Oh F*&k You, David Haugh

This steaming heap of drivel was brought to my attention yesterday. Some may accuse me of waiting until Cutler had a good game before unleashing my wrath, but I honestly didn't see it last week. I'd have attacked it if I'd seen it then, too, because I don't judge a quarterback on one bad game. David Haugh does, though, and watch him create, dispute, and yet somehow also agree with strawmen that exist nowhere but his own addled mind! He's in italics:

Bears quarterback needs sense of urgency

I think he has one. You should see the look in his eyes as he runs for his life every other snap.

Cutler needs to believe there will be consequences if potential doesn't start getting results.

This is awesome. He's basically saying Cutler doesn't try hard because he doesn't think he's going to get benched anyway. You've hit the nail on the head, Dave. Anyone watching the Bears can see that Effort is what's wrong with Cutler. Not the 300 pound linemen draped over him on every other dropback.

With good humor Wednesday at Halas Hall, Jay Cutler responded to whether Mike Shanahan's 2-minute offense was more strenuous than most. Cutler played three seasons for Shanahan with the Broncos so naturally he could compare.

Thanks for spelling that one out.

"I don't know,'' Cutler said with an actual smile. "You have to ask Donovan (McNabb) if they've changed it from whenever I had it. When I had it, I didn't think it was the most physically exerting thing.''

Ha. McNabb is fat.

For Cutler, a stab at humor represents a 2010 breakthrough. Light-heartedness beats light-headedness any day.

Look. Cutler is a surly motherfucker. No one will deny this. I've seen him on multiple occasions, however, celebrate with teammates, crack jokes, and smile in post game pressers when things have gone well. He looks like shit when things aren't going well and the team loses. I don't fucking blame him. If someone interviewed me ten seconds after a Bears loss I'd probably start ripping out every trachea within reach. I don't care if it's "unprofessional". Jay gets mad when he plays bad and the team loses. My God! What a cancer. This is the same city that ripped Erik Kramer to pieces for laughing on the sidelines after he'd been benched, by the way, and that accused Rex Grossman of apathy because he shook off his poor play so quickly. So no matter which route Cutler takes, he's fucked.

The subject came up because Shanahan made the silly claim he inserted Rex Grossman for McNabb, the Redskins quarterback, with 1 minute, 50 seconds left in Sunday's game in part because of McNabb's conditioning.

Shanahan made the call because McNabb's sucked eggs this year. Rex was surely destined to suck worse, so that was a bad move, but understandable to an extent because, again, McNabb is awful this year with a 57% completion rate, more INTs than TDs and a 76 rating. Now watch as Haugh and his imaginary strawmen lobby for replacing Cutler with McNabb.

But I suppose the better question to Cutler, the one unspoken but apparently obvious to Bears fans based on my inbox, is whether he wants to execute Shanahan's 2-minute drill again as early as next season.

Imagine that. David Haugh got some e-mails from irate meathead fans arguing nonsensically that the starting QB should be traded after a 4 interception game. Surely that's the first time That's happened to him. He should write a column about it, because that's clearly indicative of the way rational human beings are looking at this.

Now is not the appropriate time for Cutler to address any possible reunion with Shanahan in Washington,

Never would be an appropriate time to speculate on that. Because it's a retarded idea and will never occur.

but the idea that so much conversation in Chicago even would broach such trade folly 22 games into Cutler's Bears tenure indicates how quickly this supposed franchise quarterback has worn out his welcome to many.

Oh please. No one is calling for the Bears to trade Jay Cutler now that wasn't calling for them to trade him after the season opener last year. They're called idiots. Reactionary meatheads who can't respond to a bad game with anything but frothing anger. You should know this by now.

I get the hypothetical. I know hometown darling McNabb, the anti-Cutler in terms of charisma, becomes a free agent in 2011 and the Bears desperately need draft picks, which Cutler could bring in return.

If there is anyone who is suggesting that Donovan McNabb, who is 7 years older than Cutler, has a lower passer rating, more interceptions, lower completion %, lower YPA, and lower, well, everything than Cutler, should be the starting QB for the Bears next year at age 35, well, they can kiss my ass. I can't even be professional about that. That's just ludicrously stupid. Also, McNabb has started all 16 games just 4 times in 10 years due to injuries. You think he would survive a month behind the Bears offensive line? Christ. And the Bears desperately need draft picks so that they can draft offensive linemen to protect their franchise quarterback. It doesn't really work if you trade the franchise quarterback to get the linemen to protect the franchise quarterback.

And if the Bears undergo a regime change that likely will occur if they miss the playoffs again, the next GM easily could view Cutler as a toxic influence who killed two coaching tenures.

That guy would be a fucking moron, then. That wouldn't surprise me, because Chicago's front office has always been run by a fucking moron, but still. The Bears were a shitty team before Cutler got here. They've gotten shittier since he's arrived because the offensive line has dissolved and last year the defense was absolutely terrible. Also, Cutler didn't kill Shanahan's coaching tenure in Denver. Perhaps the fact that the team had the 32 RANKED DEFENSE IN THE ENTIRE NFL and blew a 3 game lead by allowing 37 ppg in their last 3 games had something to do with it, since Shanahan was fired for stubbornly refusing to let Bob Slowik, his defensive coordinator, go.

But slow down. Consider any trade would put the Bears back in the spot of looking for a young quarterback to develop skills Cutler already possesses.

Yes, slow down, imaginary people I just made up!

Remember any typical football guy inheriting the Bears roster will look at Cutler's ability to do things only a handful of quarterbacks can do and believe he can be fixed. On film, Cutler's skills can be seductive and his flaws easier to accept.

You know what I see on film? A guy who plays well when he's got time to pass. It's that simple, moron.

That's what made trading for Cutler so exciting. Outsiders often see what they want to see. I did.

I want to see you write something that's not overly simplistic and mindblowingly dumb. I never get to see what I want to see.

I understand now what was less obvious then. Cutler's unrelenting immaturity too often undermines his immense talent.

What has Cutler ever done that actually shows immaturity? Slumping his shoulders? Looking angry on the sidelines? I could understand why you're saying that (I'd still think it was stupid and pointless and had nothing to do with his on field play) if you didn't just present DONOVAN MCNABB, of all people, as the supposed counterpoint:

McNabb, the non Surly Anti-Cutler, seen rallying his teammates on the sideline after his benching.

And when he loses focus, he can lose teammates and games

I'd like to see one quote from one teammate, past or current, who has ever said that he disliked Jay Cutler.

That said, I still wouldn't trade a player the organization guaranteed $20 million who is still young enough to stop all those dreaded comparisons to Jeff George.

"Having fabricated this ridiculously stupid trade proposal out of thin air, I still wouldn't make said idiotic trade."

Okay..this article is really long and I've been ranting. Let's just skip to some good one-liners:

But if there's anybody in the organization interested in salvaging Cutler's final nine games this season, now would be a good time to deliver an urgent message that he must change.

He didn't throw 4 picks this week. Somebody musta told him not to do that. LEADERSHIP!

If Cutler and his Cavallari attitude haven't noticed, this isn't going well.

Awesome. Cutler has a girlfriend, therefore he's distracted. Because this is his sophomore year of fucking high school.

Cutler has been sacked as many times in six games (27) as he was the entire 2007 season.

His fault. He needs to LEAD those linemen.

A terrible offensive line and limited wide receivers give him a ready excuse.

Because they're 90% responsible for his inability to magically win games while planted 6 inches into the turf?

But his mechanics have deteriorated. He has developed sloppy habits and established bad trends. In 22 games with the Bears, Cutler has thrown four or more interceptions three times. He never did that in 37 starts with the Broncos.

Exactly, Cutler needs to stand tall in the pocket, set his feet, and throw. If he ever sees a f&%king pocket again. Hey, look, I can play with funny stats too! In 22 games with the Bears, Cutler has been sacked 4 or more times in a game 7 times! In 37 games with the Broncos, that happened just 3 times. I'm sure that's his fault though.

He plays like someone who either hasn't been coached or is no longer willing to be. So coach him. Challenge him. Force greatness that is there.

Jay. I CHALLENGE YOU TO BE GREAT! Great QBs don't get fazed by things like concussions or an offensive line that can't block Albert Haynesworth with three interior linemen! BE GREAT!

Can you make a quarterback become a leader?

Me? I can't. I'm not really in a position to.

I have doubts Martz can. Martz has made a career out of designing ways to make quarterbacks pile up big numbers. What he has done mostly with Cutler is enlarge his ego. End the bro-mance. A struggling, self-destructive quarterback doesn't need to hear how brilliant he is. He needs to be threatened with his job if he throws four picks again.

Exactly! Then they can put Todd Collins back in. He's a leader!

Sigh. I hate this town.