Listen Up, Assholes.

I'm angry. Mostly because the Bears lost, yes, because I am a football fan and whenever my team loses I feel like punting kittens into oncoming traffic. But also because I hate this pantywaist fanbase with every fiber of my being. If the Bears fans I've talked to today are any indication (and I'm assuming they are because wild and over-reaching assumptions are my right as a blogger), people are losing their fucking minds over this loss like it means anything.

So here's what I have to say about the naysayers who cannot sit back and enjoy this f*&king football team:

Platonic ideal football teams don't exist.

The Bears aren't a great team. Hell, by most year's standards they may not even be good at all. But look around. This is a deeply flawed division in a deeply flawed conference in a mostly flawed NFL. I don't know who pissed in the well of excellence this offseason but nobody's too eager to take a drink. The Bears, Falcons, Saints, Eagles, and Giants have the best record in this conference. The Falcons have as many "questionable" wins as the Bears do. The Saints just got their asses handed to them by the Cardinals and (sorry TEC) those guys suck. The Giants are exceptionally fond of playing only half a season every year. The Eagles have an offensive line only marginally better than the Bears. This is a shitty year. The Bears are right there at the top of the least shitty pile.

Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Bears are in first place in their division. People keep waiting for the Packers and Vikings to pull their heads outta their asses but the fact of the matter is that Green Bay is a MASH unit that was never as good as they believed themselves to be when they were healthy, and Minnesota has a shitty old quarterback who finally won a game by not throwing the God damn ball. I'm not ruling out the possibility that either of those teams could straighten it out and beat the Bears. I'm not ruling out the possibility that the Bears will fuck this away. But the fact of the matter is that neither of those teams are the sleeping giant that the pathological inferiority complex bred into Chicago fans has people thinking they are.

Here's what we do know: The Bears are 4-2. This is good for a stand-alone claim to first place as well as a tie for the conference lead. Next week they may lose. It's theoretically possible they may win. Until they don't, I'm not panicking. Because I live in the present. People in football want to predict the future and it's stupid. Maybe for the media it makes some sense, because they're supposed to be detached from the teams they cover, but I'm not. I'm attached. I enjoy watching the Chicago Bears play football. Most years they've spoonfed me a rancid puddle of feces and I've been disappointed. Some years they haven't. This year they've won more than they've lost and are in first place. I'm going to enjoy it. Those of you telling me that they aren't going to finish in first place because they don't look like a mythical "contender" can kiss my ass. If your goal is, at the end of the year, to take comfort from a shitty Bears season by showing off that you, Joe Q. Asshole, were smart enough to see through the bullshit and knew they sucked, congratulations. All you've done is prevent yourself from deriving any kind of enjoyment from the sport of football. I pity you.

The Bears have the Redskins next. That's a winnable game. Then they have a bye where they can hopefully get some God damn plan figured out with that awful offensive line. Then they have @Bills, Vikings, @Dolphins, Eagles, @Lions, Patriots, @Vikings, Jets, @ Packers. The only one of those I'd feel comfortable predicting a loss to is the Jets. I wouldn't be shocked if they won that game though, because that's how the NFL works. Good teams lose to less good teams and sometimes even bad teams. Every one of those teams has flaws that the Bears are capable of exploiting. I still think they'll win enough of them to win this division. If they don't, fuck you.

Anyway:

THE GOOD:
-Johnny Knox: Great job, kid.
-Devin Hester: We missed you.

THE BAD:
-The Defense: Sorry guys, for the first time you make it here. Losing Briggs hurts, but you can't let an aging Hasselbeck shred you like that.

-Mike Martz: Well, this is the Bad Martz that I ranted against last year when his hiring was first announced. There's no excuse possibly at all for dropping Cutler back 47 times and only having 14 attempts rushing. None. I'm not foolish enough to think that the great rushing totals they racked up last week could be repeated week in and week out, but there was absolutely no fucking intent whatsoever to make the Seahawks respect the run. Nothing at all to slow down the pass rush that got to Cutler six times. This was atrocious. Cutler was off all day (although his deep ball was certainly there) but that's understandable given that he was coming back from a concussion. What's not understandable is why Martz did nothing to settle him in or work out any kind of sustained drive. Abominable playcalling.

Well, that's where we stand. The Bears are still all alone in first place, call me when they aren't and I'll come up with a new reason to call you all idiots.

Prognostication Bukakke NFL Week 6

San Diego @ St. Louis
Code Red: I'm going to go with San Diego, because that's the safe bet, but I'm not going to bat an eye if they fumble 17 times or give up 3 return TDs and lose.

Iggins!: San Diego has betrayed me over and over this year, but I can’t pick an NFC West team. San Diego wins.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Iggins!: What the fuck, New Orleans? Do Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush mean that much to you? I hope for your sake you don’t lose here. New Orleans wins.

Code Red: They really, really need to get some kind of run game going. Just enough to give Breesus an opportunity to throw the deep ball again. Saints win, I hope.

Detroit @ New York Giants
Code Red: The Lions will be the best 1-5 team in the league. Giants win.

Iggins!: The Giants are the Oregon State of the NFL. They dig themselves a hole and climb out of it just in time to lose to Oregon at the end of the year. Giants win.

Code Red:...exactly.

Miami @ Green Bay
Iggins!: Matt Flynn is in? Packers suck. Miami wins.

Code Red: Matt Flynn is probably in because Aaron Rodgers is probably out, Clay Matthews is possibly out, and Jermaine Wiggins, Nick Barnett, Morgan Burnett, Al Harris, and Atari Bigby are all definitely out. Oh, Green Bay, I love to watch you burn. Miami wins.

Seattle @ Chicago
Code Red: I really hope that Seattle's rather porous defense will allow Edwin Williams and J'Marcus Webb another week to acclimate themselves to game conditions, and, if this is the week Chris Williams returns, help him ease back into the lineup as well. Cutler's return should revive the passing game, obviously, but I also hope Martz remains more than reluctantly committed to the run. If the Bears can run even half as well as they did against the Panthers teams will begin to call off the dogs on the pass rush. Anyway, Bears win.

Iggins!: Cutler is back… and Seattle has the 31st ranked pass defense in the NFL… I think we may set a record for fewest rushes by a team in a game. Bears win.

Baltimore @ New England
Iggins!: God, do they play this game every year? So fucking boring. I’ll take the home team, but don’t underestimate the loss of Randy Moss. Patriots win.

Code Red: I'll overestimate the loss of Randy Moss and I'll take the Ravens. The Patriots secondary is still shitty enough to be exploited by Joe Flacco.

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Code Red: I never really liked Colt McCoy at Texas, but I felt genuinely sorry for the kid when he got injured in the title game last year. Not as sorry as I'm going to feel watching the Steelers murder him, though. Pittsburgh wins, and it's going to be very, very ugly.

Iggins!: Mike Wallace fantasy owners rejoice. Steelers win.

Kansas City @ Houston
Iggins!: My darling Texans need to realize that going down by 21 points early means that, even if you have a great running game, the opposition can pass rush the rest of the game. Won’t make a difference here, because KC can’t score! Texans win.

Code Red: The Texans will win here, and lose next week, probably.

Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Code Red: Again, I'm sure the Falcons will get their fifth straight unimpressive win and the media will continue to laud them while damning the Bears for only beating the Seahawks by ten or something. Falcons win.

Iggins!: Shady will CRUSH THEM. Eagles win.

New York Jets @ Denver
Iggins!: This will be the game where everybody realizes Orton is still Orton. Jets win.

Code Red: Give it up, friend. I've wasted enough breath showing why Orton is still Orton. Jets win.

Oakland @ San Francisco
Code Red: Having ranted against Singletary I'll now pick his team to get their first win of the year, because losing this game seems like something Oakland would do. 49ers win, but they still blow.

Iggins!: I wanted to pick the Raiders last week and didn’t. I won’t make the same mistake twice. Raiders win.

Dallas @ Minnesota
Code Red: Two overhyped 1-3 teams with glaring holes everywhere face off to determine who will drop to an inescapable 1-4 hole and who will still suck at 2-3. I think the Cowboys have looked much competent in their 3 losses than the Vikings have, so I'll pick them and bask in the schadenfavre.

Iggins!: The Cowboys have by far looked like a better team, and hopefully Favre’s streak ends because he goes to jail as a sex offender. Now THAT’S schadenfavre. Cowboys win.

Indianapolis @ Washington
Iggins!: This game’s total score will approach 100. Redskins win.

Code Red: I bet the combined score won't even reach 50. Neither team has lit up the scoreboard yet and both have struggled to take the pressure off of their QBs with the run game. Colts win.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
Code Red: Why is this a Monday Night game? These teams were both mediocre last year. The Titans have hope this year, sure, but..guh. I guess I'll take VY and the Titans, although that always chaps my ass.

Iggins!: Last week I didn’t pick Vince and the gods burned my ass. Never again, VY. Titans win.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 7

Last week was my least productive this season, as I went just 5-5 in the NCAA and 8-6 in the NFL, but Iggins! was kind enough to suck even more than that, as his 4-6 and 6-8 week has now graced me with an 11 game lead.

Standings:
Code Red: 66-34 (36-24 NFL, 30-10 NCAA)
Iggins: 55-45 (31-29 NFL, 24-16 NCAA)

Onto this week's picks:

Illinois @ Michigan State
Code Red: Michigan State looks very good this year, and this game is on their home turf, but I have an 11 game lead and we'll see if I can pull one outta my ass for the Illini two weeks in a row. Illini win.

Iggins!: Christ almighty let me win one of these games. Michigan State wins.

Iowa @ Michigan
Iggins!: Michigan is who we thought they were: a shitty team with a great QB. Iowa can handle that even better than MSU did. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I really hate when his unabashed homerism coincides with actual logic. Iowa wins.

Texas @ Nebraska
Code Red: Nebraska is 1) much, much better and 2) out for revenge for that miserable rigged play clock during the Big 12 Championship game last year. Nebraska wins, bloodily.

Iggins!: Nebraska has a very good shot at going unbeaten. Nebraska crushes.

California @ USC
Iggins!: I really want to see Kiffykins fail but Cal just isn’t a good football team, and after two straight losses at the buzzer I think USC wants blood. USC wins.

Code Red: Cal is a mystery. I guess I'll go with USC, since they're still going to lose to Oregon State, Oregon, and Arizona.

Missouri @ Texas A&M
Code Red: I picked this game because Missouri is apparently ranked and because I enjoy any reason to watch the chaos that is a Jerrod Johnson-led offense. I'll roll with J-Rod's madness this week. Texas A&M wins.

Iggins!: I just hate A&M so much. Missouri wins.

South Carolina @ Kentucky
Iggins!: It would be very like South Carolina to lose here, but I’ll ride their bus for now. South Carolina wins.

Code Red: It's true. South Carolina's disposition toward batshit-crazy extends to their football programs as well (both South Carolina and Clemson lose a million games a year that they shouldn't). I just can't pick Kentucky. SC wins.

Baylor @ Colorado
Code Red: This week has some marquee matchups at the top, but man I was really scraping the barrel to get to ten. I'll go with Baylor and Robert Griffin III.

Iggins!: WOW. Baylor vs. Colorado? Jesus. Baylor by 30.

Arkansas @ Auburn
Iggins!: DIE CAM NEWTON DIE. Arkansas wins.

Code Red: I don't get this kid's irrational hatred of Cam Newton. We all know my irrational manlove of Ryan Mallett, but what concerns me here is that Arkansas couldn't stop the run at all against Alabama and Auburn just pounds people into submission. Auburn wins despite a brilliant effort by Mallett.

Ohio State @ Wisconsin
Code Red: Ohio State has now climbed to the top of the polls. I dislike this, so I'll wager on a Wisconsin upset on the Badgers' home turf. Wisconsin wins.

Iggins!: Excellent. Ohio State wins.

Code Red:I'm trying to make this interesting. If I STILL add three games to my lead this week you should probably retire and never make a prediction again.

Oregon State @ Washington
Iggins!: So Washington celebrated beating USC by losing to the second worst team in the Pac 10. OH WAIT, Washington is the second worst team in the Pac 10. Oregon State wins.

Code Red: Oregon State doesn't lose in October. OSU wins.

Woah, Three Years of Mediocrity

There are somethings in life that you just can't forget. Apparently the founding of this site isn't one of them, as I've completely forgotten to mention that this month marks the 3rd year of Start Kyle Orton.

As some of you may know, this site was started on September 30th, 2007. That was the date of Brian F*&king Griese's first career start as a Chicago Bear, and it was a dark, dark time. It was just beginning to sink in at that point that the Bears were not who they thought they were, and little did we imagine that the 2007 season would mark the first of three largely infuriating and disappointing campaigns.

I should probably confess here that this site would have been more appropriately named "Bench Brian Griese" but BBG didn't have the nice ring to it that SKO does. Because, while I've always respected Kyle, to accuse me of thinking Kyle could have ever been the long-term solution for the Bears problem at quarterback would be misleading. Sure, I blustered a bit while Kyle got off to his hot start in 2008, but that bandwagon was always rocky. The one thing that has never changed, however, is my undying hatred of Brian F*&king Griese.

For a while Iggins! and I dabbled in baseball, hockey, and even UFC because Iggins! has fallen prey to our generation's greatest vice. Overtime, however, those topics fell by the wayside as I've streamlined the topics down to football, the one sport that I can pretend to know something about with the greatest sense of false authority. Somewhere along the line people who aren't just the two of us and my dad actually started reading this thing. I can't say how much I appreciate that. I'd like to think that I've gotten slightly better at this as I've gone along, and I really appreciate the feedback I do get. Most of all I hope the Bears can keep winning and I can avoid my usual November/December breakdown and subsequent lack of posts. Either way, thanks for coming along and I'll try to spoonfeed you more vitriolic rants and complete bullshit about the Chicago Bears and football in general.

And f*&k Brian F*&king Griese.

Interesting

Brad Biggs reports that the Bears will put Chris Williams in at left guard and send the struggling Roberto Garza to the bench. Williams played some guard in high school, but it's shocking to see the team give up on his potential as a tackle so early. They appear to be very enamored with J'Marcus Webb's potential. We'll see how this works out. Anything to keep Jay on his feet, I guess.

Around the NFL, Week 5

Tampa Bay 24, Cincinnati 21
Yet another Bengals loss that can be directly attributed to former SKO-Mancrush Carson Palmer and his ragged former-armcock. Oh Carson, I don't care if you're too young to retire, do it now while I can still remember you the way you used to be (sobs hysterically). Oh, and Josh Freeman is still a pretty good young quarterback.

Not like Carson was, though (sobs again).

Detroit 44, St. Louis 6
I did not see this coming at all. I really liked the Rams going into this game. They had a 2008 Falcons vibe about them with Bradford playing non-rookie like and the defense looking pretty not-awful. Well, this happened. I'm happy for the Lions and their fans (except the ones still bitching about the Calvin Johnson no-catch), but the sad thing here is that the Rams may still win their division.

NY Giants 34, Houston 10
Yep, they're still the Texans. I really hope they can somehow get it together and win this division, because I really like the Schaub-Foster-Johnson triumvirate on offense, but Jesus, they just can't ever seem to take the proverbial next step.

Baltimore 31, Denver 17
That's more like it. I'm happy for Kyle and his record-setting numbers, and I'll skip my weekly explanation of why those numbers are hollow (okay okay, just a little bit: he's on pace to throw only 25 TD passes on nearly 700 attempts, because once again this offense is the ultimate example of why yardage=/=points) as long as he continues to put up those great numbers while McDaniels still loses the game.

Atlanta 20, Cleveland 10
Yawn. Also, the Browns have now lost both Jake Delhomme (is that a loss?) and Seneca Wallace to high ankle sprains, meaning Colt McCoy will likely get his first NFL start against Pittsburgh. That poor sonofabitch.

Indianapolis 19, Kansas City 9
I really think Kansas City should give Brodie Croyle a shot at quarterback soon. Matt Cassel is terrible and he is the only thing keeping this team from being a legitimate contender. Okay, Todd Haley doesn't help, but the biggest problem is Cassel.

Jacksonville 36, Buffalo 26
Both of these teams suck.

Washington 16, Green Bay 13
So Al Harris, Atari Bigby, Nick Barnett, Morgan Burnett, Mark Tauscher, Jermaine Wiggins, Clay Matthews, and Aaron Rodgers are now hurt. The funniest part about all of that (and it's funny enough as it is) is that the Packers were still be an underachieving group of crybabies with all of those guys in the lineup. Suck it, Green Bay.

Arizona 30, New Orleans 20
I have no idea how the Cardinals overcame Max Hall's pedestrian, Jake Plummer-like numbers (168 YDS, 0 TDs, 1 INT, 65 rating) to put 30 on the Saints, but I do know that the Saints aren't going to recover from this funk until they get Pierre Thomas back and start running the ball. Also, the fact that the Cardinals are in first place despite being outscored by 50 points this season should make you weep for the state of football out west.

Tennessee 34, Dallas 27
The Cowboys 1-3 start can only be eclipsed in hilarity by the 1-4 start they will hopefully send the Vikings to next week. After that they can go 3-13 for all I care (with a final win against Green Bay, of course).

Oakland 35, San Diego 27
LOLChargers special teams. In their three losses the Chargers have gained nearly twice as much yardage as their opponents (1413-747) and have outscored opponents' offenses 49-35, but they've given lost all three thanks to 3 return TDs that killed them against KC and Seattle and two blocked punts that led to Raiders' scores. That's both sad and funny, because Phillip Rivers is a dickhead and I enjoy watching his herculean efforts go to waste.

Philadelphia 27, San Francisco 24
Mike Singletary is not a good coach, people. I know that that's probably some kind of heresy coming from a Bears fan, and he was certainly an outstanding linebacker, but he's just 13-17 as a head coach and he's just been woefully unimpressive this season. His clock management against the Saints was abominable, his hiring of Jimmy Raye as offensive coordinator is only matched in stupidity by his firing of Jimmy Raye two games into the season, and his handling of Alex Smith is shameful. Watching his little sideline tirade was painful. I don't care how Smith "responded." Smith really wasn't playing that poorly before the bitchfest, and while his two fumbles sucked, I didn't see Singletary tearing into Frank Gore for his two fumbles earlier in the game, or for his piss poor 2.9 yards per attempt. I'm really not an Alex Smith partisan, but the mark of a bad coach is singling out any one player, especially the quarterback, on a team that flat out sucks. Ever since his "I want winners!" rant, Singletary's shown no culpability whatsoever for his team's shortcomings and obviously jettisoned Raye and attacked Smith in order to deflect criticism from himself. Not impressive. /rant ended.

NY Jets 29, Minnesota 20
The Vikings suck. I think I addressed this point well enough last night.

That's enough for now. Look for Prognostication Bukakke tomorrow.

In a Week With Many Contenders, Michael Silver Surprisingly Wins Award for Biggest Favre Dong Chugger

Not that "biggest" and "dong" should be in the same sentence as "Favre" at this point, but my God, can you get more delusional than this screed in which Silver talks about Favre as some kind of mythical hero despite him completing 41% of his passes and committing three costly turnovers in a loss? You know the drill, Silver's in italics.

Brett Favre’s return to the Meadowlands was a resounding flop. He was clearly undone by the NFL’s investigation of the lewd text messages he’s accused of having sent to a former New York Jets employee, not to mention a sore throwing elbow. And that whole Return of 84 thing? Randy Moss was but a whisper, having been completely neutralized by Antonio Cromartie.

So basically he sucked and Randy Moss didn't change that, nor did his presence change the fact that the Vikings have a shitty offensive line (which is apparently a requirement for membership in the NFC North). I like where you're going with this, Mike.

On one of the most hyped Monday nights in recent memory, the Minnesota Vikings had nothing.

That's not true. They have a 1-3 record!

And then, with 2:10 remaining in the third quarter, Favre dropped back, delivered a pass more perfect than a Hawaii sunset and changed everything – everything – about a game, a team and a still flickering dream.

Except it didn't change the fact that the Jets had the lead (which they never relinquished), it didn't change his team's losing record or their place in the standings, and it did absolutely nothing to change their flickering hopes. Because they lost. But let's judge Favre on the one or even all three of his blind luck passes to open receivers whom Rex Ryan inexplicably left in single coverage while nonsensically blitzing on 3rd and 17 or 3rd and 19, not the 20 incomplete passes he had (leaving him at 41.2% for the night).

Favre and the Vikings didn’t finish the job Monday, falling short by a 29-20 score after the Jets’ Dwight Loweryended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for touchdown. Yet even though they are 1-3 and 2½ games behind the Chicago Bears in the NFC North, the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia.

Wait. Didn't you just say he was clearly undone by the NFL's investigation? Also, let's fix that "ended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for a touchdown" by adding "that Favre threw. Straight at a defender. On a terrible throw." Because if we're judging Favre and the entire Vikings season on one pass, Mike, I choose that one.

When Favre floated that over-the-shoulder beauty to Moss down the right sideline – which the receiver caught after crossing the end line with Cromartie as close to him as legally possible – a light went on in the dormant purple-and-gold universe, and suddenly the quest to take that last, final step through the Super Bowl threshold was very much alive.

And then it was very much dead when Favre floated that side-armed beauty into the hands of a waiting Jets defender, who took it as far as legally required to score a game-clinching gift-wrapped touchdown.

As Favre jubilantly raced toward the end zone to bear-hug Moss and celebrate the 500th touchdown pass of his career, a thick layer of stress and negativity evaporated, and it was no longer about what was wrong with the team that last year came within a few blades of turf of going into New Orleans and winning the NFC championship game.

It was no longer about that because fucking fellatio artists like yourself decided to make it about all about adding another chapter to the epic saga of Favre-gamesh. The best part about this sentence is that just a few minutes later Favre HANDED THE GAME TO THE JETS ON A PICK SIX and the Vikings were 1-3 and left to wonder what is wrong with them (I've got a quick answer for them: It's the 41 year old bum playing quarterback). Oh also, they came within a few blades of turf and a BRETT FAVRE PICK THAT HANDED THE GAME TO THE SAINTS of winning the NFC championship game.

Now it was Favre, for the love of the game and within the us-against-the-world cocoon of devoted teammates, running around like no 41-year-old man should have a right to and making plays that no one else can, or ever could

No. Fuck you. Nothing Brett Favre does is for the love of the game. NOTHING. That myth died the second he forced his way out of retirement so he could play for the Jets and BY HIS OWN ADMISSION show Ted Thompson he could still play. It should have died again after he forced his release from the Jets so he could take the revenge one step further. It should have died after he claimed his holdout this summer wasn't about money before coming back the second the Vikings gave him a raise. He is the greatest narcissist in an industry that breeds nothing but narcissists. You people are pathetic.

• Looping a ball off his back foot to Percy Harvin on a crossing route that the swift second-year receiver gathered in stride and took to the house.

Yeah, that was blind luck. He threw it off of his back foot, as you note, and Harvin barely gathered it in before racing for the first down and the touchdown because the Jets had called a blitz for no apparent reason and left him wide open. Any quarterback regardless of age could have made that throw. Well, except Todd Collins.

• Putting a sick spin move on Vernon (The Ghost) Gholston to buy time on a two-point conversion attempt.

Which he didn't convert, because he threw an interception.

• Delivering another resplendent TD pass to Harvin, then getting the ball back down two points with just under two minutes remaining and spines tingling all over the football-watching world, with a gleam in his eyes that said, “This is why I’m here.”

And then he THREW A TERRIBLE PASS THAT WAS INTERCEPTED AND RETURNED FOR A CLINCHING TOUCHDOWN. Holy shit, man. "gleam in his eyes"? How did you manage to type this with one hand in your pants? What the f*&k is wrong with you?

No, Favre didn’t pull off the fantastic finish. Realistically, he started too late, and he left himself too little margin for error.

No, Favre didn't pull of the fantastic finish. Realistically, he was mostly terrible all night and completed just 14 of 34 passes. He fumbled twice and threw a game-ending pick six. He left himself too little margin for error and yet still made three crippling errors. He has a 67 quarterback rating this year and 7 interceptions because he's old and terrible, but he made three lucky passes that didn't win his team the game and yet somehow outweigh all of the really, really terrible things he did that directly contributed to his team losing this game.

However, after the way he opened up the stormy New Jersey skies Monday night, don’t bury him or these Vikings until they’re mathematically eliminated. I’m guessing they flew home a rejuvenated, hopeful crew of believers, Moss included, and that beginning Sunday in the Metrodome against the Dallas Cowboys they’ll do everything they can to avoid waiting until late in the third quarter to put opposing defenses on blast.

Right. Don't count the Vikings out of playoff contention until they're out of playoff contention. Also, apparently you didn't see Favre's mopey ass press conference, where he looked like a tired ass old man.

Even if those 17 minutes of magic were the last we’ll ever get from Favre, I’ll be grateful, for they were that good. But I really, really get the feeling that he’s pretty far from done.

I'll be grateful, too, because I thoroughly enjoy watching Brett Favre cost his team games by throwing the ball directly to opposing teams. I really, really get the feeling that it's not the last time he'll fuck his teammates over like that.

College Football Roundup, Week 6

Illinois 33, Penn State 13
That was a total shot in the dark. I had zero faith that Illinois would actually do this, regardless of whether or not I picked them. That was awesome. A bowl actually seems LIKELY at this point (Coach [Redacted] will now lose 6 straight).

Michigan State 34, Michigan 17
This was about what I expected. Michigan just doesn't have the....anything..to pair with Denard Robinson.

California 35, UCLA 7
Nevada curb-stomped Cal by 38 points. UCLA demolished Texas 32-7. The always correct transitive-property of college football thereby dictates that Nevada could beat Texas into the Sun Belt.

Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
Arkansas has a disturbing habit of racking up huge point totals in the first half and then puckering up in the second. Against Alabama, that's understandable, but against Jerrod Johnson it's concerning.

South Carolina 35, Alabama 21
Shocking. I wonder how badly Steve Spurrier regrets benching Stephen Garcia against Auburn right now. SC could be undefeated and sitting pretty atop the SEC.

Oregon State 29, Arizona 27
And Oregon State's annual run of midseason excellence begins.

LSU 33, Florida 29
Les Miles...fuck, I don't know.

Florida State 45, Miami 17
Yeah...the ACC blows.

Stanford 37, USC 35
Watching Kiffykins' get his heart torn out on last second field goals in back-to-back weeks makes for damn good television.

That's all for now.

Bears 23, Panthers 6 and A Lot of Ugly In Between

Well, most of that game played out the way I expected. It was excellent to see Matt Forte get going. I had begun to think that it was illegal for a runningback to bounce it outside, but apparently not. Anywho, onto the Good/Bad

THE GOOD:

Matt Forte: Just an absolutely fantastic performance from #22: 166 yards rushing, 22 yards receiving, and 2 TDs. Those are the kinds of numbers we've been expecting for awhile. Hopefully that can carry over against teams that are actually good (although, to be fair, Carolina had been allowing just 112 ypg and a 3.3 average on the ground before this game).

Julius Peppers: I've been a fan of the Peppers signing since day one. I thought it would be hard for a defensive end to justify 91 million dollars, but hey, it ain't my money. So far, however, he's been worth every fucking dime. He's some kind of man-beast.

UrlacherBriggsSamoa: The three headed monster was at it again, with Urlacher turning in an interception, Briggs and Tino each compiling a sack, and all three of them contributing to my raging erection. Please stay healthy, guys.

Izzie Idonijie: Izzie had the kind of production we should expect from the guy benefiting from the attention given to Julius Peppers as he tallied 3 sacks. Beautiful. I sure as hell don't miss Mark Anderson.

The Secondary: Yeah, Clausen is a not-good douche-bazooka, but this was still an impressive performance as they held the Panthers to just 96 yards passing and Tillman added an interception as well. Kudos, boys.

The Bad:

The offensive line (Sorta): They didn't exactly do a stellar job of opening up holes, but it's an accomplishment all by itself that they were able to jam up the middle and give Forte some cutback lanes, something they've sucked at all year. Brilliant move by the coaching staff to get J'Marcus Webb and Edwin Williams some playing time, as they both played pretty well. The pass blocking was still rather sketchy, although Collins should have thrown the ball on 1 of the sacks he took. Improved performance, but not quite there yet.

Jimmy Clausen: I just hate this surly-looking toehead. He reminds me of someone....I can't remember who... but that guy was also an entitled dickhead with little in the way of actual talent and I enjoyed watching both of them get pounded into the turf.

Todd Collins: This is a special moment, Todd. For you have joined: THE PANTHEON OF EPICALLY BAD CHICAGO BEARS QUARTERBACKS.

Roll Call: Concannon, Rakestraw, Carter, Douglass, Huff, Nix, Avellini, Phipps, Evans, Lisch, Tomczak, Willis, Furrer, Mirer, Stenstrom, McNown, Chandler, Burris, Stewart, Quinn, Krenzel, Hutchinson, Griese and....

TODD COLLINS.

Don't thank me, buddy. You earned it with your 6/16, 32 yd, 4 INT performance, and frankly, your 10/27, 68 YD, 0 TD, 5 INT performance in 7 quarters of work truly ranks among the, umm, rankest in the illustrious history of shitty Bears QBs. Your 5.9 (no, that is not a f*&king typo) QB rating will (assuming you never throw another pass as a Bear, and God help me if you do) place you as the LOWEST RATED STARTING QB IN BEARS HISTORY. Move over, Will Furrer (7.3 rating in 1992), you've been dethroned. Holy shit, Todd. Ho. Lee. Shit.

Well, that about does it for now. Good effort by every unit that didn't involve Todd Collins today. They beat up Carolina the way they should have. Let's pray for Cutler's speedy recovery and that Todd finds himself on the waiver wire reaaaaal soon. I'd rather try to steal Josh McCown from the UFL than see Todd in a Bear uniform again.

Chicago @ Carolina
Code Red: Sigh. After last week’s disaster I’m struggling to put my optimism in the offense back together. I think the defense will destroy Jimmy Clausen, though, so for this week I think they’re safe. Bears win.

Iggins!: Trade for Logan Mankins. Trade Forte, or picks, or whatever. Just trade for a couple of linemen, Jerry. Bears win.

Code Red: Honestly, Jerry Angelo is to the offensive line as Jim Hendry is to a bullpen. They throw money at the problem until that doesn’t work, then they’ve spent all their money so they rely on young, unproven guys and the result is always the same: suck.

Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati
Iggins!: The Bengals couldn’t possibly lose to the Bucs after losing to the Browns the week before. Bengals win.

Code Red: They could possibly. Oh they could. But for one more week I’ll gamble on Cincy, since they’re at home. Bengals win.

St. Louis @ Detroit
Code Red: When the hell is Matt Stafford coming back? Rams win, because they may somehow wind up winning their division.

Iggins!: Detroit has an awesome habit of staying close in every game they play just long enough to kick their tortured fanbase in the nuts once a week. Rams win.

NY Giants @ Houston
Iggins!: It isn’t like the Giants looked great against the Bears either. Texans win.

Code Red: The Texans did allow a lot of sacks to the Redskins. I’ll pick the Giants here, but only because I need one more win in a game like this before I believe the Texans have bucked their usual trend of shitting the bed.

Denver @ Baltimore
Code Red: I’m sorry, Kyle, but I need you to have a bad game against Baltimore so I can stop hearing twits like Peter King state that you’re better than Jay like all things are equal and you don’t play in a stats-inflating spread offense with actual living, breathing offensive linemen (I know Orton got sacked 6 times last week, but 6 sacks in 56 dropbacks really isn’t that bad compared to 9 sacks in 20 dropbacks). Ravens win.

Iggins!: Brandon Lloyd is a fantasy dynamo. Never thought I would write that. Ravens win.

Atlanta @ Cleveland
Iggins!: Nice win for Cleveland and white guys everywhere last week. Thank you, Peyton Hillis, for breaking the racist stereotype that white guys can’t be RBs. Maybe one day the racial discrimination will stop, and we will all remember Peyton Hillis. His team will still lose, though. Hey, Jackie Robinson didn’t win ‘em all either. Atlanta wins.

Code Red: I fully expect Atlanta win this game when Seneca Wallace (or is Delhomme finally back? That’ll be hilarious) trips on his own teammate in the end zone and gives the Falcons a game-winning safety and then I expect the national media to spend all of their time talking about how the Bears 3 wins (hopefully 4 after Sunday)aren’t legit. Falcons win.

Kansas City @ Indianapolis
Code Red: The streak ends here. Sorry Chiefs. Colts win.

Iggins!: Peyton is gonna be pissed. Colts win.

Jacksonville @ Buffalo
Iggins!: Can’t pick Buffalo. Jacksonville wins.

Code Red: *Vomits on his desk* Oh God. Oh the horror. You know Jacksonville will find some fucking way to lose this game. You just know they will. But I can’t..pick…Buffalo. Jags win. But they won’t. Because they’re dickheads.

Green Bay @ Washington
Code Red: Even after last week’s incredibly underwhelming win over the Eagles, I can still say that Washington isn’t any good. Green Bay wins. Sigh.

Iggins!: The only thing the Redskins can do is pass, and they’re facing a great pass defense. Packers win.

New Orleans @ Arizona
Iggins!: Arizona being at 2-2 is a goddamned travesty. Saints win.

Code Red: MAX HALL! The Cardinals are hoping he can be the best homegrown QB they’ve had since a young Jake Plummer. I expect more of a Josh McCown type effort. Oh, and they’re going to lose by 30. Saints win.

Tennessee @ Dallas
Code Red: In order to prove that some things never change, I’m going to pick the Cowboys will Iggins! is surely going to go with Vince Young. Cowboys win.

Iggins!: Not after last week, sir. Cowboys back with a vengeance. Cowboys win.

Code Red: Sonofabitch.

San Diego @ Oakland
Iggins!: I am so tempted to take Oakland. All San Diego has done this season is disappoint, and Oakland has looked mediocre, which is a vast improvement over last year. But not just yet. I can’t pick the Raiders yet. Chargers win.

Code Red: He makes very good points. But I can’t pick the Raiders ever. It’s like gambling on Les Miles. You can’t predict the beast. Chargers win.

Philadelphia @ San Francisco
Code Red: Well, San Francisco is this year’s “team with a bunch of nationally-televised games that everyone thought would be good that will instead just shit their pants in front of the entire country four-five times.” Last year it was our own beloved Bears, so we’re happy to pass off the torch. Eagles win. Maybe? I think Kolb is starting, so he and Alex Smith will be competing to see who can underthrow more passes to their fullback in the flat.

Iggins!: Vick and Shady are hurt. The Niners will finally get a win. 49ers win.

Minnesota @ NY Jets
Iggins!:Randy Moss is a Viking again… holy shit that’s gonna be weird. I might care if he had a quarterback. Jets win.

Code Red: Agreed. The Moss deal will be amusing solely because I look forward to seeing the media find a way to blame him for Favre’s next interception into triple coverage. Jets win.

Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 6

Standings:
Code Red: 53-23 (28-18 NFL, 25-5 NCAA)
Iggins: 45-31 (25-21 NFL, 20-10 NCAA)

Yes, bitches, that's an 8 game lead.

Onto this week, where Iggins! opportunities for a comeback are somewhat limited:

Illinois @ Penn State
Code Red: I don’t really believe in moral victories, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Illinois responded to their impressive defensive showing against OSU by falling apart completely against Penn State. But what the hell, I’ve got an 8 game lead. Illinois wins.

Iggins!: You are very generous, sir. Penn State wins.

Michigan State @ Michigan
Iggins!: The first good team Michigan has faced, Denard has gotten injured in each game he’s played, and Michigan doesn’t have a defense. Seriously, I’m not sure if they field 11 players on defense. At the very least I’m positive they only have two people in the secondary at all times. Michigan State wins.

Code Red: Again, this looks like it may be the one Michigan State team every decade that actually wins 10 games. MSU wins.

Arkansas @ Texas A&M
Code Red: I can’t for the life of me figure out why so many people are jumping off of Ryan Mallett’s draft stock because Alabama confused the shit out of him in the 4th quarter. Before that he’d gashed what’s easily been the nation’s best defense for 3 years running for well over 300 yards. Peyton Manning never won a game against Florida when he was in college. He turned out okay. ARMCOCK shall be back with a vengeance this week, while I’m going to be sure to record this just for the pure joy of watching Jerrod Johnson keep Texas A&M in and out of this game simultaneously. Armcockansas wins.

Iggins!: I don’t understand QB ratings going into a draft. Sometimes it seems like Kiper ranks them highly based entirely on physical ability, take for instance Jake Locker who has never done anything of any importance at Washington, and sometimes he takes a ridiculous amount of points away from a guy who has a bad game. Why does Mallett suffer so much when Locker went 4-20 against Nebraska? Either way Arkansas is a better team. Arkansas wins.

Pittsburgh @ Notre Dame
Iggins!: Two “disappointing” teams who you are only disappointed with if you haven’t been paying attention to college football for the last 5 years. The difference here is in the QB play, where Notre Dame is clearly superior. Notre Dame wins.

Code Red: Yeah, I really only put this game on here so we can laugh at both snobby Notre Dame fans AND Dave Wannstedt. It’s like a double- decker schadenfreude sandwich. But I agree, ND has a functioning offense, giving them exactly one more functioning unit than Pitt. ND wins.

Alabama @ South Carolina
Code Red: After watching Spurrier absolutely wreck a masterful performance by Stephen Garcia by benching him for a freshman on the road against a ranked team in the 4th quarter (I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I can’t get over how utterly incompetent Spurrier was in this game), I can’t imagine any chance of him coaching South Carolina to anything better than a 14 point loss in this game. Alabama wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, it’s that type of shit that makes you lose faith in a coaching staff. Might be time for Spurrier to hang it up. Roll Tide?

Oregon State @ Arizona
Iggins!: I have witnessed the hell that is Arizona’s stadium. Oregon State is worse than Iowa, and even though Iowa didn’t play anywhere near to their potential, Oregon State still isn’t as good as that Iowa team. Arizona wins.

Code Red: I knew he’d use this space to talk up Iowa. This guy can teach you people things about being a homer. It’s like Ron Santo f*&ked Hawk Harrelson and sent their kid to Iowa. Anywho, yeah, Arizona will win.

LSU @ Florida
Code Red: Two teams with great defenses and brainless offensive coordinators. I’m going to take the home team. Florida wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, LSU just can’t keep getting by on that psychotic bastards luck and balls forever. Florida wins.

Florida State @ Miami
Iggins!: Ha. ACC teams. God that’s a great joke. Miami wins.

Code Red: This conference BLOOOOOOOOWS. Miami.

USC @ Stanford
Code Red: Stanford wore down late against Oregon in Autzen, but there’s no way they’ll lose to Kiffykins. Stanford wins.

Iggins!: Oregon is a damn fine team. Stanford is easily second best in the Pac 10 though. Stanford wins.

Arizona State @ Washington
Iggins!: Equal shittiness. Fantastic. Home team? Washington wins.

Code Red: I’ll roll with Washington since they came up big for me last week.

Around the NFL, Week 4

Atlanta 16, San Francisco 14
So the Falcons have now beaten the Cardinals, who suck, and the Saints because of a missed field goal, and now the 49ers because of a fumbled interception return where, if Clements had just taken a knee, they'd have lost. Those are three less than convincing wins. Why is it that they get a pass from the "ARE THE BEARS FOR REAL?" media?

NY Jets 38, Buffalo 14
God the Bills are horrible.

Baltimore 17, Pittsburgh 14
I'd still have to go with Pittsburgh as the favorite in that division, since Rapelisberger will give the Steelers a functioning offense.

New Orleans 16, Carolina 14
The three teams that the Saints have beaten are 1-10, and yet they've won those three games by a combined 10 points. Now, New Orleans is a great team and they obviously deserve to be acknowledged as so because of what they did last year, but again, why the hell are the Bears the only team that gets grief for winning 3 close games?

Denver 26, Tennessee 20
As usual, Vince Young only wins when I do not desire it. F*&k you, Vince. You could have done me a solid here and landed on right in McDaniels' smarmy cockface, and you failed.

Cleveland 23, Cincinnati 20
I'm not sure at all how Cleveland won this game despite their absolute refusal to cover the Bengals' receivers at all, but good for them.

Green Bay 28, Detroit 26
Green Bay only beat Detroit by 2 points. They were aided in this by 13 Detroit penalties. Does that invalidate the victory? Well, based on the logic of Green Bay fa-Whatever. Just shut the fuck up now, Cheeseheads, and keep telling yourself all is well with your "Superbowl favorites."

St. Louis 20, Seattle 3
I can't make heads or tails of the NFC or AFC Wests this year, but I do not that I am awesome for calling that St. Louis would win this game. I'm absolutely pulling for them to win the division. The crazy thing is that that's Not unthinkable.

Houston 31, Oakland 24
In previous years this is exactly the kind of game the Texans would have dropped. Maybe they are growing up.

Jacksonville 31, Indianapolis 28
God dammit, Jacksonville. Why can't I ever understand you?

San Diego 41, Arizona 10
With the news that Max Hall will get the start for the Cardinals this week, I can't help but think they should lure their old quarterback out of retirement. You know who I mean.

Washington 17, Philadelphia 12
Wow, Kevin Kolb sucks. It was sickening how much I was forced to agree with Troy Aikman as he ranted and raved about how big of a coward Kolb was for his refusal to throw anything downfield. Oh, and Washington isn't very good either.

New England 41, Miami 14
Thank you, Dolphins special teams, for making the Bears offensive line look like a less atrocious unit by comparison. Brutal. New England's secondary still sucks. And regardless of whatever the "Patriot Way" says, they'll miss Randy Moss. Thanks a lot, assholes.

A New Low

So who is to blame for Sunday night's god awful sackfest? The offensive line (ding ding)? Mike Martz (ding) ? Jerry Angelo (ding ding motherfucking ding)?

No, you fools. Rick Telander has the answer, and it's Jay Cutler's defective pancreas. Yes, Rick Telander is blaming Jay Cutler's diabetes, and even more, he's INDIGNANT that the Bears apparently think this is a stupid thing to suggest (mostly because it's retarded).

Anyway, he's in italics:

You give up something when you live in our socially connected world.

And sometimes you get something taken from you. Like your ability to naturally produce insulin.

Anonymity, freedom, call it what you want.

This is going to be a fucking joy.

So imagine being Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, the most scrutinized person at the most scrutinized position on the most scrutinized entertainment vehicle in Chicago.

When I was 8 years old I was involved in a hit and run accident. Somebody just straight up drilled me with their car, knocked me into a ditch, ruined my brand new bike, and left me there. I walked myself home, bleeding from the top of my skull. My parents took me to the hospital and cat scans revealed a massive concussion. I should state that I don't actually remember any of this, because, well, I was hit by a car and had a massive concussion. I still have frequent headaches and migraines to this day. My point? I know exactly how it feels to be Jay Cutler right now.

Cutler was so badly battered Sunday by the New York Giants that it's a wonder his eyeballs still face forward.

There are sacks and there are sacks, and one of the latter occurred when Giants blitzer Aaron Ross slammed Cutler to the ground less than a minute before halftime. Cutler's head bounced off the turf like a ball off a bat. It was the ninth time Cutler had been sacked, an NFL record for a half.

There are hacks, and there are hacks, like the one's who tell us about how a quarterback was sacked 9 times in a half behind an historically bad offensive line (say what you will, they're on pace to tie the NFL record with 72 sacks in a season) and then are about to try to blame this on his blood sugar level.

Curiously, Cutler stayed in for the next play, even though the Giants futilely called their final timeout. When play resumed, he simply handed the ball to tailback Matt Forte, and the half came to an end.

Okay. He hadn't really talked to anyone yet. Concussions are not ridiculously easy to notice. Hell (WARNING: HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STORY) we had a kid on my team that had one, got up, went to the huddle, broke, and for some reason waited until after the play to remark that he had absolutely no idea where the hell he was. So it's not that mysterious that Cutler stayed in for one last handoff when no one had any idea yet that he was concussed.

The concussion Cutler suffered at some point -- on the last sack or even cumulatively -- is the point at which we want to know something. Maybe it's more than Cutler -- or the Bears -- would like us to know.

What. the. Fuck. Does. This. Mean? Are you trying to say you want to know "at what point" Cutler suffered the concussion? Because if so, you badly botched that. Or are you saying the concussion is "the point" you want to know more about? Jesus Christ, you're awful at your job.

The main question will be answered soon enough: Will Cutler be able to start Sunday against the Carolina Panthers?

So that was your point?

Then there is the question of who failed the most in the disaster: Was it the offensive line, offensive coordinator Mike Martz or head coach Lovie Smith?

You're really not making any kind of argument or anything here. Now you're just listing questions. Weren't you supposed to have "a point"?

Did disease play a role?

No. No it did not. That's an utterly absurd question.

But most important is Cutler himself.

I still don't get what you're trying to say here. The most important question is about Cutler himself? The most important person on the offense is Cutler himself? The person who holds the biggest share of blame is Cutler himself? WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE ANYTHING REMOTELY READABLE?

And a huge question is whether he himself screwed up by not recognizing pass rushes, missing hot reads, moving the wrong way or holding the ball for too long.

Probably. At least a couple times. It happens. To all quarterbacks. Diabetic and non-diabetic ones included. Since the vast majority of quarterbacks are non-diabetic, it stands to reason that DIABETES PLAYS NO FUCKING FACTOR IN THIS YOU TWIT. But alas...

Indeed, there was one sack on which Cutler dropped back, looked downfield, pump-faked ... then was crushed. You don't pump-fake when the hounds are on you.

Cutler was sacked for the first time just 90 seconds into the game. He was sacked for the second time three minutes later.

When did he get dingy?

And there is this: Did his diabetes have anything to do with it?

Dingy? As in: "1. lacking light or brightness; drab 2. dirty; discoloured"? Someone get Rick a new thesaurus. And I'm guessing he got "dingy" somewhere between sack 1 and sack 9. Now, I don't know if you know how diabetes works, but physical contact from other people does not somehow make it better or worse. It stands to reason that if Cutler was tested and was feeling fine before the game, taking a hit from a 290 pound defensive lineman did not knock the insulin out of his veins. It stands to reason because IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE A DIABETIC REACTION TO A FUCKING TACKLE.

That is a very personal question, but it is a valid one for this highly paid athlete.

No, it's not a valid question at all. Not for Jay Cutler, not for any other diabetic. It defies logic and medical science. It's a ridiculous fucking stupid question and I weep that in this economy people with skills and worth to society are struggling to feed their families while you are paid to smear a bunch of shit on a page without any kind of rationale behind it.

It is noble and courageous that Cutler plays pro football at all, let alone stars at the sport, with Type 1 diabetes, a disease that forces him to measure his blood-sugar and insulin levels constantly, even during games.

Oh. My. God. (vomits uncontrollably).

To be slightly off on those levels can cause a diabetic to have blurred vision, reduced reaction time and slight loss of judgment. And who needs total awareness more than an NFL quarterback?

Obviously not a sports columnist for the Chicago Sun Times. You get by just fine with no awareness at all. Also, YOU JUST SAID THEY MEASURE HIS LEVELS DURING THE GAME. So, I'm just going to assume that since they test him, they wouldn't have sent him out onto the field if his levels were dangerously low. And since no one but you is apparently dumb enough to believe that getting sacked can cause your insulin and blood sugar to fluctuate, anyone else could tell you this isn't an issue at all and that you're a god awful excuse for a man.

We largely have forgotten about Cutler's battle with diabetes since he came to Chicago and was very open about his dealings with the late onset of the disease.

We've forgotten about it because it's a private and very manageable condition and it DOES NOT AFFECT HIS PLAY YOU IDIOT.

But it is there. And one can't help but wonder whether the blows to his head, combined with the possible internal effects of diabetes, had anything to do with this horror show.

The blows to his head, yes. The internal effects of diabetes? No. They aren't combined. Because they aren't at all related. You. God. Damn. Idiot.

That he wanted to go back in is irrelevant. Remember that Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten became indignant when he wasn't allowed to re-enter a game against the Bears on Sept. 19, even though he had a concussion.

Irrelevant to what? This isn't a talking point at all. "He wanted to go back in!" is not the defense anyone would have used against this asinine accusation. This paragraph just doesn't belong anywhere, not even in this shit-stained drivel. The rebuttal wouldn't be "he wanted to go back in!" It would be "Rick, you know absolutely nothing about diabetes and sadly even less about football." And then I would kick you in the groin. But I'd give you a candy bar to help with the blood sugar I'd just lowered.

Here is the kicker: Cutler was sacked seven times in the second quarter alone. If that isn't an NFL record, nothing is.

The kicker to what? This doesn't help your argument at all. If you're argument is "diabetes played a factor" then this doesn't help at all. Granted, nothing will, because it's a pathetic and untenable argument, but all this sentence does is provide evidence to EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD who said "hey, Cutler looks out of sorts. Maybe it's because he's GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM." Rather than "I bet he'd have thrown that ball away if he'd eaten a f$%king Snickers bar before this series."

And the rest of this is all drivel about head injuries (is this supposed to be an article about concussions or diabetes or what, Rick?) ending with:

Cutler is paid a lot. He's famous. He dates a beautiful woman. And he gets to do what so many men think they want to do.

But he has some issues right now that the rest of us wouldn't want.

And we'll be finding out what they are.

Well, I certainly wouldn't want hacks like Rick Telander trying to blame me getting my ass kicked behind an awful offensive line on a complete unrelated medical illness of mine. And I love how fucking pompous that last line is. "We'll be finding out what they are!" Rick Telander sees through your facade, Bears organization. He won't rest until you admit that Jay Cutler's diabetes is slowly eating away at him like a modern day Brian Piccolo. Regardless of what you, common sense, or medical science says, Rick knows the TRUTH.

College Football Roundup, Week 5

Oklahoma State 38, Texas A&M 35
To be honest, I wasn't expecting this game to be entertaining at all. But then it turned out to be the funniest damn game of football I've seen in a looong time (Sunday Night's Bears game excepted, since, well, let's face it, if you can numb yourself out of thinking like a Bears fan and appreciate the complete disintegration of the Bears offensive line for the total farce that it was, that game was pretty funny). First you had A&M jumping out to a 21-7 halftime lead thanks to 3 TD passes by Jerrod Johnson. Then you had Oklahoma State roaring back and then taking a 35-21 thanks to 3 Jerrod Johnson interceptions and a Jerrod Johnson fumble. Then you had Jerrod Johnson rallying to tie the game at 35 with two more TD passes, giving him five on the day. Then Oklahoma State had to punt, and with a minute or so left Jerrod Johnson drove Texas A&M to the edge of field goal range and then...threw his 4th and fatal interception, which OK State returned to set up the game winning kick. So to recap: Texas A&M had 5 TDs and 5 turnovers that OK State turned into points. All of which came at the hands of Jerrod Johnson. He literally accounted in someway for every single point scored by either offense in this game. It was both hilarious and tragic, but mostly hilarious because Mike Sherman is his head coach and watching that man's agony is a highly rewarding experience.

Miami 30, Clemson 21
Miami may finally be shaking themselves free of the pack and climbing to the top of the giant feces heap that is the ACC. Hurray?

Ohio State 24, Illinois 13
Grrr. ANGRY. REFEREE CONSPIRACY. But seriously, Terrelle Pryor is so overrated it makes my ears bleed. If I hear one more person call him a Heisman frontrunner or the nation's most exciting player while he's throwing for 77 yards against Illinois and Denard Robinson is singlehandedly carrying the secondhand leeches of Michigan's offense to victory like the protagonist in an Ayn Rand novel (minus all of the rape and the thinly veiled sociopathy) I may be forced to kill every living thing on this planet.

Michigan State 34, Wisconsin 24
Well shit. I think we may be looking at that one year where Michigan State breaks free of their standard 5-7 or 7-5 average and heads for double digits. Not that I have any problem with that, I just wish I hadn't picked Wisconsin.

Virginia Tech 41, NC State 30
One of college football's many laws: Tom O'Brien will never, ever actually achieve anything.

Michigan 42, Indiana 35
Denard Robinson is averaging 383 yards of total offense per game and he missed 3 quarters against Bowling Green. I don't know what's more impressive, the fact that he generates more offense by himself than 25 BCS schools (including Virginia Tech, West Virginia, Miami, Georgia, Texas, Penn State, Florida, and Tennessee) or that Michigan needs every bit of his superhuman efforts simply to beat Indiana.

Oklahoma 28, Texas 20
Well, I think Oklahoma will now glide all the way to the Big 12 title game, where Nebraska will then destroy them, rape their mothers, and burn their plantation as the Huskers ride off into the night to join the Increasingly Less Accurately Named Big Ten. Oh, and Texas really sucks. Ha.

LSU 16, Tennessee 14
I have no idea what kind of good deeds or deals with Satan that Les Miles has done in order to earn his charmed existence, but I just know that I would never, ever bet against that man's ability to set himself and his own team on fire and still win the god damn football game.

Iowa State 52, Texas Tech 38
This is what happens when you fire Mike Leach, people. I laugh at you, Texas Tech. 52 POINTS FOR IOWA STATE? That's like 125 points for a real school.

Washington 32, USC 31
CALLED IT! Where is your God know, Lane Kiffin?

Oregon 52, Stanford 31
I really have to hand it to Oregon in this one. They are one very well coached football team. They were down 21-3 in this game before they even knew what hit them and yet there was absolutely no sign of panic. Chip Kelly called an onside kick in the second quarter and went for it on 4th and 1 in his own territory in the first half and yet nothing he did seemed to be a gamble. He played the percentages, bet that his team was better, and he won. I have to say, as much as I love Jim Harbaugh and admire what he's done with Stanford, it's important to remember that they've only been at this a few years, while Oregon has been in the upper tier for over a decade. They simply have more depth, and it showed over the second half. I wouldn't be surprised if this was Stanford's only conference loss. Besides, it's been damn near impossible to come into Autzen Stadium and win since the days when Akili Smith and Joey Harrington played QB for the Ducks.*

Alabama 31, Florida 6.
Steve Addazio, you are not good at your job. I think, even if Dan Mullen were still calling the plays for Florida, that they'd have lost this game. But it should never have been like this. The talent disparity between these two teams is small enough that this game should have been a toss up. Instead, for the last two years it hasn't even been close. Nick Saban absolutely destroyed Florida and showed no remorse while Florida ran option plays where the QB was absolutely no threat to keep the ball, ran 5 wides where Alabama didn't even have to pretend to cover the deep routes, and the Gators simply had no answer for anything Alabama did. T'was very sad.

Iowa 24, Penn State 3
Penn State sucks.




*- Yes, that was just an excuse to mention Akili Smith and Joey Harrington in order to laugh at them.

Jesus H. Christ.

As I type this the game isn't over, but the Bears are nonetheless done. I'm not even going to bother doing the good/bad. The defense was outstanding when it could have made a difference. That's all I've really got on that side of the ledger.

Chris Collinsworth certainly wore out the angle that Cutler held the ball too long, and I'd agree on 3 or 4 of those sacks. You know what that means? The Bears still gave up 6 sacks where it wasn't the quarterbacks fault. I've got news for you: That's fucking abominable.

This doesn't make the Bears 3-0 start hollow. Don't let people fool you. The stalwart defense that helped them to that start showed up tonight. They still have a great quarterback, assuming that he'll ever start another game for them. The offensive line that had managed to patch and scheme it's way through the last three games, however, has finally run out of ideas.

I really wish I knew how Jerry Angelo is still gainfully employed. In his time at the helm this team is now 79-69. Throw out the 13-3 record in 2001, when he took over after the draft and had little to no role in building that team, and his record drops to 66-66. In those 132 games since 2002 the Bears have given up 334 sacks, or over 2 1/2 sacks per game. They've absolutely sucked at running the ball in that time period as well, with an average finish of 23rd in the league. My point is that Jerry has no fucking clue as to how to build an offensive line, and this isn't going to change. During the only run of competence this team had from 2005-2006, Angelo simply signed the consensus best offensive linemen on the market (Tait, Brown, and Miller) then watched them all age without making any plans whatsoever to replace them. The one promising young lineman they've had (Josh Beekman) was benched for Frank Omiyale and then cut.

Of all the stupid, overused coach-isms in the sport of football, the one that holds true without change is that you win up front. Angelo seems to believe this wholeheartedly when it comes to the defensive line, since he's thrown away four picks in the top two rounds of the draft on defensive linemen since he's arrived (Micheal Haynes, Tank Johnson, and Dan Bazuin look great right now, don't they?) and spent just two on offensive linemen (Marc Colombo and Chris Williams).

The Bears have a franchise quarterback. The media can tell you he sucks all they want, but Cutler has performed like a great fucking QB since he's arrived. He had three god awful games last year against the Packers, Ravens, and 49ers, but in his other 16 games as a Bear before tonight he's posted the following numbers: 340/531 (64.0%), 3858 yds, 32 TDs, 16 INTs, 7.3 YPA, 241.1 YPG, and a 93.2 Rating. He's been nowhere near as bad as people want you to believe. In fact, he's been really good.

The Bears have, believe it or not, a solid wide receiver corps, with Johnny Knox, Devin Hester, Earl Bennett, and even Aromoshadu all having had their moments of greatness.

They have two backs that have both been solid players before and look good when they have any daylight in Matt Forte and Chester Taylor.

They have a tight end corps so deep and talented that they could actually bench Desmond Clark without any kind of negative impact.

They have a defense that hasn't allowed more than 20 points in any game this season and even kept them in this trainwreck until the 4th quarter.

I can't even blame Lovie for this. And as much as I want to hate on all of the offseason and early season hype about Mike Martz and Tice, I really do believe they've done the best job they could. There's just not a fucking thing in this world that a coach can do to fix the lack of talent on that line.

Is it going to get better? Probably. Chris Williams sucks, but he's at least a raw talent that can offer some hope of competence. Maybe Frank Omiyale really is more "comfortable" on the right side. Not everyone has Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyora. The Bears do still have a favorable schedule. But it's all going to be moot because they're eventually going to run into this again. You want to laugh at Favre's failures and the fact that the Vikings suck? Yeah, that's great, but wait until Jared Allen and the Williams Wall are lining up on the other side of the ball. You think Cutler's going to survive a half against the front seven of the Jets?

I'm sure I'm overreacting. God knows I was willing to believe that the 3-0 start meant something. Those games happened, and the Bears certainly won them, regardless of what anyone else will tell you. There will be better games than tonight in the future, but it's only a matter of time.

Hopefully that statement applies to Jerry Angelo, as well. Get fucked, Jerry.

I Still Hate Big Ten Referees

Watching the Illinois-Ohio State game I was struck by two things: 1) Illinois somehow has a not-awful defense. 2) Terrelle Pryor blows. 3) Big Ten referees are still mostly incompetent, corrupt, or both. Okay, that was three things, but still, there were 3 phantom calls that sustained Ohio State drives. I'm not going to put on the Packer fan' shoes and say that Illinois "deserved" to win the game, but the officials didn't do them any favors. Although Coach [Redacted] did a fine job of fucking things up by kicking the FG instead of going for the TD on 4th and 7 when he lacked a full complement of timeouts and any real possibility of getting the ball back. Thanks, coach.

Guh.

Anyway, show up here tomorrow by 7:20 for the SKOsCast of tomorrow night's game. We'll be in the shoutbox to the right of this post watching the Bears (hopefully) kick the Giants' big blue asses. See ya then!

Prognostication Bukakke! NFL Week 4

Detroit @ Green Bay
Code Red: Detroit is better than they have been the last two years. Tough opening slate, though. Sadly, they'll drop to 0-4 after the Packers win, and Packers fans can go back to believing their own hype for a week.

Iggins!: HA! The Packers are 2-1. It is a good day. Unfortunately they won’t lose this game, Packers win.

Code Red: We’d just like to reiterate at this point that Green Bay is in second place. Behind the Bears. Who beat Green Bay.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Iggins!: This will be a very close game. Cincinnati is worse than last year and Cleveland is better. Still, until the Bengals play Pitt I won’t bet against them in the AFC North. Bengals win.

Code Red: Indeed. Not even Carson Palmer’s tattered and ragged arm can lose this game. Bengals win (weeps once more for the downfall of Carson Palmer’s armcock).

Denver @ Tennesee
Code Red: Tennesee is just a much more balanced team all around, and the Broncos are just 3-10 in their last 13 games. Titans win, and I laugh heartily.

Iggins!: Have I ever picked against Vince Young? Seriously? Titans win.

Carolina @ New Orleans
Iggins!: Sean Payton walks into a bar. Shoots his kicker. Fin. Saints win.

Code Red: Carolina truly blows. Saints win.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Code Red: I think Pittsburgh's defense is better than Baltimore's, and Flacco has sucked against every team that isn't Cleveland. He'll be their downfall against the Steelers, a team he's 1-4 against (including playoffs). Steelers win.

Iggins!: The Ravens haven’t figured out that they’re a running team yet, and they insist on throwing the ball 40 times a game. Until they cut that shit out they can’t beat the Steelers. Pitt wins.

NY Jets @ Buffalo
Iggins!: God Buffalo sucks. I expect 3 INTs from Sanchez this game but the Jets will still win by 20 because the Bills suck that hard. Jets win.

Code Red: Agreed. The most important thing is that Mirerez needs to have a bad game. Jets win, hopefully despite an awful Mirerez game.

Seattle @ St. Louis
Code Red: I do not believe in Seattle at all. Actually, I don't believe they should allow football west of the Mississippi this year, with the exception perhaps of Kansas City and the Chargers once they begin their annual late season run. With that said, the Rams win two in a row because why not?

Iggins!: After week 3 in the season normally you know what you’ve got in almost every NFL team. I still have no fucking idea if any of these NFC West teams are good, mediocre, or really shitty. I will pick Seattle because the Rams can’t be good damnit. Seattle wins.

Code Red: I agree you can’t tell if they’re mediocre or shitty, but I think you’d be safe in saying none of them are good.

San Francisco @ Atlanta
Iggins!: So I just realized that the 49ers have never actually been good under Singletary. They’ve somehow convinced ESPN that they’re good. Unfortunately for them, they are actually terrible. Falcons win.

Code Red: But he rallied them to 7-9! And valiantly led them to 8-8! FIYUR AND PASHUN. Falcons win.

Houston @ Oakland
Code Red: Well, Houston had better win this game.

Iggins!: Bad game last week for Houston. The numbers looked good, they just couldn’t punch it in on a few occasions and it cost them big time. No way they lose here though, Texans win.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Iggins!: So this year the Jaguars have transferred their unpredictability to the Seahawks, and have decided that they are reliably awful. Colts win.

Code Red: But they have Trent Edwards now, so that..should fix nothing. At all. Colts win.

Washington @ Philadelphia
Code Red: I don't care that Philadelphia looks like (and is) a much better team. I love Donovan McNabb, and Philly deserves great pain and suffering. Skins win.

Iggins!: Philly is not a good team, and once they run into a good defense Vick will start getting booed. Unfortunately for the Skins, they don’t have a good defense. Eagles win.

Arizona @ San Diego
Iggins!: San Diego has been disappointing but they don’t have it in them to lose to a team as awful as the Cardinals. Chargers win.

Code Red: Derek Anderson= Less mobile young Jake Plummer. Chargers win.

Chicago @ NY Giants
Code Red: I don't buy that the “desperate” Giants will manage to pull this one out. The Bears are better and should be desperate every fucking week to prove that their start isn't a fluke like last year's 3-1 kick off. Bears win, hopefully big for once.

Iggins!: The Giants have looked terrible the last two weeks and it wasn’t a fluke. Cutler is going to destroy them and the defense won’t allow over 10 points. Bears win big.

New England @ Miami
Iggins!: Good Monday Night games so far this year. Normally this is about the time we see the Cardinals play the Browns or something. The Dolphins will win. I think? I still don’t trust Henne at all. Oh well, go home team! Dolphins win.

Code Red: As much as I hate Chad Henne, he looked damn good against a Jets secondary that’s still above average even without Revis. The Patriots can’t even come close to “above average” in that category, so as long as the Dolphins don’t insist on sticking with the Wildcat even when it’s not working, Henne should lead them to victory. Dolphins win.

Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 5

Standings:
Code Red: 37-16 Overall (20-12 NFL, 17-4 NCAA).
Iggins!: 33-19 Overall (19-13 NFL, 14-6 NCAA).

So we'll see if Iggins! can make up some of those 4 games this week, or if I can begin to bury him early beneath my jackboot. Onto the college picks:

Texas A&M @ Oklahoma State

Code Red: I know nothing about either of these teams except that A&M is coached by Mike Sherman. That's enough to make me pick the Cowboys. OK State wins.

Iggins!: This is a bit of a toss up. I guess A&M almost lost to FIU last week… so yeah. Oklahoma State wins.

Miami @ Clemson

Iggins!: You trying to lure me into picking Clemson? Ain’t gonna happen. Miami wins.

Code Red: It’s worked so many times before. I’m pretty sure my 9 game lead last year was based entirely off of your constant Clemson and Kansas City Chiefs picks. I guess I take Miami too.

Virginia Tech @ NC State

Code Red: NC State is 4-0 and threatening to be a respectable ACC team. That just can't happen. VT gets a measure of redemption here. Hokies win.

Iggins!: VaTech kind of blows. BUT there is an ACC rule that says a team cannot win two big ACC games in a row, and a rule that says Frank Beamer will blow it early and finish strong when it no longer matters… oh well. Fuck VaTech. NC State wins.

Wisconsin @ Michigan State

Iggins!: This pick is entirely based on this game being played at MSU. MSU wins.

Code Red: Bah. John Clay and Scott Tolzien will get the job done. Wisconsin wins.

Texas vs. Oklahoma (Neutral Site)

Code Red: Wow, both of these teams are 1,000 times worse than last year. Oklahoma has the edge on offense. Oklahoma wins.

Iggins!: I don’t think Texas will lose 2 in a row after that ass whooping last week. And Oklahoma is just as bad as Texas, so I’ll say Texas wins.

AZ State @ Oregon State

Iggins!: Oregon State plays the same way VaTech does every year, they lose twice early then by the time they play Oregon they have a shot at the Pac 10 title. Oregon State wins.

Code Red: Pretty much. They always play well in conference. OSU wins.

Washington @ USC

Code Red: My gamble of the week: Jake Locker restores some of the luster by upsetting Kiffykins.Washington.

Iggins!: USC isn’t good, but Washington sucks. USC wins.

Stanford @ Oregon

Iggins!: Harbaugh! Stanford wins.

Code Red: I like your reasoning, and I’ll also add Andrew Luck. Stanford wins.

Florida @ Alabama

Code Red: If Alabama can confound the armcock of my beloved Ryan Mallett, I can't even imagine the hack job they'll do on the Steve Addazio-John Brantley duo. Alabama wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, Bama is going undefeated. Alabama wins.

Penn State @ Iowa

Iggins!: The mystifying Arizona loss notwithstanding, Iowa has been disturbingly methodical in destroying the opposition. PSU has a freshman QB and, in general, they just aren’t as good as Iowa. Iowa wins.

Code Red: Let me rephrase that: the loss to the one quality opponent they’ve faced notwithstanding, they’ve done a good job of beating up a MAC team, Eastern Illinois, and Iowa State. God you’re an undisciplined homer. Penn State does suck, so Iowa will win, but really, “disturbingly methodical in destroying opponents”? Jesus.