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Saturday, December 22, 2007

I actually really like John Calipari


Holy shit! Wow we played well! I did not expect that at all!

Did we just beat Georgetown by 14? Really? What happened to Roy Hibbert?... he only scored 6 points? Fantastic! I am shocked.

God our guys played really well! I did not expect good play out of my guys! Joey Dorsey! Who would have though he'd play well? Golly he was good! How about our Freshmen? They're filthy little freshman and they played well!

And how about Dozier? Jesus, who the hell is that? I didn't even know he was on my team! This was a fascinating game for me!

How is it possible that I can be so surprised about my own players on the No. 2 team in the nation playing well?! I'm John fuckin Calipari! I'm gonna go watch the game tapes from the last couple of games! I was just spacin out, I figured we sucked!

What a world!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


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Sooo... not quite this just yet.

Kyle Orton's performance last night was... well it was mediocre. As was pointed out to me, his stats were okay but his performance LOOKED pretty sad. However, at least half, if not more, of the blame should be placed squarely on the offensive line for false starting, not blocking, and allowing Fred Miller to breathe.

Ominous! I'd like everybody to digest, just one more time, the comparison to the Drew Brees and Derek Anderson situation. Kyle Orton might just need some hot shot rookie breathing down his neck to perform. Or maybe Donovan McNabb won't let him have a chance. Either way, BANZAI to our inevitable new QB next season!

GET ON YER EBAY! because FSU has a possibility of TWENTY fluckin player being suspended for their bowl game and 3 games next year. Apparently they've been cheating on online tests, to which I say, HOW THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU CHEAT on online tests?! The internet is right there!!!

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Cheating: Impossible to get caught via internet? NAY says FSU.

WHA?! The Pro Bowl rosters were announced today, and the two people who I thought were sure locks to go... did not! Brian Urlacher and Olin Kreutz will both be staying home (barring that they are, in fact, alternates, and that the men in front of them get injured). Going for the Bears will be Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris, Devin Hester, and Brendan Ayanbadejo.

Respect handed down in tasteful fashion, as Sean Taylor is elected to the Pro Bowl. He was having a great year, and he deserved/deserves to go. Why not elect him next year, too? We all know he'd have been there.

*Applesauce not included

Monday, December 17, 2007

The wait is over

We're under 12 hours away from the resurgence of man-God Kyle Orton, and as such I would like to demonstrate Kyle Orton: A History, as seen through the eyes of Iggins! and Code Red.

Kyle's senior season:

Iggins!: "Why was this guy supposed to win the Heisman? He lost to Iowa, he must suck!"
Code Red: "But he didn't play against Iowa you dipshit!!"

Draft Day:

Code Red: "It was a good move in a later round to grab a back up plan. If you haven't noticed the Bears need back up plans."
Iggins!: "But we have Grossman! He can't get hurt again, can he?!"
Code Red: "Why would you say that?!?!!?"

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Rx Grossman: "OWWWWW!! DAMNIT, WHY?!"
Iggins!: "Fuck... did I do that?"

Beginning of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!, Code Red: "Well, at least he isn't Chad Hutchinson."

Middle of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!: "He threw 5 INTs to the Bengals... that isn't so good. But we're winning... how are we winning?"
Code Red: "He's a rookie, and we have a great defense... but 5 is a bit much."

End of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins! & Code Red: "So yeah, we're 11-5. But let's not credit that to Orton. Maybe in a couple years, if Grossman doesn't pan out, we can make Orton the full time starter. But we need Grossman against the Panthers."
Rx Grossman: "Why does our defense suck when I do good!?!!?"

This season:
Iggins!: "The time has come! Sound the horn of Gondor!"

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Code Red: "He has been developing like a caterpillar... in a cocoon... and now he shall sprout into a magnificent butterfly!"
Iggins!: "And he shall light the Metrodome ablaze with his God-like brilliance!"
Code Red: "Do you want to go to Hell?"

It's been so long. So damn long. I have never, not once in my 18 years of existence, seen a Cubs World Series game, a Blackhawks Stanley Cup game, or a Hawkeye National Title game. But worse than all of that is never having seen a good Bears Quarterback. Please, Orton. The odds are so good that you'll be a great QB at this point that it's more unlikely that you suck than that you'll be good. BRING THE PAIN.

Friday, December 14, 2007


13 tOSU Players are gauging their draft prospects, and for some reason people are shocked. What the hell, people?! If at all possible, every player in the NCAAs should look at their draft prospects. Ohio State has been one of the best schools at helping their student-athletes get drafted soon, and it isn't out of greed. tOSU really is concerned about the possibility of a highly regarded underclassmen getting hurt his Senior year and they will help that underclassmen to get all the information on where they will be drafted as smoothly as possible. This is not bad, damnit. This is good.

The Mitchell Report has very little in it that should concern anyone in Chicago, with the exception of one player, Brian Roberts. When I heard that his name was on the list I immediately checked it out, and I find this?

According to Bigbie, however, in 2004 Roberts admitted to him that he had injected himself once or twice with steroids in 2003. Until this admission, Bigbie had never suspected Roberts of using steroids.

So we're accepting hearsay from Larry Fuckin Bigbie that says that maybe Roberts might have said he did it once? I still want Brian Roberts, Hendry. Get it done.

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Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are apparently regular 18 and 19 year olds, albeit with spectacular skill at sliding with style around a large patch of ice. Also, they both live in different people's basements. Okay, I want to be able to relate to my favorite sports athletes, but maybe not that much. (btw I don't live in someone's basement, but I do know several people who do at the tender age of 18... oh shit I'm 18. Wow I'm old enough to where rookies are my age! 100 COCKTAILS to me.)

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Forrest Griffin will coach the two teams on the next season of the Ultimate Fighter, and afterwards they'll fight for the light heavyweight title. BY GOD my two favorite fighters NAY... my two favorite athletes are squaring off in a title fight? Hestermas has come early... or late, considering the fight will be some time in June, probably. But the announcement makes me happier than R. Kelly at a 12 year old's birthday party. Simple, balanced equation:

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In other news, the Bears, who are so far out of the playoff picture that the Lions feel sorry for them, are busy convincing us that Orton will do better than he did in 2005. You don't have to convince me, Bears. I know how to fear a God.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

People I Hate: Montblanc Norland edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be sentenced to watching Pauly Shore movies while playing Superman 64 for eternity.

This week: Who else? Bobby Petrino.

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I suggest strongly that anyone and everyone reads Pat Forde's article about Bobby Petrino immediately, for it pulls zero punches and boosted my man-love for Forde at least three fold. He focused more on Petrino's personal inadequacies, I will focus more on his coaching.

Bobby Petrino, you suck. It was damn clear from almost the very beginning that you should never have gone to the NFL. I remember the first time someone asked you about Mike Vick, before the dog-fighting ordeal, and you said that you would not change your offense to utilize him. That was a dead giveaway, and it only got worse.

Next Mike Vick went to jail and you knew you had a shitty team. A good coach would have been able to keep his team together through at least one terrible season; all the players knew that with Vick gone they were going to suck. But you made every enemy you could, didn't you? You made the QB position into a never-ending revolving door, not only alienating Joey Harrington, but Byron Leftwich as well, not to mention the fans. Your decisions were so poor that you got into a confrontation with your best defensive player: DeAngelo Hall. I'm sure you thought that you could spit the same bullshit as you always have; "I love Atlanta and I'm here to stay," "My family and I want to stay here, it's where my heart is", etc. But what might be able to convince a 20 year old kid won't fool 25-35 year old men. Your players knew what you were, Bobby. A heartless, soulless, greedy bastard who would sooner abandon a sinking ship to save his-self than try to help those aboard. DeAngelo and Alge Crumpler knew this, and constantly voiced their displeasure with you.

It only got worse. You released Grady Jackson, a veteran who was practically the centerpiece for your defense. He was the core of that team, and you let him go for what? Him being the best of the worst on your team? To me, that move sealed your fate. It was apparent you didn't give a damn about the Falcons or the Louisville Cardinals. All you wanted was results and money, whoever is left battered and bruised in your wake be damned.

So now you're at Arkansas, a place that just fired a coach who did nothing but win because the fans picked apart and destroyed his personal life. I hope they do the same to you, Mr. Petrino. I hope every little dirty secret about you gets tossed around like a Thai hooker. In the end, maybe you'll learn some humility.

But I doubt it.

Monday, December 10, 2007


KYLE FUCKIN ORTON will start on Monday night against the resurgent and, quite frankly, frightening Minnesota Vikings. Remember Bears fans... It is always darkest before dawn. This is dawn, baby:

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He is MAN. He is BEAST. He is GOD. You asked for it... and now here he is. Throw your women and valuables at him, for no amount of treasure can ever equal him. Cook him all your best meals, for his hunger knows no bounds. FEAR him. Do all these things and unto ye shall be bestowed VICTORY, for that is the greatest treasure of all.

Bowl Game Predictions

The time is near for the greatest celebration of the year. A time when all people put aside their differences and embrace love and brotherhood. A time for healing, redemption, and happiness. This time, of course, is Bowl Season. Yes, the time of the first college bowl game of the year is nigh. Starting with the first game, next Thursday, here are the following predictions for this year's bowl slate.

Thursday, December 20-

Poinsettia Bowl- 9:00 EST.
Utah (8-4) vs. Navy (8-4)
This is an interesting matchup as you've got Utah, one of the most prolific users of the pass heavy spread offense in college football, vs. Navy's throwback triple option offense. This is also the first game for new Navy head coach Ken Niumatalolo, who replaces Paul Johnson, who after six years in Annapolis is moving to take over for Chan Gailey (hahaha) at Georgia Tech. Will the new coach guide the triple option to victory over the 5 wide receiver spread? Could be entertaining to watch, but I take the Utes in this one.
Utah 27, Navy 20

Friday, December 21-

New Orleans Bowl-8:00 EST

Florida Atlantic (7-5) vs. Memphis (7-5)

This is the FAU Owls first ever bowl game after starting a football program from scratch 9 years ago. Other than that, this Sun Belt Champ vs. Conference USA Runner Up game doesn't hold much worth watching.
FAU 35, Memphis 24

Saturday, December 22-

Papa John' Bowl- 1:00 EST
Southern Mississippi (7-5) vs. Cincinnati (9-3)
First off, why isn't this just the Papa John's Bowl? Can't we just assume the company has a website? Do they want us to go the website and look, rather than the restaraunt and actually buy the pizza? Oh, this game should suck.
Cincinnati 34, Southern Miss 17

New Mexico Bowl- 4:30 EST
Nevada (6-6) vs. New Mexico (8-4)
Has there always been a New Mexico Bowl? Did they just create one to put New Mexico in a bowl? Anywho, this WAC vs Mountain West smackdown features two interesting offenses, at least, and who doesn't love watching Nevada play the pistol?
Nevada 35, New Mexico 31

Las Vegas Bowl- 8:00 EST
BYU (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6)
This is a rematch of a game from September which the Bruins won 27-17. But that was before UCLA launched its final late season collapse under Karl Dorrell. BYU has gone 9-1 since that game, while UCLA has gone 4-6. UCLA will also play this game with a lame duck coaching staff, and I just don't expect this to be pretty.
BYU 42, UCLA 20

Sunday, December 23-

Hawaii Bowl- 8:00 EST
Boise State (10-2) vs. East Carolina (7-5)
Boise State goes in one year from winner of one of the most exciting bowl games in history to a participant in the Hawaii Bowl. I don't think East Carolina stands a chance against the fury of Ian Johnson in this one.
Boise State 56, East Carolina 24

Wednesday, December 26-

Motor City Bowl- 7:30 EST
Purdue (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (8-5)
These teams met on September 15, with Purdue triumphing 45-22. I have no reason to believe this game should be much different.
Purdue 48, Central Mich. 28

Thursday, December 27-

Holiday Bowl- 8:00 EST
Arizona State (10-2) vs. Texas (9-3)
This game intrigues me, as its probably the best matchup of the games to this point. Arizona State has been pretty damn impressive this season barring one blowout at the hands of USC, and Texas, while I've clearly been convinced all year that they suck, is still Texas, and I will still thoroughly enjoying watching them lose this battle of premier head coaches in Dennis Erickson and Mack Brown.
ASU 28, Texas 17

Friday, December 28-

Champs Sports Bowl- 5:00 EST
Boston College (10-3) vs. Michigan State (7-5)
Both of these teams started off really hot this year, with BC rising all the way to number 2 before falling prey to the apparent curse of that ranking. Not surprisingly this was after Iggins! endorsed Matt Ryan for Heisman. Michigan State started off 4-0 before starting their typical mid season downfall, but, proving that they are in fact no longer coached by John L. Smith, managed to rally enough to secure a bowl birth. This game should feature a decent level of offense and a great quarterback in Matt Ryan playing against a potentially great quarterback with a cannon for an arm in Brian Hoyer.
Boston College 31, Michigan State 27

Texas Bowl- 8:00 EST
TCU (7-5) vs. Houston (8-4)
This game, as its name implies, really should only be watched by people from Texas. But if you really have nothing else to do this night and are watching this game, Houston's offense is sometimes worth watching, and the TCU mascot, the Horned Frog, always looks awesome on the sideline.
Houston 38, TCU 24

Emerald Bowl- 8:30 EST
Maryland (6-6) vs. Oregon State (8-4)
Maryland is the poster boy of ACC mediocrity every year, and this year is no different as here they are in the venerable "Emerald Bowl", playing the formidable offense of the Oregon State Beavers. This game actually becomes fun if instead of watching the players you imagine the mascots fighting, and a turtle fighting a beaver just merits watching.
Oregon St. 28, Maryland 13

Saturday, December 29-

Meineke Bowl- 1:00 EST
UConn (9-3) vs. Wake Forest (8-4)
Don't watch this game. Don't do it.
Wake 17, UConn 9

Liberty Bowl- 4:30 EST
UCF (10-3) vs. Mississippi St. (7-5)
I really want to take Mississippi State in this one, as the job Sylvester Croom has done in getting his team to a bowl game in the SEC was downright impressive. However, Miss St. gives up 159 yds rushing per game on defense, and now has to face UCF's Kevin Smith and his 2,448 (Holy Fucking Shit) rushing yards. I expect Smith and the Golden Knights to triumph in this one.
UCF 30, Mississippi St. 23

Alamo Bowl- 8:00 EST
Penn State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (7-5)
This could have been a hilarious matchup of senile former coaching genius (Joe Paterno) versus pretentious wanna-be-but-never-gonna-be coaching genius (Dennis Franchione), had Franchione's reign of stupidity not finally come to an end this season. I expect Penn State to throw the ball over the Aggie defense, which comes into the game giving up 264 yards passing per contest.
PSU 27, A&M 17

Sunday, December 30-

Independence Bowl-8:00 EST
Alabama (6-6) vs. Colorado (6-6)
This game features a matchup of two .500 teams, but with very different stories. Alabama comes in dejected after a 5-2 start to the season disintegrated with four straight losses, one of which came at the hands of Lousiana-Monroe. Colorado is simply thrilled to be going to a bowl game after a miserable 2-11 season last year. I think the Buffs come out ready to play and take this one.
Colorado 23, Alabama 10

Monday, December 31-

Armed Forces Bowl- 12:30 EST
California (6-6) vs. Air Force (9-3)
California has fallen ridiculously far from its 5-0 start. With the number two ranking and a chance to seize number one, Cal lost to Oregon State, and since then has gone 1-6 to finish the regular season. Will this streak continue against Air Force? I don't think so.
Cal 24, Air Force 14

Humanitarian Bowl- 2:00 EST
Fresno St. (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (7-5)
This is another game featuring an interim coach, as Georgia Tech's defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta takes over as the interim head coach for one game only before giving the job to former Navy coach Paul Johnson. Unlike the previous games featuring lame duck coaches, I'm gonna take Tech in this one, because I expect the players to be so ecstatic in their first game free of Chan Gailey that they win this one out of sheer exuberance.
GT 17, Fresno State 7

Sun Bowl 2:00 EST
South Florida (9-3) vs. Oregon (8-4)
Two victims of the #2 curse square off in this game. South Florida probably never should have been that high, where Oregon was crippled by the loss of quarterback Dennis Dixon (Iggins! is to thank for that one). I expect the Bulls to win this one,with Matt Groethe outdueling Brady Leaf.
USF 28, Oregon 17

Music City Bowl 4:00 EST
Kentucky (7-5) vs. Florida State (7-5)
Kentucky has a chance to win two straight bowl games for the first time in its history, and I think they do so in Andre Woodson's last game. Florida State is just too inconsistent to win this one.
Kentucky 31, FSU 20

Insight Bowl 6:00 EST
Indiana (7-5) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)
Indiana has had an inspiring season this year in honor of late Coach Terry Hoeppner. OSU has had an interesting season this year, typified by Coach Mike Gundy's hilarious rant (I'm a grown man! I'm 40!). If you have a chance to watch this one, watch it, because the two offenses lead by duel-threat quarterbacks Kellen Lewis for the Hoosiers and Zac Robinson for the Cowboys both average 400 yards per game or more. Should be very entertaining.
Indiana 42, Oklahoma State 34

Peach Bowl (Chick-Fil-A Bowl) 7:30 EST
Clemson (9-3) vs. Auburn (8-4)
I still refuse to refer to this 80 year old bowl game by its bastardized commercial name. The two teams in this game, however, are both hard running teams with impressive defenses. I think Auburns defense contains Clemson backs CJ Spiller and James Davis in this one.
Auburn 20, Clemson 17

Tuesday, January 1-

Outback Bowl- 11:00 am EST
Tennessee (9-4) vs. Wisconsin (9-3)
This as an interesting matchup, as these teams are actually pretty similar to each other. Both have proven to be the best of the mediocre-to-bad teams in their conferences, both both wilt against stiff competition. Who gives way in this one? My guess is the Badgers, but God do I hate you Phil Fulmer.
Tenn. 27, Wisconsin 14

Cotton Bowl- 11:30 am EST
Missouri (11-2) vs. Arkansas (8-4)
This game should, on its surface, be an incredible matchup of talent as the powerful Mizzou offense led by quarterback Chase Daniel faces off against the run heavy leviathan that is Arkansas and Darren McFadden. Mizzou should be the favorite, but I think the disappointment of missing out on the national title game and being screwed out of the BCS will cost the Tigers, and I think McFadden runs wild in his last college game.
Arkansas 38, Mizzou 21

Capital One Bowl- 1:00 EST
Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3)
The journey that began for Michigan with the loss to Appalachian State will culminate in a loss to Heisman winner and DemiGod Tim Teabow in this bowl game. Lloyd Carr will lose his final game as a head coach and wander off into the sunset, searching for the perfect bottle of Scotch.
Florida 44, Michigan 27

Gator Bowl- 1:00 EST
Texas Tech (8-4) vs. Virginia (9-3)
My anti-ACC stance this year has resulted in me watching exactly zero games involving Virginia this year, but my strongly Pro-Air Raid stance will have me watching this one at least briefly. I expect the Red Raiders to finish their season with a win in this one.
Texas Tech 27, Virginia 24

ILLINOIS (9-3) vs. USC (10-2)
Yeah, I'm well aware this doesn't look good for my Illini. USC only gives up 79.2 yards rushing per game, which, as everyone knows, is the key to the Illinois offense. Duel threat quarterbacks Have given USC some trouble in the past, however, and Juice Williams has played very well in the Illini's last few games. Objectively, there's really no way to predict an Illini victory. On the other hand, however, Have I ever been fucking objective in anything this year? Why be a fan if I won't show any faith on this one, however misguided it may eventually look to be.
Illinois 31, USC 28

Sugar Bowl- 8:30 EST
Hawaii (12-0) vs. Georgia (10-2)
Everyone wants Hawaii to be the Cinderella this year, as Boise State was last year, and make the BCS look totally worthless by winning this one impressively and making the national championship game look even more bunk. Unfortunately its not going to happen, as I think the Bulldogs will pressure Colt Brennan into making some key mistakes, and I don't think Hawaii's defense slows down either quarterback Matt Stafford or runningback Knowshon Moreno.
Georgia 41, Hawaii 24

Wednesday, January 2-

Fiesta Bowl- 8:00 EST
West Virginia (10-2) vs. Oklahoma (11-2)
West Virginia, as we know, and as Iggins! bemoaned, had a shot at the national title, but lost to Pitt of all people. Iggins! still cradles his Pat White action figure while wearing his Steve Slaton pajamas, however, and for his sake, I'm going to predict a WVU win on this one.
West Virgina 38, Oklahoma 31

Thursday, January 3-
Orange Bowl- 8:00 EST
Kansas (11-1) vs. Virginia Tech (11-2)
Well, Kansas is BCS team #2 that is there wrongfully instead of Mizzou. (Illinois is number one of course). But Virginia Tech has survived this whole season based on their defense. Kansas is a more balanced team, and I'm taking them in a close one.
Kansas 23, Virginia Tech 17

Saturday, January 5-
International Bowl- 12:00 EST
Ball State (7-5) vs. Rutgers (7-5)
This is the last game of Ray Rice's brilliant college career. Other than that, I don't see any real reason to watch this mediocre bowl game sandwiched between the BCS bowls and the BCS championship.
Rutgers 28, Ball State 13

Sunday, January 6-
GMAC Bowl-8:00 EST
Tulsa (9-4) vs. Bowling Green (8-4)
Another sandwich bowl, but the GMAC always seems to provide some kind of high-scoring hilarity that makes it worth a passing glance.
Tulsa 39, Bowling Green 27

Monday, January 7-

BCS Championship Game- 8:00 EST
Ohio State (11-1) vs. LSU (10-2)
Despite the fact that the winner of this game will still have no legitimate claim to being champion, some kind of validity will result from the harsh maiming that Ohio State will receive at the hands of the Tigers. This might end up being even uglier than last years, and Ohio State will officially be the 21st century college version of the 1980s-1990s Buffalo Bills.
LSU 38, Ohio State 13

Sunday, December 9, 2007

If Desperation had a Team..

It would be the Bears. How do I equate their rapid decline this season? The Bears this year are like a fancy wooden ship. It was rushed to be put together by the finest designers with the newest available materials. It was sleek, fast, and impressive. A year later, it still looked just as impressive, but the materials it had been made from had hollowed out and become rotten. On the outside, it still looked like that sleek, world changing ship, but on the inside it was a fragile core. Knock a few key timbers out of the way (Mike Brown, Dusty Dvoracek), find out that one's unstable (Rex Grossman), replace it with an even shoddier piece of timber (Brian Griese) and have the ship's main mast (Brian Urlacher) begin to quake with rot (arthritic back) and before long your ship goes from this:

To this:

Now what do we do? Well, there really are no simple fixes. Here are suggestions

First off, what to do with the quarterback position. Griese and his $20 million contract are gone, as he's not even a serviceable backup at this point. A new veteran backup will probably need to be signed, though early indications are the market will be slim. The team also needs to decide what to do with Rex. My suggestion is, since he's likely to come dirt cheap at this point, they sign him to a one year deal with an option for a second and make him the tentative starter. We also need to get Kyle a few snaps or, dare we say, a few starts, these last three games to see if he has value as a trade bait or as a reliable #2 QB or even starter next year. My suggestion: Re-sign Rex, make Kyle and Rex compete in camp next year, and then draft a quarterback in the lower rounds of this year's draft to compete. This should be a deep QB draft, and a decent option should be available outside the first round.

The main problem with this offense, however, is the offensive line. Fred Miller, John Tait, and Ruben Brown need to be cut. Metcalf and Garza can still be serviceable guards and Kreutz is still solid at center. But both tackles need to be replaced, one most likely in free agency and the other in the first or second round of the draft. A retooled offensive line goes a long way towards getting this team back to responsibility. Quarterback can be patched up for one more year, our runningbacks have proven to be reliable when blocked for, and our tight ends our fantastic. Muhsin Muhammed probably needs to retire, Mark Bradley needs more playing time, and Berrian needs to be more consistent, but this wide receiver corps still shows potential.


Well, the secondary at this point would seem to be problem number one. Mike Brown is done, and we just need to accept that. The Adam Archuletta experiment has failed, and Danieal Manning has yet to actually Make a tackle in his NFL career. Our first round pick, therefore, should be for the best safety available. A free agent option, or anything thats an upgrade over the mess we have at safety, might also help, but both starters need replacing.

At linebacker, Urlacher will play till he dies and none of us can deny him that right. Hopefully we can just shut him down these last three games and give him treatment for his back. Lance Briggs needs to be re-signed immediately. Hunter Hillenmeyer has played surprisingly well, but an upgrade with better pursuit against the run would be appreciated. (J Leman).

On the defensive line the Bears have still generated a good number of sacks this year, and healthy Tommie Harris next year will only improve that. The weakness against the run needs to be addressed with a new d-tackle opposite of Harris, and Darwin Walker needs to be dropped.

So, if you're keeping score, thats two new offensive tackles, a new defensive tackle, a new linebacker, a new quarterback?, and two new safeties, and, on the unlikely chance that all of those new players work out, this team can be back to where it was.

The only problem is, thats 7 new players at the least, and thats one more draft pick than we have (gave one to Washington for Archuletta. Wooo ha.) And chances are, of our picks in the 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7th rounds, only 3-4 of those, optimistically, or 1-2 of those realistically, will be effective startes in their first year. The rest will need to be addressed in free agency, which is always a gamble in the NFL. Either way, chances are that even if those changes are made, the Bears have a long road back to success, and more likely than not the best case scenario for next year's ship is this:

Just deal with it.


Tim Tebow won the Heisman. He was obviously the most deserving candidate, so I can't see any controversy stemming from this one. Does the Heisman curse apply to underclassmen? We can't be sure about Leinart just yet, even though he was having a terrible season with the Cardinals before he was hurt. But he has been very underwhelming. However, it is at times like these that I think people should remember that only recently has the NFL decided that QBs have to be great NOW, as in immediately after they are drafted. Let's let Aaron Rodgers be a lesson to us.

Watch a hockey game. It is very difficult if not impossible to explain how enjoyable watching the NHL is without just watching a damn game. The things they do on the ice are nothing short of spectacular. And I'm saying that after the Blackhawks lost. Among the many amazing things they do, pronouncing Byfuglien like Bufflin is by far the most impressive.

Randy Moss horrifies me. Not only does his elbow have more talent in it than the last 24 Chicago Bear quarterbacks, he also apparently owns a cloak of invisibility. There is no other possible explanation for how wide open he was. Also, note to Steelers: they're throwin to WELKER. I can only imagine the stupidity preparing to flow from the mouth of Bill Simmons.

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Adrian Peterson is human?! I am Jack's surprised kidneys. Also surprising, tWWL's link to AD's page is linked to the Chicago Bear's Adrian Peterson bio. Are they really that hard to tell apart?

This fight was amazing:
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Huerta vs. Guida. Youtube it, download it, beat down Dana White's door to watch it, it doesn't matter. This fight was the best fight I've seen since Griffin vs. Bonnar, no kidding. Also, is a tattoo a prerequisite to fight in the UFC?

*Now with more guanine!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

People I Hate: Marlins edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who deserves to be caught in the middle of a fight between 2 pumas, a gorilla, and a grizzly bear.

this week it's Micheal Hill, the Florida Marlin's GM:

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Though this is not a picture of the real Michael Hill, it is a picture of A Michael Hill. It also represents what I want to do to him.

Why Michael Hill? Three reasons:

1) He made the most lop-sided trade in MLB history yesterday. Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to the Tigers for a bunch of minor leaguers who are approximately the same age?! Why do the Marlins hate every other team in the MLB?

2) He doesn't have one picture of him on the internet, which means he isn't hated nearly as much as the Cub's GM, Jim Hendry. Anyone who has an intelligent GM is my enemy! However, this trade here may immediately change that, so I might like him if number 3 weren't true.

3) The Marlins are gonna win the World Series in another 3 or 4 years. They won the series in 1997, then dumped all their talent. They won it in 2003 and now they have officially dumped all their talent from that year. Actually, if time holds up, they'll win it in 2010, which is surprisingly likely what with Dan Uggla, Hanley Ramirez, and all the other young guys who'll win the series then be shipped across the MLB.

Monday, December 3, 2007

The BCS Fucking Sucks! What, Illinois Made the Rose Bowl? VIVA LA BCS

I don't pretend to say this system isn't completely broken. At this point the BCS has all the efficiency and competence of the former East German government.

Zere is no escape!

But the simple fact of the matter is that Illinois is Rose Bowl bound. This means lots of things: They're getting better and better, this team finally gets to see if its actually a fast team if it can compete speed wise with USC, or if its just the fastest team in a slow conference, the BCS really, really fucked up, Missouri must have killed someone on the commitee's dog, as the simple fact that an 11-2 team that beat both Illinois and Kansas was beaten out of a BCS slot by both of them is utterly ludicrous. But I'm not going to rationalize this. I'm going to enjoy the Illini in Pasadena, reflect on the fact that Illinois has now been to more BCS bowl games than Iowa, and still holds the lead in Rose Bowl appearances both BCS and non, and enjoy this man's chance at everlasting Illinois glory.

Are you excited? I am. It's a broken system. We could say Illinois doesn't deserve to be there, but in a broken system, what Are the requirements for entry? Illinois has just as much of a perverse right to be there as USC or LSU. This is what happens because of this bullshit system. The NCAA wants us to accept this system for all its faults, and I'm supposed to be indignant because of this? Let me embrace this, as it just may be the straw that broke the BCS warped, MS infected, elephant man spine of a back, and if thats Illinois contribution to this system, to bring about its downfall, then that's the best contribution of all.

Post 100!... and the BCS is dead.

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This is post number 100 of this glorious site. HAIL!!!

In other, admittedly less important, news: the BCS is going down in a spiral of hellfire and death. Quoth the BCS computers:

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There are four teams who have an equal argument for being the number two team in the nation: LSU, VaTech, USC, and Oklahoma. All are 10-2, all won their divisions by either playing every other team in their division or by winning a division championship game. All of these teams are better than the undisputed number one team, Ohio State. Also better than Ohio State:

-10-2 Georgia, who should have won the SEC East.
-10-2 AZ State
-11-2 Missouri
-11-1 Kansas
-10-2 West Virginia

This is the first year I can remember in which there is a good argument, in fact an equal argument, for including any of the Big 6 conference champions: OSU, LSU, USC, VaTech, Oklahoma, and West Virginia. There was never a chance for the BCS to "get it right" because one game cannot possibly settle all of this. A plus one, the system that ESPN's Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit seem to champion merely because they don't think a playoff system will be accepted, would have also been insufficient to settle anything, considering that the winners of all four BCS bowls (and the national title game) will have an equal argument saying that they deserve to be included in the plus one game (obviously Illinois wouldn't deserve to if they beat USC, but we'll assume USC wins).

For the love of God. We live in America. Actually, that doesn't even matter. I CANNOT TELL YOU OF ONE OTHER SPORT IN THE WORLD THAT DOES NOT CROWN IT'S CHAMPION WITH A PLAYOFF. If there is honestly someone who prefers that a computer should tell us who is the best team in the nation instead of having said team prove it on the field, that person is a moron or is mentally handicapped.

Sunday, December 2, 2007


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Saturday, December 1, 2007

Byfuglien isn't a curse word?

Memo to all Chicago sports fans:

Please sit down. This information will be shocking. Hockey still exists.

Still sitting? Back in your chair yet? Good. Now for the real shocker...

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The Blackhawks are good. Like, really good. Last night Dustin Byfuglien scored 3 goals (they call that a hat trick, for those of you who forgot hockey existed) in the first fuckin period. And that was AFTER the Blackhawks were up 2-0. Do the quick math and that has the Blackhawks up 5-0 in the first. Damn. But this was no one game wonder, Chitown. Check the standings:

Western Conference
St. Louis23148129595213.989.69-3-05-5-17-2-1
San Jose24128428635418.189.94-5-28-3-25-2-3
Los Angeles241013121667618.378.76-7-04-6-13-6-1

-Yes, that's right, the Blackhawks are second, not just in their division, but in their league.

-Now for another shock: I like hockey. It's the single hardest sport in the world to play and it's very fun to watch. The only time it isn't fun to watch is (or was) when you were a Blackhawk's fan, because they were equivalent to the Quad Cities' own UHL franchise: The Quad City Mallards:

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-However, now they have a strong core of young talent, and they aren't taking four years to start to win like the Bulls. For your convenience, the Blackhawk's team leaders and stats for their best players:

RW, Patrick Kane:
#1 pick overall in last year's draft
7 goals, 20 assists: 27 points
Team Leader in Assists and Points

RW, Patrick Sharp:
3rd NHL season, acquired from Philadelphia 3 years ago
12 goals, 8 assists: 20 points
Team leader in Goals

C, Jonathan Toews:
#3 pick overall in last year's draft
10 goals, 10 assists: 20 points
Team leader in awesomeness. Seriously, watch him skate, then watch Crosby skate. I ain't sayin, just sayin.

C, Robert Lang:
14th NHL season
6 goals, 14 assists: 20 points
The wily veteran among incredibly talented youngsters

G, Nikolai "The Bhulin Wall" Khabibulin:
11th NHL season
Saved Goal pct: 90.6%, Goals against average: 2.7, record: 10-6

And there are several good defensemen, counting Dustin Byfuglien who scored the first period hat trick.

-In short, Chicago, it's hockey time again, and I couldn't be happier. This is the sport that God has sent to us so that we might find solace after the NFL season. Hail the baby Blackhawks! Hail hockey!

That's Toews (Pronounced Tayvz). He is that good.

And that's a game winner in a shootout by Kane