In that way its actually quite similar in scheme to the Vermeil/Saunders/Martz offenses of the late 90s-mid 00's Rams and Chiefs offenses. Turner merely utilizes the power running facet of the offense Far more than those men ever did. At Illinois it torched opposing defenses as long as Kurt Kittner and Brandon Lloyd were there to make it work. When those two disappeared, Turner failed miserably at finding their replacements, but thats hardly a knock on the scheme or the man's abilities to coach an offense at a professional level.

The key point in Turner's offense, as in most others, is the quarterback. What's also necessary is durable group of backs who can provide at least 400 carries a season. When one looks at each season in which Turner was the Bears offensive coordinator, the reasons the Bears struggled or succeeded on offense are fairly clear:

1993: 24th in PPG, 28th in Total Yards, 28th in Passing Yards, 28th in Passing Attempts, 19th in Rushing Yards, 7th in Rushing attempts. Playcalling: 45% Pass, 55% Run. Bears Record: 7-9

Jim Harbaugh struggled to adjust from Mike Ditka's offense to the new offense, and had one of his worst seasons as a professional, tossing just 7 td passes. He was benched at one point in favor of back-up PT Willis. At runningback, Turner inherited Neal Anderson, who at age 29 had already lost most of his former explosiveness to injury, he averaged just a paltry 3.2 ypc, and the offense sputtered to a halt.

1994: 24th PPG, 23rd Total Yards, 21st Pass. Yds, 20th Pass. Att., 15th Rush Yds, 6th Rush Att. Playcalling: 51% Pass, 49 % Run. Bears Record: 9-7.

Erik Kramer started the season at quarterback, and averaged a healthy 7.1 ypa and nearly 200 ypg, but was benched after a 1-2 start. After replacing Kramer with the weaker armed Steve Walsh, Turner and Wannstedt switched back to a conservative approach on offense in order to allow the defense to win games. Walsh went 8-3 while averaging just 6.1 ypa and only a 173 ypg. The Bears won a wildcard spot and a playoff game. The team still lacked a capable runningback, with halfback Lewis Tillman and fullback Raymont Harris averaging only 3.3 and 3.8 ypc, respectively.

1995: 8th PPG, 9th Total Yds, 12th Pass. Yds, 21st Pass. Att., 9th Rush Yds., 6th Rush Att. Playcalling: 51.5% Pass, 48.5% Run. Bears Record: 9-7.

The most successful passing offense in Bears history resulted from Erik Kramer and rookie Rashaan Salaam combining to give Turner the power arm and power running that fits his offense best. Kramer started all 16 games, took every snap, and threw for a franchise record 3,838 yds, 29 touchdowns, and just 10 interceptions. Salaam didn't have the best yards per carry avg. (3.6), but proved to be the workhorse back that the Bears needed, providing 1,074 yds and 10 tds.

1996: 26th PPG, 21st Total Yds, 19th Pass. Yds, 10th Pass. Att., 16th Rush Yds., 11th Rush Att. Playcalling: 54% Pass, 46% Run. Bears Record: 7-9.

Kramer struggled to recover his 1995 form, and completed just 48.7% of his passes before breaking his neck in the fifth game of the season. 38 year old back up Dave Krieg started the rest of the season, and performed about as well as could be expected for someone his age. Rashaan Salaam also suffered from injuries and lost his starting job, and the team failed to repeat their great rushing performance from the year before. Turner left after the season to take over at Illinois.

2005: 26th PPG, 29th Total Yards, 31st Pass Yds., 30th Pass Att., 8th Rush Yds., 9th Rush Att. Playcalling: 46.2% Pass, 53.8% Rush. Bears Record: 11-5

Turner returned to the Bears after being fired by Illinois, and now was the offensive coordinator for Lovie Smith. An injury to starting quarterback Rex Grossman in the second preseason game left rookie Kyle Orton in the starting lineup, and Turner was forced to scale the offense back drastically in order to prevent mistakes and allow the defense to win games. The passing numbers on the season are admittedly awful, but the run game was outstanding behind Thomas Jones, Cedric Benson, and Adrian Peterson, and the offense did just enough to allow the team to win 11 games.

2006: 2nd PPG, 15th Total Yards, 14th Pass Yds., 17th Pass Att., 15th Rush Yds., 5th Rush Att. Playcalling: 50.6% Pass, 49.4% Rush. Bears Record: 13-3

The 2006 Bears offense was the perfect microcosm of the pros and cons of Turner's offense. When Rex Grossman got off to his hot start at the beginning of the season, the Bears ran their record to 7-0, put 31.5 ppg, and averaged 231.6 passing yards per game (336 total yards per game) despite a relatively slow start from their rushing offense. During the next 9 games, however, as Grossman hit his rough stretches, those totals dropped to 22.8 PPG and 179.3 pass yards per game, although they averaged a respectable 316.3 total ypg thanks to a healthy run game that averaged 131.9 ypg in the second half. Still, the overall numbers on the season, especially the points per game, are either respectable or very good.

2007: 18th PPG, 27th Total Yards, 21st Pass Yds., 14th Pass Att., 30th Rush Yds., 19th Rush Att. Playcalling: 57.4% Pass, 42.6% Rush. Bears Record: 7-9

What went wrong in 2007? Pretty much everything, but it all started up front with the offensive line. The line, with an average age of 31.8 years old and only one starter under 30, fell apart and allowed 43 sacks and failed to open up much of anything in the run game. Rex Grossman and replacement Brian Griese both struggled with turnovers, combining to throw 14 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. Cedric Benson seemed almost sluggish at times and struggled without former partner Thomas Jones, averaging just 3.4 yard per carry. Without a run game, Turner called the highest percentage of passes in his career, a dangerous proposal behind such a shoddy line. Many began calling for his resignation during this difficult season.

2008: 14th PPG, 26th Total Yards, 21st Pass Yds., 14th Pass Att., 24th Rush Yds., 15th Rush Att. Playcalling: 54.9% Pass, 45.1% Rush.

2008, much like 2006, proved that the Turner offense works when the quarterback plays well. In the 7 games in which Orton was hot before his ankle injury, the Bears averaged 28 PPG, 226.6 Pass YPG, 109 Rush YPG, and 335.6 Total Yards Per game. After Orton's injury, those numbers dropped to 19.8 PPG, 163.8 Pass YPG, 101.1 Rush YPG, and just 264.9 Total YPG, and the critics that had silenced themselves for the first seven games came back in full force. Another serious problem with the offense was the lack of a durable back up runningback, with Kevin Jones gaining only 109 yds on 34 carries (3.1 avg.) as he recovered from an ACL tear the year before, and the most notorious problem of all was a weak wide receiver corps.

There are many statistical reasons to criticize Ron Turner, his career average unit rankings are very mediocre, and many people dislike his run-oriented nature (Turner has a 51.4% Pass/48.6% Rush ratio in his career, while the league averaged 54.2% Pass/45.8% Rush in that same time frame). Upon closer examination, however, most of Turner's struggles are more personnel oriented, with quarterback problems (1993, 1996, 2005, the second halves of 2006 and 2008), and offensive line problems (2007) being the chief culprits. During the years in which Turner's seen stability at the quarterback position (1995, first halves of 2006/2008), the team has undeniably lit up the scoreboard.

2009 will certainly be a make or break year for Turner (and perhaps Lovie Smith as well, although I doubt it), as he'll finally have the right quarterback in Jay Cutler, a healthier Kevin Jones to keep Matt Forte fresh, and a retooled offensive line to keep said franchise quarterback (hopefully) upright. I myself have no doubt that the 2009 season will be the best yet for Ron Turner as offense coordinator for the Chicago Bears.

College Football Preview, 2009

Its the middle of July, I'm bored, the Cubs just dropped two in a row after showing signs of life for a week, and the first football game of the year isn't until September 3rd. What's a man to do?

Football previews. Here I arbitrarily throw out how I think the 6 major conferences will shake out and who I have in my preseason top 25. Whats my basis for most of this? Hearsay, hunches, and downright bullshit! With maybe a fact or two or a quarterback or defensive line thrown in there for fun. So onto the Big Ten (the only league I'm actually going to attempt to figure out the actual records of)

Big Ten

Ohio State 10-2 (7-1)

They have Terrelle Pryor back, and maybe this year he'll actually know how to pass and be a true dual threat quarterback, regardless of how ESPN decided to just overlook Daryll Clark and Juice Williams and annoint him TEH BEST DUAL THREAT QUARTERBACK IN THE HISTORY OF THE BIG TEN EVAR I MEAN COME ON DID U NOT SEE WHEN HE THREW FOR LIKE 200 YARDS AGAINST PENNS TATE ZOMG?! Not saying he won't end up being far better than those two over the course of his career, but he sure as hell wasn't from the moment he stepped on the field. They don't have Beanie Wells anymore but they do have his top backup Daniel Herron who looked pretty damn good as a freshman, and they have experience at wide receiver and on the o-line. The defense looks as solid as any other Tressel defense, and the conference is still pretty weak. Another Big Ten Championship and disappointing bowl loss for the Buckeyes this year.

Penn State 10-2 (6-2)

They have Darryl Clark back as well as the man who takes over Shonn Greene's mantle as the best runningback in the Big Ten, Evan Royster. They have to retool their offensive line and only return four starters on defense, but Penn State usually has little trouble reloading on defense and their offense will be more than good enough to carry them until they get things sorted out.

Iowa 9-3 (5-3)

Fuck them. No, seriously. Fuck them. After three nice lackluster seasons signalling the decline of the Ferentzian Empire they go ahead and go 9-4 last year. Its not cool. They lose Shonn Greene but they return 7 starters on offense and 8 fuckers on defense, and they'll probably be even better than I give them credit for, but fuck them.

Illinois 8-4 (5-3)

They return 6 starters from the nation's 19th ranked offense including Juice Williams, who I think will have a big senior year, as I mentioned before. New offensive coordinator Mike Schultz seemed to crank out 60% passers and a balanced offense every year at TCU and I have high hopes he'll be a more efficient play caller near the red zone than Mike Locksley. Their defense only returns 4 starters, but as awful as they were last year is that really a bad thing? Their schedule is weaker than last year and with any luck they can pull off a return to a bowl bid. Anything less than 7 wins looks to be a disappointment, but honestly just a bowl game is all I ask. I really can't get greedy.

Northwestern 8-4 (4-4)

I'm really not convinced that Mike Kafka, who split time at quarterback with CJ Bacher last year, can handle the job full time, even with the added threat of his rushing ability. They lose Tyrell Sutton and return Zero skill position starters on offense, though they should be solid up front with four returning starters on the o-line. They do return 8 starters from a defense that was pretty solid last year, and in a strange turn of events their defense should be good enough to carry NW's offense for a while.

Michigan State 7-5 (4-4)

I know they went 9-4 last year and return 14 starters (though neither at quarterback or runningback), but I just don't see Michigan State having TWO good years in a row. AMIRITE?

Minnesota 7-5 (4-4)

They started hot last year at 7-1 before losing 5 in a row to finish the season. They're transitioning from the spread offense to more of a pro style, and I think that's a bad move with QB Adam Weber and 8 players back on offense. They return 7 on defense as well, but their schedule is tougher and it'll be a more difficult trip to a bowl game than it was last year. I have them at 7-5, but I really wouldn't be surprised to see them finish as poorly as 5-7.

Purdue 5-7 (4-4)

They were more or less awful in Joe Tiller's last season, and I don't see them improving all that much in Danny Hope's first year with just 3 returning starters on offense and none of them at the skill positions. Fifth year senior Joey Elliot is the most likely candidate to start at quarterback, but I think they'd be better off throwing touted redshirt freshman Caleb TerBush out there and just letting him learn under fire.

Wisconsin 6-6 (2-6)

They return 7 starters on offense, but that includes the quarterback (Dustin Sherer) who wasn't very good and not the runningback (PJ Hill) who was. They shouldn't really experience too much of a drop off in the running game, however, as Hills backup John Clay ran for 884 yards with a 5.7 average last year. The defense returns five starters, but only return two of their front seven and its likely their defense will experience a drop off quite a bit from its top 40 ranking last year.

Michigan 5-7 (2-6)

They should be better on offense than last year, when they finished dead last in the Big Ten in both rush and pass offense, but they still lack a true spread option quarterback like Rich Rodriguez likes. The defense returns 5 starters but have an inexperienced secondary. They'll be hard pressed to improve on last year's 87th ranked pass defense.

Indiana 2-10 (0-8)

They backslid from their 7-6 record and bowl game appearance in 2007 to 3-9 last year when the defense fell apart and Kellen Lewis struggled without James Hardy. Lewis was then moved to wide receiver but has since been kicked off the team. Ben Chappel takes over under center and is more of a dropback passer than Lewis, with little else special about him. They'll take a step back this year as it looks like Bill Lynch is just gonna have to blow the whole thing up and start over again.

SEC

East-

Florida

Georgia

South Carolina

Kentucky

Tennessee

Vanderbilt

West-

Ole Miss

Alabama

LSU

Arkansas

Auburn

Mississippi State

Big 12

North-

Nebraska

Kansas

Missouri

Colorado

Kansas State

Iowa State

South-

Texas

Oklahoma

Oklahoma State

Texas Tech

Baylor

Texas A&M

Pac 10

USC

Oregon

California

Oregon State

Arizona State

Stanford

UCLA

Arizona

Washington

Washington State

ACC

Atlantic-

NC State

Florida State

Clemson

Boston College

Wake Forest

Maryland

Coastal-

Virginia Tech

Georgia Tech

North Carolina

Miami

Virginia

Duke

Big East
Cincinnati

West Virginia

Pittsburgh

Rutgers

South Florida

Lousiville

Connecticut

Syracuse

The Top 25

1. Florida- Tim Tebow and 6 starters overall from last year's 4th ranked offense, and 11(!) starters back from last years 4th ranked defense. Oh, and they won the national championship last year, their second in three years. Until someone finds a way to knock 'em off, there's no logical explanation for picking someone else.

2. Texas- Its pretty much a draw in the Big 12 between Texas and Oklahoma, and I like Texas' defense just a little bit more.

3. Oklahoma- See above.

4. USC- God damnit Pete Carroll.

5. Ole Miss- I don't know why, I just like Jevan Snead and Houston Nutt and I hate Nick Saban and Alabama, so they're in my top 5.

6. Ohio State-Here we go again.

7. Virginia Tech- Tyrod Taylor will make the necessary improvements and that defense will be pretty damn good. I think they knock off Alabama in the season opener

8. Alabama- They're good and they return 9 starters from an awesome defense, but they have too many questions on offense for my liking. And fuck you, Nick Saban.

9. Penn State- Darryl Clark and Evan Royster make them dangerous.

10. Oklahoma State- Zac Robinson's pretty damn good and Mike Gundy Is a grown man, so they have that going for them

11. Oregon- Do you know who Jeramiah Masoli is? You should.

12. Boise State- Kellen Moore's good enough to overcome their inexperience on offense and defense.

13. Georgia- Good news? Lower expectations than last year and enough returning starters to make a run. Bad news? None of those returning starters is Matt Stafford.

14. Cal- Jahvid Best is one hell of a beast at runningback, but its about time Tedford worked his magic with Kevin Riley.

15. Georgia Tech- I'm probably going a little bit high on them, but 16 returning starters for Paul Johnson's kick ass spread/triple option/flexbone whatever the hell you wanna call it kickass ride of awesomeness equals a top 15 team in my book.

16. Nebraska- I like what Bo Pelini did in just a year with the program to clean out the funk of douche leftover from Bill Callahan. They're thin on returning starters on offense but their defense will be good enough to win the Big 12 North.

17. LSU- They should be able to run the ball on offense and that defense should be improved from last year, but it won't be enough to win the SEC West.

18. Cincinnati- Senior quarterback Tony Pike will lead an offense that is good enough to win the incredibly weak Big East, despite heavy losses on defense. Plus, for some reason, Ron Guenther scheduled Cincinnati as a late November nonconference game for Illinois AT Cincinnati. Why? Dear God, Why?

19. North Carolina- They return 16 starters, and their losses from last year (TE, WLB, FB, etc) are at fairly minor positions. It's Butch Davis's third year and the ACC is usually a crapshoot. They're a sleeper.

20. NC State- They have the ACC's best quarterback in Russell Wilson (who threw 17 touchdowns with only 1 interception last year), and they have 7 starters returning on each side of the ball. They'll definitely improve from their 6-7 record last year.

21. Utah- The losses on offense are heavy for the team that went 13-0 and pantsed Nick Saban in the Sugar Bowl last year, but they can still play ball in the Mountain West.

22. Iowa- Fuck them.

23. Notre Dame- Clausen and ten starters return on offense. They'll still probably lose their bowl game.

24. Oregon State- They have an impressive looking offense, but only 3 returning starters on defense. Perfect for a Pac 10 team.

25. Illinois- Forgive me. I'll have them out of here as soon as they lose their first game to a Chase Daniel-less Missouri and I allow myself to throw away my foolish dreams.

Juice Williams, the Next VY?

The Cubs have once again reverted to suck, and I'm desperate for football season to start, so I'm gonna go ahead and do some bold predicting about this guy:

The man pictured above is Isiah "Juice" Williams, about to enter his fourth year as the starting quarterback for the Illinois Fighting Illini. Now Juice was highly touted as the next Vince Young coming into college (and was heavily recruited by Texas for that fact) and Illinois fans were ecstatic when he arrived on campus. His first three years have seen a 2-10 season, a Rose Bowl trip, and a 5-7 roller coaster of disappointment. Each year Juice has progressed as a passer and next year, in my opinion, will be a huge year for him under new offensive coordinator Mike Schultz. Schultz, formerly the highly successful offensive coordinator for Texas Christian, replaces Mike Locksley, who left to coach New Mexico. I'm sure Schultz will find it hard to replace Locksley's brilliant gameplan of Option Left, Option Right, Deep Ball!, Option Left, Sweep, Offensive Penalty, Sack, Punt. I for one expect Juice to improve under Schultz. But how much improvement? For the basis of my theory I turn to a comparison with the aforemention Vince Young. Here's how the two stack up after three years as starting quarterbacks in college:

Juice
Passing-

2006- 12 G, 8 GS. 103/261 (39.5%), 1,489 yds, 5.7 ypa, 9 tds/9 ints, 124.1 ypg, 91.9 rating

2007- 13 G, 13 GS, 153/267 (57.3%), 1,743 yds, 6.5 ypa, 13 tds/12 ints, 134.1 ypg, 119.2 rating

2008- 12 G, 12 GS, 219/381 (57.5%), 3,173 yds, 8.3 ypa, , 22 tds, 16 ints, 264.4 ypg, 138.1 rating

Rushing-

2006- 154 rushes for 576 yds, 2 tds, 3.7 ypa, 48 ypg

2007- 165 for 755 yds, 7 tds, 4.6 ypa, 58.1 ypg

2008- 175 for 719 yds, 5 tds, 4.1 ypa, 59.9 ypg.

Vince Young
Passing-

2003-12 G, 6 GS, 84/143 (58.7%), 1,155 yds, 8.1 ypa, 6 tds, 7 ints, 96.3 ypg, 130.6 rating

2004-12 G, 12 GS, 148/250 (59.2%), 1,849 yds, 7.4 ypa, 12 tds, 11 ints, 128.4 ypg, 128.4 rating

2005-13 G, 13 GS, 212/325 (65.2%), 3,036 yds, 9.3 ypa, 26 td, 10 ints, 233.5 ypg, 163.9 rating.

Rushing-

2003- 135 rushes for 998 yds, 11 tds, 7.4 ypa, 83.1 ypg

2004-167 for 1,079 yds, 14 tds, 6.5 ypa, 89.9 ypg

2005-155 for 1,050 yds, 12 tds, 6.8 ypa, 80.7 ypg

Now, looking at those two lines you can draw a couple conclusions. The most obvious is that Vince Young is clearly better than Juice Williams and you might be quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm a moron. Vince clearly was much more effective when he chose to pull the ball down and run with it, although I can assure you from watching both Texas during Young's career and Illinois for most of my lifetime that Illinois' offensive line has not been anywhere near as effective for Juice as Texas' was for Vince. As for the passing numbers, however, if you throw out their freshmen years, where Vince split playing time with Chance Mock on a 10-3 Texas squad and Juice learned under fire for a 2-10 Illini team, and only look at their sophomore and junior years (Vince left for the NFL before his senior year), it breaks down like this:

Juice-

372/648 (57.4%),7.6 ypa, 4,916 yds,35 tds/29 ints, 130.0 Rating

Vince-

360/575 (62.6%),8.4 ypa, 4,885 yds,38 tds/21 ints, 148.5 Rating

Again, Vince's numbers are still better but the two lines are similar in most areas, with Vince's better completion % being the greatest difference.

All of this brings me to my point. While some feel Juice has progressed slowly or has failed to live up to his hype, in many ways his career progression when compared to a quarterback with a similar skill set in Vince Young seems to have set him up for a hell of a senior year, assuming certain things go his way. These things include:

1. The offensive line. Last year Illinois had one of the youngest offensive lines in the conference, and it showed. They failed to open up rushing lanes for Juce and running back Daniel Dufrene, which put more pressure on Juice to win games with his arm. They also allowed Juice to be sacked 25 times and forced him to hurry throws in many other games (not to mention that since college football subtracts yards lost on sacks from rushing totals for some inane reason, they may have cost Juice up to 163 yards rushing). If the Illini get better play from the offensive line this year, an active running game would take the pressure off of Juice, he'd have more time in the pocket to improve his decision making and accuracy, and he'd be able to rack up more of his own rushing yards. It's not impossible that this could allow Juice to become the third college quarterback with a 3,000 yd passing/1,000 yd rushing season (Vince Young in 2005 and Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour in 2007 are the other two).

2. If Danny Dufrene (or the other backs) step up as well. I realize I blamed a lot of the runningbacks' struggles last year on the line, but much of it was their fault as well. Dufrene was inconsistent at best last year and failed to show the burst that he had shown as the change of pace back to Rashard Mendenhall in 2007. Dufrene or one of the other backs must step up and become a consistent threat in order to prevent other teams from gameplanning solely around Juice.

3. Better offensive playcalling. As I sarcastically noted above, even though Illinois ranked 19th in the nation in total offense (but certainly not scoring, as a team like Iowa scored 30.3 ppg to Illinois 28.7, despite the Illini gaining nearly 65 more yards per game), far too often the Locksley/Zook brain trust seemed hellbent on calling the option at all costs, even when team's like Iowa and Wisconsin stuffed the ever-loving shit out of it, and their passing acumen seemed limited to chucking it up for grabs somewhere near Arrelious Benn or swinging it out to Dufrene. Hopefully Schultz can call a much more effective game.

4. An improved defense. The Illini struggled mightily on defense last season. They allowed 26.6 ppg, good for 9th out of the 11 Big Ten teams. They were a mediocre 6th in total yards allowed per game with 350.3, they were also 6th against the pass, 7th in sacks, and tied for dead last in interceptions, with 6. There is room for hope though, as the team was among the youngest in the conference on that side of the ball, and they return most of their starters on defense. If the defense can actually hold teams in place next year and take the pressure off of both Juice and the coaching staff, that will go a long way in determining the season Juice and the team will have.

Obviously those are four huge "ifs," but all four are attainable and have significant potential to improve this year. With those improvements in place and Juice stepping up in his senior year, he could generate a great deal of buzz and finally play up to his enormous potential.

Then what would happen next? Well with his rocket arm and outstanding mobility surely a great senior year would at least place him in the conversation about the first round of the 2010 NFL draft. Some team will most likely pick him, tantalized by his talent, and here he will truly live up to the Vince Young comparisons by showing off his horrible mechanics and decision making, forcing throws, and eventually being benched for a racist journeyman.

Lest We Let Kyle's Injury Suck All the Mirth Out of the Weekend..

This is the look of boredom that is perpetually fixed to Kirk Ferentz. It says it all really.

"Why did my offense flounder so dramatically in crucial spots on Saturday's game?"
Well Kirk, this can be explained in several ways. First, your team meast, Shonn Greene, was his godlike self for one quarter and played the other three like he was channeling his inner Cedric Benson. Also, your quarterback is still looking for his ass, which is buried under 12 feet of Memorial Stadium turf after your vaunted Ferentz o-line gave up 6 sacks. It doesn't help that your offensive coordinator called the game like he'd bet money on the Illini.

"How did I lose to Ron Zook?"
Well, actually Kirk, Ron did everything that entails a Zook loss. Did we blow a lead by calling soft defensive coverages despite only having a two possession lead with quite a bit of time remaining? You bet your ass we did. Did we call the option repeatedly with little to no results? 12 times for 30 yards you crazy SOB! Did we commit a soul crushing personal foul to allow the tying/winning score? How's unnecessary roughness treat ya? Quite simply, you lost because Juice stirred up enough badassity to drive downfield to win the game.

Am I, and are most of my fans, trash talking morons?
Hell yes. 27-24. Also, the aforementioned trash talking moron dared rationalize that "Iowa played better, Red Zone offense and ints killed us." Other than the fact that Illinois outscored you, outgained you, had the same number of turnovers, gained more yards per play, gave up 6 fewer sacks and performed better on third down, you totally outplayed us.

2008: REDEMPTION!

Cue the Battle Hymn of the Republic:

GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!

GLORY GLORY HALLELUUUJAH!

GLORY GLORY HALLLELUUUUUUJAH

ILLINOIS MARCHES ON!!!!!!

Also: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! VIVA LA TEXAS TECH! VIVA MIKE LEACH! VIVA LA AIR RAID !

That is the look perpetually fixed to Ron Zook's face. It says it all really.

"Why do I suck even though I have more talent on my team than the Detroit Lions?"

Let me explain, Ron. When you're a COACH you have to COACH, not just recruit. This means making good decisions during actual live football games. This means drawing up a playbook that makes more sense than 4th grader Timmy's trigonometry test. This means not accepting penalties on 3rd down plays when the other team would have had a 4th down had you declined (like he did last year against Iowa. Iowa converted their second 3rd down attempt).

"Why am I 0-4 against Kirk Ferentz?"

Because Kirk Ferentz is the exact opposite of your dumbassedry, Zook. Kirk grinds his 3 star players until they become Shonn Greene, Pat Angerer, and Rick Stanzi. Zook lets his 5 star players rot and never teaches them anything. Their talent essentially drops to that of a 3 star because they aren't being utilized properly! You want to know the reason Phil Jackson is the best NBA coach ever? It's because he can take any number of talented guys and make them mesh. Ron Zook couldn't make white and rice mesh. Juice is standing out there all alone, trying to turn Zook's shitty plays into good ones through his sheer will. Kudos to Juice for maturing into a badass, by the way. He'll be a good NFL player. But he's fucked.

He's fucked because Kirk Ferentz actually gameplans against Zook, and not the Illini. He knows what that dumbass is going to do and he counters it. It's like appealing to the jury when you're a defense attorney instead of proving your client innocent. It may not be the most straightforward way to beat somebody, but it's more than enough for Zook.

"Why is Shonn Greene lighting me up for over 200yds rushing?"

Because you have no defense, Ron. And because Shonn Greene just doesn't go down. He really does look like an NFL running back playing against college kids. There is zero give up in Shonn. And that's what Kirk Ferentz teaches. Fuck you, Ron Zook. Bask in the glory that is good coaching.

-Also, in closing, I accept the idea that Kirk Ferentz is Hitler. Because Zook sure as hell isn't Churchill. Zook is a fucking Communist. I'll take the extreme conservative over the extreme liberal any day. Prepare for the blitzkrieg you junksluts.

Lou Holtz Says Hold On a Minute

Hey gang, Lou Holtz here. Now the last few weeks there've been some unfortunate incidents of which I have been a part, and Lou apologized sincerely for them. Yesterday here on Start Kyle Orton, my dear friend Code Red may have made a few unfortunate references to two 20th century dictators when attempting to make a point about the Iowa Hawkeyes coach, Kirk Ferentz. Code Red is distraught today over the pain this has caused. He swears that the alleged MS Paint jobs in question were not premeditated and were a heat of the moment slip of the cursor. I personally believe him, and I the old coach hopes you will too.























But seriously, Kirk Ferentz is Hitler

Consider the 2008 Iowa Hawkeyes Motto: Arbeit Macht Frei

SKO Civil War Week 2008

Kirk Ferentz, center, at an Iowa Pep Rally

2000- Illinois 31, Iowa 0

2001- DNP

2002-DNP

2003- Iowa 41, Illinois 10

2004- Iowa 23, Illinois 13

2005- Iowa 35, Illinois 7

2006-Iowa 24, Illinois 7

2007- Iowa 10, Illinois 6

And that's what I've had to fucking deal with the last 8 years. 5 straight wins by Iowa in the rivalry. Iggins! is a maniacal fanatic who'll shlop up anything Iowa throws at him and then spit it out the moment it goes sour. Drew Tate was his idol and he was willing to carry his man child until Tate struggles his senior year and "Iowa'd fuckin win if they'd put in Christensen! Did you see his fucking arm!" was his battle cry. Last year "With Christensen we're going At least 8-4!", he buys his nice little number 6 jersey and they promptly go 6-6. Christensen becomes a swear word in Iggins! household. Next up? "Ricky Stanzi is a fucking Golden God!" Peaks and valleys, friends, peaks and valleys for this "what have you done for me lately?" blasphemer. I won't even get started on how many times I heard "Ferentz is a fucking moron! Run Albert Young!" followed ten minutes later by "WE CAN'T FUCKING RUN WITH ALBERT YOUNG! HE SUCKS! DAMIEN SIMS IS TEH SHIT!"

But I? Oh I have weathered the fucking storm my friends. I was there watching Illinois football when we had Simeon Rice and Kevin Hardy and the best defense in the Big Ten, if not the country (the two went #2 and #3 overall in the 1996 NFL draft), and yet couldn't make a damn bowl game because we tied the last game of the season 3-3. Yeah, the offense was that bad. I suffered without complaint as Ron turner went 5-25 in his first three years, enjoyed the 8-4 season that culminated with the raping of Virginia in the Micron PC Bowl (yeah, THE Micron PC Bowl), I saw the rise of Kurt Kittner, who forever holds a place in my heart. Oh did I thrill at the 10-2 Big Ten Championship of 2001, and yes, I still poke pins into my Rohan Davey voodoo doll with regularity. What followed that Big Ten Championship? Ohh, how about a 13-45 record from 2002-2006. I had to watch Jon Beutjer, Chris Pazan, Brad Bowers, and Tim f*&king Brasic play quarterback. Yet I watched every single game that was televised, which mercifully was never more than 4-5 a year with records like that. But oh did the corner seem to turn in 2007! Juice! Rashard! Rejus Benn! Jay Leman! Vonte Davis! Oh the talent ooozed from that team, and at 5-1, having knocked off ranked teams the previous two weeks, Illinois wandered into Kinnick determined to bust their streak against 2-4 Iowa.

And failed. Miserably. How do I describe the effort of a vastly superior Illinois team against the inferior Hawkeyes last year? Imagine you're in love with this extremely attractive girl. She's kindly, but with emphasis, turned you down year after year. Finally she relents and gives you one date to prove yourself. So you think, "Hey, I'll cook her a nice romantic dinner. Women love sensitive guys who can cook!" And you invite her over. But while you try to talk to her you stumble over your words, start flop sweating and ignore the roast, which burns to a crisp in the oven, setting off the smoke alarm. As you fan a towel in front of the smoke alarm to get it to turn off you accidentally elbow the girl in the head and knock her out cold. You panic so badly you piss yourself. You reach to help her and instead slip and wind up headbutting her in the crotch. She wakes up with your head in her crotch and piss stains on your pants. She calls the cops, you get hauled off for attempted date rape and, having realized that you forgot to turn the oven off, watch as your house burns down. That, my friend, was Illinois' effort against Iowa last year.

This year? The situation looks grim. An Illinois team that seems more and more to consist solely of Juice Williams on offense and Vonte Davis on defense has blown to games in which it was favored, against Minnesota and Wisconsin. A resurgent Iowa has shot out to 5-3 (though thats a weeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit deceptive when you factor in that three of their wins have come against AA Maine, 3-4 (in the Sun Belt!) Florida International, and 2-6 Iowa State) behind demi-God Shonn Green (1154 yds, 10 tds rushing) and the typically stout if boring Ferentz defentz. Iowa will most likely be favored heading into Saturday, even though the game will be played in Champaign.

Is there hope? I doubt it. The milquetoast assassin that coaches the Hawkeyes knows how to dominate Illinois consistently and ruin my lunch every single fucking year. Iggins! and I discussed yesterday the uniquely opposite natures of Zook and Ferentz. Zook can take a brilliant recruiting class that should be spotted 10 wins on talent alone and go 7-5, as he did at Florida and is doing this year. Ferentz can throw together five tubby white kids on the offensive line, pick a kid out of the crowd and win 8 games with a team that should win 4. His teams do tend to struggle in years in which they're burdened with huge expectations, but even that can't help Illinois this year as no one but Iggins! (and he says they'll go at least 8-4 every year regardless) thought they'd be impressive.

I'm not going to pray for one more win as epically as Iggins! did last year. I'm not gonna throw up false bravado and act like I expect Illinois to win. They're more talented than Iowa. They were more talented than Wisconsin, Minnesota, and possibly even Penn State too. But talent and coaching are the yin and the yang of the game, and coaching tends to weigh just that tiny bit more heavily, and if that's the case, get ready for at least one more year of this man standing on the sidelines victorious. If he'd even gloat about it I'd actually like him more. But he won't. He'll curl the tiny little corners of his mouth into a smile practically undetectable, credit his line of fat white kids, button up his shirt and go home and make sweet, lights off, God-fearing, missionary position love with his wife.

There is no room for personality in the classless utopia Iowa Football shall create!

Someday I'll Make Up My Mind

Hey, You!

Moi?

WTF was that?

Seriously man, WTF WAS THAT?

Wisconsin loses three in a row, they fail to move the ball with any consistency other than with the ridiculous field position we gave them through turnovers and ungodly stupid penalties. Look, some of this shit's just getting ridiculous. If stupid penalties and bad calls that cost games are the mark of bad coaching..let's recap-

2008- Wisconsin 27, Illinois 17

-Twice the right tackle was whistled for lining up behind the line of scrimmage. Twice. Both cost us first downs. It shouldn't be that hard to find the line of scrimmage. It's painted on the field. You should point that one out at practice, Coach.

-8 overall penalties for 47 yards, many of which cost Illinois first downs, or turned the 4th and 1 on Illinois' last offensive possession into a 4th and 6th. Fuck nuts.

-The option/outside runs. As in running Juice outside 8 times for 4 yards. Or running the option god knows how many times despite Wisconsin constantly shutting it down. The only yards Illinois gained up the ground were straight up the middle, but those playcalls were lacking.

2008- Minnesota 27, Illinois 20

-This one's really mostly because I can't believe Minnesota's 7-1, but I can blame you inadvertently because their coach interviewed for your job.

2007- Michigan 27, Illinois 17

-This one was ungodly frustrating. Michigan loses their quarterback, runningback, and top wide receiver and we still lose because of 10 penalties for 107 yards, two of which sustained Michigan scoring drives.

-Playing rotating quarterbacks with Juice Williams in Eddie McGee keeps both of them out of synch and leads them to throw for just 106 yards.

2007- Iowa 10, Illinois 6

-This game, of course, led to this. But it was also another example of beating the option into the ground despite zero success. The thing that pissed me off most about this one was TWICE accepting penalties that gave Iowa third down instead of declining them and giving Iowa fourth down. Iggins! will tell you that Kirk Ferentz is not exactly Mike Leach. Gambling's not his business, pink shirts are. Chances are the fucker was going to punt. But no, you had to put them in third in long each time and allow Jake Christensen to complete the only two 10+ yard long passes of his career (possibly an exaggeration, but not by much).

Such a nice man..

- It was Iowa, and even Iggins! predicted an ass-whooping, and you let it through our fingers.

So really that's 4 losses due to poor coaching and preparedness. I respect everything you've done in recruiting and rebuilding this terrible program, but, you know, you could at least work a bit on the x's and o's rather than spending all day txting some blue-chipper "OMG! ILL-INI! BetR n BetR!" Until then, I remain blasé about your very existence.