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Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Bottom 10 Bears Quarterbacks of My Lifetime 5-2

#5- Henry "Crazy Legs" Burris

Henry Burris is slightly different than most other candidates on this list because, well, for unexplained reasons, I just like Henry Burris. He seemed like a talented, viable young prospect who might have potentially been an NFL success if given the time and proper coaching. No part of the last sentence was true. Henry was the best passer in the history of Temple University, a school that hasn't had a winning record since 1990 nor gone to a bowl game since 1979. Henry then went to the Canadian Football League, where his scrambling ability and strong arm made him an ideal player for that league. In 2001, Henry signed with Green Bay Packers, spent a year floating between their practice squad and third string, then was cut without ever seeing in NFL playing time. The Bears then followed their age old tradition of "he wasn't good enough for Green Bay? Well, give him a shot here then" and signed Henry before the 2002 season. After watching what was left of Jim Miller's right shoulder and Chris Chandler lead the team to a 4-11 record through the first 15 games with Henry seeing spot duty in five of those games, fans finally prevailed upon Coach Dick Jauron to start Henry against the soon to be Superbowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Memorial Stadium. In what people in the football business term "an unmitigated disaster", Henry was hammered all night long, threw four interceptions, and the Bears lost by the uncomfortably bad score of 15-0. Henry was cut shortly thereafter. He returned to Canada, where he has led the Sasketchewan Roughriders and the Calgary Stampeders to the playoffs in four consecutive years, and his games occasionally appear on Comcast Sports Net late at night in the summer, typically prompting either Iggins! or myself to see them and text the other with "Holy Fuck! Crazy Legs on CSN!"

Henry's Line: 6 games, 1 start, 18-51, 35% comp. percentage, 207 yds, 4.1 ypa, 3 tds, 5 ints, and a spectacular 28.5 quarterback rating.


-One other Henry Burris story of note, during my sophomore high school football season, my football team went on a weekend retreat, where games of Madden 2003 were played on an epic stage. In one game late that night, my head football coach, a Packers fan, and our defensive coordinator, a Bears fan, squared off in a game in which the HC's Packers knocked out both Jim Miller and Chris Chandler, forcing our DC to play the 45 overall rated Henry Burris against a 12-4 Madden Packers team. To the surprise and glee of all, Crazy Legs managed to rally the Bears from a 21-7 halftime deficit and win the game 28-21. Viva Crazy Legs!


#4- Kordell Stewart

Do not be confused, Henry Burris and Kordell Stewart are two distinctly different players despite their similar appearance and propensity to wear #10. Henry Burris was a wildly innaccurate passer who utilized his scrambling ability ineffectively and was a sad excuse for a quarterback. Kordell Stewart was all of those things as well, but was paid more and is rumored to be gay. So, see, there's a difference. Kordell was drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1995, and earned the nickname Slash during his rookie season as he was used as a quarterback, runningback, and wide receiver throughout the season and was a widely popular player in that role. During the 1996 preseason Kordell was given the chance to compete for the Steelers starting QB job, but lost the competition to Jim Miller, who he would ironically replace in Chicago. After Miller and Mike Tomczak combined to suck for Pittsburgh in 96, Kordell was named the starter for the 1997 season and threw for 21 touchdowns to lead Pittsburgh to an 11-5 record and a trip to the AFC title game. After that, however, Kordell showed the inconsistency that would eventually run him out of the league, and never again approached his numbers of 1997, although he did manage to lead Pittsburgh back to the AFC title game in 2001, and threw three interceptions in that loss. After a slow start to 2002, Kordell was benched for...guh...Tommy Maddox and was cut after the season. The Bears, apparently enamored with the idea that Kordell could be a Michael Vick type quarterback (that was considered a good thing back then) signed Kordell in April 2003 to a $4 million deal and named him the starter over crippled Chandler and rookie Grossman. Kordell then started the first 5 games of the 2003 season, going 1-4 in those games, throwing 4 tds versus 7 interceptions and playing bewilderingly bad. The Bears also used the genius mind of offensive coordinator John Shoop to devise special plays for Kordell, including my favorite, the play action quarterback draw. For those of you not familiar with the verbiage, play action is designed to fake a run and then throw a pass, thus drawing in the linebackers close to the line of scrimmage so one can then throw over them. A play action quarterback draw meant that Kordell drew the linebackers in, then ran right at them. The play usually ended thusly:


With the pictured tackle taking place about four yards in the backfield. After the 1-4 start, Kordell was benched, but managed to appear in 4 more games with two more starts after injuries to (imagine this) Chris Chandler and (also suprising, I know) Rex Grossman, and the Bears went 2-2 in those 4 games, bringing the Bears record in games played by Kordell to 3-6.

Kordell's Line: 9 games, 7 starts, 126 of 251, 50.2 % comp., 1,418 yds, 7 tds, 12 ints, 56. 8 QB rating.

#3- Jonathan Quinn


Take a long look at that photograph. For you are gazing upon the visage of the least talented quarterback in Chicago Bears history. No one in their right mind can explain why Jonathan Quinn has ever set foot upon an NFL field. The man is the anti-Rex Grossman, and not in the safe, good way that so many want. This man could not throw the ball downfield if his life depended on it. Any pass that was not a wide receiver screen, half back screen, or dumpoff pass was beyond the capabilities of young Quinn. Quinn was also the most indecisive quarterback known to mankind, staring down his receiver until the last second, then either getting sacked or throwing the ball into the stands. Unintentionally. Quinn's statue like pocket presence was in fact the origin of Iggins! father's famous declaration that "the Bears favorite play must be the Dropback-and-get-sacked."

Quinn came to the Bears before the 2004 season following the hiring of Lovie Smith as head coach. Lovie named Kansas City Chiefs quarterbacks coach Terry Shea as the offensive coordinator, and Shea brought with him a ridiculously long and complicated playbook and also recommended that the Bears sign Quinn as their backup. Not surprisingly, Shea was fired after the 2004 season for being a fucking moron. After Rex Grossman started the first three games of 2004 and performed well in the vertical pass based offense before getting injured against Minnesota, Quinn finished the game against the Vikings missing badly on all three of his pass attempts on the final drive. Quinn then started the next three games against Philadelphia, Washington, and Tampa Bay, going 0-3 and forever burning in the minds of Bears fans just how horrible quarterback play really can be. Quinn was then benched for Craig Krenzel, proving the time tested theory that if Craig Krenzel is a better option than you, you should just quit. When Krenzel got hurt in a Thanksgiving game against Dallas, Quinn came in to play the second half and went 10 of 21 for 86 yards, no touchdowns and 2 interceptions in two quarters of play that no Bears fan probably watched. Quinn was cut after the 2004 season, and I cried hot tears of joy.

Quinn's Line: 5 games, 3 starts, 51 of 98, 52% comp., 413 yds, 4.2 ypa, 1 td, 3 ints, 53.5 QB rating.

#2- Rick Mirer


Not surprisingly the only picture of Rick Mirer as a Bear features him runnng for his life while Andy Heck gets killed. Awesome.

Rick Mirer holds the unique distinction of being one of the only players in NFL history to have been a first round bust for two different franchises. Rick was drafted number 2 overall by the Seahawks in the 1993 NFL draft after a stellar career at Notre Dame. He was touted as the next Joe Montana, but as we know, that label is usually a curse (see Stenstrom, Steve). Mirer then started all 16 games as a rookie for the Seahawks in 1993, and the majority of their games through the 1996 season, and was a disaster, throwing for 41 touchdowns vs a whopping 56 interceptions. Not to be deterred by four years of evidence to the contrary, then Bears head coach and douchebag Dave Wannstedt decided to trade his first round draft pick in 1997 to the Seahawks for the troubled Mirer. Thus making Mirer a bust worthy of two first round picks. The Bears then signed Mirer to a 3 year, $11.4 million dollar deal that still ranks as one of the worst in franchise history. Before the 97 season the Bears named Mirer the starter the day he was acquired, but were forced to backtrack as former starter Erik Kramer was healthy and clearly outplayed Mirer in every way in training camp and the preaseason. Wannstedt declared Kramer the starter, but remarked that Mirer would start when he was ready.

"Ready" for Mirer apparently meant "as soon as we're 0-3 and there's no reason why not", and after going winless the first three weeks, Mirer started the next three games of the season against New England, Dallas, and New Orleans. Mirer went 0-3 in those games as the Bears were outscored 78-23 and Mirer played absolutely atrociously, looking scared at all times, heaving duck passes left and right and scrambling erratically at the first sign of trouble. Mirer was cut after the Bears finished 1997 4-12, and the painful nightmare was over for Bears fans.

Rick's Line: 7 games, 3 starts, 53 of 103, 51% comp., 420 yds, 4.1 ypa. 0 tds, 6 ints, and his miraculous 37.8 QB rating

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