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Monday, October 8, 2007

The Bears, and what must be done.

Before I start, yes, I am aware we won last night. But we still sucked on several levels. Honestly, a lot needs to be done here. The following is a list of players who will be left out of this rant:

Brian Urlacher
Charles Tillman
Mark Anderson
Tommie Harris
Brandon McGowan
Ricky Manning Jr.
Mark Bradley
Devin Hester
Greg Olsen
Desmond Clark
Jerry Angelo
Brendan Ayanbadejo (There is not a better special teamer in the NFL)
Vince Young

The rest of you? Listen up, assholes.

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First, what the fuck, Griese? Yeah you had a "good" game last night. At least that's what ESPN says. Don't listen to 'em. Every time we had a third down and eight (which was a whole fuckin lot) you threw a three yard out route. Thanks, Brian, that's exactly what we needed. The one situation in which Ron Turner gave you a play with receivers downfield, and you throw it to the one three yards away. And don't tell me they weren't open. We put Bradley, Hester, and Olsen in the game from the second quarter on and every third down they were open, asshole.

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That brings me to Ron Turner. run, run, run, punt, run, screen, 3 yard out, run, run, packer penalty, run, run, play action. If I wanted John Shoop I'd have... aw fuck it, Ron, what the hell?! If you put Hester, Bradley, and Olsen in the game, USE THEM. Don't build your whole fuckin offense around your WORST PLAYER. which brings me to...

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So yeah, Cedric Benson can't A) Run the ball, B) Block, or C) Catch. So basically he's absolutely fucking worthless. His name shall not be uttered again. From now on he shall only be called Curtis Enis: The 2econd Coming. Let's not waste breath on him and instead waste it on...

Muhsin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian. Thank god you two were benched because neither of you seems to remember how to play the damn game. Muhsin is way too damn old and he's slow as shit. Berrian couldn't catch a goddamn cold if he was in a room, naked, and if the room was filled with twenty sick badgers. Hell, they might get better chances, though, if the goddamned...

Offensive line blocked ANYBODY. Well, they do show up about half the time, which is why I know Griese, Berrian, Benson, and Ron Turner are all worthless. The other half it's almost like they don't fuckin exist. They must like the most classic of all Bear's plays, the dropbackandgetsacked, because they sure call it a lot.

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Oh, and how about you, Danieal Manning? You lost your safety job because McGowan kicks your ass, and you're at most the fifth best corner on the team and that is REALLY pushing it. Thank you for getting burned within ONE SECOND of the snap against Greg Jennings. He's not that fast, asshole.

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And let's wrap this up by blaming Lovie Smith for everything. You started Griese, you let Ron Turner call those damned plays, you start Muhsin and Berrian, you let the line play like shit, and YOU refuse to stop playing that damn cover two when it's obvious EVERYONE KNOWS that all you have to do to beat it is to throw quick slants and five yard in routes.

So that's who I'm blaming, that's who IS to blame, and that's who shouldn't be here next year. So what would I do to fix it, you ask? Well here you go, the Bears starting lineup as it should look in 2008:

QB: Kyle Orton, backup: Colt Brennan
RB: Steve Slaton/Rashard Mendenhall
FB: Jason McKie
WR1: Mark Bradley
WR2: Rashied Davis
WR3: Devin Hester
TE: Greg Olsen

DE1: Mark Anderson
DE2: Adewale Ogunleye
DT1: Tommie Harris
DT2: Darwin Walker
ROLB: Jamar Williams
MLB: Who do you think?
LOLB: Brendan Ayanbadejo
CB1: Charles Tillman
CB2: Ricky Manning Jr.
FS: Brandon McGowan
SS: Adam Archuletta

Offensive Coordinator: Mike Leach

You'll notice, Bears fans, that everything but the running back position can be remedied nowish. So... get to that, assholes.

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