Code Red: Hello again, folks. As you might remember from last week we introduced a new weekly event here on Start Kyle Orton, where Iggins!, myself, and a celebrity guest choose one NFL team guaranteed to win, one NFL team guaranteed to lose, one NFL player guaranteed to be a fantasy football stud, and the winner of the week's biggest college matchup,this week's being Missouri-Oklahoma . Our celebrity guest, and this one is a real treat as he is a personal hero of mine, is news giant and standard bearer for traditional American values, Bill O'Reilly. Papa Bear, thank you for joining us.
Bill O'Reilly: Happy to be here, Mr. Red. Which, I've been meaning to ask you and I think America wants to know the truth, why that particular nickname?
Code Red: Well it's an allusion to a comment made by Atlanta Falcons cornerback Deangelo Hall..
Bill O'Reilly: Or an overt declaration of your communist sentiments. Now I think all America asks is that in the interests of objectivity, you state your political leanings, rather than pass your leftist drivel off as "news", much like CNN or MSNBC, who, if I may point out, are once again being thumped by Fox News in the ratings. I think America has decided on that one.
Code Red: No, no, I loathe communism, I watch your show daily, Mr. O'Reilly.
Bill O'Reilly: As many Americans do. Might I point out that the Factor is the highest rated show on all of cable news?
Code Red: Well yes, but we really need to move on to the topic of this post..
Bill O'Reilly: Just like all the others of your kind, when confronted with the facts you run away from the issue!
Code Red: I...I just, Iggins!?
Iggins!: Yea...no, I like where this is going. Bill, call him a communist again.
Code Red: Dude, that's cold. Umm, anywho, my NFL team guaranteed to win this week is the Cincinnati Bengals, who I think will come out with vengeance to shake off three straight bad performances to defeat the Kansas City Chiefs. My NFL team guaranteed to lose is the Jets against the Eagles. My fantasy football Pimp of the week...
Bill O'Reilly: You're praising a pimp? What kind of degradation do you stand for?
Code Red: Well he's not really a pimp, its just a matter of expression standing for someone who performs well..
Bill O'Reilly: You label someone as a pimp as a compliment? Do you realize what this progressive slang of yours does to damage the fabric of America?
Code Red: I...I...Papa Bear... I...
Iggins!: This moment is so delicious, I want to wrap it in foil and stick it in my fridge so I can pinch off tiny bits of it to cheer me up whenever I'm feeling down.
Code Red: My..umm.. MVP of the week is Willis McGahee of the Ravens agains the Rams defense. And I'm going to take Oklahoma over Missouri 28-17. Iggins!?
Iggins!: My team guaranteed to win is da Bears over the Minnesota Vikings. My team guaranteed to lose is Green Bay against the Redskins, because the ball is rolling on the Packers descent begins in earnest this week. My fantasy football player of merit..
Bill O'Reilly: See how respectfully he termed that?
Code Red: What, no, no! He hardly ever even watches the Factor! He listens to rap music! His entire vocabulary is ripped from ebonics!
Bill O'Reilly: Flattery will get you no where, sir, what we have here is a Fine American.
Iggins!: Oh, my God, the taste, its so sweet.. but said player once again is Randy Moss. Me, I take Oklahoma over Missouri, 28-23. Mr. O'Reilly, sir?
Bill O'Reilly: Why thank you, young man. It's young men like you that give me hope for the future.
Code Red: He once threatened to shit on the Pope's grave! You're an Irish Catholic! He's a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING!
Bill O'Reilly: Are you defaming the church? Despicable. Utterly despicable. I'm going to guarantee Cardinals will beat Carolina, I'm going to guarantee an Oakland loss to San Diego, and my top player of the week will be Carson Palmer.
Code Red: And the winner of the college game, sir?
Bill O'Reilly: I'm taking Notre Dame.
Code Red: But we're picking the Missouri-Oklahoma winner...
Bill O'Reilly: I grew up in a traditional American home of Irish ancestry. I watch Notre Dame, son, because thats true American football.
Iggins!: Yeah, Code Red, show some respect for an American institution.
Code Red: You hate Notre Dame! You once said God created vampires for the express purpose of killing Catholics!
Iggins!: This is just low of you to slander my character.
Bill O'Reilly: We've shown you the truth about this young man, America. The spin stopped here.
Code Red: Oh I give up.