Tuesday, October 23, 2007

College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings 10/23/07

Yes, yes, these are several days late, but I make no excuses to you.

Anywho, in a brief stepdown from my militancy of last week, I will at least give the "rankings" the token acknowledgement of reporting on the results of games involving the Top 25 last week. Then I will provide rankings of my own, still lacking in any real relevance to the game of college football, so, equally as important as the current AP and BCS rankings

Ohio State 24, Michigan State 17
Yeah. Let's just get this out, if I haven't made it clear already. OHIO STATE IS A MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL TEAM! THE BCS IS RAPING OUR DIGNITY! Todd Boeckman (or Krenzel The Deuce) and company managed to drop a whopping 24 points on the vaunted Michigan State defense, proving once and for all that this shit's just getting ridiculous.

Rutgers 30, South Florida 27
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, thank you Greg Schiano for finally dispelling the possibility of South Florida in the national title game. If Ohio State playing in the national title game this year may be college football's version of the Rape of Nanking, Ohio State playing South Florida would be the apocalypse of all that is good and holy about college football.

Oklahoma 17, Iowa State 7
Look, I can accept the fact that Oklahoma, in this fucked up travesty of a season, is now #4. I accept that there's still a very decent possibility that despite losing to Colorado, they could go to the national title game after running the table. But I can only warn you of the danger of an Ohio State-Oklahoma national title game. If this scenario were to occur, I wouldn't even call it the national title game, but the Tressel-Stoops Red And White Puntfest Overtime Smackdown. Iowa State people! IOWA STATE! Texas, in whats shaping up to be their most mediocre year of the Mack Brown era, beat the Cyclones 56-3. Fuck the BCS, fuck, fuck fuck.

LSU 30, Auburn 24
The true number one team in the nation wins on a last second TESTICLES!!! pass against bitter rival Auburn. Can't you people just accept that the SEC is the only legit conference in college football? DON'T YOU SEE! THE BCS IS A SCAM! JIM DELANY KEEPS IT ALIVE BECAUSE ITS THE MOST BRILLIANT WAY TO KEEP THE BIG TEN RELEVANT! FUCK THE BCS! FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Vanderbilt 17, South Carolina 6
Well, not, 100% legit. Look, once in a decade you take a shit while playing Vanderbilt, it happens. But South Carolina? Probably Big Ten, ACC, and possibly even Big East champions if you let them. That's not to say the SEC is so deep that this is still a legitimate loss for South Carolina. They dropped the ball, but they're still a good team.

Oregon 55, Washington 34
I've yet to see Oregon play live this year, so I can't pass an accurate assessment on them yet, but from what I've heard and seen in the scores and stats, this looks like a solid, solid team, with a scary good offense and Dennis Dixon is easily the best quarterback in the Pac 10

Florida 45, Kentucky 37
Andre Woodson throws 5 tds. TEBOW throws four and runs for a fifth. I want to crossbreed Tebow and Woodson and then use the superprodigy quarterback to spearhead my march to world domination. TEBOW!

West Virginia 38, Miss. St 13
I sincerely hope West Virginia takes advantage of the get out of jail free card that South Florida handed them this week and runs the table the rest of the way to win the Big East and its bid to the BCS, thus providing Steve Slaton with a victorious send off to the NFL. (and by the NFL, I mean the Bears, Please, Jesus? Please?)

UCLA 30, Cal 21
Look, UCLA, it was cute at first. "Oh look at Karl Dorrell, aww, he's got a chance to go 10-0 before playing USC and he loses to Arizona, isn't that adorable?" But now, UCLA, its getting fucking old. Either lose out and get that guy fired, or win out and beat USC, we're tired of your up and down roller coaster ride of shit.

USC 38, Notre Dame 0
God damn, do I hate USC, but Notre Dame is now 1-7. Soak it in. Bask in it. Let it wrap you in its warmth and carry you off to a place where no one feels any pain....except snooty Notre Dame loving bastards, who are regularly roasted on a spit of eternal hellfire.

Kansas 19, Colorado 14
Kansas continues to win, making the Mangino happy. When the Mangino is happy, we all feel relatively safe. When he is not, well, just pray Kansas wins.

Missouri 41, Texas Tech 10
Holllllyyyy Shit. I expected Texas Tech to make this game competitive, but in the battle of the two best quarterbacks in the Big 12, neither one shined, as Chase Daniel of Missouri was merely an efficient 14 of 19 for 210 yards and a td and pick each, whereas Graham Harrell lit the torch on his underdog Heisman campaign with a Colt Brennanesque "I'm on national tv? Well I'd best throw four interceptions.." performance.

Texas 31, Baylor 10
Yeah, that's nice.

Alabama 41, Tennessee 17
Well, Tennessee also does a great deal to dispell the whole "legitimate conference" thing for the SEC, but I prefer to look at the positives of Alabama also adding depth the conference. Plus, if we just blame this blowout and the one at the hands of Florida on Phil Fulmer, I think we all come out a lot happier

Pittsburgh 24, Cinncinati 17
Well, thankfully South Florida has lost, so my plea of a few weeks ago that Cinncinati manage to remain undefeated so that they will win the Big East rather than the Bulls is no longer necessary, as I feel much more comfortable riding with West Virginia the rest of the way. But, on the other hand, Damn you, Cinncinati, way to give Dave Wannstedt a win.

Oklahoma State 41, Kansas State 39
Its funny how one big win over an extremely mediocre Texas team keeps tossing Kansas State back into the rankings long enough for a loss to an unranked team the next week. Last time it was Kansas, this time it was Mike Gundy's team. He's a grown man, he's forty!

and finally..

Michigan 27, Illinois 17
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck penalties that keep drives going, fuck a coach who jerks two inexperienced quarterbacks around like its a game of Russian Roulette wherever every chamber is loaded, fuck Lloyd Carr, fuck the fact that stupid penalties and turnovers blew every chance Illinois had of beating a crippled Michigan team that started without Mike Hart and lost Chad Henne and Mario Manningham for great stretches of the game. Fuck.

And now my rankings.

1. Michael Scott

2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

3. Alexander Graham Bell
4. Nachos Bell Grande

5. Jessica Alba

6. Captain Murphy

7. John Daly

8. Texas Tech
9. Dr. Perry Cox

10. I'm stopping here because you're probably still looking at Jessica Alba

Brian Griese: Sunday, 3:30 ct

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(First Bears drive of the game goes run, run, 3 yard out route on 3rd and 6, punt)

Griese: "Me no happy... me remember... me remember time when me were good..."

Disembodied Voice: "Brian? Brian!"

Griese: "Eh?"

Disembodied Voice: "Brian, I've finally found them. I can't believe that asshole Shanahan... honestly, he's a dick..."

Griese: "Where voice come from?"

Disembodied Voice: "Oh, God. You've deteriorated so badly you don't even recognize that my voice is coming from inside your helmet. Brian, it's me. RON TURNER!!"

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Brian: "Ron Turner?"

Ron: "Thank God. Yes, it's me, Ron. Brian, I've sent a runner down to the sideline. He will have two items that were stolen from you on your departure from Denver. Items you forgot even existed. I believe you will find them to your liking."

Brian: "Gift for Brian?"

Ron: "Yes. And a gift to Chicago as well, Brian. A gift to us all."

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(The Riders of Rohan pour out from the Lincoln Financial Field tunnel and race for Brian Griese. The horsemen surround Brian Griese. One of the soldiers, carrying a large satchel, dismounts and addresses Brian.)

Rider: "Good sir, we fought many a hard battle for these two items. The forces of Shana-han combined with the terror of Brett Favre's undead army... many good men were lost. All for these. Please; use them. Regain what you once had. Take your place."

The rider opens the satchel to reveal:

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Rider: "... your testicles. The fiery red testicle of Lok'Grammir that holds the power to throw the ball over twenty yards accurately, and with passion. And the blue testicle of Rik'Thall that allows for intelligent gun-slinging. A deadly pair once held by Brett Favre, but now in your possession good sir."

Griese: "My... my balls..."

Rider: " Ah you remember! But the best is here. The final item we recovered..."

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Brian: "Brain!?"

Rider: "Yes. This brain was stolen from you by the sodomites and Mike Shanahan long ago. This will allow you to hear Ron Turner's suggestions and to read defenses like a true quarterback."

(Rider places brain and testicles back into Brian Griese. A Holy light engulfs Lincoln Financial Field. The light abates...)

Brian: "I... I remember... I remember everything! I am a good quarterback! I be good!... oh shit!"

Ron Turner: "It may take a while for them to work to their full capacity, Brian... Oh shit! We're back on offense! Get out there!"

Brian: "Yes, sir!"

(Brian Griese leads the Bears on several stellar drives but fails to capitalize. The Bears go into the half down 9-3. In the locker-room at the half:)

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Ron: "Brian, your... ahem... 'items' are working at approximately 60% capacity. Can you win this game?"

Brian: " I can. And I will."

(Back on the field, fourth quarter. The Bears have added three more field goals on stellar Bear drives.)

Griese: " It's working... but not enough. I'm not there yet. God I hope McNabb doesn't-

(Donovan McNabb scores a TD)

Griese: "Awww fuck."

(1:52 to go in the fourth quarter. Ball on the Bears 3 yard line. Brian Griese sees his Bears seem doubtful. Griese walks to the huddle)

Griese: "Guys, we can do this. I'm back. My balls and my brain are back. We ca-

(Griese's headset goes out)

Griese: "Oh Christ."

(Brian calls a play and walks to the line of scrimmage. Just before the ball is snapped...)

Disembodied voice: "Brian?"

Brian: "Ron?"

Disembodied voice: "No, my son. It is I, the son of man."

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(Jesus the Christ descends in all his glory. Brian realizes that time has stopped.)

Jesus F'in Christ: "Brian, I see you're in a bit of trouble here."

Brian: "Yeah... I got my balls and my brain back but these goddamn- oh sorry-

Jesus: "Don't worry, happens all the time."

Brian " These goshdarned things won't work completely until the game is over..."

Jesus: "Well, I think we can fix that-"

(Christ Jesus grabs Brian Griese's package and squeezes. The most beautiful light in existence spills forth. When Brian comes to he is under center on the 3 yard line with 1:52 to play against the Philadelphia Eagles)

Brian: "My... my balls are working at full capacity!... I find Ayn Rand's works to be compelling and thought-provoking! I'm conservative again! It appears as though my brain is working again, too!"

(Brian takes the snap and engineers a 97 yard drive with no helmet communication capped by a TD to Muhsin Muhammad. Brian is running towards Muhsin to celebrate the TD. As he does he looks into the sky...)

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Jesus: "Use them well my son."

( Brian winks at the sky as he is mobbed by teammates)

Fin.