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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

In a Week With Many Contenders, Michael Silver Surprisingly Wins Award for Biggest Favre Dong Chugger

Not that "biggest" and "dong" should be in the same sentence as "Favre" at this point, but my God, can you get more delusional than this screed in which Silver talks about Favre as some kind of mythical hero despite him completing 41% of his passes and committing three costly turnovers in a loss? You know the drill, Silver's in italics.

Brett Favre’s return to the Meadowlands was a resounding flop. He was clearly undone by the NFL’s investigation of the lewd text messages he’s accused of having sent to a former New York Jets employee, not to mention a sore throwing elbow. And that whole Return of 84 thing? Randy Moss was but a whisper, having been completely neutralized by Antonio Cromartie.

So basically he sucked and Randy Moss didn't change that, nor did his presence change the fact that the Vikings have a shitty offensive line (which is apparently a requirement for membership in the NFC North). I like where you're going with this, Mike.

On one of the most hyped Monday nights in recent memory, the Minnesota Vikings had nothing.

That's not true. They have a 1-3 record!

And then, with 2:10 remaining in the third quarter, Favre dropped back, delivered a pass more perfect than a Hawaii sunset and changed everything – everything – about a game, a team and a still flickering dream.

Except it didn't change the fact that the Jets had the lead (which they never relinquished), it didn't change his team's losing record or their place in the standings, and it did absolutely nothing to change their flickering hopes. Because they lost. But let's judge Favre on the one or even all three of his blind luck passes to open receivers whom Rex Ryan inexplicably left in single coverage while nonsensically blitzing on 3rd and 17 or 3rd and 19, not the 20 incomplete passes he had (leaving him at 41.2% for the night).

Favre and the Vikings didn’t finish the job Monday, falling short by a 29-20 score after the Jets’ Dwight Loweryended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for touchdown. Yet even though they are 1-3 and 2½ games behind the Chicago Bears in the NFC North, the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia.

Wait. Didn't you just say he was clearly undone by the NFL's investigation? Also, let's fix that "ended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for a touchdown" by adding "that Favre threw. Straight at a defender. On a terrible throw." Because if we're judging Favre and the entire Vikings season on one pass, Mike, I choose that one.

When Favre floated that over-the-shoulder beauty to Moss down the right sideline – which the receiver caught after crossing the end line with Cromartie as close to him as legally possible – a light went on in the dormant purple-and-gold universe, and suddenly the quest to take that last, final step through the Super Bowl threshold was very much alive.

And then it was very much dead when Favre floated that side-armed beauty into the hands of a waiting Jets defender, who took it as far as legally required to score a game-clinching gift-wrapped touchdown.

As Favre jubilantly raced toward the end zone to bear-hug Moss and celebrate the 500th touchdown pass of his career, a thick layer of stress and negativity evaporated, and it was no longer about what was wrong with the team that last year came within a few blades of turf of going into New Orleans and winning the NFC championship game.

It was no longer about that because fucking fellatio artists like yourself decided to make it about all about adding another chapter to the epic saga of Favre-gamesh. The best part about this sentence is that just a few minutes later Favre HANDED THE GAME TO THE JETS ON A PICK SIX and the Vikings were 1-3 and left to wonder what is wrong with them (I've got a quick answer for them: It's the 41 year old bum playing quarterback). Oh also, they came within a few blades of turf and a BRETT FAVRE PICK THAT HANDED THE GAME TO THE SAINTS of winning the NFC championship game.

Now it was Favre, for the love of the game and within the us-against-the-world cocoon of devoted teammates, running around like no 41-year-old man should have a right to and making plays that no one else can, or ever could

No. Fuck you. Nothing Brett Favre does is for the love of the game. NOTHING. That myth died the second he forced his way out of retirement so he could play for the Jets and BY HIS OWN ADMISSION show Ted Thompson he could still play. It should have died again after he forced his release from the Jets so he could take the revenge one step further. It should have died after he claimed his holdout this summer wasn't about money before coming back the second the Vikings gave him a raise. He is the greatest narcissist in an industry that breeds nothing but narcissists. You people are pathetic.

Looping a ball off his back foot to Percy Harvin on a crossing route that the swift second-year receiver gathered in stride and took to the house.

Yeah, that was blind luck. He threw it off of his back foot, as you note, and Harvin barely gathered it in before racing for the first down and the touchdown because the Jets had called a blitz for no apparent reason and left him wide open. Any quarterback regardless of age could have made that throw. Well, except Todd Collins.

Putting a sick spin move on Vernon (The Ghost) Gholston to buy time on a two-point conversion attempt.

Which he didn't convert, because he threw an interception.

Delivering another resplendent TD pass to Harvin, then getting the ball back down two points with just under two minutes remaining and spines tingling all over the football-watching world, with a gleam in his eyes that said, “This is why I’m here.”

And then he THREW A TERRIBLE PASS THAT WAS INTERCEPTED AND RETURNED FOR A CLINCHING TOUCHDOWN. Holy shit, man. "gleam in his eyes"? How did you manage to type this with one hand in your pants? What the f*&k is wrong with you?

No, Favre didn’t pull off the fantastic finish. Realistically, he started too late, and he left himself too little margin for error.

No, Favre didn't pull of the fantastic finish. Realistically, he was mostly terrible all night and completed just 14 of 34 passes. He fumbled twice and threw a game-ending pick six. He left himself too little margin for error and yet still made three crippling errors. He has a 67 quarterback rating this year and 7 interceptions because he's old and terrible, but he made three lucky passes that didn't win his team the game and yet somehow outweigh all of the really, really terrible things he did that directly contributed to his team losing this game.

However, after the way he opened up the stormy New Jersey skies Monday night, don’t bury him or these Vikings until they’re mathematically eliminated. I’m guessing they flew home a rejuvenated, hopeful crew of believers, Moss included, and that beginning Sunday in the Metrodome against the Dallas Cowboys they’ll do everything they can to avoid waiting until late in the third quarter to put opposing defenses on blast.

Right. Don't count the Vikings out of playoff contention until they're out of playoff contention. Also, apparently you didn't see Favre's mopey ass press conference, where he looked like a tired ass old man.

Even if those 17 minutes of magic were the last we’ll ever get from Favre, I’ll be grateful, for they were that good. But I really, really get the feeling that he’s pretty far from done.

I'll be grateful, too, because I thoroughly enjoy watching Brett Favre cost his team games by throwing the ball directly to opposing teams. I really, really get the feeling that it's not the last time he'll fuck his teammates over like that.

College Football Roundup, Week 6

Illinois 33, Penn State 13
That was a total shot in the dark. I had zero faith that Illinois would actually do this, regardless of whether or not I picked them. That was awesome. A bowl actually seems LIKELY at this point (Coach [Redacted] will now lose 6 straight).

Michigan State 34, Michigan 17
This was about what I expected. Michigan just doesn't have the....anything..to pair with Denard Robinson.

California 35, UCLA 7
Nevada curb-stomped Cal by 38 points. UCLA demolished Texas 32-7. The always correct transitive-property of college football thereby dictates that Nevada could beat Texas into the Sun Belt.

Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
Arkansas has a disturbing habit of racking up huge point totals in the first half and then puckering up in the second. Against Alabama, that's understandable, but against Jerrod Johnson it's concerning.

South Carolina 35, Alabama 21
Shocking. I wonder how badly Steve Spurrier regrets benching Stephen Garcia against Auburn right now. SC could be undefeated and sitting pretty atop the SEC.

Oregon State 29, Arizona 27
And Oregon State's annual run of midseason excellence begins.

LSU 33, Florida 29
Les Miles...fuck, I don't know.

Florida State 45, Miami 17
Yeah...the ACC blows.

Stanford 37, USC 35
Watching Kiffykins' get his heart torn out on last second field goals in back-to-back weeks makes for damn good television.

That's all for now.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Bears 23, Panthers 6 and A Lot of Ugly In Between

Well, most of that game played out the way I expected. It was excellent to see Matt Forte get going. I had begun to think that it was illegal for a runningback to bounce it outside, but apparently not. Anywho, onto the Good/Bad

THE GOOD:

Matt Forte: Just an absolutely fantastic performance from #22: 166 yards rushing, 22 yards receiving, and 2 TDs. Those are the kinds of numbers we've been expecting for awhile. Hopefully that can carry over against teams that are actually good (although, to be fair, Carolina had been allowing just 112 ypg and a 3.3 average on the ground before this game).

Julius Peppers: I've been a fan of the Peppers signing since day one. I thought it would be hard for a defensive end to justify 91 million dollars, but hey, it ain't my money. So far, however, he's been worth every fucking dime. He's some kind of man-beast.

UrlacherBriggsSamoa: The three headed monster was at it again, with Urlacher turning in an interception, Briggs and Tino each compiling a sack, and all three of them contributing to my raging erection. Please stay healthy, guys.

Izzie Idonijie: Izzie had the kind of production we should expect from the guy benefiting from the attention given to Julius Peppers as he tallied 3 sacks. Beautiful. I sure as hell don't miss Mark Anderson.

The Secondary: Yeah, Clausen is a not-good douche-bazooka, but this was still an impressive performance as they held the Panthers to just 96 yards passing and Tillman added an interception as well. Kudos, boys.

The Bad:

The offensive line (Sorta): They didn't exactly do a stellar job of opening up holes, but it's an accomplishment all by itself that they were able to jam up the middle and give Forte some cutback lanes, something they've sucked at all year. Brilliant move by the coaching staff to get J'Marcus Webb and Edwin Williams some playing time, as they both played pretty well. The pass blocking was still rather sketchy, although Collins should have thrown the ball on 1 of the sacks he took. Improved performance, but not quite there yet.

Jimmy Clausen: I just hate this surly-looking toehead. He reminds me of someone....I can't remember who... but that guy was also an entitled dickhead with little in the way of actual talent and I enjoyed watching both of them get pounded into the turf.

Todd Collins: This is a special moment, Todd. For you have joined: THE PANTHEON OF EPICALLY BAD CHICAGO BEARS QUARTERBACKS.

Roll Call: Concannon, Rakestraw, Carter, Douglass, Huff, Nix, Avellini, Phipps, Evans, Lisch, Tomczak, Willis, Furrer, Mirer, Stenstrom, McNown, Chandler, Burris, Stewart, Quinn, Krenzel, Hutchinson, Griese and....

TODD COLLINS.

Don't thank me, buddy. You earned it with your 6/16, 32 yd, 4 INT performance, and frankly, your 10/27, 68 YD, 0 TD, 5 INT performance in 7 quarters of work truly ranks among the, umm, rankest in the illustrious history of shitty Bears QBs. Your 5.9 (no, that is not a f*&king typo) QB rating will (assuming you never throw another pass as a Bear, and God help me if you do) place you as the LOWEST RATED STARTING QB IN BEARS HISTORY. Move over, Will Furrer (7.3 rating in 1992), you've been dethroned. Holy shit, Todd. Ho. Lee. Shit.

Well, that about does it for now. Good effort by every unit that didn't involve Todd Collins today. They beat up Carolina the way they should have. Let's pray for Cutler's speedy recovery and that Todd finds himself on the waiver wire reaaaaal soon. I'd rather try to steal Josh McCown from the UFL than see Todd in a Bear uniform again.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Chicago @ Carolina
Code Red: Sigh. After last week’s disaster I’m struggling to put my optimism in the offense back together. I think the defense will destroy Jimmy Clausen, though, so for this week I think they’re safe. Bears win.

Iggins!: Trade for Logan Mankins. Trade Forte, or picks, or whatever. Just trade for a couple of linemen, Jerry. Bears win.

Code Red: Honestly, Jerry Angelo is to the offensive line as Jim Hendry is to a bullpen. They throw money at the problem until that doesn’t work, then they’ve spent all their money so they rely on young, unproven guys and the result is always the same: suck.

Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati
Iggins!: The Bengals couldn’t possibly lose to the Bucs after losing to the Browns the week before. Bengals win.

Code Red: They could possibly. Oh they could. But for one more week I’ll gamble on Cincy, since they’re at home. Bengals win.

St. Louis @ Detroit
Code Red: When the hell is Matt Stafford coming back? Rams win, because they may somehow wind up winning their division.

Iggins!: Detroit has an awesome habit of staying close in every game they play just long enough to kick their tortured fanbase in the nuts once a week. Rams win.

NY Giants @ Houston
Iggins!: It isn’t like the Giants looked great against the Bears either. Texans win.

Code Red: The Texans did allow a lot of sacks to the Redskins. I’ll pick the Giants here, but only because I need one more win in a game like this before I believe the Texans have bucked their usual trend of shitting the bed.

Denver @ Baltimore
Code Red: I’m sorry, Kyle, but I need you to have a bad game against Baltimore so I can stop hearing twits like Peter King state that you’re better than Jay like all things are equal and you don’t play in a stats-inflating spread offense with actual living, breathing offensive linemen (I know Orton got sacked 6 times last week, but 6 sacks in 56 dropbacks really isn’t that bad compared to 9 sacks in 20 dropbacks). Ravens win.

Iggins!: Brandon Lloyd is a fantasy dynamo. Never thought I would write that. Ravens win.

Atlanta @ Cleveland
Iggins!: Nice win for Cleveland and white guys everywhere last week. Thank you, Peyton Hillis, for breaking the racist stereotype that white guys can’t be RBs. Maybe one day the racial discrimination will stop, and we will all remember Peyton Hillis. His team will still lose, though. Hey, Jackie Robinson didn’t win ‘em all either. Atlanta wins.

Code Red: I fully expect Atlanta win this game when Seneca Wallace (or is Delhomme finally back? That’ll be hilarious) trips on his own teammate in the end zone and gives the Falcons a game-winning safety and then I expect the national media to spend all of their time talking about how the Bears 3 wins (hopefully 4 after Sunday)aren’t legit. Falcons win.

Kansas City @ Indianapolis
Code Red: The streak ends here. Sorry Chiefs. Colts win.

Iggins!: Peyton is gonna be pissed. Colts win.

Jacksonville @ Buffalo
Iggins!: Can’t pick Buffalo. Jacksonville wins.

Code Red: *Vomits on his desk* Oh God. Oh the horror. You know Jacksonville will find some fucking way to lose this game. You just know they will. But I can’t..pick…Buffalo. Jags win. But they won’t. Because they’re dickheads.

Green Bay @ Washington
Code Red: Even after last week’s incredibly underwhelming win over the Eagles, I can still say that Washington isn’t any good. Green Bay wins. Sigh.

Iggins!: The only thing the Redskins can do is pass, and they’re facing a great pass defense. Packers win.

New Orleans @ Arizona
Iggins!: Arizona being at 2-2 is a goddamned travesty. Saints win.

Code Red: MAX HALL! The Cardinals are hoping he can be the best homegrown QB they’ve had since a young Jake Plummer. I expect more of a Josh McCown type effort. Oh, and they’re going to lose by 30. Saints win.

Tennessee @ Dallas
Code Red: In order to prove that some things never change, I’m going to pick the Cowboys will Iggins! is surely going to go with Vince Young. Cowboys win.

Iggins!: Not after last week, sir. Cowboys back with a vengeance. Cowboys win.

Code Red: Sonofabitch.

San Diego @ Oakland
Iggins!: I am so tempted to take Oakland. All San Diego has done this season is disappoint, and Oakland has looked mediocre, which is a vast improvement over last year. But not just yet. I can’t pick the Raiders yet. Chargers win.

Code Red: He makes very good points. But I can’t pick the Raiders ever. It’s like gambling on Les Miles. You can’t predict the beast. Chargers win.

Philadelphia @ San Francisco
Code Red: Well, San Francisco is this year’s “team with a bunch of nationally-televised games that everyone thought would be good that will instead just shit their pants in front of the entire country four-five times.” Last year it was our own beloved Bears, so we’re happy to pass off the torch. Eagles win. Maybe? I think Kolb is starting, so he and Alex Smith will be competing to see who can underthrow more passes to their fullback in the flat.

Iggins!: Vick and Shady are hurt. The Niners will finally get a win. 49ers win.

Minnesota @ NY Jets
Iggins!:
Randy Moss is a Viking again… holy shit that’s gonna be weird. I might care if he had a quarterback. Jets win.

Code Red: Agreed. The Moss deal will be amusing solely because I look forward to seeing the media find a way to blame him for Favre’s next interception into triple coverage. Jets win.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 6

Standings:
Code Red: 53-23 (28-18 NFL, 25-5 NCAA)
Iggins: 45-31 (25-21 NFL, 20-10 NCAA)

Yes, bitches, that's an 8 game lead.

Onto this week, where Iggins! opportunities for a comeback are somewhat limited:

Illinois @ Penn State
Code Red: I don’t really believe in moral victories, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Illinois responded to their impressive defensive showing against OSU by falling apart completely against Penn State. But what the hell, I’ve got an 8 game lead. Illinois wins.

Iggins!: You are very generous, sir. Penn State wins.

Michigan State @ Michigan
Iggins!: The first good team Michigan has faced, Denard has gotten injured in each game he’s played, and Michigan doesn’t have a defense. Seriously, I’m not sure if they field 11 players on defense. At the very least I’m positive they only have two people in the secondary at all times. Michigan State wins.

Code Red: Again, this looks like it may be the one Michigan State team every decade that actually wins 10 games. MSU wins.

Arkansas @ Texas A&M
Code Red: I can’t for the life of me figure out why so many people are jumping off of Ryan Mallett’s draft stock because Alabama confused the shit out of him in the 4th quarter. Before that he’d gashed what’s easily been the nation’s best defense for 3 years running for well over 300 yards. Peyton Manning never won a game against Florida when he was in college. He turned out okay. ARMCOCK shall be back with a vengeance this week, while I’m going to be sure to record this just for the pure joy of watching Jerrod Johnson keep Texas A&M in and out of this game simultaneously. Armcockansas wins.

Iggins!: I don’t understand QB ratings going into a draft. Sometimes it seems like Kiper ranks them highly based entirely on physical ability, take for instance Jake Locker who has never done anything of any importance at Washington, and sometimes he takes a ridiculous amount of points away from a guy who has a bad game. Why does Mallett suffer so much when Locker went 4-20 against Nebraska? Either way Arkansas is a better team. Arkansas wins.

Pittsburgh @ Notre Dame

Iggins!: Two “disappointing” teams who you are only disappointed with if you haven’t been paying attention to college football for the last 5 years. The difference here is in the QB play, where Notre Dame is clearly superior. Notre Dame wins.

Code Red: Yeah, I really only put this game on here so we can laugh at both snobby Notre Dame fans AND Dave Wannstedt. It’s like a double- decker schadenfreude sandwich. But I agree, ND has a functioning offense, giving them exactly one more functioning unit than Pitt. ND wins.

Alabama @ South Carolina
Code Red:
After watching Spurrier absolutely wreck a masterful performance by Stephen Garcia by benching him for a freshman on the road against a ranked team in the 4th quarter (I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I can’t get over how utterly incompetent Spurrier was in this game), I can’t imagine any chance of him coaching South Carolina to anything better than a 14 point loss in this game. Alabama wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, it’s that type of shit that makes you lose faith in a coaching staff. Might be time for Spurrier to hang it up. Roll Tide?

Oregon State @ Arizona
Iggins!:
I have witnessed the hell that is Arizona’s stadium. Oregon State is worse than Iowa, and even though Iowa didn’t play anywhere near to their potential, Oregon State still isn’t as good as that Iowa team. Arizona wins.

Code Red: I knew he’d use this space to talk up Iowa. This guy can teach you people things about being a homer. It’s like Ron Santo f*&ked Hawk Harrelson and sent their kid to Iowa. Anywho, yeah, Arizona will win.

LSU @ Florida
Code Red: Two teams with great defenses and brainless offensive coordinators. I’m going to take the home team. Florida wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, LSU just can’t keep getting by on that psychotic bastards luck and balls forever. Florida wins.

Florida State @ Miami
Iggins!: Ha. ACC teams. God that’s a great joke. Miami wins.

Code Red: This conference BLOOOOOOOOWS. Miami.

USC @ Stanford
Code Red: Stanford wore down late against Oregon in Autzen, but there’s no way they’ll lose to Kiffykins. Stanford wins.

Iggins!: Oregon is a damn fine team. Stanford is easily second best in the Pac 10 though. Stanford wins.

Arizona State @ Washington
Iggins!: Equal shittiness. Fantastic. Home team? Washington wins.

Code Red: I’ll roll with Washington since they came up big for me last week.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Around the NFL, Week 4

Atlanta 16, San Francisco 14
So the Falcons have now beaten the Cardinals, who suck, and the Saints because of a missed field goal, and now the 49ers because of a fumbled interception return where, if Clements had just taken a knee, they'd have lost. Those are three less than convincing wins. Why is it that they get a pass from the "ARE THE BEARS FOR REAL?" media?

NY Jets 38, Buffalo 14
God the Bills are horrible.

Baltimore 17, Pittsburgh 14
I'd still have to go with Pittsburgh as the favorite in that division, since Rapelisberger will give the Steelers a functioning offense.

New Orleans 16, Carolina 14
The three teams that the Saints have beaten are 1-10, and yet they've won those three games by a combined 10 points. Now, New Orleans is a great team and they obviously deserve to be acknowledged as so because of what they did last year, but again, why the hell are the Bears the only team that gets grief for winning 3 close games?

Denver 26, Tennessee 20
As usual, Vince Young only wins when I do not desire it. F*&k you, Vince. You could have done me a solid here and landed on right in McDaniels' smarmy cockface, and you failed.

Cleveland 23, Cincinnati 20
I'm not sure at all how Cleveland won this game despite their absolute refusal to cover the Bengals' receivers at all, but good for them.

Green Bay 28, Detroit 26
Green Bay only beat Detroit by 2 points. They were aided in this by 13 Detroit penalties. Does that invalidate the victory? Well, based on the logic of Green Bay fa-Whatever. Just shut the fuck up now, Cheeseheads, and keep telling yourself all is well with your "Superbowl favorites."

St. Louis 20, Seattle 3
I can't make heads or tails of the NFC or AFC Wests this year, but I do not that I am awesome for calling that St. Louis would win this game. I'm absolutely pulling for them to win the division. The crazy thing is that that's Not unthinkable.

Houston 31, Oakland 24
In previous years this is exactly the kind of game the Texans would have dropped. Maybe they are growing up.

Jacksonville 31, Indianapolis 28
God dammit, Jacksonville. Why can't I ever understand you?

San Diego 41, Arizona 10
With the news that Max Hall will get the start for the Cardinals this week, I can't help but think they should lure their old quarterback out of retirement. You know who I mean.

Washington 17, Philadelphia 12
Wow, Kevin Kolb sucks. It was sickening how much I was forced to agree with Troy Aikman as he ranted and raved about how big of a coward Kolb was for his refusal to throw anything downfield. Oh, and Washington isn't very good either.

New England 41, Miami 14
Thank you, Dolphins special teams, for making the Bears offensive line look like a less atrocious unit by comparison. Brutal. New England's secondary still sucks. And regardless of whatever the "Patriot Way" says, they'll miss Randy Moss. Thanks a lot, assholes.

A New Low

So who is to blame for Sunday night's god awful sackfest? The offensive line (ding ding)? Mike Martz (ding) ? Jerry Angelo (ding ding motherfucking ding)?

No, you fools. Rick Telander has the answer, and it's Jay Cutler's defective pancreas. Yes, Rick Telander is blaming Jay Cutler's diabetes, and even more, he's INDIGNANT that the Bears apparently think this is a stupid thing to suggest (mostly because it's retarded).

Anyway, he's in italics:

You give up something when you live in our socially connected world.

And sometimes you get something taken from you. Like your ability to naturally produce insulin.

Anonymity, freedom, call it what you want.

This is going to be a fucking joy.

So imagine being Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, the most scrutinized person at the most scrutinized position on the most scrutinized entertainment vehicle in Chicago.

When I was 8 years old I was involved in a hit and run accident. Somebody just straight up drilled me with their car, knocked me into a ditch, ruined my brand new bike, and left me there. I walked myself home, bleeding from the top of my skull. My parents took me to the hospital and cat scans revealed a massive concussion. I should state that I don't actually remember any of this, because, well, I was hit by a car and had a massive concussion. I still have frequent headaches and migraines to this day. My point? I know exactly how it feels to be Jay Cutler right now.

Cutler was so badly battered Sunday by the New York Giants that it's a wonder his eyeballs still face forward.

There are sacks and there are sacks, and one of the latter occurred when Giants blitzer Aaron Ross slammed Cutler to the ground less than a minute before halftime. Cutler's head bounced off the turf like a ball off a bat. It was the ninth time Cutler had been sacked, an NFL record for a half.

There are hacks, and there are hacks, like the one's who tell us about how a quarterback was sacked 9 times in a half behind an historically bad offensive line (say what you will, they're on pace to tie the NFL record with 72 sacks in a season) and then are about to try to blame this on his blood sugar level.

Curiously, Cutler stayed in for the next play, even though the Giants futilely called their final timeout. When play resumed, he simply handed the ball to tailback Matt Forte, and the half came to an end.

Okay. He hadn't really talked to anyone yet. Concussions are not ridiculously easy to notice. Hell (WARNING: HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STORY) we had a kid on my team that had one, got up, went to the huddle, broke, and for some reason waited until after the play to remark that he had absolutely no idea where the hell he was. So it's not that mysterious that Cutler stayed in for one last handoff when no one had any idea yet that he was concussed.

The concussion Cutler suffered at some point -- on the last sack or even cumulatively -- is the point at which we want to know something. Maybe it's more than Cutler -- or the Bears -- would like us to know.

What. the. Fuck. Does. This. Mean? Are you trying to say you want to know "at what point" Cutler suffered the concussion? Because if so, you badly botched that. Or are you saying the concussion is "the point" you want to know more about? Jesus Christ, you're awful at your job.

The main question will be answered soon enough: Will Cutler be able to start Sunday against the Carolina Panthers?

So that was your point?

Then there is the question of who failed the most in the disaster: Was it the offensive line, offensive coordinator Mike Martz or head coach Lovie Smith?

You're really not making any kind of argument or anything here. Now you're just listing questions. Weren't you supposed to have "a point"?

Did disease play a role?

No. No it did not. That's an utterly absurd question.

But most important is Cutler himself.

I still don't get what you're trying to say here. The most important question is about Cutler himself? The most important person on the offense is Cutler himself? The person who holds the biggest share of blame is Cutler himself? WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE ANYTHING REMOTELY READABLE?

And a huge question is whether he himself screwed up by not recognizing pass rushes, missing hot reads, moving the wrong way or holding the ball for too long.

Probably. At least a couple times. It happens. To all quarterbacks. Diabetic and non-diabetic ones included. Since the vast majority of quarterbacks are non-diabetic, it stands to reason that DIABETES PLAYS NO FUCKING FACTOR IN THIS YOU TWIT. But alas...

Indeed, there was one sack on which Cutler dropped back, looked downfield, pump-faked ... then was crushed. You don't pump-fake when the hounds are on you.

Cutler was sacked for the first time just 90 seconds into the game. He was sacked for the second time three minutes later.

When did he get dingy?

And there is this: Did his diabetes have anything to do with it?

Dingy? As in: "1. lacking light or brightness; drab 2. dirty; discoloured"? Someone get Rick a new thesaurus. And I'm guessing he got "dingy" somewhere between sack 1 and sack 9. Now, I don't know if you know how diabetes works, but physical contact from other people does not somehow make it better or worse. It stands to reason that if Cutler was tested and was feeling fine before the game, taking a hit from a 290 pound defensive lineman did not knock the insulin out of his veins. It stands to reason because IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE A DIABETIC REACTION TO A FUCKING TACKLE.

That is a very personal question, but it is a valid one for this highly paid athlete.

No, it's not a valid question at all. Not for Jay Cutler, not for any other diabetic. It defies logic and medical science. It's a ridiculous fucking stupid question and I weep that in this economy people with skills and worth to society are struggling to feed their families while you are paid to smear a bunch of shit on a page without any kind of rationale behind it.

It is noble and courageous that Cutler plays pro football at all, let alone stars at the sport, with Type 1 diabetes, a disease that forces him to measure his blood-sugar and insulin levels constantly, even during games.

Oh. My. God. (vomits uncontrollably).

To be slightly off on those levels can cause a diabetic to have blurred vision, reduced reaction time and slight loss of judgment. And who needs total awareness more than an NFL quarterback?

Obviously not a sports columnist for the Chicago Sun Times. You get by just fine with no awareness at all. Also, YOU JUST SAID THEY MEASURE HIS LEVELS DURING THE GAME. So, I'm just going to assume that since they test him, they wouldn't have sent him out onto the field if his levels were dangerously low. And since no one but you is apparently dumb enough to believe that getting sacked can cause your insulin and blood sugar to fluctuate, anyone else could tell you this isn't an issue at all and that you're a god awful excuse for a man.

We largely have forgotten about Cutler's battle with diabetes since he came to Chicago and was very open about his dealings with the late onset of the disease.

We've forgotten about it because it's a private and very manageable condition and it DOES NOT AFFECT HIS PLAY YOU IDIOT.

But it is there. And one can't help but wonder whether the blows to his head, combined with the possible internal effects of diabetes, had anything to do with this horror show.

The blows to his head, yes. The internal effects of diabetes? No. They aren't combined. Because they aren't at all related. You. God. Damn. Idiot.

That he wanted to go back in is irrelevant. Remember that Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten became indignant when he wasn't allowed to re-enter a game against the Bears on Sept. 19, even though he had a concussion.

Irrelevant to what? This isn't a talking point at all. "He wanted to go back in!" is not the defense anyone would have used against this asinine accusation. This paragraph just doesn't belong anywhere, not even in this shit-stained drivel. The rebuttal wouldn't be "he wanted to go back in!" It would be "Rick, you know absolutely nothing about diabetes and sadly even less about football." And then I would kick you in the groin. But I'd give you a candy bar to help with the blood sugar I'd just lowered.

Here is the kicker: Cutler was sacked seven times in the second quarter alone. If that isn't an NFL record, nothing is.

The kicker to what? This doesn't help your argument at all. If you're argument is "diabetes played a factor" then this doesn't help at all. Granted, nothing will, because it's a pathetic and untenable argument, but all this sentence does is provide evidence to EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD who said "hey, Cutler looks out of sorts. Maybe it's because he's GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM." Rather than "I bet he'd have thrown that ball away if he'd eaten a f$%king Snickers bar before this series."

And the rest of this is all drivel about head injuries (is this supposed to be an article about concussions or diabetes or what, Rick?) ending with:

Cutler is paid a lot. He's famous. He dates a beautiful woman. And he gets to do what so many men think they want to do.

But he has some issues right now that the rest of us wouldn't want.

And we'll be finding out what they are.

Well, I certainly wouldn't want hacks like Rick Telander trying to blame me getting my ass kicked behind an awful offensive line on a complete unrelated medical illness of mine. And I love how fucking pompous that last line is. "We'll be finding out what they are!" Rick Telander sees through your facade, Bears organization. He won't rest until you admit that Jay Cutler's diabetes is slowly eating away at him like a modern day Brian Piccolo. Regardless of what you, common sense, or medical science says, Rick knows the TRUTH.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

College Football Roundup, Week 5

Oklahoma State 38, Texas A&M 35
To be honest, I wasn't expecting this game to be entertaining at all. But then it turned out to be the funniest damn game of football I've seen in a looong time (Sunday Night's Bears game excepted, since, well, let's face it, if you can numb yourself out of thinking like a Bears fan and appreciate the complete disintegration of the Bears offensive line for the total farce that it was, that game was pretty funny). First you had A&M jumping out to a 21-7 halftime lead thanks to 3 TD passes by Jerrod Johnson. Then you had Oklahoma State roaring back and then taking a 35-21 thanks to 3 Jerrod Johnson interceptions and a Jerrod Johnson fumble. Then you had Jerrod Johnson rallying to tie the game at 35 with two more TD passes, giving him five on the day. Then Oklahoma State had to punt, and with a minute or so left Jerrod Johnson drove Texas A&M to the edge of field goal range and then...threw his 4th and fatal interception, which OK State returned to set up the game winning kick. So to recap: Texas A&M had 5 TDs and 5 turnovers that OK State turned into points. All of which came at the hands of Jerrod Johnson. He literally accounted in someway for every single point scored by either offense in this game. It was both hilarious and tragic, but mostly hilarious because Mike Sherman is his head coach and watching that man's agony is a highly rewarding experience.

Miami 30, Clemson 21
Miami may finally be shaking themselves free of the pack and climbing to the top of the giant feces heap that is the ACC. Hurray?

Ohio State 24, Illinois 13
Grrr. ANGRY. REFEREE CONSPIRACY. But seriously, Terrelle Pryor is so overrated it makes my ears bleed. If I hear one more person call him a Heisman frontrunner or the nation's most exciting player while he's throwing for 77 yards against Illinois and Denard Robinson is singlehandedly carrying the secondhand leeches of Michigan's offense to victory like the protagonist in an Ayn Rand novel (minus all of the rape and the thinly veiled sociopathy) I may be forced to kill every living thing on this planet.

Michigan State 34, Wisconsin 24
Well shit. I think we may be looking at that one year where Michigan State breaks free of their standard 5-7 or 7-5 average and heads for double digits. Not that I have any problem with that, I just wish I hadn't picked Wisconsin.

Virginia Tech 41, NC State 30
One of college football's many laws: Tom O'Brien will never, ever actually achieve anything.

Michigan 42, Indiana 35
Denard Robinson is averaging 383 yards of total offense per game and he missed 3 quarters against Bowling Green. I don't know what's more impressive, the fact that he generates more offense by himself than 25 BCS schools (including Virginia Tech, West Virginia, Miami, Georgia, Texas, Penn State, Florida, and Tennessee) or that Michigan needs every bit of his superhuman efforts simply to beat Indiana.

Oklahoma 28, Texas 20
Well, I think Oklahoma will now glide all the way to the Big 12 title game, where Nebraska will then destroy them, rape their mothers, and burn their plantation as the Huskers ride off into the night to join the Increasingly Less Accurately Named Big Ten. Oh, and Texas really sucks. Ha.

LSU 16, Tennessee 14
I have no idea what kind of good deeds or deals with Satan that Les Miles has done in order to earn his charmed existence, but I just know that I would never, ever bet against that man's ability to set himself and his own team on fire and still win the god damn football game.

Iowa State 52, Texas Tech 38
This is what happens when you fire Mike Leach, people. I laugh at you, Texas Tech. 52 POINTS FOR IOWA STATE? That's like 125 points for a real school.

Washington 32, USC 31
CALLED IT! Where is your God know, Lane Kiffin?

Oregon 52, Stanford 31
I really have to hand it to Oregon in this one. They are one very well coached football team. They were down 21-3 in this game before they even knew what hit them and yet there was absolutely no sign of panic. Chip Kelly called an onside kick in the second quarter and went for it on 4th and 1 in his own territory in the first half and yet nothing he did seemed to be a gamble. He played the percentages, bet that his team was better, and he won. I have to say, as much as I love Jim Harbaugh and admire what he's done with Stanford, it's important to remember that they've only been at this a few years, while Oregon has been in the upper tier for over a decade. They simply have more depth, and it showed over the second half. I wouldn't be surprised if this was Stanford's only conference loss. Besides, it's been damn near impossible to come into Autzen Stadium and win since the days when Akili Smith and Joey Harrington played QB for the Ducks.*

Alabama 31, Florida 6.
Steve Addazio, you are not good at your job. I think, even if Dan Mullen were still calling the plays for Florida, that they'd have lost this game. But it should never have been like this. The talent disparity between these two teams is small enough that this game should have been a toss up. Instead, for the last two years it hasn't even been close. Nick Saban absolutely destroyed Florida and showed no remorse while Florida ran option plays where the QB was absolutely no threat to keep the ball, ran 5 wides where Alabama didn't even have to pretend to cover the deep routes, and the Gators simply had no answer for anything Alabama did. T'was very sad.

Iowa 24, Penn State 3
Penn State sucks.




*- Yes, that was just an excuse to mention Akili Smith and Joey Harrington in order to laugh at them.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Jesus H. Christ.

As I type this the game isn't over, but the Bears are nonetheless done. I'm not even going to bother doing the good/bad. The defense was outstanding when it could have made a difference. That's all I've really got on that side of the ledger.

Chris Collinsworth certainly wore out the angle that Cutler held the ball too long, and I'd agree on 3 or 4 of those sacks. You know what that means? The Bears still gave up 6 sacks where it wasn't the quarterbacks fault. I've got news for you: That's fucking abominable.

This doesn't make the Bears 3-0 start hollow. Don't let people fool you. The stalwart defense that helped them to that start showed up tonight. They still have a great quarterback, assuming that he'll ever start another game for them. The offensive line that had managed to patch and scheme it's way through the last three games, however, has finally run out of ideas.

I really wish I knew how Jerry Angelo is still gainfully employed. In his time at the helm this team is now 79-69. Throw out the 13-3 record in 2001, when he took over after the draft and had little to no role in building that team, and his record drops to 66-66. In those 132 games since 2002 the Bears have given up 334 sacks, or over 2 1/2 sacks per game. They've absolutely sucked at running the ball in that time period as well, with an average finish of 23rd in the league. My point is that Jerry has no fucking clue as to how to build an offensive line, and this isn't going to change. During the only run of competence this team had from 2005-2006, Angelo simply signed the consensus best offensive linemen on the market (Tait, Brown, and Miller) then watched them all age without making any plans whatsoever to replace them. The one promising young lineman they've had (Josh Beekman) was benched for Frank Omiyale and then cut.

Of all the stupid, overused coach-isms in the sport of football, the one that holds true without change is that you win up front. Angelo seems to believe this wholeheartedly when it comes to the defensive line, since he's thrown away four picks in the top two rounds of the draft on defensive linemen since he's arrived (Micheal Haynes, Tank Johnson, and Dan Bazuin look great right now, don't they?) and spent just two on offensive linemen (Marc Colombo and Chris Williams).

The Bears have a franchise quarterback. The media can tell you he sucks all they want, but Cutler has performed like a great fucking QB since he's arrived. He had three god awful games last year against the Packers, Ravens, and 49ers, but in his other 16 games as a Bear before tonight he's posted the following numbers: 340/531 (64.0%), 3858 yds, 32 TDs, 16 INTs, 7.3 YPA, 241.1 YPG, and a 93.2 Rating. He's been nowhere near as bad as people want you to believe. In fact, he's been really good.

The Bears have, believe it or not, a solid wide receiver corps, with Johnny Knox, Devin Hester, Earl Bennett, and even Aromoshadu all having had their moments of greatness.

They have two backs that have both been solid players before and look good when they have any daylight in Matt Forte and Chester Taylor.

They have a tight end corps so deep and talented that they could actually bench Desmond Clark without any kind of negative impact.

They have a defense that hasn't allowed more than 20 points in any game this season and even kept them in this trainwreck until the 4th quarter.

I can't even blame Lovie for this. And as much as I want to hate on all of the offseason and early season hype about Mike Martz and Tice, I really do believe they've done the best job they could. There's just not a fucking thing in this world that a coach can do to fix the lack of talent on that line.

Is it going to get better? Probably. Chris Williams sucks, but he's at least a raw talent that can offer some hope of competence. Maybe Frank Omiyale really is more "comfortable" on the right side. Not everyone has Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyora. The Bears do still have a favorable schedule. But it's all going to be moot because they're eventually going to run into this again. You want to laugh at Favre's failures and the fact that the Vikings suck? Yeah, that's great, but wait until Jared Allen and the Williams Wall are lining up on the other side of the ball. You think Cutler's going to survive a half against the front seven of the Jets?

I'm sure I'm overreacting. God knows I was willing to believe that the 3-0 start meant something. Those games happened, and the Bears certainly won them, regardless of what anyone else will tell you. There will be better games than tonight in the future, but it's only a matter of time.

Hopefully that statement applies to Jerry Angelo, as well. Get fucked, Jerry.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I Still Hate Big Ten Referees

Watching the Illinois-Ohio State game I was struck by two things: 1) Illinois somehow has a not-awful defense. 2) Terrelle Pryor blows. 3) Big Ten referees are still mostly incompetent, corrupt, or both. Okay, that was three things, but still, there were 3 phantom calls that sustained Ohio State drives. I'm not going to put on the Packer fan' shoes and say that Illinois "deserved" to win the game, but the officials didn't do them any favors. Although Coach [Redacted] did a fine job of fucking things up by kicking the FG instead of going for the TD on 4th and 7 when he lacked a full complement of timeouts and any real possibility of getting the ball back. Thanks, coach.

Guh.

Anyway, show up here tomorrow by 7:20 for the SKOsCast of tomorrow night's game. We'll be in the shoutbox to the right of this post watching the Bears (hopefully) kick the Giants' big blue asses. See ya then!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Prognostication Bukakke! NFL Week 4

Detroit @ Green Bay
Code Red: Detroit is better than they have been the last two years. Tough opening slate, though. Sadly, they'll drop to 0-4 after the Packers win, and Packers fans can go back to believing their own hype for a week.

Iggins!: HA! The Packers are 2-1. It is a good day. Unfortunately they won’t lose this game, Packers win.

Code Red: We’d just like to reiterate at this point that Green Bay is in second place. Behind the Bears. Who beat Green Bay.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Iggins!: This will be a very close game. Cincinnati is worse than last year and Cleveland is better. Still, until the Bengals play Pitt I won’t bet against them in the AFC North. Bengals win.

Code Red: Indeed. Not even Carson Palmer’s tattered and ragged arm can lose this game. Bengals win (weeps once more for the downfall of Carson Palmer’s armcock).

Denver @ Tennesee
Code Red: Tennesee is just a much more balanced team all around, and the Broncos are just 3-10 in their last 13 games. Titans win, and I laugh heartily.

Iggins!: Have I ever picked against Vince Young? Seriously? Titans win.

Carolina @ New Orleans
Iggins!: Sean Payton walks into a bar. Shoots his kicker. Fin. Saints win.

Code Red: Carolina truly blows. Saints win.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Code Red: I think Pittsburgh's defense is better than Baltimore's, and Flacco has sucked against every team that isn't Cleveland. He'll be their downfall against the Steelers, a team he's 1-4 against (including playoffs). Steelers win.

Iggins!: The Ravens haven’t figured out that they’re a running team yet, and they insist on throwing the ball 40 times a game. Until they cut that shit out they can’t beat the Steelers. Pitt wins.

NY Jets @ Buffalo
Iggins!: God Buffalo sucks. I expect 3 INTs from Sanchez this game but the Jets will still win by 20 because the Bills suck that hard. Jets win.

Code Red: Agreed. The most important thing is that Mirerez needs to have a bad game. Jets win, hopefully despite an awful Mirerez game.

Seattle @ St. Louis
Code Red: I do not believe in Seattle at all. Actually, I don't believe they should allow football west of the Mississippi this year, with the exception perhaps of Kansas City and the Chargers once they begin their annual late season run. With that said, the Rams win two in a row because why not?

Iggins!: After week 3 in the season normally you know what you’ve got in almost every NFL team. I still have no fucking idea if any of these NFC West teams are good, mediocre, or really shitty. I will pick Seattle because the Rams can’t be good damnit. Seattle wins.

Code Red: I agree you can’t tell if they’re mediocre or shitty, but I think you’d be safe in saying none of them are good.

San Francisco @ Atlanta
Iggins!: So I just realized that the 49ers have never actually been good under Singletary. They’ve somehow convinced ESPN that they’re good. Unfortunately for them, they are actually terrible. Falcons win.

Code Red: But he rallied them to 7-9! And valiantly led them to 8-8! FIYUR AND PASHUN. Falcons win.

Houston @ Oakland
Code Red: Well, Houston had better win this game.

Iggins!: Bad game last week for Houston. The numbers looked good, they just couldn’t punch it in on a few occasions and it cost them big time. No way they lose here though, Texans win.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Iggins!: So this year the Jaguars have transferred their unpredictability to the Seahawks, and have decided that they are reliably awful. Colts win.

Code Red: But they have Trent Edwards now, so that..should fix nothing. At all. Colts win.

Washington @ Philadelphia
Code Red: I don't care that Philadelphia looks like (and is) a much better team. I love Donovan McNabb, and Philly deserves great pain and suffering. Skins win.

Iggins!: Philly is not a good team, and once they run into a good defense Vick will start getting booed. Unfortunately for the Skins, they don’t have a good defense. Eagles win.

Arizona @ San Diego
Iggins!: San Diego has been disappointing but they don’t have it in them to lose to a team as awful as the Cardinals. Chargers win.

Code Red: Derek Anderson= Less mobile young Jake Plummer. Chargers win.

Chicago @ NY Giants
Code Red: I don't buy that the “desperate” Giants will manage to pull this one out. The Bears are better and should be desperate every fucking week to prove that their start isn't a fluke like last year's 3-1 kick off. Bears win, hopefully big for once.

Iggins!: The Giants have looked terrible the last two weeks and it wasn’t a fluke. Cutler is going to destroy them and the defense won’t allow over 10 points. Bears win big.

New England @ Miami
Iggins!: Good Monday Night games so far this year. Normally this is about the time we see the Cardinals play the Browns or something. The Dolphins will win. I think? I still don’t trust Henne at all. Oh well, go home team! Dolphins win.

Code Red: As much as I hate Chad Henne, he looked damn good against a Jets secondary that’s still above average even without Revis. The Patriots can’t even come close to “above average” in that category, so as long as the Dolphins don’t insist on sticking with the Wildcat even when it’s not working, Henne should lead them to victory. Dolphins win.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 5

Standings:
Code Red: 37-16 Overall (20-12 NFL, 17-4 NCAA).
Iggins!: 33-19 Overall (19-13 NFL, 14-6 NCAA).

So we'll see if Iggins! can make up some of those 4 games this week, or if I can begin to bury him early beneath my jackboot. Onto the college picks:

Texas A&M @ Oklahoma State

Code Red: I know nothing about either of these teams except that A&M is coached by Mike Sherman. That's enough to make me pick the Cowboys. OK State wins.


Iggins!: This is a bit of a toss up. I guess A&M almost lost to FIU last week… so yeah. Oklahoma State wins.


Miami @ Clemson

Iggins!: You trying to lure me into picking Clemson? Ain’t gonna happen. Miami wins.


Code Red: It’s worked so many times before. I’m pretty sure my 9 game lead last year was based entirely off of your constant Clemson and Kansas City Chiefs picks. I guess I take Miami too.


Virginia Tech @ NC State

Code Red: NC State is 4-0 and threatening to be a respectable ACC team. That just can't happen. VT gets a measure of redemption here. Hokies win.


Iggins!: VaTech kind of blows. BUT there is an ACC rule that says a team cannot win two big ACC games in a row, and a rule that says Frank Beamer will blow it early and finish strong when it no longer matters… oh well. Fuck VaTech. NC State wins.


Wisconsin @ Michigan State

Iggins!: This pick is entirely based on this game being played at MSU. MSU wins.


Code Red: Bah. John Clay and Scott Tolzien will get the job done. Wisconsin wins.


Texas vs. Oklahoma (Neutral Site)

Code Red: Wow, both of these teams are 1,000 times worse than last year. Oklahoma has the edge on offense. Oklahoma wins.


Iggins!: I don’t think Texas will lose 2 in a row after that ass whooping last week. And Oklahoma is just as bad as Texas, so I’ll say Texas wins.


AZ State @ Oregon State

Iggins!: Oregon State plays the same way VaTech does every year, they lose twice early then by the time they play Oregon they have a shot at the Pac 10 title. Oregon State wins.


Code Red: Pretty much. They always play well in conference. OSU wins.


Washington @ USC

Code Red: My gamble of the week: Jake Locker restores some of the luster by upsetting Kiffykins.Washington.


Iggins!: USC isn’t good, but Washington sucks. USC wins.


Stanford @ Oregon

Iggins!: Harbaugh! Stanford wins.


Code Red: I like your reasoning, and I’ll also add Andrew Luck. Stanford wins.


Florida @ Alabama

Code Red: If Alabama can confound the armcock of my beloved Ryan Mallett, I can't even imagine the hack job they'll do on the Steve Addazio-John Brantley duo. Alabama wins.


Iggins!: Yeah, Bama is going undefeated. Alabama wins.


Penn State @ Iowa

Iggins!: The mystifying Arizona loss notwithstanding, Iowa has been disturbingly methodical in destroying the opposition. PSU has a freshman QB and, in general, they just aren’t as good as Iowa. Iowa wins.


Code Red: Let me rephrase that: the loss to the one quality opponent they’ve faced notwithstanding, they’ve done a good job of beating up a MAC team, Eastern Illinois, and Iowa State. God you’re an undisciplined homer. Penn State does suck, so Iowa will win, but really, “disturbingly methodical in destroying opponents”? Jesus.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Welcome to the Firing Line, Don Banks

Bears' 3-0 start to season proves it's better to be lucky than good
But what if they're both, jackass?

Five things we learned from watching the Bears pull out a rather-improbable win over the error-prone Packers at Solider Field ..

Or Soldier Field. Also, again, THE ERRORS WERE FORCED BY THEIR INABILITY TO STOP JULIUS PEPPERS AT ALL. Also, the Bears had 5 penalties, a missed field goal, and a dropped touchdown pass on 4th and Goal. STOP ACTING LIKE GREEN BAY IS THE ONLY TEAM TO EVER MAKE A MISTAKE.

1. I'm still not sure how the Bears have found their way to 3-0 for the first time since 2006, but I do know they're the last and most unlikely team to be perfect in the NFC. This Chicago team is living something of a charmed existence so far in 2010; and in its own way, this game deserves to be right there alongside the Week 1 win over the Lions, in terms of winning with good fortune. It's true that Chicago hasn't played a complete game yet, but it's also true the Bears haven't lost yet, either. Would you rather be lucky or good?

I'll tell you how. In game one against the Lions they thoroughly dominated and outgained Detroit by 300 yards. Were it not for four fumbles the game wouldn't have been close. The game was close, and thus the Lions had a chance to win the game on a touchdown pass that wasn't a touchdown pass. They didn't so they lost the game. In Week 2 they went to Dallas, didn't commit a turnover, forced three, played great on both sides of the ball, and kicked the Cowboys' fucking asses. In Week 3 Green Bay had a bunch of long drives consisting of short passes and yet failed to score very often, because the Cover 2 worked to perfection and the Packers could not stop Julius Peppers without pulling him close by the jersey and going for a reacharound. When the Bears had the ball, they scored. Turns out that time of possession doesn't always matter that much. Also, I believe all three Chicago games have gone all four quarters and were complete by NFL rules.

Chicago quarterback Jay Cutler was his team's poster child for this peculiar game. He threw one interception against Green Bay, but it could have easily been five

Or ten! Or 27! Because that's how many passes he attempted! Theoretically all of them could have been picked off. Or they could all have been touchdowns! My god, 27 touchdown passes. Since we're just acting like plays that didn't happen DID happen, let's all stop to commend Jay Cutler on this mind-blowing single game touchdown record.

The Packers dropped two passes that were right in their hands (Nick Collins and Charles Woodson)

So did Desmond Clark. Cutler threw 1 TD pass, but it could have been two! Or 11!

and penalties wiped out two other Green Bay picks.

Banks isn't the only asswipe touting this theory, and I have to commend everyone for this brilliant ignorance of the nature of cause and effect. Those two picks were taken away by the penalties, yes. The way Banks says this, it implies that they were fair interceptions and something unrelated took them away, so Cutler still made a poor decision in both cases. HOWEVAH, on the first one that was taken away, the ONLY REASON the pass was intercepted was because of the helmet-to-helmet contact that knocked the ball of course. If there's no helmet-to-helmet, that's doesn't mean the interception would have stayed, that means the pass would have been completed to Greg Olsen. On the other interception, Cutler saw Bennett being mugged and just threw it up. It's called "drawing a pass interference call." Good quarterbacks do this. CUTLER WOULD NEVER HAVE THROWN THE BALL IF HE DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO GET THE CALL. My God, if Peyton Manning had done that Peter King would have been fogging up the windows of the pressbox while feverishly writing a hagiography touting Peyton's brilliant gamesmanship.

When you add in Green Bay's team-record 18 penalties for 152 yards (breaking a record set in 1945), and the Packers' special-team lapses, this had the feel of a self-inflicted Green Bay loss more than an impressive Chicago victory.

8 of those calls were on the offensive line and were the direct result of the defense holding Julius Peppers to prevent a sack or committing a false start because they were fucking afraid of having to block Julius Peppers. Meaning Green Bay didn't just commit them because they felt like it. Either way, Chicago was going to win the matchup. The roughing the passer nullfied a pick, this is true, but it came on the very next drive after THE SAME CALL WENT AGAINST THE BEARS and kept alive Green Bay's touchdown drive. The Bears commited five penalties as well. It's part of the game. Bad teams commit lots of penalties, and they lose the game because of it.

Skipping....

But I still can't see Chicago keeping this kind of mojo going throughout the season, looking downright outmatched in some parts of every game, but still finding a way to win. It happened against Detroit, in Chicago's shaky second half. It happened at Dallas, where the Bears started the game looking overmatched on the offensive line. And it happened against Green Bay, a team that dominated Chicago statistically for most of the night.

You mean the second half where the Bears took the lead and held Detroit without a single first down until the last drive where Detroit DIDN'T SCORE? And yeah, the Bears had two bad series on the offensive line against Dallas. Apparently two bad series=Cowboys actually dominated. And the only statistics that Green Bay dominated last night were time of possession and first downs. Well, and penalty yardage and turnovers. The Packers actually only had 3 more first downs then Chicago, had fewer rushing yards, and, umm, oh yeah, fewer fucking points.

Skipping some more....

3. The "new and improved'' Jay Cutler looked a lot like the old Jay Cutler to me at times.

Probably because that's just a figure of speech and he's really the same guy. Seriously. They didn't clone him or anything.

But that sure looked like the old, careless Cutler against Green Bay. The Bears quarterback sailed some passes, missed some easy throws and took several unnecessary risks. By his own admission, he didn't play anywhere near his best game in finishing 16 of 27 for 221 yards, with one touchdown and one interception.

But thanks to the sloppy Packers, Cutler didn't wind up paying for most of his mistakes. Cutler had some very pretty throws -- his 21-yard completion to Olsen on 2nd-and-20 in the fourth quarter was a thing of beauty -- and made some big plays when in clutch moments. But you can't live that dangerously every week in the NFL and survive. At the minimum, he threw three passes that should have resulted in Green Bay interceptions, and that would have been enough to get him beat on most nights.

But they weren't intercepted. That's part of playing in the NFL. Aaron Rodgers threw an interception last night, too. He also threw one that hit Izzy Idonijie right in the chest on a blown up screen play. NFL quarterbacks make bad throws. It's true. It totally happens. They have these things called "incompletions" and since no one has ever completed 100% of his pass attempts (other than Marty Booker), it turns out that no quarterback is perfect. Why many of those incompletions were good plays by the defense or could have been intercepted! Hell, you might say Jay Cutler takes a risk any time he puts it up in the air! That mad man!

Seriously, this is shit. Nothing that didn't actually happen in an NFL game matters. Calvin Johnson's no catch? Get the fuck over it, it didn't happen. If Detroit wants to bitch they can try gaining more than 168 yards and getting past the 50 yard line more than once in the second half. If Dallas "absolutely overwhelmed" the Bears they'd have had more than one sack and would not have lost the fucking game. Jay Cutler cannot be judged based on interceptions that didn't happen. I'll judge him based on the 109.7 rating he has on the passes that did.

Eat shit, Don Banks.

Around the NFL Week 3

Man, the day after it still feels really good that the Bears are 3-0 and in first place. It's also hilarious to hear everyone else trying to rationalize away the Packers loss to the point that they're still the "clear favorite" to win the division. That's fine. I'll be content with the "mathematical favorite" for now.

Bengals 20, Panthers 7

Really folks, Carolina is awful. Good to see Jimmy Clausen end the first half of his first start with a zero rating. The problem here is the fact that I'm forced to face the fact that Carson Palmer is done. We all know how much I love a good Armcock, and coming out of USC Carson was more or less the platonic ideal of a QB with armcock, armcockuracy, and all the "intangibles" that mediafolk love. Sadly, the injuries to his knee and rotator cuff have left him a shell of the man he used to be, and I just don't see the Bengals being able to go very far in that division without a quarterback who has a big enough arm to threaten the Steelers or one of the AFC elites in the playoffs.

Patriots 38, Bills 30
Wow, the Pats have a shitty defense. First the gimpy armed Carson Palmer gets them for 345 yards, then Rico Mirerez (yes, he's had two very good games, but Ryan Fitzpatrick's success against the Pats invalidates Mirerez's, while I'm just going to say the Dolphins have a terrible secondary without any evidence to back that up) torches them and now Ryan Fitzpatrick guides the Bills to 30 points. I'm actually beginning to look forward to seeing Cutler go up against them late this season.

Chiefs 31, 49ers 10
Aaaand that should do it for the 2010 49ers. I know the NFC West absolutely blows, but I think that team has just spiraled too far out of control. Pete Caroll will probably win the damn division at 8-8 and I have to see that happy bastard smile once again with an undeserved (well, I suppose in college it was more illegally-earned) sense of accomplishment. Oh, and the Chiefs are good outside of Matt Cassel, who, despite his 3 TDs on Sunday, still really sucks.

Titans 29, Giants 10
If I wasn't a backwards, jinx-fearing fool, I'd point out that the Giants are 4-10 in their last 14 games with 38 turnovers and that they look like a really bad football team. Alas, I won't say that because I'd rather not let the fact that I pointed out that the Giants kind of suck come back to haunt me. Even if they do suck. Nice rebound for VY, who I now begrudgingly root for if only because Jeff Fisher is a dick to him.

Ravens 24, Browns 17
Sure it was only against the Browns and you only threw the ball to Anquan Boldin, but you finally had a good game. Good for you, Flacco! Also, I can't decide if it's hilarious or sad that Browns fans are probably eagerly awaiting the return of Jake Delhomme. Probably both.

Steelers 38, Buccaneers 13
Well, the only thing surprising about this was the Steelers managing 38 points. One more game left without Rapey. They're definitely looking scary.

Falcons 27, Saints 24
Garrett Hartley kinda sucks. The Falcons are good, and they still had to drive down to get their own field goal to win the game, so people shouldn't say they didn't Beat New Orleans, but I'd still take the Saints in this division. It was good to see Matt Ryan finally string together consecutive good games for the first time since the first half of last season. I like the kid. I hope he's back on track.

Vikings 24, Lions 10

I really have to ask why the Lions ignore Calvin Johnson until the 4th quarter. Tough loss for the Lions. Favre still sucked (1:3 TD to INT ratio this year, with a 60.4 rating), but Peterson is doing everything he can to carry the Vikings. I have confidence that that won't be enough to win the North this year.

Cowboys 27, Texans 13
I don't buy that the Cowboys saved their season here, but, then again, the NFC East looks pretty shitty, so who knows? I do know that the Texans proved they're still the Texans by losing yet another winnable game.

Eagles 28, Jaguars 3
Beating a lame duck Jags team doesn't prove much of anything, but I have to finally concede that Michael Vick may, possibly, have learned, maybe, how to pass. In the abstract.

Rams 30, Redskins 16
Well, I didn't see this particular loss coming, but I can't say I'm all that surprised. The biggest problem for the Redskins over the last few years have been an inconsistent defense, one of the league's worst offensive lines, and a lack of a running game behind an aging Clinton Portis. Their fix to all of that was to sign Albert Haynesworth, the $100 Million Dollar Slave, and to trade for another quarterback who can take a beating behind that line. So no, they aren't playoff bound. Also, since we all know I'm a quarterback nut and one particularly interested in the handling of rookie QBs, I'm a huge fan of how the Rams are handling Bradford. They're letting him throw the ball (averaging 39 attempts) but also rolling him out, minimizing his reads, and letting him grow slowly while under fire.

Colts 27, Broncos 13
Suck it, McDaniels.

Cardinals 24, Raiders 23
Thanks to the ineptitude of Sebastian Janikowski, the Cardinals and Derek Anderson (currently sporting a young Jake Plummer-esque 67.6 passer rating) are now in the lead in the NFC West, because everyone west of the Mississippi hates quality football.

Seattle 27, Chargers 20
Well, San Diego's off to their standard September pants-shitting.

Jets 31, Dolphins 23
HOW HARD IS IT TO DOUBLE COVER DUSTIN KELLER? 6 OF THE FIRST 7 PASSES WENT TO HIM! DO NOT MAKE IT EASY FOR RICO MIREZ! Also, Chad Henne looked pissed (and rightfully so) everytime the Dolphins pulled him despite his absolute destruction of the Jets defense (363 yards) in order to run the f%&king Wildcat.

Well, that's it for the NFL this week. Prognostication Bukakke should be up in the next couple days. Go Bears.