Tuesday, October 12, 2010

In a Week With Many Contenders, Michael Silver Surprisingly Wins Award for Biggest Favre Dong Chugger

Not that "biggest" and "dong" should be in the same sentence as "Favre" at this point, but my God, can you get more delusional than this screed in which Silver talks about Favre as some kind of mythical hero despite him completing 41% of his passes and committing three costly turnovers in a loss? You know the drill, Silver's in italics.

Brett Favre’s return to the Meadowlands was a resounding flop. He was clearly undone by the NFL’s investigation of the lewd text messages he’s accused of having sent to a former New York Jets employee, not to mention a sore throwing elbow. And that whole Return of 84 thing? Randy Moss was but a whisper, having been completely neutralized by Antonio Cromartie.

So basically he sucked and Randy Moss didn't change that, nor did his presence change the fact that the Vikings have a shitty offensive line (which is apparently a requirement for membership in the NFC North). I like where you're going with this, Mike.

On one of the most hyped Monday nights in recent memory, the Minnesota Vikings had nothing.

That's not true. They have a 1-3 record!

And then, with 2:10 remaining in the third quarter, Favre dropped back, delivered a pass more perfect than a Hawaii sunset and changed everything – everything – about a game, a team and a still flickering dream.

Except it didn't change the fact that the Jets had the lead (which they never relinquished), it didn't change his team's losing record or their place in the standings, and it did absolutely nothing to change their flickering hopes. Because they lost. But let's judge Favre on the one or even all three of his blind luck passes to open receivers whom Rex Ryan inexplicably left in single coverage while nonsensically blitzing on 3rd and 17 or 3rd and 19, not the 20 incomplete passes he had (leaving him at 41.2% for the night).

Favre and the Vikings didn’t finish the job Monday, falling short by a 29-20 score after the Jets’ Dwight Loweryended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for touchdown. Yet even though they are 1-3 and 2½ games behind the Chicago Bears in the NFC North, the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia.

Wait. Didn't you just say he was clearly undone by the NFL's investigation? Also, let's fix that "ended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for a touchdown" by adding "that Favre threw. Straight at a defender. On a terrible throw." Because if we're judging Favre and the entire Vikings season on one pass, Mike, I choose that one.

When Favre floated that over-the-shoulder beauty to Moss down the right sideline – which the receiver caught after crossing the end line with Cromartie as close to him as legally possible – a light went on in the dormant purple-and-gold universe, and suddenly the quest to take that last, final step through the Super Bowl threshold was very much alive.

And then it was very much dead when Favre floated that side-armed beauty into the hands of a waiting Jets defender, who took it as far as legally required to score a game-clinching gift-wrapped touchdown.

As Favre jubilantly raced toward the end zone to bear-hug Moss and celebrate the 500th touchdown pass of his career, a thick layer of stress and negativity evaporated, and it was no longer about what was wrong with the team that last year came within a few blades of turf of going into New Orleans and winning the NFC championship game.

It was no longer about that because fucking fellatio artists like yourself decided to make it about all about adding another chapter to the epic saga of Favre-gamesh. The best part about this sentence is that just a few minutes later Favre HANDED THE GAME TO THE JETS ON A PICK SIX and the Vikings were 1-3 and left to wonder what is wrong with them (I've got a quick answer for them: It's the 41 year old bum playing quarterback). Oh also, they came within a few blades of turf and a BRETT FAVRE PICK THAT HANDED THE GAME TO THE SAINTS of winning the NFC championship game.

Now it was Favre, for the love of the game and within the us-against-the-world cocoon of devoted teammates, running around like no 41-year-old man should have a right to and making plays that no one else can, or ever could

No. Fuck you. Nothing Brett Favre does is for the love of the game. NOTHING. That myth died the second he forced his way out of retirement so he could play for the Jets and BY HIS OWN ADMISSION show Ted Thompson he could still play. It should have died again after he forced his release from the Jets so he could take the revenge one step further. It should have died after he claimed his holdout this summer wasn't about money before coming back the second the Vikings gave him a raise. He is the greatest narcissist in an industry that breeds nothing but narcissists. You people are pathetic.

Looping a ball off his back foot to Percy Harvin on a crossing route that the swift second-year receiver gathered in stride and took to the house.

Yeah, that was blind luck. He threw it off of his back foot, as you note, and Harvin barely gathered it in before racing for the first down and the touchdown because the Jets had called a blitz for no apparent reason and left him wide open. Any quarterback regardless of age could have made that throw. Well, except Todd Collins.

Putting a sick spin move on Vernon (The Ghost) Gholston to buy time on a two-point conversion attempt.

Which he didn't convert, because he threw an interception.

Delivering another resplendent TD pass to Harvin, then getting the ball back down two points with just under two minutes remaining and spines tingling all over the football-watching world, with a gleam in his eyes that said, “This is why I’m here.”

And then he THREW A TERRIBLE PASS THAT WAS INTERCEPTED AND RETURNED FOR A CLINCHING TOUCHDOWN. Holy shit, man. "gleam in his eyes"? How did you manage to type this with one hand in your pants? What the f*&k is wrong with you?

No, Favre didn’t pull off the fantastic finish. Realistically, he started too late, and he left himself too little margin for error.

No, Favre didn't pull of the fantastic finish. Realistically, he was mostly terrible all night and completed just 14 of 34 passes. He fumbled twice and threw a game-ending pick six. He left himself too little margin for error and yet still made three crippling errors. He has a 67 quarterback rating this year and 7 interceptions because he's old and terrible, but he made three lucky passes that didn't win his team the game and yet somehow outweigh all of the really, really terrible things he did that directly contributed to his team losing this game.

However, after the way he opened up the stormy New Jersey skies Monday night, don’t bury him or these Vikings until they’re mathematically eliminated. I’m guessing they flew home a rejuvenated, hopeful crew of believers, Moss included, and that beginning Sunday in the Metrodome against the Dallas Cowboys they’ll do everything they can to avoid waiting until late in the third quarter to put opposing defenses on blast.

Right. Don't count the Vikings out of playoff contention until they're out of playoff contention. Also, apparently you didn't see Favre's mopey ass press conference, where he looked like a tired ass old man.

Even if those 17 minutes of magic were the last we’ll ever get from Favre, I’ll be grateful, for they were that good. But I really, really get the feeling that he’s pretty far from done.

I'll be grateful, too, because I thoroughly enjoy watching Brett Favre cost his team games by throwing the ball directly to opposing teams. I really, really get the feeling that it's not the last time he'll fuck his teammates over like that.

College Football Roundup, Week 6

Illinois 33, Penn State 13
That was a total shot in the dark. I had zero faith that Illinois would actually do this, regardless of whether or not I picked them. That was awesome. A bowl actually seems LIKELY at this point (Coach [Redacted] will now lose 6 straight).

Michigan State 34, Michigan 17
This was about what I expected. Michigan just doesn't have the....anything..to pair with Denard Robinson.

California 35, UCLA 7
Nevada curb-stomped Cal by 38 points. UCLA demolished Texas 32-7. The always correct transitive-property of college football thereby dictates that Nevada could beat Texas into the Sun Belt.

Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
Arkansas has a disturbing habit of racking up huge point totals in the first half and then puckering up in the second. Against Alabama, that's understandable, but against Jerrod Johnson it's concerning.

South Carolina 35, Alabama 21
Shocking. I wonder how badly Steve Spurrier regrets benching Stephen Garcia against Auburn right now. SC could be undefeated and sitting pretty atop the SEC.

Oregon State 29, Arizona 27
And Oregon State's annual run of midseason excellence begins.

LSU 33, Florida 29
Les Miles...fuck, I don't know.

Florida State 45, Miami 17
Yeah...the ACC blows.

Stanford 37, USC 35
Watching Kiffykins' get his heart torn out on last second field goals in back-to-back weeks makes for damn good television.

That's all for now.