Chiefs 42, Jaguars 20
I'm actually going to be bold here and state that the Chiefs will win the AFC West. I actually don't know if that's a bold statement anymore.
Titans 37, Eagles 19
Sure, there are more embarrassing things than allowing Kerry Collins to lead a 27 point 4th quarter comeback. Damned if I can think of them off the top of my head, though.
Ravens 37, Bills 34
God Dammit. Of course the Bills are approaching not-entirely-incompetent status just as they become the Bears next opponents. It's sad that I can't even count a win over Buffalo as a sure thing.
Browns 30, Saints 17
This score says everything you need to know about the NFC, actually.
Falcons 39, Bengals 32
Every time I give up on Carson Palmer, he has a great game. And yet every time he has a great game, the Bengals lose. You anger me, unknowable Gods of football.
Steelers 23, Dolphins 22
I don't believe there's a giant NFL conspiracy to aid the Steelers. That doesn't mean it doesn't boil my blood whenever they win with the help of iffy officiating. Or without it.
Panthers 23, 49ers 20
Again, I'm still grateful, now that the Fire Lovie hubbub has returned in earnest (and yes, I'll probably hop on board again if this thing's still going south in a few weeks), that no one will be lobbying for Mike f*&king Singletary and his pants-dropping, meathead-pandering methods of "coaching."
Buccaneers 18, Rams 17
Raheem Brock says the Bucs are the best team in the NFL. That's total bullshit, but Josh Freeman is going to be a star.
Seahawks 22, Cardinals 10
Well, at least I won't have to hear about how Max Hall "fumbles like a leader" this week, with him going 4-16 and being benched for the return of Derek Anderson, who did nothing to keep Cardinals fans from pining even for the second coming of a young Jake Plummer.
Patriots 23, Chargers 20
San Diego is not very good.
Raiders 59, Broncos 14
Hahahahaha. Oh God. Hahahahaha. This can't get any less funny. Nothing like a FORTY-FIVE POINT beatdown at home at the hands of your most-bitter rivals (who, mind you, have been the NFL's 2nd worst franchise since 2003) to turn an entire fanbase against you, Josh. I also enjoyed Mark Kiszla, Denver's answer to Rick Morrissey, blaming this loss somehow on Kyle Orton and calling for the inevitable failure of Tim Tebow's career to begin sooner rather than later. Comedy gold, folks, all of it.
Packers 28, Vikings 24
Logic should have dictated that I root for the Vikings in this game, ensuring the Bears sole possession of first place for yet another week, but fuck that. God I enjoy watching Brett Favre fail miserably. It's so fucking delicious. If I could somehow turn the feeling I get watching Brett Favre fail into a liquid that I could distill, then age in a nice oak barrel, then bottle and sell a few years down the road it would become the world's most popular spirit. Also, as much as I think Brad Childress is a pathetic excuse for a man and that he totally deserves this for selling out his soul to get Favre, it was awesome to see him nail Favre in the post-game presser.
Giants 41, Cowboys 35
Wow, the Cowboys are royally, royally boned. It should be fun to watch Jon Kitna lead them to 3-13 in a year where they expected to play for the Superbowl in their own stadium. Oh, and the Giants are really good at murdering quarterbacks. I admire that.