Thursday, April 2, 2009

All Good Things...

Today is a day of shock and confusion for Start Kyle Orton. As you will undoubtedly have heard by the time you read today's article, the Chicago Bears have acquired Pro-Bowl Quarterback Jay Cutler from the Denver Broncos in exchange for Kyle Orton and a shit ton of draft picks.. I am of two minds about this, two hearts rent asunder. One embraces this brave new world Jerry Angelo has embarked upon, one where he actively attempts to improve this team by going after the best available players (he's also signed two tackles in Kevin Shaffer and Orlando Pace), while the other feels the loss of Kyle as though a family member has passed and gone. Kyle meant a lot of things to a lot of people in his time in Chicago- to Deadspin he was a Deadspin Hall of Famer, forever beloved for the pictures of his drunken debauchery. To the meatheads in 2006, he was "dat guy who went 10-5, Grossman sucks ass!" To Jerry Angelo he was "Please God show them I can evaluate a quarterback." At least he was for a while. In the end, to Jerry, he was "fuck, if I can't grow one of my own I'll take that one with the shiny arm!"

But to me he was one of my favorite college quarterbacks of all time (two of my others: Rex Grossman and Shane Matthews. Christ I can pick 'em), who seemed the most acceptable alternative to me should I ever be broken of my unshakeable faith in Rex Grossman (Newsflash: I was). He was the biggest steal the Bears ever got, I was certain. A sure-fire first rounder whom had landed in the fourth due to a hip pointer and cruel fate. And last of all, much like Rex in the first half of 2006, for the first 7 1/2 games of last year, he was "the savior." That ended of course with his ankle injury against the Lions, and the kid who came back was not the one who had left. There were plenty of reasons to deflect the blame for the Bears late season troubles off of Kyle. The team had a weak offensive line, no certifiable wide receivers, and a defense that played somewhat shy of adequate. These problems all exist, and will no doubt confront Jay Cutler. But I am not stupid.

In all honesty, Jay Cutler is probably as talented as a quarterback gets. Kyle most certainly is not. Cutler has the arm strength and mobility that Kyle will never have. While Jay's maturity is no doubt in question, this was the right move for the Bears. I hope Kyle finds a niche for himself in Denver. I'm sure with Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal catching his passes he'll probably put up great numbers, and hell, if Josh McDaniel's offense could make Matt Cassel look good, I'm sure Kyle will look like Steve Young. I'm not sure what to do about the name of this website, but I'll most likely leave it as it is. It will forever remain an homage to the man with the neckbeard that taught us all to love, and laugh, and live life the way it was meant to be lived. The truth is, Kyle will never truly leave us, for we all have a little Kyle Orton in us. For remember: Kyle will be around in the dark, he'll be there. Wherever you look, wherever there's a bar, so thirsty people can drink, Kyle will be there. Wherever there's a tight end looking for a five yard hitch, Kyle will be there. Kyle will be in the way Bears fans yell when they're gettin' mad. He'll be in the way little kids laugh when the Bears are beating the Packers and Aaron Rodgers get's sacked, and when people are drinkin' the booze they bought and sleepin' in the vomit they produced, Kyle'll be there, too.

It is with this that I submit that Start Kyle Orton become more than a chant to see our hero on gameday, I propose that you all take the phrase "Start Kyle Orton" to heart. Whenever the work day's rough, and you pass the local watering hole, go in, ask for a shot of Jack Daniels and tell the bartender "its time to Start Kyle Orton." Whenever you wake up in the morning and think about shaving that 5 o'clock shadow, remember the Neckbeard, and think, "fuck this, its time to Start Kyle Orton." And the next time, the next time you get your moment in the sun after years of waiting patiently, look up to the sky and say "World, it's time to Start Kyle Orton." Good night, and God bless.





Good Bye, You King of Iowa, You Prince of the Midwest.