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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A New Low

So who is to blame for Sunday night's god awful sackfest? The offensive line (ding ding)? Mike Martz (ding) ? Jerry Angelo (ding ding motherfucking ding)?

No, you fools. Rick Telander has the answer, and it's Jay Cutler's defective pancreas. Yes, Rick Telander is blaming Jay Cutler's diabetes, and even more, he's INDIGNANT that the Bears apparently think this is a stupid thing to suggest (mostly because it's retarded).

Anyway, he's in italics:

You give up something when you live in our socially connected world.

And sometimes you get something taken from you. Like your ability to naturally produce insulin.

Anonymity, freedom, call it what you want.

This is going to be a fucking joy.

So imagine being Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, the most scrutinized person at the most scrutinized position on the most scrutinized entertainment vehicle in Chicago.

When I was 8 years old I was involved in a hit and run accident. Somebody just straight up drilled me with their car, knocked me into a ditch, ruined my brand new bike, and left me there. I walked myself home, bleeding from the top of my skull. My parents took me to the hospital and cat scans revealed a massive concussion. I should state that I don't actually remember any of this, because, well, I was hit by a car and had a massive concussion. I still have frequent headaches and migraines to this day. My point? I know exactly how it feels to be Jay Cutler right now.

Cutler was so badly battered Sunday by the New York Giants that it's a wonder his eyeballs still face forward.

There are sacks and there are sacks, and one of the latter occurred when Giants blitzer Aaron Ross slammed Cutler to the ground less than a minute before halftime. Cutler's head bounced off the turf like a ball off a bat. It was the ninth time Cutler had been sacked, an NFL record for a half.

There are hacks, and there are hacks, like the one's who tell us about how a quarterback was sacked 9 times in a half behind an historically bad offensive line (say what you will, they're on pace to tie the NFL record with 72 sacks in a season) and then are about to try to blame this on his blood sugar level.

Curiously, Cutler stayed in for the next play, even though the Giants futilely called their final timeout. When play resumed, he simply handed the ball to tailback Matt Forte, and the half came to an end.

Okay. He hadn't really talked to anyone yet. Concussions are not ridiculously easy to notice. Hell (WARNING: HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STORY) we had a kid on my team that had one, got up, went to the huddle, broke, and for some reason waited until after the play to remark that he had absolutely no idea where the hell he was. So it's not that mysterious that Cutler stayed in for one last handoff when no one had any idea yet that he was concussed.

The concussion Cutler suffered at some point -- on the last sack or even cumulatively -- is the point at which we want to know something. Maybe it's more than Cutler -- or the Bears -- would like us to know.

What. the. Fuck. Does. This. Mean? Are you trying to say you want to know "at what point" Cutler suffered the concussion? Because if so, you badly botched that. Or are you saying the concussion is "the point" you want to know more about? Jesus Christ, you're awful at your job.

The main question will be answered soon enough: Will Cutler be able to start Sunday against the Carolina Panthers?

So that was your point?

Then there is the question of who failed the most in the disaster: Was it the offensive line, offensive coordinator Mike Martz or head coach Lovie Smith?

You're really not making any kind of argument or anything here. Now you're just listing questions. Weren't you supposed to have "a point"?

Did disease play a role?

No. No it did not. That's an utterly absurd question.

But most important is Cutler himself.

I still don't get what you're trying to say here. The most important question is about Cutler himself? The most important person on the offense is Cutler himself? The person who holds the biggest share of blame is Cutler himself? WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE ANYTHING REMOTELY READABLE?

And a huge question is whether he himself screwed up by not recognizing pass rushes, missing hot reads, moving the wrong way or holding the ball for too long.

Probably. At least a couple times. It happens. To all quarterbacks. Diabetic and non-diabetic ones included. Since the vast majority of quarterbacks are non-diabetic, it stands to reason that DIABETES PLAYS NO FUCKING FACTOR IN THIS YOU TWIT. But alas...

Indeed, there was one sack on which Cutler dropped back, looked downfield, pump-faked ... then was crushed. You don't pump-fake when the hounds are on you.

Cutler was sacked for the first time just 90 seconds into the game. He was sacked for the second time three minutes later.

When did he get dingy?

And there is this: Did his diabetes have anything to do with it?

Dingy? As in: "1. lacking light or brightness; drab 2. dirty; discoloured"? Someone get Rick a new thesaurus. And I'm guessing he got "dingy" somewhere between sack 1 and sack 9. Now, I don't know if you know how diabetes works, but physical contact from other people does not somehow make it better or worse. It stands to reason that if Cutler was tested and was feeling fine before the game, taking a hit from a 290 pound defensive lineman did not knock the insulin out of his veins. It stands to reason because IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE A DIABETIC REACTION TO A FUCKING TACKLE.

That is a very personal question, but it is a valid one for this highly paid athlete.

No, it's not a valid question at all. Not for Jay Cutler, not for any other diabetic. It defies logic and medical science. It's a ridiculous fucking stupid question and I weep that in this economy people with skills and worth to society are struggling to feed their families while you are paid to smear a bunch of shit on a page without any kind of rationale behind it.

It is noble and courageous that Cutler plays pro football at all, let alone stars at the sport, with Type 1 diabetes, a disease that forces him to measure his blood-sugar and insulin levels constantly, even during games.

Oh. My. God. (vomits uncontrollably).

To be slightly off on those levels can cause a diabetic to have blurred vision, reduced reaction time and slight loss of judgment. And who needs total awareness more than an NFL quarterback?

Obviously not a sports columnist for the Chicago Sun Times. You get by just fine with no awareness at all. Also, YOU JUST SAID THEY MEASURE HIS LEVELS DURING THE GAME. So, I'm just going to assume that since they test him, they wouldn't have sent him out onto the field if his levels were dangerously low. And since no one but you is apparently dumb enough to believe that getting sacked can cause your insulin and blood sugar to fluctuate, anyone else could tell you this isn't an issue at all and that you're a god awful excuse for a man.

We largely have forgotten about Cutler's battle with diabetes since he came to Chicago and was very open about his dealings with the late onset of the disease.

We've forgotten about it because it's a private and very manageable condition and it DOES NOT AFFECT HIS PLAY YOU IDIOT.

But it is there. And one can't help but wonder whether the blows to his head, combined with the possible internal effects of diabetes, had anything to do with this horror show.

The blows to his head, yes. The internal effects of diabetes? No. They aren't combined. Because they aren't at all related. You. God. Damn. Idiot.

That he wanted to go back in is irrelevant. Remember that Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten became indignant when he wasn't allowed to re-enter a game against the Bears on Sept. 19, even though he had a concussion.

Irrelevant to what? This isn't a talking point at all. "He wanted to go back in!" is not the defense anyone would have used against this asinine accusation. This paragraph just doesn't belong anywhere, not even in this shit-stained drivel. The rebuttal wouldn't be "he wanted to go back in!" It would be "Rick, you know absolutely nothing about diabetes and sadly even less about football." And then I would kick you in the groin. But I'd give you a candy bar to help with the blood sugar I'd just lowered.

Here is the kicker: Cutler was sacked seven times in the second quarter alone. If that isn't an NFL record, nothing is.

The kicker to what? This doesn't help your argument at all. If you're argument is "diabetes played a factor" then this doesn't help at all. Granted, nothing will, because it's a pathetic and untenable argument, but all this sentence does is provide evidence to EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD who said "hey, Cutler looks out of sorts. Maybe it's because he's GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM." Rather than "I bet he'd have thrown that ball away if he'd eaten a f$%king Snickers bar before this series."

And the rest of this is all drivel about head injuries (is this supposed to be an article about concussions or diabetes or what, Rick?) ending with:

Cutler is paid a lot. He's famous. He dates a beautiful woman. And he gets to do what so many men think they want to do.

But he has some issues right now that the rest of us wouldn't want.

And we'll be finding out what they are.

Well, I certainly wouldn't want hacks like Rick Telander trying to blame me getting my ass kicked behind an awful offensive line on a complete unrelated medical illness of mine. And I love how fucking pompous that last line is. "We'll be finding out what they are!" Rick Telander sees through your facade, Bears organization. He won't rest until you admit that Jay Cutler's diabetes is slowly eating away at him like a modern day Brian Piccolo. Regardless of what you, common sense, or medical science says, Rick knows the TRUTH.

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