Illinois 33, Penn State 13
That was a total shot in the dark. I had zero faith that Illinois would actually do this, regardless of whether or not I picked them. That was awesome. A bowl actually seems LIKELY at this point (Coach [Redacted] will now lose 6 straight).
Michigan State 34, Michigan 17
This was about what I expected. Michigan just doesn't have the....anything..to pair with Denard Robinson.
California 35, UCLA 7
Nevada curb-stomped Cal by 38 points. UCLA demolished Texas 32-7. The always correct transitive-property of college football thereby dictates that Nevada could beat Texas into the Sun Belt.
Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
Arkansas has a disturbing habit of racking up huge point totals in the first half and then puckering up in the second. Against Alabama, that's understandable, but against Jerrod Johnson it's concerning.
South Carolina 35, Alabama 21
Shocking. I wonder how badly Steve Spurrier regrets benching Stephen Garcia against Auburn right now. SC could be undefeated and sitting pretty atop the SEC.
Oregon State 29, Arizona 27
And Oregon State's annual run of midseason excellence begins.
LSU 33, Florida 29
Les Miles...fuck, I don't know.
Florida State 45, Miami 17
Yeah...the ACC blows.
Stanford 37, USC 35
Watching Kiffykins' get his heart torn out on last second field goals in back-to-back weeks makes for damn good television.
That's all for now.
Showing posts with label Coach [Redacted]. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coach [Redacted]. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
How My Top 25 Fared This Weekend, Plus Another Ron Zook Rant
Sorry I've waited until Tuesday to react to this weekend's events (my breakdown of the Bears roster plus mild moping over Kevin Jones' injury to come later today), I was, however, turning 21 years of age and celebrating all that that entails, so f*&k you, you don't own me, and I'm not sorry at all.
Anywho, how my top 25 fared this weekend-
#1 Florida 62, Charleston Southern 3. That was to be expected.
#2 Texas 59, Louisiana Monroe 20. Mildly concerned about allowing 20 points? Not really.
#3 Oklahoma 13, BYU 14. This one's a shocker in many ways. The saddest thing about this game is what may have happened to the future of Sam Bradford. He's elected Not to have surgery on his injured shoulder, and he's currently expected to be out for 2-4 weeks. If he's off his game when he returns, not only will Oklahoma's season be dead in the water, his nearly sure-fire status as the #1 pick in the draft will be kaput. For his sake I hope he comes back strong. Great showing by the BYU defense, though, even without Bradford.
#4 USC 56, San Jose State 3. Well that's nice. They reload with a true freshman quarterback and come out looking like the same leviathan of doom as always. Obviously the game against Ohio State this week will be the true indicator of whether or not this team will be successful, but I have no problem going out on that limb and saying that Ohio State's getting its ass kicked.
#5 Ole Miss 45, Memphis 14. Well, for at least one week my confidence in them (the AP had them at #8) is rewarded.
#6 Ohio State 31, Navy 27. I'm really not going to act shocked that Navy played them so well, or act like anyone should be concerned for Ohio State. Navy's a well coached, hard fighting ball club that runs a difficult triple option offense that few know how to defend well. They'll be alright. They're still getting their asses kicked on Saturday, but they should run the table after that.
#7 Virginia Tech 24, #8 Alabama 34. Shit. I said in my preview that Alabama had too many questions on offense for me to rank them at #5 like the AP did. And I predicted that VT would knock them off. Fail one for me. Alabama looks dangerous if they can score as consistently as they did against a typically stout Frank Beamer defense.
#9 Penn State 31, Akron 7. I have tickets to the Illinois-Penn State game on October 3rd. I was optimistic that Illinois could take them in Champaign. That optimism is dying. Fast.
#10 Oklahoma State 24, #13 Georgia 10. I wasn't quite expecting the low score in this game, but I'm more than confident Zac Robinson will straighten the kinks out of his game on offense, and I'm impressed (but not too impressed with Georgia's offense being a work in progress) with the Cowboys' defense. I'm sure they were all salivating as their potential for making a BCS bowl shot straight up as Sam Bradford was crumpled to the turf.
#11 Oregon 8, #12 Boise State 19. There are meltdowns, and then there are the Britney Spears shaving herself bald style meltdowns similar to what Oregon experienced on opening night. Their biggest concern going into the season was how well their new offensive line would play, and the pants shitting was epic. They couldn't block a damn thing all night, and Boise State made them look like they were moving in slow motion. They lost their star tailback for the season after he lost his cool and cold cocked a Boise State player after the game. They're screwed. Boise State's defense looked pretty solid, though. So they'll be rising.
#14 Cal 52, Maryland 14. Wow. I did not expect Cal to issue a thumping of this magnitude on opening night. The battle for the Pac 10 just got very interesting, even with Oregon looking completely inept.
#15 Georgia Tech 37, Jacksonville State 17. 'Cuz I'm a rambling man from Georgia and A HELL OF AN ENGINEER!
#16 Nebraska 49, Florida Atlantic 3. My biggest reach of the Top 25 (AP- #24), so far they look as good as I expected. I see big things for Pelini's crew in year two. (Big things= soft Big 12 North schedule+ass raping at the hands of Texas in Big 12 title game).
#17 LSU 31, Washington 23. I understand Washington has a new staff and a healthy Jake Locker back to make them a much improved team from last year's winles squad, but LSU should have looked better. We'll see.
#18 Cincinnati 47, Rutgers 15. My Big East favorite comes out looking strong. Rutgers is still struggling in the post-Ray Rice era.
#19 North Carolina 40, Citadel 6. Not really much to say here.
#20 NC State 3, South Carolina 7. Uggh. Dana Bible (NC State's Offensive Coordinator) really sucks at his job. They're gone.
#21 Utah 35, Utah State 17. Solid effort for the Utes.
#22 Iowa 17, Northern Iowa 16. I was listening to this game on the radio in Des Moines, trying to will UNI to victory. They came damn close, having their 40 yard GW field goal attempt blocked....twice. For Iowa, this is extremely concerning. They've already lost their starting runningback for the year and failed to run the ball effectively, and they struggled defensively when UNI spread it out. I've had a hunch for a while that they could have trouble in Aimes against an Iowa State team with a new spread offense and the very mobile Austin Arnaud at quarterback, and it's only getting stronger.
#23 Notre Dame 35, Nevada 0. The 35 points on offense aren't surprising, and maybe even a little low against a weak WAC defense, but the shut out is really surprising against a Nevada offense lead by returning quarterback Colin Kaepernick. I hate to say it, but ND could be making a BCS run this year. (They'll still get their asses handed to them when they get there).
#24 Oregon State 34, Portland State 7. Fair enough.
#25 Illinois 9, Missouri 37. Fuck. FUCK. My homer pick for #25 was supposed to be grounded in some optimism, with so many returning starters on offense, a new offensive coordinator, and adding a second target for Juice in Florida transfer Jarred Fayson, things were looking good for the Illini. Beat Missouri and Illinois State, tread water against Ohio State and Penn State and start 2-2 at worst, then hit a softer conference schedule. Instead this team came out and just shat the bed against Mizzou. They lost their top two runningbacks (one before the game), and arguably the nation's best receiver in the first quarter. They were sloppy and shot themselves in the foot over and over again (Juice's interception which went straight through his receivers hands was typical).
This team, once again, wins and loses solely on talent alone, as the mistakes are always plentiful. I wish I could act like it was just first game jitters and that Zook will clamp down on those mistakes, but he's shown no inclination in any of the previous four seasons to do that. I won't deny his incredible talent for recruiting, and I don't blame him one bit for his 4-19 start at Illinois after how utterly barren Ron Turner left the program, but the only thing that kept Illinois from a bowl game last year was itself. Hell, lost in the euphoria of 2007's Rose Bowl run was the fact that penalties, turnovers, and other easily avoided mental mistakes cost that team wins against Iowa, Michigan, and Missouri.
Ignoring Penn State and Ohio State, this team has four games left that it Should win (Illinois State, at Indiana, at Purdue, Michigan). It has at least five others where they should at least go 2-3 (Michigan State, at Minnesota, Northwestern, at Cincinnati, Fresno State). Even if they lose both to OSU and PSU (and they probably will), that should make them 6-6 and bowl eligible. If that doesn't happen, Zook's ass had better at least be on the hot seat. They can't make the mistake of hanging onto a coach for too long based on one lucky BCS run, like they did with Turner.
My new Top 25-
#1 (-) Florida
#2 (-) Texas
#3 (+1)USC
#4 (+1) Ole Miss
#5 (+3) Alabama
#6 (-) Ohio State
#7 (+2) Penn State
#8 (+2) Oklahoma State
#9 (+5) Cal
#10 (+2) Boise State
#11 (+4) Georgia Tech
#12 (-5) Virginia Tech
#13 (-10) Oklahoma
#14 (+2) Nebraska
#15 (+2) LSU
#16 (+2) Cincinnati
#17 (+2) North Carolina
#18 (+5) Notre Dame
#19 (+2) Utah
#20 (+4) Oregon State
#21 (-8) Georgia
#22 (NR) BYU
#23 (NR) Miami
#24 (NR) Michigan State
#25 (NR) Missouri
Dropped out- Oregon (11), NC State (20), Iowa (22), Illinois (25)
Some Notes- Yes, Oklahoma is ranked over BYU even though BYU beat them. They'll be better with a week to prepare for not having Sam Bradford, and when he comes back they'll be a threat in the Big 12 again, although their national title hopes are probably shot. Iowa won, but their poor showing drops them out (as well as the fact that they will lose to Iowa State. I HAVE SPOKEN). Illinois falls out because they suck. BYU and Miami get in for impressive showings against what were AP ranked teams. Michigan State gets in because they probably should have been there already. Missouri gets in because their defense looks improved and Blaine Gabbert actually looks like he may be an improvement over Chase Daniel with his stronger arm.
Bears update to come later today. I swear.
Anywho, how my top 25 fared this weekend-
#1 Florida 62, Charleston Southern 3. That was to be expected.
#2 Texas 59, Louisiana Monroe 20. Mildly concerned about allowing 20 points? Not really.
#3 Oklahoma 13, BYU 14. This one's a shocker in many ways. The saddest thing about this game is what may have happened to the future of Sam Bradford. He's elected Not to have surgery on his injured shoulder, and he's currently expected to be out for 2-4 weeks. If he's off his game when he returns, not only will Oklahoma's season be dead in the water, his nearly sure-fire status as the #1 pick in the draft will be kaput. For his sake I hope he comes back strong. Great showing by the BYU defense, though, even without Bradford.
#4 USC 56, San Jose State 3. Well that's nice. They reload with a true freshman quarterback and come out looking like the same leviathan of doom as always. Obviously the game against Ohio State this week will be the true indicator of whether or not this team will be successful, but I have no problem going out on that limb and saying that Ohio State's getting its ass kicked.
#5 Ole Miss 45, Memphis 14. Well, for at least one week my confidence in them (the AP had them at #8) is rewarded.
#6 Ohio State 31, Navy 27. I'm really not going to act shocked that Navy played them so well, or act like anyone should be concerned for Ohio State. Navy's a well coached, hard fighting ball club that runs a difficult triple option offense that few know how to defend well. They'll be alright. They're still getting their asses kicked on Saturday, but they should run the table after that.
#7 Virginia Tech 24, #8 Alabama 34. Shit. I said in my preview that Alabama had too many questions on offense for me to rank them at #5 like the AP did. And I predicted that VT would knock them off. Fail one for me. Alabama looks dangerous if they can score as consistently as they did against a typically stout Frank Beamer defense.
#9 Penn State 31, Akron 7. I have tickets to the Illinois-Penn State game on October 3rd. I was optimistic that Illinois could take them in Champaign. That optimism is dying. Fast.
#10 Oklahoma State 24, #13 Georgia 10. I wasn't quite expecting the low score in this game, but I'm more than confident Zac Robinson will straighten the kinks out of his game on offense, and I'm impressed (but not too impressed with Georgia's offense being a work in progress) with the Cowboys' defense. I'm sure they were all salivating as their potential for making a BCS bowl shot straight up as Sam Bradford was crumpled to the turf.
#11 Oregon 8, #12 Boise State 19. There are meltdowns, and then there are the Britney Spears shaving herself bald style meltdowns similar to what Oregon experienced on opening night. Their biggest concern going into the season was how well their new offensive line would play, and the pants shitting was epic. They couldn't block a damn thing all night, and Boise State made them look like they were moving in slow motion. They lost their star tailback for the season after he lost his cool and cold cocked a Boise State player after the game. They're screwed. Boise State's defense looked pretty solid, though. So they'll be rising.
#14 Cal 52, Maryland 14. Wow. I did not expect Cal to issue a thumping of this magnitude on opening night. The battle for the Pac 10 just got very interesting, even with Oregon looking completely inept.
#15 Georgia Tech 37, Jacksonville State 17. 'Cuz I'm a rambling man from Georgia and A HELL OF AN ENGINEER!
#16 Nebraska 49, Florida Atlantic 3. My biggest reach of the Top 25 (AP- #24), so far they look as good as I expected. I see big things for Pelini's crew in year two. (Big things= soft Big 12 North schedule+ass raping at the hands of Texas in Big 12 title game).
#17 LSU 31, Washington 23. I understand Washington has a new staff and a healthy Jake Locker back to make them a much improved team from last year's winles squad, but LSU should have looked better. We'll see.
#18 Cincinnati 47, Rutgers 15. My Big East favorite comes out looking strong. Rutgers is still struggling in the post-Ray Rice era.
#19 North Carolina 40, Citadel 6. Not really much to say here.
#20 NC State 3, South Carolina 7. Uggh. Dana Bible (NC State's Offensive Coordinator) really sucks at his job. They're gone.
#21 Utah 35, Utah State 17. Solid effort for the Utes.
#22 Iowa 17, Northern Iowa 16. I was listening to this game on the radio in Des Moines, trying to will UNI to victory. They came damn close, having their 40 yard GW field goal attempt blocked....twice. For Iowa, this is extremely concerning. They've already lost their starting runningback for the year and failed to run the ball effectively, and they struggled defensively when UNI spread it out. I've had a hunch for a while that they could have trouble in Aimes against an Iowa State team with a new spread offense and the very mobile Austin Arnaud at quarterback, and it's only getting stronger.
#23 Notre Dame 35, Nevada 0. The 35 points on offense aren't surprising, and maybe even a little low against a weak WAC defense, but the shut out is really surprising against a Nevada offense lead by returning quarterback Colin Kaepernick. I hate to say it, but ND could be making a BCS run this year. (They'll still get their asses handed to them when they get there).
#24 Oregon State 34, Portland State 7. Fair enough.
#25 Illinois 9, Missouri 37. Fuck. FUCK. My homer pick for #25 was supposed to be grounded in some optimism, with so many returning starters on offense, a new offensive coordinator, and adding a second target for Juice in Florida transfer Jarred Fayson, things were looking good for the Illini. Beat Missouri and Illinois State, tread water against Ohio State and Penn State and start 2-2 at worst, then hit a softer conference schedule. Instead this team came out and just shat the bed against Mizzou. They lost their top two runningbacks (one before the game), and arguably the nation's best receiver in the first quarter. They were sloppy and shot themselves in the foot over and over again (Juice's interception which went straight through his receivers hands was typical).
This team, once again, wins and loses solely on talent alone, as the mistakes are always plentiful. I wish I could act like it was just first game jitters and that Zook will clamp down on those mistakes, but he's shown no inclination in any of the previous four seasons to do that. I won't deny his incredible talent for recruiting, and I don't blame him one bit for his 4-19 start at Illinois after how utterly barren Ron Turner left the program, but the only thing that kept Illinois from a bowl game last year was itself. Hell, lost in the euphoria of 2007's Rose Bowl run was the fact that penalties, turnovers, and other easily avoided mental mistakes cost that team wins against Iowa, Michigan, and Missouri.
Ignoring Penn State and Ohio State, this team has four games left that it Should win (Illinois State, at Indiana, at Purdue, Michigan). It has at least five others where they should at least go 2-3 (Michigan State, at Minnesota, Northwestern, at Cincinnati, Fresno State). Even if they lose both to OSU and PSU (and they probably will), that should make them 6-6 and bowl eligible. If that doesn't happen, Zook's ass had better at least be on the hot seat. They can't make the mistake of hanging onto a coach for too long based on one lucky BCS run, like they did with Turner.
My new Top 25-
#1 (-) Florida
#2 (-) Texas
#3 (+1)USC
#4 (+1) Ole Miss
#5 (+3) Alabama
#6 (-) Ohio State
#7 (+2) Penn State
#8 (+2) Oklahoma State
#9 (+5) Cal
#10 (+2) Boise State
#11 (+4) Georgia Tech
#12 (-5) Virginia Tech
#13 (-10) Oklahoma
#14 (+2) Nebraska
#15 (+2) LSU
#16 (+2) Cincinnati
#17 (+2) North Carolina
#18 (+5) Notre Dame
#19 (+2) Utah
#20 (+4) Oregon State
#21 (-8) Georgia
#22 (NR) BYU
#23 (NR) Miami
#24 (NR) Michigan State
#25 (NR) Missouri
Dropped out- Oregon (11), NC State (20), Iowa (22), Illinois (25)
Some Notes- Yes, Oklahoma is ranked over BYU even though BYU beat them. They'll be better with a week to prepare for not having Sam Bradford, and when he comes back they'll be a threat in the Big 12 again, although their national title hopes are probably shot. Iowa won, but their poor showing drops them out (as well as the fact that they will lose to Iowa State. I HAVE SPOKEN). Illinois falls out because they suck. BYU and Miami get in for impressive showings against what were AP ranked teams. Michigan State gets in because they probably should have been there already. Missouri gets in because their defense looks improved and Blaine Gabbert actually looks like he may be an improvement over Chase Daniel with his stronger arm.
Bears update to come later today. I swear.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Juice Williams, the Next VY?
The Cubs have once again reverted to suck, and I'm desperate for football season to start, so I'm gonna go ahead and do some bold predicting about this guy:
The man pictured above is Isiah "Juice" Williams, about to enter his fourth year as the starting quarterback for the Illinois Fighting Illini. Now Juice was highly touted as the next Vince Young coming into college (and was heavily recruited by Texas for that fact) and Illinois fans were ecstatic when he arrived on campus. His first three years have seen a 2-10 season, a Rose Bowl trip, and a 5-7 roller coaster of disappointment. Each year Juice has progressed as a passer and next year, in my opinion, will be a huge year for him under new offensive coordinator Mike Schultz. Schultz, formerly the highly successful offensive coordinator for Texas Christian, replaces Mike Locksley, who left to coach New Mexico. I'm sure Schultz will find it hard to replace Locksley's brilliant gameplan of Option Left, Option Right, Deep Ball!, Option Left, Sweep, Offensive Penalty, Sack, Punt. I for one expect Juice to improve under Schultz. But how much improvement? For the basis of my theory I turn to a comparison with the aforemention Vince Young. Here's how the two stack up after three years as starting quarterbacks in college:
Juice
Passing-
The man pictured above is Isiah "Juice" Williams, about to enter his fourth year as the starting quarterback for the Illinois Fighting Illini. Now Juice was highly touted as the next Vince Young coming into college (and was heavily recruited by Texas for that fact) and Illinois fans were ecstatic when he arrived on campus. His first three years have seen a 2-10 season, a Rose Bowl trip, and a 5-7 roller coaster of disappointment. Each year Juice has progressed as a passer and next year, in my opinion, will be a huge year for him under new offensive coordinator Mike Schultz. Schultz, formerly the highly successful offensive coordinator for Texas Christian, replaces Mike Locksley, who left to coach New Mexico. I'm sure Schultz will find it hard to replace Locksley's brilliant gameplan of Option Left, Option Right, Deep Ball!, Option Left, Sweep, Offensive Penalty, Sack, Punt. I for one expect Juice to improve under Schultz. But how much improvement? For the basis of my theory I turn to a comparison with the aforemention Vince Young. Here's how the two stack up after three years as starting quarterbacks in college:
Juice
Passing-
2006- 12 G, 8 GS. 103/261 (39.5%), 1,489 yds, 5.7 ypa, 9 tds/9 ints, 124.1 ypg, 91.9 rating
2007- 13 G, 13 GS, 153/267 (57.3%), 1,743 yds, 6.5 ypa, 13 tds/12 ints, 134.1 ypg, 119.2 rating
2008- 12 G, 12 GS, 219/381 (57.5%), 3,173 yds, 8.3 ypa, , 22 tds, 16 ints, 264.4 ypg, 138.1 rating
Rushing-
2006- 154 rushes for 576 yds, 2 tds, 3.7 ypa, 48 ypg
2007- 165 for 755 yds, 7 tds, 4.6 ypa, 58.1 ypg
2008- 175 for 719 yds, 5 tds, 4.1 ypa, 59.9 ypg.
Vince Young
Passing-
2003-12 G, 6 GS, 84/143 (58.7%), 1,155 yds, 8.1 ypa, 6 tds, 7 ints, 96.3 ypg, 130.6 rating
2004-12 G, 12 GS, 148/250 (59.2%), 1,849 yds, 7.4 ypa, 12 tds, 11 ints, 128.4 ypg, 128.4 rating
2005-13 G, 13 GS, 212/325 (65.2%), 3,036 yds, 9.3 ypa, 26 td, 10 ints, 233.5 ypg, 163.9 rating.
Rushing-
2003- 135 rushes for 998 yds, 11 tds, 7.4 ypa, 83.1 ypg
2004-167 for 1,079 yds, 14 tds, 6.5 ypa, 89.9 ypg
2005-155 for 1,050 yds, 12 tds, 6.8 ypa, 80.7 ypg
Now, looking at those two lines you can draw a couple conclusions. The most obvious is that Vince Young is clearly better than Juice Williams and you might be quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm a moron. Vince clearly was much more effective when he chose to pull the ball down and run with it, although I can assure you from watching both Texas during Young's career and Illinois for most of my lifetime that Illinois' offensive line has not been anywhere near as effective for Juice as Texas' was for Vince. As for the passing numbers, however, if you throw out their freshmen years, where Vince split playing time with Chance Mock on a 10-3 Texas squad and Juice learned under fire for a 2-10 Illini team, and only look at their sophomore and junior years (Vince left for the NFL before his senior year), it breaks down like this:
Juice-
372/648 (57.4%),7.6 ypa, 4,916 yds,35 tds/29 ints, 130.0 Rating
Vince-
360/575 (62.6%),8.4 ypa, 4,885 yds,38 tds/21 ints, 148.5 Rating
Again, Vince's numbers are still better but the two lines are similar in most areas, with Vince's better completion % being the greatest difference.
All of this brings me to my point. While some feel Juice has progressed slowly or has failed to live up to his hype, in many ways his career progression when compared to a quarterback with a similar skill set in Vince Young seems to have set him up for a hell of a senior year, assuming certain things go his way. These things include:
1. The offensive line. Last year Illinois had one of the youngest offensive lines in the conference, and it showed. They failed to open up rushing lanes for Juce and running back Daniel Dufrene, which put more pressure on Juice to win games with his arm. They also allowed Juice to be sacked 25 times and forced him to hurry throws in many other games (not to mention that since college football subtracts yards lost on sacks from rushing totals for some inane reason, they may have cost Juice up to 163 yards rushing). If the Illini get better play from the offensive line this year, an active running game would take the pressure off of Juice, he'd have more time in the pocket to improve his decision making and accuracy, and he'd be able to rack up more of his own rushing yards. It's not impossible that this could allow Juice to become the third college quarterback with a 3,000 yd passing/1,000 yd rushing season (Vince Young in 2005 and Central Michigan's Dan LeFevour in 2007 are the other two).
2. If Danny Dufrene (or the other backs) step up as well. I realize I blamed a lot of the runningbacks' struggles last year on the line, but much of it was their fault as well. Dufrene was inconsistent at best last year and failed to show the burst that he had shown as the change of pace back to Rashard Mendenhall in 2007. Dufrene or one of the other backs must step up and become a consistent threat in order to prevent other teams from gameplanning solely around Juice.
3. Better offensive playcalling. As I sarcastically noted above, even though Illinois ranked 19th in the nation in total offense (but certainly not scoring, as a team like Iowa scored 30.3 ppg to Illinois 28.7, despite the Illini gaining nearly 65 more yards per game), far too often the Locksley/Zook brain trust seemed hellbent on calling the option at all costs, even when team's like Iowa and Wisconsin stuffed the ever-loving shit out of it, and their passing acumen seemed limited to chucking it up for grabs somewhere near Arrelious Benn or swinging it out to Dufrene. Hopefully Schultz can call a much more effective game.
4. An improved defense. The Illini struggled mightily on defense last season. They allowed 26.6 ppg, good for 9th out of the 11 Big Ten teams. They were a mediocre 6th in total yards allowed per game with 350.3, they were also 6th against the pass, 7th in sacks, and tied for dead last in interceptions, with 6. There is room for hope though, as the team was among the youngest in the conference on that side of the ball, and they return most of their starters on defense. If the defense can actually hold teams in place next year and take the pressure off of both Juice and the coaching staff, that will go a long way in determining the season Juice and the team will have.
Obviously those are four huge "ifs," but all four are attainable and have significant potential to improve this year. With those improvements in place and Juice stepping up in his senior year, he could generate a great deal of buzz and finally play up to his enormous potential.
Then what would happen next? Well with his rocket arm and outstanding mobility surely a great senior year would at least place him in the conversation about the first round of the 2010 NFL draft. Some team will most likely pick him, tantalized by his talent, and here he will truly live up to the Vince Young comparisons by showing off his horrible mechanics and decision making, forcing throws, and eventually being benched for a racist journeyman.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Lest We Let Kyle's Injury Suck All the Mirth Out of the Weekend..
This is the look of boredom that is perpetually fixed to Kirk Ferentz. It says it all really.
"Why did my offense flounder so dramatically in crucial spots on Saturday's game?"
Well Kirk, this can be explained in several ways. First, your team meast, Shonn Greene, was his godlike self for one quarter and played the other three like he was channeling his inner Cedric Benson. Also, your quarterback is still looking for his ass, which is buried under 12 feet of Memorial Stadium turf after your vaunted Ferentz o-line gave up 6 sacks. It doesn't help that your offensive coordinator called the game like he'd bet money on the Illini.
"How did I lose to Ron Zook?"
Well, actually Kirk, Ron did everything that entails a Zook loss. Did we blow a lead by calling soft defensive coverages despite only having a two possession lead with quite a bit of time remaining? You bet your ass we did. Did we call the option repeatedly with little to no results? 12 times for 30 yards you crazy SOB! Did we commit a soul crushing personal foul to allow the tying/winning score? How's unnecessary roughness treat ya? Quite simply, you lost because Juice stirred up enough badassity to drive downfield to win the game.
Am I, and are most of my fans, trash talking morons?
Hell yes. 27-24. Also, the aforementioned trash talking moron dared rationalize that "Iowa played better, Red Zone offense and ints killed us." Other than the fact that Illinois outscored you, outgained you, had the same number of turnovers, gained more yards per play, gave up 6 fewer sacks and performed better on third down, you totally outplayed us.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
2008: REDEMPTION!
Cue the Battle Hymn of the Republic:
GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!
GLORY GLORY HALLELUUUJAH!
GLORY GLORY HALLLELUUUUUUJAH
ILLINOIS MARCHES ON!!!!!!
Also: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! VIVA LA TEXAS TECH! VIVA MIKE LEACH! VIVA LA AIR RAID !
GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!
GLORY GLORY HALLELUUUJAH!
GLORY GLORY HALLLELUUUUUUJAH
ILLINOIS MARCHES ON!!!!!!
Also: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! VIVA LA TEXAS TECH! VIVA MIKE LEACH! VIVA LA AIR RAID !
Friday, October 31, 2008
That is the look perpetually fixed to Ron Zook's face. It says it all really. "Why do I suck even though I have more talent on my team than the Detroit Lions?"
Let me explain, Ron. When you're a COACH you have to COACH, not just recruit. This means making good decisions during actual live football games. This means drawing up a playbook that makes more sense than 4th grader Timmy's trigonometry test. This means not accepting penalties on 3rd down plays when the other team would have had a 4th down had you declined (like he did last year against Iowa. Iowa converted their second 3rd down attempt).
"Why am I 0-4 against Kirk Ferentz?"
Because Kirk Ferentz is the exact opposite of your dumbassedry, Zook. Kirk grinds his 3 star players until they become Shonn Greene, Pat Angerer, and Rick Stanzi. Zook lets his 5 star players rot and never teaches them anything. Their talent essentially drops to that of a 3 star because they aren't being utilized properly! You want to know the reason Phil Jackson is the best NBA coach ever? It's because he can take any number of talented guys and make them mesh. Ron Zook couldn't make white and rice mesh. Juice is standing out there all alone, trying to turn Zook's shitty plays into good ones through his sheer will. Kudos to Juice for maturing into a badass, by the way. He'll be a good NFL player. But he's fucked.
He's fucked because Kirk Ferentz actually gameplans against Zook, and not the Illini. He knows what that dumbass is going to do and he counters it. It's like appealing to the jury when you're a defense attorney instead of proving your client innocent. It may not be the most straightforward way to beat somebody, but it's more than enough for Zook.
"Why is Shonn Greene lighting me up for over 200yds rushing?"
Because you have no defense, Ron. And because Shonn Greene just doesn't go down. He really does look like an NFL running back playing against college kids. There is zero give up in Shonn. And that's what Kirk Ferentz teaches. Fuck you, Ron Zook. Bask in the glory that is good coaching.
-Also, in closing, I accept the idea that Kirk Ferentz is Hitler. Because Zook sure as hell isn't Churchill. Zook is a fucking Communist. I'll take the extreme conservative over the extreme liberal any day. Prepare for the blitzkrieg you junksluts.
Monday, December 3, 2007
The BCS Fucking Sucks! What, Illinois Made the Rose Bowl? VIVA LA BCS
I don't pretend to say this system isn't completely broken. At this point the BCS has all the efficiency and competence of the former East German government.
Zere is no escape!
But the simple fact of the matter is that Illinois is Rose Bowl bound. This means lots of things: They're getting better and better, this team finally gets to see if its actually a fast team if it can compete speed wise with USC, or if its just the fastest team in a slow conference, the BCS really, really fucked up, Missouri must have killed someone on the commitee's dog, as the simple fact that an 11-2 team that beat both Illinois and Kansas was beaten out of a BCS slot by both of them is utterly ludicrous. But I'm not going to rationalize this. I'm going to enjoy the Illini in Pasadena, reflect on the fact that Illinois has now been to more BCS bowl games than Iowa, and still holds the lead in Rose Bowl appearances both BCS and non, and enjoy this man's chance at everlasting Illinois glory.
Zere is no escape!
But the simple fact of the matter is that Illinois is Rose Bowl bound. This means lots of things: They're getting better and better, this team finally gets to see if its actually a fast team if it can compete speed wise with USC, or if its just the fastest team in a slow conference, the BCS really, really fucked up, Missouri must have killed someone on the commitee's dog, as the simple fact that an 11-2 team that beat both Illinois and Kansas was beaten out of a BCS slot by both of them is utterly ludicrous. But I'm not going to rationalize this. I'm going to enjoy the Illini in Pasadena, reflect on the fact that Illinois has now been to more BCS bowl games than Iowa, and still holds the lead in Rose Bowl appearances both BCS and non, and enjoy this man's chance at everlasting Illinois glory.
Are you excited? I am. It's a broken system. We could say Illinois doesn't deserve to be there, but in a broken system, what Are the requirements for entry? Illinois has just as much of a perverse right to be there as USC or LSU. This is what happens because of this bullshit system. The NCAA wants us to accept this system for all its faults, and I'm supposed to be indignant because of this? Let me embrace this, as it just may be the straw that broke the BCS warped, MS infected, elephant man spine of a back, and if thats Illinois contribution to this system, to bring about its downfall, then that's the best contribution of all.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Top 25 Roundup and Code Red Rankings
It was a blessed, beautiful week of college football, so without further ado, here's the roundup/rankings..
LSU 58, Louisiana Tech 10
LSU whomps on their degenerate cousin from Bizarro world (1-AA), regains their rightful number one spot in the rankings. Other than that, this game is basically just what you'd expect from an opponent like Louisiana Tech.
Oklahoma 52, Baylor 21
Look, I realize there's still a decent chance they wind up in the national title game. Yes, they're record is impressive. I'm still not buying it. I've just run out of logical reasons why not.
Kansas 43, Oklahoma St. 21
On the other hand, Kansas is slowly beginning to make a believer out of me and I don't know why..
OH GOD! THE HORROR! PLEASE JUST TAKE THE BIG 12! NO ONE WILL SAY ANYTHING!
West Virginia 38, Louisville 31
West Virginia continues to claw their way back to the top, and hopefully a BCS slot. Really, if you don't want Pat White and Steve Slaton on national tv, you hate America.
Missouri 41, Texas A&M 26
Missouri also wins, setting up an epic battle next week for the Big 12 North Title, a slot in the Big 12 title game, and a chance at the BCS. I want to root for Missouri in this game, but I feel compelled to root for Kansas because...
Georgia continues to give the appearance of being for real, and the possibility of certain people's suggestion for SEC Champion (Florida, Iggins!), seems dimmer and dimmer. Whereas my prediction of LSU still goin strong.
Virginia Tech 40, Florida State 21
ACC.
USC 24, Cal 17
Who'd have thunk before the season that this game would have meant nothing in relation to the PAC 10 championship or the National Championship. Not I, but I'm sure pleased as hell about it.
Wisconsin 37, Michigan 21
Now that Ohio State has been removed from national title convention, all that is needed is for the Buckeyes to win The Big Game next weekend in Ann Arbor, thus enacting the best possible, but still sucks, scenario of a national title game sans Ohio State, but no Michigan Big 10 title either.
Hawaii 37, Fresno State 30
The Colt Brennans advance one step closer to an at large BCS bid, but don't expact the Boise State heroics of last year should they make it, this team has only one viable weapon, their quarterback, and he has a tendency to melt down when on the national tv stage.
Texas 59, Texas Tech 43
I didn't see this game, but Mike Leach was fined 12,000 dollars for saying the game was rigged in favor of Texas. I trust Mike Leach, our dashing pirate captain, and hate Texas, so I agree with him. Fuck Texas. Yar!
Cincinnati 27, UConn 3
Wow, this game should not have featured a ranked team. Let alone the fact that the team that as ranked lost by 24. Cincinnati and UConn? Fuck.
Florida 51, South Carolina 31
Look, we've endorsed a few candidates lukewarmly for Heisman on this website (Colt Brennan, Andre Woodson, Rashard Mendenhall (oh, I've never said that out loud? Well I am now)), but really, there's only one person in this country who deserves the Heisman, regardless of the fact that he's a sophomore. No disrespect intended toward Dennis Dixon, but Tebow has 23 passing touchdowns and 19 rushing. Thats 41 fucking touchdowns. Against SEC defenses. He's completing 68 percent of his passes and is Florida's leading passer, rusher, and scorer. He's by far the most impressive physical specimen I've seen at quarterback that I can remember. Chuck Norris watched the Tebow last week and was heard to say "Wow, that is a MAN". Just give him the fucking trophy.
Boise State 52, Utah St. 0
Well, thats impressive.
Clemson 44, Wake Forest 10
ACC.
Mississippi St 17, Alabama 12
Nick Saban doesn't have time for this shit. He also doesn't really have that good of a football team. Way to go Mississippi State for becoming bowl eligible. Tip of the cap, sir.
Tennessee 34, Arkansas 13
Phil Fulmer vs. Houston Nutt- Two coaches universally reviled by their own fan base and college football fandom in general. Two halfwits collide, only one survives. And NO ONE CARES.
Virginia 48, Miami 0
ACC.
Kentucky 27, Vanderbilt 20
I picked Kentucky for 10 wins this year, and if they beat Georgia and Tennessee, then win a potential bowl game, they can do just that. Please do just that.
ILLINOIS 28, Ohio State 21
I've touched on this already, but in case you're wondering, no, the euphoria hasn't subsided. Yes, I will bask in this win for years. Unfortunately current bowl projections have Illinois matched up against Florida, so this wonderful season will eventually end with the permanently scarring vision of TEBOW running mercilessly through our defense, leaving [Redacted] in tears and all Illinois fans wondering whether it was worth it. In my opinion, it so, so will be.
The Top 25
1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Kansas
4. Oklahoma
5. West Virginia
6. Missouri
7. Georgia
8. Arizona State
9. Ohio State
10. Virginia Tech
11. Florida
12. Hawaii
13. USC
14. Texas
15. Illinois
16. Clemson
17. Virginia
18. Boise State
19. Boston College
20. Kentucky
21. Tennessee
22. Wisconsin
23. Eugh. There's no one else. Just don't even look.
LSU 58, Louisiana Tech 10
LSU whomps on their degenerate cousin from Bizarro world (1-AA), regains their rightful number one spot in the rankings. Other than that, this game is basically just what you'd expect from an opponent like Louisiana Tech.
Oklahoma 52, Baylor 21
Look, I realize there's still a decent chance they wind up in the national title game. Yes, they're record is impressive. I'm still not buying it. I've just run out of logical reasons why not.
Kansas 43, Oklahoma St. 21
On the other hand, Kansas is slowly beginning to make a believer out of me and I don't know why..
OH GOD! THE HORROR! PLEASE JUST TAKE THE BIG 12! NO ONE WILL SAY ANYTHING!
West Virginia 38, Louisville 31
West Virginia continues to claw their way back to the top, and hopefully a BCS slot. Really, if you don't want Pat White and Steve Slaton on national tv, you hate America.
Missouri 41, Texas A&M 26
Missouri also wins, setting up an epic battle next week for the Big 12 North Title, a slot in the Big 12 title game, and a chance at the BCS. I want to root for Missouri in this game, but I feel compelled to root for Kansas because...
OH GOD! HE'S TOUCHING HIM! RUN REF! RUN!!!!!!!!
Maryland 42, Boston College 35
Well, Matt Ryan had the Heisman for like, 3 days there, didn't he? God I hate the ACC.
Arizona State 24, UCLA 20
Karl Dorrell heads closer toward firing. Our national nightmare is soon to end.
Georgia 45, Auburn 20Georgia continues to give the appearance of being for real, and the possibility of certain people's suggestion for SEC Champion (Florida, Iggins!), seems dimmer and dimmer. Whereas my prediction of LSU still goin strong.
Virginia Tech 40, Florida State 21
ACC.
USC 24, Cal 17
Who'd have thunk before the season that this game would have meant nothing in relation to the PAC 10 championship or the National Championship. Not I, but I'm sure pleased as hell about it.
Wisconsin 37, Michigan 21
Now that Ohio State has been removed from national title convention, all that is needed is for the Buckeyes to win The Big Game next weekend in Ann Arbor, thus enacting the best possible, but still sucks, scenario of a national title game sans Ohio State, but no Michigan Big 10 title either.
Hawaii 37, Fresno State 30
The Colt Brennans advance one step closer to an at large BCS bid, but don't expact the Boise State heroics of last year should they make it, this team has only one viable weapon, their quarterback, and he has a tendency to melt down when on the national tv stage.
Texas 59, Texas Tech 43
I didn't see this game, but Mike Leach was fined 12,000 dollars for saying the game was rigged in favor of Texas. I trust Mike Leach, our dashing pirate captain, and hate Texas, so I agree with him. Fuck Texas. Yar!
Cincinnati 27, UConn 3
Wow, this game should not have featured a ranked team. Let alone the fact that the team that as ranked lost by 24. Cincinnati and UConn? Fuck.
Florida 51, South Carolina 31
Look, we've endorsed a few candidates lukewarmly for Heisman on this website (Colt Brennan, Andre Woodson, Rashard Mendenhall (oh, I've never said that out loud? Well I am now)), but really, there's only one person in this country who deserves the Heisman, regardless of the fact that he's a sophomore. No disrespect intended toward Dennis Dixon, but Tebow has 23 passing touchdowns and 19 rushing. Thats 41 fucking touchdowns. Against SEC defenses. He's completing 68 percent of his passes and is Florida's leading passer, rusher, and scorer. He's by far the most impressive physical specimen I've seen at quarterback that I can remember. Chuck Norris watched the Tebow last week and was heard to say "Wow, that is a MAN". Just give him the fucking trophy.
Boise State 52, Utah St. 0
Well, thats impressive.
Clemson 44, Wake Forest 10
ACC.
Mississippi St 17, Alabama 12
Nick Saban doesn't have time for this shit. He also doesn't really have that good of a football team. Way to go Mississippi State for becoming bowl eligible. Tip of the cap, sir.
Tennessee 34, Arkansas 13
Phil Fulmer vs. Houston Nutt- Two coaches universally reviled by their own fan base and college football fandom in general. Two halfwits collide, only one survives. And NO ONE CARES.
Virginia 48, Miami 0
ACC.
Kentucky 27, Vanderbilt 20
I picked Kentucky for 10 wins this year, and if they beat Georgia and Tennessee, then win a potential bowl game, they can do just that. Please do just that.
ILLINOIS 28, Ohio State 21
I've touched on this already, but in case you're wondering, no, the euphoria hasn't subsided. Yes, I will bask in this win for years. Unfortunately current bowl projections have Illinois matched up against Florida, so this wonderful season will eventually end with the permanently scarring vision of TEBOW running mercilessly through our defense, leaving [Redacted] in tears and all Illinois fans wondering whether it was worth it. In my opinion, it so, so will be.
The Top 25
1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Kansas
4. Oklahoma
5. West Virginia
6. Missouri
7. Georgia
8. Arizona State
9. Ohio State
10. Virginia Tech
11. Florida
12. Hawaii
13. USC
14. Texas
15. Illinois
16. Clemson
17. Virginia
18. Boise State
19. Boston College
20. Kentucky
21. Tennessee
22. Wisconsin
23. Eugh. There's no one else. Just don't even look.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Why, Hello There
How are you today? Please, come in, come in. I know I'm not supposed to say my name, but I'll let you whisper it. I know it feels good. Let it out. Feel the Rush. Come on. Almost there. Say it with me
"ZOOK"
Yeah, thats right, the Zooker knows your heart, baby. He knows your innermost desires. He knows you see improvement. He knows its getting better and better.
Yeah, you saw that game on Saturday. Could you feel the Energy? You bet your sweet ass you could. Thats Zooktastic, baby. Thats how you play the game. It took only a transfer of a tiny bit of the Zook dynamism from my supercharged turbo body of recruiting fury to power the arm of Juice Williams to 4 tds. Yeah, you like Juice Williams now, don't you? I bet I know who'd really like ol' Juice. Texas. Yeah, Mack Brown, I remember you wanted Juice. He was gonna be your VY #2. But he chose the Zookster. He chose the improvement. He wanted to be better. And better.
Well he was. And we beat number one in the nation, baby. That means we're number one now. The Zooker doesn't play the polls, bro. He plays football assassin style. You kill the emperor to Be the emperor, and I am now the emperor. Bow before the Zook. It'll feel good.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
NEWSFLASH! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
*It has been brought to my attention that my high school classmate and U of I student Nick Heiar, is actually in this picture, if you look above the head of the Cubs hat wearing fat kid on the left, the one who looks like he is going to consume the camera, you will see a man in an orange ball cap looking to the left. That is our boy.
Oh LORD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! There are no words for what you have given me this evening! I feel as though someone has dissolved cocaine in Jack Daniels, then added John Wayne's ashes to the mix and injected it straight into my veins. I asked for a miracle, and it was granted. What surprises you more? [Redacted] going for it on fourth down after an OSU timeout and actually making Jim fucking Tressel look like a moron? What about Todd Boeckman heaving the ball up three times for interceptions while Juice Williams transformed himself into the epitome of calm. Four tds, no turnovers, 1 PENALTY! Somehow, this team played its way into a miracle, that they shall cherish forever. I remember four years ago an Illinois team limped its way to 1-10, just two years after a 10-2 Big Ten Title team. I knew a decline so steep and so fast would take years to recover. Four years later a 7-3 team marched into the fucking horseshoe and denied a national title to Ohio State. If Juice or Rashard Mendenhall asked me to bend the laws of nature and my own right wing ideology and have their love children, I would. In droves. This tastes sweeter than any victory I have ever watched in my life(easy to do, as I root for Zero teams that have won championships in my lifetime). Iggins! may have his Floyd of Rosedale, and I shall honor his bragging this week. Were Hilary Clinton to approach me this day I would say "Madame, this day our quarrel rests. I bear malice toward none, on this day." For the Lord looked down upon Columbus, Ohio, saw the Fighting Illini, and said "It is Good".
Now I'm off to get shitfaced.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Calling In A Favor
Our Father
Who art in Heaven
I know I am not Catholic
But really, grant me, your holy follower
Without the weird like wine and Latin Chanting
the following favor
Oh Lord!
See it in thine divine glory to grant the University of Illinois
Ye of the Fighting Illini
The glory of victory on the field of football
Against the Ohio State Buckeyes
I am not so heritical,
Oh Merciful One
To assume that the all knowing creator owes me anything personally
But really, you were cruel about that whole Iowa game
Yea, my arrogance preceding said game was mighty
Yea, you did smite me down
Yet I remain the most arrogant man this side of Terrell Owens
But will humble myself before you should you find it in your divine wisdom
To inexplicably fell the sweater vested one, Jim Tressel,
Before he whom we have [Redacted]
So give us on Saturday our powerful upset
And make LSU and Oregon 1 & 2
And Justice shall reign
And happiness shall be thy verdict
Yea, grant us this wish, Oh Lord
Amen
Who art in Heaven
I know I am not Catholic
But really, grant me, your holy follower
Without the weird like wine and Latin Chanting
the following favor
Oh Lord!
See it in thine divine glory to grant the University of Illinois
Ye of the Fighting Illini
The glory of victory on the field of football
Against the Ohio State Buckeyes
I am not so heritical,
Oh Merciful One
To assume that the all knowing creator owes me anything personally
But really, you were cruel about that whole Iowa game
Yea, my arrogance preceding said game was mighty
Yea, you did smite me down
Yet I remain the most arrogant man this side of Terrell Owens
But will humble myself before you should you find it in your divine wisdom
To inexplicably fell the sweater vested one, Jim Tressel,
Before he whom we have [Redacted]
So give us on Saturday our powerful upset
And make LSU and Oregon 1 & 2
And Justice shall reign
And happiness shall be thy verdict
Yea, grant us this wish, Oh Lord
Amen
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings 10/23/07
Yes, yes, these are several days late, but I make no excuses to you.
Anywho, in a brief stepdown from my militancy of last week, I will at least give the "rankings" the token acknowledgement of reporting on the results of games involving the Top 25 last week. Then I will provide rankings of my own, still lacking in any real relevance to the game of college football, so, equally as important as the current AP and BCS rankings
Ohio State 24, Michigan State 17
Yeah. Let's just get this out, if I haven't made it clear already. OHIO STATE IS A MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL TEAM! THE BCS IS RAPING OUR DIGNITY! Todd Boeckman (or Krenzel The Deuce) and company managed to drop a whopping 24 points on the vaunted Michigan State defense, proving once and for all that this shit's just getting ridiculous.
Rutgers 30, South Florida 27
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, thank you Greg Schiano for finally dispelling the possibility of South Florida in the national title game. If Ohio State playing in the national title game this year may be college football's version of the Rape of Nanking, Ohio State playing South Florida would be the apocalypse of all that is good and holy about college football.
Oklahoma 17, Iowa State 7
Look, I can accept the fact that Oklahoma, in this fucked up travesty of a season, is now #4. I accept that there's still a very decent possibility that despite losing to Colorado, they could go to the national title game after running the table. But I can only warn you of the danger of an Ohio State-Oklahoma national title game. If this scenario were to occur, I wouldn't even call it the national title game, but the Tressel-Stoops Red And White Puntfest Overtime Smackdown. Iowa State people! IOWA STATE! Texas, in whats shaping up to be their most mediocre year of the Mack Brown era, beat the Cyclones 56-3. Fuck the BCS, fuck, fuck fuck.
LSU 30, Auburn 24
The true number one team in the nation wins on a last second TESTICLES!!! pass against bitter rival Auburn. Can't you people just accept that the SEC is the only legit conference in college football? DON'T YOU SEE! THE BCS IS A SCAM! JIM DELANY KEEPS IT ALIVE BECAUSE ITS THE MOST BRILLIANT WAY TO KEEP THE BIG TEN RELEVANT! FUCK THE BCS! FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Vanderbilt 17, South Carolina 6
Well, not, 100% legit. Look, once in a decade you take a shit while playing Vanderbilt, it happens. But South Carolina? Probably Big Ten, ACC, and possibly even Big East champions if you let them. That's not to say the SEC is so deep that this is still a legitimate loss for South Carolina. They dropped the ball, but they're still a good team.
Oregon 55, Washington 34
I've yet to see Oregon play live this year, so I can't pass an accurate assessment on them yet, but from what I've heard and seen in the scores and stats, this looks like a solid, solid team, with a scary good offense and Dennis Dixon is easily the best quarterback in the Pac 10
Florida 45, Kentucky 37
Andre Woodson throws 5 tds. TEBOW throws four and runs for a fifth. I want to crossbreed Tebow and Woodson and then use the superprodigy quarterback to spearhead my march to world domination. TEBOW!
West Virginia 38, Miss. St 13
I sincerely hope West Virginia takes advantage of the get out of jail free card that South Florida handed them this week and runs the table the rest of the way to win the Big East and its bid to the BCS, thus providing Steve Slaton with a victorious send off to the NFL. (and by the NFL, I mean the Bears, Please, Jesus? Please?)
UCLA 30, Cal 21
Look, UCLA, it was cute at first. "Oh look at Karl Dorrell, aww, he's got a chance to go 10-0 before playing USC and he loses to Arizona, isn't that adorable?" But now, UCLA, its getting fucking old. Either lose out and get that guy fired, or win out and beat USC, we're tired of your up and down roller coaster ride of shit.
USC 38, Notre Dame 0
God damn, do I hate USC, but Notre Dame is now 1-7. Soak it in. Bask in it. Let it wrap you in its warmth and carry you off to a place where no one feels any pain....except snooty Notre Dame loving bastards, who are regularly roasted on a spit of eternal hellfire.
Kansas 19, Colorado 14
Kansas continues to win, making the Mangino happy. When the Mangino is happy, we all feel relatively safe. When he is not, well, just pray Kansas wins.
Missouri 41, Texas Tech 10
Holllllyyyy Shit. I expected Texas Tech to make this game competitive, but in the battle of the two best quarterbacks in the Big 12, neither one shined, as Chase Daniel of Missouri was merely an efficient 14 of 19 for 210 yards and a td and pick each, whereas Graham Harrell lit the torch on his underdog Heisman campaign with a Colt Brennanesque "I'm on national tv? Well I'd best throw four interceptions.." performance.
Texas 31, Baylor 10
Yeah, that's nice.
Alabama 41, Tennessee 17
Well, Tennessee also does a great deal to dispell the whole "legitimate conference" thing for the SEC, but I prefer to look at the positives of Alabama also adding depth the conference. Plus, if we just blame this blowout and the one at the hands of Florida on Phil Fulmer, I think we all come out a lot happier
Pittsburgh 24, Cinncinati 17
Well, thankfully South Florida has lost, so my plea of a few weeks ago that Cinncinati manage to remain undefeated so that they will win the Big East rather than the Bulls is no longer necessary, as I feel much more comfortable riding with West Virginia the rest of the way. But, on the other hand, Damn you, Cinncinati, way to give Dave Wannstedt a win.
Oklahoma State 41, Kansas State 39
Its funny how one big win over an extremely mediocre Texas team keeps tossing Kansas State back into the rankings long enough for a loss to an unranked team the next week. Last time it was Kansas, this time it was Mike Gundy's team. He's a grown man, he's forty!
and finally..
Michigan 27, Illinois 17
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck penalties that keep drives going, fuck a coach who jerks two inexperienced quarterbacks around like its a game of Russian Roulette wherever every chamber is loaded, fuck Lloyd Carr, fuck the fact that stupid penalties and turnovers blew every chance Illinois had of beating a crippled Michigan team that started without Mike Hart and lost Chad Henne and Mario Manningham for great stretches of the game. Fuck.
And now my rankings.
1. Michael Scott
2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
3. Alexander Graham Bell
4. Nachos Bell Grande
5. Jessica Alba
6. Captain Murphy
7. John Daly
8. Texas Tech
9. Dr. Perry Cox
10. I'm stopping here because you're probably still looking at Jessica Alba
Anywho, in a brief stepdown from my militancy of last week, I will at least give the "rankings" the token acknowledgement of reporting on the results of games involving the Top 25 last week. Then I will provide rankings of my own, still lacking in any real relevance to the game of college football, so, equally as important as the current AP and BCS rankings
Ohio State 24, Michigan State 17
Yeah. Let's just get this out, if I haven't made it clear already. OHIO STATE IS A MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL TEAM! THE BCS IS RAPING OUR DIGNITY! Todd Boeckman (or Krenzel The Deuce) and company managed to drop a whopping 24 points on the vaunted Michigan State defense, proving once and for all that this shit's just getting ridiculous.
Rutgers 30, South Florida 27
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, thank you Greg Schiano for finally dispelling the possibility of South Florida in the national title game. If Ohio State playing in the national title game this year may be college football's version of the Rape of Nanking, Ohio State playing South Florida would be the apocalypse of all that is good and holy about college football.
Oklahoma 17, Iowa State 7
Look, I can accept the fact that Oklahoma, in this fucked up travesty of a season, is now #4. I accept that there's still a very decent possibility that despite losing to Colorado, they could go to the national title game after running the table. But I can only warn you of the danger of an Ohio State-Oklahoma national title game. If this scenario were to occur, I wouldn't even call it the national title game, but the Tressel-Stoops Red And White Puntfest Overtime Smackdown. Iowa State people! IOWA STATE! Texas, in whats shaping up to be their most mediocre year of the Mack Brown era, beat the Cyclones 56-3. Fuck the BCS, fuck, fuck fuck.
LSU 30, Auburn 24
The true number one team in the nation wins on a last second TESTICLES!!! pass against bitter rival Auburn. Can't you people just accept that the SEC is the only legit conference in college football? DON'T YOU SEE! THE BCS IS A SCAM! JIM DELANY KEEPS IT ALIVE BECAUSE ITS THE MOST BRILLIANT WAY TO KEEP THE BIG TEN RELEVANT! FUCK THE BCS! FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Vanderbilt 17, South Carolina 6
Well, not, 100% legit. Look, once in a decade you take a shit while playing Vanderbilt, it happens. But South Carolina? Probably Big Ten, ACC, and possibly even Big East champions if you let them. That's not to say the SEC is so deep that this is still a legitimate loss for South Carolina. They dropped the ball, but they're still a good team.
Oregon 55, Washington 34
I've yet to see Oregon play live this year, so I can't pass an accurate assessment on them yet, but from what I've heard and seen in the scores and stats, this looks like a solid, solid team, with a scary good offense and Dennis Dixon is easily the best quarterback in the Pac 10
Florida 45, Kentucky 37
Andre Woodson throws 5 tds. TEBOW throws four and runs for a fifth. I want to crossbreed Tebow and Woodson and then use the superprodigy quarterback to spearhead my march to world domination. TEBOW!
West Virginia 38, Miss. St 13
I sincerely hope West Virginia takes advantage of the get out of jail free card that South Florida handed them this week and runs the table the rest of the way to win the Big East and its bid to the BCS, thus providing Steve Slaton with a victorious send off to the NFL. (and by the NFL, I mean the Bears, Please, Jesus? Please?)
UCLA 30, Cal 21
Look, UCLA, it was cute at first. "Oh look at Karl Dorrell, aww, he's got a chance to go 10-0 before playing USC and he loses to Arizona, isn't that adorable?" But now, UCLA, its getting fucking old. Either lose out and get that guy fired, or win out and beat USC, we're tired of your up and down roller coaster ride of shit.
USC 38, Notre Dame 0
God damn, do I hate USC, but Notre Dame is now 1-7. Soak it in. Bask in it. Let it wrap you in its warmth and carry you off to a place where no one feels any pain....except snooty Notre Dame loving bastards, who are regularly roasted on a spit of eternal hellfire.
Kansas 19, Colorado 14
Kansas continues to win, making the Mangino happy. When the Mangino is happy, we all feel relatively safe. When he is not, well, just pray Kansas wins.
Missouri 41, Texas Tech 10
Holllllyyyy Shit. I expected Texas Tech to make this game competitive, but in the battle of the two best quarterbacks in the Big 12, neither one shined, as Chase Daniel of Missouri was merely an efficient 14 of 19 for 210 yards and a td and pick each, whereas Graham Harrell lit the torch on his underdog Heisman campaign with a Colt Brennanesque "I'm on national tv? Well I'd best throw four interceptions.." performance.
Texas 31, Baylor 10
Yeah, that's nice.
Alabama 41, Tennessee 17
Well, Tennessee also does a great deal to dispell the whole "legitimate conference" thing for the SEC, but I prefer to look at the positives of Alabama also adding depth the conference. Plus, if we just blame this blowout and the one at the hands of Florida on Phil Fulmer, I think we all come out a lot happier
Pittsburgh 24, Cinncinati 17
Well, thankfully South Florida has lost, so my plea of a few weeks ago that Cinncinati manage to remain undefeated so that they will win the Big East rather than the Bulls is no longer necessary, as I feel much more comfortable riding with West Virginia the rest of the way. But, on the other hand, Damn you, Cinncinati, way to give Dave Wannstedt a win.
Oklahoma State 41, Kansas State 39
Its funny how one big win over an extremely mediocre Texas team keeps tossing Kansas State back into the rankings long enough for a loss to an unranked team the next week. Last time it was Kansas, this time it was Mike Gundy's team. He's a grown man, he's forty!
and finally..
Michigan 27, Illinois 17
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck penalties that keep drives going, fuck a coach who jerks two inexperienced quarterbacks around like its a game of Russian Roulette wherever every chamber is loaded, fuck Lloyd Carr, fuck the fact that stupid penalties and turnovers blew every chance Illinois had of beating a crippled Michigan team that started without Mike Hart and lost Chad Henne and Mario Manningham for great stretches of the game. Fuck.
And now my rankings.
1. Michael Scott
2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
3. Alexander Graham Bell
4. Nachos Bell Grande
5. Jessica Alba
6. Captain Murphy
7. John Daly
8. Texas Tech
9. Dr. Perry Cox
10. I'm stopping here because you're probably still looking at Jessica Alba
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Oh, Your Ass is SOOO Fucking Redacted.
Hey, you!
Yes you, the hopelessly befuddled football "coach".
Look, I really wanted to like you. After a 4-19 start the last two years I had the balls to go against the entire blogosphere and remove your [Redacted] label as it applied to you as head coach of the Fighting Illini. I praised your still undeniably great recruting abilities. But recruiting does not make the coach, my friend. So looking at the overall image of your "coaching", I'm forced to do this by your own hand. That's right, "coach". Your ass is RE-REDACTED. God fucking damn you, kind sir. You know what you have cost me this day? A chance at glory. I stood on the cusp of unlimited, immortal glory. I could have stood over the shattered soul of Iggins! as his season finally, completely, sunk into unmitigated despair. But thanks to you, oh genius of the gridiron, I have lost that chance. You have given Iggins! the bragging rights, sir, and for this you may never be forgiven. Now, even should we finish the regular season 11-2 with a Big Ten Title and BCS bowl win (which only seems incredibly fucking unlikely with your solid steering of the helm, Captain Jackass), Iggins! shall have his glorious exclamation point with which to cast our entire season aside in shame. You had better go undefeated as mentioned above, "Coach". You know why? Because that's the only way to avoid the fate that you have now set before yourself at my hands, sir. Had you won this week, you could have lost every game the rest of the way and finished 6-6 after a third tier bowl loss and I'd have been fine. But no, you had to accept penalties, not once, but TWICE, that would have forced Iowa into 4th down had you declined them. You had to run the option every fucking time, when every single person watching that game knew it would fail. You know what you should have done, "coach"? What Iowa lined up and dared you to do. You should have abandoned your glitzy offense, lined up man to man, overpowered a less talented team, and you should have HANDED RASHARD MENDENHALL THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU FUCKING COCK! Not on an option pitch, not on a toss, you should have handed off the fucking ball to your powerhouse running back and let him pound his way through a defense that was daring him to try. But now that you have cost me glory over Iggins!, you must finish perfect the rest of the way or you have set into action events which can not end well for either of us, Sir. For should you lose to Michigan next week in Memorial Stadium, or even to Ohio State, I will be waiting for you. I will hunt you down in a cold fury, determined to enact my bloody revenge for this day. I will lurk in the shadows, Coach Zook. I will cover myself in the blood of my enemies who have preceeded you and I will add your bones to their heap. I will confront you in the shadows outside of your home, instilling myself with courage from a bottle of Jack Daniels, and when I have had my fill I shall shatter that bottle upon the ground between us and brawl you on the shattered glass and spilled whiskey. The battle that will follow will result only in your demise or mine, or both of us, but even if you should crawl away from the chaos covered in the blood and whiskey and glass, you will be nothing but a fragile shell of the man you are today. I will unleash my battle cry, and with it I will consume your soul, Coach Zook. And know that that was the last time you shall hear your name uttered in the halls of this website, barring nothing short of a BCS Bowl win or four straight wins over Iowa to erase the shame of this one. The time is now, Coach [Redacted], the time is now.
Yes you, the hopelessly befuddled football "coach".
Look, I really wanted to like you. After a 4-19 start the last two years I had the balls to go against the entire blogosphere and remove your [Redacted] label as it applied to you as head coach of the Fighting Illini. I praised your still undeniably great recruting abilities. But recruiting does not make the coach, my friend. So looking at the overall image of your "coaching", I'm forced to do this by your own hand. That's right, "coach". Your ass is RE-REDACTED. God fucking damn you, kind sir. You know what you have cost me this day? A chance at glory. I stood on the cusp of unlimited, immortal glory. I could have stood over the shattered soul of Iggins! as his season finally, completely, sunk into unmitigated despair. But thanks to you, oh genius of the gridiron, I have lost that chance. You have given Iggins! the bragging rights, sir, and for this you may never be forgiven. Now, even should we finish the regular season 11-2 with a Big Ten Title and BCS bowl win (which only seems incredibly fucking unlikely with your solid steering of the helm, Captain Jackass), Iggins! shall have his glorious exclamation point with which to cast our entire season aside in shame. You had better go undefeated as mentioned above, "Coach". You know why? Because that's the only way to avoid the fate that you have now set before yourself at my hands, sir. Had you won this week, you could have lost every game the rest of the way and finished 6-6 after a third tier bowl loss and I'd have been fine. But no, you had to accept penalties, not once, but TWICE, that would have forced Iowa into 4th down had you declined them. You had to run the option every fucking time, when every single person watching that game knew it would fail. You know what you should have done, "coach"? What Iowa lined up and dared you to do. You should have abandoned your glitzy offense, lined up man to man, overpowered a less talented team, and you should have HANDED RASHARD MENDENHALL THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU FUCKING COCK! Not on an option pitch, not on a toss, you should have handed off the fucking ball to your powerhouse running back and let him pound his way through a defense that was daring him to try. But now that you have cost me glory over Iggins!, you must finish perfect the rest of the way or you have set into action events which can not end well for either of us, Sir. For should you lose to Michigan next week in Memorial Stadium, or even to Ohio State, I will be waiting for you. I will hunt you down in a cold fury, determined to enact my bloody revenge for this day. I will lurk in the shadows, Coach Zook. I will cover myself in the blood of my enemies who have preceeded you and I will add your bones to their heap. I will confront you in the shadows outside of your home, instilling myself with courage from a bottle of Jack Daniels, and when I have had my fill I shall shatter that bottle upon the ground between us and brawl you on the shattered glass and spilled whiskey. The battle that will follow will result only in your demise or mine, or both of us, but even if you should crawl away from the chaos covered in the blood and whiskey and glass, you will be nothing but a fragile shell of the man you are today. I will unleash my battle cry, and with it I will consume your soul, Coach Zook. And know that that was the last time you shall hear your name uttered in the halls of this website, barring nothing short of a BCS Bowl win or four straight wins over Iowa to erase the shame of this one. The time is now, Coach [Redacted], the time is now.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics Part II
After the first two rounds, we have Illinois and Iowa tied 1-1, so here are the final three rounds to determine who truly deserves our praise as a football team.
Round 3: Head Coaches
I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.
Illinois- Ron Zook
Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.
Head Coaching Record: UF- 23-15. Illinois- 9-20 Overall: 32-35, 47% Winning Percentage. Bowl Games: 0-3
Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing (www.fireronzook.com) up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and ....do whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.
Seriously, I don't want to know.
Iowa- Kirk Ferentz
Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.
Head Coaching Record: Maine-12-21, Iowa 57-45, Career:69-66. 51 % Winning Percentage. Bowls: 3-3.
Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.
Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois
Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.
Illinois- Kurt Kittner 1998-2001
College Statistics: 43 games, 682 comp./1264 attempts. 8,722 yds. 70 touchdowns, 34 interceptions.
Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.
Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).
Iowa- Brad Banks 2001-2002
College Statistics: Passing- 23 games, 213 comp./362 attempts. 3,155 yds. 30 tds, 7 interceptions. Rushing- 122 attempts, 574 yards. 4.7 yards per rush. 7 tds.
Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."
Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.
Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa
Round 5: Mascot
Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).
Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.
Iowa: Herky the Hawk
Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.
Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois
Game, Set, and Match
Round 3: Head Coaches
I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.
Illinois- Ron Zook
Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.
Head Coaching Record: UF- 23-15. Illinois- 9-20 Overall: 32-35, 47% Winning Percentage. Bowl Games: 0-3
Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing (www.fireronzook.com) up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and ....do whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.
Seriously, I don't want to know.
Iowa- Kirk Ferentz
Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.
Head Coaching Record: Maine-12-21, Iowa 57-45, Career:69-66. 51 % Winning Percentage. Bowls: 3-3.
Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.
Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois
Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.
Illinois- Kurt Kittner 1998-2001
College Statistics: 43 games, 682 comp./1264 attempts. 8,722 yds. 70 touchdowns, 34 interceptions.
Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.
Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).
Iowa- Brad Banks 2001-2002
College Statistics: Passing- 23 games, 213 comp./362 attempts. 3,155 yds. 30 tds, 7 interceptions. Rushing- 122 attempts, 574 yards. 4.7 yards per rush. 7 tds.
Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."
Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.
Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa
Round 5: Mascot
Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).
Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.
Iowa: Herky the Hawk
Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.
Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois
Game, Set, and Match
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
BAH BAH BAH! BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH! BUM BUM BUM BUMM BUUUM BUM BUMBUMBUMBUMBUM!
Yes, folks. Its Illinois-Iowa week at Start Kyle Orton. For once I'm the one filled with possibly outrageous expectations of a Big Ten Title and Iggins! is the one nearly left in suicidal despair over the tragic/hysterical play of his beleagured Hawkeyes. Illinois is currently a 3.5 point favorite over the struggling Hawkeyes in Iowa City. This is indeed a departure from recent history if you'll look at the last several Illini-Hawkeye games..
2006- Iowa 24, Illinois 7
2005-Iowa 35, Illinois 7
2004- Iowa 23, Illinois 13
2003- Iowa 41, Illinois 10
2000-Illinois 31, Iowa 0
Yes, that's right, it's been SEVEN YEARS since Illinois beat the Iowa Hawkeyes. At this point I don't care what anybody says, most of all Iggins!, as an Illini fan, I'm not taking this one as a given until the final whistle. God I hate Iowa. I hate everything about that completely pointless state, its athletics program, the fact that their milquetoast football coach is the highest paid employee in the state, the fact that not ONE person from that entire state knows how to drive a car, the fact that every year in basketball Illinois has a vastly superior team and yet always manages to either lose or so severely play below their ability to the Hawkeyes that Iowa fans have reason to throw a "yeah, but.." in our face every damn time.
Example :
Code Red: Man, those 37-2 2004-2005 Illini had some great players.
Iggins!: Yeah, but you only beat a 21-12 Hawkeyes team by 5. IN ASSEMBLY HALL!! SOMEHOW, BY MY TWISTED LOGIC THAT BASICALLY MEANS IOWA WON! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Code Red: Fuck you!
Iggins!: Besides, college basketball is only the bastard stepchild of college football, and you haven't beat us since 2000.
Code Red: No! College basketball is the best collegiate sport!
Well folks, we all know for a fact that college basketball is in fact, inferior to college football. Please, Illinois, win this game and let me for once embrace college football and have something, anything to crush Iggins! with.
(and yes, I did refer to Kirk Ferentz as "milquetoast". But its true! I imagine a conversation between Coach Zook and Coach Ferentz being something like this...
Zook: Hey, Coach Ferentz! How the hell are you?!
Ferentz: Oh, I'm good. Took the wife to Red Lobster last night, had the uh, garlic shrimp scampi. It was...it was nice, you know, not too expensive, nothing fancy. Just a good meal. Zook: That's fantastic! Red Lobster RAWKS! I go there all the time when I'm trying to recruit some blue chippers! Surf 'n' Turf gets the Zookster PUMPED!Ferentz: Yeah, it's one of the wife's favorites. Like to take her there on special occassions. How are you feeling with the big season and all, looks like a good team you've got.Zook: Could not be more EXCITED! Everything's getting BETTER and BETTER! (Bashes head into wall four times, runs off screaming).Ferentz: What an interesting young man. )
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