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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

(Before this starts, a little background. 1) I am a hardcore gamer. I know everything that happens and has happened in the video game industry. How I manage this and still have a prevalent social life is one of life's great mysteries. 2) I have a vigorous passion for fighting, especially the UFC. My first full UFC event was Liddell vs. Sobral, and since then I've watched every one I can, plus the Ultimate Fighter. 3) These two things combined are horrifying, as is about to be demonstrated in a new segment I like to call UFC time with Kratos, God of War.)

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Bow, mortal, for I am he who slayed Ares. I once ripped off Medusa's head, turned three other gorgons to stone, broke them into pieces, then shit down their throats. I am that badass. As such I only take interest in the most badass of sports, MMA. Although your pitiful mortal fighting styles PALE in comparison to the DESTRUCTION, MAYHEM, CHAOS, AND DISASTER that my Blades of Chaos can bring, it still amuses me to watch you filthy creatures battle as you do.

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UFC 79: Nemesis
Indeed, the time has come. Fear for your livelihoods, humans, for the UFC has finally announced the long-awaited match that would pit Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva. The match was talked about for some time, but was put on hold several times (Probably because the puny Liddell creature LOST his title then LOST to Keith Jardine). However, putting that aside, Liddell is still a world class fighter. This God believes he was merely caught napping against Jardine and that he will show up to fight this battle, a match he has desperately wanted to fight for years. The most impressive part of all this MADNESS is that this fight isn't even the main event. That would be Matt Serra vs. Matt Hughes for the Welterweight title. I shall be cheering for Matt Serra because he is a WARRIOR, whereas Matt Hughes is a bible-pushing BITCH. My blades would take but ONE MIGHTY SWING to SPLIT his HEAD IN TWO. Serra would take two strokes of my blades at least.

I LAUGH At your pitiful fight card
The announcement of those two fantastic matches at UFC 79 could not have come at a better time, considering that UFC 78's fight card does not even WHET MY APPETITE for destruction, pain, and calamity. The main event is not only a NON-title fight, but a NON-top contender match. My MIGHTY PENIS could slay both Micheal Bisping AND Rashad Evans in one FELL BLOW. The best fighter at the event is fighting Thiago Silva in the number two match, Houston "The Assassin" Alexander. I have seen this man work, and it is NEARLY as GLORIOUS and titilating as killing ONE HUNDRED MEN whilst FEASTING on their immortal SOULS. His last two matches were both stopped early in the first round due to Houston BEATING HIS OPPONENT WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS PUNY LIFE. Being as one of these opponents was Keith Jardine, the man who recently defeated Chuck Liddell, I do believe the main event should maybe have been Forrest Griffin vs. Houston Alexander? Forrest Griffin would be my HERO were I not enough hero for FIVE HUNDRED HEROES already. Coming off of a SHOCKING/AMAZING/STUNNING/BEAUTIFUL upset victory over the then-ranked #1 Light Heavyweight in the world (ed. by various sources), Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, it would only be natural for him to receive a number one contender match. Dana White, I suggest you COMPLY or you shall FEEL MY BLADES.

Brock Lesnar cometh

Yes, mortal, you heard me correctly:
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This creature has risen again, this time into the ranks of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. He was greeted with much SPECULATION and HATRED, but soon gained the respect of his training partners (The Quad Cities' own former UFC Champion, Pat Militich and lightweight champion Sean Sherk) by working HARDER than anyone they've ever seen and probably by CRUSHING their FRAGILE HUMAN BODIES. Brock will fight in the Heavyweight division. His first fight has YET TO BE announced, but Dana White has already said it will MOST DEFINITELY NOT be against Noguiera, Tim Sylvia, or any other Heavyweight contender. Quoth the raven:

“I respect that,” said White of Lesnar’s desire to fight anyone. “What I’ve seen from Brock Lesnar and from what I know of him so far from the conversations we’ve had is that he’s a real fighter. He’s one of those guys who wants to come in and fight the best, but there’s a progression that you need to have. You don’t just throw them to the wolves. Now, Brock Lesnar is a monster. He’s huge, he’s powerful, he’s incredibly gifted, he’s a great wrestler, but you have to take a guy through the steps the right way. He’s got to face similar competition on his way up even though his name precedes him. Now he’s gonna fight tough competition. Is he gonna walk right in the door and take on (Antonio Rodrigo) Nogueira? No, but he’s gonna work his way up like Brandon Vera and any of these other guys who fight in the UFC did. The difference is, once you get in the UFC, nobody’s a joke. All these guys in all these other organizations are either guys that we’ve cut because they couldn’t hack it in the UFC or guys we didn’t want to sign.”
- Dana White, UFC President
Regarding Brock Lesnar's proclamation that he could
fight anyone on the UFC heavyweight roster.

FEAR, mortal, for Lesnar has come. And he comes FOR YOU.

Iggins! power Rankings post-week 7

Power rankings time again, kiddies. Don't expect any more LOTR references... for now.

Wow, what the fuck happened here?
32) St. Louis Rams (Did Marc Bulger finally realize he's mediocre and just surrounded by talent like Holt and Jackson? Or did the Rams finally realize nobody cares about their division?)

Also total shit
31) Miami Dolphins

Still confused about how they got even one win...
30) Atlanta Falcons
29) New York Jets (They still won't start Kellen Clemens, eh? I've always doubted Kellen, and Red can attest to that, but still... you're 1-6. You aren't going to the playoffs. Might be time to give him a try.)

True Colors
28) Buffalo Bills
27) San Francisco 49ers
26) Oakland Raiders

Fuck these guys
25) Cincinnati Bengals

Sub mediocrity: Tastes like 6 victories
24) Minnesota Vikings (Their other 4 wins will come solely because of purple jesus)
23) Philadelphia Eagles
22) Cleveland Browns

Are they bad or good? Who the fuck knows
21) New Orleans Saints (Looking better and better... shit now I sound like [NAME REDACTED])
20) Houston Texans (Sage Rosenfels leads furious comeback... and Bironas kicks his 8th FG. These guys must have pissed God off.)
19) Arizona Cardinals

They're bad. Seriously, they are.
18) Baltimore Ravens
17) Kansas City Chiefs

If the were any more sporatic they'd be John Kerry
16) Chicago Bears

Mediocrity will get you... into the top 16?
15) Seattle Seahawks
14) Denver Broncos (Seriously, how the hell did they beat the Steelers? Is God taunting me? I know the Broncos aren't actually good, damnit.)
13) Tampa Bay Bucs (Ernest Graham is a beast. Still confused as to how the Lions won...)

These teams just should not be here. My head hurts.
12) Carolina Panthers (They drop one spot because Vinny got one week older)
11) Detroit Lions (NAY. NAY SAID GOD.)
10) Washington Redskins
9) Jacksonville Jaguars

8) New York Giants (Prepare for meltdown in t-minus 3 weeks)
7) San Diego Chargers (Ladanian Tomlinson is on fire! Literally! And so is his home!)
6) Tennessee Titans (They won, okay. They didn't have VY. Don't hate.)
5) Pittsburgh Steelers

Top Tier
4) Green Bay Packers (I have this feeling they're about to start losing)
3) Dallas Cowboys
2) Indianapolis Colts (ESPN is actually asking if Indy is better than Diablo. Nice job. Now you've summoned the second brother, assholes.)

Diablo and his brother, Baal, Lord of Destruction
1) New England Patriots (The expansion pack!)