Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics Part II

After the first two rounds, we have Illinois and Iowa tied 1-1, so here are the final three rounds to determine who truly deserves our praise as a football team.

Round 3: Head Coaches
I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.

Illinois- Ron Zook


Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.

Head Coaching Record: UF- 23-15. Illinois- 9-20 Overall: 32-35, 47% Winning Percentage. Bowl Games: 0-3

Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing (www.fireronzook.com) up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and ....do whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.



Seriously, I don't want to know.

Iowa- Kirk Ferentz


Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.

Head Coaching Record: Maine-12-21, Iowa 57-45, Career:69-66. 51 % Winning Percentage. Bowls: 3-3.

Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.


Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois

Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.

Illinois- Kurt Kittner 1998-2001


College Statistics: 43 games, 682 comp./1264 attempts. 8,722 yds. 70 touchdowns, 34 interceptions.

Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.

Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).

Iowa- Brad Banks 2001-2002


College Statistics: Passing- 23 games, 213 comp./362 attempts. 3,155 yds. 30 tds, 7 interceptions. Rushing- 122 attempts, 574 yards. 4.7 yards per rush. 7 tds.

Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."

Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.

Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa

Round 5: Mascot

Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).


Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.

Iowa: Herky the Hawk


Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.

Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois

Game, Set, and Match

Weezy's whirlwind of Predictions

Yo, bitches. I'm back in here afta a bit of a break, ya see, da cubz losin n shit really put a bug up ma ass. But i be movin on now so I'll hit ya up wit some fly ass predictions for whatever the fuck I feel like predictin you hoes.

(21) Florida State @ Wake Forest, Thurs. on ESPN, 6:30 ct
Yo I don't see why FSU e'en deserves ta be ranked at dis point, bruh. Dey ain't good I promise ya, so stop shittin so much bias you be drownin in it, aight Coaches Poll? That mighta given away ma pick, but who gives a fuck? Xavier Lee ain't good, he just black, you racist fucks. Wake Forest still got that underdog mojo goin for em, plus dey beat FSU 30-0 last year in Tallahassee. Wake Forest by 17.

NLCS Game 1, Colorado Rockies @ Arizona Diamondbacks, Thurs. on TBS, 7:30 ct
This shit is pretty tough fuh me y'know, wut wit da Cubs not bein heeya but I'll pick it anyways. The Rockies, despite dey lack of positive american-african role models, managed to beat da shit outta da phils in Philly, and the D-Backs beat Ted Lilly's bad day and Rich Hill's hangin curve ball. Advantage? Killa Mike.
Killer Mike by 49


Killa Kill wins

ALCS Game 1, Cleveland Indians @ Boston Red Sox, Fri. TBS, 6:00 ct
Yo bein as da Indians and da BoSox are the two teams I got right dis matchup sits well wit me. Since I be good at predictin shit in the AL y'all listen when I tell ya dis: Da Indians gon win dis series. C.C. and my boy Fausto "I sold ma soul fo knowledge" Carmona are too much, if dis shit goes seven there are at least fo wins for dem two's two starts.
Indians in 7

Yo, Ima hit yall up wit my Saturday predictions tomorrow an ma Sunday predictions on Saturday so yall got plenty uh time to go to da bookies cuz you know I be da truf, ya hurr? So shit, peace fuh now, bitchez.

Lil Wayne's MLB Playoffs record: 2-2
Lil Wayne's NCAA Football record: N/A
Lil Wayne's NFL record: N/A

Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics

So in my second salvo against those communist pig loving sheep shaggers of the University of Iowa, I've decided to do a comparison between the self declared "historically more successful" football program of the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Fighting Illini. Now I'm not going to use the common, boring ass statistics like the number of national championships Illini football has (5), compared to the number that Iowa has (1). or the number of conference titles the Illini have won (15) or that Iowa has won (12, one of which was for some nonexistent Western Interstate University Football Association, not the Western Conference/Big Ten, but who's counting? ), the number of college or NFL hall of famers Illinois has (15, 6) over Iowa (13, 2), nor even the number of say, Rose Bowl victories by Illinois (3) or Iowa (2). I'm talking about what's really important. Immeasurable statistics and obscure players forgotten most likely by anyone but true Illini or Iowa football fans. So we commence with

Round 1: 1980's Quarterbacks That Dominated the Big Ten and Flopped in the NFL

Illinois- Jack Trudeau 1981-1985

Career Records Held for Fighting Illini : 8,725 career passing yards, 797 career completions, 64% career completion percentage.

NFL Career: Drafted by Colts in 2nd rd, 1986. Played from 1986-1995 with the Colts, Jets, and Panthers. 873 comps/1644 att. 53.1% comp. 10,243 yards. 42 tds, 69 ints. 63.3 QB Rating

Since retiring has: Been arrested and ticketed for hosting a graduation party for his son and supplying alcohol to minors. Because that's the Illinois way.

Iowa- Chuck Long 1981-1985

Career Records Held for Hawkeyes: 1,203 career attempts, 782 career completions, 65% career completion percentage, 10, 461 career yards, 74 career touchdown passes. (and a shit ton of others. this guy owns the entire record book.)

NFL Career: Drafted by Lions in the 1st rd, 1986. Played from 1986-1994 with Detroit and the Los Angeles Rams. 331 comp./607 atts, 54.5% comp., 3,747 yds, 19 tds, 28 ints. 64.5 rating.

Since retiring has: Become an assistant college coach at Iowa and Oklahoma and is now the head coach of San Diego State University. Booooooring.

Result:Well, the statistics, especially in college, would seem to favor Chuck Long, but that's just not how we do things at Start Kyle Orton. Trudeau gave beer to kids, so he wins. Advantage: Illinois

Round 2: Spunky Wide Receiver that Everyone Loved

Illinois- Brandon Lloyd 1999-2002


College: 160 receptions, 2,583 receiving yards, 21 tds.

NFL: Drafted in the 4th rd of the 2003 NFL draft by the San Fransisco 49ers. Played for the 49ers from 2003-2005 with 105 receptions for 1510 yards and 13 tds. Was traded to the Redskins before the 2006 season and has proven to be a disappointment as a Redskin with only 24 receptions for 374 yards and no touchdowns. Also produced a rap album while in San Fransisco and has been accused of short arming passes and not being dedicated to the game of football.

Iowa- Tim Dwight Iowa 1994-1997


College: 139 receptions for 2271 yards and 21 tds. Also has 76 career punt returns for 1102 yards and 5 tds, which were all Big Ten records till some guy named Ted Ginn, Jr. came along.

NFL: Drafted by the Falcons in the 4th round of the 1998 NFL Draft. Played from 1998-2006 with the Falcons, Chargers, Patriots, and Jets. Is not officially retired, but is most likely done. Has 188 receptions for 2,866 yards and 17 tds. Has also returned 94 punts for 967 yards and 3 tds.

Since retiring has: Give him a fucking break, he got cut like a month ago.

Result: While their receiving statistics are roughly equal and Lloyd is most likely to eclipse Dwight in those categories soon, Dwight's skill as a returner give him the edge. Also, the consensus on Brandon Lloyd since he's been in the NFL is that he's a selfish cock, and Tim Dwight is Tim Dwight. I mean, come on, TIM DWIGHT! Advantage: Iowa

Well, after 2 rounds its a tie. More to come later when I feel like it.

It Has Begun

If you haven't noticed from the last two posts, this week is officially Civil War Week at Start Kyle Orton. Fuck Iowa!

Please, God, just one more win.

Look, I've been a Hawkeye fan my whole life. Plus, I have lived my whole life in Illinois, albeit 20 minutes from Iowa. This has created in me a deep resentment for the Illini mainly because their fans are fuckin morons, spouting something about basketball whenever you talk about their football team or telling you that they "Only like the Illini basketball team."(Code Red is excluded from this group, incidentally, as he has been an Illini fan (though still annoying) his whole life)) And suddenly all those dumbshits want to hop back onto the Illini football bandwagon? Fuck them.

Honestly, if my experience is any indicator, at least seventy percent of Illini fans stopped caring, watching, and even supporting in any way their football team once Kittner left the team. The very idea that these bandwagon-loving bastards would be rewarded for their unfaithfulness with a Big Ten Title horrifies me, and, frankly, is the only reason I hope the Illini lose every damned game left on their schedule when I know they won't, and when I know their most guaranteed win left is this weekend against my Hawkeyes.

You see, Iowa fans cheer on their team regardless of how good or bad they are. We watched every damn Steve Alford era basketball game even though we knew the sunuvabitch would coach us to another disappointing year. We actually remember the shit years of Iowa football, back when we were going 2-9 on a regular basis, because we watched the damn games out of loyalty, love, and most of all because we're true fans here in the middle of nowhere. Can most Illini fans say the same? I challenge you to find a random Illini fan on the street and ask them who their starting quarterback was before Juice. Guess what? You'll either get a "Kurt Kittner" or "Baaaaaaaazzzgetballl?".


Bazgetball?


What do the Illini's fans have to do with the team? Absolutely nothing. Juice is getting better (although he's still a little too giving with the ball), Rashard Mendenhall is amazing and Arrelious Benn is fantastic. Hell, their defense is even pretty good. I am not disputing that the Illini are a better team than Iowa. Actually I think Iowa should be at least a 20 point underdog.

But, God, Jesus, Buddha, whoever; is it just too much to ask that a fanbase be punished through their team? I see that you're already doing it to Jets fans, so I know you can do it again. You see what I see. And you know what'll happen. If the Illini end this season below .500 all their fans will magically disappear once more, muttering something about basketball and Bruce Weber not being a loud-mouthed fuckhole. And you know what'll happen when the Hawkeyes end this season 2-10. We're gonna stick around and wait til next year, God. We're not gonna abandon our team because of one or two or even five bad years because we love our team more than winning.

So basically, it all comes down to this. God, I know the Hawkeyes barely have a chance to win one more game this year. I know we're a far worse team than Illinois. But Stanford beat USC, and Appalachian State beat Michigan. Could you just do it one more time? For me? I won't ask that Todd Lickliter and the hoops team do well, I won't ask that Jake Christensen gets benched or that Jessica Alba lands in my lap. I just want one more damned win so I can have one thing to hang my hat on this year. And this'd be a mighty fine hat rack.

BAH BAH BAH! BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH! BUM BUM BUM BUMM BUUUM BUM BUMBUMBUMBUMBUM!

Yes, folks. Its Illinois-Iowa week at Start Kyle Orton. For once I'm the one filled with possibly outrageous expectations of a Big Ten Title and Iggins! is the one nearly left in suicidal despair over the tragic/hysterical play of his beleagured Hawkeyes. Illinois is currently a 3.5 point favorite over the struggling Hawkeyes in Iowa City. This is indeed a departure from recent history if you'll look at the last several Illini-Hawkeye games..

2006- Iowa 24, Illinois 7
2005-Iowa 35, Illinois 7
2004- Iowa 23, Illinois 13
2003- Iowa 41, Illinois 10
2000-Illinois 31, Iowa 0

Yes, that's right, it's been SEVEN YEARS since Illinois beat the Iowa Hawkeyes. At this point I don't care what anybody says, most of all Iggins!, as an Illini fan, I'm not taking this one as a given until the final whistle. God I hate Iowa. I hate everything about that completely pointless state, its athletics program, the fact that their milquetoast football coach is the highest paid employee in the state, the fact that not ONE person from that entire state knows how to drive a car, the fact that every year in basketball Illinois has a vastly superior team and yet always manages to either lose or so severely play below their ability to the Hawkeyes that Iowa fans have reason to throw a "yeah, but.." in our face every damn time.
Example :

Code Red: Man, those 37-2 2004-2005 Illini had some great players.

Iggins!: Yeah, but you only beat a 21-12 Hawkeyes team by 5. IN ASSEMBLY HALL!! SOMEHOW, BY MY TWISTED LOGIC THAT BASICALLY MEANS IOWA WON! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Code Red: Fuck you!

Iggins!: Besides, college basketball is only the bastard stepchild of college football, and you haven't beat us since 2000.

Code Red: No! College basketball is the best collegiate sport!

Well folks, we all know for a fact that college basketball is in fact, inferior to college football. Please, Illinois, win this game and let me for once embrace college football and have something, anything to crush Iggins! with.

(and yes, I did refer to Kirk Ferentz as "milquetoast". But its true! I imagine a conversation between Coach Zook and Coach Ferentz being something like this...

Zook: Hey, Coach Ferentz! How the hell are you?!

Ferentz: Oh, I'm good. Took the wife to Red Lobster last night, had the uh, garlic shrimp scampi. It was...it was nice, you know, not too expensive, nothing fancy. Just a good meal.


Zook: That's fantastic! Red Lobster RAWKS! I go there all the time when I'm trying to recruit some blue chippers! Surf 'n' Turf gets the Zookster PUMPED!

Ferentz: Yeah, it's one of the wife's favorites. Like to take her there on special occassions. How are you feeling with the big season and all, looks like a good team you've got.

Zook: Could not be more EXCITED! Everything's getting BETTER and BETTER! (Bashes head into wall four times, runs off screaming).

Ferentz: What an interesting young man. )

Reasons for Optimism

The best place to go for any news regarding your favorite NFL team is their own website of course. The incredibly positive spin put on information from these websites is sometimes deserving of the commendation of former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf for its complete and utter denial of the realities surrounding it.


There are No American troops in Baghdad! None! and Cedric Benson is proving extremely worthy of the #4 pick in the draft!

The following are actual excerpts from an article on the Bears wesbite:

From the article cleverly titled "Bears Stick it to Packers by Sticking With Run Game"

“The biggest thing for us is we ran the football better,” Griese said. “That’s the key to winning in this league, is being able to run the football.” -Complete bullshit? You bet your ass. But acceptable in the context of an article on the Bears website if not for the incredibly contradictory information in the following paragraph..

"While Benson averaged just 2.4 yards per carry..."- Benson's yard per carry average in the last three games before the Green Bay game? 4.2, 2.9, 3.3 . BUT WE RAN THE BALL BETTER! Why you ask?

"Achieving balance on offense, Cedric Benson rushed for 64 yards on a career-high 27 carries, while Brian Griese threw 25 passes one week after tossing 52 in a loss to the Detroit Lions."- So we ran it better by carrying it more. Yes, despite running it with less actual success than we did in the past four games, we ran it more. So that means 27 completely unproductive plays, as opposed to 15. Smells like...victory.


It's fine, it's fine. Everything is fine. We are running the ball with authority! Pound the rock!

Aw Shucks, I love Football.

(Favre throws 7 yard slant under coverage to Driver. 10 yard run after pass.)

Shucks. I love football. All night long, just me and my rocket arm throwin them slant routes. I must seriously be the best quarterback ever to play the game.

John Madden: Look at the way Brett Favre rockets in the pass. He throws that five yard slant route better than any quarterback in the history of the game.

(Fave throws 6 yard out route to James Jones, 5 yard run after catch)

I mean really, the Bears can't stop me. Golly, ain't no team in the NFL can stop this powerhouse train of quick slants and out routes underneath the coverage. Shoot, I'm so dang happy I didn't retire. I'm showin the world that Ol' Brett's still got it, and by it of course I mean the ability to throw 5 yard slants. But damnit, I sure throw em purty.

(Favre throws 6 yard slant pass under coverage. Pumps fist energetically)

John Madden: Now, now, Brett Favre, he throws that slant pass prettier than any others in the game. Did I mention that Brett, he, Loves the game? You gotta love a guy that loves the game. Because if you don't love football, than your just playing it. But Brett doesn't play football, he loves it, and that makes him a great lover of the game.

I mean golly, what a great game to play. What a great use of my abilities. My resurgence is instoppable. Unstoppable? Shucks, who the hell cares?

(Second half. Bears switch to Cover 2, move safety up to stop slant route underneath. Pressure comes, Favre rolls right, panics, throws ball straight to Brian Urlacher. Pass intercepted)

Madden: Well, Brett made that pass because he loves the game. He loves it so much that he made something out of nothing. Sometimes you have to gamble....and get picked off by a linebacker four yards away. Man, look at the love of the game.

Oh dad gummit. Why the hell did they do that? What's that safety doin there? Shit. Well now what the hell do we do. S'pose I'll ask Coach McCarthy.

Coach McCarthy: Brett, they took away the underneath passes. We're fucked. That's all we've run now for the year and a half I've been here. Hell, it's all I ran in San Fransisco. Just, christ, just uh, run the ball every down from now on. How and when we do pass, just, just keep trying to throw the slant. I mean, they took it away, but, well hell. What do we do now Brett?

Dangit coach, I dunno. Golly I shoulda retired.

Coach McCarthy: Just get back out there and hand the ball off. God we're fucked.

(Run, Run, Run, Punt)

Dangit.

(Next possession: Run, Run, Incomplete Slant, Punt)

Dangit.

(Bears score to go up 27-20)

Dangit

(Next Green Bay possession. Bears play off the corners to prevent deep pass)

WAIT A MINUTE! YES! I GOT THE SLANT BACK!

(Slant pass to Driver. 8 yard gain. Slant pass to Donald Lee. 8 yard gain. Slant pass to Donald Lee. 8 yard gain. Incomplete slant. Slant pass to James Jones. 8 yard gain. Dump off pass to Vernand Morency. 9 yard gain. Incomplete Slant.)

Coach McCarthy: Brett, we're gonna have to throw it deep. We've got one last play. God, we're fucked.

Dang it. No, wait. I'm Brett dog gone Favre. I'm the gunslinger. I used to live for this. I can make this pass. Screw them dang slants. I am the warrior!

John Madden: And this is what Brett Favre lives for. He's the gunslinger. This is his time to make a play.

All up to you now, Brett. Be the hero!

(Favre winds up. Chucks the ball long into the end zone. Intercepted.)

Dangit.

The Bears, and what must be done.

Before I start, yes, I am aware we won last night. But we still sucked on several levels. Honestly, a lot needs to be done here. The following is a list of players who will be left out of this rant:

Brian Urlacher
Charles Tillman
Mark Anderson
Tommie Harris
Brandon McGowan
Ricky Manning Jr.
Mark Bradley
Devin Hester
Greg Olsen
Desmond Clark
Jerry Angelo
Brendan Ayanbadejo (There is not a better special teamer in the NFL)
Vince Young

The rest of you? Listen up, assholes.



First, what the fuck, Griese? Yeah you had a "good" game last night. At least that's what ESPN says. Don't listen to 'em. Every time we had a third down and eight (which was a whole fuckin lot) you threw a three yard out route. Thanks, Brian, that's exactly what we needed. The one situation in which Ron Turner gave you a play with receivers downfield, and you throw it to the one three yards away. And don't tell me they weren't open. We put Bradley, Hester, and Olsen in the game from the second quarter on and every third down they were open, asshole.



That brings me to Ron Turner. run, run, run, punt, run, screen, 3 yard out, run, run, packer penalty, run, run, play action. If I wanted John Shoop I'd have... aw fuck it, Ron, what the hell?! If you put Hester, Bradley, and Olsen in the game, USE THEM. Don't build your whole fuckin offense around your WORST PLAYER. which brings me to...



So yeah, Cedric Benson can't A) Run the ball, B) Block, or C) Catch. So basically he's absolutely fucking worthless. His name shall not be uttered again. From now on he shall only be called Curtis Enis: The 2econd Coming. Let's not waste breath on him and instead waste it on...

Muhsin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian. Thank god you two were benched because neither of you seems to remember how to play the damn game. Muhsin is way too damn old and he's slow as shit. Berrian couldn't catch a goddamn cold if he was in a room, naked, and if the room was filled with twenty sick badgers. Hell, they might get better chances, though, if the goddamned...

Offensive line blocked ANYBODY. Well, they do show up about half the time, which is why I know Griese, Berrian, Benson, and Ron Turner are all worthless. The other half it's almost like they don't fuckin exist. They must like the most classic of all Bear's plays, the dropbackandgetsacked, because they sure call it a lot.



Oh, and how about you, Danieal Manning? You lost your safety job because McGowan kicks your ass, and you're at most the fifth best corner on the team and that is REALLY pushing it. Thank you for getting burned within ONE SECOND of the snap against Greg Jennings. He's not that fast, asshole.



And let's wrap this up by blaming Lovie Smith for everything. You started Griese, you let Ron Turner call those damned plays, you start Muhsin and Berrian, you let the line play like shit, and YOU refuse to stop playing that damn cover two when it's obvious EVERYONE KNOWS that all you have to do to beat it is to throw quick slants and five yard in routes.

So that's who I'm blaming, that's who IS to blame, and that's who shouldn't be here next year. So what would I do to fix it, you ask? Well here you go, the Bears starting lineup as it should look in 2008:

QB: Kyle Orton, backup: Colt Brennan
RB: Steve Slaton/Rashard Mendenhall
FB: Jason McKie
WR1: Mark Bradley
WR2: Rashied Davis
WR3: Devin Hester
TE: Greg Olsen
O-Line: DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT

DE1: Mark Anderson
DE2: Adewale Ogunleye
DT1: Tommie Harris
DT2: Darwin Walker
ROLB: Jamar Williams
MLB: Who do you think?
LOLB: Brendan Ayanbadejo
CB1: Charles Tillman
CB2: Ricky Manning Jr.
FS: Brandon McGowan
SS: Adam Archuletta

Offensive Coordinator: Mike Leach

You'll notice, Bears fans, that everything but the running back position can be remedied nowish. So... get to that, assholes.

Iggins! Power Rankings, NFL, post-week 5

A few college opinions before we begin here...

-Iowa sucks. Actually, that's not entirely true. Their coach, quarterback, and secondary are the worst in the league NAY, the NCAA. The defense, line, rbs, and DJK are good. But seriously, we're going 2-10.

-Cincinnati will win the Big East, this is the truth. But USF is still a decent team, maybe (certainly) not the number 5 team, but still good.

-The SEC champion will have at least one conference loss and possibly two. Kentucky WILL beat LSU this weekend, that is undeniable truth, my friends. Taste it. It is delicous.

-Also, Illinois is the best team in the Big Ten. Really, they have no competition. And I'm going to be at the Illinois at Iowa game this Saturday. Christ save me.

-On to the NFL...

Power Rankings, week 5:

No movement here, much like their offenses:
32) Miami Dolphins
31) St. Louis Rams (ARGH! I'M GON BANG MY HEAD INTO A WALL!! OUCH!!!)
30) New Orleans Saints (Catch a pass? Why the fuck would we do that?)

Really, genuinely awful, but at least they got ONE win:
29) Atlanta Falcons
28) New York Jets
27) Kansas City Chiefs
26) Buffalo Bills
25) Minnesota Vikings

FUCK Cinicinnati:
24) Cincinnati Bengals (Cincinnati is the most racist town in America. Chad Johnson has never done anything but blame himself for his team's losses, which he did last week, yet now he's a "cancer"? Ocho Cinco has never hurt his team, not once, but apparently he's a cancer because he's 1) Black 2) A wide receiver who talks and 3) Yelling at his invalid quarterback. Fuck Cincinnati (the town))

Overrated! clap clap clapclapclap:
23) Denver Broncos
22) San Francisco 49ers
21) Philadelphia Eagles
20) Baltimore Ravens

Mediocrity is still just as tasty:
19) Cleveland Browns (Can't drop em too far, it was the Pats)
18) Carolina Panthers (And now they get Carr for the rest of the year? They're on the way down...)
17) Detroit Lions (And God said BACK TO EARTH WITH YE, and so they went)

This is so strange it's hard to type...
16) Oakland Raiders (all alone at the top of the West!)
15) Arizona Cardinals
14) Houston Texans

On the upswing (order is restored?)
13) Chicago Bears (much more on this later)
12) San Diego Chargers

Steadily getting better:
11) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
10) Jacksonville Jaguars
9) Washington Redskins
8) New York Giants

These guys will drop further next week...
7) Seattle Seahawks
6) Green Bay Packers

Damn fine:
5) Pittsburgh Steelers
4) Tennessee Titans (Yes he threw 3 picks. But he won. He's a winner and so are the Titans.)

Still unbeaten:
3) Indianapolis Colts
2) Dallas Cowboys

Still Satan:
1) New England Patriots

College Football Roundup and Code Red Rankings 10/07/07

Results of Top 25 Games..
LSU 28, Florida 24
LSU beats Florida in a game that was closer than I thought it would be. Florida now has two conferences losses, making the remainder of its schedule all must wins in order to give them a shot at making it back to the SEC title game for what would most likely be a rematch against LSU. Can Florida do it? Will the Gators find a pass defense? Can I actually give in depth analysis of Florida beyond simply chanting TEBOW? The answer to all three questions is probably no.

Stanford 24, USC 23
Oh fucking come on. But really, I mean seriously. Stanford? Jim Harbaugh, you are a God. I'm sorry that my first ever use of the word shit was as a 5 year old Bears fan describing your play.

Ohio State 23, Purdue 7
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What's that? Purdue is capable of only beating enough bad-to-mediocre teams to become second-tier bowl eligible? Ohio State wins in an efficient and boring manner? SHOCKING!

South Florida 35, Florida Atlantic 23
I'm still not down with this whole South Florida in the top ten thing. I don't suppose a win over Florida Atlantic counts for all that much, but sadly enough they clearly have become the class of the Big East. So, kudos.

Boston College 55, Bowling Green 24
I am wary of Boston College as well, but that may simply be a result of the general malaise caused by discussing anything related to ACC football, which continues to prove week in and week out, its just not worth a damn. It may also be that I sometimes find myself thinking that they're still coached by Tom O'Brien. But a few more victories like this and a few less showings like a sluggish 24-14 performance against Massachussetts, and I'll begin to show lukewarm enthusiasm towards this team's potential.

South Carolina 38, Kentucky 23
At this point we of Start Kyle Orton find ourselves confused about our feelings regarding this game. On the one hand, we love Steve Spurrier like he's that bastard father that never paid child support and really was rarely there for us except for a few flashy memories from our early years, but that we always hope will one day embrace us, on the other hand, this clearly dents our cause of Andre Woodson for Heisman. So we'll just label this a push.

Oklahoma 28, Texas 21
Anyone still really believe Colt McCoy is college football's next great quarterback? This game was a must-win for both teams, really, and Oklahoma came out on top, spearheading their charge toward a Big 12 South title that will have no effect on the national title race. Woo.

Tennessee 35, Georgia 14
Tennessee continues to show the maddening inconsistency of the last several years of the Fulmer era by coming out of nowhere to lay a pounding on a Georgia team, that, admittedly seemed a bit overrated. But, wow, look at the depth of the SEC! It's so shiny!

West Virginia 55, Syracause 14
West Virginia ANGRY! WEST VIRGINIA GRR!!!! WEST VIRGINIA WANT REMATCH SOUTH FLORIDA!!!

Virginia Tech 41, Clemson 22
Clemson, the Michigan State of the ACC, loses its second consecutive game, getting the ball rolling on their yearly second half decline and apperance in the Emerald Meineke MPC Hawaii Bowl.

Hawaii 52, Utah St. 37
Colt Brennan's already flagging Heisman campaign has most likely sunk into the depths of the Pacific with his second straight game of subpar numbers sandwiched around a missed start due to injury. Iggins! fully intends to console him with shirtless hugs deep into the night during the Heisman ceremony later in the year.

Missouri 41, Nebraska 6
Missouri might be a good team. Nebraska is not. Suck it, Bill Callahan.

Arizona State 23, Washington State 20
I'm getting tired of recapping games I clearly did not watch. I mean, I saw this game on Comcast, and I was like, oh, mid-tier Pac 10 football! Then I made a sandwich and watched a rerun of Chappelle's show that I've probably seen 14 times.

Cinncinnati 28, Rutgers 23
The million dollar question: would I prefer a Cinncinnati Big East Championship over a South Florida one? Yeah, probably. Because, well, before the season and throughout it I've adamantly declared South Florida overrrated. I've never really said a damn thing about Cinncinnati, so I suppose that would make me look less like a fool.

Kansas 30, Kansas State 24
The Mangino is pleased. For the second straight year Kansas State follows an upset win over Texas with a deflating loss to instate rival Kansas. Kansas is now 5-0 with four cupcake wins and this mildly impressive one. Stay tuned.

And....

ILLINOIS 31, Wisconsin 26
ILL INI! ILL INI! Illinois proves that like its intrepid coach its clearly been drinking its Powerthirst by upsetting #5 Wisconsin in Champaign. Some will argue that win isn't that impressive, as Wisconsin should not have been ranked as high as 5 to begin with. I argue that IT'S ENERGY FOR MEN! MENERGY!



Big Ten Unranked

Northwestern 48, Michigan State 41
Is anyone at all surprised that Michigan State followed its first loss of the year with another loss to a vastly inferior opponent? You, in the back? Yes, you. You say you were surprised? Well, you, my friend deserved to be raped.

Indiana 40, Minnesota 20
Indiana makes the surprising move to 5-1, with their only loss being to Team Power Thirst, surprising many, Minnesota continues to suck, surprising none.

Michigan 33, Eastern Michigan 22
An unimpressive win by Michigan over a mediocre MAC team. Michigan prolongs for another week my irrational fear of their possible Big Ten title run.

Penn State 27, OH LOOK! ANOTHER BOOTLEG 7
No comment. Iggins! has had enough for now

Code Red Rankings

1. LSU
2. Cal
3. Ohio State
4. Boston College*
5. South Florida*
6. South Carolina
7. West Virginia
8. Oklahoma
9. Oregon
10. Missouri (ranked here to satisfy Iggins! "but they beat Illinois!" bitching)
11. Florida
12. USC HAHAHA HAHAHA
13. Kentucky
14. Illinois
15. Virginia Tech
16. Cinncinnati
17. Hawaii
18. Arizona State
19. Kansas
20. Wisconsin
21. Auburn
22. Indiana
23. Texas
24. Tennessee
25. Florida State

*-Denotes my refusal to rank teams with loss over unbeaten teams from "big" conferences. I really am not convinced South Florida or BC are top ten teams.

Apocalypse Lou

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

Hotel Room, Chicago, Illinois. Clothes and garbage strewn
haphazardly all over the floor. Broken bottle of cheap vodka
spills onto the floor. Code Red Sits up.
He clearly hasn't shaved for days.

Code Red: 
Chicago, shit. I'm still only in Chicago.
Every time I think I'm going to wake up back at school.
When I was home after the playoffs in 2003,
it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing...
I hardly said a word to my friends until the next
season opener. When I was here I wanted to be there.
When I was there, all I could think of was
getting back into the playoffs.
I've been here a week now. Waiting for a victory,
getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room I get
weaker. And every minute the Diamondbacks were on the
field  they got stronger. Each time I look around the
walls move in
a little tighter.

Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted the playoffs,
and for my sins they gave me one series..
Brought it up to me like room service..
and died like the dogs they were.

*knock on the door*
Voices outside: Code Red? Sir, are you the blogger Code Red?

Code Red: Whaddya want?

Voices outside: Sir, we have orders to escort you to Wrigley
Field.

Code Red: Why? What did I do to have to go back there??

Door opens, Cubs intern walks in.

Intern: Nothing you did sir, but the Cubs gave you a token
playoff appearance. They need you to do something for them now.

Cut to: Wrigley Field, Office of the General Manager

Code Red enters room. Sitting behind desk is Jim Hendry,
Cubs general manager, frantically swallowing donuts whole.

Code Red: You..wanted to see me, sir?

Jim (talking with food stuffed in mouth): Yesh, we neesh you
to do shomething.

Code Red: I am ready for duty, sir.

Jim: Are you aware of a Mr. Lou Piniella?

Code Red: Yes sir, I think we all are.
Jim (to an intern): Play the tape, Scott. Listen carefully

Tape: 0230 Hours, Chicago, Following Cubs Loss to Diamondbacks
in Game 3 of the NLDS

Jim: The voice on the recording has been confirmed to be Lou's.

Lou (on tape): I uh uh watched a uh uh Mark DeRosa uh you
know ground into a double play on a 3-1 count with
the uh bases uh loaded. That is my uh, you know, nightmare.
To be so close..and to ground out..

Jim: He had the following to say about our team and its fans..

Lou (on tape):
We must uh kill them. We must uh uh incinerate them.
Old Style drinker after uh Old Style drinker,
It's Gonna Happen t-shirt after It's Gonna Happen t-shirt,
bar after uh bar,
strike out after strike out.
And they call me an asshole?
What do you call it when the assholes accuse
the uh asshole ? They lie..
they uh lie and we have to be merciful
for those who lie. Those nabobs. I uh hate them. How I hate
them.

Jim: We have reason to believe Lous has gone completely insane
(stuffs donut into mouth, gulps it down).
We need you to..terminate his skippership (guzzles chocolate
sauce).

Code Red: Terminate...the skip?

Jim: Terminate with extreme prejudice (intern brings goat into
office, Jim breaks neck open, drinks its blood, swallows its
head whole).

Cut to: Streets of Wrigleyville. Code Red searches the streets
for Lou. Is surrounded by angry Cub fans.

Code Red: Iggins!?

Iggins!: Why, man, why can't he just, you know, not swing at
that damn curveball outside the zone man?

Code Red: What..are you talking about? Why are these people
glaring at me?

Iggins!: Ramirez! The fucking fuck! Oh..and they think, man
they think you're here to take him.

Code Red: Take who?

Iggins!: Sweet Lou, man! These are all his fans, man!
Fuck Dusty Baker!

Code Red: Could, I talk to Sweet Lou?

Iggins!: Hey, man, you don't TALK to the skipper.
You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind!
He's a player manager in the classic sense.
I mean sometimes you'll say hello to him and
he'll say "get me tequila, damnit!"
And then you'll walk by him and he'll grab you by the arm
and say "did you know Jacque Jones is a fucking Jackass?!"
He..I'm a small man, man, but he, he's a great man..

Code Red shakes head and walks past him. He weaves
through the crowd to make his way into a delapidated apartment
building. He is ambushed by Cubs fans covered in
blue body paint, knocked out, and taken upstairs.

A few hours later..
Code Red awakens in a dingy room. Lou sits, nearly naked,
on a bar stool, hookers are passed out all around him.

Lou: Where are you from, uh, Code Red?

Code Red: Illinois, sir.

Lou: Where uh, whereabouts?

Code Red: The Quad Cities, sir.

Lou: How far are you from the uh, river?

Code Red: The Mississippi, sir? About 20 minutes.

Lou: I went to that, uh, river, when I was in the minors.
Played in their, uh, stadium. It was uh, beautiful.
Did they say uh, why, uh,
they wanted you to..terminate my uh, management?

Code Red: They say you've gone insane, that your
management is unsound.

Lou: Is my uh management unsound?

Code Red: I see no management...only Thai hookers..
and cheap whiskey.

Lou: Are you a Cubs fan?

Code Red: I'm a sports fan, sir.

Lou: You're, uh, neither. You're a sheep used by
marketing executives to pay a bill.

Hours Later..
Code Red is locked in the basement. Iggins! enters.

Iggins!: Why, would a nice guy like you, want to kill
the skipper?! You know he likes you, the man really likes
you. He's got somethin in mind for you.
After this is all over, what are they gonna say man?
That he was a nice skipper?
That he was a kind skipper?
That's bullshit man!
And who's gonna set em straight, man?
it ain't gonna be me. It's gonna be you.
(Iggins! leaves, fumbles through his
pocket, accidentally drops basement door key).

Code Red: That guy really needs to get laid.(grabs key,
unlocks basement door, creeps upstairs into Lou's room.)

Lou (talking to ESPN on phone): I've seen, uh, horrors.
Horrors that you've seen! But you uh, you have no right to
judge me. To call me a bad manager..
(turns, sees Code Red holding baseball bat he's picked up
off floor, chugs an entire fifth of whiskey in one gulp.
Nods approval to Code Red)

Code Red whallops Lou several times across the head,
Lou collapses on the floor.

Lou: The uh, horror, the horror...
Fuck Jacque Jones...(rolls over, dies)

Code Red drops bat, walks out into street. Sees Iggins!
Points him to the Thai hookers Lou has left alone.
Iggins! walks away with them.

The End

START KYLE ORTON! BOLD PREDICTIONS! UNNECESSARY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Code Red: Well hello folks, we're going to start a new Friday tradition here on Start Kyle Orton, each Friday myself, Iggins!, and a selected celebrity guest will give you our best bets on the slate of college and NFL games this weekend. We will choose our NFL team guaranteed to win, or NFL guaranteed to lose, the winner of the biggest college football game of the week, and one player who will no doubt be our NFL Fantasy Pimp of the Week. Iggins! will start the round today, followed by our celebrity guest, Master Chief, of HALO fame.


Thanks for joining us Master Chief

Master Chief: Like I give a fuck, you internet loving faggot.

Code Red: And alienating your fan base already, fantastic. Now, Iggins!, on to your picks.

Iggins!: I forgot what a team that wins looks like. But I think my boy Vince Young remembers pretty well. The Falcons can’t win, and Vince Young can’t lose. It’s like… easy, isn’t it? My team guaranteed to win is Dallas at Buffalo, also, in related news, I AM FUCKIN CRAZY. My fantasy player to pick this week is Randy Moss, and get used to that, cuz he’ll be there for awhile. I’m taking Florida over LSU 35-24, the werewolf loses his dick.

Master Chief: Fuck this. I save the planet, end the war, destroy the flood and “die”, but really I’m floating around in half a spaceship somewhere and I come back to a the Bears, Chargers, and Saints all sucking more tha-

Iggins!: Whoah! Fuckin spoiler alert, man!

Master Chief: -n the Gravemind? Who I kill.

Iggins!: Dude, fuckin spoiler alert again, asshole!

Master Chief: Fuck you, cum dumpster. Anyway, I’ve saved your asses more times than I can count, and I’m gonna do it again. Gimme my gun. I’m gonna make picks based on who I wanna stick with a plasma grenade most… guaranteed to lose is… Joey Harrington. Douchebag should die, so he’ll lose. Guaranteed to win… Tony Romo. If I fragged him I’d get to shack up with Carrie Underwood. That’s a gimme. Speaking of fragging, a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick is damned awesome in my eyes. And my eyes have seen a lot of people explode, get maimed, or otherwise die in a humorous and/or incredible fashion you pussy. LSU wins 45-12. And my fantasy pick is Tom Brady. I got a grenade for each one of that fucker’s knees.

Master Chief Would Like Some

Code Red: Well thats insightful, and absolutely terrifying, analysis. Thank you both. As for myself I'm going to guarantee that Cleveland loses at New England, though thats not really even like shooting fish in a barrel, more like paralyzing said fish with a roofie/GHB/Frank Solich cocktail and wedging them into a milk jug and just dynamiting the damn thing. I'm gonna agree with Iggins!, and my guaranteed win is Tennessee over Atlanta. My fantasy pimp of the week is Brett Favre against our emaciated Bears pass defense (negative prediction equal karma boost for upset win? please?) As for Florida-LSU, I'm gonna go with the Tigers/Werewolves/it's a pelican, its a phoenix, nay a penix! over the Gators 34-24. That's all for now, I suppose, and for those of you wondering why our Friday post isn't posted until its damn near Saturday, some of us have midterms, and fuck you. Have a nice day. Oh and thank you once more for joining us, Master Chief.

Master Chief: Yeah. Woo. Merry fucking Christmas.

Well....

FUCK

Lil Wayne is unhappy

Well shit, if ya'll been keepin sco you know i went 1 n 2 yesterday, plus I hate dem Red Sox so mentally I went 0 fuh 3. And that aint how Weezy does things, baby. 3-0 today mutha fuckas.

Colorado Rockies @ Philadelphia Phillies, 2:00 ct on TBS

Shit, Philly in da playoffs for the first time since the stone age an them mufuckas cant win a damn game against a bunch of crackas what live way tha fuck up in da atmosphere? Shit, all I need's my homies an a bitch to get me pumped, and y'all mfuckas have a stadium uh towel wavin, pissed off Philadelphians an u can't? Still, I'm stickin wit my guns here, an I got a lot of em. Phillies win today and tie the series mainly because Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins DON'T go a combined 0-7 with 4 Ks. Man who da fuck am I kiddin? I aint gon watch this shit. I'll be waitin for...

New York Yankees @ Cleveland Indians, 5:30 ct on TBS

Dis shit iz interestin to me cuz I wanna see them asshos up in NY jump all ova A-Rod when da Yankees lose. New Yorkers are some trippin ass muthafuckas. Guy has a career year for A-ROD which is a career year for evrybody else too, but if he go 0-4 you know dem jackasses in NYC are gonna blame dis shit on A-Rod when it's all my boy C.C. Sabbathia's fault. Yeah, CC throws a 4 or 5 hitter, A-Rod goes 0-4, Yankees lose, shit jumps OFF.

Chicago Cubs @ Arizona Diamondbacks, 9:00 ct on TBS

Shit I fuhgot to factor in da whole Brandon Webb thang last pick. That mufucka can pitch a ball almost as well as I pitch weight, but not quite. That shit changes tonight cuz Doug Davis aint no goddamn good n my boy Ted Lilly's been rollin so I figure Cubs win dis one 6-3 an tie it up befo headin back to Wrigley. Shit if I don't have a winnin record today I'm gon kill somethin. I'm lookin atchu, Nas, you bitch nigga. Peace.

Awww Fucknuggets.

Well, here's to Ted Lilly tomorrow night. Let's go Cubs, backs are against the wall like they have been all season. Time to buckle down.

...and thank god I've got my old friend handy tonight

Cubs Playoff Preview! Yes, Just Typing That is Orgasmic!

Well, as Little Wayne, our negro friend with his curious pronunciation, ha ha ha, has pointed out, it's time for baseball's playoffs. Now now, I'm most certainly not "dissing" on Tiny Wayne, I'm certainly "down" with what's "groovy". But anywho, we move on to a preview of the Cubs playoff roster and their chances this October.

Starting Pitchers-

Carlos Zambrano, 18-13 3.95 ERA
After what was easily the most turbulent season of his sometime's outrageous career, Carlos can still look at his record and count himself among the best pitchers in the major leagues. The playoffs, however, are a whole different beast and this is Carlos' chance, once and for all to prove that he can control his emotions and pitch when it most counts, and if his last two regular season starts with the division on the line are any indication, I look to see Big Z come out guns blazing in this one. (Note: If Carlos should have one, or god forbid two, terrible starts, run. Run away as far and as fast as you can. He will not be satisfied until he has slaked his thirst for blood. If you cannot escape, find a way to insert Michael Barett between yourself and Carlos and hope that after devouring him, he takes a power nap and you can slip away in the darkness)

Ted Lilly, 15-8 3.83 ERA
Ted has been without a doubt the Cubs most reliable and consistent pitcher this year. Very rarely did he have a bad start two times in a row. I think the Zambrano-Lilly one-two punch may be the best in Cubs postseason history, including the 2003 Wood-Prior rotation. There's a very solid chance these two could combine to end this series in 4 games or less.

Rich Hill, 11-8 3.92 ERA
I once described Rich Hill as "having the competitive fire of lime jello". I stand by this statement, but found that when his curveball is working, opponents feel like they are trying to hit lime jello.It must have without a doubt been a very difficult decision for Lou to choose between Marquis and Hill as the 3rd starter for this series. I personally think he made the right choice. If Rich has his curveball working, then he pretty much completely neutralizes the Diamondbacks lefthanded hitters and can be as effective a starter as Zambrano or Lilly. The important thing, however, is for Lou to determine very early on in the game if Rich has his stuff, for if he doesn't, it immediately becomes batting practice for the Diamondbacks. With Marquis in reserve ready to step in quickly, Lou needs to be sure to have the quck hook with Rich.

Bullpen
Ryan Dempster, 2-7 4.73 ERA (Holy Fuck), 28/31 Saves/Opportunities
Alright, alright, say what you will about Ryan Dempster. We've all wanted to kill him at multiple points during the last two years. I believe after he gave up five runs in the 9th to lose to the Mets a few months ago I referred to him as "buttfuckingredassedclownmotherfuckingdempster". The simple fact is, however, the guy is 28 of 31 in save opportunities. So as long as Lou remembers this and doesn't put him into a tie game or a game the Cubs trail by one run, we stand a good chance of finishing these things. But if he blows one, ONE save in the postseason, I will personally lead you all in an angry mob to mutilate and kill him, and leave his head on a pike for all future closers to see.

Bob Howry, 6-7 3.32 ERA, 8/12 Saves/Opportunities
Bob has been the most consistently reliable member of the Cubs bullpen the past two years. Much of the pressure situations that he was once expected to handle have now been handed to Carlos Marmol, who has far more electric stuff, but if you need the full inning, if you need someone to get it to your closer, be he Dempster or Marmol, Bob is your guy.

Carlos "The Balls" Marmol, 5-1 1.43 ERA, 1/2 Saves/Opportunities
I'm just gonna say it. This kid fucking rocks. It always seems that the teams that always go on the hot run in the playoffs and end up the champions, have that one rookie phenom bullpen pitcher. The Angels a few years back had K-Rod, the White Sox had Jenks, the Cardinals had Wainwright, the Cubs have Marmol. I think he'll be key in this October, and I don't think he'll disappoint.

Michael Wuertz, 2-3 3.48 ERA.
Wuertz has never in his career seemed to be anything more than mediocre, his roles in the bullpen have shifted from long man to set up man to righty specialist, and now he tends to be the first guy out of the pen for Lou. While he's not the one I want on the mound with the bases loaded and Ryan Howard at the plate (I'm not predicting a Cubs-Phillies LCS, you superstitious fuckwads, but there's no more intimidating NL hitter in the playoffs this year), Wuertz will get some necessary outs this postseason.

Kevin Hart, 0-0 0.82 ERA
Hart was a September call-up and the Cubs minor league pitcher of the year, and pitched extremely well and earned himself a spot on the playoff roster. I think like Marmol he could turn out to be an unexpected hero for this bullpen if given the opportunity, and I think once we get rid of Dempster's ass we'll have two solid choices for a long term closer.

Scott Eyre, 2-1 4.13 ERA
Scott had a terrible first half. I mean god fucking awful. I mean 6.60 ERA awful. He has somehow rebounded with a 0.81 ERA second half, and yet I still find myself not trusting him. At all. Prove me wrong Scott, prove me wrong.

Jason Marquis, 12-8 4.60 ERA
I have, admittedly, never been a huge fan of Jason's. I called the 3 year, 21 million deal the Cubs gave him "the biggest fucking mistake this franchise could make, Jason fucking Marquis?!", but Jason has had a better season than anticipated and made for a serviceable fourth starter. As mentioned before, I am pleased with the decision to go with Hill over Marquis, leaving Marquis as a possible long relief man. Please don't let that happen.

Kerry Wood, 1-1 3.33 ERA
I keep having one dream every night since the Cubs clinched the Central. Its the last game of the World Series at Wrigley field. the Cubs have a 3 run lead going into the top of the 9th, and feeling juust secure enough with that lead, Lou puts in Kerry instead of Dempster or Marmol. And for one inning we see the Kerry Wood we always wanted to see and always hoped was still in there. At the end of that inning I see Kerry standing triumphant, his hands in the air as the team he's sacrificed so much for mobs him on the mound, and I see all the disappointments and the pain he and Cub fans have been through in his career melt away. Please Do let that happen.

The Starters
Catcher- Geovany Soto, .389, 3 hrs, 8 rbi.
Lou surprised a lot of people by announcing Geovany would be the starter for game one, rather than the more experienced Jason Kendall. I personally applaud this movie as Soto has shown great game managing skills, a fantastic bat, and brings an energy to the catching position the Cubs haven't known in years. Good call, Lou, I think the kid will make it pay off.

1st Base- Derrek Lee, .317, 22hrs, 82 rbi.
After a slow first half power-wise, Derrek rebounded in the second half to hit 16 homers in the second half and over the last month or so has finally begun to look like the superstar of 2005. As much as Derrek denies it, I really do believe recovery from his wrist injury took longer than he thought it would, and once it finally did strengthen up he was able to turn with power on those inside pitches and crush them like he used to do. One thing that never wavered with Derrek is the fact that he is the undeniable leader of this team, and has consistently played with passion, class, and skill and I look forward to seeing him lead this team in the playoffs. I can only say that in comparison of this team with the previous two Cubs playoff teams, I feel a lot better with Derrek Lee as the leader than I did with Sammy Sosa.

2nd Base- Mark DeRosa, .293, 10 hrs, 72 rbi.
I was pretty damn sure I wasn't going to like Mark DeRosa. I was positive his 2006 season with the Rangers was a fluke and the Cubs would end up paying a guy 12 million to hit .260. But damn was I wrong. Mark has probably been one of the smartest free agent signings in Cub history. The man has played 1st, 2nd, 3rd, SS, and the outfield and has played like a natural at all of them, while providing consistently dependable offense all season. I don't think its a stretch to imagine Mark turning out to be a surprise MVP for the Cubs in this year's playoffs, as he just seems to be that kind of clutch player.

SS- Ryan Theriot, .266, 3 hrs, 45 rbi, 28 stolen bases.
Show me a Cub fan that doesn't like Ryan Theriot, and I will show you a man who needs a swift kick in the nuts. Were his numbers all that spectacular? No. But Ryan was, as anyone who watched the Cubs this year will tell you, responsible for starting damn near every Cubs rally of the season. The kid never quits, on anything from running out a routine groundout or chasing a pop up into th stands, he just plays the game the way it ought to played.

3B- Aramis Ramirez, .310, 26 hrs, 101 rbi.
Proving that a good manager can get the best out of his players, Aramis shed many of the labels that people had used to criticize his game in previous years this season. He hustled, he shored up his defense tremendously, enough that if he doesn't win the gold glove he got jobbed, hit in April and May, hit in the clutch, and played through the various injuries that probably would have kept him on the bench under Dusty Baker's watch. Get's my vote for team MVP this year, with the signature moment of the season up to this point undoubtedly being his walkoff homer against Milwaukee.

RF- Cliff Floyd, .284, 9hrs, 45 rbi.
Another smart signing by Jim Hendry, Cliff has been great as a starting outfielder when healthy and not forced to deal with the tragic event of the death of his father, and plays with what seems like real joy for his home town team. Its a shame that he lost his father after signing with the Cubs so he could be closer to home, but since then he has played with real purpose and drive, and hopefully he can make this even more of a storybook October for Chicago.

CF- Jacque Jones, .285, 5hrs, 66 rbi.
Jacque rebounded somewhat from a terrible first half to have a decent overall season, but yeah, I do still fucking hate Jacque Jones, unlike some gullible assfaces who contend we wouldn't be in the playoffs without him (yeah, I'm looking at you iggins!, put down his baseball card and pull your pants up). But, given that this is the playoffs and I'm trying to be optimistic, I'll give him a halfhearted gesture. His defense in centerfield isn't terrible (like his defense in rightfield is).

LF- Alfonso Soriano, .299, 33 hrs, 70 rbi.
A player who can be extremely frustrating from time to time when he swings from his ass on every single pitch, but also is most likely the most exciting player the Cubs have had since Sosa was still young and not a muscle-bound monstrosity. Nothing fires up this team more than an Alfonso leadoff homer, and hopefully we'll see plenty of those the next few weeks.

The Bench
C- Jason Kendall, .242, 3 hrs, 41 rbi.
I thought the trade for Kendall was a good trade at the time, and I still do. With the development of Soto, Kendall makes a perfectly reliable veteran backup catcher and should be invaluable during the playoffs.

1B/OF- Daryle Ward, .327, 3 hrs, 19 rbi
Its true that I mostly love Daryle Ward because he reminds me of all the happy memories of Randall Simon from the 2003 playoffs, but also because he's a damn good pinch hitter and a very likeable guy, possibly Lou's greatest weapon off the bench.

2B- Mike Fontenot, .278, 3 hrs, 29 rbi.
Has really cooled down since a very hot start after his call up in June, but remains a viable option off the bench as a pinch hitter/runner/defensive replacement. Like Theriot he plays with hustle and grit and should make one or two key plays for the team in the playoffs.

OF-Felix Pie, .215, 2 hrs, 15 rbi
He's not Corey Patterson, he's not Corey Patterson, he's not Corey Patterson.. Pie most likely won't be Lou's first, second, or third choice for a pinch hitter, but there's no denying he's the best defensive outfielder on the team and could be very key in the late innings of close games.

OF- Matt Murton, .281, 8 hrs, 22 rbi
After struggling in the first half and being sent down, Matt has played his tail off since his call up, hitting .310 in the second half, with some extremely clutch pinch hits. He will be the first option off the bench against lefties and will probably get a start at some point.

My Prediction- This team is solid from top to bottom, and is a better team than their 85 wins indicate. I'm not really ready to say World Series Champions, and there's no real reason to, but I can only say this team should go deep into the playofs, and if they don't, someone must pay.

Lil Wayne picks Day 1 of the LDSs

Yo, dis iz Lil Wayne, comin atcha from Louisiana, here ta pick dis crazy shit ya'll white ass mutha fuckas call baseball. Man, da base aint da ball, bitch. Shit, e'en I know dat.

Colorado Rockies @ Philadelphia Phillies, 2:00 CENTRAL on TBS

Yo, these rocky mountain mutha fuckas shouldnt even be here, I done seen that slide! That punk bitch Barrett cleeted happy Holiday right on da hand an he aint neva touch the plate. I guess thats irrella right now, but personally I think da Rockies have too many white mutha fuckas on dey team. Phillies gone win dis one and da series cuzza Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins. Speakin of rollin, let me go get dat weed...

L.A. Angels @ Boston Red Sox, 5:30 central on TBS

Damn, them mutha fuckas at TBS really like dis baseball shit. I looked up summuda stats in dis one an apparently da pitchers are good. Some dude who last name is Lackey has a 3.01 ERA... whatever da fuck dat means, dey tell me its good. Man I ain't got 3.01 of SHIT, I be rollin in everything baby, I got 20 cars, 20 million dollars, 20 bricks uh weed, 20 inch rims... all dem twunnies remind me that this Beckett guy got 20 of dem wins. So since Beckett be doin things in 20s I give dis one to da BoSox.

Chicago Cubs @ Arizona Diamondbacks, 9:00 central on TBS

Shit, why dis game start at 9? Fuckin west coast always be fuckin shit up, dats why I represent da south, bitch. My pops, da Birdman, he a big fan uh da Chi n so am I, so you know who I'm pickin in dis one. Cubs win by 20, bitch.............................. shit they tellin me that teams aint usually score dat high in baseball. Fuck, man, I gotsa go watch me some hoops or some football or somethin. Fine, trick, I'll take da Cubs to win by four, Zambrano pitches a shutout while I'm pitchin dis weight, cuz dats how it go down on da REAL.

Lovie Smith Vows to Get Greg Olsen and Devin Hester More Involved, Ten Year Old Bears Fan Comments "No Shit, That Mighta Been Useful Four Weeks Ago."

In Halas Hall today, Coach Lovie Smith, citing the offense's complete inability to do anything competently, remarked today that he would make it a point of emphasis to get 1st round draft pick TE Greg Olsen and return man extraordinare Devin Hester more involved in the offense. Lovie obviously has thought this through, as it took him FOUR WEEKS TO DECIDE TO USE A 6'6 TIGHT END THAT RUNS A 4.5 40 AND A GUY WHO'S SCORED MORE TDS THAN THE ENTIRE OFFENSE!!! 4th Grader Alex Hanson of Lincoln Elementary School, who admittedly is in the top of his class and got the smiley face sticker award in last week's spelling bee, had the following to say : "Well, it was a move I thought we should have made in week one, but at least Lovie's finally making the smart call." When asked for his take on the matter, recently benched Bears quarterback Rex Grossman replied: "Do you assholes get it now? Fuck you all. Fuck you, fuck you. He threw three fucking interceptions. TO DETROIT! Newsflash, even I didn't give one up to those mother fuckers! Christ!" We would have reminded him of our original question involving Greg Olsen and Devin Hester, but man, he just looked angry.

I mean seriously, fuck you Chicago.

Yes, we know.

We are aware that Lovie Smith has announced that Brian Griese will get the start against (IT BUUUURRRRRNNNSSSEESSSSS) 4-0, division leading Green Bay. Yes, we're pissed. Are you? More to come later, for now vent your anger in the comments thread below.

Open Letter to the Chicago Bears

In the second to last appearance of Da Superfans on Saturday Night Live, the sketch featured the group of them writing an angry letter to the Chicago Bears over the firing of Mike Ditka. In the spirit of that letter, we of Start Kyle Orton present the following open letter to the Chicago Bears, pleading for our neckbearded hero.

Chicago Bears,
October 1, 2007

Dear Chicago football team, whom we humbly address as Da Bears (both raise glasses in toast, even though the words are written, not spoken out loud), yesterday, Sunday, September 30, 2007, we witnessed an atrocity befall the ranks of Da Bears (glasses raised again). Upon benching the once promising Rex Grossman (both begin to weep uncontrollably, Code Red summons strength to continue writing), Coach Lovie Smith made the decision to start one Brian Griese (immediate look of disgust, both turn and spit on the floor). Now we loyal Bears fans have seen our fair share of miserable quarterbacks. We also seem to have taken on the burden of bearing Green Bay, Minnesota, San Fransisco, and Miami's fair share of miserable quarterbacks. At this point, however, with a team in desparation, searching for the wayward road back to the Superbowl, we feel that returning to a weak-armed, journeyman quarterback who bares the eternal shame of having earned Michigan a national title, is not in our best interests. Rex Grossman may have heaved the ball 40 yards downfield everytime, but at least in doing so he proved he could, and many of his interceptions served as 1st, 2nd, or 3rd down punts. Brian Griese, the supposedly safe veteran, managed to throw the ball more than 20 yards once, and managed to get intercepted 3 times. Now, Lovie we ask not that you turn back to Rex (Code Red begins sobbing, Iggins! pats him on the shoulder), but merely that you look to an old friend to lead us back to the promised land. Sir, Kyle Orton is not merely a man, but a 6'4 representation of all that the city of Chicago and the Chicago Bears stand for. He's tall, stout, covered in hair, prone to massive consumption of alcohol, and like the city itself once stood on the cusp of pure greatness (Super Bowl Champion, Heisman Trophy Winner), but because of injury and missteps fell short and was eclipsed by flashier alternatives closer to the coasts (New England, Matt Leinart). Kyle represents our last, great hope, Coach Smith. (Iggins! sneezes, snot lands on paper). You may notice the snot on this letter, oh great Coach. That snot is symbolic of the message you would be sending to your team and the whole of Bears fandom by starting Mr. Griese on Sunday against Green Bay. It would be slimy, messy, and the name itself evokes the image of something disgusting. Do the right thing, Coach Smith, start Kyle Orton.
Sincerely,
Concerned Fans.

Inside Lovie Smith's Office

(Lovie hits button on his desk phone)

Secretary: Yes, sir?

Lovie: You can send in Griese now.

Secretary: Yes sir.



Griese: Yes, sir?

Lovie: Sit down, son.

(Brian sits down)

Lovie: We have a problem here, Brian. You see, you suck.

Brian: I not good?

Lovie: No, son, you're terrible. See, you're a lot like that fire extinguisher at your high school. Remember that thing? It was made in the twenties? Hadn't worked for thirty years? It was basically just there to look good and make people think they were safe because nobody expected to ever have to use it. Y' understand?

Brian: I love bench.

Lovie: Well that's good, cuz you're gonna be on it for a while now Brian. We're starting Orton.

Brian: Bench good.

Lovie: Yes it is, son. Now go grab a clipboard and practice your signals.

(Brian leaves the room. Lovie calls his secretary again.)

Lovie: You can send in Ron, now.

Secretary: Yes, sir.



Ron Turner: Yeah, Lovie? Whaddya need?

Lovie: Please sit down.

(Ron sits down)

Lovie: Ron, I took a glance at your playbook last night, an-

Ron: Did you like it? I added a few more plays I think'll really help the offense.

Lovie: Ron, your entire playbook consists of out routes, TE posts, dives, and bubble screens to Hester.

Ron: Don't forget HB screens!

Lovie: See, Ron, that's the problem. If I wanted that playbook I'd be paying John Shoop. You're fired.

Ron: What? Who am I being replaced with?

Lovie: You can send him in, secretary.



Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach: WHOOOOO! THE FUCK'S UP?! LET'S GET SOME AIR RAID GOIN' IN THIS BITCH!

Lovie Smith: AIR RAID!

Mike Leach: AIR RAID!

Bernard Berrian, Rashied Davis, Mark Bradley: AIR RAID!

Kyle Orton: I'M DRUNK!... oh, and AIR RAID!

Iggins! Power Rankings

I'll leave college football rankings to the blogger whose college team has a winning record, however senile (He praised [NAME REDACTED]!) he might be. As for the NFL, I can handle that since both of us have a nuclear disaster for a team. A couple college notes first:

-Wisconsin looks eerily like the OSU championship team from 2002. Barely beating bad teams, barely beating good teams. Watch out for them.

-Speaking of nuclear disasters, 6 of the top 13 lose?! Kentucky is in the top ten?! USF is in the top ten?! what the hell happened here?

-On to the rankings

Ouch:
32) Miami Dolphins

WTF Happened here?"
31) St. Louis Rams
30) New Orleans Saints

Terrible, but not the Dolphins:
29) New York Jets
28) Buffalo Bills
27) Minnesota Vikings
26) Atlanta Falcons

Chernobyl:
25) Chicago Bears (Go Cubs?)
24) San Diego Chargers
23) Philadelphia Eagles

This won't last:
22) Oakland Raiders
21) Kansas City Chiefs
20) Arizona Cardinals
19) Cincinnati Bengals
18) Cleveland Browns


Mediocrity is delicious:
17) San Francisco 49ers
16) Carolina Panthers
15) Houston Texans (Just when we wanted to believe in Schaub...they give the soon to 1-15 Falcons their one.)
14) Jacksonville Jaguars
13) Washington Redskins
12) New York Giants
11) Denver Broncos (why are the Broncos overrated every year? There shouldn't be a Denver bias!)
10) Baltimore Ravens

AW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS:
9) Detroit Lions
8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Teams that are actually good:
7) Seattle Seahawks
6) Pittsburgh Steelers (Lost to Arizona? Really?)
5) Tennessee Titans

Contenders:
4) Green Bay Packers (It BURRRRRRNSES)
3) Indianapolis Colts
2) Dallas Cowboys (YEEEHAAAWWW I AM FUCKIN CRAZY)*

The Evil Empire:
1) New England Patriots

*kissmesuzy.blogspot.com