Orlando Pace Released

Worthless Old Fatass.

Orlando Pace got cut the other day. I'm sure everyone's as relieved as I am about that. Chris Williams is more than capable of being a mediocre left tackle, so Pace is superfluous. No idea as to who they think they can get to start at right tackle, unless they're actually crazy enough to keep playing Omiyale or Shaffer regularly. That would be, as some might say, a really, really, poor decision.

This offseason is exceedingly frustrating. Every year for the last few years I've always felt like, with a competent front office, the Bears' problems were easily fixable in a few moves. After the 2004 season, I was confident the team could contend with a healthy Grossman and a quality tackle to pair with John Tait. It turned out they didn't even really need Rex in 2005, but Fred Miller was a big contributor in 2005 and 2006. After 2005, I was sure they were going to kick ass in 2006 no matter what, and that's what happened. After 2006, I thought the team would be fine if everyone stayed healthy and they picked up another starting safety. Everyone got hurt and they wound up with Archuleta, so the team sucked. After 2007, I thought some upgrades on the offensive line and a healthy defense would make the team a contender. The line was slightly better in 2008, but the defense still wasn't great and the team barely improved. Going into 2009, it was obvious that, with Cutler on the team, the defensive line and offensive line were the biggest areas of concern. Jerry Angelo agreed, he just felt the answer was to sign Pace and Omiyale and hire Rod Marinelli. That ended horribly and Marinelli got a promotion.

This offseason, however, it's hard to get excited over any single move. Cutting Pace isn't much of an addition by subtraction, as every spot on the line would benefit from an upgrade (although I'm willing to give Williams another year before I start hating him). The defensive line sucks on ice, and I'm not sure how much the rumored move to pick up Julius Peppers would help without a defensive tackle to keep him from getting double teamed on every single snap. The linebacking corps consists of Awesome, Old and Injured, and the Three-Headed Shitfest of Hillenmeyer, Williams, or Roach. Charles Tillman's a slightly above average corner, which is far more than can be said about any of his comrades, and the safety position is a pathetic mess (and of course they traded away their second round pick in a year where good safeties will actually be available in the 2nd round).

My point is, of course, is that you shouldn't take joy anything, because you're Bears fans.

Back to Cold, Ugly, Brutal Reality.

I wish I could hate you to death

That was fun, wasn't it? For a few months we were winners. The world was our oyster and we went along with Breesus and the Saints for a magical ride that gave me a chance to slip away from the depressing nature of my existence and be a champion. But that's over now. It's back to being Bears fans, and that of course means back to being Pissed Off Bears Fans. So to get this place back on track (I'm not actually going to post all of that much until the draft gets nearer. February and March are bad months to run a football blog, and I'm not going to bother with Cubs coverage this year, I'm not good at it and there are much better places where you can get much better coverage), here are some thoughts on Bears-centric news from recent weeks-

1. Mike Martz is the offensive coordinator- Obviously I'm opposed to this move. Like, really, really opposed to this move. But I was far too optimistic in thinking that the Bears had a shot at any legitimately promising offensive coordinator prospects this offseason. No one wants to take these jobs, because any betting man knows Lovie, and probably his whole staff, is gone after the season. It's not, however much that hack Mike Florio wants you to believe it is, about people not wanting to coach Jay Cutler.

That doesn't make this a good move, though. Martz will do some terribly stupid shit. I'm also sure that in order to get hired he had to promise Lovie he'd still get off the bus running and would try to remember that tight ends are eligible pass catchers and not just fat Hawaiians you draft for your own amusement (see Manumaleuna, Brandon), meaning we'll get some half-assed version of the Martz offensive that ditches all of the effectiveness while retaining the sacks and turnovers. Oh, joy. Seriously, if you aren't some delusional homer you should probably just start (if you haven't already) gearing yourselves up for a horrible fucking season and make it your number one priority to pray to Jesus, Allah, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, Cthulu, Gozer, Krishna, Atheismo, or Vin Diesel so they'll spare Cutler's life.

2. Rod Marinelli is promoted to defensive coordinator- If you're a moron like Mike Florio and you think Cutler was the reason no one would take the offensive coordinator job, how do you explain the total FAIL at hiring a defensive coordinator? Perry Fewell, whom Lovie thought for sure would take the job, decided to go to a team with actual defensive talent and left the Bears scrambling for options, and the one they took was naturally the cheapest and most retarded one out there.

If there's one thing this team needed it was someone who could change the defensive scheme and mentality. I'm not someone to generally overrate a coordinator's impact on a unit's effectiveness, but defensive coordinators can sometime's make sweeping defensive improvements with only modest personnel changes (see Williams, Gregg or Capers, Dom). Instead we get the only person somehow More likely to do exactly what Lovie wants on defense than Lovie himself. This is going to suck. All offseason we heard (and I swallowed that bullshit the same as you did), that Marinelli just hadn't been prepared to go from a defensive line coach to a head coach, and that putting him back into the very-specific job that he'd been so effective in would work wonders for him and the team. The defensive line was still absolute shit, so Marinelli got a promotion. Fuck my life.

3. Gaines Adams is dead- I don't wish to make light of this story by making it about football, and that's probably why I didn't post much when it happened. A 26 year old kid is dead and it doesn't get much sadder than that. Obviously we barely knew him, and who knows what might have happened in the future had he been able to start for the team next year like they intended. There's no denying, however, that his death puts the team in even more of a bind regarding their plans for free agency and what few draft picks they have left. Ogunleye is a potential free agent, and he's going to want a raise, even though he doesn't deserve it, in order to re-sign with the team. They can either pay him more to continue his decline or they can take a chance on starting a third round draft pick at defensive end, even though that pick would be better used on an offensive lineman. This just sucks no matter which way you look at it.

4. There are no draft picks, the offensive line sucks, the defensive line sucks, the secondary sucks, the linebacker corps is mediocre at best, oh god damnit they're looking at signing Torry Holt? - Oh God. Why did I come back? I'm not fucking ready for this shit.

Breesus is Risen

Just. Fucking. Awesome.

Mike Martz Would Utterly Freaking Destroy Jay Cutler

UPDATE: They did it. They finally really did it. YOU MANIACS! YOU HIRED MIKE MARTZ! Ah, damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

A couple days ago a rumor posted briefly over at Bleacher Report stated that Mike Martz would be the next offensive coordinator for the Bears, and frankly, I shit my pants. Why? Well, Mike Martz would absolutely be the end of Jay Cutler's career. I'm not the only person saying this, his own former GM in St. Louis, Charlie Armey, has said the very same thing in recent days. Why, exactly, Martz would ruin Cutler may take some time to explain. I'm willing to give it a shot, so here's why Mike Martz' offense is a terrible, terrible thing to throw Jay Cutler into:



1. Schematically, it's very similar to Ron Turner's offense- The Martz scheme and Turner's offense were both variants of the Air Coryell offense. Granted, Turner puts the emphasis on the run game and Martz focuses on the pass, but the terminology and the routes are all very similar. If Jay truly dislikes the scheme, than that's a bad move to begin with.



2. Jay Cutler would get pummeled into oblivion, and probably die on the field- The Bears offensive line absolutely fucking sucks. No one denies this fact. You know who didn't have a bad offensive line? The Rams, from 1999-2005. They had the young, good Orlando Pace, as well as a young Fred Miller and several other quality players over the years. Yet they still gave up an average of 43 sacks a year. Martz' Detroit teams gave up 114 sacks in two years under Martz' direction, despite the fact that the Lions had given up just 31 sacks the year before Martz took over, and his 2008 49ers squad gave up a whopping 55 sacks. All in all that's an average of 42.8 sacks per year. The Bears gave up 35 sacks this year, and that seemed awful to all of us.



Why is it that Martz' teams give up such a ludicrous number of sacks each year despite the relatively high quality of his offensive lines? Because Martz' emphasis on throwing deep at all costs frequently encourages his quarterbacks to hold onto the ball and get hammered. Given the terrible suckitude of the Bears offensive line, I don't see any possibility of Cutler getting sacked fewer than 50 or 60 times in a Martz led offense, assuming he's standing long enough to take that many hits.



3. No, seriously, Jay Cutler would die- In 10 seasons as an offensive coordinator or Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator, Martz has had a quarterback start all 16 games in a season just 4 times (ironically, one of those 16 game starters was Kurt Warner in 1999, who had to take over after the original starter, Trent Green, was sacked and broke his leg in a preseason game). Broken down:



1999- Kurt Warner- 16 games started, 29 sacks (not too bad)



2000- Kurt Warner- 11 games started, 20 sacks (not good), Trent Green- 5 games started, 24 sacks (absolutely fucking terrible)



2001- Kurt Warner- 16 games started, 38 sacks (fantastic by Martzian standards)



2002-Kurt Warner- 6 games started, 21 sacks (awful, awful), Marc Bulger- 7 games started, 12 sacks (still bad), Jamie Martin- 2 games started, 10 sacks (holy shit).



2003- Marc Bulger- 15 games started, 37 sacks (pretty terrible), Kurt Warner- 1 game started, 6 sacks (Jesus Christ!)



2004- Marc Bulger- 14 games started, 41 sacks (awful), Chris Chandler- 2 games started, 7 sacks (seriously, Chris? Someone as fragile as you signed with Mike Martz??), and Jamie Martin-played one half (after Chris Chandler had been knocked out of the game) and received 2 sacks.



2005- Marc Bulger- 8 games started, 26 sacks, Jamie Martin- 5 games started, 11 sacks, Ryan Fitzpatrick - 3 games started, 9 sacks



2006- Jon Kitna- 16 games started, 63 sacks (Have I made my point yet?)



2007- Jon Kitna- 16 games started, 51 sacks (I have some serious respect for Jon Kitna's ability to take a beating).



2008- Shaun Hill- 8 games started, 23 sacks (that's bad), JT O'Sullivan- 8 games started, 32 sacks (that's worse).



4. The system encourages turnovers- Jay Cutler is already far too much of a "gunslinger," if you will. This system would actually encourage that. Whereas the terrible run game and offensive line actually forced Turner to call a pass-heavy offense that led to a mounting pile of interceptions, Martz designs his game plan to do the same god damn thing. Outside of the miracle 1999 season, where Warner threw just 15 interceptions (the 7th fewest in the league), Martz offenses have typically ranked in the bottom five in the league in interceptions. The numbers:



1999- 15 interceptions, 7th in the league (going from fewest to most)
2000- 23 interceptions, 28th
2001- 22 interceptions, 24th
2002- 27 interceptions, 32nd
2003-23 interceptions, 31st
2004-22 interceptions, 28th
2005- 24 interceptions, 30th
2006-22 interceptions, 27th
2007- 22 interceptions, 30th
2008-19 interceptions, 26th.



Guh.



5. The system abandons the run, often for no apparent reason- This is the most common criticism of Martz, and its completely valid. Martz offenses, throughout his 10 year OC/HC career, have had an average ranking of 27th in the league in terms of rushing attempts. This is despite the fact that Martz has had outstanding runningbacks like Marshall Faulk, Steven Jackson, and Frank Gore, and the fact that his offenses are generally effective at running the ball, since their average ranking in terms of yards per rush attempt is 14th. This basically meants that even if the Bears somehow fixed their offensive line in the offseason and improved the running game, Martz would still abandon the run and force Cutler to carry a disproportionate amount of the load on offense.



6. It's just not that great of an offense- When the Martz offense first hit the scene in 1999, it was outstanding, and it stayed that way for several years. But the fact is, just like most offenses, talent had far more to do with its success than the scheme itself. When Kurt Warner started all 16 games in a season, the Rams were 27-5 (0.844%) and made it to two Superbowls. In seasons where Kurt Warner didn't start 16 games the Rams were 44-36 (0.550%) and went just 1-3 in the playoffs (and didn't even go in 2002 and 2005). Martz' Lions and 49ers teams went just 17-31 in his three years as offensive coordinator for those teams.



I don't know who the Bears are going to hire as their next offensive coordinator. Ted Phillips shot down the rumor that it would be Martz. Jay Cutler wants Jeremy Bates, the current USC offensive coordinator and his former QB coach in Denver. I personally think that would be the best route to go, as someone that works well with the slightly temperamental quarterback would be better than Martz, who earlier this season said Cutler needed to "grow up". Just know that if Mike Martz does somehow end up with the job, I'll be getting drunk off my ass and toasting Jay Cutler's doomed career.

SUPEAUXR BEAUXL BEAUXND!

GEAUX SAINTS! How awesome is it that the team of which I am a LIFE LONG fan, and have ALWAYS rooted for without exception, is going to the Superbowl! You're going down Manning! This won't be like your last Superbowl, when you trounced the Bears, that team to which I have no emotional connection whatsoever. GEAUX SAINTS!

The 2009 Bears- The Bad

Well, I was going to do a player by player breakdown of the bad players from the Bears this year before moving onto the coaching staff, but with the latest coaching changes, that's worth more of a discussion, so here's briefly a list of players on this team who suck ass and should probably die:

-Orlando Pace
-Frank Omiyale
-Olin Kreutz' rotten corpse.
-Greg Olsen (most of the time)
-Tommie Harris
-Nathan Vasher
-Danieal Manning
-Zack Fucking Bowman
-Al Afalava
-Kevin Payne
-The three-headed linebacker monster of suck (Hillenmeyer/Williams/Roach)
-Pretty much anyone else on the roster besides the ones I explicitly named yesterday.

Moving on-

The Bears fired 6 coaches yesterday. Let's look at each one-

-Ron Turner, Offensive Coordinator: Anyone that reads this site will know how fervently I defended Turner before this season. His system is not a bad system, and I don't believe he himself is a particularly bad coordinator. He's not particularly good either. He's certainly not innovative. Any moron could look at the offense this year and trace every problem back to the offensive line. Turner isn't responsible for putting that together. But he Is responsible for gameplanning around that, at least somewhat. He didn't. The continued insistence on "establishing the run" over the first half of the season cost this team dearly, as did his utter refusal (until After the team had been eliminated from contention) to roll Cutler out and utilize his mobility in order to buy time to pass. His wide receiver screens, while not as pointless as those used by Crowton, Shoop, or Shea, still sucked. I won't miss him, but he doesn't deserve 100% of the blame, either.

-Harry Hiestand, Offensive Line Coach: This is completely deserved. Name one offensive lineman the Bears have developed effectively during Hiestand's tenure. The only time the line was effective was during the 05 and 06 seasons, when a veteran heavy lineup really didn't Need coaching.

-Pep Hamilton, Quarterbacks Coach: Thank god. Can you name any three quarterbacks with more easily fixable mechanical and technical issues than Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, and Jay Cutler? Can you name anything Hamilton did to fix Any of those issues?

-Rob Boras, Tight Ends Coach: Can I blame him for my hatred of Greg Olsen? It's not this guy's fault that Olsen drops everything and can't block, is it? If it is, he should probably just kill himself.

And assistants Luke Butkus and Charles London: Other than pissing the meatheads off by firing Dick Butkus' kid, I don't think this will have any effect.

Now, I agree with all of those firings. My problem that list is that it fails to include many of the people who needed to be fired the most, namely, the defensive staff and Lovie's cronies.

I understand that it was a pipe dream to hope that Lovie would be fired, especially after they won the last two games of the season. You'd think in a normal organization three playoff-less seasons would have a bigger impact than two games that allowed a team to finish 7-9, but hey, this is the Bears we're talking about. The fact, however, is that Lovie needs to have the circle of yes men that surrounds him removed. For God's sake, Bob Babich still has a fucking job. The rumors stating that Lovie had decided to make Marinelli the defensive coordinator are fortunately untrue, but that still won't change much.

With Babich and Marinelli and his fellow Cover 2 loyalists in place, the defensive coordinator that Lovie hires (probably Perry Fewell) will be surrounded and outnumbered, if he even wishes to change things. It doesn't matter who calls the defensive plays for this team. The scheme is broken. Tommie Harris is worthless. The front four has been mostly ineffective and wildly inconsistent for three straight years. The safeties all suck, and the corners can't keep up with anybody. The defense and the defensive coaching staff needs a complete overhaul, and Lovie needs to be stripped of as much of his authority as possible. That's not happening, so this team's fucked for at least one more year.

With some actual improvements on the offensive line (which won't be forthcoming if Angelo just signs this year's Orlando Pace or Omiyale on the market) and an offensive coordinator that tailors the offense to fit Cutler's strengths (like Jeremy Bates, the former Denver QB coach and current USC offensive coordinator that Cutler is supposedly lobbying for), this team can make marginal improvements and perhaps be in playoff contention next year, but if nothing changes on the defensive side of the ball the odds of winning anything are greatly reduced. In short, give up hope. Just give it up. It's going to be another long fucking year.

The 2009 Bears- The Good

Not that any of you should care, given that we are all LIFELONG Saints fans (at least until they get eliminated, since they've now gone 1-3 as my favorite team), but it's time to say a few things about the 2009 Chicago Bears. I had thought about writing more about them during the last few weeks of the season, but as they were eliminated from contention before showing any flashes of competence, it seemed best to wait until the end to get the story right. So here we go:

The Good-
- Let's just start off with my textbook defense of Jay Cutler. Half of those picks weren't his fault. Half of them were. That's still too many god damned harebrained interceptions, but let's look at the positives of his season first:

Jay Cutler in 2009-

-27 touchdown passes. That's the third best single season effort behind Erik Kramer (29 in 1995) and Sid Luckman (28 in 1943).

-3,666 passing yards. That's easily the second best in Bears history, right after Kramer's 3,838 in 1995.

-229.1 passing yards per game. That's 2nd to, you guessed it, Kramer's 239.9 ypg in 1995.

-60.5 completion percentage. That's the 2nd highest in Bears history (minimum of 10 starts) after Jim Harbaugh in 1993 (and for what it's worth, Harbaugh that year had just 7 td passes and threw 230 fewer passes than Jay did this year).

-1st in passing completions (336) and attempts (555)

-His 76.8 career (minimum 10 starts) passer rating as a Bear is, sadly enough, the 4th best in Bears history behind Erik Kramer (80.7), Jim McMahon (80.4), and Steve Walsh (77.9).

- And last but not least, at least his 26 interceptions are only the 2nd most in Bears history, behind Sid Luckman's 31 in 1947. Just to show how much the game has changed, Luckman actually made the Pro Bowl that year.

The fact is, despite the picks, despite the god awful line that allowed him to get sacked 35 freaking times, despite the inexperienced wide receivers and the lame duck offensive coordinator (sorry Ron, but you let me down big time this year), Jay managed to have arguably the second best passing season in Bears history. That says more about the ineptitude of this franchise than it does about Jay, but in all honesty there Are positives to take away from his efforts this year. The line needs to be tweaked. He needs more time to set his feet, because when he does, he's nearly unstoppable. Jay needs to stop rushing throws and hearing footsteps. All of this is elementary stuff that's been said about him throughout his career, and it's been said about promising Bears qbs in the past (see Grossman, Rex). This is fixable. There's no reason to give up on Cutler or doubt the wisdom of trading for him.

Outside of the QB-

Matt Forte- he had a down year this year. Not all of it was his fault. He was hurt in the offseason and the offensive line was so far below competent that if competence was sunlight they'd be the mole people. Forte deserves some of the blame, however, for his indecisiveness. Hit the hole, son. It's not gonna last long with your blockers. However, he's the first Bears rookie to rack up 2,000+ yards rushing in his first two years since Walter Payton. He managed to rack up 1,400 total yards from scrimmage in a terrible, terrible year, giving him 3,115 total yards in his young career. He's the surest bet to bounce back on this team, even more so than Cutler.

Devin Hester- He showed some real flashes of potential, as he always does. Had he not missed all or parts of four of five games he may very well have gained 1,000 yards receiving. I'm not sure he's ever going to be the #1 receiver, but I don't mean that as a Morrissey-style derogatory comment. He's simply not as smart as Aromashadu or Knox and they've just developed faster than him. As a slot receiver, #2 receiver, and deep threat he's still an extremely valuable player to have, and he'll continue to progress with Cutler under center.

Johnny Knox- The Bears should never let anyone forget that they got Cutler AND Knox in the trade with the Broncos. Given Denver's late season collapse and Kyle Orton's so-so finish, any moran who still thinks the Bears "lost the trade" should probably choke on his own taint and die. Knox was outstanding as a returner and slot receiver. He and Hester may have combined to make more frustrating and absolutely idiotic mistakes than any two wideouts in history this year, and they often cost Cutler dearly, but they also accomplished more than enough to give fans the feeling that with Cutler, Forte, Hester, Knox, Aromashadu, and, to a lesser extent, Greg Fucking Olsen, this unit is but an offensive line and a coordinator away from being truly terrifying.

Devin Aromashadu- Yes, we all had a good laugh at the meatheads who demanded that he start during the offseason. But even the meatheads can latch onto something sometimes. It's really a scathing condemnation of the coach and the GM that they took so damn long to get him on the field. I look forward to seeing what he does next year when he's Not stuck on the practice squad.

Greg Olsen- I suppose I should say something good about him. 60 receptions, 612 yds, and 8 tds are all fine totals for a tight end, but damned if he didn't feel like a disappointment. I still don't really like him.

Lance Briggs- He weathered the storm pretty well without help from....anybody. It wasn't his best season, but it wasn't his worst, which would have been excusable under the circumstances.

Expect the coaching staff and the rest of the defense to show up on tomorrow's article discussing what went wrong this season. That's going to be a much longer article and I'm tired of writing for now.

In Which I Remind You We're College Students

Iggins! and I are both trapped in the hell that is finals week, so posting will continue to be spotty up until next week. Sorry for the hell that must put you all through. On the bright side, GEEEAUUXXX SAINTS! 13-0!!! What a great time to be a LIFE LONG SAINTS FAN. Certainly wouldn't want to be stuck with those poor, 5-8, listless, aimless, hopeless Bears fans. Those sonsabitches must spend every night drinking paint thinner and curling themselves into the fetal position, begging for sleep or death to take them away from the pain of consciousness.

Weekly Picks, Bandwagon Edition

Now two games separate Red and I as Oregon State had to go and fail once again. But life is grand, for we are Saints fans!

Sigh.

Here are the picks:

(7-4) Philadelphia @ (6-5) Atlanta

Iggins!: Chris Redman, eh? Philadelphia wins.

Code Red: He went to Louisville. That has nothing to do with anything, I just felt the need to point it out. Philadelphia wins.

(1-10) St. Louis @ (4-7) Chicago

Code Red: Oh thank god. For one week the pain will stop. Or ease significantly. Or not. Or who gives a shit because I’m a lifelong Saints fan. Bears win.

Iggins!: Yeah even I can’t pick against the Bears here. Thank God I’m a Saints fan. (But seriously I have been a Drew Brees fan since he went to Purdue so this website suits me).

(2-9) Detroit @ (8-3) Cincinnati

Iggins!: Wow this game’ll be… fun. Bengals win.

Code Red: Bengals.

(3-8) Oakland @ (6-5) Pittsburgh

Code Red: Steelers.

Iggins!: Rapey should be back. And even if he isn’t… it’s the Raiders. Steelers win.

(5-6) Tennessee @ (11-0) Indianapolis

Iggins!: The Colts have been flirtin’ with disaster for weeks now and this week they play unstoppable God-man Chris Johnson and my boy Vince Young who can’t seem to lose. I’ve got Zulu Cthulu for the win. Titans win.

Code Red: God DAMNIT. Stop him! STOP HIM NOW! Colts win.

(7-4) Denver @ (3-8) Kansas City

Code Red: Guh. Sadly Denver’s losing streak is long over with opponents like this. Broncos win.

Iggins!: I hate myself for doing this but Kansas City wins.

(7-4) New England @ (5-6) Miami

Iggins!: Insert ESPN comment about Bill Belichick after a loss, New England wins.

Code Red: Insert ESPN comment about Tom Brady being more NOW. New England wins.

(11-0) New Orleans @ (3-8) Washington

Code Red: Undefeated, bitches! Geaux Saints!

Iggins!: 16-0 Bitch! Saints win.

(1-10) Tampa Bay @ (4-7) Carolina

Iggins!: Delhomme is back to his old self again and Freeman has been knocking at the door against really good teams for weeks. Tampa Bay wins.

Code Red: Eh, why not? Tampa Bay wins.

(5-6) Houston @ (6-5) Jacksonville

Code Red: The Texans will win this game. Or they won’t. Those are the options. Texans win.

Iggins!: That was very diplomatic of you. Texans win.

(8-3) San Diego @ (1-10) Cleveland

Iggins!: And the race for the first overall draft pick is on! San Diego wins.

Code Red: Cleveland’s going to have it. San Diego wins.

(8-3) Dallas @ (6-5) New York Giants

Code Red: Dallas isn’t That good, and the Giants have to do something at some point. Giants win.

Iggins!: Yeah, but the Giants suck. Cowboys win.

(5-6) San Francisco @ (4-7) Seattle

Iggins!: It’s too bad that Alex Smith’s resurgence isn’t leading to wins for the Niners. 49ers win.

Code Red: You cannot WIN WITH EM. 49ers win.

(10-1) Minnesota @ (7-4) Arizona

Code Red: Arizona, because fuck you, that’s why. Cardinals win.

Iggins!: Thank you for giving me a win. Minnesota wins.

(6-5) Baltimore @ (7-4) Green Bay

Iggins!: Baltimore hasn’t shown greatness yet this season so I can’t imagine they’ll beat Green Bay at Lambeau on Monday Night. Packers win.

Code Red: I’m a bitter, spiteful, hateful man. Ravens win.

Weekly Picks, Championship Edition

Isn't life grand as a Saints fan? Great QB, no media problems, no losses. Life is peachy. (sobs uncontrollably). Here are our records up to this week:

Iggins!: 123-67 Overall (46-32 NCAA, 77-35 NFL)

Code Red: 124-66 Overall (53-25 NCAA, 71-41 NFL)

So as you can see Red's lead over me has shrunk to one tiny little game. Although The odds of me overcoming a seven game deficit in the NCAA standings are rather small, we still differ on 4 games this week, and bowl season is yet to come! So on to the picks:

#16 Oregon State @ #7 Oregon

Iggins!: I predicted this game would be for the title weeks ago, and I also predicted the winner. I ain’t no John Kerry, Oregon State wins.

Code Red: Ah ha! But you are John Kerry in that you will lose to a man widely regarded as a moron and a failure! ….wait. Oregon wins.

Ohio vs. Central Michigan

Code Red: I am deeply, deeply disappointed that Temple’s comeback season ran out of steam and kept them from making the MAC title game. Oh well. They’ll still get ten wins and I feel less guilty about the manner in which Dan Lefevour will destroy Ohio. Central Michigan wins.

Iggins!: Ohio is coached by a guy who got date raped, and that’s pretty much what Lefevour is gonna do here. Central Michigan wins.

#5 Cincinnati @ #15 Pittsburgh

Iggins!: The Big East sucks, and Wanny is just evil enough to pull this upset. Pittsburgh wins.

Code Red: The Big East sucks, but Wanny is just incompetent enough to finish a season that started at 9-1 with 4 losses. Cincy wins.

Arizona @ #18 USC

Code Red: Ooh. Tough call. Both of these teams are good, but slightly below the upper crust of the Pac 10 this year (that was just an excuse to point and laugh at USC’s plight). I’ll go with the home team, I guess. USC wins.

Iggins!: USC has had the two most crushing defeats in the history of the Colosseum this year, both to teams who look suspiciously like Arizona. So I’m taking Arizona for the final blow to USCs season. By the way did anyone see the ESPN piece on the kid with eye cancer? Holy shit that was sad. Arizona wins.

#1 Florida vs. #2 Alabama

Iggins!: The National Title Game! This is tough, but picking against Tim Tebow is pretty damn unsafe. Florida wins.

Code Red: This will end just like last year. As evenly matched as they are in most other areas, the team with the better quarterback will be the one that wins. Florida.

#3 Texas vs. #22 Nebraska

Code Red: Seriously, someone get out the charts and shit and explain to me how Nebraska resurrected itself in order to make it to the Big 12 title game. Texas wins.

Iggins!: Well you see, Red, the biggest competition they had in the Big 12 North was K-State. They are 6-6. Texas wins.

#10 Georgia Tech vs. Clemson

Iggins!: Two opposing forces at play here. 1) The ACC Rubber Band Effect which clearly states that any ranked ACC team must lose when playing against an unranked ACC team and 2) Clemson’s history of failing when it counts over and over again. In the end I can’t pick against Clemson. Clemson wins.

Code Red: TRIPLE OPTION BCS YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH . Paul Johnson’s GT actually defies the ACC malaise by running an entirely unconventional offense and refusing to settle for a 21-14 score in every game. They will not be stopped, despite a minor setback to Georgia. Georgia Tech wins.

Week 14 College Rankings

1. (-) Florida (12-0)- This week they finally settle things with Alabama

2. (-) Texas (12-0)- I'm supposed to believe Nebraska is a threat to Texas? I say nay. Lock in that title game.

3. (-) Alabama (12-0)- See Florida

4. (-) Boise State (12-0)-They wrapped up another perfect regular season and, with Oklahoma State and Pitt both losing again, may have increased their chances of getting an At-Large BCS bid along with TCU.

5. (-) Cincinnati (11-0)- They'd better beat the Wannstache this weekend, or the Big East has no way to deny their absolute suckitude.

6. (-) TCU (12-0)- I still like Boise State more.

7. (+1) Oregon (9-2)- Oregon and Ohio State flip flop after their bye weeks because I realized I made the mistake of ranking Ohio State over Oregon.

8. (-1) Ohio State (10-2)- See above.

9. (+4) Iowa(10-2)- Iowa moves back into the top ten. Oh joy.

10.(-3) Georgia Tech (10-2)- The loss to Georgia was a minor setback on the course to world revolution which the Triple Option has plotted. It shall nevertheless overthrow the bourgeoisie and their "passing games" in the BCS!

11.(-) Penn State (10-2)- They had better not get an at-large bid over Boise or TCU. Given that they've played two good teams and lost to both of them. Holy hollow ten win season Batman!

12.(+3) Virginia Tech (9-3)- They can still salvage a ten win season, and they have a young corps of players that will return next year (including this year's star freshman runningback, Ryan Williams (1538 yds, 19 tds) who will pair with last year's star freshman runningback, Darren Evans, who has been out for the year but rushed for 1,265 yds and 11 tds in 2008, to form the most terrifying runningback duo since Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown took Auburn to an undefeated season in 2004).

13.(+3) Oregon State (8-3)- Oregon State has somehow climbed to #13. Be afraid, people. Be very, very afraid.

14.(+3) LSU (9-3)- God damnit. Why won't they just drop out of the top 20 for good and stop passing off their mediocrity as something slightly better than that.

15.(+3) Miami (9-3)- Miami could win 10 games for the first time since 2003.

16.(-4) Oklahoma State (9-3)- That loss to Oklahoma was unforeseen.

17.(-9) Pittsburgh (9-2)- Ha! Back where you belong, Wanny. After a loss to Cincy and whoever the hell it is they'll get in their mid-tier bowl game, Pitt's once-promising season will collapse in pure Wanny fashion.

18.(+1) Cal (8-3)- I'm still not sure they won't find Some way to fuck this up. Tedford does not win in December, damnit.

19.(+3) BYU (10-2)- So BYU's quarterback can't say he Hates his rival, Utah? Damn Mormons. Let Max Hall hate who he wants to hate. His hatred will make him powerful.

20.(-) USC (8-3)- Nothing to see here.

21.(+4) Houston (10-2)- Meh.

22.(-8) Clemson (8-4)- Damnit Clemson. For a second there I thought you'd finally do something un-Clemsony and beat teams you're supposed to beat. But no, so now a crushing defeat at the hands of the Triple Option is all you have to look forward to.

23.(NR) Nebraska (9-3)- Woah. How'd that happen?

24.(-) Central Michigan (10-2)- Yep.

25.(NR) West Virginia (8-3)- Well, this is unexpected.

A Poll, Because I'm Still Too Disgruntled to Write

After a whole day of reflection and soul-searching, I still haven't come up with anything to say about the Bears-Vikings game (why I care, given that I'm a life-long Saints fan, I don't know). It went about as poorly as I expected, other than the team only giving up four sacks. Cleveland managed that, so, in your face, Jared Allen. There's no other way to describe this team right now other than what it is: a complete and utter fucking disaster.

My illustrious comrade on this blog, Iggins!, seems to think three playoffless seasons brought on by injuries (not Lovie's fault), poor coaching changes and decisions (replacing Rivera with Babich, keeping Ron Turner, running the Cover 2 long after the personnel no longer suited it, all of which Is Lovie's fault), and awful personnel decisions (Angelo's fault indeed, but also Lovie's, as he was the one who insisted Danieal Manning/Adam Archuletta were better options than Chris Harris, he's the one who insisted the team draft Cedric Benson, he's the one who still runs the Cover 2 even though the personnel no longer suits it), Lovie's just a guy with a bunch of bad luck who shouldn't be fired. I maintain my long-held stance that everything Iggins! says is wrong, and that Lovie (and Jerry) should be run out of town. Hub Arkush (I know. It's not much) says the Bears have talked specifically to Bill Cowher and that Cowher "would be very interested" in the Bears job. Shanahan's also an option, as is Jon Gruden (I'd be okay with two of those. I won't tell you which one I don't like, but I'll give a hint: "That guy is a football player. He came to play football!") But that's all speculation for now. Since I don't want to keep grumbling, and honestly, nothing I'd bitch about would be any different than what I've bitched about with increasing frequency all season long, here's a poll:

Who Will Coach the Bears in 2010

• 
  
  Bill Cowher


• 
  
  Mike Shanahan


• 
  
  Jon Gruden


• 
  
  Mike Leach


• 
  
  Lovie Smith because you know this is a waste of time and the McCaskeys are cheap bastards


• 
  
  Ditka!


• 
  
  Dick Jauron (He's Available!)


• 
  
  Charlie Weiss


• 
  
  My Balls


• 
  
  Other

view results
Free vote poll

Don't Worry.

The changes are not permanent. But damnit, for the next 5 games I'm rooting for a winner. The Purdue quarterback that this site was named after isn't even a part of the Bears anymore. Time to root for his God-Like Boilermaker predecessor. GEAUX SAINTS!

(and yes, I'll still grumble about the Bears)

Week 13 NCAA Rankings.

1. (-) Florida (11-0)- After what should be a final, satisfying pasting of Bobby Bowden this weekend they'll take on 'Bama in the SEC title game.

2. (-) Texas (11-0)- Did you know Colt McCoy has a losing record against Texas A&M? Yeah...that won't last.

3. (-) Alabama (11-0)- Like Florida, they're on autopilot till next week.

4. (-) Boise State (11-0)- I Still like them better than TCU.

5. (-) Cincinnati (10-0)- They get to rape my Illini on Friday, setting them up for the Big East-deciding showdown against Pitt the week after.

6. (-) TCU (11-0)- I'm wondering if they'll follow Utah's path and beat a disappointed, second-place SEC team in the Sugar Bowl. I doubt it.

7. (-) Georgia Tech (10-1)- They get Georgia This weekend (I misread the schedule and wrote that down as last weekend), then they take on Clemson in the ACC title game. Iggins! informed me the other day that some projections have them facing Iowa in the BCS. I'll pay good money to make this happen, for nothing will make Iggins! realize the unstoppability of the triple option more than Josh Nesbitt and Jonathan Dwyer running roughshod through the Hawkeye defense.

8. (-) Pittsburgh (9-1)- Guh. Once more, if Cinci loses next week and gives Wanny a Big East title, I may be reduced to murder.

9. (-) Ohio State (10-2)- Not too long till Oregon (or Oregon State, I suppose) hands Tressel his next embarassing loss in front of a national audience.

10. (-) Oregon (9-2)- They barely survived Arizona, and the Civil War against the Beavers this weekend is just as nerve-wracking. Should be a hell of a game.

11. (+2) Penn State (10-2)- They jump over Oklahoma State because OK State suffered the embarassment of letting Colorado hang around until the 4th quarter.

12. (-) Oklahoma State (9-2)- They get Oklahoma this week, which is no longer as scary as it seemed. They should be Iowa's biggest competition for one of the last at-large bids for the BCS.

13. (+1) Iowa (10-2)- They grit out yet another win against Minnesota to finish the regular season with ten wins, and they may yet grab an at-large BCS bid. A tip of the cap to mine enemies.

14. (+2) Clemson (8-3)-CJ Spiller is unstoppable, and freshman QB Kyle Parker has improved all year long. The ACC Title game should feature a lot of offense on both sides (I'll take Things I Never Thought I'd Say for 500, Alex).

15. (+3) Virginia Tech (8-3)- Welcome back to the Top 15.

16. (+3) Oregon State (8-3)- They survived the curse of being in my rankings for one week, let's see if they can do it long enough to win a Pac 10 title.

17. (-6) LSU (8-3)- This is a much, much more appropriate spot for them.

18. (+3) Miami (8-3)- I still like Jacory Harris.

19. (NR) Cal (8-3)- They've actually...improved..as the year went on? How unlike Cal. Beating Stanford without Jahvid Best is impressive.

20. (-) USC (7-3)- Not much to say.

21. (+1) Temple (9-2)- 9 wins for Temple. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE NOTICING THIS?

22. (NR) BYU (9-2)- I guess I can now forgive them for the ass whuppin' Florida State handed them.

23. (-) Utah (9-2)- Sure, why not.

24. (-) Central Michigan (9-2)- I like Dan Lefevour, but he'd better not fuck up my Cinderella story by beating Temple in the MAC title game.

25. (-) Houston (9-2)- Meh.

The Death Spiral Continues

I don't know what you're expecting if you've come here to read a recap of last night's game. What else is there to say? Cutler fucking sucked. When he throws the god damn interceptions I can usually (and rightfully) point out most of the time how it was his receiver's fault or the line's fault or even a bad call, but last night was inexcusable. Four times he had receivers wide open for what would have been the game winning touchdown. Four times he failed to set his feet and make the throw. It was disgusting. It's disgusting to see him playing timid and afraid. It's disgusting to see him fall away from every throw and lose his accuracy (I realize it's because he's been hit so god damn many times this year that he's got happy feet, but that's still on him). It's disgusting that for two weeks in a row he's wasted good efforts by everybody else (well, except the offensive line). It's disgusting that this whole franchise is just royally fucked.

Am I giving up on Jay Cutler? Absolutely not. Last night was just a bad game. Any quarterback is going to have those nights, but in his case it's absolutely magnified by the struggles he's been having lately, whether most of those picks were his fault or not (and they still weren't). There's no saving grace to this team right now. The coaches, the offense, the defense, they all suck. There's not one thing I can point to right now and say "if they just tweak this, they'll be okay." The worst part is that nothing's going to change. Ted Phillips and the McCaskey's aren't going to just decide money grows on trees and thus they can dump Angelo and Lovie. I'm really still too god damn pissed to keep doing this, so I'm going to quote this absolutely spot-on article by Mark Potash of the Sun Times entitled " 6 Reasons for the Bears' Fall"-

"Perhaps the biggest problem the Bears have is that they're a family-oriented organization that thinks everybody is doing a heckuva job. Lovie Smith raising his voice to his team at halftime is considered "accountability."

From top to bottom, the Bears hierarchy is the Peter Principle run amok. Team president Ted Phillips is a director of finance/contract negotiator. Jerry Angelo was a director of player personnel. Lovie Smith was a defensive coordinator. They' were all new to their present job when they were hired. It was easy when the Bears reached the playoffs in 2005 and the Super Bowl in 2006. But with a likely third consecutive payoff-less season, somebody needs to see that the arrow is pointing straight down. But who? It takes a complete disaster for Lovie Smith to acknowledge an underpeforming player -- he still thinks the Bears are a running team. How long will it take Jerry Angelo to acknowledge an underperforming coach? Or Ted Phillips to acknowledge an underperforming general manager. And if you think the McCaskey's are going to be able to quickly acknowledge an underperforming team president, you have more faith in the Bears than I do. "

You should read the rest of the article, too. In case you still aren't sure just how fucked this whole mess is.

Fuck.

NFL Picks Week 11

And now for the NFL picks, otherwise known as me selling my soul for wins by picking against the Bears for the second straight week. I'm 3 games back of Red, here are the picks for this week:

(3-6) Washington @ (6-3) Dallas

Code Red: Well that’s easy. Cowboys.

Iggins!: Yeah I’m gonna attribute the Redskin’s win last week to the hilariously inevitable meltdown of the Broncos. Cowboys win.

(1-8) Cleveland @ (1-8) Detroit

Iggins!: VOMIT BLECH HURLLLLLLLL. Detroi….BLEEEEHHHHHHHH… t wins.

Code Red: Holy shit. I realize it’s blacked out, but could the almighty football gods just intervene right now and prevent this game form being played at all? Guuuh. Lions win?

(4-5) San Francisco @ (5-4) Green Bay

Code Red: San Francisco. No reason, I just want to believe Green Bay sucks as bad as the Bears do.

Iggins!: So do I, but we both know that just isn’t true. Green Bay wins.

(6-3) Pittsburgh @ (2-7) Kansas City

Iggins!: I will not pick you, KC. Pittsburgh wins.

Code Red: No shit? Against Pittsburgh? Nice call, Sherlock. Steelers.

(5-4) Atlanta @ (5-4) NY Giants

Code Red: One team has been inconsistent from week to week, one team’s been inconsistent from month to month (5-0 start followed by 0-4). I guess the Giants, because they’re at home and due for a win.

Iggins!: Until the Giants beat a good team I can’t pick them against one. Atlanta wins.

(9-0) New Orleans @ (1-8) Tampa Bay

Iggins!: Freeman has looked really good, but in a week filled with games pitting teams who have yet to prove if they’re good or bad against eachother, this one is pretty cut and dry. New Orleans wins.

Code Red: He has looked good, but they need a lot more than a promising young quarterback in Tampa. Saints win.

(3-6) Buffalo @ (5-4) Jacksonville

Code Red: Buffalo sucks, and they aren’t going to get a “spark” from firing Jauron. Jags win.

Iggins!: Interesting The Jaguars will be 6-4. Something is wrong with the world. Jaguars win.

(9-0) Indianapolis @ (5-4) Baltimore

Iggins!: Baltimore is better than 5-4 but they’re still much worse than the Colts. Indy wins.

Code Red: My sentiments exactly. Colts win, and honestly, the only thing I want to see now (unless the Bears pull some miracle out of their ass and vault back into contention), is a Saints-Colts, Breesus vs. Manning Superbowl. That would be some damn good tv.

(3-6) Seattle @ (8-1) Minnesota

Code Red: God damnit. Minnesota.

Iggins!: Minnesota wins.

(6-3) Arizona @ (1-8) St. Louis

Iggins!: St. Louis almost wins a lot of games, unfortunately for them that doesn’t count for shit. Arizona wins.

Code Red: Kurt Warner seems to step up his game against his old team. Oh wait. Everyone does. ‘Cuz the Rams suck. Cardinals

(4-5) New York Jets @ (6-3) New England

Code Red: The Pats will be out for blood to avenge both their early season loss to the Jets and last week’s embarrassment in Indy. Pats win.

Iggins!: Yeah, I don’t think crying before the Pats game will help the Jets turn it around. Pats win.

(7-2) Cincinnati @ (2-7) Oakland

Iggins!: Cincinnati wins.

Code Red: Hoo boy. At least they finally benched JaMarcus? Bengals win.

(6-3) San Diego @ (6-3) Denver

Code Red: Orton isn’t likely to start (and Chris Simms Bloooooows), and teams are starting to exploit their weaknesses. Chargers win.

Iggins!: The Broncos have entered a tail spin and are nearing the ground. The clincher is they’ll give up the division lead to the Bolts for good here. Chargers win.

(5-4) Philadelphia @ (4-5) Chicago

Iggins!: I refuse to pick the Bears. Picking them is what we call “madness”. Go Bulls and Blackhawks. Eagles win.

Code Red: I live by a strict moral code. It’s going to continue costing me games in the standings, but I do not pick against the Bears. Bears win.

(3-6) Tennessee @ (5-4) Houston

Code Red: FOR GOD’S SAKE, BEAT VINCE YOUNG. Texans win.

Iggins!: Tennessee wins. What, did you think I’d pick against him?

NCAA Picks, Week 12

Last week Red and I tied at 7-3 in our NCAA picks and I inched ever closer to the overall lead by going 10-5 in the NFL while he went 9-6. This means I am gaining on him because of the Bear's failure. WHY GOD?!

Iggins!: 104-63 Overall (64-33 NFL, 40-30 NCAA)

Code Red: 107-60 Overall (60-37 NFL, 47-23 NCAA)

On to this week's NCAA picks:

#10 Ohio State @ Michigan

Iggins!: If Ohio State loses here it would pretty much prove how mediocre the Big 10 is before bowl season comes around. But I can’t pick against OSU here, OSU wins.

Code Red: Michigan sucks, and they will miss bowl season two years in a row, causing me endless joy. Ohio State wins.

Oklahoma @ Texas Tech

Code Red: For a long time I said Oklahoma wasn’t really that bad, but there’s just no denying after the loss to Nebraska that losing Bradford (twice) has sucked the wind outta their sails, and Mike Leach shall prey on their gloom. Texas Tech wins.

Iggins!: Yeah it’s hard to take Oklahoma after that crap fest. Texas Tech wins.

#8 LSU @ Ole Miss

Iggins!: So honestly, after Florida and Bama, the SEC is a pile of mediocrity. The Pac 10 is the best conference top to bottom by far. I guess we’ll see in the bowl season, when Iowa plays LSU and Penn State plays GEORGIA OR OLE MISS (yes one of those teams is the 4^th best team in the SEC). LSU wins.

Code Red: What the hell, I’ll go with Ole Miss, because LSU doesn’t strike me as all that good, and Ole Miss has to win at least one “big” game after the way they’ve been raped in all of their previous ones. Ole Miss wins.

#14 Penn State @ Michigan State

Code Red: Might Penn State actually beat a not-completely shitty team on the road? Yes. Penn State wins.

Iggins!: I flip a coin…and… Penn State wins.

#25 California @ #17 Stanford

Iggins!: So here’s what’s going to happen in the Pac-10. Stanford will win this game, Oregon will beat Arizona, and Oregon State will beat Oregon in Corvallis the final game of the season to win (!) the Pac-10. So enjoy the battle of the OSUs in the Rose Bowl. Stanford wins.

Code Red: Dude, where are you getting these rankings? Are you using the BCS? Cool kids use the AP, son. Or the SKORankings. My point? Cal sucks, they do not deserve to be ranked. Stanford wins.

Iggins!: Well hate them as I might I use the BCS because they determine everything.

Kansas @ #3 Texas

Code Red: Mark Mangino, the almighty fat one, is in danger of losing his job due to alleged physical and verbal harassment of players, just two years after going 12-1 and winning the Orange Bowl. Chances are he was physically and verbally harassing players then, too, but now that he’s lost 5 straight and is in danger of missing bowl season, its suddenly unacceptable. Texas Wins.

Iggins!: When did verbally abusing players become unacceptable? Texas wins.

#11 Oregon @ Arizona

Iggins!: I already said who’s win here. Seriously though the 5^th best team in the Pac 10 is USC. Fuckin USC. Oregon, OSU, Zona, Stanford are all better and that’s not a knock on USC. This conference is dominant and bowl season will probably prove that. Oregon wins.

Code Red: Oregon wins, and beats Oregon State next week to clinch the Pac 10. Also, USC, which got its ass handed to it by Oregon and Stanford, beat Oregon State 42-36 in a game that wasn’t as close as the score indicated. Oregon State will Not win the Pac 10, give it up. Your mother went there and raised you with an irrational love of the Beavers. We get it, now knock it off. Oregon Wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, and Oregon got raped by a Stanford team that Oregon State beat AT Stanford, so what’s your point, Mr. This-team-beat-this-team?

Kansas State @ Nebraska

Code Red: ……Kansas State? Seriously, I have no fucking clue which one of these teams is better. They both suck.

Iggins!: In case the folks at home are wondering, this game is for the Big 12 North title (basically). Nebraska because they’re at home. The Big 12 title game is going to be hilarious. Nebraska wins.

Guest Article: Rick Morrissey Continues To Wander Off On His Path To Total Idiocy‏

Today, SKO readers, we have a very special guest, Mike D. of Hire Jim Essian!, everyone's favorite Cubs blog. Mike, who is well aware of our campaign against the incompetence of Rick Morrissey, wished to share his wonderful fisk-job of Morrissey's latest steaming pile of crap. So without further ado, here's Mike (with Morrisey in Italics):

It's like I always say: If you want to know what's wrong with your local NFL team, ask an ophthalmologist.

Huh?

Wait a second, that's not what I always say. What I always say is, if you want to know what's wrong with sports these days, pay attention to the pushy parents behind the athletes.


What? Rick Morrissey always says that? What kind of people willingly hang out with this guy, what with his always assuming sports are riddled with wrongness, and that the problem can be whittled down to one overly trite example? Frankly, I’d rather explore the ophthalmologist angle.

Figuring out what possessed Dan Grossman, ophthalmologist and father of former Bear Rex Grossman, to rip the Bears isn't too hard.

No. No, Rick, it’s not too hard. Not too hard at all. One merely needs to flip the page to yesterday when your dying industry’s Irv Kupcinet stand-in Fred Mitchell took a break from interviewing old and dead athletes to give Dan Grossman a chance to vent at what he perceived to be a raw deal for his son while leading the Bears to only their second Super Bowl in team history.

He's another father fighting his kid's battles.

Or maybe the fact that Fred Mitchell called Dan, and not his son Rex, meant Mr. Grossman had no choice, you talentless, couldn’t-spell-analogy-if-he-were-spotted the “a-n-a-l-o-g” buffoon.

Many of us have an inner voice reminding us of the importance of letting our kids learn their own lessons.

Rick misspelled “Many”—he meant “some”—and instead of writing “the importance of letting our kids learn their own lessons” he clearly intended to write “how ridiculously fortuitous our lot in lot has been, to where we find ourselves writing a daily sports column for a major metropolitan newspaper in spite of the fact that we are terrible at writing and have no feel for sports, but we manage to drown out these inner voices with gallons of grain alcohol.” This would, of course, qualify as a major non sequiter, which is why I know it’s right for a Morrissey column.

But more than a few parents have no such voice,

So sad. Who will speak for these souls?

no such filter, no such clue.

You’re really pulling at my heartstrings, you melodious, prosaic bastard.

They're the ones calling college campuses to complain about their 20-year-old's grade in 19th Century French History.

Did I say non-sequiter earlier? I thought we were talking about Rex Grossman, NFL quarterback who attended college at—wait for it—Florida. Is Morrissey drawing some ersatz analogy between Napolean Bonaparte and Steve Spurrier?

They're the ones typing their kids' resumes. They're the ones calling their adult children three times a day.

They’re the ones who came to America, persecuted for their beliefs back home, beliefs which sprung from a lifestyle unavoidably intertwined with their industry--the harvesting and distribution of straw. These “strawmen” as they came to be known in Europe—they are the ones who are ruining sports.

I really need to stop using the word "children." Rex Grossman is 29.

Exactly. So now you realize how off you were in the first place, right?

Twenty-nine!

Whoa. No need to shout, Mr. Righteous Indignation.

Let me see if I have this straight. Fred Mitchell puts down his pudding and rings up Dan Grossman for god-only-knows-what-reason. Maybe Fred needed a new pair of trifocals and in some hilarious madcap sequence, wound up talking to an eye doctor from southern Indiana.

Grossman, now that his son is no longer playing for a team whose media and fanbase wouldn’t know a good quarterback if one pegged them in the gonads with a spiral, speaks out. Bear in mind, Rex Grossman is gone, hasn’t played here in about a year. We have a very good quarterback now (although Rick, in several earlier demonstrations that he really should have a restraining order issued to him from topics revolving around the quarterback position, may still not have grasped this). This is only a story if, upon hanging up the phone, Dan Grossman drives the 350 miles to Chicago and strangles Fred Mitchell to death for bothering him with this inanity.

So, having properly baited the guy, the Tribune comes out FULL FORCE with this article and also have their entire staff pile on with their thoughts.

Piling on the father. Of a quarterback. Who no longer plays for this team.

And who’s leading the charge? Sir Whiffsalot, of course.

If I were Rex Grossman, I would be looking for a hole to crawl in from the embarrassment my father has caused me.

Instead you’re Rick Morrissey and you should be looking for a hole to crawl in from the embarrassment that YOU have caused YOUR father.

I would be trying to understand why I still have my dad speaking for me in the pages of the Tribune,

Yes, I’m sure that’s how it happened, you revisionist buttwipe. I’m sure Fred Mitchell REALLY called Rex first, and Rex told him, “You need to talk to my dad.”

especially when I don't recall asking him to do so.

So a father needs permission from his TWENTY NINE year old son to spout off on something’s that bothering him. He’s not allowed to express that now?

Seriously, I don’t known if Rick is a father or not. But if he is, I wonder how he would react if A) his kid was all grown up (but hopefully, for the kid’s sake, without Rick’s 3 foot schlong for a nose), and B) working in a profession where (s)he was visible to the masses, while C) talentless, smart-ass mopes like Rick Morrissey, whose only skill was in gravitating to the lowest common denominator, were D) taking potshots at his kid... that he wouldn’t feel it his right--WHEN ASKED—to express the frustration HE had felt, as a parent, about the whole situation? I’m not related to Rex Grossman, and but whenever anyone ASKS me about his time in Chicago, I’ll always say he was treated unfairly. That’s simply my opinion. Why can’t the guy’s dad have his? He’s the guy’s fucking father, for crying out loud.

And I would be wondering how tone-deaf a parent has to be to think that firing on his son's former team is a good idea.

I would think not firing on the team while his son was on the team showed restraint. What’s the harm in a player’s dad firing on said team once his kid’s not only gone, but in a different conference, for a team against whom the Bears will not play again until 2012?

Dan Grossman would like everyone to know that the Bears can't develop quarterbacks and that his son got jobbed.

Well I’d say he’s right and, if I’m not mistaken, you have generally agreed with that first part, Rick.

If you were a Houston Texans teammate of Rex Grossman's, what would you be thinking about him today?

I dunno. Maybe “Hey check out that mouthbreather whose backing up Matt Schaub. I played against him in the SEC. He’s sometimes pretty good and sometimes pretty shitty. Good thing he’s our backup.”

That he sure has a supportive dad?

Of course, Rick. Many pro football player immediately take inventory of their teammates' parental situation. It’s important to Mario Williams whether or not Steve Slaton’s mom breast-fed him, and that DeMeco Ryans knows whether or not Andre Johnson’s dad beat him as a child.

Or that it's more than a little creepy having a father who spouts off publicly?

Oh Christ, I can’t even mock this guy anymore. Did he just burn off 40 words to imply that the Houston Texans—a 5-4 team that is in the thick of a wildcard spot that would deliver the first-ever playoff appearance for their franchise--are giving any attention to this non-story up in Chicago? Can Rick really be this delusional that anyone outside of Bill Adee’s staff truly gives a shit?

I'll go with Door No. 2.

And now you’re pissing on Monte Hall. I WILL DESTROY YOU!

On any level, this wasn't a good move by dear, old dad.

You’re right. It wasn’t a good move. Of course, it wasn’t a bad move, either. It’s NOTHING.

Texans management has to be wondering when Dan Grossman is going to pop off about the situation in Houston.

First of all, why do they have to wonder? Secondly, the situation? What situation? Dan Grossman was complaining about how his son was treated when he started here, he's not bitching about playing time. Finally, even if the Texans were to wonder when Grossman will “pop off” again--a pretty remote chance of that, to be sure but work with me in Rick's fantasy world for a second-- well maybe they’re thinking it’d be after his son leaves, like HE DID IN CHICAGO.

The guess here is if Rex doesn't get his chance in the next year, the eye doctor will question the Texans' vision.

What a horrible guess. If I didn’t know what a shallow, cynical thinks-he’s-being-clever hack Rick Morrissey was, I’d accuse him of just being dumb. Since Dan Grossman didn’t say a peep during his son’s stay in Chicago, the evidence actually would support that he’d take the same tack in Hosuton, if it all.

If Rex does get his chance, can Houston's offensive coordinator expect weekly calls from Papa Grossman?

(You know what, I have a confession to make. It’s 1 AM, and I’ve had a long day. I began reading this article 16 hours ago on the CTA and by the time I got to this point in the article, I stopped. I was also thinking of fisking it like I’m doing now but was immediately distressed to see that there were SO MANY MORE PARAGRAPHS OF THIS CRAP LEFT. So I just figured I’d still fisk it, without reading it past this point ahead of time, on the presumption that Rick would not fail to riddle it with mockable offenses to human decency. You could say that the GUESS here is that Rick will not disappoint me.

I also hate Rick Morrissey just for making this exercise necessary.)

Whether Dan Grossman was right or wrong about what ails the Bears and their quarterbacks, he further painted his son as a man who needs his dad to stand up for him.

So regardless of the validity of Grossman’s point, he—hold on I’m going to have to quote this because I think I need a translation “further painted his son as a man who needs his dad to stand up for him.” Further? That would imply that Rex Grossman has always needed his dad to stand up for him. But AGAIN, this is the first time Dan Grossman has said anything. It’s almost as every word that Rick Morrissey writes reflects the opposite of reality. Truly bizarre. Maybe he’s a genius, a latter-day, cosmic retro version of a love child between Lewis Carroll and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, sent here to provide us with an alternate reality.

That's exactly what a big, tough football player needs, isn't it?

Wow. Now Rick’s putting on his big boy pants to try to bully an NFL player. I love when sportswriters do this. Ha ha, Rex, who’s laughing NOW?!?! HAHA*COUGH*HA. Ow--My asthma!

But I wonder if I'm in the minority on this.

If the majority is “sane, reasonable people with a well-adjusted adaptation to reality”, then you can stop wondering, Rick. You are.

I had a conversation recently with a friend about one of his sons, a soccer player.

Oh great. Here we go. Rick dragged us through his broken glass trail of factual inaccuracies, schlocky analogies and all-around smarminess just so he could bring us to our destination—his asshole neighbor.

The friend believed his 10-year-old deserved more playing time. My advice was to let it play out, that if the boy were good enough, his talent would shine through. But the father and another friend thought I was dead wrong,

DEAD WRONG. You do NOT argue with people whose parents and grandparents emigrated from Strawlandia.

that the right thing was to talk to the coach and impress on him that the kid was, by any measure, one of the better players.

These are two of the more level-headed people I know.

For “people” who go absolutely apeshit when you light a match near them, sure.

Maybe my way of thinking has become passé.

Oh look at you. You fancy yourself Andy Rooney now. Good gord this is awful, even for you, you meandering twit.

All I know is I would have been mortified if my mom had complained to any of my coaches about playing time as I was growing up.

Because you wore black socks to practice and played with Tonka trucks in right field, I’m guessing even your mom knew how silly it would have been to advocate on your behalf.

And I don't think many parents would have complained in those days.

No. parents never complained before. They just drank more, smoked, and wheeled around town without putting on their seatbelts while tossing McDonalds polystyrofoam Big Mac containers out their windows. A simpler time. NO COMPLAINING.

Today? It starts early and, apparently, lasts a lifetime.

To what exactly does “it” refer? Herpes?

In a way, then, Dan Grossman is the logical expression of a society developing stage parents at a frightening rate.

Holy shit. Rick has managed to take this thin sliver of nothingness and allow it to prop himself up into his Sociologist Armchair. What other lessons on society can we learn from this profound example of Dan Grossman initially speaking his mind to a senilic sportswriter?

I would suggest to him that, because his child turns 30 next year, it might be time to let go.

That’s right. You can still give him money on the weekends if you’d like, but emotional supports has limits, Mr. Grossman. You must stop defending your life and blood.

He likely would ask why he's supposed to stop caring about the boy.

I’m amazed Rick would actually consider this ounce of humanness.

But that's just it. Caring parents let children make their own mistakes and find their own solutions.

Where does Dan Grossman not allow his kid to make his own mistakes? AGAIN, this guy never said a peep while his son was here. Further, does Rick Morrissey truly suppose that Rex Grossman was unaware that, say, when he was getting picked off all night against Arizona in 2006 that he was playing poorly? Grossman was maddening, but nobody—not even the great penisface Rick Morrissey—can say he never was accountable for his poor outings. He stood up and admitted when he sucked. What’s the problem here? By the same token, if someone wants to make the case that Rex Grossman received a disproportionate amount of vitriol for a guy who, on balance, fared relatively well here—a valid point and a not-too-difficult stance to advocate—who the hell is Rick Morrissey to tell him to shut up? Oh, wait. He’s one of the guys who mercilessly ripped Grossman while he was here. Now it makes sense.

Some of Dan Grossman's comments were reasonable, but others were just plain ridiculous.

And I’m Rick Morrissey. I KNOW ridiculous.

He said NFL teams ignored Rex Grossman in the offseason "because of all the baggage he had to carry coming out of Chicago."

Certainly plausible. How else do you explain that there was no market for a quarterback who, two years earlier, had thrown for over 3,000 yards and 23 touchdowns while leading his team to a Super Bowl?

Teams ignored him because they saw the same thing everyone else did: Rex Grossman was all over the place consistency-wise.

“All over the place, consistency-wise”? Isn’t that redundant?

If he's as good as his dad thinks he is,

He would have led SOME team to the Super Bowl by now.

he wouldn't be the second-string quarterback for the Texans.

There are worse gigs in the NFL, you know. Plus, he’s only TWENTY NINE.

He would be a starter somewhere. Maybe even in Chicago.

Now you’re just asking to get punched in your penisface, seeing as how you were Torch-Bearer #1 in The Running—Rex—Out—Of--Town Brigade.

If Rex Grossman had said the things his father did, it would have been one thing.

But he didn’t, so let’s stop wasting more space with your hypothetical fantasies.

We could have judged the statements on their merits.

And if your dad could have pulled out, I’d be sleeping right now.

The criticism came from Dr. Grossman, though, and it opened his son to ridicule.

By you, and your entire fucking soon-to-be-irrelevant newspaper, yes.

Is there a mute button in the house?

Don’t know. I’d settle for your computer to crash, though.

Also, I hate you.

Week 12 College Rankings

As we near the end of the regular season:

1. (-) Florida (10-0)- I'm not sure why people seem so concerned about their failure to dominate offensively. Their only obstacle is Alabama, a team that's clearly more offensively challenged, and their defense is good enough to stick it to any offense in the country.

2. (-) Texas (10-0)- A ho-hum drumming of Baylor keeps them on track.

3. (-) Alabama (10-0)- See above, but replace "Baylor" with "Mississippi State".

4. (-) Boise State (10-0)- I Still like them better than TCU.

5. (-) Cincinnati (10-0)- So they didn't start Tony Pike, they just brough him in the red zone? I'm so confused. Stop with your use of two amazing quarterbacks, damnit, and give me one.

6. (-) TCU (10-0)- I still like them less than Boise State (see what I did there?).

7. (-) Georgia Tech (10-1)- Could be a shootout with Georgia this weekend, but I don't see Joe Cox being able to keep up. GT makes it to the ACC title game with ease.

8. (+1) Pittsburgh (9-1)- They get West Virginia this weekend, who can still be dangerous, but it's more than likely that it'll all come down to next week's game vs. Cinci for all of the marbles. If Wannstedt wins that I may vomit.

9. (+1) Ohio State (9-2)- And Sweatervest is going back to the BCS, probably against Oregon. God damnit.

10. (+1) Oregon (8-2)- If they make it past Arizona and Oregon State the Pac 10 is theirs. However, the loss to Harbaugh has shaken my confidence in their ability to not fuck up.

11. (+1) LSU (8-2)- There's absolutely nothing remarkable about this team. The SEC right now consists of two leviathans, one well-rounded but unimpressive team (LSU), and then 9 teams that can each only play one half of the ball.

12. (+5) Oklahoma State (8-2)- They're at least talented enough to be the #12 team? Even though they've lost the only two tough games they've played.

13. (+3) Penn State (9-2)- See my last comment about OK State.

14. (-6) Iowa (9-2)- Woops. I hath committed the faux pas of ranking Iowa below a team they beat. I'm too lazy to fix it. Have fun in the Capitol One Bowl, boys.

15. (+7) Stanford (7-3)- Harbaugh is an unstoppable machine.

16. (NR) Clemson (7-3)- Similar to my Texas Tech clause, Iggins! demands that I rank Clemson whenever possible.

17. (+4) Wisconsin (8-2)- It all sucks from here on out.

18. (+2) Virginia Tech (7-3)- They're just too talented to have three losses. I'm disappointed in you, Frank Beamer.

19. (NR) Oregon State (7-3)- And they're back! Every single time I've ranked them they've lost their next game. Sorry Beavers, I hath jinxed you again.

20. (-5) USC (7-3)- The guys over at Every Day Should Be Saturday compared USC's losses to Oregon and Stanford this year to Nebraska's blowout loss to Colorado in 2001, which signalled the beginning of the end for the Cornhusker's decades long reign of asskickery. I think that's crap. USC is undeniably mediocre this year, but they have a true freshman quarterback who has shown flashes of serious potential, their usual stack of young blue chippers, and an offensive staff that's slowly gaining experience. They'll be back next year.

21. (-13) Miami (7-3)- What happened to the 'Canes being "back"?

22. (+1) Temple (8-2)- 8 wins, people. Temple. 8 wins. This is a school that hasn't been to a bowl since 1979. In the last 20 seasons before this one they've won a grand total of 48 games, (an average of 2.4 wins per season). Hell, Ron Dickerson, who coached the team for 5 seasons from 1993-1997, won 8 games Total in that time. What Al Golden has done is nothing short of amazing.

23. (-5) Utah (8-2)- Sorry Utah, you may have won a BCS bowl last year, but you aren't a Cinderella story, so you get to sit behind Temple.

24. (+1) Central Michigan (8-2)- Dan Lefevour is still a really good quarterback.

25. (-11) Houston (8-2)- There we go.

God Damnit

I can't really explain what I saw last night. Well, from everyone but Jay, I'll give you the simplest answer possible: They suck. They're the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Jesus this team is stuck in a 2002 like death spiral and I don't know how they slow it down. I never thought that I'd be considering 5-11 or 6-10 with Jay Cutler at the helm, but this is what we're staring into the face of, and if the McCaskey's tight wallets keep Lovie after that I'm not sure what I'll do. This team is just a shitty, poorly constructed, fundamentally weak group of absolute morons. What the hell was with Chris Williams just throwing his girth at a 49er after the play was dead on the last drive? What was with the 900 penalties throughout the game? I haven't seen a football team this pathetic since Jauron left. That's where things stand right now. There's no looking back and laughing at all of those crappy Wanny and Jauron teams like they're some distant past now. There's absolutely no reason to believe this team is better than any of those ones. God fucking damn it. I'm absolutely sick of this shit.

As for Cutler, well, I don't know what you want from me. Analysis? Defense? To say that it wasn't his fault that Hester fell down or that Kellen Davis was interfered with? Yeah, that's great, so he only threw 2 interceptions that were mind-numbingly stupid and fucked his team's chances in the red zone. Great. There's the Franchise. I can't keep him separate from my rants against the suck on this team. He's right there with them now. Can I blame them for dragging him down into the muck with them? Sure, why not.

We are in hell right now. As much as any football fan not in Cleveland, Detroit, Oakland, St. Louis, or Buffalo can be. Everything that could have gone wrong this season pretty much has, from the moment Jay threw his first pick in Green Bay and Urlacher's wrist snapped in half. Kyle Orton's 6-2 in Denver. No, I don't think he's had much to do with the 6 wins. He's had a lot to do with the 2 losses, but that doesn't change how much it chaps my ass that he's at 6-2 and the Bears are 4-5. Cutler's played three games on prime time tv and has been a complete embarassment in all three. The Eagles are coming in next week. God fucking damn it. I don't want to watch that. I just flat out do not want to watch. Before this season I thought I was well past that point of ever being so disgusted that I don't even want to watch my own team. I figured no matter what, the games should be entertaining with a real, live offense. Well, turns out I was wrong.

I hate this fucking team, and so should you.