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Friday, November 20, 2009

Guest Article: Rick Morrissey Continues To Wander Off On His Path To Total Idiocy‏

Today, SKO readers, we have a very special guest, Mike D. of Hire Jim Essian!, everyone's favorite Cubs blog. Mike, who is well aware of our campaign against the incompetence of Rick Morrissey, wished to share his wonderful fisk-job of Morrissey's latest steaming pile of crap. So without further ado, here's Mike (with Morrisey in Italics):

It's like I always say: If you want to know what's wrong with your local NFL team, ask an ophthalmologist.


Wait a second, that's not what I always say. What I always say is, if you want to know what's wrong with sports these days, pay attention to the pushy parents behind the athletes.

What? Rick Morrissey always says that? What kind of people willingly hang out with this guy, what with his always assuming sports are riddled with wrongness, and that the problem can be whittled down to one overly trite example? Frankly, I’d rather explore the ophthalmologist angle.

Figuring out what possessed Dan Grossman, ophthalmologist and father of former Bear Rex Grossman, to rip the Bears isn't too hard.

No. No, Rick, it’s not too hard. Not too hard at all. One merely needs to flip the page to yesterday when your dying industry’s Irv Kupcinet stand-in Fred Mitchell took a break from interviewing old and dead athletes to give Dan Grossman a chance to vent at what he perceived to be a raw deal for his son while leading the Bears to only their second Super Bowl in team history.

He's another father fighting his kid's battles.

Or maybe the fact that Fred Mitchell called Dan, and not his son Rex, meant Mr. Grossman had no choice, you talentless, couldn’t-spell-analogy-if-he-were-spotted the “a-n-a-l-o-g” buffoon.

Many of us have an inner voice reminding us of the importance of letting our kids learn their own lessons.

Rick misspelled “Many”—he meant “some”—and instead of writing “the importance of letting our kids learn their own lessons” he clearly intended to write “how ridiculously fortuitous our lot in lot has been, to where we find ourselves writing a daily sports column for a major metropolitan newspaper in spite of the fact that we are terrible at writing and have no feel for sports, but we manage to drown out these inner voices with gallons of grain alcohol.” This would, of course, qualify as a major non sequiter, which is why I know it’s right for a Morrissey column.

But more than a few parents have no such voice,

So sad. Who will speak for these souls?

no such filter, no such clue.

You’re really pulling at my heartstrings, you melodious, prosaic bastard.

They're the ones calling college campuses to complain about their 20-year-old's grade in 19th Century French History.

Did I say non-sequiter earlier? I thought we were talking about Rex Grossman, NFL quarterback who attended college at—wait for it—Florida. Is Morrissey drawing some ersatz analogy between Napolean Bonaparte and Steve Spurrier?

They're the ones typing their kids' resumes. They're the ones calling their adult children three times a day.

They’re the ones who came to America, persecuted for their beliefs back home, beliefs which sprung from a lifestyle unavoidably intertwined with their industry--the harvesting and distribution of straw. These “strawmen” as they came to be known in Europe—they are the ones who are ruining sports.

I really need to stop using the word "children." Rex Grossman is 29.

Exactly. So now you realize how off you were in the first place, right?


Whoa. No need to shout, Mr. Righteous Indignation.

Let me see if I have this straight. Fred Mitchell puts down his pudding and rings up Dan Grossman for god-only-knows-what-reason. Maybe Fred needed a new pair of trifocals and in some hilarious madcap sequence, wound up talking to an eye doctor from southern Indiana.

Grossman, now that his son is no longer playing for a team whose media and fanbase wouldn’t know a good quarterback if one pegged them in the gonads with a spiral, speaks out. Bear in mind, Rex Grossman is gone, hasn’t played here in about a year. We have a very good quarterback now (although Rick, in several earlier demonstrations that he really should have a restraining order issued to him from topics revolving around the quarterback position, may still not have grasped this). This is only a story if, upon hanging up the phone, Dan Grossman drives the 350 miles to Chicago and strangles Fred Mitchell to death for bothering him with this inanity.

So, having properly baited the guy, the Tribune comes out FULL FORCE with this article and also have their entire staff pile on with their thoughts.

Piling on the father. Of a quarterback. Who no longer plays for this team.

And who’s leading the charge? Sir Whiffsalot, of course.

If I were Rex Grossman, I would be looking for a hole to crawl in from the embarrassment my father has caused me.

Instead you’re Rick Morrissey and you should be looking for a hole to crawl in from the embarrassment that YOU have caused YOUR father.

I would be trying to understand why I still have my dad speaking for me in the pages of the Tribune,

Yes, I’m sure that’s how it happened, you revisionist buttwipe. I’m sure Fred Mitchell REALLY called Rex first, and Rex told him, “You need to talk to my dad.”

especially when I don't recall asking him to do so.

So a father needs permission from his TWENTY NINE year old son to spout off on something’s that bothering him. He’s not allowed to express that now?

Seriously, I don’t known if Rick is a father or not. But if he is, I wonder how he would react if A) his kid was all grown up (but hopefully, for the kid’s sake, without Rick’s 3 foot schlong for a nose), and B) working in a profession where (s)he was visible to the masses, while C) talentless, smart-ass mopes like Rick Morrissey, whose only skill was in gravitating to the lowest common denominator, were D) taking potshots at his kid... that he wouldn’t feel it his right--WHEN ASKED—to express the frustration HE had felt, as a parent, about the whole situation? I’m not related to Rex Grossman, and but whenever anyone ASKS me about his time in Chicago, I’ll always say he was treated unfairly. That’s simply my opinion. Why can’t the guy’s dad have his? He’s the guy’s fucking father, for crying out loud.

And I would be wondering how tone-deaf a parent has to be to think that firing on his son's former team is a good idea.

I would think not firing on the team while his son was on the team showed restraint. What’s the harm in a player’s dad firing on said team once his kid’s not only gone, but in a different conference, for a team against whom the Bears will not play again until 2012?

Dan Grossman would like everyone to know that the Bears can't develop quarterbacks and that his son got jobbed.

Well I’d say he’s right and, if I’m not mistaken, you have generally agreed with that first part, Rick.

If you were a Houston Texans teammate of Rex Grossman's, what would you be thinking about him today?

I dunno. Maybe “Hey check out that mouthbreather whose backing up Matt Schaub. I played against him in the SEC. He’s sometimes pretty good and sometimes pretty shitty. Good thing he’s our backup.”

That he sure has a supportive dad?

Of course, Rick. Many pro football player immediately take inventory of their teammates' parental situation. It’s important to Mario Williams whether or not Steve Slaton’s mom breast-fed him, and that DeMeco Ryans knows whether or not Andre Johnson’s dad beat him as a child.

Or that it's more than a little creepy having a father who spouts off publicly?

Oh Christ, I can’t even mock this guy anymore. Did he just burn off 40 words to imply that the Houston Texans—a 5-4 team that is in the thick of a wildcard spot that would deliver the first-ever playoff appearance for their franchise--are giving any attention to this non-story up in Chicago? Can Rick really be this delusional that anyone outside of Bill Adee’s staff truly gives a shit?

I'll go with Door No. 2.

And now you’re pissing on Monte Hall. I WILL DESTROY YOU!

On any level, this wasn't a good move by dear, old dad.

You’re right. It wasn’t a good move. Of course, it wasn’t a bad move, either. It’s NOTHING.

Texans management has to be wondering when Dan Grossman is going to pop off about the situation in Houston.

First of all, why do they have to wonder? Secondly, the situation? What situation? Dan Grossman was complaining about how his son was treated when he started here, he's not bitching about playing time. Finally, even if the Texans were to wonder when Grossman will “pop off” again--a pretty remote chance of that, to be sure but work with me in Rick's fantasy world for a second-- well maybe they’re thinking it’d be after his son leaves, like HE DID IN CHICAGO.

The guess here is if Rex doesn't get his chance in the next year, the eye doctor will question the Texans' vision.

What a horrible guess. If I didn’t know what a shallow, cynical thinks-he’s-being-clever hack Rick Morrissey was, I’d accuse him of just being dumb. Since Dan Grossman didn’t say a peep during his son’s stay in Chicago, the evidence actually would support that he’d take the same tack in Hosuton, if it all.

If Rex does get his chance, can Houston's offensive coordinator expect weekly calls from Papa Grossman?

(You know what, I have a confession to make. It’s 1 AM, and I’ve had a long day. I began reading this article 16 hours ago on the CTA and by the time I got to this point in the article, I stopped. I was also thinking of fisking it like I’m doing now but was immediately distressed to see that there were SO MANY MORE PARAGRAPHS OF THIS CRAP LEFT. So I just figured I’d still fisk it, without reading it past this point ahead of time, on the presumption that Rick would not fail to riddle it with mockable offenses to human decency. You could say that the GUESS here is that Rick will not disappoint me.

I also hate Rick Morrissey just for making this exercise necessary.)

Whether Dan Grossman was right or wrong about what ails the Bears and their quarterbacks, he further painted his son as a man who needs his dad to stand up for him.

So regardless of the validity of Grossman’s point, he—hold on I’m going to have to quote this because I think I need a translation “further painted his son as a man who needs his dad to stand up for him.” Further? That would imply that Rex Grossman has always needed his dad to stand up for him. But AGAIN, this is the first time Dan Grossman has said anything. It’s almost as every word that Rick Morrissey writes reflects the opposite of reality. Truly bizarre. Maybe he’s a genius, a latter-day, cosmic retro version of a love child between Lewis Carroll and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, sent here to provide us with an alternate reality.

That's exactly what a big, tough football player needs, isn't it?

Wow. Now Rick’s putting on his big boy pants to try to bully an NFL player. I love when sportswriters do this. Ha ha, Rex, who’s laughing NOW?!?! HAHA*COUGH*HA. Ow--My asthma!

But I wonder if I'm in the minority on this.

If the majority is “sane, reasonable people with a well-adjusted adaptation to reality”, then you can stop wondering, Rick. You are.

I had a conversation recently with a friend about one of his sons, a soccer player.

Oh great. Here we go. Rick dragged us through his broken glass trail of factual inaccuracies, schlocky analogies and all-around smarminess just so he could bring us to our destination—his asshole neighbor.

The friend believed his 10-year-old deserved more playing time. My advice was to let it play out, that if the boy were good enough, his talent would shine through. But the father and another friend thought I was dead wrong,

DEAD WRONG. You do NOT argue with people whose parents and grandparents emigrated from Strawlandia.

that the right thing was to talk to the coach and impress on him that the kid was, by any measure, one of the better players.

These are two of the more level-headed people I know.

For “people” who go absolutely apeshit when you light a match near them, sure.

Maybe my way of thinking has become passé.

Oh look at you. You fancy yourself Andy Rooney now. Good gord this is awful, even for you, you meandering twit.

All I know is I would have been mortified if my mom had complained to any of my coaches about playing time as I was growing up.

Because you wore black socks to practice and played with Tonka trucks in right field, I’m guessing even your mom knew how silly it would have been to advocate on your behalf.

And I don't think many parents would have complained in those days.

No. parents never complained before. They just drank more, smoked, and wheeled around town without putting on their seatbelts while tossing McDonalds polystyrofoam Big Mac containers out their windows. A simpler time. NO COMPLAINING.

Today? It starts early and, apparently, lasts a lifetime.

To what exactly does “it” refer? Herpes?

In a way, then, Dan Grossman is the logical expression of a society developing stage parents at a frightening rate.

Holy shit. Rick has managed to take this thin sliver of nothingness and allow it to prop himself up into his Sociologist Armchair. What other lessons on society can we learn from this profound example of Dan Grossman initially speaking his mind to a senilic sportswriter?

I would suggest to him that, because his child turns 30 next year, it might be time to let go.

That’s right. You can still give him money on the weekends if you’d like, but emotional supports has limits, Mr. Grossman. You must stop defending your life and blood.

He likely would ask why he's supposed to stop caring about the boy.

I’m amazed Rick would actually consider this ounce of humanness.

But that's just it. Caring parents let children make their own mistakes and find their own solutions.

Where does Dan Grossman not allow his kid to make his own mistakes? AGAIN, this guy never said a peep while his son was here. Further, does Rick Morrissey truly suppose that Rex Grossman was unaware that, say, when he was getting picked off all night against Arizona in 2006 that he was playing poorly? Grossman was maddening, but nobody—not even the great penisface Rick Morrissey—can say he never was accountable for his poor outings. He stood up and admitted when he sucked. What’s the problem here? By the same token, if someone wants to make the case that Rex Grossman received a disproportionate amount of vitriol for a guy who, on balance, fared relatively well here—a valid point and a not-too-difficult stance to advocate—who the hell is Rick Morrissey to tell him to shut up? Oh, wait. He’s one of the guys who mercilessly ripped Grossman while he was here. Now it makes sense.

Some of Dan Grossman's comments were reasonable, but others were just plain ridiculous.

And I’m Rick Morrissey. I KNOW ridiculous.

He said NFL teams ignored Rex Grossman in the offseason "because of all the baggage he had to carry coming out of Chicago."

Certainly plausible. How else do you explain that there was no market for a quarterback who, two years earlier, had thrown for over 3,000 yards and 23 touchdowns while leading his team to a Super Bowl?

Teams ignored him because they saw the same thing everyone else did: Rex Grossman was all over the place consistency-wise.

“All over the place, consistency-wise”? Isn’t that redundant?

If he's as good as his dad thinks he is,

He would have led SOME team to the Super Bowl by now.

he wouldn't be the second-string quarterback for the Texans.

There are worse gigs in the NFL, you know. Plus, he’s only TWENTY NINE.

He would be a starter somewhere. Maybe even in Chicago.

Now you’re just asking to get punched in your penisface, seeing as how you were Torch-Bearer #1 in The Running—Rex—Out—Of--Town Brigade.

If Rex Grossman had said the things his father did, it would have been one thing.

But he didn’t, so let’s stop wasting more space with your hypothetical fantasies.

We could have judged the statements on their merits.

And if your dad could have pulled out, I’d be sleeping right now.

The criticism came from Dr. Grossman, though, and it opened his son to ridicule.

By you, and your entire fucking soon-to-be-irrelevant newspaper, yes.

Is there a mute button in the house?

Don’t know. I’d settle for your computer to crash, though.

Also, I hate you.

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