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Monday, October 1, 2007

Open Letter to the Chicago Bears

In the second to last appearance of Da Superfans on Saturday Night Live, the sketch featured the group of them writing an angry letter to the Chicago Bears over the firing of Mike Ditka. In the spirit of that letter, we of Start Kyle Orton present the following open letter to the Chicago Bears, pleading for our neckbearded hero.

Chicago Bears,
October 1, 2007

Dear Chicago football team, whom we humbly address as Da Bears (both raise glasses in toast, even though the words are written, not spoken out loud), yesterday, Sunday, September 30, 2007, we witnessed an atrocity befall the ranks of Da Bears (glasses raised again). Upon benching the once promising Rex Grossman (both begin to weep uncontrollably, Code Red summons strength to continue writing), Coach Lovie Smith made the decision to start one Brian Griese (immediate look of disgust, both turn and spit on the floor). Now we loyal Bears fans have seen our fair share of miserable quarterbacks. We also seem to have taken on the burden of bearing Green Bay, Minnesota, San Fransisco, and Miami's fair share of miserable quarterbacks. At this point, however, with a team in desparation, searching for the wayward road back to the Superbowl, we feel that returning to a weak-armed, journeyman quarterback who bares the eternal shame of having earned Michigan a national title, is not in our best interests. Rex Grossman may have heaved the ball 40 yards downfield everytime, but at least in doing so he proved he could, and many of his interceptions served as 1st, 2nd, or 3rd down punts. Brian Griese, the supposedly safe veteran, managed to throw the ball more than 20 yards once, and managed to get intercepted 3 times. Now, Lovie we ask not that you turn back to Rex (Code Red begins sobbing, Iggins! pats him on the shoulder), but merely that you look to an old friend to lead us back to the promised land. Sir, Kyle Orton is not merely a man, but a 6'4 representation of all that the city of Chicago and the Chicago Bears stand for. He's tall, stout, covered in hair, prone to massive consumption of alcohol, and like the city itself once stood on the cusp of pure greatness (Super Bowl Champion, Heisman Trophy Winner), but because of injury and missteps fell short and was eclipsed by flashier alternatives closer to the coasts (New England, Matt Leinart). Kyle represents our last, great hope, Coach Smith. (Iggins! sneezes, snot lands on paper). You may notice the snot on this letter, oh great Coach. That snot is symbolic of the message you would be sending to your team and the whole of Bears fandom by starting Mr. Griese on Sunday against Green Bay. It would be slimy, messy, and the name itself evokes the image of something disgusting. Do the right thing, Coach Smith, start Kyle Orton.
Concerned Fans.

Inside Lovie Smith's Office

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(Lovie hits button on his desk phone)

Secretary: Yes, sir?

Lovie: You can send in Griese now.

Secretary: Yes sir.

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Griese: Yes, sir?

Lovie: Sit down, son.

(Brian sits down)

Lovie: We have a problem here, Brian. You see, you suck.

Brian: I not good?

Lovie: No, son, you're terrible. See, you're a lot like that fire extinguisher at your high school. Remember that thing? It was made in the twenties? Hadn't worked for thirty years? It was basically just there to look good and make people think they were safe because nobody expected to ever have to use it. Y' understand?

Brian: I love bench.

Lovie: Well that's good, cuz you're gonna be on it for a while now Brian. We're starting Orton.

Brian: Bench good.

Lovie: Yes it is, son. Now go grab a clipboard and practice your signals.

(Brian leaves the room. Lovie calls his secretary again.)

Lovie: You can send in Ron, now.

Secretary: Yes, sir.

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Ron Turner: Yeah, Lovie? Whaddya need?

Lovie: Please sit down.

(Ron sits down)

Lovie: Ron, I took a glance at your playbook last night, an-

Ron: Did you like it? I added a few more plays I think'll really help the offense.

Lovie: Ron, your entire playbook consists of out routes, TE posts, dives, and bubble screens to Hester.

Ron: Don't forget HB screens!

Lovie: See, Ron, that's the problem. If I wanted that playbook I'd be paying John Shoop. You're fired.

Ron: What? Who am I being replaced with?

Lovie: You can send him in, secretary.

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Lovie Smith: AIR RAID!

Mike Leach: AIR RAID!

Bernard Berrian, Rashied Davis, Mark Bradley: AIR RAID!

Kyle Orton: I'M DRUNK!... oh, and AIR RAID!

Iggins! Power Rankings

I'll leave college football rankings to the blogger whose college team has a winning record, however senile (He praised [NAME REDACTED]!) he might be. As for the NFL, I can handle that since both of us have a nuclear disaster for a team. A couple college notes first:

-Wisconsin looks eerily like the OSU championship team from 2002. Barely beating bad teams, barely beating good teams. Watch out for them.

-Speaking of nuclear disasters, 6 of the top 13 lose?! Kentucky is in the top ten?! USF is in the top ten?! what the hell happened here?

-On to the rankings

32) Miami Dolphins

WTF Happened here?"
31) St. Louis Rams
30) New Orleans Saints

Terrible, but not the Dolphins:
29) New York Jets
28) Buffalo Bills
27) Minnesota Vikings
26) Atlanta Falcons

25) Chicago Bears (Go Cubs?)
24) San Diego Chargers
23) Philadelphia Eagles

This won't last:
22) Oakland Raiders
21) Kansas City Chiefs
20) Arizona Cardinals
19) Cincinnati Bengals
18) Cleveland Browns

Mediocrity is delicious:
17) San Francisco 49ers
16) Carolina Panthers
15) Houston Texans (Just when we wanted to believe in Schaub...they give the soon to 1-15 Falcons their one.)
14) Jacksonville Jaguars
13) Washington Redskins
12) New York Giants
11) Denver Broncos (why are the Broncos overrated every year? There shouldn't be a Denver bias!)
10) Baltimore Ravens

9) Detroit Lions
8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Teams that are actually good:
7) Seattle Seahawks
6) Pittsburgh Steelers (Lost to Arizona? Really?)
5) Tennessee Titans

4) Green Bay Packers (It BURRRRRRNSES)
3) Indianapolis Colts

The Evil Empire:
1) New England Patriots