Prognostication Bukakke: NCAA Week 11

Standings:
Code Red: 95-52 (55-32 NFL, 40-20 NCAA)
Iggins!: 83-64 (50-37 NFL, 33-27 NCAA)

Yes folks, despite a terrible .500 week in college for me, I added a game over that putz to make it a 12 game lead. I am some kind of golden god. Onto this week's further rapage:

Northwestern @ Iowa
Code Red: Screw it. I'll predict yet another mind-boggling NW win over Iowa. Why not?

Iggins!: I am 95% sure Iowa will lose, but I will pick them because I am not Benedict Arnold. Iowa wins…?

Miami @ Georgia Tech
Iggins!: God the ACC is awful. Miami is down a QB I believe, so I pick the triple option that I hate. Georgia Tech wins.

Code Red: I'll take Miami for funsies. The ACC is crazy.

Virginia Tech @ North Carolina
Code Red: Ha. Two straight ACC games that are completely unpredictable thanks to that entire league being one festering pool of mediocrity. I'll take the Hokies.

Iggins!: North Carolina beat FSU last week because of the ACC Rubber Band Rule, which states that any ranked ACC team will lose to an unranked ACC team. There is always an exception team to the rule, and VaTech is normally that exception. VaTech wins.

Code Red: I actually refer to that as the Gailey-Groh Law of Greater ACC Mediocrity, which stipulates that 80% of the ACC must go 5-7 or 7-5 every year.

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma
Iggins!: Oklahoma isn’t mediocre, they have massive bouts of awesome and massive bouts of total crap in the same game. Maybe their bipolar? Hurray for crazies, Oklahoma wins.

Code Red: I will never pick Texas Tech in an important game. Fuck them for firing Mike Leach. Oklahoma wins.

Georgia @ Auburn
Code Red: Georgia is slowly getting better, but they don't have the defense to stop Cam Newton. Auburn wins.

Iggins!: Simple math tells you that if Cam Newton wins the National Title, and Auburn paid 200 Gs for him, Auburn makes a massive profit. The moral of this story is simple: pay the fucking kids who are making your colleges so much money (or lower my goddamned tuition). Auburn wins.

Texas A&M @ Baylor
Iggins!: It is important not to mistake A&M’s win over Oklahoma as proof that they are good, and equally important that you don’t write Baylor off for getting shellacked by A MAN who is FORTY. Baylor wins.

Code Red: Agreed. Baylor wins.

South Carolina @ Florida
Code Red: Tough call. Florida's looked better since (rumors say) Steve Addazio has started to get some help in the play-calling department, and South Carolina just got thumped by Arkansas. I expect Stephen Garcia to do something crazy and win this game. SC wins.

Iggins!: Florida wins so Gene Chizik can punch Urbz in the face after he beats Florida by 30 in the SEC title game for leaking Cam Newton’s records. In a related story, the SEC churns out enjoyable stories and people at a 10:1 ratio when compared to all other conferences combined.

Mississippi State @ Alabama
Iggins!: This really would be the topper for Saban. This game has a shot at playing out like the 66th (or 69th now?) team in the NCAA tourney field playing in their first NIT game. They didn’t want to be in that position, and most of the team probably couldn’t give less of a shit at this point. I’ll still pick Bama to win but watch this one closely.

Code Red: I'll stick with Bama as well, but MSU is on the rise.

Oklahoma State @ Texas
Code Red: It would be very OK State-like to lose this game. However, Texas is just too awful for me to take a chance. OK State wins.

Iggins!: Schadenfreude in full effect here. OK State wins.

USC @ Arizona
Iggins!: You are in love with USC games. AZ wins.

Code Red: I like reminding people that A) They suck and B)Even if they didn't, they wouldn't get to go to a bowl game. HA! That said, I actually think USC will win this game. Why? I don't know. I'm just going to try and spot you yet another game that you won't end up getting because you suck at life.

Around the NFL Week 9

Chargers 29, Texans 23
Finally the Chargers win a game they should have won. Don't give up 2 TDs on special teams every week and good things will happen. That's in the Bible somewhere.

Vikings 27, Cardinals 24
God dammit. Even a young Jake Plummer wouldn't have blown a 2 TD lead in the 4th quarter to a shitty Vikings team. Fine. Leave it to the Bears to finish the Vikings season.

Saints 34, Panthers 3
The Saints are good. The Panthers are not.

Browns 34, Patriots 14
Oh, sure. 'Cuz that makes sense.

Falcons 27, Buccaneers 21
I still think the Saints are the best team in that division.

Ravens 26, Dolphins 10
The Dolphins. They're mediocre.

Jets 23, Lions 20
The rumor is that Matthew Stafford is done for the season. Honestly, I feel terrible for that kid. He's an amazingly talented player who has a shoulder that just keeps betraying him. Hopefully he'll heal properly and will be ready to go next year and can put all of this behind him.

Giants 41, Seahawks 7
Well, that loss to the Seahawks is looking more embarrassing every week.

Eagles 26, Colts 24
So the Eagles can stop Peyton Manning for four quarters but not Kerry Collins for one? That makes sense.

Raiders 23, Chiefs 20
No, I will not take pity on Raiders fans and be happy that they get to watch a somewhat competitive team for the first time in years. They aren't Lions fans who have borne their pain in silence for half a century. No fanbase in professional football is more delusional than Oakland. No one. Patriots fans, Steelers fans, Packers fans, and Cowboys fans are all annoying as shit, but each of them at least waits until their team is any good before becoming mouth-breathing front-running yokels. Raiders fans do not. They plague every god damn comments section of every article on football on the internet. I actually saw one bastard complaining in the recap of the Chargers game that it was a CONSPIRACY AGAINST RAIDER NATION that the media was still talking about the Chargers when it was clear the Raiders were going to win the division. I hate them all.

Steelers 27, Bengals 21
The Bengals aren't good.

College Football Round Up, Week 10

Michigan 67, Illinois 65
I can't say I'm not disappointed with how Illinois' defense played, but this was a fun game to watch. I'd be more upset if I wasn't just pleasantly surprised with the Illini having five wins already anyway. I still think they can win out and finish the season with 8 wins and a mid-tier bowl slot.

Clemson 14, NC State 13
Put the ACC out of its f&%king misery now.

Iowa 18, Indiana 13
Ahh. That looked like the Iowa team from last year. Underwhelming and ridiculously lucky. If they win the Big Ten I'll have to strangle Iggins! in his sleep.

Oklahoma State 55, Baylor 28
Well shit. I guess you can't expect Baylor to make That big of a leap in one year.

TCU 47, Utah 7
I thought Baylor would lose a close one to TCU. TCU curbstomped them. I thought Utah would play them tight at home. They got their asses handed to them. I'm sorry, TCU. Both that I doubted you and that you still won't get a shot at the title.

Nebraska 31, Iowa State 30
Tough break for Iowa State. Came within one failed two point conversion of beating both Texas and Nebraska in the same year. Would have been the greatest season in Cyclone history, probably.

Oregon 53, Washington 16
Oregon is a murdertrain and you will be ill-advised to get in the way. I don't care how easy their schedule is. SOMEONE should have gotten within 20 points of them by now.

LSU 24, Alabama 21
I may have to concede the LSU is actually on the good side of the lucky/good equation.

Texas A&M 33, Oklahoma 19
Oh what the bloody hell?

Arkansas 41, South Carolina 20
I'm sorry, Ryan Mallett. I will never betray you again. Even though it totally paid off when I picked Auburn.

Texas Tech 24, Mizzou 17
Oh come on, Big 12. You aren't even trying anymore.

Stanford 42, Arizona 17
Stanford has won eight games by an average score of 44-17. They lost to Oregon 52-31. Oregon is really, really good.

That's all for now. NFL Roundup tomorrow, Prognostication Bukakke to come later in the week.

Oh F*&k You, David Haugh

This steaming heap of drivel was brought to my attention yesterday. Some may accuse me of waiting until Cutler had a good game before unleashing my wrath, but I honestly didn't see it last week. I'd have attacked it if I'd seen it then, too, because I don't judge a quarterback on one bad game. David Haugh does, though, and watch him create, dispute, and yet somehow also agree with strawmen that exist nowhere but his own addled mind! He's in italics:

Bears quarterback needs sense of urgency

I think he has one. You should see the look in his eyes as he runs for his life every other snap.

Cutler needs to believe there will be consequences if potential doesn't start getting results.

This is awesome. He's basically saying Cutler doesn't try hard because he doesn't think he's going to get benched anyway. You've hit the nail on the head, Dave. Anyone watching the Bears can see that Effort is what's wrong with Cutler. Not the 300 pound linemen draped over him on every other dropback.

With good humor Wednesday at Halas Hall, Jay Cutler responded to whether Mike Shanahan's 2-minute offense was more strenuous than most. Cutler played three seasons for Shanahan with the Broncos so naturally he could compare.

Thanks for spelling that one out.

"I don't know,'' Cutler said with an actual smile. "You have to ask Donovan (McNabb) if they've changed it from whenever I had it. When I had it, I didn't think it was the most physically exerting thing.''

Ha. McNabb is fat.

For Cutler, a stab at humor represents a 2010 breakthrough. Light-heartedness beats light-headedness any day.

Look. Cutler is a surly motherfucker. No one will deny this. I've seen him on multiple occasions, however, celebrate with teammates, crack jokes, and smile in post game pressers when things have gone well. He looks like shit when things aren't going well and the team loses. I don't fucking blame him. If someone interviewed me ten seconds after a Bears loss I'd probably start ripping out every trachea within reach. I don't care if it's "unprofessional". Jay gets mad when he plays bad and the team loses. My God! What a cancer. This is the same city that ripped Erik Kramer to pieces for laughing on the sidelines after he'd been benched, by the way, and that accused Rex Grossman of apathy because he shook off his poor play so quickly. So no matter which route Cutler takes, he's fucked.

The subject came up because Shanahan made the silly claim he inserted Rex Grossman for McNabb, the Redskins quarterback, with 1 minute, 50 seconds left in Sunday's game in part because of McNabb's conditioning.

Shanahan made the call because McNabb's sucked eggs this year. Rex was surely destined to suck worse, so that was a bad move, but understandable to an extent because, again, McNabb is awful this year with a 57% completion rate, more INTs than TDs and a 76 rating. Now watch as Haugh and his imaginary strawmen lobby for replacing Cutler with McNabb.

But I suppose the better question to Cutler, the one unspoken but apparently obvious to Bears fans based on my inbox, is whether he wants to execute Shanahan's 2-minute drill again as early as next season.

Imagine that. David Haugh got some e-mails from irate meathead fans arguing nonsensically that the starting QB should be traded after a 4 interception game. Surely that's the first time That's happened to him. He should write a column about it, because that's clearly indicative of the way rational human beings are looking at this.

Now is not the appropriate time for Cutler to address any possible reunion with Shanahan in Washington,

Never would be an appropriate time to speculate on that. Because it's a retarded idea and will never occur.

but the idea that so much conversation in Chicago even would broach such trade folly 22 games into Cutler's Bears tenure indicates how quickly this supposed franchise quarterback has worn out his welcome to many.

Oh please. No one is calling for the Bears to trade Jay Cutler now that wasn't calling for them to trade him after the season opener last year. They're called idiots. Reactionary meatheads who can't respond to a bad game with anything but frothing anger. You should know this by now.

I get the hypothetical. I know hometown darling McNabb, the anti-Cutler in terms of charisma, becomes a free agent in 2011 and the Bears desperately need draft picks, which Cutler could bring in return.

If there is anyone who is suggesting that Donovan McNabb, who is 7 years older than Cutler, has a lower passer rating, more interceptions, lower completion %, lower YPA, and lower, well, everything than Cutler, should be the starting QB for the Bears next year at age 35, well, they can kiss my ass. I can't even be professional about that. That's just ludicrously stupid. Also, McNabb has started all 16 games just 4 times in 10 years due to injuries. You think he would survive a month behind the Bears offensive line? Christ. And the Bears desperately need draft picks so that they can draft offensive linemen to protect their franchise quarterback. It doesn't really work if you trade the franchise quarterback to get the linemen to protect the franchise quarterback.

And if the Bears undergo a regime change that likely will occur if they miss the playoffs again, the next GM easily could view Cutler as a toxic influence who killed two coaching tenures.

That guy would be a fucking moron, then. That wouldn't surprise me, because Chicago's front office has always been run by a fucking moron, but still. The Bears were a shitty team before Cutler got here. They've gotten shittier since he's arrived because the offensive line has dissolved and last year the defense was absolutely terrible. Also, Cutler didn't kill Shanahan's coaching tenure in Denver. Perhaps the fact that the team had the 32 RANKED DEFENSE IN THE ENTIRE NFL and blew a 3 game lead by allowing 37 ppg in their last 3 games had something to do with it, since Shanahan was fired for stubbornly refusing to let Bob Slowik, his defensive coordinator, go.

But slow down. Consider any trade would put the Bears back in the spot of looking for a young quarterback to develop skills Cutler already possesses.

Yes, slow down, imaginary people I just made up!

Remember any typical football guy inheriting the Bears roster will look at Cutler's ability to do things only a handful of quarterbacks can do and believe he can be fixed. On film, Cutler's skills can be seductive and his flaws easier to accept.

You know what I see on film? A guy who plays well when he's got time to pass. It's that simple, moron.

That's what made trading for Cutler so exciting. Outsiders often see what they want to see. I did.

I want to see you write something that's not overly simplistic and mindblowingly dumb. I never get to see what I want to see.

I understand now what was less obvious then. Cutler's unrelenting immaturity too often undermines his immense talent.

What has Cutler ever done that actually shows immaturity? Slumping his shoulders? Looking angry on the sidelines? I could understand why you're saying that (I'd still think it was stupid and pointless and had nothing to do with his on field play) if you didn't just present DONOVAN MCNABB, of all people, as the supposed counterpoint:

McNabb, the non Surly Anti-Cutler, seen rallying his teammates on the sideline after his benching.

And when he loses focus, he can lose teammates and games

I'd like to see one quote from one teammate, past or current, who has ever said that he disliked Jay Cutler.

That said, I still wouldn't trade a player the organization guaranteed $20 million who is still young enough to stop all those dreaded comparisons to Jeff George.

"Having fabricated this ridiculously stupid trade proposal out of thin air, I still wouldn't make said idiotic trade."

Okay..this article is really long and I've been ranting. Let's just skip to some good one-liners:

But if there's anybody in the organization interested in salvaging Cutler's final nine games this season, now would be a good time to deliver an urgent message that he must change.

He didn't throw 4 picks this week. Somebody musta told him not to do that. LEADERSHIP!

If Cutler and his Cavallari attitude haven't noticed, this isn't going well.

Awesome. Cutler has a girlfriend, therefore he's distracted. Because this is his sophomore year of fucking high school.

Cutler has been sacked as many times in six games (27) as he was the entire 2007 season.

His fault. He needs to LEAD those linemen.

A terrible offensive line and limited wide receivers give him a ready excuse.

Because they're 90% responsible for his inability to magically win games while planted 6 inches into the turf?

But his mechanics have deteriorated. He has developed sloppy habits and established bad trends. In 22 games with the Bears, Cutler has thrown four or more interceptions three times. He never did that in 37 starts with the Broncos.

Exactly, Cutler needs to stand tall in the pocket, set his feet, and throw. If he ever sees a f&%king pocket again. Hey, look, I can play with funny stats too! In 22 games with the Bears, Cutler has been sacked 4 or more times in a game 7 times! In 37 games with the Broncos, that happened just 3 times. I'm sure that's his fault though.

He plays like someone who either hasn't been coached or is no longer willing to be. So coach him. Challenge him. Force greatness that is there.

Jay. I CHALLENGE YOU TO BE GREAT! Great QBs don't get fazed by things like concussions or an offensive line that can't block Albert Haynesworth with three interior linemen! BE GREAT!

Can you make a quarterback become a leader?

Me? I can't. I'm not really in a position to.

I have doubts Martz can. Martz has made a career out of designing ways to make quarterbacks pile up big numbers. What he has done mostly with Cutler is enlarge his ego. End the bro-mance. A struggling, self-destructive quarterback doesn't need to hear how brilliant he is. He needs to be threatened with his job if he throws four picks again.

Exactly! Then they can put Todd Collins back in. He's a leader!

Sigh. I hate this town.

Bears 22, Bills 19. Chan Gailey is Sad.

Seriously, was there anything more confounding than a franchise in the year 2010 hiring Chan Gailey? Oh. That same franchise hiring Dick Jauron. Fair enough.

Today didn't teach us anything we didn't already know. It probably didn't change your perception of the 2010 Bears at all. Those of us that think this team is more than capable of making the playoffs in a year where mediocrity abounds saw a team that played well defensively and ground out a win on offense against a team that has pushed three straight five win teams to the brink. Others will bemoan a 3 point win against a winless team and continue to forecast doom on the horizon. That's fine.

This game played out pretty much as I expected. The offense continues to be a work in progress, but, while I won't praise them for playing Bear football and maintaining a 50-50 pass-run ratio (because it's pointless when you can't run), they were smart to slow things down and simply avoid turnovers. I've bitched about balance the last two games just like everyone else, but, as a proponent of the pass, I meant more of a 60-40 ratio or even 65-35. Just not 80-20. They need to give Forte more than 8 carries simply to keep Cutler alive. They don't need to run him and Taylor 24 times for 62 yards. The best chance this team has to score points is to throw the ball. They just need to work in a few runs to keep the defense honest. Hopefully they can learn to adjust the gameplan based on how opponents play them during games, rather than stubbornly stick to a preconceived plan of attack, which is what I think they've done for at least the last few weeks.

But, they won, and I was happy with the way in which they did it. You can bitch all you want about playing like this against Buffalo, but the thing I've learned this year is that the Bears are just as capable of beating Buffalo 22-19 as they are of beating the New York Jets 22-19. They do nothing but ugly, and like it or not, they've uglied their way to a victory in 5 of 8 contests this year. Next week they get Minnesota at home, and only a fool would tell you the Vikings aren't beatable. The Bears then go to Miami, where the Dolphins are winless and will struggle to run the ball against Chicago's front 7. They rest of the schedule (Eagles, Lions, Patriots, Vikings, Jets, Packers) consists of teams that, if Cleveland's curbstomping of the Patriots is any indication, are certainly not locks in either category. So...we'll see.

Anywho:

THE GOOD:

Jay Cutler: The numbers aren't impressive, but he did everything he had to do to move the chains, avoid the sacks and interceptions, and managed to get this offense past the evasive 21 point threshold. If Cutler can lead this team to 21 points or more the rest of the way, this team will be in the playoffs. I guarantee it.

The Defense: Yeah, I'd have appreciated it if they could have gotten a few more sacks and ended some drives faster than they did, but Fitzpatrick's 299 yards look less impressive when you note that it took 51 attempts to get there (5.9 YPA) and they forced 3 turnovers. That'll do. The stout run defense held Buffalo to just 46 yards rushing and is now allowing just 83 YPG in that category. If they can keep that kind of effort up against Minnesota and Adrian Peterson next week, you'll see the old Dongslinger just having fun out there and piling up interception after interception.

Izzie Idonijie: Technically part of the defense, yes, but he deserves a shoutout for continuing to take advantage of being the guy opposite of Julius Peppers. He only had half a sack to show for it today, but he was a menace in the backfield all game long.

Earl Bennett: He's been excellent as the slot receiver since his return from injury, and today he had 4 big catches for 52 yards and a TD. (Rick Morrissey impression: AromashoWHO?)

Tim Jennings: Nice pick. Saved the game in a big way.

The Bad:
Frank Omiyale: I was tempted, once again, to just throw the entire offensive line on here as usual, but today I want to single out Frank. The only sack allowed all game? Frank's guy. Cutler's fumble? Frank's guy. Two false starts, one of which helped turn the 3rd and 3 at the 4 yard line into the 3rd and 13 which became the missed Robbie Gould FG? Frank. You suck, fatty.

Tim Jennings: Yes, he was on the good, too, and his pick was huge. And yes, the Cover 2 does dictate that Jennings should allow most of the underneath stuff that he did, but Jesus, how do you allow some guy named Stevie to torch you for 145 yards?

The Fox Crew (again): Jesus. "Here's a guy who's underrated as a coach: Chan Gailey (career NFL coaching record: 18-22). In my mind I think of him as a Norv Turner type." Really? You try to think of someone positive to compare him to you and you come up with NORV TURNER?

Well, that's all for now. Go Bears!

Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 9

San Diego @ Houston
Code Red: At some point , things have to turn around for the Chargers. They have the #1 offense, #1 defense, and the #1 point differential in the NFL. The football Gods aren’t that cruel. Chargers win.

Iggins!: Turnovers and penalties is their problem. The big matchup here is Rivers versus what the Texans call a “pass defense”. I just call it shit. Chargers win.

Chicago @ Buffalo
Iggins!: If Cutler doesn’t bounce back here we can assume he has regressed to last year’s form, and I will start cheering for the Texans and Titans in earnest. But for now ROSE COLORED LENSES BEARS WIN.

Code Red: Mother of God, please don't embarrass us in front of the Canadians. Bears win.

New England @ Cleveland
Code Red: I guess if Cleveland can beat the Saints, anything is possible. I don’t see Brady turning it over 4 times, though, like Breesus did. Patriots win.

Iggins!: The Patriots are infuriatingly consistent. Patriots win.

Code Red: I loathe New England. That said, I would cut off several appendages if the Bears could be run exactly like them.

Arizona @ Minnesota
Iggins!: Guh. What a crappy game. If Tarvaris plays the Vikings will win. As it stands I think Favre will screw the Cards out of a win here. Cardinals win.

Code Red: I'm assuming you meant screw the Vikings out of a win, but damned if I'm going to proofread your shit. The Vikings will win, because Jesus, it would take a lot to lose to Arizona at home.

Miami @ Baltimore
Code Red: Miami has played well on the road, but there’s something about them that I’m just not sure about. Ravens win.

Iggins!: Could be that their passing offense looks good in the stat book, but on the field looks like junk? Or that their run-first offense has a mediocre running game? Ravens win.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Iggins!: It’s time to admit that Tampa is a good team. Unfortunately the Falcons are the best in the NFC. Falcons win.

Code Red: I won't admit that at all. Falcons win.

New Orleans @ Carolina
Code Red: Saints win.

Iggins!: I really hope the Saints win. Saints win.

NY Jets @ Detroit
Iggins!: Stafford upset! Lions win!

Code Red: Umm, no. Jets win.

Kansas City @ Oakland
Code Red: No. Oakland cannot be in contention. I forbid it. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Ah, a classic football game. Two good defenses versus two great running games. The black hole wins it for Oakland. Raiders win.

NY Giants @ Seattle
Iggins!: The damn Giants started their turnaround early this year. Giants win.

Code Red: That pass rush is not kind to people of the quarterback persuasion. Giants win.

Indianapolis @ Philadelphia
Code Red: Is Vick back? Actually, I don’t even think that would make a difference. Colts win.

Iggins!: Yeah Vick is starting, but Kolb should. Actually it doesn’t matter who starts, either way the Eagles are a better team. Eagles win.

Dallas @ Green Bay
Iggins!: HAHA Dallas. Green Bay wins.

Code Red: LOLCowboys. The only thing funnier than their 1-6 record would be them pulling off the upset here. Not going to happen, though. Green Bay wins.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Code Red: Sigh. Poor Bengals. Never going to be good in back-to-back years. Ever. Steelers win.

Iggins!: The sad thing is the Bengals won’t realize they need a new QB for another 4 years. Steelers win.

The Return of Prognostication Bukakke! (Again)

We're back after two weeks off (one unintended) because Iggins! finally got his ass in gear. The cold reality that faces him, however, is this:

Standings
Code Red:80-44 (44-29 NFL, 35-15 NCAA)
Iggins!: 69-55 (40-34 NFL, 29-21 NCAA)

Yes, that's still an 11 game lead. Anyway, onto this week:

Illinois @ Michigan
Code Red: Illinois’ defense can contain Denard Robinson, and Ron Zook has somehow made Rich Rod his bitch. Get it now, Illinois. Get your bowl eligibility sooner rather than later. Illinois wins.

Iggins!: Michigan is in the middle of the RichRod downward spiral, and Illinois is eerily consistent considering… well, that they’re Illinois. Illinois wins.

Baylor @ Oklahoma State
Iggins!: For first place in the Big 12 South! You know it’s a good year of football when Baylor is 6-2. I’ll take Baylor. Baylor wins.

Code Red: 7-2, actually. Make that 8-2. Baylor wins.

TCU @ Utah
Code Red: Sadly, this game will not affect the BCS Championship at all. That said, TCU will win.

Iggins!: Because I desperately need to make up games, I will take the home team ftw. Utah wins.

Code Red: Desperation. It's such a sweet musk.

Colorado @ Kansas
Iggins!: Wow. Talk about things I don’t care about. Colorado wins.

Code Red: Indeed. I guess I'll take Kansas. They really blow, but the kid needs a bone thrown anyway.

New Mexico State @ Utah State
Code Red: There weren’t 10 great matchups this week, so instead of choosing some gimmes or games between middling teams, I chose to go with two games between really awful teams I know nothing about. I’ll pick the Utah State Aggies here, as they’ll destroy their evil doppelgangers, the NM State Aggies.

Iggins!: This is incredible. Utah State wins.

Northwestern @ Penn State
Iggins!: Penn State isn’t good, they just looked good against Michigan. Northwestern wins.

Code Red: Who Doesn't look good against Michigan's defense? NW wins.

Alabama @ LSU
Code Red: The slide truly begins, Les. Bama wins.

Iggins!: Satan versus the guy who made a deal with Satan? Satan (Alabama) wins.

Arkansas @ South Carolina
Iggins!: So South Carolina is still in the driver’s seat to win their division. Spurrierfail time. Arkansas wins.

Code Red: Shit. I hate to pick against Mallett again, but Arkansas' defense can't stop anyone or anything and is practically non-existent against the run. Big game for Marcus Lattimore. South Carolina wins.

Arizona @ Stanford
Code Red: Stanford has looked unstoppable against everyone who isn’t Oregon. I just don’t think Arizona’s defense can slow them down enough, especially not on the road. Stanford wins.

Iggins!: Arizona at home would win this game, but they are much more vulnerable on the road. Against Harbaugh they don’t have a chance. Stanford wins.

Arizona State @ USC
Iggins!: It would please me to see Kiffykins lose here, but after last week’s shellacking I think they’ll bounce back. USC wins.

Code Red: It wouldn't surprise me to see Kiffin lose this, but Arizona State is just so boring and mediocre. USC wins.

Around the NFL, Week 8

I have to say, I was grateful for the Bears' bye this week. God knows that last loss was eye-gougingly awful, and at this point I'm praying that they can avoid the embarrassment of being Buffalo's first win. Hopefully I'll look back at this statement Monday morning and laugh at myself for contemplating joining the DOOM train, but I'm certainly feeling less optimistic about the future of this team than I was before they established the Cutler to Hall connection. Anywho, onto the scores:

Chiefs 13, Bills 10
Bills fans deserve so much better. (Please Jesus don't let it start this week)

Rams 20, Panthers 10
The Rams are respectable. They need a deep threat for Sam Bradford, as his YPA is the only thing lagging behind in his development right now. Other than that, I think they're definitely on the rise, and that division is still open this year, and certainly next year.

49ers 24, Broncos 16
More embarassing, a 45 point loss to the Raiders or any loss at all to Troy Smith? Who cares, because both are hilarious. It's okay, Josh. At least you have guys who are determined to lose as a team.

Lions 37, Redskins 25
I actually called this. The Redskins are not good. They've been outscored on the season. They've been outgained in every single game. They have the second worst defense, yardage wise, in the NFL. They have a flukey +8 turnover differential and that's the only reason they aren't 0-7. Yes, I'm just venting because Jay Cutler handed them a win last week. God Dammit.

Packers 9, Jets 0
Oh F*&K you, Rico Mirerez. You picked an awesome f*&king week to rear your ugly head again. Eat. A. Dick.

Dolphins 22, Bengals 14
Yes, it's another Bengals loss directly attributable to Carson Palmer's failures as a QB. Sadness.

Jaguars 35, Cowboys 17
Oh man, the Cowboys are awful.

Chargers 33, Titans 25
Tennessee loses every time they seem to have a golden opportunity to gain ground in that division.

Buccaneers 38, Cardinals 35
I had only one thought in my head watching Derek Anderson throw an interception in the red zone despite being in chip shot range for the tying FG: Young. Jake. Plummer.

Patriots 28, Vikings 18
I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, New England. Of all of the painful and hilarious losses the Vikings have suffered this year, you are the only ones who appear to have sent them into complete and total organizational fucktardery. Cutting Randy Moss without informing the owner? Brilliant, Brad Childress. I feel like a barbarian king laughing while Rome burns to the ground.

Raiders 33, Seahawks 3
There's so much in the world that doesn't make sense. Oakland winning 92-17 over the last two weeks is one of them.

Saints 20, Steelers 10
Well played game by the Saints. I think they're gonna be okay.

Colts 30, Texans 17
The Texans actually look worse than last year. They just can't seem to get Schaub and Foster clicking at the same time. Disappointing.

College Football Round Up, Week 9

NC State 28, Florida State 24 and Virginia 24, Miami 19
I'm only addressing these games because the ACC and Big East now suck enough that you may be staring at the very real prospect of an NC State-Syracuse matchup in the Orange Bowl. The horror.

Illinois 44, Purdue 10
Holy shit. Illinois is...good.

Tulsa 28, Notre Dame 27
Hahahaha. Notre Dame sucks.

Iowa 37, Michigan State 6
I had hoped MSU would win this game. I really thought Iowa would win it. I did not expect a raping entirely uncharacteristic of a Ferentz team, as they typically prefer to win games in the turf-grinding, eye-fucking fashion. This was just an ass-whupping of epic proportions. Always a bridesmaid, Sparty. Always a bridesmaid.

Nebraska 31, Mizzou 17
This doesn't surprise me at all. I wish I could fathom how Texas beat Nebraska.

Baylor 30, Texas 22
Baylor is 7-2. Odd.

Stanford 41, Washington 0
Jake Locker, I'll see you in the 3rd round of the draft.

Oregon 53, USC 32
I've never really cared about Oregon one way or the other, but I can't help but stare slack-jawed as they perfect the spread-option like never before.

Not So Fast, Mikey.

You remember Michael Silver, right? Just a few weeks ago he said the following:

"the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia"

And then Silver predicted that an invigorated Vikings team would then turn their season around. Of course they didn't, because they suck. Now in this week's article,entitled "Favre, Vikes Firmly Pressed Against the Ropes" Silver totally ignores his previous drooling schlobfest over Favre (one that occurred less than a day after Favre cost the Vikings a win over the Jets with a pick six) and tries to toot his own horn as THE MAN WHO SAW THIS COMING:

"If you’re starting to get the feeling that this is a lost season for a franchise clearly governed by a championship-or-bust mentality in 2010 – and yes, some of us saw this coming – that’s a distinct possibility. "

That link goes to an article this summer where Silver, yes, correctly predicted most of the problems the Vikings have had this year. I said the same things before this season. The difference between Mike Silver and myself is that I didn't completely reverse course and throw on the kneepads for Brett Favre the second he made two good passes against the Jets. If Silver had just stuck with his preseason statements he'd be looking pretty damn smart right now, but you do NOT earn an "I Told You So" just two weeks after penning the most pathetic piece of Favre worship I've seen this season ("Sure, he cost them the game, but he did it WITH MAGIC").

Also, read the following:

"On a day when Favre confounded skeptics in his own organization by starting a record 292nd consecutive game despite being hobbled by a pair of small but debilitating fractures in his left foot – and was surprisingly mobile and effective against a well-equipped opponent – the legendary passer was unable to finish, thanks to Pryor’s perfectly legal hit."

Favre didn't confound any skeptics. I'm a Favre skeptic. I've made it a fucking cottage industry since he started coasting on his own legend and failing miserably and hilariously in the playoffs every year since 1997. You know what I expected him to do last week? Play. The man is never as fucking injured as he claims. He's just not. He's the only player in the NFL who goes out onto the field every week protected by shoulder pads, an offensive line, the media, and the built-in escape pod that is his myriad of exaggerated or non-existent injuries. Ol' Brett throw another goddang interception? GRAB THE ELBOW, BRETT. LET THEM SEE YOUR PAIN. Fumble the ball after a sack? HOBBLE OFF LIKE THAT ANKLE HAS GONE GANGRENOUS. Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber ranted beautifully against this last week, so I won't go into further detail, but the only thing "confounding" about Favre playing last week is the fact that, once again, the media fell for his stupid fucking act. Favre isn't the magical healer he claims to be. He's not Wolverine. Some injuries are incapable of healing as fast as he claims, regardless of what anyone said. The reason Favre moved "surprisingly well" is because his ankle injury wasn't debilitating. Period.

Need something else to piss you off about the Favre injury charade? Check out this quote from last week:

“I’ve always had a knack for healing, I think, quicker than maybe most people,” said Favre, who has started 291 consecutive regular-season games. “And mentally … I know that I’ve been able to play with different types of injuries that most people probably wouldn’t have attempted.”

Bravo, sir. Bravo. This is some excellent solipsistic shit here, people. This man is excellent at self-fulfilling prophecies. Exaggerate your injuries, stress over and over again how much they hurt and how unlikely you are to play, then play. Regardless of how well you play or not you will be praised simply for playing, even though the only reason there was ever a doubt as to whether or not you would even play was because you yourself planted it. The best part? You can then take comfort in and even brag about your ability to play through more made up injuries than any other player in history. Bravo.

God I hate you, Brett Favre. You too, Silver.

Apologies

No, there was no Prognostication Bukakke this week. I'm not one to throw people under the bus, but let's just say that of the two of us that do it, I was not the one who failed to get his picks in on time.

We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming on Monday.

Around the NFL, Week 7

Chiefs 42, Jaguars 20
I'm actually going to be bold here and state that the Chiefs will win the AFC West. I actually don't know if that's a bold statement anymore.

Titans 37, Eagles 19
Sure, there are more embarrassing things than allowing Kerry Collins to lead a 27 point 4th quarter comeback. Damned if I can think of them off the top of my head, though.

Ravens 37, Bills 34
God Dammit. Of course the Bills are approaching not-entirely-incompetent status just as they become the Bears next opponents. It's sad that I can't even count a win over Buffalo as a sure thing.

Browns 30, Saints 17
This score says everything you need to know about the NFC, actually.

Falcons 39, Bengals 32
Every time I give up on Carson Palmer, he has a great game. And yet every time he has a great game, the Bengals lose. You anger me, unknowable Gods of football.

Steelers 23, Dolphins 22
I don't believe there's a giant NFL conspiracy to aid the Steelers. That doesn't mean it doesn't boil my blood whenever they win with the help of iffy officiating. Or without it.

Panthers 23, 49ers 20
Again, I'm still grateful, now that the Fire Lovie hubbub has returned in earnest (and yes, I'll probably hop on board again if this thing's still going south in a few weeks), that no one will be lobbying for Mike f*&king Singletary and his pants-dropping, meathead-pandering methods of "coaching."

Buccaneers 18, Rams 17
Raheem Brock says the Bucs are the best team in the NFL. That's total bullshit, but Josh Freeman is going to be a star.

Seahawks 22, Cardinals 10
Well, at least I won't have to hear about how Max Hall "fumbles like a leader" this week, with him going 4-16 and being benched for the return of Derek Anderson, who did nothing to keep Cardinals fans from pining even for the second coming of a young Jake Plummer.

Patriots 23, Chargers 20
San Diego is not very good.

Raiders 59, Broncos 14
Hahahahaha. Oh God. Hahahahaha. This can't get any less funny. Nothing like a FORTY-FIVE POINT beatdown at home at the hands of your most-bitter rivals (who, mind you, have been the NFL's 2nd worst franchise since 2003) to turn an entire fanbase against you, Josh. I also enjoyed Mark Kiszla, Denver's answer to Rick Morrissey, blaming this loss somehow on Kyle Orton and calling for the inevitable failure of Tim Tebow's career to begin sooner rather than later. Comedy gold, folks, all of it.

Packers 28, Vikings 24
Logic should have dictated that I root for the Vikings in this game, ensuring the Bears sole possession of first place for yet another week, but fuck that. God I enjoy watching Brett Favre fail miserably. It's so fucking delicious. If I could somehow turn the feeling I get watching Brett Favre fail into a liquid that I could distill, then age in a nice oak barrel, then bottle and sell a few years down the road it would become the world's most popular spirit. Also, as much as I think Brad Childress is a pathetic excuse for a man and that he totally deserves this for selling out his soul to get Favre, it was awesome to see him nail Favre in the post-game presser.

Giants 41, Cowboys 35
Wow, the Cowboys are royally, royally boned. It should be fun to watch Jon Kitna lead them to 3-13 in a year where they expected to play for the Superbowl in their own stadium. Oh, and the Giants are really good at murdering quarterbacks. I admire that.

College Football Roundup, Week 8

Oregon 60, UCLA 13
My God, what would happen if Oregon played Texas? Also, as much as my hatred of the BCS would seem to require me to root for Boise State in the title game, just to bring wrath upon the system, I can't say there's a game that would be more entertaining than Oregon-Auburn.

Navy 35, Notre Dame 17
This is just your weekly reminder that Notre Dame blows just as much as it has, regardless of head coach, since the early 90s. When you've won as many bowl games in the last 15 years as Illinois, you, sir, are not a great football program, no matter what you tell yourself and your fanbase.

Virginia Tech 44, Duke 7
Virginia Tech has, as usual, wormed its way back into the rankings after two brutal losses to start the season, and will now undoubtedly go on to win the ACC, just because it's fitting that that conference's champion will have been beaten by James Madison.

Michigan State 35, Northwestern 27
Oh, Northwestern. Every time I think you aren't Northwestern, it turns out that you, in fact, still Northwestern. Funny how that works.

Illinois 43, Indiana 13
The scary thing about this Illinois team is that they've won all of the games I expected them to win and have lost all of the games I expected them to lose. In a year where number one continues to fall and chaos reigns supreme, it should be the scariest sign of the apocalypse that a Ron Zook team is playing consistent and fundamentally sound football.

Iowa State 28, Texas 21
Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Wisconsin 31, Iowa 30
Another disturbing (and yet oh so funny) sign of the College Football Apocalypse: a Kirk Ferentz team has now lost two games thanks to poor offensive line play, shoddy defense, terrible special teams, and appalling clock management.

Nebraska 51, Oklahoma State 41
I just don't f*&king get you, Nebraska.

Auburn 24, LSU 17
Mercifully, LSU's inexplicable winning streak ends. Not with a bang, but with the giant bulk of a Cameron Newton Death Train pummeling them into the ground for 217 yards rushing. Now that Denard Robinson has come back to earth, I'd have to make Newton my Heisman favorite.

Missouri 36, Oklahoma 27
Well, that was somewhat surprising, but not really? The Big 12 blows. Your updated conference ratings:

Obligatory but still probably true: SEC
Surprisingly Revived: Big Ten
Good at Face Value, but Not Fond of Defense: Pac 10
Total Fucking Wastelands: Big 12, Big East, ACC

Baylor 47, Kansas State 42
I'm just putting this here to congratulate Baylor on ensuring their first bowl bid since 1994. Robert Griffin is awesome. If they beat Texas this weekend I will laugh heartily and place the Bears in the slot of Favorite Big 12 Team that Texas Tech vacated by unjustly firing Mike Leach. Fuck you, Texas Tech.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke will be back this week and should be up tomorrow.

Weary

I'm going to begin this screed by stating that Seattle is just as gray and cold as every hack comedian ever joked about it being. I spent five days freezing my ass off and my reward, while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight home, was to watch 3 quarters of that disaster yesterday. By the time I got to my connecting flight in Minneapolis a migraine had begun. I fully intended to do this recap last night, but my first move after getting out of the car was to vomit, swallow some ibuprofen, and slide into bed just after watching Al Michael's prematurely splooge over another AMAZIN FAVRE KUMBACK (ignoring of course his 3 interceptions, which, despite Jay's bad game, I'm still allowed to laugh at because Lord Favreicus now has 14 turnovers and a 68.0 rating, well below the 84.7 Jay's sporting even after yesterday's debacle) before the TD was overruled.

When I woke up this morning I hoped I'd feel better. Physically, I do, since I no longer want to drill a spike into my skull in order to let the pain demons out, but I still have no answers regarding yesterday's game.

Everything I said last week still applies. The Bears still stand in first place. Their two biggest rivals in the division are still sporting as many holes as they are. Aaron Rodgers actually has more interceptions than Jay this year. The Vikings suck. The NFC as a whole is still a fetid lagoon of shit, driven home by the fact that New Orleans can, over the course of three weeks, lose to the Cardinals and Browns thanks to 7 Drew Brees interceptions while pounding the Bucs (who are tied for the NFC South lead in the loss column) by 25 points. The Bears are still, as bad as this game feels, well within the playoff hunt.

Buuuut...Jesus Christ that hurt. Yesterday was the first time since he arrived that I truly felt that Jay Cutler was a liability at quarterback for the Chicago Bears. Now, unlike every mouth-breathing hilljack that likes to view Jay as the cause of all ills in Bears land, I don't think his first multi-interception game since last November really disqualifies him as a legitimate NFL quarterback. But you'd have to be an even more pathetic Jay Cutler apologist than I (and no such beast exists) to lay the blame for yesterday's loss on anyone but #6's shoulders. The Bears defense was not going to allow any points in that second half. It wasn't going to happen. Cutler could have taken a knee on every drive in the second half and won that game. When you lose a game like that, it fucking hurts and those ARE the kinds of games where you have to turn to the quarterback first when assessing the damage. Sorry, Jay. Don't let it happen again. There's more than enough time to dig yourself and your team out of this hole.

As for the rest of the team? Hester and Knox gave me some rather terrifying flashbacks to last year's rookie-like experience for both of them. Troy Aikman wanted to give them the blame for two of those four picks, and while I'd normally jump on the chance to exonerate Jay, it wasn't their fault that Jay threw it to DeAngelo Hall. Both were poor decisions, but they wouldn't have hurt as badly if Hester and Knox had come back and helped Jay out. He didn't give them the greatest chance, but they should have done more.

Matt Forte and Chester Taylor actually ran the ball well once Martz figured out how to move the ball in the short-passing game. I hope this plan of attack carries over. The quick hits killed the pass rush, opened holes for the running game and eventually opened things up for Mike's beloved deep ball. Martz actually called a pretty good game after the first quarter. Jay just can't do what he did. Forte's fumble was inexcusable, however, and I wish I knew why his hands have turned to stone after he was excellent protecting the ball his rookie year.

As for the defense? They're the only reason I'm still somewhat on the positive side of the ledger when assessing this team's playoff chances. They aren't a mirage. Troy Aikman made me LOL yesterday while saying that the Redskins defense wasn't as bad as their numbers because they've played quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo, then he stated that the Bears' defensive numbers were a mirage because everyone but the Lions and the Panthers have "moved the ball well" against them. Could that be because they played quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo, Troy? Also, holding the Lions to 168 yards of total offense is no laughable feat anymore. In their other 5 games against opponents who aren't the Bears the Lions have averaged 26.4 PPG and 371 yards of total offense. They're actually really good on that side of the ball, surprising as that may be. This defense absolutely dominated the Redskins yesterday, and it's tragic that their efforts were rewarded in such a way. If the Bears defense continues to allow just 14 PPG (which is what their opponents have scored if you take away the Dez Bryant punt return TD in Dallas and the Hall pick-six yesterday), they're going to be in every game the rest of the way. This offense is capable of moving the ball like they did in the 2nd and 3rd quarter with consistency. If they can find away not to fuck away every god damn opportunity in the red zone they can probably scrape out the 20 or 21 PPG they'll need to make the playoffs in this wasteland of a conference. That's still a big fucking if.

Around the NFL, Week 6

Eagles 31, Falcons 17
I'm not necessarily surprised that the Eagles won this game, but I am surprised at the fact that Atlanta's defense had such a poor performance. That had been their most consistent unit this season. Of course, Atlanta's loss just further drives home the point that the NFC is wide open.

Steelers 28, Browns 10
Roethlisberger had 3 TDs in his return (not that they really count against Cleveland), but I was more impressed with Colt McCoy's rather not-godawful numbers. Despite five sacks the kid completed nearly 70% of his passes for 281 yards and a TD. He had two interceptions, but an 80.5 rating in your first career start is impressive anytime, especially against Pittsburgh.

Dolphins 23, Packers 20
Finally, the Packers fans have shut the hell up. God bless you, Miami.

Giants 28, Lions 20
The Lions lost Shaun Hill to injury, thus forcing them all the way down to their third string QB as they earned loss number 5. Oh, you poor unfortunate franchise.

Saints 31, Bucs 6
There we go.

Rams 20, Chargers 17
My God, the Chargers (and their entire division) suck.

Texans 35, Chiefs 31
I'm sorry, but all I can really take from this game is that Houston's secondary is bad enough to allow Matt Cassel to complete 20 of 29 for 3 TDs. SHAME.

Patriots 23, Ravens 20
While I hate the Patriots more than the Ravens (but make no mistake, I loathe the Ravens), I have to admit that Tom Brady's line after the game that the Ravens "talk alot for beating us once in 9 years" was pretty damn funny, since no one has more of an undeserved sense of accomplishment in the NFL than the Ravens. I still can't figure out why they're considered an "elite" organization in the ranks with the Steelers, Colts, and Patriots when those teams have averaged 10, 11, and 11 wins per year respectively, while all three have made at least two appearances in the Superbowl and have 1 or more Superbowl wins, while the Ravens have missed the playoffs 40% of the time, have averaged 9 wins a season, and have only made it as far as the AFC Championship game Once since they won the Superbowl in 2000. They're certainly in the top ten teams of this decade, but outside of Ray Lewis no one on that team can ever claim to have accomplished something close to what the Patriots have done.

49ers 17, Raiders 9
Both of these teams are really bad. The sad thing is that it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility for either of them to make the playoffs in their divisions (although the 49ers appear to be in more dire straights than the Raiders even with this victory).

Jets 24, Broncos 20
In 22 games under Josh McDaniels, the Broncos are 10-12. That's not too bad until you realize they're 4-12 in their last 16 games. Then it's hilarious.

Vikings 24, Cowboys 21
So the Vikings beat a 1-3 team that committed 11 penalties, threw 2 interceptions, received a questionable PI call, and dropped what would have been another Favre pick-six, and I'm supposed to begin trembling that "this is the week that the comeback began!" I'll believe it when the Vikings can gain more than 188 yards of total offense.

Colts 27, Redskins 24
Indy fumbled 3 times in a desperate attempt to give the Redskins a game that the Colts should have run away with. I find that kind of charity admirable, but they alas, they didn't finish the job.

Titans 30, Jaguars 3
Vince Young got hurt and Kerry Collins managed the Titans (he had just 110 yards passing) to a 27 point win, so I'm going to assume Jeff Fisher will heap all of the credit on Kerry and go home and pray that VY's knee injury is season-ending.

Also, I will be out of town for the rest of the week starting tomorrow, so I'll be taking a few days off, meaning no prognostication bukakke this week. It's not like it would matter, because Iggins! couldn't gain one damn game in a week when I picked both Illinois AND Texas A&M. My lead still stands at 11. Anywho, sorry to disappoint, but I'll be back on Sunday night with my (hopefully positive) commentary on the game against the Redskins. See ya.

Around College Football, Week 7

Michigan State 26, Illinois 6
I have to say that this game was much closer than the final score indicated. If Nathan Scheelhaase had any ability to pass Illinois may have been in line for the upset. Either way, I still like the Illini's chances to make it to a bowl this year since their running game and defense are legit. Oh, and Michigan State may win the Big Ten (starts stocking bomb shelter).

Iowa 38, Michigan 28
This game played out exactly the way I expected it to. You are who I thunk you was, Michigan.

Texas 20, Nebraska 13
Oh what the fuck? God damn you, Nebraska. When you have a chance to sink Texas' season into the abyss you PULL THE GOD DAMN TRIGGER.

Auburn 65, Arkansas 43
Holy shitballs. Did you watch this game? The beloved armcock of Ryan Mallett went down and yet his backup, a young lad also trained in the QB arts by Bobby Petrino (love him or hate him, he knows the passing game), threw for 4 TDs and yet lost the game by 22 points because Auburn is just a relentless juggernaut on offense that will run some combination of the same five plays and you will not stop them because Cam Newton is big and fast and well, that combination is the most effective one in football.

Kentucky 31, South Carolina 28
God dammit. I wanted so badly to pick Kentucky in this game. Absolutely nothing about this surprises me. South Carolina will never allow itself to win an SEC title. Ever. I'm also not surprised that Steve Spurrier decided to take a chance on a fade into the end zone than just moving the ball a few more yards and kicking the FG for overtime. I'm least surprised that Stephen Garcia was intercepted. The more goodwill that kid earns with his 3 TD passes in quarters 1-3, the more he works to fuck it away in quarter 4.

Wisconsin 31, Ohio State 18
Boom. Called it.

Washington 35, Oregon State 34 (2OT)
This game was fun to watch. Jake Locker finally looked like the guy people thought he'd be, as he had 5 TD passes. Oregon State followed the unwritten football rules and went for the 2 PT conversion and the win on the road and came one dropped pass shy of getting it. Tough break, Beavers.

Listen Up, Assholes.

I'm angry. Mostly because the Bears lost, yes, because I am a football fan and whenever my team loses I feel like punting kittens into oncoming traffic. But also because I hate this pantywaist fanbase with every fiber of my being. If the Bears fans I've talked to today are any indication (and I'm assuming they are because wild and over-reaching assumptions are my right as a blogger), people are losing their fucking minds over this loss like it means anything.

So here's what I have to say about the naysayers who cannot sit back and enjoy this f*&king football team:

Platonic ideal football teams don't exist.

The Bears aren't a great team. Hell, by most year's standards they may not even be good at all. But look around. This is a deeply flawed division in a deeply flawed conference in a mostly flawed NFL. I don't know who pissed in the well of excellence this offseason but nobody's too eager to take a drink. The Bears, Falcons, Saints, Eagles, and Giants have the best record in this conference. The Falcons have as many "questionable" wins as the Bears do. The Saints just got their asses handed to them by the Cardinals and (sorry TEC) those guys suck. The Giants are exceptionally fond of playing only half a season every year. The Eagles have an offensive line only marginally better than the Bears. This is a shitty year. The Bears are right there at the top of the least shitty pile.

Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Bears are in first place in their division. People keep waiting for the Packers and Vikings to pull their heads outta their asses but the fact of the matter is that Green Bay is a MASH unit that was never as good as they believed themselves to be when they were healthy, and Minnesota has a shitty old quarterback who finally won a game by not throwing the God damn ball. I'm not ruling out the possibility that either of those teams could straighten it out and beat the Bears. I'm not ruling out the possibility that the Bears will fuck this away. But the fact of the matter is that neither of those teams are the sleeping giant that the pathological inferiority complex bred into Chicago fans has people thinking they are.

Here's what we do know: The Bears are 4-2. This is good for a stand-alone claim to first place as well as a tie for the conference lead. Next week they may lose. It's theoretically possible they may win. Until they don't, I'm not panicking. Because I live in the present. People in football want to predict the future and it's stupid. Maybe for the media it makes some sense, because they're supposed to be detached from the teams they cover, but I'm not. I'm attached. I enjoy watching the Chicago Bears play football. Most years they've spoonfed me a rancid puddle of feces and I've been disappointed. Some years they haven't. This year they've won more than they've lost and are in first place. I'm going to enjoy it. Those of you telling me that they aren't going to finish in first place because they don't look like a mythical "contender" can kiss my ass. If your goal is, at the end of the year, to take comfort from a shitty Bears season by showing off that you, Joe Q. Asshole, were smart enough to see through the bullshit and knew they sucked, congratulations. All you've done is prevent yourself from deriving any kind of enjoyment from the sport of football. I pity you.

The Bears have the Redskins next. That's a winnable game. Then they have a bye where they can hopefully get some God damn plan figured out with that awful offensive line. Then they have @Bills, Vikings, @Dolphins, Eagles, @Lions, Patriots, @Vikings, Jets, @ Packers. The only one of those I'd feel comfortable predicting a loss to is the Jets. I wouldn't be shocked if they won that game though, because that's how the NFL works. Good teams lose to less good teams and sometimes even bad teams. Every one of those teams has flaws that the Bears are capable of exploiting. I still think they'll win enough of them to win this division. If they don't, fuck you.

Anyway:

THE GOOD:
-Johnny Knox: Great job, kid.
-Devin Hester: We missed you.

THE BAD:
-The Defense: Sorry guys, for the first time you make it here. Losing Briggs hurts, but you can't let an aging Hasselbeck shred you like that.

-Mike Martz: Well, this is the Bad Martz that I ranted against last year when his hiring was first announced. There's no excuse possibly at all for dropping Cutler back 47 times and only having 14 attempts rushing. None. I'm not foolish enough to think that the great rushing totals they racked up last week could be repeated week in and week out, but there was absolutely no fucking intent whatsoever to make the Seahawks respect the run. Nothing at all to slow down the pass rush that got to Cutler six times. This was atrocious. Cutler was off all day (although his deep ball was certainly there) but that's understandable given that he was coming back from a concussion. What's not understandable is why Martz did nothing to settle him in or work out any kind of sustained drive. Abominable playcalling.

Well, that's where we stand. The Bears are still all alone in first place, call me when they aren't and I'll come up with a new reason to call you all idiots.

Prognostication Bukakke NFL Week 6

San Diego @ St. Louis
Code Red: I'm going to go with San Diego, because that's the safe bet, but I'm not going to bat an eye if they fumble 17 times or give up 3 return TDs and lose.

Iggins!: San Diego has betrayed me over and over this year, but I can’t pick an NFC West team. San Diego wins.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Iggins!: What the fuck, New Orleans? Do Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush mean that much to you? I hope for your sake you don’t lose here. New Orleans wins.

Code Red: They really, really need to get some kind of run game going. Just enough to give Breesus an opportunity to throw the deep ball again. Saints win, I hope.

Detroit @ New York Giants
Code Red: The Lions will be the best 1-5 team in the league. Giants win.

Iggins!: The Giants are the Oregon State of the NFL. They dig themselves a hole and climb out of it just in time to lose to Oregon at the end of the year. Giants win.

Code Red:...exactly.

Miami @ Green Bay
Iggins!: Matt Flynn is in? Packers suck. Miami wins.

Code Red: Matt Flynn is probably in because Aaron Rodgers is probably out, Clay Matthews is possibly out, and Jermaine Wiggins, Nick Barnett, Morgan Burnett, Al Harris, and Atari Bigby are all definitely out. Oh, Green Bay, I love to watch you burn. Miami wins.

Seattle @ Chicago
Code Red: I really hope that Seattle's rather porous defense will allow Edwin Williams and J'Marcus Webb another week to acclimate themselves to game conditions, and, if this is the week Chris Williams returns, help him ease back into the lineup as well. Cutler's return should revive the passing game, obviously, but I also hope Martz remains more than reluctantly committed to the run. If the Bears can run even half as well as they did against the Panthers teams will begin to call off the dogs on the pass rush. Anyway, Bears win.

Iggins!: Cutler is back… and Seattle has the 31st ranked pass defense in the NFL… I think we may set a record for fewest rushes by a team in a game. Bears win.

Baltimore @ New England
Iggins!: God, do they play this game every year? So fucking boring. I’ll take the home team, but don’t underestimate the loss of Randy Moss. Patriots win.

Code Red: I'll overestimate the loss of Randy Moss and I'll take the Ravens. The Patriots secondary is still shitty enough to be exploited by Joe Flacco.

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Code Red: I never really liked Colt McCoy at Texas, but I felt genuinely sorry for the kid when he got injured in the title game last year. Not as sorry as I'm going to feel watching the Steelers murder him, though. Pittsburgh wins, and it's going to be very, very ugly.

Iggins!: Mike Wallace fantasy owners rejoice. Steelers win.

Kansas City @ Houston
Iggins!: My darling Texans need to realize that going down by 21 points early means that, even if you have a great running game, the opposition can pass rush the rest of the game. Won’t make a difference here, because KC can’t score! Texans win.

Code Red: The Texans will win here, and lose next week, probably.

Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Code Red: Again, I'm sure the Falcons will get their fifth straight unimpressive win and the media will continue to laud them while damning the Bears for only beating the Seahawks by ten or something. Falcons win.

Iggins!: Shady will CRUSH THEM. Eagles win.

New York Jets @ Denver
Iggins!: This will be the game where everybody realizes Orton is still Orton. Jets win.

Code Red: Give it up, friend. I've wasted enough breath showing why Orton is still Orton. Jets win.

Oakland @ San Francisco
Code Red: Having ranted against Singletary I'll now pick his team to get their first win of the year, because losing this game seems like something Oakland would do. 49ers win, but they still blow.

Iggins!: I wanted to pick the Raiders last week and didn’t. I won’t make the same mistake twice. Raiders win.

Dallas @ Minnesota
Code Red: Two overhyped 1-3 teams with glaring holes everywhere face off to determine who will drop to an inescapable 1-4 hole and who will still suck at 2-3. I think the Cowboys have looked much competent in their 3 losses than the Vikings have, so I'll pick them and bask in the schadenfavre.

Iggins!: The Cowboys have by far looked like a better team, and hopefully Favre’s streak ends because he goes to jail as a sex offender. Now THAT’S schadenfavre. Cowboys win.

Indianapolis @ Washington
Iggins!: This game’s total score will approach 100. Redskins win.

Code Red: I bet the combined score won't even reach 50. Neither team has lit up the scoreboard yet and both have struggled to take the pressure off of their QBs with the run game. Colts win.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
Code Red: Why is this a Monday Night game? These teams were both mediocre last year. The Titans have hope this year, sure, but..guh. I guess I'll take VY and the Titans, although that always chaps my ass.

Iggins!: Last week I didn’t pick Vince and the gods burned my ass. Never again, VY. Titans win.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 7

Last week was my least productive this season, as I went just 5-5 in the NCAA and 8-6 in the NFL, but Iggins! was kind enough to suck even more than that, as his 4-6 and 6-8 week has now graced me with an 11 game lead.

Standings:
Code Red: 66-34 (36-24 NFL, 30-10 NCAA)
Iggins: 55-45 (31-29 NFL, 24-16 NCAA)

Onto this week's picks:

Illinois @ Michigan State
Code Red: Michigan State looks very good this year, and this game is on their home turf, but I have an 11 game lead and we'll see if I can pull one outta my ass for the Illini two weeks in a row. Illini win.

Iggins!: Christ almighty let me win one of these games. Michigan State wins.

Iowa @ Michigan
Iggins!: Michigan is who we thought they were: a shitty team with a great QB. Iowa can handle that even better than MSU did. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I really hate when his unabashed homerism coincides with actual logic. Iowa wins.

Texas @ Nebraska
Code Red: Nebraska is 1) much, much better and 2) out for revenge for that miserable rigged play clock during the Big 12 Championship game last year. Nebraska wins, bloodily.

Iggins!: Nebraska has a very good shot at going unbeaten. Nebraska crushes.

California @ USC
Iggins!: I really want to see Kiffykins fail but Cal just isn’t a good football team, and after two straight losses at the buzzer I think USC wants blood. USC wins.

Code Red: Cal is a mystery. I guess I'll go with USC, since they're still going to lose to Oregon State, Oregon, and Arizona.

Missouri @ Texas A&M
Code Red: I picked this game because Missouri is apparently ranked and because I enjoy any reason to watch the chaos that is a Jerrod Johnson-led offense. I'll roll with J-Rod's madness this week. Texas A&M wins.

Iggins!: I just hate A&M so much. Missouri wins.

South Carolina @ Kentucky
Iggins!: It would be very like South Carolina to lose here, but I’ll ride their bus for now. South Carolina wins.

Code Red: It's true. South Carolina's disposition toward batshit-crazy extends to their football programs as well (both South Carolina and Clemson lose a million games a year that they shouldn't). I just can't pick Kentucky. SC wins.

Baylor @ Colorado
Code Red: This week has some marquee matchups at the top, but man I was really scraping the barrel to get to ten. I'll go with Baylor and Robert Griffin III.

Iggins!: WOW. Baylor vs. Colorado? Jesus. Baylor by 30.

Arkansas @ Auburn
Iggins!: DIE CAM NEWTON DIE. Arkansas wins.

Code Red: I don't get this kid's irrational hatred of Cam Newton. We all know my irrational manlove of Ryan Mallett, but what concerns me here is that Arkansas couldn't stop the run at all against Alabama and Auburn just pounds people into submission. Auburn wins despite a brilliant effort by Mallett.

Ohio State @ Wisconsin
Code Red: Ohio State has now climbed to the top of the polls. I dislike this, so I'll wager on a Wisconsin upset on the Badgers' home turf. Wisconsin wins.

Iggins!: Excellent. Ohio State wins.

Code Red:I'm trying to make this interesting. If I STILL add three games to my lead this week you should probably retire and never make a prediction again.

Oregon State @ Washington
Iggins!: So Washington celebrated beating USC by losing to the second worst team in the Pac 10. OH WAIT, Washington is the second worst team in the Pac 10. Oregon State wins.

Code Red: Oregon State doesn't lose in October. OSU wins.

Woah, Three Years of Mediocrity

There are somethings in life that you just can't forget. Apparently the founding of this site isn't one of them, as I've completely forgotten to mention that this month marks the 3rd year of Start Kyle Orton.

As some of you may know, this site was started on September 30th, 2007. That was the date of Brian F*&king Griese's first career start as a Chicago Bear, and it was a dark, dark time. It was just beginning to sink in at that point that the Bears were not who they thought they were, and little did we imagine that the 2007 season would mark the first of three largely infuriating and disappointing campaigns.

I should probably confess here that this site would have been more appropriately named "Bench Brian Griese" but BBG didn't have the nice ring to it that SKO does. Because, while I've always respected Kyle, to accuse me of thinking Kyle could have ever been the long-term solution for the Bears problem at quarterback would be misleading. Sure, I blustered a bit while Kyle got off to his hot start in 2008, but that bandwagon was always rocky. The one thing that has never changed, however, is my undying hatred of Brian F*&king Griese.

For a while Iggins! and I dabbled in baseball, hockey, and even UFC because Iggins! has fallen prey to our generation's greatest vice. Overtime, however, those topics fell by the wayside as I've streamlined the topics down to football, the one sport that I can pretend to know something about with the greatest sense of false authority. Somewhere along the line people who aren't just the two of us and my dad actually started reading this thing. I can't say how much I appreciate that. I'd like to think that I've gotten slightly better at this as I've gone along, and I really appreciate the feedback I do get. Most of all I hope the Bears can keep winning and I can avoid my usual November/December breakdown and subsequent lack of posts. Either way, thanks for coming along and I'll try to spoonfeed you more vitriolic rants and complete bullshit about the Chicago Bears and football in general.

And f*&k Brian F*&king Griese.