Orton staying ready despite not playing in two years

From the Bears Website-

LAKE FOREST, Ill. – When Rex Grossman was asked how difficult it was to remain mentally sharp during five games on the bench, he replied: “It’s hard work. It’s like studying algebra or something.”
If that’s the case with all quarterbacks, it probably feels like math class never ends for Kyle Orton. The 2005 fourth-round draft pick started 15 games as a rookie after Grossman broke his ankle in the preseason but hasn’t played a single snap in the past two seasons.
Kyle Orton was selected by the Bears with the 104th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft.“It’s been hard,” Orton said. “You just keep your nose down and keep coming to work and trying to prepare like you’re going to play. When it doesn’t happen and the next week comes around, you just do the same thing. It’s not an easy situation to be in, but it’s just what it is.”
Despite the inactivity, Orton feels that he’s a better quarterback now than the one who completed 51.6 percent of his passes for 1,869 yards with 9 TDs, 13 interceptions and a 59.7 passer rating in 2005. Backed by a strong defense and running game, he compiled a 10-5 record as a starter as a rookie, helping the Bears win the first of two straight NFC North Division titles.
“I’m two years older,” Orton said. “I’m two years better. Physically, I’m in better shape. Mentally, I’m a better player and I throw the ball better. I’ve had two years to be able to improve and hopefully I get the chance to show it some time.”
Brian Griese participated in practice Thursday on a limited basis after sitting out Wednesday’s workout with a sprained left shoulder he sustained in last weekend’s win over the Raiders.
If Griese is unable to play Sunday in Seattle—a decision will come later in the week—Orton would serve as Grossman’s backup. Regardless, the former Purdue star will be ready if needed.
“I prepare every week like I’ll see the field,” Orton said. “I haven’t been able to play yet, but if the opportunity comes, I’ll definitely be ready and play well.”

While we at this website have obviously been torn this past week between rooting for Rex and our love of Kyle, make no mistake, should Rex fail in this opportunity we will be glad to see them hand the ball to our neckbearded hero, and even should Rex play well and re-sign in the offseason, we'd very much like to see the Bears boot Griese and make Kyle the main backup. Because really, what more epic duo is there than the Sex Cannon and Captain Neckbeard?

#1- I F%#king Hate You, Cade McNown, You Weak Armed, Snot Nosed Little Sh*t Bag

We finally reach the worst Bears quarterback of my lifetime, and this should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Bears football. Cade McNown was a horrendous disaster of a quarterback, and no other period of my life as a Bears fan has been quite as painful as his two year reign of terror. The scars of the Cade McNown experience have never quite faded away, and every quarterback the Bears sign or draft is immediately scanned for the potential to be the next Cade. So now, I present to you the story of Cade McNown: "Quarterback", Douchebag, Failure.

The story of Cade's journey with the Bears begins before the 1999 NFL draft. The Bears were one of the teams looking to cash in on the 1999 Quarterback Crop, which was supposed to provide the next generation of great NFL quarterbacks. The crop was compared to the 1983 quarterback class which featured Dan Marino, John Elway, Jim Kelly, and Jim O'Brien. Heading into the 99 draft Kentucky's Tim Couch, Oregon's Akili Smith, Syracuse's Donovan McNabb, UCLA's McNown, and Central Florida's Daunte Culpepper were all touted as first round picks and sure-fire NFL stars. Smith, McNabb, Culpepper and McNown were featured on the cover of ESPN the magazine

Cade, the only white quarterback on the cover, looks ridiculously out of place in that picture with his powder blue UCLA jersey and surly toeheaded apperance. God, I hate him. I hate him so much.

On draft day, as expected, Couch went number one overall to the Browns, McNabb went at number two to the Eagles, Smith went to the Bengals at three, Culpepper went to the Vikings at
11, and McNown went to the Bears at number 12. As of the 2007 season, only McNabb and Culpepper are still in the NFL, only McNabb is with the team that drafted him, Smith is a Canadian Football League backup, and Couch and McNown are not playing at all.

Erik Kramer was supposed to be the starter until McNown was ready, but he was cut before training camp, as the Bears had every intention of letting McNown win the starting job. In the first asshole move of many, Cade held out throughout training camp, and Shane Matthews was given the starting job, though first year head coach Dick Jauron promised that McNown would play at least one series every game to accumulate experience.

The 1999 Season

Jauron stuck to the plan for the first five games of the season as a red-hot Shane Matthews propelled the team to a 3-2 start and McNown looked solid, if not spectacular, in his one series per game. Matthews pulled his hamstring, however, late in the fifth game of the season at Minnesota and the door was open for the beginning of Cade's Hell.

Cade started the sixth game of the season against Philadelphia, the first of his many losses as a starter for the Bears. Cade followed that loss with an embarassing 9 of 23 passing performance in another loss against Tampa, and with the Bears at 3-4, Jauron tried to start the gimpy Matthews in the next game against Washington, but Matthews again aggravated the hamstring injury, and Cade finished the game, which the Bears lost in blowout fashion thanks in no small part to Cade's 3 interceptions. Cade then started the next week's game against Green Bay, but was injured in the first half and replaced by Jim Miller, who rallied the Bears to their miracle win dedicated to the memory of Walter Payton, who had died earlier in the week.

Jim Miller then started the next three games for the Bears, rolling up huge passing numbers and winning two of three before being suspended for taking a banned over the counter substance. Cade then started the last three games of the season, passed for 300 yards and four touchdowns in an impressive win over Detroit, then followed that with two mediocre games against St. Louis and Tampa Bay, both losses. Cade finished his rookie season having played in 15 games, starting 6 games and going 2-4 in those starts. Cades stats for the year were as follows:

127 of 235, 1,465 yards, 6.2 ypa, 8 tds, 10 ints, 66.7 QB rating.

All in all, one would suppose those weren't bad numbers for a rookie, but in reality, of his 15 games, the 1 good one was against Detroit, the other 14 ranged from decent to absolutely horrendous.

The 2000 Season

Before the 2000 season, Cade "won" the starting job in a battle vs. Matthews and Miller, in a competition that many felt was rigged in favor of the youngster. The season began well statistically for Cade, as he rolled up 290 yards passing, 87 yards rushing, and a combined 3 touchdowns against Minnesota in the season opener. Over the next six games, however, McNown regressed to the bad form he had shown throughout most of his rookie season, refusing to set his feet, overthrowing his receivers, and showing a general lack of arm strength that had concerned Bears fans since before the draft. The Bears went 1-6 in their first seven games under Cade, as fans chanted for Jim Miller each week. Coach Jauron stubbornly stuck by his young quarterback, despite his unpopularity with fans and his own teammates. What Jauron failed to do, however, Cade's own weak shoulder did for him, as he left the team's eighth game against Philadelphia with an injury to that area after getting sacked.

Miller took over and nearly rallied the team to a win, though he fell just short. Miller would play well in his three starts, winning two of them, before being injured himself and replaced with Shane Matthews. Matthews started five of the teams last six games, going 3-2 but playing badly enough that Jauron gave McNown one final start against San Francisco, a game where Cade was an appalling 9 of 29 passing. Cade's final line for the 2000 season:

154 of 280, 55% comp., 1,646 yds, 5.8 ypa, 8 tds, 9 ints. 68.5 QB Rating

Bringing Cade's two year totals as a Bears player to

25 games, 15 starts with a robust 3-12 record. 281 of 515, 54.6% comp., 3,111 yds, 6.1 ypa, 16 tds, 19 ints, 67.7 QB Rating.

But Cade's statistics are not the sole reason why we hate him. You'll actually notice that, for the most part, they aren't that bad, especially in comparison to the other quarterbacks on this list. But while its true that Cade's numbers are mostly deceiving because of the 2 or 3 great games he had, which balanced out his 23 bad to godawful games, the main reason we hate Cade is because he is possibly the biggest dickhead in the history of the Chicago Bears. Note the following reasons:

Feuds with Teammates:

-When asked about his poor performance in one game in which he badly overthrew his receivers on multiple occasions, Cade suggested that his wide receivers maybe were just "too tired" to catch up to his passes.

-Cade openly admitted that he did not prepare very well before his miserable game against San Francisco in 2000, and was unapologetic about this fact.

-Multiple Bears players were reported to have gone to Coach Jauron before the 2000 season finale against Detroit to tell him that they would not play if Jauron started McNown over Shane Matthews.

Feuds with the Law, Press, and Fans:

-Cade was once investigated by the FBI in a possible point-shaving scandal while at UCLA.

-Cade was charged and plead no contest to illegally using a handicapped parking permit while at UCLA.

-After being booed after yet another terrible game, Cade announced to fans that if they "want to boo, they can just stay home". Not a popular move among management.

-Cade once plowed over a camera man while running out of bounds during a game, helped him up, then walked back to the sidelines and informed his teammates that he helped said reporter because "I had to make it look like I cared"

Feud with Tim Couch:

-At a party shortly after the draft in 1999, fellow rookie quarterback Tim Couch introduced Cade to his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar. Cade then stole Kozar from Couch after sending her flowers on multiple occasions and buying her a Porsche. Fear not for Tim, though. Once Kozar realized the bag of douche Cade was, she left him and returned to Tim. They are now married. Here's a picture of Mrs. Couch for good measure:

Thankfully after two years the Bears had had enough, and traded Cade to the Miami Dolphins for a seventh round draft pick. Cade spent the 2001 season on the bench as the Dolphins 3rd stringer, and then was traded to the 49ers, where he also spent the season on the bench as a 3rd stringer before being cut before the 2003 season. Since then Cade has stayed out of football, biding his time before dying and going to hell.

Cade is, unfortunately, not entirely gone, at least not in the hearts and minds of Bears fans forever haunted by his terrible attitude and quarterbacking. Many of us winced on draft day when Rex Grossman was picked and announced that he would wear the #8 jersey once worn by Cade. Even the rare sightings of Cade merchandise can send Bears fans into a panic, as Iggins! and I once discovered one day while he was cleaning out his closet, when we discovered a Cade jersey and a Bears hat signed not only by Cade, but also by 1st round Bears runningback bust Curtis Enis. Iggins! dropped the hat as both of us recoiled in fear, but we so far have been unable to destroy it for fear of the evil it would release upon the world, and also so that might it serve as a warning of what might be when first round picks go wrong.

I fucking hate you Cade.

The Bottom 10 Bears Quarterbacks of My Lifetime 5-2

#5- Henry "Crazy Legs" Burris

Henry Burris is slightly different than most other candidates on this list because, well, for unexplained reasons, I just like Henry Burris. He seemed like a talented, viable young prospect who might have potentially been an NFL success if given the time and proper coaching. No part of the last sentence was true. Henry was the best passer in the history of Temple University, a school that hasn't had a winning record since 1990 nor gone to a bowl game since 1979. Henry then went to the Canadian Football League, where his scrambling ability and strong arm made him an ideal player for that league. In 2001, Henry signed with Green Bay Packers, spent a year floating between their practice squad and third string, then was cut without ever seeing in NFL playing time. The Bears then followed their age old tradition of "he wasn't good enough for Green Bay? Well, give him a shot here then" and signed Henry before the 2002 season. After watching what was left of Jim Miller's right shoulder and Chris Chandler lead the team to a 4-11 record through the first 15 games with Henry seeing spot duty in five of those games, fans finally prevailed upon Coach Dick Jauron to start Henry against the soon to be Superbowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Memorial Stadium. In what people in the football business term "an unmitigated disaster", Henry was hammered all night long, threw four interceptions, and the Bears lost by the uncomfortably bad score of 15-0. Henry was cut shortly thereafter. He returned to Canada, where he has led the Sasketchewan Roughriders and the Calgary Stampeders to the playoffs in four consecutive years, and his games occasionally appear on Comcast Sports Net late at night in the summer, typically prompting either Iggins! or myself to see them and text the other with "Holy Fuck! Crazy Legs on CSN!"

Henry's Line: 6 games, 1 start, 18-51, 35% comp. percentage, 207 yds, 4.1 ypa, 3 tds, 5 ints, and a spectacular 28.5 quarterback rating.


-One other Henry Burris story of note, during my sophomore high school football season, my football team went on a weekend retreat, where games of Madden 2003 were played on an epic stage. In one game late that night, my head football coach, a Packers fan, and our defensive coordinator, a Bears fan, squared off in a game in which the HC's Packers knocked out both Jim Miller and Chris Chandler, forcing our DC to play the 45 overall rated Henry Burris against a 12-4 Madden Packers team. To the surprise and glee of all, Crazy Legs managed to rally the Bears from a 21-7 halftime deficit and win the game 28-21. Viva Crazy Legs!


#4- Kordell Stewart

Do not be confused, Henry Burris and Kordell Stewart are two distinctly different players despite their similar appearance and propensity to wear #10. Henry Burris was a wildly innaccurate passer who utilized his scrambling ability ineffectively and was a sad excuse for a quarterback. Kordell Stewart was all of those things as well, but was paid more and is rumored to be gay. So, see, there's a difference. Kordell was drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1995, and earned the nickname Slash during his rookie season as he was used as a quarterback, runningback, and wide receiver throughout the season and was a widely popular player in that role. During the 1996 preseason Kordell was given the chance to compete for the Steelers starting QB job, but lost the competition to Jim Miller, who he would ironically replace in Chicago. After Miller and Mike Tomczak combined to suck for Pittsburgh in 96, Kordell was named the starter for the 1997 season and threw for 21 touchdowns to lead Pittsburgh to an 11-5 record and a trip to the AFC title game. After that, however, Kordell showed the inconsistency that would eventually run him out of the league, and never again approached his numbers of 1997, although he did manage to lead Pittsburgh back to the AFC title game in 2001, and threw three interceptions in that loss. After a slow start to 2002, Kordell was benched for...guh...Tommy Maddox and was cut after the season. The Bears, apparently enamored with the idea that Kordell could be a Michael Vick type quarterback (that was considered a good thing back then) signed Kordell in April 2003 to a $4 million deal and named him the starter over crippled Chandler and rookie Grossman. Kordell then started the first 5 games of the 2003 season, going 1-4 in those games, throwing 4 tds versus 7 interceptions and playing bewilderingly bad. The Bears also used the genius mind of offensive coordinator John Shoop to devise special plays for Kordell, including my favorite, the play action quarterback draw. For those of you not familiar with the verbiage, play action is designed to fake a run and then throw a pass, thus drawing in the linebackers close to the line of scrimmage so one can then throw over them. A play action quarterback draw meant that Kordell drew the linebackers in, then ran right at them. The play usually ended thusly:


With the pictured tackle taking place about four yards in the backfield. After the 1-4 start, Kordell was benched, but managed to appear in 4 more games with two more starts after injuries to (imagine this) Chris Chandler and (also suprising, I know) Rex Grossman, and the Bears went 2-2 in those 4 games, bringing the Bears record in games played by Kordell to 3-6.

Kordell's Line: 9 games, 7 starts, 126 of 251, 50.2 % comp., 1,418 yds, 7 tds, 12 ints, 56. 8 QB rating.

#3- Jonathan Quinn

Take a long look at that photograph. For you are gazing upon the visage of the least talented quarterback in Chicago Bears history. No one in their right mind can explain why Jonathan Quinn has ever set foot upon an NFL field. The man is the anti-Rex Grossman, and not in the safe, good way that so many want. This man could not throw the ball downfield if his life depended on it. Any pass that was not a wide receiver screen, half back screen, or dumpoff pass was beyond the capabilities of young Quinn. Quinn was also the most indecisive quarterback known to mankind, staring down his receiver until the last second, then either getting sacked or throwing the ball into the stands. Unintentionally. Quinn's statue like pocket presence was in fact the origin of Iggins! father's famous declaration that "the Bears favorite play must be the Dropback-and-get-sacked."

Quinn came to the Bears before the 2004 season following the hiring of Lovie Smith as head coach. Lovie named Kansas City Chiefs quarterbacks coach Terry Shea as the offensive coordinator, and Shea brought with him a ridiculously long and complicated playbook and also recommended that the Bears sign Quinn as their backup. Not surprisingly, Shea was fired after the 2004 season for being a fucking moron. After Rex Grossman started the first three games of 2004 and performed well in the vertical pass based offense before getting injured against Minnesota, Quinn finished the game against the Vikings missing badly on all three of his pass attempts on the final drive. Quinn then started the next three games against Philadelphia, Washington, and Tampa Bay, going 0-3 and forever burning in the minds of Bears fans just how horrible quarterback play really can be. Quinn was then benched for Craig Krenzel, proving the time tested theory that if Craig Krenzel is a better option than you, you should just quit. When Krenzel got hurt in a Thanksgiving game against Dallas, Quinn came in to play the second half and went 10 of 21 for 86 yards, no touchdowns and 2 interceptions in two quarters of play that no Bears fan probably watched. Quinn was cut after the 2004 season, and I cried hot tears of joy.

Quinn's Line: 5 games, 3 starts, 51 of 98, 52% comp., 413 yds, 4.2 ypa, 1 td, 3 ints, 53.5 QB rating.

#2- Rick Mirer

Not surprisingly the only picture of Rick Mirer as a Bear features him runnng for his life while Andy Heck gets killed. Awesome.

Rick Mirer holds the unique distinction of being one of the only players in NFL history to have been a first round bust for two different franchises. Rick was drafted number 2 overall by the Seahawks in the 1993 NFL draft after a stellar career at Notre Dame. He was touted as the next Joe Montana, but as we know, that label is usually a curse (see Stenstrom, Steve). Mirer then started all 16 games as a rookie for the Seahawks in 1993, and the majority of their games through the 1996 season, and was a disaster, throwing for 41 touchdowns vs a whopping 56 interceptions. Not to be deterred by four years of evidence to the contrary, then Bears head coach and douchebag Dave Wannstedt decided to trade his first round draft pick in 1997 to the Seahawks for the troubled Mirer. Thus making Mirer a bust worthy of two first round picks. The Bears then signed Mirer to a 3 year, $11.4 million dollar deal that still ranks as one of the worst in franchise history. Before the 97 season the Bears named Mirer the starter the day he was acquired, but were forced to backtrack as former starter Erik Kramer was healthy and clearly outplayed Mirer in every way in training camp and the preaseason. Wannstedt declared Kramer the starter, but remarked that Mirer would start when he was ready.

"Ready" for Mirer apparently meant "as soon as we're 0-3 and there's no reason why not", and after going winless the first three weeks, Mirer started the next three games of the season against New England, Dallas, and New Orleans. Mirer went 0-3 in those games as the Bears were outscored 78-23 and Mirer played absolutely atrociously, looking scared at all times, heaving duck passes left and right and scrambling erratically at the first sign of trouble. Mirer was cut after the Bears finished 1997 4-12, and the painful nightmare was over for Bears fans.

Rick's Line: 7 games, 3 starts, 53 of 103, 51% comp., 420 yds, 4.1 ypa. 0 tds, 6 ints, and his miraculous 37.8 QB rating

Damnit

Goddamnit. The Iowa football team sucks enough without another goddamned arrest. But here we are, with three anonymous University of Iowa football players under suspicion of sexual assault. I thought, somewhat naively, that Pierre Pierce would end the crime-ridden chapter at the U of Iowa. But clearly not, as 15 arrests have been made during the season, and more might come from this incident. If a Fulmer Cup existed for the season, Iowa would be pwning it right now. My shame is unparalelled. But this picture is funny. Go to edsbs to check out their take on it, and this swank picture:



By the way, yes I am an Iowa student, and yes there were cops outside Hillcrest. I can't be sure that the entire campus feels the level of shame I do, but it seems like they all expected this. That makes me sick.

The Bottom 10 Bears Quarterbacks Of My Lifetime

In honor of Rex returning to the starting job, giving him one final chance, and giving us one final hope that he may become the Bears first legitimate quarterback in decades, or, failing Rex, our website's namesake, I have decided to list the 10 main reasons Why we have hung onto Rex so desperately despite his best efforts to make us hate him. Because really, if you ever need a reminder of how good we had it during Rex's good games last year, and hell, even Griese's starts this year, I give you ten reminders of how dark it can get.

#10- Chad Hutchinson

Chad was signed by the Dallas Cowboys in 2002 as the first of two Jerry Jones attempts to sign failed baseball players that were mediocre college quarterbacks and make them into NFL stars. That doesn't make sense you say? Well, welcome to the mind of Jerry Jones. Chad started 9 games after taking over for Quincy Carter as Cowboys starter in 2002 and went a robust 2-7. When Bill Parcells took over in Dallas, he tolerated Chad's surfer boy demeanor and deer in the headlights style of quarterbacking for all of one season as a backup and then cut him. After Rex tore his ACL in the third game of the 2004 season, Chad signed with the Bears and spent the next seven games trying to grasp the vast and ineffective playbook of Terry Shea. After a surprisingly amazing game against the Vikings in his first start where he threw for over 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, Chad then went 0-5 the remainder of the season against powerhouses such as the Houston Texans and Detroit Lions, barely averaging 5 yards per attempt, and making Bears history (by that I mean what I can remember) by scoring a miraculous 5 points against the Texans in a 24-5 loss. After Devestating Rex Injury #2 in the 2005 preseason, Chad was handed the starting job and managed to lose it after two preaseason starts, culminating in a 1 for 13 game against Buffalo, leaving Lovie to make the obvious (and therefore surprising) move of naming rookie Kyle Orton the starter and cutting Chad.

Chad's Line: 6 games played, 6 starts, 92 of 161 passing for a 57% comp. rate, 903 yards, 4 tds, 3 ints,a 73.5 rating and a meager 5.6 yards per attempt.

#9 Steve Stenstrom

Coach, I finally found that end zone dealy you were talkin about. Now what do I do with the ball?
Steve marks the second Stanford quarterback to make this list (also is only the 2nd quarterback. Stanford sucks). Bill Walsh coached Steve at Stanford during his second college coaching stint and made the remark that he considered him the second coming of Joe Montana. In reality, he was the second coming of Steve Fuller. Steve spent four years with the Bears from 95-98, but was only given the opportunity to start in his final year. He started seven games and went an impressive 1-6. After finally giving him the opportunity to suck all four quarters, the Bears were disappointed in their Mini Montana and released him. San Fransisco then picked up Stenstrom, believing that playing for the same team as Montana would unleash his inner wonderboy. They were wrong.

Steve's Line: 13 games, 7 starts, 123 of 214, 57 % comp., 1,359 yds, 6.4 ypa, 4 tds, 8 ints, 67.1 QB rating.

#8-Chris Chandler

Chris "Chandelier" holds the distinction of being Brian Griese before Brian Griese. Before the 2002 season the Bears beat out several teams for the insurance policy of having Chris Chandler at quarterback, as he had just been run out of Atlanta after being replaced by the young Michael Vick. Boy, what a deal the Bears got in this one. Chandler managed to be even more fragile than the porcelain Jim Miller, and the repeated injuries to both enabled such illustrious quarterbacks as Henry Burris and Kordell Stewart (don't worry, they're coming) to start games for the Bears. But Chris isn't here just for letting crappier quarterbacks onto the field, he did a fine job of sucking on his own when he was "healthy" enough to play. In his two seasons with the Bears Chris started 15 games, and went a healthy 5-10 in those starts. He also had the most hilarious male pattern baldness known to man, and was the fastest person I've ever seen at switching from helmet to sideline caps the numerous times he was benched.

Chris's line: 17 games, 15 starts, 210 of 353, 59% comp., 2,073 yds, 5.9 ypa. 7 tds, 12 ints, 68.6 rating.

#7- Peter Tom Willis

I'm Peter Tom Willis, and I Sucked So Bad in the NFL no one took my picture.

Peter Tom Willis, or PT, was a very efficient and popular quarterback at Florida State in the late 1980s, and still holds the Florida State record for passing efficiency at 148.1. However, all Florida State quarterbacks are no talent hacks who are lucky to make mediocre backups in the NFL. Peter was unlucky in that he wasn't mediocre. He sucked. The Bears drafted PT in the 3rd round in 1990 hoping to use him as a solid backup to Jim Harbaugh after the departure of Mike Tomczak. For two years, PT was just that, as Mike Ditka refused to start him in 1990 or 1991 no matter how many times Bears fans became fed up with the sometimes poor play of Jim Harbaugh. In 1992, with the Bears sinking in an eventual 5-11 season, Ditka finally benched Harbaugh after 12 games and started PT in weeks 14, 15, 16. PT went 1-2 in those starts before being benched for rookie Will Furrer in the season finale. The Bears kept PT around for the 1993 season, and the dazzling combo of head coach Dave Wannstedt and the terrible play of Harbaugh in his final season in Chicago gave PT one final chance to start for Chicago. He failed.

PT's Line: 21 games, 4 starts, 104 of 183, 57% comp., 1,261 yds, 6.9 ypa, 6 tds, 15 ints, 54.9 QB Rating.

#6-Craig Krenzel

Craig Krenzel was the starting quarterback for Ohio State during their 2002 national title run. He is what most people would call the prototypical caretaker quarterback. His right arm was designed to hand off and throw screen passes. In the Bears quarterback evaluation process, that makes him NFL-worthy, and the Bears drafted Craig in the 5th round of the 2004 draft to serve as the third stringer behind Rex Grossman and Jonathan Quinn. After Grossman was injured and Quinn..we'll get to that later, Craig was given the chance to start in week 7 of the 2004 season. Despite being absolutely atrocious as starting quarterback, Craig managed to win his first three NFL games because of stellar play by the defense and special teams, and the fact that his first three opponents went a combined 15-33 that season. Craig and the Bears then lost his next two starts, the last one against Dallas resulting in an injury to Craig's hand or foot or something that landed him on the IR for the rest of the season. I'll give Craig's regular stat line in a minute, but I want you to consider something, in 6 games as starter Craig threw six interceptions and had four fumbles. thats 10 turnovers in 6 games, while throwing only 3 touchdowns. So if you thought Rex and Brian were turnover prone, imagine the turnovers without any production to counterbalance it. There's Craig.

Craig's Line: 6 games, 5 starts, 59 of 127, 46% comp., 718 yds, 5.7 ypa, 3 tds, 6 ints, 52.5 QB Rating.

Bottom 5 to come later in the day or tomorrow.

Oh it is ON BITCH

Perhaps this began as a mere point-counterpoint between a camp defending Tim Tebow and a camp defending Dennis Dixon, but now it is ON.

Let's dissect the defintion from the Heisman site:

"At the insistence of the DAC officers he organized and set into motion the structure and voting system to determine the best collegiate football player in the country"

At no point in said description does it ever use the word individual. Inherent in the emboldened phrase above is the idea that the best player must also be the best teammate. He must be upheld to the highest standards of athleticism, teamwork, professionalism, and winning. Tim Tebow may be the most talented Div. 1 football player in the country (disputable, but for the sake of argument I will allow it) but he is not the best team player in the country. He has proven unable to lift his team above top-tier competition by himself on three seperate occasions.

In the same time frame, God-being Dennis Dixon has lost a mere single time, and he lost because the referees flipped a coin and decided to turn a touchdown into a touchback. Tim Tebow, on the other hand, was involved in only 1 game in which he had no control over the final outcome, against LSU. Let's explore the other two games:



Auburn (20) @ Florida (17)
Tim Tebow's line:
20/27, 201 yds passing, 1 TD, 1 INT
19 rushes, 75 yards, 1 TD
-Tim Tebow posts a clearly subpar line, especially for his standards, at home in the most intimidating stadium in college football, and his team pays the price. This loss falls squarely on Tebow and the offense's shoulders: having to score more than 20 points at home should not have been difficult for a guy who normally posts 300 yard, 4 TD games.



Georgia (42) vs. Florida (30)
Tim Tebow's line:
14/22, 236 yds passing, 1 TD, no INTs
13 rushes, -15 yards, 2 TDs
-Once again, very conservative numbers for the baby rhinocerous. The -15 yards rushing and 2 TDs may be good if you're a fantasy owner, but not if you're a teammate, or a U of FLA fan.

As I said, the LSU loss is entirely excused because 1) LSU is the number one team in the nation and 2) The Florida defense allowed LSU to convert 3 4th downs on the final drive. In Dennis Dixon's one loss he went 31/44 for 301 yards with 1 TD and 2 INTs, unless you count the final touchdown that should have counted. In the LSU game, Tebow went 12/26 for 158, 2 TDs, and 1 INT, and ran for 67 yards on 16 carries.

If we take out games that their respective teams should have won, Tebow didn't play well in 2 of his team's biggest games, and Dixon has yet to play poorly in a loss. If we count every game regardless of how the game was won, Tim Tebow has lost all three of his team's games while Dennis Dixon has lost only one of his team's.

The Heisman trophy goes to the best player in every aspect of that word. The player must be a talented athlete, must be a fearless leader, must be the most valuable player on his team, and most importantly must win games for his team. Dennis Dixon has proven time and again that he is the best player in the country.



You don't have to believe me. But you certainly should not believe a man who would suggest that Riddick, aka Vin Diesel is on his side. He is most definitely not. Red is a constant slanderer of everything Vin Diesel, which not only makes him a woman, it makes him UnAmerican. Lying about Vin Diesel's affiliation is bad, but it doesn't end there.


Riddick is pissed

Jessica Alba hails from California, affiliating her with the Pac-10 conference. Clearly she supports Dennis Dixon. Ronald Reagan was the 33rd governor of California, thus affiliating him with the Pac-10 as well. Bruce Willis is from Germany, and he doesn't give two shits or a fuck about the Heisman. Jesus loves America, and because of that, he must love Dennis Dixon. Allow me to revise the list of people who want Tebow for Heisman:

-Satan
-Ricky Williams
-Jeb Bush
-millions of illegal immigrants

And Dennis Dixon's list?:


-although Stacy Kiebler was originally born in Baltimore and was a Ravens cheerleader, she lives in Los Angeles, affiliating her with the Pac-10 and America's candidate, Dennis Dixon.


-Tarantino was born in Knoxville, Tennessee. While California has no problem supporting a Pac 10 candidate from Oregon, Tennessee has a very large problem with supporting an SEC candidate from Florida. If I have to tell you why, you clearly need to watch more college football.



Vote for Dennis Dixon, America.

Oh, Really?

From Football at about.com- "The Heisman Trophy is presented annually to to the nation's outstanding college football player"

From the Heisman website- "At the insistence of the DAC officers he organized and set into motion the structure and voting system to determine the best collegiate football player in the country"

From Wikipedia- "The Heisman Memorial Trophy Award (often known simply as the Heisman Trophy or The Heisman), named after former college football player and coach John Heisman, is awarded annually to the most outstanding collegiate football player in the U.S. Although not the only award honoring the best player in college football, it is considered the most prestigious individual player honor in American college football."

I see no mention of the Team, only the individual. And first off, wanting the best INDIVIDUAL player to win isn't communism, despite what certain morons who write at this blog will tell you. As a matter of fact ,its anathema to communism.

"The noble soul par excellence. The man as man should be. The self-sufficient, self-confident, the end of ends, the reason unto himself, the joy of living personified. Above all-the man who lives for himself, as living for oneself should be understood. And who triumphs completely. A man who IS what he should be."- Was I describing Tim Tebow? Close, thats Ayn Rand's description of Howard Roark, the protagonist of the The Foutainhead, her interpretation of the perfect man. But really, when applied to the world of football, is that NOT Tim Tebow? Dennis Dixon is a sham perpetuated by playing in a conference of weak defenses. Its true Oregon has beaten the best teams in their conference, all of whom rank below LSU and Georgia. And the last time I checked, nobody thats supposedly one of the best teams in the SEC has lost to Stanford. The simple fact of the matter is, Tim Tebow is a living football God. He is power incarnate. He is the Alpha and the Omega. Check out these Tim Tebow supporters for Heisman







Do the right thing, folks. Tebow for Heisman

Iggins!: Coaches are funny edition

Wow.In the last 10 days I've seen more coaches flip out or say hilarious shit than in any previous ten day span. Before that, however, a few random tidbits from this last week:

-Tim Tebow may be leading Dennis Dixon in every possible category this season, but he is behind Dixon in the most important category: wins. Tebow has lost three times this year to Dixon's one, not to mention that Dixon beat the best teams in his division (and they should have beaten Cal. That call was shit.) while Florida lost to the best teams in theirs, putting aside a win over Kentucky (who will always be Kentucky). The Heisman does not go to a player who loses 3 games. It is a trophy that goes to the player who has helped their team to WIN the most while also putting up gaudy statistics. The Maxwell award goes to the best INDIVIDUAL regardless of wins. If Florida wins the SEC, then there is an argument. Until that time, it is Dennis Dixon's trophy to lose.


A vote for Dennis Dixon is a vote for teamwork and
democracy. Don't be a communist.

-Stephon Marbury finally did physically what he's been doing mentally his whole tenure in New York: he abandoned his team. After Isiah Thomas benched him Starbury just up and left the team, returning to his home in New York instead of going on the Knick's current West Coast road trip. Reports suggest that he is o a plane as I type this, flying to L.A., but honestly, I don't think the Knicks want him back. I'm pretty sure they hope that plane he's on crashes.

- There has been a recent rash of coaches going crazy or otherwise saying things that might be considered... in poor taste? Let's explore:



-Joe Glenn, coach of The University of Wyoming Cowboys, shows his displeasure with Kyle Whittingham, U. of Utah's coach, over a call to kick an onside kick while up 43-0 in the 3rd quarter. Glenn had, earlier in the week, guaranteed a win over Utah. That didn't turn out so well for him. Personally, I think this was justified in both regards: Whittingham deserved to rub in a 50-0 victory over Glenns team as much as he wanted because Glenn guaranteed a win, and Glenn is okay to flip the bird because it was still a dick move. Imagine if this had happened at the OSU vs. Michigan game! Oh, lord, how fun that would have been.

-Phil Jackson, L.A. Lakers coach, enjoys explaining things the way college kids explain things to their friends. Generally, if you get beaten badly, you were "Sodomized," or, as Mr. Jackson put it: "We call that a brokeback game, there was a lot of penetration and kickbacks." I would write something witty about that but it really speaks for itself.

-Pat Riley, Miami Heat coach, apparently has lost the ability to have... ahem... relations. This is the way ESPN.com has reprinted his quote:

"I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

but what was actually said was:

"I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip, I'm 62 years old, I can't fuck, and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

seriously. go listen to the interview.

-Mike Leach, beloved head coach of Texas Tech, blames the referees for everything wrong in his life:

"I think it's disturbing that Austin residents are involved in this. People work too hard, too long, there's too much money invested in these games to allow that," Leach said.

"Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I'm condemning the crew," Leach said.

"Unless this can change, the Big 12 Conference needs to take a serious look at having out of conference officials officiate the Texas Tech-Texas games and perhaps other games where there is proven to be a bias by officiating," he said. "It's unfortunate and does the bowl picture enter into it? I don't know. Does the money enter into it? I don't know."

Leach went on to blame the referees for his hair thinning, global warming, and the spread of the AIDS virus.

-Couple those with all the other coaching hilarity from this year:
-Mike Gundy: "I'm a man! I'm forty!"
-Isiah Thomas sexually harasses every woman he sees.
-Norv Turner in general

and you've got yourself a hilarious year for coaching. Still, nothing can beat this:

Top 25 Roundup and Code Red Rankings

It was a blessed, beautiful week of college football, so without further ado, here's the roundup/rankings..

LSU 58, Louisiana Tech 10
LSU whomps on their degenerate cousin from Bizarro world (1-AA), regains their rightful number one spot in the rankings. Other than that, this game is basically just what you'd expect from an opponent like Louisiana Tech.

Oklahoma 52, Baylor 21
Look, I realize there's still a decent chance they wind up in the national title game. Yes, they're record is impressive. I'm still not buying it. I've just run out of logical reasons why not.

Kansas 43, Oklahoma St. 21
On the other hand, Kansas is slowly beginning to make a believer out of me and I don't know why..

OH GOD! THE HORROR! PLEASE JUST TAKE THE BIG 12! NO ONE WILL SAY ANYTHING!

West Virginia 38, Louisville 31
West Virginia continues to claw their way back to the top, and hopefully a BCS slot. Really, if you don't want Pat White and Steve Slaton on national tv, you hate America.

Missouri 41, Texas A&M 26
Missouri also wins, setting up an epic battle next week for the Big 12 North Title, a slot in the Big 12 title game, and a chance at the BCS. I want to root for Missouri in this game, but I feel compelled to root for Kansas because...

OH GOD! HE'S TOUCHING HIM! RUN REF! RUN!!!!!!!!

Maryland 42, Boston College 35
Well, Matt Ryan had the Heisman for like, 3 days there, didn't he? God I hate the ACC.

Arizona State 24, UCLA 20

Karl Dorrell heads closer toward firing. Our national nightmare is soon to end.

Georgia 45, Auburn 20
Georgia continues to give the appearance of being for real, and the possibility of certain people's suggestion for SEC Champion (Florida, Iggins!), seems dimmer and dimmer. Whereas my prediction of LSU still goin strong.

Virginia Tech 40, Florida State 21
ACC.

USC 24, Cal 17
Who'd have thunk before the season that this game would have meant nothing in relation to the PAC 10 championship or the National Championship. Not I, but I'm sure pleased as hell about it.

Wisconsin 37, Michigan 21
Now that Ohio State has been removed from national title convention, all that is needed is for the Buckeyes to win The Big Game next weekend in Ann Arbor, thus enacting the best possible, but still sucks, scenario of a national title game sans Ohio State, but no Michigan Big 10 title either.

Hawaii 37, Fresno State 30
The Colt Brennans advance one step closer to an at large BCS bid, but don't expact the Boise State heroics of last year should they make it, this team has only one viable weapon, their quarterback, and he has a tendency to melt down when on the national tv stage.

Texas 59, Texas Tech 43
I didn't see this game, but Mike Leach was fined 12,000 dollars for saying the game was rigged in favor of Texas. I trust Mike Leach, our dashing pirate captain, and hate Texas, so I agree with him. Fuck Texas. Yar!

Cincinnati 27, UConn 3
Wow, this game should not have featured a ranked team. Let alone the fact that the team that as ranked lost by 24. Cincinnati and UConn? Fuck.

Florida 51, South Carolina 31
Look, we've endorsed a few candidates lukewarmly for Heisman on this website (Colt Brennan, Andre Woodson, Rashard Mendenhall (oh, I've never said that out loud? Well I am now)), but really, there's only one person in this country who deserves the Heisman, regardless of the fact that he's a sophomore. No disrespect intended toward Dennis Dixon, but Tebow has 23 passing touchdowns and 19 rushing. Thats 41 fucking touchdowns. Against SEC defenses. He's completing 68 percent of his passes and is Florida's leading passer, rusher, and scorer. He's by far the most impressive physical specimen I've seen at quarterback that I can remember. Chuck Norris watched the Tebow last week and was heard to say "Wow, that is a MAN". Just give him the fucking trophy.

Boise State 52, Utah St. 0
Well, thats impressive.

Clemson 44, Wake Forest 10
ACC.

Mississippi St 17, Alabama 12
Nick Saban doesn't have time for this shit. He also doesn't really have that good of a football team. Way to go Mississippi State for becoming bowl eligible. Tip of the cap, sir.

Tennessee 34, Arkansas 13
Phil Fulmer vs. Houston Nutt- Two coaches universally reviled by their own fan base and college football fandom in general. Two halfwits collide, only one survives. And NO ONE CARES.

Virginia 48, Miami 0
ACC.

Kentucky 27, Vanderbilt 20
I picked Kentucky for 10 wins this year, and if they beat Georgia and Tennessee, then win a potential bowl game, they can do just that. Please do just that.

ILLINOIS 28, Ohio State 21
I've touched on this already, but in case you're wondering, no, the euphoria hasn't subsided. Yes, I will bask in this win for years. Unfortunately current bowl projections have Illinois matched up against Florida, so this wonderful season will eventually end with the permanently scarring vision of TEBOW running mercilessly through our defense, leaving [Redacted] in tears and all Illinois fans wondering whether it was worth it. In my opinion, it so, so will be.

The Top 25
1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Kansas
4. Oklahoma
5. West Virginia
6. Missouri
7. Georgia
8. Arizona State
9. Ohio State
10. Virginia Tech
11. Florida
12. Hawaii
13. USC
14. Texas
15. Illinois
16. Clemson
17. Virginia
18. Boise State
19. Boston College
20. Kentucky
21. Tennessee
22. Wisconsin
23. Eugh. There's no one else. Just don't even look.

Why, Hello There

How are you today? Please, come in, come in. I know I'm not supposed to say my name, but I'll let you whisper it. I know it feels good. Let it out. Feel the Rush. Come on. Almost there. Say it with me

"ZOOK"

Yeah, thats right, the Zooker knows your heart, baby. He knows your innermost desires. He knows you see improvement. He knows its getting better and better.

Yeah, you saw that game on Saturday. Could you feel the Energy? You bet your sweet ass you could. Thats Zooktastic, baby. Thats how you play the game. It took only a transfer of a tiny bit of the Zook dynamism from my supercharged turbo body of recruiting fury to power the arm of Juice Williams to 4 tds. Yeah, you like Juice Williams now, don't you? I bet I know who'd really like ol' Juice. Texas. Yeah, Mack Brown, I remember you wanted Juice. He was gonna be your VY #2. But he chose the Zookster. He chose the improvement. He wanted to be better. And better.

Well he was. And we beat number one in the nation, baby. That means we're number one now. The Zooker doesn't play the polls, bro. He plays football assassin style. You kill the emperor to Be the emperor, and I am now the emperor. Bow before the Zook. It'll feel good.

Iggins!' Mind During Grossman to Berrian: The Return

What follows is an actual account of what was traveling through my mind and happening in real life during Rex Grossman's 59 yard pass to Bernard Berrian:

1 second into play:
Good he got the damned ball from center. Thats the first step, buddy. Now all you have to do is wind up and bring back the sex cannon, baby.

2 seconds into play:
Dropping back and he has good blocking... that's surprising. Why isn't Devin Hester getting a TD on all the returns he's had? Why isn't Devin Hester having my children?

Grossman winds up:
Oh shit ohshitohshit Rexy's windin up the cannon and he's goin deep baby. Christ I hope it isn't Moose down there. Why do we throw fly routes to him? He's so fuckin old and slow. I hope it's Berrian. And I hope he isn't double covered... or triple covered. Damn Rex just complete this bitch!!!!! We're losing to the Raiders for the love of God!

Grossman throws:
AHHHHH It's in the air itsintheair holy shit he just threw a massive fuckin pass that shit could travel for miles... oh fuck I hope there's a Bear down there and not a cheerleader or a Raider or Cher or Big Daddy Drew. That'd suck. I wonder how Drew is doin? Purple Jesus got hurt today I bet he's pissed...

Berrian is under the ball, Iggins! Sr. yells "Catch it!", I start yelling "Ahhhhhhhh!...":
OHMYFUCKINGGOD YOU BETTER CATCH THIS YOUPIECEOFSHITBERRIAN you better notdrop thisone you mutherfucker catchitcatchitcatchitcatchit!!!!!!

Berrian catches, runs into end zone:

Iggins! Sr. leaps from chair, Iggins! screams something... can't remember what... while leaping from chair, then yells "He's bringin Rexy back! The Cannon is back!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
OMGWTFBBQ
+
all four videos below simultaneously:

Iggins! Weekend Wrap-Up

Another good weekend for me. Why? Simple Equation:

+

+

=



Really.

Yeah, I stole this from KSK. Yeah, its a year old and probably premature. Yeah, Fuck You.

REXY BACK!?

Those of you who watched the Bears game today (i.e. those people who we give a shit about), saw the departure of our mortal enemy, Brian Griese, due to his weak, screen pass chuckin shoulder finally giving way, and the entry into the game of one Rex Grossman. Now we are no stranger to Rex, of course, having loved him, hated him, and overall having suffered with him since his college day. Rex's return culminated in a 59 yard bomb to Bernard Berrian, the epitome of all that made Rex the Sex Cannon during the glory days of his early career, when hope was high that he would become all that we have lacked in a Chicago Quarterback. Well, Rex, for this week, we say thank you, and really, despite the name of this website, we'd be most pleased if you decided to spend the rest of the season finally cashing in on that potential of yours, re-signing with da Bears and giving us a counterpoint to Green Bay fans whenever Brett Farvuruh retires. But our patience was tested the last time this happened Rex, our support now will be justifiably week-to-week, unlike the blind obedience I had to you from 2000 to the Dallas game this year. Will you finally put it together, Rex? Will you be the quarterback we always hoped you'd be? Will you embrace your destiny? Will you give some idiot Bears fan who actually wastes his time making montages about his favorite players reason to mash up footage of you with that Enrique Iglesias song?

He can be your hero baby. He can kiss away the pain.

Oh, and unrelated to, and far more serious than, our little jokes about football, happy Veterans Day to those of you the holiday is for. God Bless you all.

NEWSFLASH! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

*It has been brought to my attention that my high school classmate and U of I student Nick Heiar, is actually in this picture, if you look above the head of the Cubs hat wearing fat kid on the left, the one who looks like he is going to consume the camera, you will see a man in an orange ball cap looking to the left. That is our boy.

Oh LORD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! There are no words for what you have given me this evening! I feel as though someone has dissolved cocaine in Jack Daniels, then added John Wayne's ashes to the mix and injected it straight into my veins. I asked for a miracle, and it was granted. What surprises you more? [Redacted] going for it on fourth down after an OSU timeout and actually making Jim fucking Tressel look like a moron? What about Todd Boeckman heaving the ball up three times for interceptions while Juice Williams transformed himself into the epitome of calm. Four tds, no turnovers, 1 PENALTY! Somehow, this team played its way into a miracle, that they shall cherish forever. I remember four years ago an Illinois team limped its way to 1-10, just two years after a 10-2 Big Ten Title team. I knew a decline so steep and so fast would take years to recover. Four years later a 7-3 team marched into the fucking horseshoe and denied a national title to Ohio State. If Juice or Rashard Mendenhall asked me to bend the laws of nature and my own right wing ideology and have their love children, I would. In droves. This tastes sweeter than any victory I have ever watched in my life(easy to do, as I root for Zero teams that have won championships in my lifetime). Iggins! may have his Floyd of Rosedale, and I shall honor his bragging this week. Were Hilary Clinton to approach me this day I would say "Madame, this day our quarrel rests. I bear malice toward none, on this day." For the Lord looked down upon Columbus, Ohio, saw the Fighting Illini, and said "It is Good".

Now I'm off to get shitfaced.

Damn that's good cliche

Todd Lickliter started off his Iowa basketball coaching career with a win, and the first in a long, long, long string of cliches:

"Nine assists and zero turnovers -- that's super," Lickliter said. "He did that by having an understanding of the game and playing within himself."

holy shit for several reasons:
1) The season started?!?! Shit! I need to get ma tickets!
2) Wow this guy is white.
3) Super? He didn't really say that. Please tell me he didn't say that.
4) I cannot emphasize just how cliche this comment is. Soak it in. Bask in it.
5) Our starting PG is a freshman. And not a 5 star freshman, a 3 star freshman. Lord God this winter is going to be cold.
6) Iowa scored 58 points against Idaho State. Thats some Big Ten basketball right there. In other conferences they call it "Sucking".

I won't pray. Just gimme the fuckin pig.

Look, I realize that anyone outside of Iowa/Minnesota doesn't understand this thing. In fact, you probably don't even know what it is. Well, let me tell you. This is Floyd of Fucking Rosedale. Actually, I added the fucking for emphasis but really, it should be there permanently. He started out as a real pig. Just a simple bet between Governors of states thatb hated eachother. You people have your buckets of nails, your jeweled shilelaighs (or however the fuck you spell she-lay-lee). We have this pig. This pig is the most treasured thing in all of Iowa. And right now it's in Minnesota. Fuck Minnesota. The best thing they ever did was this:



and while Atmosphere is the best thing rapping right now, it still doesn't make up for a whole state. Their football team is 1-8. They've lost to North Dakota State two years in a row. And they have our pig. I have booed my own student section when we charged the field after beating Illinois. I have booed them harder after doing the same against Michigan State (I don't care if it was 12 fuckin overtimes), but I will not when we do after this game. I will be the first damn person on the field. America won't understand.

"Why?" they'll say, " why are those Iowans charging the field after beating a 1-8 team?"

And America will think us foolish. America will think us insane. But we know. And when I run onto that field I'll run straight at Floyd, and I'll touch that hog's back, and I'll say just two words:

"You're home."

Calling In A Favor

Our Father
Who art in Heaven
I know I am not Catholic
But really, grant me, your holy follower
Without the weird like wine and Latin Chanting
the following favor

Oh Lord!
See it in thine divine glory to grant the University of Illinois
Ye of the Fighting Illini
The glory of victory on the field of football
Against the Ohio State Buckeyes

I am not so heritical,
Oh Merciful One
To assume that the all knowing creator owes me anything personally
But really, you were cruel about that whole Iowa game

Yea, my arrogance preceding said game was mighty
Yea, you did smite me down
Yet I remain the most arrogant man this side of Terrell Owens
But will humble myself before you should you find it in your divine wisdom
To inexplicably fell the sweater vested one, Jim Tressel,
Before he whom we have [Redacted]

So give us on Saturday our powerful upset
And make LSU and Oregon 1 & 2
And Justice shall reign
And happiness shall be thy verdict

Yea, grant us this wish, Oh Lord
Amen

UnbearaBULL

What the hell happened here? The Bulls are 0-4, and putting aside the season-opening overtime loss to the New Jersey Nets, all their losses have come by large margins to bad teams (Milwaukee, Philadelphia, LA Clippers?!). So why are these guys doing this?

- Because the Bulls are distracted by Kobe rumors? This could be. Luol Deng and Ben Gordon have certainly been off his normal game through the first four games of the season. But that doesn't excuse the poor performances of Captain Kirk. Not to mention that the one man who KNOWS he'll be traded if there is a trade, Tyrus Thomas, is tearing teams to pieces and playing his ass off.

- Because the Bulls have no inside presence? Another high possibility, but doubtful. Joe Smith has given the team a nice boost from the PF position, and as I said Tyrus Thomas is playing at a very high level right now. Our center doesn't score, but hell, our center is Ben Wallace. The Pistons seemed to do alright with a center that doesn't score.

-Because when the Bulls aren't hitting jumpers they lose 80% of their offense? Also a very good reason, but not the heart of the matter. The Bulls normally have one game every 6 games in which they can't hit a damned jumper to save their soul. This has been 4 games in a row.

The real problem is a mix of all three. Deng and Gordon are distracted by a trade that everyone has been saying is inevitable, Captain Kirk doesn't know he he is going to be passing to in the next month, the Bulls have a hard time scoring inside and so teams focus on stopping their jump shots, and the combined shooting futility that Gordon, Deng, Hinrich, and the rest of our scorers are showing has turned into a deadly mix of pain and suffering that lead the Bulls to 0-4.

The remedy? Trade for Kobe. Yes I'm a big Kobe fan, but it isn't even about that anymore. The trade possibility is not going to go away in the player's minds. What we have gotten ourselves into is a-



-situation. The Bulls have talked about trading these guys for so long that they now HAVE to trade them, because they won't be paying attention so much to playing for a team that they don't think they'll be on by the end of the season.
Am I questioning Ben Gordon or Luol Deng's commitment? Hell no. They're the hardest working players out there. They can't help being distracted by a GM who constantly puts out trade rumors for his players. It's simple, trade Ben Gordon, Tyrus Thomas, Joakim Noah, PJ Brown, and our first round pick for Kobe. The Lakers get three (with the pick, 4) highly promising young players, and one veteran who they can either trade for more young players or keep to help train the two young PFs they're getting.

The trade has to be made now, so get it done, Paxson. Are you really going to be pissed when our lineup looks like this?:

PG: Kirk Hinrich
SG: Kobe Bryant
SF: Luol Deng
PF: Joe Smith
C: Ben Wallace

bench:
Andres Nocioni
Aaron Gray
Chris Duhon
Thabo Seflosha
PJ Brown

Iggins! Power Rankings post week 9

Awwww christ the NFL is bad this year. Honestly, with the exception of the top four teams (NE, IND, DAL, PIT) the NFL is either mediocre or bad. The rankings of just HOW mediocre are as follows:

Total Shit, nothing more needs to be said:
32) Miami Dolphins
31) St. Louis Rams


Kellen Clemens!...:
30) New York Jets

Should not have, in any reality, gotten two wins:
29) San Francisco 49ers
28) Atlanta Falcons (At least they have an excuse)


FUCK CINCINNATI:
27) Cincinnati Bungals

They have sucked every year since Elway, damnit:
26) Denver Broncos (But they'll be picked for the playoffs again next year)


Goddamnit:
25) Chicago Bears
24) Oakland Raiders (Janikowski missed a 64 yarder... because it hit halfway up on the right crossbar. The kick would have gone 74 at least. OH MY GOD.)

Bad, but still contending:
23) Baltimore Ravens (Yeah, their record is better than Philly, Zona, Houston, and Minnesota. But that isn't their fault)
22) Philadelphia Eagles
21) Arizona Cardinals

Dangerous but still shitty overall:
20) Houston Texans (Okay, maybe Mario Williams over Reggie Bush wasn't a terrible pick after all. But Sage Rosenfels?)
19) Minnesota Vikings (If they hand the ball off to the AP 30 times a game they might go 8-8. Which is surprising considering they suck at every other offensive position.)

Terrible is the new mediocre!:
18) Buffalo Bills
17) Kansas City Chiefs
16) Carolina Panthers
15) Seattle Seahawks

The upper half of the league? Really? Ewww.:
14) Washington Redskins (VERY VERY lucky to be 5-3.)
13) San Diego Chargers
12) Tampa Bay Bucs (Fear Ernest Graham)
11) New Orleans Saints (Looks like they remembered how to play football. Or at least how to play offense)

In the top ten... oh God what have we come to?:
10) Jacksonville Jaguars
9) Cleveland Browns (I'm gonna vomit)

I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS WILL LAST FOR A DAMN SECOND:
8) Detroit Lions
7) New York Giants

Slightly above mediocre:
6) Green Bay Packers (surviving on Favre's magic, balls, and witch doctoring)
5) Tennessee Titans (Now will you draft some damn receivers?)

Actually good, but won't win the Super Bowl:
4) Pittsburgh Steelers
3) Dallas Cowboys

Fear not, my son:
2) Indianapolis Colts (Remember, my children, that the 1980 USA hockey team got crushed by the Soviet Union 10-3 in an exhibition game just before the Olympics)

Pure, untainted horror, malice, terror, and evil:
1) New England Patriots

NFL week in review

Oh, what a good weekend it was. For one, the Bears did not lose,which means I can be happy. For two, Griese did not win so I can hate him even more! And for three, the entire NFL decided to stop playing run defense, something the Bears have been doing all season long.

-RUN FATTY RUN!!!!!




And if I wasn't in a deep depression over the Bears being in last I may have enjoyed this EVEN MORE.

-He still ain't Barry Sanders... yet. But Adrian Peterson is perhaps the most frighteningly good running back in the NFL since Barry. Oh, but only if he would have shown some of this talent in college, mayhap he would have been picked above #7! Wait, he almost (and should have), won the Heisman as a freshman? WELL WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!
-Also, because I am in no way shy about tooting my own horn, I did say before the draft that AD was the #2 player available behind Calvin Johnson. BITCH.

-Oh yeah, and these guys did okay too, I guess:

• Marshawn Lynch: 29 carries, 153 yards, 1 TD
  
• Warrick Dunn: 27 carries, 100 yards, 1 TD
• Joseph Addai: 26 carries, 112 yards/ 5 catches, 114 yards, 1 TD
• Clinton Portis: 36 carries, 196 yards, 1 TD
• Ladell Betts: 9 carries, 64 yards
• Ernest Graham: 34 carries, 124 yards, 1 TD
• Lendale White: 31 carries, 100 yards, 1 TD
• Ron Fuckin Dayne: 21 carries, 122 yards, 1 TD

- Devin Hester is getting more pissed every second. Not only is he not getting kicked to, getting hung out to dry by Griese, and killing every woman he sleeps with because within his seed lies the presence of God: now his record is broken, too. Antonio Cromartie returns a kick 109 yards for a TD, and holy shit was it 109 yards:



make that 109 7/8 yards. This was really a double dipper for me, because if Antonio's last name represents the high school where Freddie Mercury, a purple gorilla, and a robot that thinks it's human attend: then he is one of my favorite players.


-Derek Anderson is acting eerily similar to Drew Brees when Philip Rivers was drafted, and I have a sneaky suspicion that it will end the same way, with Anderson being let go and the Ravens picking him up (the horror... th horror... for Browns fans...).

-----Power Rankings to come on the 'morrow, for now enjoy Devin Hester as we all do (and a pleasant reminder that Duke just CAN NOT tackle:
COLLEGE


2006


SUPER BOWL

Still Alive

I am still alive and kicking friends, however, my laptop is completely fried and the stand in that I am borrowing for school work from my grandparents is probably somewhere between 1/50th and 1/10th as fast as my old one, and the sheer fact that it takes this damn thing 5-10 minutes just to upload a fucking picture makes posting on here a rather painful and time consuming ordeal. So, sans my usual pilfering of youtube and google images for humorous media, here is my college football roundup/thoughts of the week

Top 25 Results

Ohio State 38, Wisconsin 17
Ohio State continues to be well-oiled, efficient, Big Ten epitomized machine, coming back in this game to crush the Badgers and continue to 9-0 and the inexorable death march to the national title game and their soul crushing defeat at the hands of LSU, which, now back at number two, will rise to the occasion to make Jim Tressel cry in his sweater vest. Next up for the Buckeyes? Team Powerthirst and Coach [Redacted], in a game in which Illinois will lead long enough to lose in a heartbreaking and soul crushing fashion.

Florida State 27, BC 17
Boston College, at number two for all of a week and a half, managed to piss away any chance the ACC had at credibility, which is just fine with me.

LSU 41, Alabama 34
Thank you, justice, for restoring order and placing LSU back in a slot for the national title game. Also, thank you for making sure Nick Saban lost this game in agonizing fashion. I had thought you had left college football this season, justice, but you show me you are alive and well.

Oregon 35, Arizona State 23
Wellll, maybe justice has been restored. I hope upon hope that Ohio State loses to Illinois or Michigan and allows Oregon to slip into the national title game against LSU, because after watching this team and their amazing quarterback the last two weeks, I can only imagine that an LSU-Oregon matchup would be the most exciting title game not involving Vince Young in the last decade.

Oklahoma 42, Texas A&M 14
I still maintain my stance that Oklahoma is the Big 12's Ohio State, and I think a Missouri-Oklahoma rematch in the Big 12 title game, or an Oklahoma-Kansas title game would be throughly entertaining in testing the mettle of this team and the entire conference.

Kansas 76, Nebraska 39
Yeah, 115 points in one game, 76 of them dropped on the Saigon 1975esque republic of Callahanistan. This shit is getting ridiculous. Flee!

(seen outside the offices of Bill Callahan, Nebraska Football Coach)

Missouri 55, Colorado 10
You can not hope to stop Chase Daniel, you can only hope to contain Chase Daniel. You're also likely to fail.

Georgia 44, Troy 34
Why, oh Why, did Florida lose to Georgia last week? Now, instead of watching the force of nature that is Tim Tebow get another crack at LSU in the SEC title game, we're likely to see the defense that gave up 34 points to TROY be bent over the table mercilessly by the taffy loving LSU tigers.

Virginia Tech 27, Georgia Tech 3
The ACC holds nothing but desolate wastelands and miserable turnover plagued offensively defunct football. Oh, and Fuck Chan Gailey.

USC 24, Oregon State 3
Yeah, USC's still out there. But are they relevant to the national title game picture? Say it with me folks, you know you want to, a one, a two, a three, "FUCK NO"

Michigan 28, Michigan State 24
Remember way, way way back in my first college roundup when I mentioned my fear that Michigan, despite its crushing defeats to App State and Oregon, would run the table in the Big Ten, end up in a BCS bowl, and expose forever the fact that the Big Ten is not a legitimate championship caliber conference? Prepare for mayhem, because barring Tressel beating Michigan again, it can, and will happen.

Texas 38, Oklahoma State 35
Really, let me put the emphasis on this, I do not care, Texas, I do not care.

Connecticut 38, Rutgers 19
Really? Good for you, UConn.

Florida 49, Vanderbilt 22
Oh, what could have been, Tim Tebow, what could have been.

Auburn 35, Tennessee Tech 3
Whew, dodged that bullet, didn't we Tommy Tuberville?

Cincinnati 38, South Florida 35
Two straight losses for one time #2 South Florida, a team that I have admittedly disliked all year for no apparent reason. I win, they lose.

Virginia 17, Wake Forest 16
(See Virginia Tech result)

Boise State 42, San Jose State 7
Blue turf for everyone! Yay!

Arkansas 48, South Carolina 36
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Spurrier can kiss this year goodbye.

Tennessee 59, Louisiana Lafayette 7
Squeaker.

Clemson 47, Duke 10
(See Virginia Tech result)

Rankings
1. LSU
2. Oregon
3. Oklahoma
4. Kansas
5. Ohio State
6. Missouri
7. West Virginia
8. Arizona State
9. Boston College
10. Georgia
11. Virginia Tech
12.Hawaii
13. USC
14. Michigan
15. Florida
16. Texas
17. UConn
18.Auburn
19. Boise State
20. Alabama
21. Clemson
22.Illinois
23. Cal
24. Kentucky
25. Virginia

Random Notes From Sportsdom-

-Really, I don't give a shit if the Bulls get Kobe or not.

-Brian Griese is still the Bears starter, and if you look in the box scores you will see that the Bears did not win yesterday.

-Matt Ryan vomits up #2 and the Heisman this week.

-Juice Williams passed for 200 yards finally. Joyous! What's that? It was against Minnesota? Fuck

Delicious football

Due to Red either being
A) Stabbed by someone offended by something he said (40% chance)
B) immobilized because he has let his beard grow for over two weeks and it now weighs 3 tons and stretches around the planet thrice (35% chance)
C) Holding [NAME REDACTED] hostage (15% chance)
or
D) hung over (10% chance)

I feel it is necessary for some college football shit to go down in dis bidniss

-Holy shi'ite today was a fun day for football. Putting aside my own interests (for about three seconds) the number 4 team went down, Alabama won then lost in about three minutes, and Kansas scored 76 on soon to be fired Bill Calahan.

-Now for my interests. Jake Christensen played worse than he has all season for the first quarter (which is saying something). Then he turned into Joe fuckin Montana and tore Northwestern to pieces. I'm still shocked pretty good about that. I can't put too much faith in him, though. I mean, I just saw Griese do the same damn thing.

-Really, there's somethinjg about SEC football that's way better then all other football. It's probably one of these things:
1)They are the best conference in Div. 1
2) They are broadcast on CBS which, though clearly inferior in NFL broadcasting, is clearly superior to all others in college football broadcasting.
3) The games I've seen this year are Fla vs. Kentucky, LSU vs. Kentucky, Arkansas vs. Alabama, LSU vs. Auburn, and todays game Alabama vs. LSU.

-As I am typing this Matt Ryan looks like he's about to do the same thing he did last week, hopefully sans-vomit. If I jinx him, I apologize. (ed. Sweet Fancy Moses FSU's punter just kicked the most beautiful kick to ever be kicked.)

- Watching Minnesota is like watching Iowa, and by that I mean it BURNNNNSSEEESSSSS. Next week's battle for Floyd of Rosedale is going to be horrifying.


Do I really want it that bad? Yes. Oh God
I love this pig.

-Oh my Nebraska sucks hardcore. Or maybe Kansas is good. I prefer to believe a third option: both Nebraska and Kansas were afraid the Mangino would eat them if Nebraska won.


OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S HUGE!!!! Let's throw the ball
50 times with a first-time starter! That ought to appease it.

-No Bears game tomorrow so its basically wait for the Patriots/Colts game.
What should you do while you wait? Watch the cheerleaders.


It's more exciting than watching the Chargers play
the Vikings, at least.

KOBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This is exactly how I feel right now:





-also, am I the only white guy in America that thinks Kobe was innocent?