#1- I F%#king Hate You, Cade McNown, You Weak Armed, Snot Nosed Little Sh*t Bag

We finally reach the worst Bears quarterback of my lifetime, and this should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Bears football. Cade McNown was a horrendous disaster of a quarterback, and no other period of my life as a Bears fan has been quite as painful as his two year reign of terror. The scars of the Cade McNown experience have never quite faded away, and every quarterback the Bears sign or draft is immediately scanned for the potential to be the next Cade. So now, I present to you the story of Cade McNown: "Quarterback", Douchebag, Failure.

The story of Cade's journey with the Bears begins before the 1999 NFL draft. The Bears were one of the teams looking to cash in on the 1999 Quarterback Crop, which was supposed to provide the next generation of great NFL quarterbacks. The crop was compared to the 1983 quarterback class which featured Dan Marino, John Elway, Jim Kelly, and Jim O'Brien. Heading into the 99 draft Kentucky's Tim Couch, Oregon's Akili Smith, Syracuse's Donovan McNabb, UCLA's McNown, and Central Florida's Daunte Culpepper were all touted as first round picks and sure-fire NFL stars. Smith, McNabb, Culpepper and McNown were featured on the cover of ESPN the magazine

Cade, the only white quarterback on the cover, looks ridiculously out of place in that picture with his powder blue UCLA jersey and surly toeheaded apperance. God, I hate him. I hate him so much.

On draft day, as expected, Couch went number one overall to the Browns, McNabb went at number two to the Eagles, Smith went to the Bengals at three, Culpepper went to the Vikings at
11, and McNown went to the Bears at number 12. As of the 2007 season, only McNabb and Culpepper are still in the NFL, only McNabb is with the team that drafted him, Smith is a Canadian Football League backup, and Couch and McNown are not playing at all.

Erik Kramer was supposed to be the starter until McNown was ready, but he was cut before training camp, as the Bears had every intention of letting McNown win the starting job. In the first asshole move of many, Cade held out throughout training camp, and Shane Matthews was given the starting job, though first year head coach Dick Jauron promised that McNown would play at least one series every game to accumulate experience.

The 1999 Season

Jauron stuck to the plan for the first five games of the season as a red-hot Shane Matthews propelled the team to a 3-2 start and McNown looked solid, if not spectacular, in his one series per game. Matthews pulled his hamstring, however, late in the fifth game of the season at Minnesota and the door was open for the beginning of Cade's Hell.

Cade started the sixth game of the season against Philadelphia, the first of his many losses as a starter for the Bears. Cade followed that loss with an embarassing 9 of 23 passing performance in another loss against Tampa, and with the Bears at 3-4, Jauron tried to start the gimpy Matthews in the next game against Washington, but Matthews again aggravated the hamstring injury, and Cade finished the game, which the Bears lost in blowout fashion thanks in no small part to Cade's 3 interceptions. Cade then started the next week's game against Green Bay, but was injured in the first half and replaced by Jim Miller, who rallied the Bears to their miracle win dedicated to the memory of Walter Payton, who had died earlier in the week.

Jim Miller then started the next three games for the Bears, rolling up huge passing numbers and winning two of three before being suspended for taking a banned over the counter substance. Cade then started the last three games of the season, passed for 300 yards and four touchdowns in an impressive win over Detroit, then followed that with two mediocre games against St. Louis and Tampa Bay, both losses. Cade finished his rookie season having played in 15 games, starting 6 games and going 2-4 in those starts. Cades stats for the year were as follows:

127 of 235, 1,465 yards, 6.2 ypa, 8 tds, 10 ints, 66.7 QB rating.

All in all, one would suppose those weren't bad numbers for a rookie, but in reality, of his 15 games, the 1 good one was against Detroit, the other 14 ranged from decent to absolutely horrendous.

The 2000 Season

Before the 2000 season, Cade "won" the starting job in a battle vs. Matthews and Miller, in a competition that many felt was rigged in favor of the youngster. The season began well statistically for Cade, as he rolled up 290 yards passing, 87 yards rushing, and a combined 3 touchdowns against Minnesota in the season opener. Over the next six games, however, McNown regressed to the bad form he had shown throughout most of his rookie season, refusing to set his feet, overthrowing his receivers, and showing a general lack of arm strength that had concerned Bears fans since before the draft. The Bears went 1-6 in their first seven games under Cade, as fans chanted for Jim Miller each week. Coach Jauron stubbornly stuck by his young quarterback, despite his unpopularity with fans and his own teammates. What Jauron failed to do, however, Cade's own weak shoulder did for him, as he left the team's eighth game against Philadelphia with an injury to that area after getting sacked.

Miller took over and nearly rallied the team to a win, though he fell just short. Miller would play well in his three starts, winning two of them, before being injured himself and replaced with Shane Matthews. Matthews started five of the teams last six games, going 3-2 but playing badly enough that Jauron gave McNown one final start against San Francisco, a game where Cade was an appalling 9 of 29 passing. Cade's final line for the 2000 season:

154 of 280, 55% comp., 1,646 yds, 5.8 ypa, 8 tds, 9 ints. 68.5 QB Rating

Bringing Cade's two year totals as a Bears player to

25 games, 15 starts with a robust 3-12 record. 281 of 515, 54.6% comp., 3,111 yds, 6.1 ypa, 16 tds, 19 ints, 67.7 QB Rating.

But Cade's statistics are not the sole reason why we hate him. You'll actually notice that, for the most part, they aren't that bad, especially in comparison to the other quarterbacks on this list. But while its true that Cade's numbers are mostly deceiving because of the 2 or 3 great games he had, which balanced out his 23 bad to godawful games, the main reason we hate Cade is because he is possibly the biggest dickhead in the history of the Chicago Bears. Note the following reasons:

Feuds with Teammates:

-When asked about his poor performance in one game in which he badly overthrew his receivers on multiple occasions, Cade suggested that his wide receivers maybe were just "too tired" to catch up to his passes.

-Cade openly admitted that he did not prepare very well before his miserable game against San Francisco in 2000, and was unapologetic about this fact.

-Multiple Bears players were reported to have gone to Coach Jauron before the 2000 season finale against Detroit to tell him that they would not play if Jauron started McNown over Shane Matthews.

Feuds with the Law, Press, and Fans:

-Cade was once investigated by the FBI in a possible point-shaving scandal while at UCLA.

-Cade was charged and plead no contest to illegally using a handicapped parking permit while at UCLA.

-After being booed after yet another terrible game, Cade announced to fans that if they "want to boo, they can just stay home". Not a popular move among management.

-Cade once plowed over a camera man while running out of bounds during a game, helped him up, then walked back to the sidelines and informed his teammates that he helped said reporter because "I had to make it look like I cared"

Feud with Tim Couch:

-At a party shortly after the draft in 1999, fellow rookie quarterback Tim Couch introduced Cade to his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Heather Kozar. Cade then stole Kozar from Couch after sending her flowers on multiple occasions and buying her a Porsche. Fear not for Tim, though. Once Kozar realized the bag of douche Cade was, she left him and returned to Tim. They are now married. Here's a picture of Mrs. Couch for good measure:

Thankfully after two years the Bears had had enough, and traded Cade to the Miami Dolphins for a seventh round draft pick. Cade spent the 2001 season on the bench as the Dolphins 3rd stringer, and then was traded to the 49ers, where he also spent the season on the bench as a 3rd stringer before being cut before the 2003 season. Since then Cade has stayed out of football, biding his time before dying and going to hell.

Cade is, unfortunately, not entirely gone, at least not in the hearts and minds of Bears fans forever haunted by his terrible attitude and quarterbacking. Many of us winced on draft day when Rex Grossman was picked and announced that he would wear the #8 jersey once worn by Cade. Even the rare sightings of Cade merchandise can send Bears fans into a panic, as Iggins! and I once discovered one day while he was cleaning out his closet, when we discovered a Cade jersey and a Bears hat signed not only by Cade, but also by 1st round Bears runningback bust Curtis Enis. Iggins! dropped the hat as both of us recoiled in fear, but we so far have been unable to destroy it for fear of the evil it would release upon the world, and also so that might it serve as a warning of what might be when first round picks go wrong.

I fucking hate you Cade.