Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 11

Bears @ Dolphins
Code Red: I don't think people should be salivating like they are over an easy Bears win over a Dolphins team starting Tyler Thigpen and possibly missing Jake Long. I really liked what Thigpen did as a rookie in Kansas City. It'll be interesting to see if Sparano tries to run the ball against the Bears D or if he'll do what suits Thigpen best and spreads it out. That's what Gailey did for Thigpen in KC and it led to an 18-12 TD:INT ratio, pretty solid for a first year player. I don't know if Miami will trust him that much. That said, I really do think the Bears will win this game by a respectable margin.

Iggins!: Thigpen isn’t a terrible QB, but against the Bears defense he will look like it. Not to mention the Dolphin running game is less than mediocre, and they’re facing a great run D. The thing to be concerned about is the fantastic Dolphins pass defense, but I think the Bears will make it through that to pull off a squeaker. Bears win.

Redskins @ Titans
Iggins!: So hopefully Donovan and everyone else has realized he isn’t going to see any of that money in his contract. Titans win.

Code Red: I still don't buy that the Redskins were actually shrewd. There's something hidden and idiotic in that contract. Titans win.

Bills @ Bengals
Code Red: Hmm..do the Bills pick up two wins in a row for the first time since Clinton was in office or can the Bengals snap their seven game losing streak. I'm actually going to roll with Buffalo.

Iggins!: The Bengals will win, and I swear you won’t see so much as a mention of it anywhere outside of Cincinnati.

Browns @ Jaguars
Iggins!: What a ridiculously hard game to pick. The Browns are playing well above how good they are and the Jaguars seem to win or lose via a random drawing. I’ll take the Browns.

Code Red: The Browns are a solid team fundamentally. Jacksonville is not. Browns win.

Lions @ Cowboys
Code Red: For a while the Lions were good but not lucky. Now I think they're just bad. Tough to lose as many close ones as they have, and to lose Stafford again. Cowboys win.

Iggins!: The Lions have a losing mentality. They have lost close games for 4 years now. No reason to expect that to change. Cowboys win.

Raiders @ Steelers
Iggins!: I won’t fall into your trap, Oakland. The Steelers will bounce back here. Steelers win.

Code Red: Agreed. Oakland doesn't have the passing game to attack the Steelers like New England and New Orleans did. Steelers win.

Cardinals @ Chiefs
Code Red: I expect the Chiefs to stop their slide. Their defense is better than it has looked the last two weeks. That, and Arizona sucks like a 53 man roster of Jake Plummers. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Lots of hate for Jake Plummer from you. Why not pick on Kordell? Chiefs win.

Code Red: Its a long story.

Packers @ Vikings
Iggins!: Favre has a knack for being a dick, I expect him to win here, but I really want him to first break both his legs in this game, then right after the game be informed that he will be suspended for eternity for exposing himself, then get brought to court and registered as a sex offender. So… let’s make that happen. Vikings win.

Code Red: I wish. Packers win.

Ravens @ Panthers
Code Red: Ravens win.

Iggins!: Ravens win.

Texans @ Jets
Iggins!: Oh my beloved Texans, why do you do this every year? Your offense is so stacked! The Texans are in serious need of a new OC. Jets win.

Code Red: They're on pace for the 2nd worst scoring defense of all time and you want to fire the OFFENSIVE coordinator? Jets win.

Falcons @ Rams
Code Red: Ahh. Matt Ryan, former wonder-rookie leading a surprise contender vs. Sam Bradford, current wonder rookie leading a surprise contender. I'll take the veteran. Falcons win.

Iggins!: I need to pick up more games so RAMS in an upset!

Bucs @ 49ers

Iggins!: The Bucs have done a good job of cleaning up all the teams they should this year, so I expect them to win here. Bucs win.

Code Red: The Bucs have another game against the Falcons and the Saints. Those two, plus an upset loss to the Troy Smith-led (Jesus Christ) 49ers should get them out of playoff contention. Where they belong. 49ers win.

Seahawks @ Saints
Code Red: The Seahawks will probably get blown out by 3 touchdowns and then continue on their way to an 8-8 division title. Saints win.

Iggins!: I hate the NFC West with every fiber of my being. Saints win.

Colts @ Patriots
Iggins!: I hate that this is some kind of annual matchup now. I most hate having to hear about it for 7 days until it happens. Patriots win, and let’s be done with this BS.

Code Red: Wait, how did NBC NOT make this the Sunday night game for the first time in 17 years? Colts win.

Giants @ Eagles
Code Red: Michael Vick was outstanding Monday night, and has been all season, but let's not lose sight of the fact that he's yet to face a defense ranked higher than 21st in the NFL as a starter this year. I think the Giants will rebound from their disaster against the Cowboys and hold Vick to non-video game like numbers. Giants win.

Iggins!: I’m going to guess Vick gets injured and Kolb comes in, throws for 300 yards and Shady racks up over 150 total yards, thus causing Philly fan’s heads to explode in confusion over who to hate (because they can’t just love having two good QBs! No, now they have to trade Kolb because keeping the best backup in the NFL for 1.4 million next year to back up your injury prone QB who throws his body around like a kamikaze would be stupid. Fuck you Philly.) Eagles win.

Broncos @ Chargers
Iggins!: The Broncos offense is consistently frightening, it’s just rare to see them get in the end zone as much as they did last week. I’m betting this is one of the weeks where Orton gets 400 yards passing but only 13 points. Chargers win.

Code Red: The Broncos offense is consistently one dimensional and racks up hollow stats against most average-to-above average defenses. The Chargers won't melt down like the Chiefs. Chargers win.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 12

The Standings:

Code Red: 111-59 (62-38 NFL, 49-21 NCAA)
Iggins!: 94-76 (56-44 NFL, 38-32 NCAA)

Yes, that is a 17 game lead. Thanks to a 9-1 streak in my NCAA picks last week (as opposed to a solid .500 for Iggins!) I have absolutely buried my rival. But the charade must continue:

Wisconsin @ Michigan
Code Red: Wisconsin is the best team in the Big Ten without a doubt. Wisconsin wins.

Iggins!: So I was banking on Michigan winning this game before last week, then Iowa did that thing they do every year, but I’ll still bank on Wisconsin screwing this up. Michigan wins.

Virginia Tech @ Miami
Iggins!: Virginia Tech is so goddamned predictable. Throw yourself out of the National Title picture then don’t lose again the rest of the year. Winning when there’s no pressure doesn’t count, Frank. Virginia Tech wins.

Code Red: Wait. Is there ever pressure in the ACC? VT wins.

Illinois @ Northwestern
Code Red: Please, Zook. Get to a god damn bowl game and beat a Northwestern team that doesn't have their starting quarterback. Illini win. Please.

Iggins!: You’re welcome. We injured their QB on the play that cost us the game. I have a sneaking suspicion they have another shifty spread QB ready behind Persa, but I’ll take the Illini to win.

Ohio State @ Iowa
Iggins!: Life sucks. At least I have the Bears? Now that Iowa has no pressure on they’ll probably win by 20. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I actually think Iowa will win this game. They should be able to befuddle Terrelle Pryor and shut down the running game. However, I'm going to pick Ohio State, because I'm going to give this kid a few shots at maybe crawling back to respectability.

Arkansas @ Mississippi State
Code Red: Mallett's armcock will be the difference. Armcockansas wins.

Iggins!: Learned your lesson about betraying Mallett, eh? Arkansas wins.

Oklahoma @ Baylor
Iggins!: Oklahoma is the model of inconsistency, so any pick I give here has a 50-50 shot at being right. I’ll take Baylor at home?

Code Red: I'll take Oklahoma then.

Nebraska @ Texas A&M
Code Red: Hmm. Ryan Tannehill doesn't seem to be the guaranteed 4 pick monster that J-Rod would be in this game. Texas AM may stand a chance, but Nebraska should win.

Iggins!: I don’t want to live in a world where Sherman has a winning team. Nebraska wins.

North Texas @ LA Monroe
Iggins!: What the hell is this shit? What’s the line on this game? You made me do research, asshole! So from what I can tell North Texas has lost all its close games, and ULM has lost by wide margins and won their close games. I will take ULM.

Code Red: I guess I'll take the Mean Green then.

Idaho @ Utah State
Code Red: There were a bunch of shitty games this week, so again I chose to pick some shitty teams. Idaho has a good QB, so I'll take the Vandals.

Iggins!: Did you see that shitheap Idaho calls a stadium? How embarrassing. Utah State wins.

Eastern Michigan @ Buffalo
Iggins!: WOW these teams suck. Buffalo?

Code Red: Eastern Michigan it is.

Miscellani

SKOSCAST tonight at 7:00 PM central time. Game starts at 7:20. Be there or, well, I can't really get mad at you, I've not been in the shoutbox for the last 4 games. But still, I'll be there tonight (and probably intoxicated by halftime), so you should too.

Apologies for the delay in posting this week's Prognostication Bukakke. Iggins! hasn't yet responded to my threats of abuse and gotten his picks in. We'll try to have those up before tonight's game. The kid just doesn't want to wake up and look at his SEVENTEEN game deficit in the standings.

See ya tonight, folks.

F*&king Rick Morrissey. That F*&king F*&k.

You know the drill. Assface is in italics:

Not impressed with Bears

They don't think much of you either, pal.

Several readers chided me Monday for writing about Devin Hester's performance against the Vikings rather than the Bears' overall effort.

I'm sure that was just one of many, many complaints.

They thought I was stubbornly refusing to give the team credit for the victory. There's a very good explanation for that.

You're an insufferable shitbag who chose the Vikings to win, and, as usual, won't own up to the fact that you were wrong? Much like your nearly two-year long smear campaign against Jay Cutler based solely on the fact that you said the Bears shouldn't trade for him?

I was.

Yep.

I'm still having a hard time seeing the Bears as a good football team, especially with the soft-as-a-kitten first-half schedule they recently completed and the here-comes-the-falling-anvil set of games ahead

Right. You should judge them based on games they haven't played yet. Good move!

Maybe it's a genetic thing or maybe I have a chemical imbalance or maybe my eyesight is starting to fail me.

Maybe you're just a cynical douche.

Or maybe I'm right.

This, folks, is Rick Morrissey in a fucking nutshell. In an a week where he should be writing about how he was adamant that the Vikings would win the game, he STILL sits there with a ridiculously undeserved sense of omniscience. "MAYBE I'M RIGHT." Didn't think of that, did you assholes? You'll hear about it if he is. Of course, if he's wrong he'll just write another god damn article saying why the Bears somehow still fail to satisfy his ever-changing and always-retarded standards and his confirmation bias will never, ever allow them to prove him wrong.

When will I be satisfied? When the Bears beat somebody. I don't consider the Vikings to be especially good, not with an aging, battered quarterback and a coach who waddles and quacks like a lame duck.

Mind you, Rick picked that team to beat the Bears Sunday.

And even with all that going against them, I thought they were going to beat the Bears on Sunday. That's where my belief level was and is at.

Because nothing can change your opinion, even when you're proven wrong. That's quality journalism, folks.

I'm looking for quality victories. I know the argument: Any victory is a quality victory in the NFL, especially in the current watered-down version of the league. It's one of those arguments that doesn't have a lot of meat to it, but one that, ultimately, can't be dismissed. Yes, a team's record is the bottom line.

You know what doesn't have a lot of meat to it? Saying a team isn't very good because all they've done is won, but just not in the vaguely unspecified "quality" way you're looking for.

But I also know what a good team looks like. A good team beats up on the Lions. A good team destroys the Bills. A good team doesn't lose to the Seahawks at home.

Exactly. A good team beats up the Lions (lost by 2 to the Packers, 3 to Eagles, 3 to the Jets, 8 to the Giants). A good team destroys the Bills (lost by 8 to the Patriots, lost by 3 in overtime to the Ravens). Hey, how about I further demolish this theory? A good team doesn't lose by 20 to the Browns. A good team doesn't get upset by the Cowboys at home. A good team doesn't lose at home to the Redskins. A good team doesn't lose to the Cardinals and Browns. Either there are no good teams in the entire fucking NFL, or Rick Morrissey is the biggest fucking moron to ever pick up a god damn pen.

The six teams the Bears have beaten have a combined record of 15-39. The three teams they've lost to have a combined record of 15-11.

That says a lot more to me than their 6-3 record.

Again. Welcome to the god damn NFL. You can only play the teams you're scheduled to play. If they suck, you should beat them. If you do, that's how you...make the playoffs and stuff. Only 12 teams in the NFL will make the playoffs. Let's assume I'm looking at a playoff team. That means they can only face 11 possible playoff teams in the entire season. Now, lets assume that the NFC North will only have one playoff team. That makes 10 possible playoff opponents the Bears could face. Except three of those will be in AFC divisions the Bears don't play. So that's 7 possible playoff opponents. Then again, chances are at least one or two of them will be in the NFC divisions that the Bears aren't scheduled to play this year, so that makes 5 possible games out of 16 against potential playoff teams. That means that EVERY TEAM THAT MAKES THE PLAYOFFS GOT THE MAJORITY OF ITS WINS FROM BEATING MEDIOCRE OR BAD TEAMS. So judging them solely based on their schedule would be...stupid.

Ask yourself what the ultimate goal is. If it's going to the Super Bowl, this team isn't a contender. If it's taking advantage of a league filled with average teams, then enjoy yourself. There's not a whole lot of excellence among the Bears, but there is opportunism.

Ahh. Back to the Platonic Ideal Super Bowl Team. Only TEAMS THAT LOOK ELITE TO RICK MORRISEY'S UNQUANTIFIABLE STANDARDS CAN MAKE THE SUPERBOWL. Which is why, I'm sure, Rick had the 2008 Cardinals and the 2007 Giants going to the dance. Or maybe it doesn't matter, because anyone that makes it to the playoffs has a shot at winning or making the god damn Superbowl. But sorry that I'll hope for a playoff spot and then god knows what rather than act like a pissy little ingrate because the Bears don't look like a fucking behemoth in November. I WANT GREATNESS. If I set the bar so high it can never be satisfied, then I'll always be right when I say they aren't great!

As usual, I'm ranting and most of Rick's shit is too dumb to even fisk so I'll skip down:

The Bears have no running game and a below-average passing game. On defense, they're excellent against the run but average against the pass. What says ''playoffs'' about that? Answer: a league that grows garden-variety teams.

Right. Its not like the Colts made the Superbowl last year with the 32nd ranked rushing offense in the NFL. Oh wait. That happened. But they're below average in the passing game, which is why Jay Cutler is averaging 3 fewer passing yards per game than Tom Brady. And why he's in the top half of the league in touchdown passes, yardage, and yards per attempt despite missing a game and a half with a concussion. On defense they have the 2nd best scoring defense in the NFL. They're 2nd against the run. They're 4th in total yardage allowed. They're 17th in passing yards, yes, but have allowed the fewest passing TDs in the NFL. They also have the most interceptions of any defense in the NFL. How the fuck is first in the NFL in passing TDS allowed and first in interceptions "average", Rick? Seriously. How fucking stupid are you?

If you've been reading me the last few years, then you know I've been on a crusade to get the McCaskeys to clean house at Halas Hall.

As the Bears collect victories, I fear that the number of people who agree with me is dwindling. There's no doubt we're being quieted as they continue to win. The team is in first place, so what else is there left to say?

You know why the number of people who agree with you is dwindling? BECAUSE IF THEY WIN GAMES THAT IS THE WHOLE GOD DAMN POINT OF THE SPORT. Why in God's name do Bears fans and media members want Smith and Co. fired if they win? Why? I hate when people say "I hope they lose out so so and so will get fired." Guess what. If they lose out, that'll happen anyway. They don't need your fucking help. If they win out? Well shit, maybe the guys in place are good enough. The most important thing is that NOTHING YOU DO AFFECTS THIS TEAM and that the dumbest possible fucking thing you can do is root against a team winning so that they can fire somebody and get someone in there whom you, presumably, want to win. Maybe cut out the middle man and just win?

I could end up being wrong. I could end up as a chapter titled ''Told You So'' in Lovie Smith's autobiography, if he ever writes one. I could be forced to watch the Bears' victory parade on Michigan Avenue.

But I don't think I will.

"And even if I am, I'll never admit it. I'll just rant that they didn't win the Superbowl by enough points, or that they faced an overrated team. Or I'll say any god damn thing other than "I was wrong.""

Eat shit, Rick Morrissey.

Around the NFL, Week 10

Falcons 26, Ravens 21
I'm beginning to come around to the possibility that the Falcons are better than I give them credit for being. I've always liked Matt Ryan. I still think the Saints are the best in that division, though. It'll be interesting to see their rematch in the Georgia Dome where Ryan is damn near unbeatable.

Colts 23, Bengals 17
What can you say about the Bengals? Every one of their losses is for the same reason.

NY Jets 26, Browns 20
The Jets have been wildly inconsistent the last few weeks. Hopefully they keep that up until they roll into Soldier Field.

Dolphins 29, Titans 17
Right now the Dolphins are looking at starting a third string QB and a back up left tackle on a short week against the Bears, at home, where they are just 1-3 this year. Some are probably salivating, but I won't. The last time I thought things looked this favorable for the Bears was the Seahawks game. I'm not a DOOOM type, but I'd like to see the Bears give me a few more weeks of not fumbling away games they should win before I feel bold enough to predict a bloodbath. Also, the Titans are melting down.

Jaguars 31, Texans 24
Oh Houston. You'll never change, no matter how many times you promise me you will.

Bills 14, Lions 12
I know this has been discussed over and over again but seriously, how the fuck does Shaun Hill not even TRY to get to it into the end zone on a 2 pt conversion attempt?? Worse Lions QB fuck up: Dan Orlovsky trying to pass a field sobriety test with the back line of the end zone against the Vikings in 2008 or Hill apparently thinking the last play of the game is a 2nd and Goal in the first quarter? Oh, congratulations Buffalo.

Buccaneers 31, Panthers 16
Damn the Bucs and their easy schedule. If New Orleans or someone worthier screws up and hands them a wildcard spot I'll be pissed. Unless they are then the Bears opponent in the playoffs.

Broncos 49, Chiefs 29
My hatred of Josh McDaniels is well-known and oft-stated, but I have to side with ol' Fuckface on the running up the score issue. Todd Haley can stop being a bitch. This isn't Alabama vs. Duke. You aren't supposed to be owned like that. You don't like it? Stop it.

49ers 23, Rams 20
Troy Smith throws for 356 yards to lead the 49ers over the Rams and create a log jam at the top of the NFC West, with all four teams within two games of the division lead. Everything about that division makes me hate football. That applies to its AFC counterpart as well.

Cowboys 33, Giants 20
Oh come on. You aren't even trying to make sense this year, Angry Old Testament Football God.

Seahawks 36, Cardinals 18
Arizona sure could have used a young Jake Plummer in this game. Seattle may be establishing itself as the class of that division. They've been outscored by 33 points this season. In fact, every single team in the NFC West has allowed more points than they've scored. Parity, folks. It hates you.

Patriots 39, Steelers 26
GRR! Tom Brady is angry and intense and stuff! Watch his pretty hair bounce with FIRE. Also, the Steelers suck against the spread offense. Granted, it helps that Drew Brees and Tom Brady run the offenses of the Saints and Patriots, but they're definitely vulnerable if teams can spread them out and dilute the pass rush of the 3-4.

Eagles 59, Redskins 28
The Redskins have been playing with fire all season. How do you even get to 4 wins despite being outgained in absolutely every single game this season? We know how Jay Cutler gave them a win, and the Packers also panked it all over the place when they turned it over twice and missed the GW field goal. They lucked out when Vick got hurt the first time around against the Eagles. In fact, they've consistenly managed to get every team's Worst effort. During their last two games their luck has run out, and last night Michael Vick vented the frustration of every team that had to watch the Skins over the first few weeks and wonder why nobody could manage to pull the trigger.

Not to take anything away from Vick, though. As much as I loathe to admit it he's undeniably a much better QB than he was in Atlanta. Its frightening to watch. It'll be interesting to see if Peppers and Urlacher and Briggs can slow him down in a few weeks. Historically Vick has been Brian Urlacher's bitch and has never beaten the Bears. We'll see what that means soon enough.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke tomorrow.

College Football Roundup, Week 11

Minnesota 38, Illinois 34.
God Dammit. I will never, ever allow myself the stupidity of believing that Ron Zook will win a game he should win ever again.

Northwestern 21, Iowa 17
This truly softened the blow of the Illini loss, though. I'm not sure how it is that NW's spread offense gives Ferentz's defenses so much trouble when Iowa handles that scheme so well when its run by other teams, but there's no denying that Kirk Ferentz is Pat Fitzgerald's bitch.

Wisconsin 83, Indiana 20
Well, that wasn't very nice. Wisconsin is undeniably the best team in the Big Ten. Its a shame they suffered that early season loss to MSU, because they would be, I think, the Big Ten's first legitimate national title contender in a while.

Notre Dame 28, Utah 3
Well, that sucks for TCU.

Auburn 49, Georgia 31
Jim Rome had one of the greatest sports-radio statements of all time today: "I just don't see any way that Auburn can win the national title with that defense. Then again, if Cameron Newton keeps putting up 4 TDs a game, they can." Thanks for playing, Jim.

Texas A&M 42, Baylor 30
Okay, so I bought in too soon on Baylor. More concerning is the fact that Mike Sherman may actually be a decent college football coach. I hate when Mike Sherman is gainfully employed.

South Carolina 36, Florida 14
South Carolina has now made the SEC Title Game, where Steve Spurrier will bench Stephen Garcia in the 2nd quarter because he doesn't like his sideburns, or something.

Oregon 15, California 13
Congratulations, Cal Bears! I don't care if you lost, slowing down the Oregon leviathan is a worthy accomplishment in and of itself.

Oklahoma State 33, Texas 16
This just in: Illinois has a better record than Texas. Giggity.

Bears 27, Vikings 13- The Dagger

With apologies to my friends at Hockeenight (and if you're a Hawks fan and you aren't reading them, you're really missing out) and the Blackhawks organization, I'm going to co-opt their anthem for a day:



Didn't this game just make you fucking giddy? I'm going to thank TEC's Cardinals for laying an egg last week, because it was a glorious feeling to watch the Bears officially put the dagger in the 2010 Minnesota Vikings season. Honestly, this game wasn't even as close as the score indicated. Take away one blown coverage on Percy Harvin and one mind-numbingly stupid endzone pick by Jay Cutler and this was a hair away from a 30-6 slaughter. How'd we get there? Let's break it down:

THE GOOD:

Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher: 17 carries for 51 yards. That was the total for Adrian Peterson today. I'm not exactly sure how many of those came on the first two drives for the Vikings, but I'll bet it was the majority. Starting in the 2nd quarter Briggs and Urlacher made the necessary reads on the stretch plays that the Vikings were running and from then on out the game was more or less decided. Left to deal with the Bears defense alone, Favre wasn't going to get it done. I was listening to the Vikings radio call for the second half while I was on the road, and Paul Allen said it best: When Briggs and Urlacher are healthy, the Bears win a lot of games.

The offensive line: For the first time this year I'm going to put them into the "good" column. They only allowed Cutler to be sacked one time, and while Jay had to pull it down and run and buy himself time on multiple occasions, that's okay. Earlier this year they weren't even clearing guys out enough to give Jay room to scramble. They also allowed Forte and Taylor to rack up 102 yards rushing against a Vikings defense that, while much worse than last year, has played respectably against the run. Good job, boys.

DJ Moore: I love that guy.

Devin Hester: God I hope he's okay, because he was an absolute terror in the return game today, and he drew a lot of attention on defense that freed up Johnny Knox (5 catches, 90 yards) and Earl Bennett.

The Tight Ends: Olsen and Davis both had TD catches that were huge. Good to see that Martz knows how to make it count whenever he does use them.

Jay Cutler: Outside of one pass, he played the best game he's played all year. He made plays with his feet, avoided sacks, threw well on the run and in the pocket, had 3 TD passes and just did everything that his talent should allow him to do on a weekly basis.

Mike Martz: For two weeks, he's called brilliant games. Here's a stat for you: despite the fact that they are still dead last in the NFL in 3rd down conversion %, over the last two weeks the Bears are 18/33. That'll do.

Brett Favre: God damn, Brett. Sometimes I forget how fun it is to watch you flail away miserably and commit four turnovers. Maybe I will miss your worthless old ass whenever you head home to your tractor and your loveless marriage in Mississippi.

Paul Allen: I don't care if he calls Vikings games. The man that brought me this and this can do no wrong. Listening to the thinly-veiled contempt that this man has for Brett Favre made my afternoon.

The Bad:

Jay Cutler's Red Zone Interception: I'm not going to throw Jay himself in the bad category when he played a great game with all things considered, so I'll just address the interception itself: Bad interception! You naughty little across-the-body-oh-God-why-we-could-have-been-up-ten-points-this-is-just-like-the-Skins-game turnover! Don't ever come back.

That's really about it. This was easily the most complete and impressive game the Bears have played all year. I won't pretend that the Vikings don't suck, but this would have been an easy game for the Bears to piss away and one they sure as hell would have over the last three years. Thursday night in Miami they get a Dolphins team that just won their first home game all year and may be playing their 3rd String quarterback. That's a must win. We'll be SKOSCasting the game that night, so see y'all then. Go Bears.










And Fuck Brett Favre.

Prognostication Bukakke: NFL Week 10

Baltimore @ Atlanta
Code Red: Hmm. Overrated Ravens team vs. Overrated Falcons team. I'll take the overrateds at home. Falcons win.

Iggins!: Ravens are overrated. Falcons much less so. Falcons win.

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis
Iggins!: One of the Bengals receivers wants more catches?! NO! I am shocked. Colts win.

Code Red: I actually commend Ocho for not pointing out that Carson Palmer is the reason why he has gone into decline. Colts win.

Carolina @ Tampa Bay
Code Red: Tampa.

Iggins!: I see we have reached a consensus on the team we don’t need to waste words on this year. Bucs win.

Code Red: Truly, Carolina doth blow.

Detroit @ Buffalo
Iggins!: Stafford went down and took my damned upset pick with him. I feel bad for the Lions, but without Stafford they are resigned to losing close games. Bills win.

Code Red: Indeed. Pity Matt Stafford. Buffalo finally breaks through. That said, the Lions are way better than their record and they'll end up getting a top ten pick out of this season and will terrorize the league if they can get a healthy Stafford next year.

Houston @ Jacksonville
Code Red: Jacksonville is really good at beating bad teams and then getting pasted by good ones. I'm not sure anymore where the Texans sit, but I'll give them one last shot this week. Texans win.

Iggins!: So the Texans have a great offense. Seriously, it’s spectacular. But that defense… jesus. And the play calling makes the least of what they’ve got. I’ll take the Texans because I love em but my faith meter is running low. Texans win.

Tennessee @ Miami
Iggins!: Like putting Pennington will improve things? This one won’t be close. Titans win.

Code Red: Wait, what? The Dolphins went back to Pennington? Jesus. At this point my grandmother can throw a better deep ball. Titans win.

Minnesota @ Chicago
Code Red: Please, Jesus, let the Bears destroy Favre and put the Vikings out of their misery. If the Bears' run defense can play as well as it has most of this year and contain Peterson, I think we'll see plenty of turnovers by Favre, who has traditionally struggled against Lovie's defenses. Bears win.

Iggins!: Because I’m not a dick I won’t pick against the Bears, but I would remind you that AP DESTROYS the Bears more than any other team he plays. That said, the Bears will enjoy the takeaways and beating Brad Childress into getting fired. Bears win.

NY Jets @ Cleveland
Iggins!: So the Jets have looked like junk and the Browns have looked great. I want to pick the Browns but I don’t think Mangini’s BS works on Rex. Jets win.

Code Red: At some point the Jets have to snap out of their funk. Might as well be against Cleveland. Jets win.

Kansas City @ Denver
Code Red: Josh McDaniels is where he is for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is that he was racist and refused to believe that Peyton Hillis could be good as a white runningback. This is America, Josh. We have no room for your bigotry. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Peyton Hillis is breaking boundaries. Maybe one day white RBs can be thought of as equals, but until that day we will fight against the racism. Cleveland (recently), KC, and Oakland are all winning with A+ offensive lines, great RBs, and good defense. What is this, the fucking 60s? Chiefs win

Code Red: Oakland has looked good, yes, but on no planet can that offensive line be described as "Great".

Seattle @ Arizona
Iggins!: Wow. Talk about meaningless. Arizona?

Code Red: Sadly not meaningless, as the NFC West is up for grabs. My gut says Arizona as well. They'll probably give me the ol' Jake Plummer and screw me, though.

Dallas @ NY Giants
Code Red: Oh man. Tell me they aren't going to televise this. Giants win.

Iggins!: Ever seen a man get penetrated by like 6 horses at once? No? Well the closest thing you’ll ever see to it is probably this game. Giants win.

St. Louis @ San Francisco
Iggins!: St. Louis will make the playoffs at 7-9 or 8-8 while the Bears miss the playoffs at 9-7 or 10-6. Goddamn this world. Rams win.

Code Red: Sadly St. Louis is indeed the favorite at this point. Rams win.

New England @ Pittsburgh
Code Red: Oh hell. Logic tells me to go with the Steelers, but I have a feeling that the Patriots can't be as bad as they looked against the Browns. This is exactly the kind of game Belichick would win just to piss me off. Patriots win.

Iggins!: The Patriots struggle against teams with hard running games. The Steelers will hopefully remember how awesome Rashard is this week and run him 30 times. Steelers win.

Philadelphia @ Washington
Iggins!: My vote for best team in the league goes to Philly this week. Even if Vick gets hurt my vote stays the same. Eagles win.

Code Red: I wanted to give you more than one game to try to make up this week, but jesus these matchups are mostly pathetic. Eagles win.

Prognostication Bukakke: NCAA Week 11

Standings:
Code Red: 95-52 (55-32 NFL, 40-20 NCAA)
Iggins!: 83-64 (50-37 NFL, 33-27 NCAA)

Yes folks, despite a terrible .500 week in college for me, I added a game over that putz to make it a 12 game lead. I am some kind of golden god. Onto this week's further rapage:

Northwestern @ Iowa
Code Red: Screw it. I'll predict yet another mind-boggling NW win over Iowa. Why not?

Iggins!: I am 95% sure Iowa will lose, but I will pick them because I am not Benedict Arnold. Iowa wins…?

Miami @ Georgia Tech
Iggins!: God the ACC is awful. Miami is down a QB I believe, so I pick the triple option that I hate. Georgia Tech wins.

Code Red: I'll take Miami for funsies. The ACC is crazy.

Virginia Tech @ North Carolina
Code Red: Ha. Two straight ACC games that are completely unpredictable thanks to that entire league being one festering pool of mediocrity. I'll take the Hokies.

Iggins!: North Carolina beat FSU last week because of the ACC Rubber Band Rule, which states that any ranked ACC team will lose to an unranked ACC team. There is always an exception team to the rule, and VaTech is normally that exception. VaTech wins.

Code Red: I actually refer to that as the Gailey-Groh Law of Greater ACC Mediocrity, which stipulates that 80% of the ACC must go 5-7 or 7-5 every year.

Texas Tech @ Oklahoma
Iggins!: Oklahoma isn’t mediocre, they have massive bouts of awesome and massive bouts of total crap in the same game. Maybe their bipolar? Hurray for crazies, Oklahoma wins.

Code Red: I will never pick Texas Tech in an important game. Fuck them for firing Mike Leach. Oklahoma wins.

Georgia @ Auburn
Code Red: Georgia is slowly getting better, but they don't have the defense to stop Cam Newton. Auburn wins.

Iggins!: Simple math tells you that if Cam Newton wins the National Title, and Auburn paid 200 Gs for him, Auburn makes a massive profit. The moral of this story is simple: pay the fucking kids who are making your colleges so much money (or lower my goddamned tuition). Auburn wins.

Texas A&M @ Baylor
Iggins!: It is important not to mistake A&M’s win over Oklahoma as proof that they are good, and equally important that you don’t write Baylor off for getting shellacked by A MAN who is FORTY. Baylor wins.

Code Red: Agreed. Baylor wins.

South Carolina @ Florida
Code Red: Tough call. Florida's looked better since (rumors say) Steve Addazio has started to get some help in the play-calling department, and South Carolina just got thumped by Arkansas. I expect Stephen Garcia to do something crazy and win this game. SC wins.

Iggins!: Florida wins so Gene Chizik can punch Urbz in the face after he beats Florida by 30 in the SEC title game for leaking Cam Newton’s records. In a related story, the SEC churns out enjoyable stories and people at a 10:1 ratio when compared to all other conferences combined.

Mississippi State @ Alabama
Iggins!: This really would be the topper for Saban. This game has a shot at playing out like the 66th (or 69th now?) team in the NCAA tourney field playing in their first NIT game. They didn’t want to be in that position, and most of the team probably couldn’t give less of a shit at this point. I’ll still pick Bama to win but watch this one closely.

Code Red: I'll stick with Bama as well, but MSU is on the rise.

Oklahoma State @ Texas
Code Red: It would be very OK State-like to lose this game. However, Texas is just too awful for me to take a chance. OK State wins.

Iggins!: Schadenfreude in full effect here. OK State wins.

USC @ Arizona
Iggins!: You are in love with USC games. AZ wins.

Code Red: I like reminding people that A) They suck and B)Even if they didn't, they wouldn't get to go to a bowl game. HA! That said, I actually think USC will win this game. Why? I don't know. I'm just going to try and spot you yet another game that you won't end up getting because you suck at life.

Around the NFL Week 9

Chargers 29, Texans 23
Finally the Chargers win a game they should have won. Don't give up 2 TDs on special teams every week and good things will happen. That's in the Bible somewhere.

Vikings 27, Cardinals 24
God dammit. Even a young Jake Plummer wouldn't have blown a 2 TD lead in the 4th quarter to a shitty Vikings team. Fine. Leave it to the Bears to finish the Vikings season.

Saints 34, Panthers 3
The Saints are good. The Panthers are not.

Browns 34, Patriots 14
Oh, sure. 'Cuz that makes sense.

Falcons 27, Buccaneers 21
I still think the Saints are the best team in that division.

Ravens 26, Dolphins 10
The Dolphins. They're mediocre.

Jets 23, Lions 20
The rumor is that Matthew Stafford is done for the season. Honestly, I feel terrible for that kid. He's an amazingly talented player who has a shoulder that just keeps betraying him. Hopefully he'll heal properly and will be ready to go next year and can put all of this behind him.

Giants 41, Seahawks 7
Well, that loss to the Seahawks is looking more embarrassing every week.

Eagles 26, Colts 24
So the Eagles can stop Peyton Manning for four quarters but not Kerry Collins for one? That makes sense.

Raiders 23, Chiefs 20
No, I will not take pity on Raiders fans and be happy that they get to watch a somewhat competitive team for the first time in years. They aren't Lions fans who have borne their pain in silence for half a century. No fanbase in professional football is more delusional than Oakland. No one. Patriots fans, Steelers fans, Packers fans, and Cowboys fans are all annoying as shit, but each of them at least waits until their team is any good before becoming mouth-breathing front-running yokels. Raiders fans do not. They plague every god damn comments section of every article on football on the internet. I actually saw one bastard complaining in the recap of the Chargers game that it was a CONSPIRACY AGAINST RAIDER NATION that the media was still talking about the Chargers when it was clear the Raiders were going to win the division. I hate them all.

Steelers 27, Bengals 21
The Bengals aren't good.

College Football Round Up, Week 10

Michigan 67, Illinois 65
I can't say I'm not disappointed with how Illinois' defense played, but this was a fun game to watch. I'd be more upset if I wasn't just pleasantly surprised with the Illini having five wins already anyway. I still think they can win out and finish the season with 8 wins and a mid-tier bowl slot.

Clemson 14, NC State 13
Put the ACC out of its f&%king misery now.

Iowa 18, Indiana 13
Ahh. That looked like the Iowa team from last year. Underwhelming and ridiculously lucky. If they win the Big Ten I'll have to strangle Iggins! in his sleep.

Oklahoma State 55, Baylor 28
Well shit. I guess you can't expect Baylor to make That big of a leap in one year.

TCU 47, Utah 7
I thought Baylor would lose a close one to TCU. TCU curbstomped them. I thought Utah would play them tight at home. They got their asses handed to them. I'm sorry, TCU. Both that I doubted you and that you still won't get a shot at the title.

Nebraska 31, Iowa State 30
Tough break for Iowa State. Came within one failed two point conversion of beating both Texas and Nebraska in the same year. Would have been the greatest season in Cyclone history, probably.

Oregon 53, Washington 16
Oregon is a murdertrain and you will be ill-advised to get in the way. I don't care how easy their schedule is. SOMEONE should have gotten within 20 points of them by now.

LSU 24, Alabama 21
I may have to concede the LSU is actually on the good side of the lucky/good equation.

Texas A&M 33, Oklahoma 19
Oh what the bloody hell?

Arkansas 41, South Carolina 20
I'm sorry, Ryan Mallett. I will never betray you again. Even though it totally paid off when I picked Auburn.

Texas Tech 24, Mizzou 17
Oh come on, Big 12. You aren't even trying anymore.

Stanford 42, Arizona 17
Stanford has won eight games by an average score of 44-17. They lost to Oregon 52-31. Oregon is really, really good.

That's all for now. NFL Roundup tomorrow, Prognostication Bukakke to come later in the week.

Oh F*&k You, David Haugh

This steaming heap of drivel was brought to my attention yesterday. Some may accuse me of waiting until Cutler had a good game before unleashing my wrath, but I honestly didn't see it last week. I'd have attacked it if I'd seen it then, too, because I don't judge a quarterback on one bad game. David Haugh does, though, and watch him create, dispute, and yet somehow also agree with strawmen that exist nowhere but his own addled mind! He's in italics:

Bears quarterback needs sense of urgency

I think he has one. You should see the look in his eyes as he runs for his life every other snap.

Cutler needs to believe there will be consequences if potential doesn't start getting results.

This is awesome. He's basically saying Cutler doesn't try hard because he doesn't think he's going to get benched anyway. You've hit the nail on the head, Dave. Anyone watching the Bears can see that Effort is what's wrong with Cutler. Not the 300 pound linemen draped over him on every other dropback.

With good humor Wednesday at Halas Hall, Jay Cutler responded to whether Mike Shanahan's 2-minute offense was more strenuous than most. Cutler played three seasons for Shanahan with the Broncos so naturally he could compare.

Thanks for spelling that one out.

"I don't know,'' Cutler said with an actual smile. "You have to ask Donovan (McNabb) if they've changed it from whenever I had it. When I had it, I didn't think it was the most physically exerting thing.''

Ha. McNabb is fat.

For Cutler, a stab at humor represents a 2010 breakthrough. Light-heartedness beats light-headedness any day.

Look. Cutler is a surly motherfucker. No one will deny this. I've seen him on multiple occasions, however, celebrate with teammates, crack jokes, and smile in post game pressers when things have gone well. He looks like shit when things aren't going well and the team loses. I don't fucking blame him. If someone interviewed me ten seconds after a Bears loss I'd probably start ripping out every trachea within reach. I don't care if it's "unprofessional". Jay gets mad when he plays bad and the team loses. My God! What a cancer. This is the same city that ripped Erik Kramer to pieces for laughing on the sidelines after he'd been benched, by the way, and that accused Rex Grossman of apathy because he shook off his poor play so quickly. So no matter which route Cutler takes, he's fucked.

The subject came up because Shanahan made the silly claim he inserted Rex Grossman for McNabb, the Redskins quarterback, with 1 minute, 50 seconds left in Sunday's game in part because of McNabb's conditioning.

Shanahan made the call because McNabb's sucked eggs this year. Rex was surely destined to suck worse, so that was a bad move, but understandable to an extent because, again, McNabb is awful this year with a 57% completion rate, more INTs than TDs and a 76 rating. Now watch as Haugh and his imaginary strawmen lobby for replacing Cutler with McNabb.

But I suppose the better question to Cutler, the one unspoken but apparently obvious to Bears fans based on my inbox, is whether he wants to execute Shanahan's 2-minute drill again as early as next season.

Imagine that. David Haugh got some e-mails from irate meathead fans arguing nonsensically that the starting QB should be traded after a 4 interception game. Surely that's the first time That's happened to him. He should write a column about it, because that's clearly indicative of the way rational human beings are looking at this.

Now is not the appropriate time for Cutler to address any possible reunion with Shanahan in Washington,

Never would be an appropriate time to speculate on that. Because it's a retarded idea and will never occur.

but the idea that so much conversation in Chicago even would broach such trade folly 22 games into Cutler's Bears tenure indicates how quickly this supposed franchise quarterback has worn out his welcome to many.

Oh please. No one is calling for the Bears to trade Jay Cutler now that wasn't calling for them to trade him after the season opener last year. They're called idiots. Reactionary meatheads who can't respond to a bad game with anything but frothing anger. You should know this by now.

I get the hypothetical. I know hometown darling McNabb, the anti-Cutler in terms of charisma, becomes a free agent in 2011 and the Bears desperately need draft picks, which Cutler could bring in return.

If there is anyone who is suggesting that Donovan McNabb, who is 7 years older than Cutler, has a lower passer rating, more interceptions, lower completion %, lower YPA, and lower, well, everything than Cutler, should be the starting QB for the Bears next year at age 35, well, they can kiss my ass. I can't even be professional about that. That's just ludicrously stupid. Also, McNabb has started all 16 games just 4 times in 10 years due to injuries. You think he would survive a month behind the Bears offensive line? Christ. And the Bears desperately need draft picks so that they can draft offensive linemen to protect their franchise quarterback. It doesn't really work if you trade the franchise quarterback to get the linemen to protect the franchise quarterback.

And if the Bears undergo a regime change that likely will occur if they miss the playoffs again, the next GM easily could view Cutler as a toxic influence who killed two coaching tenures.

That guy would be a fucking moron, then. That wouldn't surprise me, because Chicago's front office has always been run by a fucking moron, but still. The Bears were a shitty team before Cutler got here. They've gotten shittier since he's arrived because the offensive line has dissolved and last year the defense was absolutely terrible. Also, Cutler didn't kill Shanahan's coaching tenure in Denver. Perhaps the fact that the team had the 32 RANKED DEFENSE IN THE ENTIRE NFL and blew a 3 game lead by allowing 37 ppg in their last 3 games had something to do with it, since Shanahan was fired for stubbornly refusing to let Bob Slowik, his defensive coordinator, go.

But slow down. Consider any trade would put the Bears back in the spot of looking for a young quarterback to develop skills Cutler already possesses.

Yes, slow down, imaginary people I just made up!

Remember any typical football guy inheriting the Bears roster will look at Cutler's ability to do things only a handful of quarterbacks can do and believe he can be fixed. On film, Cutler's skills can be seductive and his flaws easier to accept.

You know what I see on film? A guy who plays well when he's got time to pass. It's that simple, moron.

That's what made trading for Cutler so exciting. Outsiders often see what they want to see. I did.

I want to see you write something that's not overly simplistic and mindblowingly dumb. I never get to see what I want to see.

I understand now what was less obvious then. Cutler's unrelenting immaturity too often undermines his immense talent.

What has Cutler ever done that actually shows immaturity? Slumping his shoulders? Looking angry on the sidelines? I could understand why you're saying that (I'd still think it was stupid and pointless and had nothing to do with his on field play) if you didn't just present DONOVAN MCNABB, of all people, as the supposed counterpoint:

McNabb, the non Surly Anti-Cutler, seen rallying his teammates on the sideline after his benching.

And when he loses focus, he can lose teammates and games

I'd like to see one quote from one teammate, past or current, who has ever said that he disliked Jay Cutler.

That said, I still wouldn't trade a player the organization guaranteed $20 million who is still young enough to stop all those dreaded comparisons to Jeff George.

"Having fabricated this ridiculously stupid trade proposal out of thin air, I still wouldn't make said idiotic trade."

Okay..this article is really long and I've been ranting. Let's just skip to some good one-liners:

But if there's anybody in the organization interested in salvaging Cutler's final nine games this season, now would be a good time to deliver an urgent message that he must change.

He didn't throw 4 picks this week. Somebody musta told him not to do that. LEADERSHIP!

If Cutler and his Cavallari attitude haven't noticed, this isn't going well.

Awesome. Cutler has a girlfriend, therefore he's distracted. Because this is his sophomore year of fucking high school.

Cutler has been sacked as many times in six games (27) as he was the entire 2007 season.

His fault. He needs to LEAD those linemen.

A terrible offensive line and limited wide receivers give him a ready excuse.

Because they're 90% responsible for his inability to magically win games while planted 6 inches into the turf?

But his mechanics have deteriorated. He has developed sloppy habits and established bad trends. In 22 games with the Bears, Cutler has thrown four or more interceptions three times. He never did that in 37 starts with the Broncos.

Exactly, Cutler needs to stand tall in the pocket, set his feet, and throw. If he ever sees a f&%king pocket again. Hey, look, I can play with funny stats too! In 22 games with the Bears, Cutler has been sacked 4 or more times in a game 7 times! In 37 games with the Broncos, that happened just 3 times. I'm sure that's his fault though.

He plays like someone who either hasn't been coached or is no longer willing to be. So coach him. Challenge him. Force greatness that is there.

Jay. I CHALLENGE YOU TO BE GREAT! Great QBs don't get fazed by things like concussions or an offensive line that can't block Albert Haynesworth with three interior linemen! BE GREAT!

Can you make a quarterback become a leader?

Me? I can't. I'm not really in a position to.

I have doubts Martz can. Martz has made a career out of designing ways to make quarterbacks pile up big numbers. What he has done mostly with Cutler is enlarge his ego. End the bro-mance. A struggling, self-destructive quarterback doesn't need to hear how brilliant he is. He needs to be threatened with his job if he throws four picks again.

Exactly! Then they can put Todd Collins back in. He's a leader!

Sigh. I hate this town.

Bears 22, Bills 19. Chan Gailey is Sad.

Seriously, was there anything more confounding than a franchise in the year 2010 hiring Chan Gailey? Oh. That same franchise hiring Dick Jauron. Fair enough.

Today didn't teach us anything we didn't already know. It probably didn't change your perception of the 2010 Bears at all. Those of us that think this team is more than capable of making the playoffs in a year where mediocrity abounds saw a team that played well defensively and ground out a win on offense against a team that has pushed three straight five win teams to the brink. Others will bemoan a 3 point win against a winless team and continue to forecast doom on the horizon. That's fine.

This game played out pretty much as I expected. The offense continues to be a work in progress, but, while I won't praise them for playing Bear football and maintaining a 50-50 pass-run ratio (because it's pointless when you can't run), they were smart to slow things down and simply avoid turnovers. I've bitched about balance the last two games just like everyone else, but, as a proponent of the pass, I meant more of a 60-40 ratio or even 65-35. Just not 80-20. They need to give Forte more than 8 carries simply to keep Cutler alive. They don't need to run him and Taylor 24 times for 62 yards. The best chance this team has to score points is to throw the ball. They just need to work in a few runs to keep the defense honest. Hopefully they can learn to adjust the gameplan based on how opponents play them during games, rather than stubbornly stick to a preconceived plan of attack, which is what I think they've done for at least the last few weeks.

But, they won, and I was happy with the way in which they did it. You can bitch all you want about playing like this against Buffalo, but the thing I've learned this year is that the Bears are just as capable of beating Buffalo 22-19 as they are of beating the New York Jets 22-19. They do nothing but ugly, and like it or not, they've uglied their way to a victory in 5 of 8 contests this year. Next week they get Minnesota at home, and only a fool would tell you the Vikings aren't beatable. The Bears then go to Miami, where the Dolphins are winless and will struggle to run the ball against Chicago's front 7. They rest of the schedule (Eagles, Lions, Patriots, Vikings, Jets, Packers) consists of teams that, if Cleveland's curbstomping of the Patriots is any indication, are certainly not locks in either category. So...we'll see.

Anywho:

THE GOOD:

Jay Cutler: The numbers aren't impressive, but he did everything he had to do to move the chains, avoid the sacks and interceptions, and managed to get this offense past the evasive 21 point threshold. If Cutler can lead this team to 21 points or more the rest of the way, this team will be in the playoffs. I guarantee it.

The Defense: Yeah, I'd have appreciated it if they could have gotten a few more sacks and ended some drives faster than they did, but Fitzpatrick's 299 yards look less impressive when you note that it took 51 attempts to get there (5.9 YPA) and they forced 3 turnovers. That'll do. The stout run defense held Buffalo to just 46 yards rushing and is now allowing just 83 YPG in that category. If they can keep that kind of effort up against Minnesota and Adrian Peterson next week, you'll see the old Dongslinger just having fun out there and piling up interception after interception.

Izzie Idonijie: Technically part of the defense, yes, but he deserves a shoutout for continuing to take advantage of being the guy opposite of Julius Peppers. He only had half a sack to show for it today, but he was a menace in the backfield all game long.

Earl Bennett: He's been excellent as the slot receiver since his return from injury, and today he had 4 big catches for 52 yards and a TD. (Rick Morrissey impression: AromashoWHO?)

Tim Jennings: Nice pick. Saved the game in a big way.

The Bad:
Frank Omiyale: I was tempted, once again, to just throw the entire offensive line on here as usual, but today I want to single out Frank. The only sack allowed all game? Frank's guy. Cutler's fumble? Frank's guy. Two false starts, one of which helped turn the 3rd and 3 at the 4 yard line into the 3rd and 13 which became the missed Robbie Gould FG? Frank. You suck, fatty.

Tim Jennings: Yes, he was on the good, too, and his pick was huge. And yes, the Cover 2 does dictate that Jennings should allow most of the underneath stuff that he did, but Jesus, how do you allow some guy named Stevie to torch you for 145 yards?

The Fox Crew (again): Jesus. "Here's a guy who's underrated as a coach: Chan Gailey (career NFL coaching record: 18-22). In my mind I think of him as a Norv Turner type." Really? You try to think of someone positive to compare him to you and you come up with NORV TURNER?

Well, that's all for now. Go Bears!

Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 9

San Diego @ Houston
Code Red: At some point , things have to turn around for the Chargers. They have the #1 offense, #1 defense, and the #1 point differential in the NFL. The football Gods aren’t that cruel. Chargers win.

Iggins!: Turnovers and penalties is their problem. The big matchup here is Rivers versus what the Texans call a “pass defense”. I just call it shit. Chargers win.

Chicago @ Buffalo
Iggins!: If Cutler doesn’t bounce back here we can assume he has regressed to last year’s form, and I will start cheering for the Texans and Titans in earnest. But for now ROSE COLORED LENSES BEARS WIN.

Code Red: Mother of God, please don't embarrass us in front of the Canadians. Bears win.

New England @ Cleveland
Code Red: I guess if Cleveland can beat the Saints, anything is possible. I don’t see Brady turning it over 4 times, though, like Breesus did. Patriots win.

Iggins!: The Patriots are infuriatingly consistent. Patriots win.

Code Red: I loathe New England. That said, I would cut off several appendages if the Bears could be run exactly like them.

Arizona @ Minnesota
Iggins!: Guh. What a crappy game. If Tarvaris plays the Vikings will win. As it stands I think Favre will screw the Cards out of a win here. Cardinals win.

Code Red: I'm assuming you meant screw the Vikings out of a win, but damned if I'm going to proofread your shit. The Vikings will win, because Jesus, it would take a lot to lose to Arizona at home.

Miami @ Baltimore
Code Red: Miami has played well on the road, but there’s something about them that I’m just not sure about. Ravens win.

Iggins!: Could be that their passing offense looks good in the stat book, but on the field looks like junk? Or that their run-first offense has a mediocre running game? Ravens win.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Iggins!: It’s time to admit that Tampa is a good team. Unfortunately the Falcons are the best in the NFC. Falcons win.

Code Red: I won't admit that at all. Falcons win.

New Orleans @ Carolina
Code Red: Saints win.

Iggins!: I really hope the Saints win. Saints win.

NY Jets @ Detroit
Iggins!: Stafford upset! Lions win!

Code Red: Umm, no. Jets win.

Kansas City @ Oakland
Code Red: No. Oakland cannot be in contention. I forbid it. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Ah, a classic football game. Two good defenses versus two great running games. The black hole wins it for Oakland. Raiders win.

NY Giants @ Seattle
Iggins!: The damn Giants started their turnaround early this year. Giants win.

Code Red: That pass rush is not kind to people of the quarterback persuasion. Giants win.

Indianapolis @ Philadelphia
Code Red: Is Vick back? Actually, I don’t even think that would make a difference. Colts win.

Iggins!: Yeah Vick is starting, but Kolb should. Actually it doesn’t matter who starts, either way the Eagles are a better team. Eagles win.

Dallas @ Green Bay
Iggins!: HAHA Dallas. Green Bay wins.

Code Red: LOLCowboys. The only thing funnier than their 1-6 record would be them pulling off the upset here. Not going to happen, though. Green Bay wins.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Code Red: Sigh. Poor Bengals. Never going to be good in back-to-back years. Ever. Steelers win.

Iggins!: The sad thing is the Bengals won’t realize they need a new QB for another 4 years. Steelers win.

The Return of Prognostication Bukakke! (Again)

We're back after two weeks off (one unintended) because Iggins! finally got his ass in gear. The cold reality that faces him, however, is this:

Standings
Code Red:80-44 (44-29 NFL, 35-15 NCAA)
Iggins!: 69-55 (40-34 NFL, 29-21 NCAA)

Yes, that's still an 11 game lead. Anyway, onto this week:

Illinois @ Michigan
Code Red: Illinois’ defense can contain Denard Robinson, and Ron Zook has somehow made Rich Rod his bitch. Get it now, Illinois. Get your bowl eligibility sooner rather than later. Illinois wins.

Iggins!: Michigan is in the middle of the RichRod downward spiral, and Illinois is eerily consistent considering… well, that they’re Illinois. Illinois wins.

Baylor @ Oklahoma State
Iggins!: For first place in the Big 12 South! You know it’s a good year of football when Baylor is 6-2. I’ll take Baylor. Baylor wins.

Code Red: 7-2, actually. Make that 8-2. Baylor wins.

TCU @ Utah
Code Red: Sadly, this game will not affect the BCS Championship at all. That said, TCU will win.

Iggins!: Because I desperately need to make up games, I will take the home team ftw. Utah wins.

Code Red: Desperation. It's such a sweet musk.

Colorado @ Kansas
Iggins!: Wow. Talk about things I don’t care about. Colorado wins.

Code Red: Indeed. I guess I'll take Kansas. They really blow, but the kid needs a bone thrown anyway.

New Mexico State @ Utah State
Code Red: There weren’t 10 great matchups this week, so instead of choosing some gimmes or games between middling teams, I chose to go with two games between really awful teams I know nothing about. I’ll pick the Utah State Aggies here, as they’ll destroy their evil doppelgangers, the NM State Aggies.

Iggins!: This is incredible. Utah State wins.

Northwestern @ Penn State
Iggins!: Penn State isn’t good, they just looked good against Michigan. Northwestern wins.

Code Red: Who Doesn't look good against Michigan's defense? NW wins.

Alabama @ LSU
Code Red: The slide truly begins, Les. Bama wins.

Iggins!: Satan versus the guy who made a deal with Satan? Satan (Alabama) wins.

Arkansas @ South Carolina
Iggins!: So South Carolina is still in the driver’s seat to win their division. Spurrierfail time. Arkansas wins.

Code Red: Shit. I hate to pick against Mallett again, but Arkansas' defense can't stop anyone or anything and is practically non-existent against the run. Big game for Marcus Lattimore. South Carolina wins.

Arizona @ Stanford
Code Red: Stanford has looked unstoppable against everyone who isn’t Oregon. I just don’t think Arizona’s defense can slow them down enough, especially not on the road. Stanford wins.

Iggins!: Arizona at home would win this game, but they are much more vulnerable on the road. Against Harbaugh they don’t have a chance. Stanford wins.

Arizona State @ USC
Iggins!: It would please me to see Kiffykins lose here, but after last week’s shellacking I think they’ll bounce back. USC wins.

Code Red: It wouldn't surprise me to see Kiffin lose this, but Arizona State is just so boring and mediocre. USC wins.

Around the NFL, Week 8

I have to say, I was grateful for the Bears' bye this week. God knows that last loss was eye-gougingly awful, and at this point I'm praying that they can avoid the embarrassment of being Buffalo's first win. Hopefully I'll look back at this statement Monday morning and laugh at myself for contemplating joining the DOOM train, but I'm certainly feeling less optimistic about the future of this team than I was before they established the Cutler to Hall connection. Anywho, onto the scores:

Chiefs 13, Bills 10
Bills fans deserve so much better. (Please Jesus don't let it start this week)

Rams 20, Panthers 10
The Rams are respectable. They need a deep threat for Sam Bradford, as his YPA is the only thing lagging behind in his development right now. Other than that, I think they're definitely on the rise, and that division is still open this year, and certainly next year.

49ers 24, Broncos 16
More embarassing, a 45 point loss to the Raiders or any loss at all to Troy Smith? Who cares, because both are hilarious. It's okay, Josh. At least you have guys who are determined to lose as a team.

Lions 37, Redskins 25
I actually called this. The Redskins are not good. They've been outscored on the season. They've been outgained in every single game. They have the second worst defense, yardage wise, in the NFL. They have a flukey +8 turnover differential and that's the only reason they aren't 0-7. Yes, I'm just venting because Jay Cutler handed them a win last week. God Dammit.

Packers 9, Jets 0
Oh F*&K you, Rico Mirerez. You picked an awesome f*&king week to rear your ugly head again. Eat. A. Dick.

Dolphins 22, Bengals 14
Yes, it's another Bengals loss directly attributable to Carson Palmer's failures as a QB. Sadness.

Jaguars 35, Cowboys 17
Oh man, the Cowboys are awful.

Chargers 33, Titans 25
Tennessee loses every time they seem to have a golden opportunity to gain ground in that division.

Buccaneers 38, Cardinals 35
I had only one thought in my head watching Derek Anderson throw an interception in the red zone despite being in chip shot range for the tying FG: Young. Jake. Plummer.

Patriots 28, Vikings 18
I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, New England. Of all of the painful and hilarious losses the Vikings have suffered this year, you are the only ones who appear to have sent them into complete and total organizational fucktardery. Cutting Randy Moss without informing the owner? Brilliant, Brad Childress. I feel like a barbarian king laughing while Rome burns to the ground.

Raiders 33, Seahawks 3
There's so much in the world that doesn't make sense. Oakland winning 92-17 over the last two weeks is one of them.

Saints 20, Steelers 10
Well played game by the Saints. I think they're gonna be okay.

Colts 30, Texans 17
The Texans actually look worse than last year. They just can't seem to get Schaub and Foster clicking at the same time. Disappointing.

College Football Round Up, Week 9

NC State 28, Florida State 24 and Virginia 24, Miami 19
I'm only addressing these games because the ACC and Big East now suck enough that you may be staring at the very real prospect of an NC State-Syracuse matchup in the Orange Bowl. The horror.

Illinois 44, Purdue 10
Holy shit. Illinois is...good.

Tulsa 28, Notre Dame 27
Hahahaha. Notre Dame sucks.

Iowa 37, Michigan State 6
I had hoped MSU would win this game. I really thought Iowa would win it. I did not expect a raping entirely uncharacteristic of a Ferentz team, as they typically prefer to win games in the turf-grinding, eye-fucking fashion. This was just an ass-whupping of epic proportions. Always a bridesmaid, Sparty. Always a bridesmaid.

Nebraska 31, Mizzou 17
This doesn't surprise me at all. I wish I could fathom how Texas beat Nebraska.

Baylor 30, Texas 22
Baylor is 7-2. Odd.

Stanford 41, Washington 0
Jake Locker, I'll see you in the 3rd round of the draft.

Oregon 53, USC 32
I've never really cared about Oregon one way or the other, but I can't help but stare slack-jawed as they perfect the spread-option like never before.

Not So Fast, Mikey.

You remember Michael Silver, right? Just a few weeks ago he said the following:

"the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia"

And then Silver predicted that an invigorated Vikings team would then turn their season around. Of course they didn't, because they suck. Now in this week's article,entitled "Favre, Vikes Firmly Pressed Against the Ropes" Silver totally ignores his previous drooling schlobfest over Favre (one that occurred less than a day after Favre cost the Vikings a win over the Jets with a pick six) and tries to toot his own horn as THE MAN WHO SAW THIS COMING:

"If you’re starting to get the feeling that this is a lost season for a franchise clearly governed by a championship-or-bust mentality in 2010 – and yes, some of us saw this coming – that’s a distinct possibility. "

That link goes to an article this summer where Silver, yes, correctly predicted most of the problems the Vikings have had this year. I said the same things before this season. The difference between Mike Silver and myself is that I didn't completely reverse course and throw on the kneepads for Brett Favre the second he made two good passes against the Jets. If Silver had just stuck with his preseason statements he'd be looking pretty damn smart right now, but you do NOT earn an "I Told You So" just two weeks after penning the most pathetic piece of Favre worship I've seen this season ("Sure, he cost them the game, but he did it WITH MAGIC").

Also, read the following:

"On a day when Favre confounded skeptics in his own organization by starting a record 292nd consecutive game despite being hobbled by a pair of small but debilitating fractures in his left foot – and was surprisingly mobile and effective against a well-equipped opponent – the legendary passer was unable to finish, thanks to Pryor’s perfectly legal hit."

Favre didn't confound any skeptics. I'm a Favre skeptic. I've made it a fucking cottage industry since he started coasting on his own legend and failing miserably and hilariously in the playoffs every year since 1997. You know what I expected him to do last week? Play. The man is never as fucking injured as he claims. He's just not. He's the only player in the NFL who goes out onto the field every week protected by shoulder pads, an offensive line, the media, and the built-in escape pod that is his myriad of exaggerated or non-existent injuries. Ol' Brett throw another goddang interception? GRAB THE ELBOW, BRETT. LET THEM SEE YOUR PAIN. Fumble the ball after a sack? HOBBLE OFF LIKE THAT ANKLE HAS GONE GANGRENOUS. Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber ranted beautifully against this last week, so I won't go into further detail, but the only thing "confounding" about Favre playing last week is the fact that, once again, the media fell for his stupid fucking act. Favre isn't the magical healer he claims to be. He's not Wolverine. Some injuries are incapable of healing as fast as he claims, regardless of what anyone said. The reason Favre moved "surprisingly well" is because his ankle injury wasn't debilitating. Period.

Need something else to piss you off about the Favre injury charade? Check out this quote from last week:

“I’ve always had a knack for healing, I think, quicker than maybe most people,” said Favre, who has started 291 consecutive regular-season games. “And mentally … I know that I’ve been able to play with different types of injuries that most people probably wouldn’t have attempted.”

Bravo, sir. Bravo. This is some excellent solipsistic shit here, people. This man is excellent at self-fulfilling prophecies. Exaggerate your injuries, stress over and over again how much they hurt and how unlikely you are to play, then play. Regardless of how well you play or not you will be praised simply for playing, even though the only reason there was ever a doubt as to whether or not you would even play was because you yourself planted it. The best part? You can then take comfort in and even brag about your ability to play through more made up injuries than any other player in history. Bravo.

God I hate you, Brett Favre. You too, Silver.

Apologies

No, there was no Prognostication Bukakke this week. I'm not one to throw people under the bus, but let's just say that of the two of us that do it, I was not the one who failed to get his picks in on time.

We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming on Monday.

Around the NFL, Week 7

Chiefs 42, Jaguars 20
I'm actually going to be bold here and state that the Chiefs will win the AFC West. I actually don't know if that's a bold statement anymore.

Titans 37, Eagles 19
Sure, there are more embarrassing things than allowing Kerry Collins to lead a 27 point 4th quarter comeback. Damned if I can think of them off the top of my head, though.

Ravens 37, Bills 34
God Dammit. Of course the Bills are approaching not-entirely-incompetent status just as they become the Bears next opponents. It's sad that I can't even count a win over Buffalo as a sure thing.

Browns 30, Saints 17
This score says everything you need to know about the NFC, actually.

Falcons 39, Bengals 32
Every time I give up on Carson Palmer, he has a great game. And yet every time he has a great game, the Bengals lose. You anger me, unknowable Gods of football.

Steelers 23, Dolphins 22
I don't believe there's a giant NFL conspiracy to aid the Steelers. That doesn't mean it doesn't boil my blood whenever they win with the help of iffy officiating. Or without it.

Panthers 23, 49ers 20
Again, I'm still grateful, now that the Fire Lovie hubbub has returned in earnest (and yes, I'll probably hop on board again if this thing's still going south in a few weeks), that no one will be lobbying for Mike f*&king Singletary and his pants-dropping, meathead-pandering methods of "coaching."

Buccaneers 18, Rams 17
Raheem Brock says the Bucs are the best team in the NFL. That's total bullshit, but Josh Freeman is going to be a star.

Seahawks 22, Cardinals 10
Well, at least I won't have to hear about how Max Hall "fumbles like a leader" this week, with him going 4-16 and being benched for the return of Derek Anderson, who did nothing to keep Cardinals fans from pining even for the second coming of a young Jake Plummer.

Patriots 23, Chargers 20
San Diego is not very good.

Raiders 59, Broncos 14
Hahahahaha. Oh God. Hahahahaha. This can't get any less funny. Nothing like a FORTY-FIVE POINT beatdown at home at the hands of your most-bitter rivals (who, mind you, have been the NFL's 2nd worst franchise since 2003) to turn an entire fanbase against you, Josh. I also enjoyed Mark Kiszla, Denver's answer to Rick Morrissey, blaming this loss somehow on Kyle Orton and calling for the inevitable failure of Tim Tebow's career to begin sooner rather than later. Comedy gold, folks, all of it.

Packers 28, Vikings 24
Logic should have dictated that I root for the Vikings in this game, ensuring the Bears sole possession of first place for yet another week, but fuck that. God I enjoy watching Brett Favre fail miserably. It's so fucking delicious. If I could somehow turn the feeling I get watching Brett Favre fail into a liquid that I could distill, then age in a nice oak barrel, then bottle and sell a few years down the road it would become the world's most popular spirit. Also, as much as I think Brad Childress is a pathetic excuse for a man and that he totally deserves this for selling out his soul to get Favre, it was awesome to see him nail Favre in the post-game presser.

Giants 41, Cowboys 35
Wow, the Cowboys are royally, royally boned. It should be fun to watch Jon Kitna lead them to 3-13 in a year where they expected to play for the Superbowl in their own stadium. Oh, and the Giants are really good at murdering quarterbacks. I admire that.

College Football Roundup, Week 8

Oregon 60, UCLA 13
My God, what would happen if Oregon played Texas? Also, as much as my hatred of the BCS would seem to require me to root for Boise State in the title game, just to bring wrath upon the system, I can't say there's a game that would be more entertaining than Oregon-Auburn.

Navy 35, Notre Dame 17
This is just your weekly reminder that Notre Dame blows just as much as it has, regardless of head coach, since the early 90s. When you've won as many bowl games in the last 15 years as Illinois, you, sir, are not a great football program, no matter what you tell yourself and your fanbase.

Virginia Tech 44, Duke 7
Virginia Tech has, as usual, wormed its way back into the rankings after two brutal losses to start the season, and will now undoubtedly go on to win the ACC, just because it's fitting that that conference's champion will have been beaten by James Madison.

Michigan State 35, Northwestern 27
Oh, Northwestern. Every time I think you aren't Northwestern, it turns out that you, in fact, still Northwestern. Funny how that works.

Illinois 43, Indiana 13
The scary thing about this Illinois team is that they've won all of the games I expected them to win and have lost all of the games I expected them to lose. In a year where number one continues to fall and chaos reigns supreme, it should be the scariest sign of the apocalypse that a Ron Zook team is playing consistent and fundamentally sound football.

Iowa State 28, Texas 21
Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Wisconsin 31, Iowa 30
Another disturbing (and yet oh so funny) sign of the College Football Apocalypse: a Kirk Ferentz team has now lost two games thanks to poor offensive line play, shoddy defense, terrible special teams, and appalling clock management.

Nebraska 51, Oklahoma State 41
I just don't f*&king get you, Nebraska.

Auburn 24, LSU 17
Mercifully, LSU's inexplicable winning streak ends. Not with a bang, but with the giant bulk of a Cameron Newton Death Train pummeling them into the ground for 217 yards rushing. Now that Denard Robinson has come back to earth, I'd have to make Newton my Heisman favorite.

Missouri 36, Oklahoma 27
Well, that was somewhat surprising, but not really? The Big 12 blows. Your updated conference ratings:

Obligatory but still probably true: SEC
Surprisingly Revived: Big Ten
Good at Face Value, but Not Fond of Defense: Pac 10
Total Fucking Wastelands: Big 12, Big East, ACC

Baylor 47, Kansas State 42
I'm just putting this here to congratulate Baylor on ensuring their first bowl bid since 1994. Robert Griffin is awesome. If they beat Texas this weekend I will laugh heartily and place the Bears in the slot of Favorite Big 12 Team that Texas Tech vacated by unjustly firing Mike Leach. Fuck you, Texas Tech.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke will be back this week and should be up tomorrow.

Weary

I'm going to begin this screed by stating that Seattle is just as gray and cold as every hack comedian ever joked about it being. I spent five days freezing my ass off and my reward, while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight home, was to watch 3 quarters of that disaster yesterday. By the time I got to my connecting flight in Minneapolis a migraine had begun. I fully intended to do this recap last night, but my first move after getting out of the car was to vomit, swallow some ibuprofen, and slide into bed just after watching Al Michael's prematurely splooge over another AMAZIN FAVRE KUMBACK (ignoring of course his 3 interceptions, which, despite Jay's bad game, I'm still allowed to laugh at because Lord Favreicus now has 14 turnovers and a 68.0 rating, well below the 84.7 Jay's sporting even after yesterday's debacle) before the TD was overruled.

When I woke up this morning I hoped I'd feel better. Physically, I do, since I no longer want to drill a spike into my skull in order to let the pain demons out, but I still have no answers regarding yesterday's game.

Everything I said last week still applies. The Bears still stand in first place. Their two biggest rivals in the division are still sporting as many holes as they are. Aaron Rodgers actually has more interceptions than Jay this year. The Vikings suck. The NFC as a whole is still a fetid lagoon of shit, driven home by the fact that New Orleans can, over the course of three weeks, lose to the Cardinals and Browns thanks to 7 Drew Brees interceptions while pounding the Bucs (who are tied for the NFC South lead in the loss column) by 25 points. The Bears are still, as bad as this game feels, well within the playoff hunt.

Buuuut...Jesus Christ that hurt. Yesterday was the first time since he arrived that I truly felt that Jay Cutler was a liability at quarterback for the Chicago Bears. Now, unlike every mouth-breathing hilljack that likes to view Jay as the cause of all ills in Bears land, I don't think his first multi-interception game since last November really disqualifies him as a legitimate NFL quarterback. But you'd have to be an even more pathetic Jay Cutler apologist than I (and no such beast exists) to lay the blame for yesterday's loss on anyone but #6's shoulders. The Bears defense was not going to allow any points in that second half. It wasn't going to happen. Cutler could have taken a knee on every drive in the second half and won that game. When you lose a game like that, it fucking hurts and those ARE the kinds of games where you have to turn to the quarterback first when assessing the damage. Sorry, Jay. Don't let it happen again. There's more than enough time to dig yourself and your team out of this hole.

As for the rest of the team? Hester and Knox gave me some rather terrifying flashbacks to last year's rookie-like experience for both of them. Troy Aikman wanted to give them the blame for two of those four picks, and while I'd normally jump on the chance to exonerate Jay, it wasn't their fault that Jay threw it to DeAngelo Hall. Both were poor decisions, but they wouldn't have hurt as badly if Hester and Knox had come back and helped Jay out. He didn't give them the greatest chance, but they should have done more.

Matt Forte and Chester Taylor actually ran the ball well once Martz figured out how to move the ball in the short-passing game. I hope this plan of attack carries over. The quick hits killed the pass rush, opened holes for the running game and eventually opened things up for Mike's beloved deep ball. Martz actually called a pretty good game after the first quarter. Jay just can't do what he did. Forte's fumble was inexcusable, however, and I wish I knew why his hands have turned to stone after he was excellent protecting the ball his rookie year.

As for the defense? They're the only reason I'm still somewhat on the positive side of the ledger when assessing this team's playoff chances. They aren't a mirage. Troy Aikman made me LOL yesterday while saying that the Redskins defense wasn't as bad as their numbers because they've played quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo, then he stated that the Bears' defensive numbers were a mirage because everyone but the Lions and the Panthers have "moved the ball well" against them. Could that be because they played quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo, Troy? Also, holding the Lions to 168 yards of total offense is no laughable feat anymore. In their other 5 games against opponents who aren't the Bears the Lions have averaged 26.4 PPG and 371 yards of total offense. They're actually really good on that side of the ball, surprising as that may be. This defense absolutely dominated the Redskins yesterday, and it's tragic that their efforts were rewarded in such a way. If the Bears defense continues to allow just 14 PPG (which is what their opponents have scored if you take away the Dez Bryant punt return TD in Dallas and the Hall pick-six yesterday), they're going to be in every game the rest of the way. This offense is capable of moving the ball like they did in the 2nd and 3rd quarter with consistency. If they can find away not to fuck away every god damn opportunity in the red zone they can probably scrape out the 20 or 21 PPG they'll need to make the playoffs in this wasteland of a conference. That's still a big fucking if.