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Monday, October 1, 2007

Open Letter to the Chicago Bears

In the second to last appearance of Da Superfans on Saturday Night Live, the sketch featured the group of them writing an angry letter to the Chicago Bears over the firing of Mike Ditka. In the spirit of that letter, we of Start Kyle Orton present the following open letter to the Chicago Bears, pleading for our neckbearded hero.

Chicago Bears,
October 1, 2007

Dear Chicago football team, whom we humbly address as Da Bears (both raise glasses in toast, even though the words are written, not spoken out loud), yesterday, Sunday, September 30, 2007, we witnessed an atrocity befall the ranks of Da Bears (glasses raised again). Upon benching the once promising Rex Grossman (both begin to weep uncontrollably, Code Red summons strength to continue writing), Coach Lovie Smith made the decision to start one Brian Griese (immediate look of disgust, both turn and spit on the floor). Now we loyal Bears fans have seen our fair share of miserable quarterbacks. We also seem to have taken on the burden of bearing Green Bay, Minnesota, San Fransisco, and Miami's fair share of miserable quarterbacks. At this point, however, with a team in desparation, searching for the wayward road back to the Superbowl, we feel that returning to a weak-armed, journeyman quarterback who bares the eternal shame of having earned Michigan a national title, is not in our best interests. Rex Grossman may have heaved the ball 40 yards downfield everytime, but at least in doing so he proved he could, and many of his interceptions served as 1st, 2nd, or 3rd down punts. Brian Griese, the supposedly safe veteran, managed to throw the ball more than 20 yards once, and managed to get intercepted 3 times. Now, Lovie we ask not that you turn back to Rex (Code Red begins sobbing, Iggins! pats him on the shoulder), but merely that you look to an old friend to lead us back to the promised land. Sir, Kyle Orton is not merely a man, but a 6'4 representation of all that the city of Chicago and the Chicago Bears stand for. He's tall, stout, covered in hair, prone to massive consumption of alcohol, and like the city itself once stood on the cusp of pure greatness (Super Bowl Champion, Heisman Trophy Winner), but because of injury and missteps fell short and was eclipsed by flashier alternatives closer to the coasts (New England, Matt Leinart). Kyle represents our last, great hope, Coach Smith. (Iggins! sneezes, snot lands on paper). You may notice the snot on this letter, oh great Coach. That snot is symbolic of the message you would be sending to your team and the whole of Bears fandom by starting Mr. Griese on Sunday against Green Bay. It would be slimy, messy, and the name itself evokes the image of something disgusting. Do the right thing, Coach Smith, start Kyle Orton.
Concerned Fans.

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